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Logo of GYC 2016: When All Has Been Heard

6. Advising Love Today: Trends and Practical Considerations (Q&A)

Sebastien Braxton Candis Braxton

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This session we will discover some modern trends in relationships due to changes in science, technology, and social media. We will also explore some practical considerations for the future. We will end with a 30- minute Q&A session.

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Recorded

  • December 31, 2016
    4:15 PM
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Copyright ©2016 Generation of Youth for Christ.

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This was presented at the G Y C twenty six conference call has been heard in Houston Texas other resources like online so today we're going to talk about some trends that are happening in relationships and world because of social media these different kinds of things. We'll talk a little bit about some questions that we're texted in so give priority to those who submitted them via the type forum that we put out earlier in the week after we address those then we'll open it up to the general audience and then we'll try to repeat the question for the recording. I don't know if they'll put the recording on line. But nevertheless we still want to try to answer as many questions as we can. So please try to keep them as brief as possible. And not as to you know to personal We have multiple follow up questions. So as I well you know I'm dating someone and you know. It's hard in my relationship with Jesus. OK break up with him but what if he is you know no follow up question but just try to be clear to the point so that we can address and try to answer as many questions as possible. Is that fair. Amen. All right well let's let's go out and pray. God. OK. Let's pray Father in heaven. We're so great. That we have the privilege to gather together again this Sabbath afternoon to reflect upon your word and specifically Gaunts thoughts about relationships we recognize that your word does not address every individual situation specifically. But you are provided principles that can help guide us in the ways of truth and of righteousness. So help us to honor you. In this particular area of our lives which is central to the law. Which is central to righteousness and central to a big part of the happiness that you contended for men so bless this Lord with wisdom. As we grapple with these things in Jesus name Amen. On one second. Mike it's. OK. All right so the first we want to talk about just some trends in practical considerations. I would just spend a few minutes on this one. You know we just wanted to highlight several different things that are happening because obviously social media has changed the game. Right. You know nowadays you know you there was a day you know my generation you know you had some friends from back in the day and when you got to college and you graduate you got a career like they couldn't find you. You know but now on Facebook some girl from back in the day when I was like sixteen friends a Sebastian are you looking good. You know how are things going on Facebook private message. And you know someone just starts liking all your photos all of the sudden you like me all this girl's been going deep in the archives. So social media has created a situation where I've counseled many young people who've gotten into very painful relationships situations because of social media some girl contacted him they got they started connecting next you know what escalated one thing to another a month later it all dissolves in pain and in sheen and a lot of embarrassment and brokenness. So we want to talk a little bit about that in terms of some of those trends you want to start with. OK Well one of the do. Things that we see with social media is the fact that we don't have to necessarily be direct with each other. There are different functions on different platforms that allow us to kind of. Hide behind in the shadows right. You could be really upset with someone and your status you're blasting them on Facebook with your status update at everyone else knows the troops and you don't know if they're reading it or not but you've put your feelings out there and I guess for you you feel fine but nothing has been resolved or addressed. So you know you can just put your feelings out there without without having some kind of accountability. You know we all know that you're talking about Bobby Bobby in the post. And then you point because conflict is one of those things that helps friendships grow many times we run away from it because we feel like you know it's going to break it down but if something's worth. Something is tested and that's what comfort usually does something it makes it better so learning how to engage with each other when we don't necessarily agree is something that is critical not just with us as friends but also when you become when you progress in that staircase that we were talking about this week. Knowing how to engage with each other the person that you have feelings for interesting is super critical especially to building a healthy relationship and another thing that you know. You know kind of look at in the trends with this is that when you put this in an advantage context right we have our own vernacular we have our own kind of language of how we're going to communicate and flirt with people and let them know we're interested. So we kind of come in and you know in the world people just come and let you know. Hey girl how you doing. I don't ask you you're OK You. No it's you know it's like that's how it was in the world. You had to be tough to approach a group. But nowadays you know you join the administration brothers