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How to Win a Loser

Nicole Parker
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Nicole Parker

Wife, mother, and Biblical counselor

Recorded

  • December 13, 2014
    10:30 AM
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We're talking about how to win a loser. Which is of course what none of us want to do. But anyway. Let's pray together. Father in heaven. Thank you so much for your love for us. We pray that you will guide us now as we're understanding more of the principles from your word. Open our minds with your Holy Spirit. All right thank you so much in OK. How to Win a loser. This is how to attract all the wrong people. Or if you wish. How to Avoid Them. So first. First thing to do. If you want to win a loser. Number one. Fantasize. I cannot tell you how many people I meet and this is seems to be a problem for women in many ways because they love novels have you noticed this. You go to the store and they're all these big fat paperback novels. With women in passionate positions with their men holding of them and you know their long locks flowing. There's nothing there's nothing like fantasy. To kill the joy of reality. Many people just have this picture of the knight in shining armor that destroys. Every real life person that they meet. I know a woman who was so obsessed with her ex fiance who had broken up with her. That everything her husband did was always wrong because it could never be as good as her ex fiance and. You know what man in the world can compete with an ex lover who abandoned her at the height of love and now. You know who else can come along who could ever measure up to the fantasy person. And this is not just a woman problem. I knew a man also his girlfriend had broken up with him. And from then on. No other woman would satisfy it because well he was actually dating her he was depressed and having all kinds of problems and she wasn't at all satisfy him but once she had left him. She became a goddess. And all the other women were measured next to her cooking and her beauty and her everything. And it wouldn't have been as bad. Except that the ex-girlfriend. Stayed in touch with him even though she'd moved on and married. They were still best friends. And you know. No one else could ever measure up to such an incredible woman. Because no one ever can. If you have a fantasy person in your mind. No one alive. Will. Ever be able to measure up to that person who understands you perfectly. Who always loves you who's always sensitive who always makes the perfect. Favorite foods and always gives you everything you need. Who can measure up to something like that. Now I don't mean that you shouldn't have ideals. It's wonderful to have ideals. Never settle for somebody just going well it doesn't matter I know she's not really a spiritual as I'd like but you know. Or well I know he can't seem to hold a job down but you're never going to find anybody perfect right. Now you're not you're never going to find anybody perfect. But don't negotiate on the things that are important. What I'm talking about though is a fantasy person who know him and being alive. Can measure up to this is a problem with long distance relationships honestly and here I say this is a person who married my husband. Having only spent. Maybe six weeks actually together. Before we were married. But it's been wonderful. It's you know marriage has just been a taste of heaven we kept telling each other you know it's going to be really hard the first year. We don't really know each other we haven't been on the same continent. But it wasn't it was great. We loved being together we were just so happy we were finally on the same continent it didn't matter right. We love it but we also had really got to know each other on the things that mattered. We didn't know. Some of the things that people generally know when they're dating you know we didn't know each other's favorite restaurants of course we were too poor to go to restaurants anyway. We didn't we didn't know a lot of those things that other people know. But we knew the things that mattered. So make sure you know the things that matter to you. And then don't negotiate on those things but when you have a fantasy lover. This is the problem with watching television movies. Reading novels and long distance relationships where it's so easy to make this person into everything you dreamed of oh he's just what I wanted. And this is a dangerous thing also with abusive people. They know how to manipulate to make you think they are. Whatever you want them to be. So. Fantasy is the first way to make sure that you're going to have a terrible disappointment in marriage. No man alive can live up to being a fantasy man no woman alive. Is going to be like the porn stars on television. Because you know what. When you can type in everything that you exactly want. And then up pops a woman who's just what you ordered and you don't have to do any hard work in building a relationship. Don't think that's not going to affect the way that you react to your spouse when she does make you feel good. No human being will ever make you perfectly happy. And the more of a fantasy life you live in the more miserable. Real life is going to be. If you ever noticed that. I remember when I would watch a movie. And I just thought Oh and joy myself so much I love romantic movies. But