are doing everything but approaching the group. You know it's just like coming in and it's like hey sister. You know how you doing Sister I can I pray with you this afternoon and it's like all these other girls. I'm passing the same Bible study they all went up on the pulpit at some Sabbath throughout the year but this girl goes up you want to give her a prayer you know let's ask God to bless your time on the as you do the scripture reading and then we want to text her and I don't know him and God bless you know it was a blessed service and then afterwards a potluck you know we'll make sure we take her playing to the trash. And all these different things and then girls in the coming to me and saying you know do you think that such and such is interested in me and you know she's over here guessing in going back and forth and and there's all this sort of awkwardness that has been instituted by the fact that we don't have this carved out path of look you've got a man or. Own your feelings own your interests. Let the girl know that you're interested at the same token we also have a lot of trends where women are adopting these kind of principles from feminism in the world where they decide I'm going to go like this brother know what. And I got guys coming to me scared because some girl just rolled up on him Saturday afternoon and she's like look I've been praying. And you know I'm feeling you know I'm looking for an Adam. And when I'm around you. I feel like. And in that particular moment. Right. Again she's violating this thing that's going to institute her insecurity in that relationship and so these kind of trends you know cannons and I've seen where you have on one and people are are leveraging social media like she was saying. Cannot manage conflict properly which is one of the best skills you can have to go into a relationship and so social media can just blast you in move on and my friend Sharon blows up to some great big drama. I mean that's a sign of we are still in high school right. But as I used to often tell people you know I'm not one to play games. And when I used to approach young women that I was interested in I would let them know this is not going to be I take your number and I'll try to call you when you pretend like you're in the shower and play hard to get you going take my number as well. Where adults. Like of you interested you interested. You know and at the same token we we want women to also recognize that don't let a guy violate your boundaries. Right. Without any sort of commitment or understanding of where this relationship is going. So you've got people text and late calling in because it's social media it's OK. No it's not. And this is the other element of social media you know on this particular point. Is that we have something in communication it's called asynchronous communication that means we're not talking in real time. I can post something and you can see it later. Right. And so what happens is I post a snap chat or a tweet tweet or something on Facebook you don't have to be on at that time when he opens his phone at midnight. Looks at the message but now he feels like he's got a response or not he sent you a message at twelve thirty in the morning and then you look at your phone because your phone just went off. Now you know what he said in we may not be communicating at the same time but here we are late at night and less and when you when it's late at night. You're not thinking clearly. You know I'm telling the truth. So August. You know it's not enough for her just to snap back she's got make sure here is a certain win get the lip gloss out and make sure the angles right with the law. So that you have got to Nancy. Praise God. These are the trends and you gotta be aware of what exactly is going on and the number one way to protect yourself from a lot of these trends is Candace and I brought up earlier in the seminars. You've got to be honest with yourself and honest with people. The earlier you're honest with the other person. The faster you will find out whether this is something God can bless or not. But you waste time and you get bonded to that person. Now you emotionally attached. And then you realize this is not the person. That's what causes the pain of Partick. That's what makes breakup so difficult. That's what not allows us that when we go our separate ways. We can't be friends because we don't got so deeply emotionally and sometimes physically. Somebody better Saemon just because we admin is don't mean people in sleeping around. We go there. And in this sense we go all this deep and then on some we realize like oh man this guy's a jerk or this girl you know she can't cook clean do anything she does want to be taking care of the guys like man I'm trying to do this. Too late. You don't kick that with a girl for eighteen months. Talking to each other. Graduations Thanksgiving. You know actually uncle's funeral. All this kind of stuff and then come out of that isn't working out. Sorry. I'm going to move on and then you want to us all awkward and Sabbath school and church and friends get divided and people are picking sides and it just keeps snowballing all because we were not honest and open from the beginning. And social media can sometimes help us to mask that and not manage it properly. One of the other things you know that's trending in social media. We can actually look that this week. Is especially on snap chat because you have a lot more teenagers on snap chat where people find these little cold ways of sharing what their relationship statuses. Right. So just recently on Christmas. Right. You had this whole thing people are snapping and they put little fruit symbols. On their snaps and a lemon you know I'm trying to be saying go but blueberries meant I was single and available. Oh yeah and