then when I watch the romantic movie. Then when the credits roll at the end it's like. And I'm stuck here. With nobody. Right. You know how does when you. You listen to the love songs. I do you're just sitting there listening to the love song and feeling such love for nobody. Just because it would be so nice to have someone that made me feel this way. But I get think of anyone. And then you sort of pick someone that you know and well you know just imagine it was him or her. This is this is bad practice all the way around don't do it the more fantasy life you live in the less reality will make you happy the more dissatisfied you will be. So if you want to win a loser. Number one thing to do is fantasize. Live your life. In a fantasy world you know what's interesting about fantasy people. They all have one thing in common they all make me happy. When you can create a fantasy person. This person. Somehow always knows exactly what I want. Isn't that amazing. A fantasy life is always fun to me. Italy self-centered and that's why it's a bad idea from day one. Number two how do you win a loser. Flirt. Now I know this is a bad one and a confusing when people are like What do you mean flirt. You mean I can't ever flirt with someone I do not mean that you have to live your life. Somber and never smiling at anyone. Here's what I'm talking about when I say if you want to win a loser. Be flirtatious. Imagine OK. Random in secure guy walks into a party. And there are fifty women there. What is random in secure guy going to do number one if he's looking for a girl. What's he going to evaluate looks. How pretty they are come on be honest. First thing he's going to evaluate is how attractive are these women. So you know within the first twenty minutes say. He's evaluated he's going around the room he's done the butterfly thing and you know he's evaluated these ten of the prettiest. Maybe even these five. So he's picked the ones that he thinks of the hottest Now what's he going to do. He's going to start flirting with them. He's going to start going. What brought you here. Right in the music's playing and now remember this is random in secure guy. Because secure guy is going to walk in there securing Christ. Loving the Lord. Trying to be a blessing. Tuning into other people how are you doing how was your day. But in secure guy he's going in there it's all about him. Right. So he's going in there he finds who she pleases me well. The same son approach to finding a wife which is always a bad thing right. She pleases me well. He starts spending time with five girls say that he's narrowed it down to these are the five most attractive girls to me. Now maybe another six the girl comes along and she's she's taller able but she's very flirtatious he may add her to the list right now he's got six to choose from but when he's flirting with those girls. Who's it going to pick out of those girls most likely whoever flirts back. That's right the flirtatious one is the one that gets the attention. And then he may spend the rest of the evening with her. And this is how relationship often starts right. However. Now. Now we say random. In secure woman walks into the room with fifty men. How is she going to pick out who she's interested in. The first one who's going to show her attention because she's walking and they're going I don't know why I came here no one's going to be interested in me anyway. I'm so ugly. Oh I wish I hadn't come I just came because my friend invited me what am I doing here I'm leaving in ten minutes unless somebody shows me attention. And then random flirtatious and secure guy comes along. And he starts spending time with her. What's she going to do is she going to just know this is her one shot of having a good evening right. She's going to flirt back with him what if we just created here in this scenario. You've taken the two least secure people in the room and match them up. This is a recipe for disaster. To people who are the least likely to actually center their lives on God and the most likely to get into an idolatrous relationship of now just found each other like magnets in the crowd. When you flirt. And I don't mean to say you know you must never pay attention to anyone pretend like you have no feelings and put on blinders. This is not my point. My point is when you're choosing somebody to spend time with based on flirtation. You're basically using a process that eliminates the secure sensible people and makes the ones rise to the top who are the most obsessed with how they look. What other people think of them. And how the other person is going to make them feel when you choose who you want to spend time with based on flirtation. You found a person who is likely to be insecure. Now. Flirtation tends to be a very broad term. In our culture nowadays and sometimes I think that's. It's too broad. You can even just walk up to somebody and say Hi how are you doing without people going to flirt. I don't mean that you should rule a person out of they smile at you make eye contact and ask for your name. This is not what I'm talking about a flirtation. You know what I mean the difference right. When a person is trying to get attention. Giggling and blushing and. And being coy and. You know what I'm talking about this sort of flirtation. What happens is. And particularly I find I have a real a real personal beef with the idea that women can just go after a man herself you know if she just goes after the guy. Then it's fine it's fair game right we live in a world of equals the woman can chase the man down so if the guy asks her out great if he doesn't feel like asking her out she can just ask him out. I personally don't think that's a good idea because you know what happens. What sort of guys are fine with the girl asking them out. Again it's the in secure guys. It's the in secure guys who are who are happy that she save them the trouble of putting themselves out there. You see. Amana secure in Christ he walks into that room with the fifty women. And he thinks it through. I'm not about to go after the girl that's pretty asst. I'm going to think things through and a see what girl is actually a quality girl. So he doesn't just leap for the first girl who pays attention to him. He gets to know girls he's not going to choose. That evening out of the fifty women there who are there whoever appeals to most the seating. He's going to be spending time with other people he's going to be going to prayer meetings. He's going to be going out on outreach. He's going to be doing things and seeing what other women are showing up at these things that he's going to be finding out as he spends time with her and other friends he's going to be finding out. I like the way that she related to that conflict she was so humble. I like how she related in that situation she said let's pray. She didn't just jump in there. She didn't argue she just listened to the spirit. Whatever it is quality guys are going to be carefully evaluating women. But what happens when the quality guy has a girl come up to him. At that party remember the fifty women. What does that quality guy think when the girl comes up to him and start flirting with him in his mind. He mentally crosses her off the list. Or at least makes a big question mark after her because she seems to be someone who's insecure what if she's coming up to him and saying you know. Hey what are you doing next Saturday night I'd really like to get together. What she's just said is. I am a woman who isn't secure in Christ. I'm not going to just go home and pray and say Lord I found that men interesting. If you want to do something then do something. She's not saying Lord I'm laying my heart before you. You know. Imagine. Here's here's a scenario for you to imagine this couple who has been dating together for a while they they go on this hike up the mountainside. And just as the sun is setting they reach this beautiful overlook. And suddenly. One of them reaches behind a rock and pulls out a book a of roses. Gets down on one knee and says. I want to spend my life with you. Will you marry me. And the man burst into tears and flings his arms around her and says Yes yes I will. Wasn't that what you imagined. That wasn't what you imagined was it. No women if you did not want to set yourself up for a situation where you have to ask the men to marry you. Then don't start down that road. Don't start down that road. Make him be the man who pursues you. When men want to be pursued. True women want to be pursued true men want to pursue. They don't want you to fling yourself in his arms. They want you to be a woman who has respect for herself. Who's willing to go home and pray. And wait. Instead of charging in their global God's not doing anything and he's not doing anything. I guess I'd better take it in my. You know in my own hands. What happens when you have that situation here's what happens when a man knows that the woman came after him. She you know may. He likes it in a moment in that party with the fifty women who he didn't have to put himself out there he didn't have to risk rejection Diddy. For an insecure guy that's wonderful for you. You just gave him a bag of candy. He's so happy. He wants to be with this woman she saved him the risk. But what happens later on in the relationship. He every time there's a problem he's going. What I have chosen her over all the rest. If she hadn't just thrown herself at me. And what about the woman. The same time. She is every time there's a struggle she's going. Would have chosen me over all the rest. If I hadn't thrown myself at him. Doesn't mean that that's a conscious process. Process for either of them. But it's a reality. It's a reality because God has created. Meant to be the hunters men to want to win a woman's heart and. He's created women to want to be one to want to be treasured to want to be nourished. A man feels respected. When he knows he had to throw himself out there. He had to take a risk. And the only men who can really take that risk. Are those who are secure enough in Christ. That they can put themselves out there and risk being rejected. It's a growing experience it's tough stuff. You want to know that your man is going to be able to go through that. So don't throw yourself at a guy. Women. This flirtation problem. Is such a huge issue in our culture and it's not just our fault. You know. It's in television it's everything saturated with the idea that women really confident women will put themselves out there with their clothing. With their their attitudes with their smiles you know why is it that people take all these selfies I have a personal really irritating. Feeling when I see these selfies where people are posting themselves with this. You know what I'm talking about the lips are open and whether