then people found out what was going on so they make changes to animal. Panda you were single right because nobody wants to date a panda that got figured out so they they switched it over to cat can be here. Kat bar and this is it's complicated. Right. Twix man. I'm open. And this is what these are the trends of people are finding ways to do what they would have done personally in a room or on a phone through social media to let brothers know and so now you've got people on Twitter and on social media saying look I can you please start with the fruit shops and and the snaps about animals I don't want to know your relationship status that your own business. But there's these trends now where people are leveraging ways to try to let people know they're available. Without waiting on God and trying to use social media and other human forms to engineer a relationship. And I think that also speaks to the sharing of information and sometimes like he was saying you know there was something that he hasn't been in touch with for a very long time and I'm sure we each have people that we have not been in touch with but we just spruce our Facebook and we feel like we got caught up. We know exactly what's going on. And we feel like you know the next time we see them we may comment on a I just heard that you know such and such happened. And they're like Why did I tell you. No but it was on Facebook and so this this whole. The availability of information and how much information we are putting out there. Allows us or makes the students though we know something about this person when in actuality it's taking away the element letting them share it with us and. I guess natural development of the relationship. Zacky so yet and that you know something else you know Candy says. Candice is a very she's a very professional social media user. So she teaches me about a lot of these different things. I'm a little bit of a love hate relationship when it comes to social media but one of the things about image management. You know people think you saw somebody on Facebook because we all do it you cycling through such a such as a friend of a friend and catch them picture and she up there her profile picture is bikini on the beach and the brothers like oh who's this. What our mutual friends be like oh me. And Jane our mutual friends were her OK when you start clicking on a profile and then we start going to the photos first thing people do in my telling the truth. So I could do the photos. What else is on here and actually you know this is all the peeling towards the eye the capacity for men to fantasize and for women to star castle building and castle building is the idea of building up all of this idea about us in this in some relationship or he would be a good father and all these different things like hold on hold on hold on. You just start looking at pictures on Facebook. How did you get from he said hello and added me on Facebook to hey you know I think he'd be a good father don't translate. So for a lot of a lot of what we're seeing in this image management. Social media is all about managing how you are perceived. Am I telling the truth. I mean Instagram you become a professional filters and everything or you guys use this filter when you've got dark clothes on and use this filter when you're outside because Ask a maximize your skin tone make you look vibrant. That's why you're laughing because you know I'm telling the truth and yet nobody wants to and you wonder why all these people walk around with insecurities and not sure that when they actually get in a relationship or they meet face to face the person is actually going to like you. Because you built up yourself to this. Surreal more bigger than life person on social media with pictures that you can control. But you can't control how you look at five o'clock in the morning. Amen. And I tell guys all the time you want to marry someone that looks good at five in the morning. Not at Facebook. Any girl can look good on Facebook. That's the truth. And any brother can make himself look a certain way on Facebook but in real life. You've got to look in a person's eyes. I want to see how you carry yourself. And that takes something that's saying look this whole social media thing I don't believe the hype. It may look a certain way but this is a trend that a lot of people are going into that problem. One of the thing that we want to mention is you know the whole idea of how break ups become more complicated. On social media. You know Facebook added a feature for this. I don't know if you guys are aware of this but they started getting feedback because Facebook has about one point five billion people on their platform. And they started getting feedback about the fact that breaking up was a very complicated thing for people to do because like you had to untag and follow you know. Then he got friends you got to block those people. So he can't come to their profile to get to your profile. So what Facebook did was they created this breakup feature that automatically when you say OK I'm in this relationship. It's private. Because you know back in the day when people broke up. It went to everybody's feet like such and such changed a status from any release to a single dose now and you were on your phone on the train or at Subway like oh snap such a sense broke up then you look at them they don't rip the picture and a half an out of profile picture is different. They just crop them out because the girls and I still look good in that picture and I just sit. So in this sense you know for Candice and I it's very very important. You also recognize that social media also complicates the dissolving of our relationships and how we manage those things so also be very careful how much you bring social media into your relationship is just