the chest is bared or not the woman's bearing herself and going please take me. Really really. I'm sorry. This is the sorts of things that just don't appeal to secure a man. That's what we're going to get to In Session number five. I'm but an excellent question. Yes. But it must be a process. That's what you can know for now. Don't make it just an event who she likes me I like her. Let's like ourselves off the cliff this is wonderful. Needs to be a prayerful deliberate process where you add but it's some point you have to take the risk. You know. Love is risky. God took the risk in loving us. And when we follow in the footsteps of God We're not it. Afraid to take risks. But not foolish risks where we risk losing our lives. For something petty and emotional. It's when we want to get together with someone who will help us to grow closer to the kingdom. Marriage is about becoming more like Jesus. Most people to get married because they think they'll be happier. God doesn't want you to get married because you think you'll be happier if you want to get married because you think you'll become holy or you'll become more like Christ. And if two people are trying to become more and more like Christ all the time in their marriage that's the happiest marriage in the world. But if your goal is happiness that's a fundamentally selfish goal. And that's the goal of people who are trying to flirt with one another and create a happily ever after for themselves. They're looking for somebody who makes them feel good at that time. Instead of looking for someone intentionally who will help them to grow closer to the kingdom and become more effective in God's service. So if you want to attract a loser. The way to win a loser is to be flirtatious. The decent guys. You know here's here's another one of the things I remember my husband told me about one time when he was a chaplain. He had this girl come to him. And just complaining she said I just I'm so sick. It. No matter how nice a guy seems to be once he asked me out we go out on a date they're all after the same thing. It's just disgusting I can't stand it. All guys are jerks she's telling this to a guy. Because you know he's the chaplain and somehow. She had the idea that postures are not really guys. I don't know. But my husband said In the meantime as he's talking with her. He's having to. You know keep looking up. Out the window or something because of the way she's dressed her clothing was so revealing that of course. She was attracting the wrong kind of guys. All guys were jerks because good guys them self respecting guys didn't want to spend time with her they're trying to avert their eyes they don't want to look at that they're saving their eyes for their spouses you know in the mean time. When when you wear clothing that's revealing the tight stuff the low cut the high cut the you know what I'm talking about. When you wear those clothes. All guys suddenly become jerks. What do you know it's magic. Because the good guys will stay away from you they're voting their eyes. They're crossing you off their lists. And the bad guys will be like cockroaches out of the closets. Then they come this is exactly what they wanted to dress as though you respect yourself and you'll find it's amazing. I had a little picture to show you the says Dear girls dressing immodestly is like rolling around in manure. Yes you'll get attention but mostly from pigs. Sincerely real men. This is the reality. Dress the way you want to be seen by your spouse dressed the way that your husband would want you to dress or. And other men. Not around him. You can dress that way that's. That's a marvelous way to dress. When you're at home with your husband. Please enjoy it. But at home with your husband. Not with everyone else there certainly are women who have taken initiative and it's turned out well. But in general when you're looking for the ideal. I find it's insecurity that motivates a woman to go after the man. Can God take a relationship that's put together in all the wrong ways. Absolutely. When two people whether they're married for all the wrong reasons or whatever. They've come together and they said Lord we're giving you our relationship he can do something wonderful. I remember one of my friends telling her testimony how she and her husband they got together for all the wrong reasons. Pure lust they were in a motorcycle gang together they. Every reason that was wrong was what drug. Drew them to one another then they got married they were absolutely miserable together. And she said finally. They sat down to figure out the. The terms for their divorce. And she said All right so you'll get the how to get the car will divide up things this way and then they came to their two daughters. And she said Of course I'll take the girls and he said you know. Of course all take the girls. And she said no I'm the mother. Of course I'll take the girls and he said no I'm the father of course I'll take the girls. They knew they couldn't just divide up their children and or have them. Going back and forth. And so literally they decided to stay together. Because of their children. And she said. They knelt down and they prayed. And they said lord. We realize we got together for all the wrong reasons. But now we want you to marry us properly and give us what you want us to have in our relationship. And at that moment she said she felt not a particle of attraction to this man that she was married to she couldn't stand him she could barely stand even look at him. But she chose to believe that God could take their relationship and make something. And she said truly years later. Now she was the happiest person she could be and she knew this is the best man in the world for her to marry. Because he had given his life to the Lord she had given her life to the Lord they had given their relationship to the Lord. He had turned things around and built them. A beautiful marriage. Despite everything. God can do that. So people can make all kinds of mistakes they can disobey. All the principles I'm sharing with you and come to Christ with their marriages and he's going to say all right. Now let's work with what we have. But it's so much better. If you don't end up with a situation like that so many people I know they've eventually given their lives to the Lord and God has made something beautiful in their relationship but their children. Pay the price or their ministries. Pay the price. It's not worth it. Let God lead you from the beginning. And you'll be so much happier. So how do when a loser number one. Fantasize number two flirt. Number three ignore building quality friendships with those who don't have potential. Do you know what I mean by that there are many people who once they're of dating age. It's mating age. They're off trying to find somebody and they don't bother with spending time with their roommate. They don't bother spending time with their brother their sister or their mother their father their grandparents or anybody who doesn't have potential. Any any time that they have you all their friends their people that they love to spend time with. But only if they have time to fit in between their dating life. Finding the one. And then when they find a person. They're completely absorbed with this person and their relationship there just be saw that they can't think about all the other relationships you know what happens when you can neglect all the other relationships in your life. They shrivel. It's pretty simple isn't it. Relationships are built on communication and quality time. You need those. Not just with this person. But you need those with all your other friendship. Network with your family. These relationships are important. You know yes. Choosing who you marry is very important and yes you need to spend a lot of time together and considering things. But spend time together with some of your friends because your friends may be able to see things that you can't see your family who knows you better than your family. You need to have your family involved wherever possible. And being able to help you decide things. And later on in life you're going to be so glad that you. Preserved your friendships and I've seen so many people but once they start dating somebody everything else falls by the wayside and then two years down the road when the relationship falls apart. They don't know where to turn. Because they turn their backs on all of their friends. That's not the way you want to do it. Even in the best of circumstances you know with my husband the Lord let us together it's been a wonderful thirteen and a half years I'm so glad I married him. But when we had a health crisis. And he was diagnosed with hepatitis C. we didn't know if he was going to live the doctor said that he might just have two to five years left to live there was a twenty percent chance he would die that year. I needed my friends. I was very grateful at that point that I had kept a strong friendship network with a few people over ten twenty years time. People that I could lean on people that I could pray with people who I could trust would be there for me and not everyone was there for me and not everyone understood. But I had a few friends who did. And that made all the difference for me having your family there to support to having people. Building building relationships with those who don't have potential will enrich you in so many ways you know I think a lot of the reason why my husband and I got along so well from the very beginning. Was because both of us had lived in community. We had a a rich friendship network we both had. Lived with roommates made had housemates all along the way. So we hadn't gotten into this narrow little I do things my way and that's the only way that they can be done. We were flexible. We understood how to work with a variety of personalities and situations who we could both roll with the punches. You know I moved from the states to Africa three days after we got married. And I didn't see any of my family or. Almost any of my friends. That entire time. Nine months that we lived in Africa before we went back to the States at all you need a friendship network. You'll need. Relationships with other people. People besides who you're going to marry. You never know what's going to happen. There can be divorce. There can be death. There can be crises of all kinds. And even more than that not just because of the crises in my life but because of the joy of having a rich community. Now some of my best friends from back in high school and college. Are my husband's best friends as well. We can spend time together and it just enrich is a so much. Don't neglect your other relationships. Because then what happens when you have this one relationship with this one person. And you