very critical to be a lot very very balance a couple things that you know we're also seeing general trends in society because we want to really start getting to questions in a minute. The first thing is that a lot of people are choosing to be single for a lot longer. You know seven in ten people and probably within that accounts for most people in this room in that age range seven in ten of those people are deciding to be single. Well into their thirty's right. And so this is where someone asked me a question the other day you know Sasha Why do you think there's all these single women in all the single men they're all in the church or they're all dayer and no one is going after anybody else and I said well at the end of the day you have the fact that there is this trend where people are becoming picky you're in pick you're in pink you just like now I'm not feeling that you know his shoes and you're like his shoes. Sorry man if a guy just has a best of shoes like I just can't roll with that then you got guys you know I was talking to and he was like man I think we went to a little social you know we were at the beach and I saw her feet and I was like and this guy's looking at me like Sebastian is that shallow. And I'm like I mean. It's a little shallow. I think it's a little shallow like but. In this same sense people are becoming pickier that is the trend. And they're choosing seventy percent of people your age are choosing to just wait. And just to add a more interesting fact to that is the fact that on. You know we're looking at the idea that in these fertility treatments. You know a lot more women are actually freezing their eggs. This whole procedure was created so that cancer patients could have kids in the future. Once the cancer was in remission and all these different things so they could still have a family but we discovered the fact that a lot of people started using it for their own personal reasons like I'm a freeze my eggs. And a lot of them were actually in a relationship when they freeze them. And so they surveyed them and I said why are you freezing your eggs if you're in a relationship and they said well because. Not because you're trying to advance their career. That's what everyone thought these women are just trying to advance their career and have kids later in life but what they realize is that these women were actually saying they didn't feel like their current partner was father material so they said I don't know if I want to have kids with him. But my biological clock is ticking. So there's a lot more pressure on women in this area. And so a lot of them are deciding to freeze their eggs and wait till they meet a guy that they feel will be a good father. On the guy side because he doesn't have that biological problem. He's think I have time. So what's the rush. If you have guys who are like Al talk to you but they're very non-committal. And they just use every argument with the woman that you see every conflict everything they don't like as a potential excuse as to well maybe I should marry her. What if I just hate this five years from now after we're married in a member talking to a guy who was like every little thing. And I said Listen man. Sin has entered the world. I don't know if you are aware of that. And number two you are not perfect. I said if a woman looked into the way you look at her guess what. There will be no relationship. So at some point in time we have to be clear on what those non-negotiable is are and recognize this trend. When it's coming that look there are deal breakers biblically in our deal. Your personal life but don't we all see about every little imperfection because no matter what you do a person is not perfect. And you are not perfect. So at the end of the day in order for somebody to marry you. They've got to be gracious to your foolishness and that's the truth and that same token you know looking at the singleness. Is very huge maybe want to talk about the. Couples communicating and talked about this but as we said the reason why we've been talking about these different ways of communicating with these things that are affecting the way that we are able to communicate with each other which therefore affects how we are able to handle other issues in our relationship from. Courtship on Word to just building our homes to parenting etc. While we have these these these new apps that they've developed to try to help couples that are now utilizing a lot of social media to help them develop healthier ways of communicating with one child one another and they. I don't know if you guys have heard of apps like couples. Maybe some of you use it. There are a few others also. And it's supposed to be a way that you and your your Significant your significant other can kind of Chronicle. Or kind of. Just capture. Different significant moments or just a way to communicate for me. And my kids the same thing as texting is just being you know method. But in any case it's supposed to be a way that helps I'm not exactly sure how it but. I think talking talking communicating in that way is what's best. Yes So what the. The couple's app we downloaded it. We were we. I mean we have the app but. You know we have our little names for each other in things that we communicate so I know you know if we're sitting in a situation. Right. Candice you know has certain gestures right to let me know it's time to go or discover say she's going to long range or you should the said so. So in that sense you know we have our own communication system but these apps we're trying to help the fact that most young adults coming into relationships they haven't developed that So this kind of builds that exclusivity. Where you can kind of like she said chronicle the different experiences pictures and you can draw on the app and you know exchange different memories anniversaries or remind you of birthdays in. All that kind of stuff so we we we think that you know as a trend. It's growing in popularity. So it may be something that's useful but for us we haven't found it to necessarily be a game changer at all. You know. Terms of technology. The last thing I want to mention. And I know we got to go to the questions because I want to give me the look that means we have to move on you. These are things you can't communicate. Otherwise. Is one of the one of the biggest trends actually that was interesting to me. Is that the increase in the number of women who are over or out earning their male counterparts. So there's a lot of women making more money than their boyfriend or their husband and of course this obviously creates a lot of tension because you know men like to feel like men. So is like are earning. And this traditionally right was his way of kind of showing like he valued his family and you know I'm providing for this and I'm providing for that. And so. With this new trend. It's now one in four women out earn their partner which is huge. I mean it's up by. A lot since two thousand and one. And so with this particular trend. What they're what you can recommend with this is that sometimes the guy can feel if he's being out earned right that oh well you know. The power goes to the one who's earning the most money and so one of the things that you know we recommend is that people kind of take an approach of saying just because he's earning less money. You know we can say hey we're the ones earning more money kind of takes care of some of the fundamental bills and the one who's earning less money becomes like a we're going to get rid of our debt with this income or we're going to save up for our house or we're going to take a vacation and so that way they feel like their money is not just thrown aside. Look I make twice as much as you. So I'm going to buy this Louis baton back. Whether you like it or not. And this leads to conflict. And so we say well in terms of the choices are you manage your finances. That's a separate conversation. But in terms of how you treat the individual who's making less money because it could be the wife as well or the woman. And recognizing that we give purpose to every individual's money. It helps to kind of remove that stigma as if all this person is not really contributing. But that is also a very big trend because women are getting into a lot more positions of high earning fields are opening up for them in a lot of different ways a lot of female entrepreneur freelancers. So you've got to recognize the fact guys that I mean you may be a woman who's going to be earning more money than you and you've got to be able to deal with that in terms of your ego. And you've got to be able to deal with that in terms of a let's manage this in let's not make this more of an issue than it actually is. So. And I think also sometimes we feel it's the only think about being the breadwinner so what have you to providers for the home. We oftentimes categorize that to being like the finance the financial things the financial elements yes we do. Need physical houses and food or what have you but I mean they're supposed to be bringing a lot more than that there's a lot more that needs to be provided we talked about this week. Again the spiritual headship and the the role of the Father in doing so providing for the family in that way it could be providing the structure providing the other supports that the mother or the wife needs or other things that the children me. So when we talk about you know. Yes finances we may think because I earn less. I'm automatically disqualified from being the provider of my home but we need to remember that there are other ways that significantly. That men contribute to the relationship into the home that is still in. Him and well that's so we're going to start with the questions we got to type form. And try to answer those systematically. OK. The first question is if you have had if you had bad habits or tendencies in the past and fix it before you have a child will your children have your new habits old ones or both. All right well first of all you member we talked about Genesis Chapter five yesterday for those of you came to the parenting session. We talked about Genesis Chapter five in the Bible says that Adam was made in the image of God in the likeness of God But then a couple verses later it tells us that Adam got a son in his own likeness. Now the reason why it's in his own likeness is because out of no longer bear is God's likeness. Are you with me. So in that particular. Text. It's letting us know that your children are born with your genetic tendencies to wrong. So it's not necessarily what your bad habits were before they were born or before you were converted it's more so each of us has genetic tendencies to evil. And there are also cultivated tendencies to evil. So it's not it's hard to say which of those that you had before you had children were cultivated by your environment in which of those were genetic tendencies I'll give you an example. You know growing up in inner city Chicago I was surrounded by drugs. And I was surrounded by a lot of different things. Violence Drugs. You know hyper sexuality and things like that violence. But you know my my father was never one given to drugs My met my mother was never one given to drugs. And so for me it was never ever a temptation was never ever a struggle. But at the same token my parents definitely had struggles with sexuality because I was conceived outside of marriage while they're in college. And my father you know was known and my family used to make it known. You're a Braxton so you got to so your wild oats and get that out your system before you get marry and so that was how it