don't have a network of people saying if you break up with him we're going to be here for you. What happens. You have to make this relationship work at all costs. Right because all your other relationships of shriveled. And you must have this person. You set yourself up for disaster. If you make one person the center of your life. Or even all the people that you can potentially marry. Become the center of your life it's not wise. Keep your friendship network with other people so if you want to win a loser. You fantasize you flirt. And you ignore building quality friendships with everyone else that you could build a relationship with. Number four. If you want to win lose or live shallow. With God. We already talked about this in the last seminar. So I'm not going to repeat everything but what happens when you do not have a deep living relationship with God. What is your sense of worth and love. Become fastened to this person we are relational beings. Right. Were created in the image of a relational God. Were created to live by a relational lot to love God and love others. If we don't make God the center of our lives. We will become obsessed with our relationships and then we'll get into the cycle of being torn apart. When things don't work out well. Right. Haven't you ever seen this happen. Certainly in your friends' lives if not in your own. A person gets together with this other person no life is so wonderful the grass is greener the birds sing more beautiful E.. Everything is wonderful. And then bam. They break up. And all of a sudden they're just devastated. I'll never fall in love again right. All guys are jerks all girls are jerks whatever it is that they say it's this commitment to self protection. Because we put ourselves out there needing relationship and God has created us to long for a relationship. It's healthy. If you just love the Lord with all your heart soul mind and strength. But you don't love your neighbor as yourself are you keeping the Law of God. No Was Adam happy and fulfilled in the Garden of Eden with just a relationship with God. Not even in a perfect world. God said it's not good. You need relationship with other people however that doesn't mean that every single person's life is not good in the eyes of God. Adam didn't have anyone. Right. He didn't have any human beings to relate to. We do have human beings you don't have to be married to have a rich and fulfilling social life. But we do need community so it's good that we have relationships with others but if we live shallow with God. Our relationships with others will become my doll interests. Then will swing between the two extremes. Will Live idolatrous Lee obsessing over these people. And then when the people hurt us to misunderstand us as always happens when you're obsessed and and I dollar Tristen relationships will swing to the opposite side of self-protection. I did two seminars on on these two extremes and how they work one called when people are big in God a small On the other one from self protection to soul connection. If you can listen to those on audio verse and get more perspective on this. But the key is if we live deep with God. We poor everything out to him. Our relationships will even out and we won't swing back and forth between these two idolatrous extremes where my identity is built on what people think of me. And now I'm never going to let anybody close to me again because people just hurt me. Right. You don't have to live that way Jesus was hurt all the time by people. And yet he never chose to live self protectively. And he doesn't want us to either. God wants to satisfy us with the banquet. Of His Spirit. His love. What happens when we don't build a deep relationship with God as we become hungry. You know if you hadn't eaten all day long and then we invited you into the banquet hall over here and there was a whole spread of all your favorite foods. And somebody handed you a plate. Said go for it. Have as much as you'd like. Don't worry about it. Wouldn't you be inclined to just say. Let's worry about how much this costs later. Right. That's the way many people go into relationships they're so starved for community for a relationship. That doesn't matter the cost. I'm going to do this but what happens instead when you've already been eating regularly good nourishing meals when you're already stuff to the brim. And then you go over there and somebody hands you a plate says you want to eat. Say what is it. How much does it cost. We can think better of one word well nourished right. God wants us to live in a nourishing relationship with him. That way when we are. When we are offered the opportunity have a relationship with others we can think well. We can think clearly about what's the cost. What's the opportunity how can I grow into the image of Christ in these relationships. Now we've talked about how to win a loser you want to know how to win a winner. I'll give you four principles for that too just in case you might want to decide you want to give up on all those losers and find a winner instead. How do when a winner number one a void. Reading watching or listening to things that encourage self centered definitions of love and romance. Self-centered definitions by that I mean. Novels. I mean. Music. I mean. Movies I mean television I mean whatever it is that tells you love is all about how it makes me feel. These things are poisonous to the mind. They destroy your power to have a deep relationship with healthy people. I've been a stone page fifty says well pure love will take God into all its plans and will be in perfect harmony with the Spirit of God. Passion will be headstrong Have you ever seen people who are headstrong in their relationships you're like you know you really shouldn't be. I'm going to do this. Headstrong rash. Tell me you don't have a person in your mind already going I remember so and so. Headstrong rash and reasonable. Defiant of all restraint. And will make the object of its choice. An idol. You've seen that. In other people's lives I'm sure. Hopefully you haven't experienced it yourself but if you have. You know very well how much it costs right. You don't want to live that way. Administration also says on page fifty one true love is not a strong. Fiery impetuous passion. On the contrary it is call me and deep in its nature. It looks beyond mere externals and is attracted by qualities alone. It is wise and discriminating. And its devotion is real and abiding see the contrast between those two. But what does the world tell you real love is what's what's the plot of a romantic movie. They're all the same Aren't day. They meet each other there's this passionate some kind of Tempest going on they may hate each other in fact that that's a really common theme right they despise each other they can tell from the beginning this would be a bad relationship. But then somewhere along the way circumstances fling them into one another's arms. And suddenly there's a passionate embrace and they're crazy about each other and then usually there's some other conflict right. What happens in real life relationships like this a bomb that's what happens. You know this is this is headed for disaster but what happens when a person's been feeding their minds continually on this stuff. This is what they look for in a relationship. When they finally find it doesn't matter that he's beating me up. I found the one who makes me feel like they feel in the movies. And people just sacrifice their lives on the altar of lust. Because they've wrongly defined love they think it's a strong fiery impetuous passion. And it's not. Love is the opposite. It's call. It's deep. It puts God's glory first. When Ellen White wrote about novel reading Have you ever read some of her counsels how many of you have read councils that Ellen White wrote about reading novels. I can summarize for you. The things that she says the reasons why we shouldn't be reading novels. Number one she says it encourages hasty superficial reading. Merely for the story. Now. When I think of that. You know. Nowadays we have things that Ellen White didn't have in her time right. We have movies. That would just a made. The hair fall out of people back then they would have been able to Madge and in fact it seems like because I don't see movies or television very often when I actually do it seems like they're always much worse than they were last time I saw them like they let people dressed like that in commercials. What's a room with these people. I can't believe they use language like that and something that a kid is likely to hear you know what I'm talking about things are so bad in ways that. We're just like a frog in the pot of water. Gradually getting warmer we don't even notice. But for for novels. If they encourage hasty superficial reading merely for the story how much more movies. Doing that. How much more television. You know soap operas and things like that they keep you. Involved in this mindless story. Right. You watch the soap opera you can watch it six months later the same thing's happening. Somebody is committing suicide and somebodies in the hospital in a coma. And somebody is having an affair with somebody right. It's always the same things. Emotional intense passionate meaningless worthless stuff that gets you wrapped up in the story. And they strategically do it think her a tasty superficial reading or listening or watching. Merely for the story. Ellen White also says that destroys the power of connected vigorous thought. Novel reading. Destroys your power of connected vigorous thought. What more does movies. Do or movie music or television. What do these things do to our power of connected vigorous thought were for that matter social media. Do we sometimes just get into scroll mode. You know just keep going to keep going. Something good something that I don't like that. You know that you know we just skip on. We don't think. Connected vigorous thought is. To Bible study. It's crucial to prayer. Why do we wonder that no one can have a see a decent prayer life. When no one can focus for more than thirty seconds on anything right. And novel reading finally it weans the mind from the love of Bible study and prayer. I remember times when I used to watch a lot of movies that I had you know since the credits roll the next morning I'm. I'm trying to have my devotional time but somehow. My mind is just turned to jelly. If you notice that you spend your time in entertainment and then try to come back and pull yourself together to study or to work or to be disciplined but it just falls apart. That's the sort of thing that happens when we allow our minds to be relaxed not to really focus on things. So if you want to win a winner. Avoid these things. Number two dress and behave as though you belong to someone already. I don't think I need to really elaborate on that. When you're secure in Christ it shows in the way that you behave. Shows in the way that you dress. And if you're finding yourself with the urge to dress and things that you know really aren't the best. Maybe it's time to prayerfully say Lord. What's going on in me and my longing for attention from others because I'm not getting security. Enough and you. My not finding my worth. In your eyes. Number three invest in quality relationships with family members and same sex friends. Build your relationship network with people who you know will enrich you. And do it strategically sometimes you'll know there are people who as much as you want to bless them. You know you need to get some space from them you know it's not healthy you're not helping them they're not helping you. Be courageous. Be wise invest in the right relationships the ones that grow you into the image of Christ. Number four. Make connection with God. Not a person. Your first priority. Live in daily consciousness of your worth in God's eyes and of his love for you. That's what happens when you're having a solid devotion. The life we're living deep with God. You'll find that the other things in your life the the things that you might find irresistible. Become. Just something that's going past you like that with that chocolate bar would taste nice but I'm not hungry. You find it easier to avert your eyes from things that you know you shouldn't be looking at when your heart is full of Christ. God wants us to find in him the satisfaction for everything. So how do you win a loser. Number one. Fantasize number to flirt. Number three. Ignore building quality relationships with those who don't have potential and number four lives shallow. With God On the other hand if you want to win a winner. A void reading watching or listening to things that encourage self centered definitions of love and marriage. Number two dress and behave as though you belong to someone already. Number three. Invest in quality relationships with family members and same sex friends. Number four make connection with God. Not a person your first priority. Live in daily consciousness of your worth. In God's eyes and of his love for you. God wants us to find our security and him. You know there was a guy I dated before my husband who became an idol to me. Even though we were only together for a few months. He became the person that this the center of my life. I was so in love with him. Even though I knew intellectually. He wasn't spiritually all he needed to be. I knew that he was struggling with some addiction issues. I knew that our personalities clashed. Our goals in life weren't similar the sort of friends that we wanted to be with didn't match at all and just in every way. There were so many signs so many alarms. Showing this this guy is really not the best for you but because I had built my relationship with him so much as that the foundation of my life. I couldn't break away. Finally. He broke up with me. And I knew it was the right thing. I knew we needed to but I didn't have the power to continue with that I even told him Look please I'll compromise on some of my physical boundaries with you if only you'll stay with me I just beg because he was an idol to me. But when finally I broke away from his power I left the area I stopped having to be around him. Within the first two weeks after we broke up I got my stomach I couldn't eat I couldn't sleep I was crying all the time when I finally got away and got some space I became healthier again I built my relationship with God. And I found myself finally free of that terrible poisonous influence of idolatry. When my husband came along. I was much wiser. And I found in Jesus my best friend first and then when my husband came along I recognize Jesus in him. And it was beautiful. And I could see that God was leading us together. When I went down the aisle toward my husband. There was not the slightest doubt in my mind. This is the man. That is the best for me and all the world. I'm so grateful that God led me to gather with him. There wasn't any doubt on my wedding day there wasn't any oh no I should be doing this I hope this isn't a bad idea. That's what you want on your wedding day a day with no regrets. It was the most beautiful day of my life and I've never regretted that day until now. If you want to win a winner. Be a winner. And let Christ be the center of your life. That is the best thing that anyone can do. Let's power heads for prayer. Father in heaven. Thank you so much that you lead us in our lives that you have a plan that you've told us. You number the hairs on our heads. You mark are sitting down and are rising up. Nothing that in any way concerns our happiness is too small for you to notice. Lord I know that you have a plan for each one of our lives and I pray that you will help us to be surrendered to you sensitive to your Holy Spirit and completely. Live in worship of you. So that you can guidance and direct our paths. We can know that you are the key parts thanking this media was brought to you by audio first a website dedicated to spreading God's word through free. Sermon audio. And much more. If you would like to know more about it or you first or if you would like to listen to more servant leader Visit W W W. Audio verse or.

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