was always perceived. And so recognizing that also lets me know that. OK if I have any struggle in the area of sexuality that's probably a genetic tendency to wrong because it seems to have been a generational thing from my dad to my grandfather etc etc But in terms of drugs. If I were to get into drugs. You know. And some of my siblings have gotten into drugs. You know that would be more of a cultivated thing because I didn't have that you know growing up that was just never our tendency and we grew up around it. So I think when you look at your kids being born. They're going to have those genetic tendencies but it's hard to really identify what those are until you actually see your kid start growing up and you realize like. My daughter has my temper. You know my son has my aggression or you know this person likes to lie and make up stories or this one is struggling to apologize or admit that they made a mistake. Those are the things you begin to see like oh you're They get that from me because. I have that stroke or I used to have that shrug. So it's only when you see your kids growing and developing that you realize what kind of habits those are but based on Genesis five and we see this pattern throughout the Bible. Abraham lied to protect Sarah you know when he was going to Egypt. Isaac did the same thing. David had multiple wives Solomon to get to the next level. You know seven hundred wives three hundred car coupons. So we can see. Certain trends. Even in the Bible that father and son. There's some sort of passed down trait. As well and I think this is why in our parenting seminar we talked about the importance of one of the things to prepare for parenthood is the father and mother both recognizing what their weaknesses are and striving to become. Striving to practice the things that they want their children to be doing striving to become better at them so recognizing what their weaknesses are and finding ways to work through them to change those things and I think the reason why it's so important that we do that is because if those tendencies are developed in a children then because we have taken the time to work through them ourselves we are now equipped to help our children work through those same issues and so we are effectively teaching them how to live better than how we were. OK. And next question is. What can I say to someone who is an equally yoked in a relationship with an unbeliever. Who is not of their ethnicity and living with the person but not married. You want me to start with this story. OK First of all the question. There's a couple issues in the question. A person a person. Is not equally yoked based upon ethnicity. There are writings in Ellen White and I remember doing a week of prayer at a place that shall remain nameless and an individual came to me because he was dating someone of another race or ethnicity and this quote from Ellen White had been brought to him that this was wrong and that it shouldn't be done and so they you know putting a lot of pressure on him and her to separate because they were of different races and cultures and I had a concert explain to him the context of the statement. This is after slavery racism was very overt you could easily just. Take a black person and lynch them. If you wanted to. And so I dos times and white was recognizing that if your families are hostile to your relationship. You're not going to have a happy relationship and the relationship is not just about you. Right. You're marrying into the family and I don't know about you but I couldn't marry someone that I know when my son is born of my daughter is born that their grandparents are going to look down upon them because of the color of their skin. So in this sense the historical context of when Ellen White was writing those comments is very very close to slavery emancipation and all these different things but in our day we obviously recognize that that's not the same issue right we have a black president. So we are obviously not in that place in order for a president to get elected. There's only you know what is it. Thirteen percent of the population is is black. So thirteen percent of population is black and Brock Obama won the election. It means a lot of non-black people voted for him. And so in that sense you know and in a lot of ways as a country we've moved beyond that and a lot of ways we have not obviously let that common a load but. But nevertheless. Ethnicity is not an issue of being an equally you. It doesn't mean you will have difficulties if you cross culturally engage there will be complications for sure but. Not necessarily meaning unequally yoked to address the other part of the question biblically quoting from Second Corinthians Chapter six being out on equally yoked with unbelievers the council yoke is accountable oxen. Being bound together to accomplish a work and when you're an equally yoked you're either unequally yoked in two forms in terms of the metaphor. Of a yoke as an oxen you have a weaker ox. So therefore I'm going to be carrying all the burden which means I'm going to burn out. That's why you don't own an equally yoked I'm the second way is this ox is not discipline. So as we're trying to plow the field and carry this yoke forward this axis trying to go to the right and I'm trying to go straight and that's going to take more effort for me to keep the past St because this ox is veering off the path. And so when we talk about being an equally yoked with unbelievers the Bible is unequivocal. This should not be done when you look at the prayer of Nehemiah in the book of the Amar you look at as a Chapter nine. It's very very clear that Solomon sinned by marrying women who are not of the same faith. So in this sense. What do you say to a person or your friend. I mean the simple answer is that most of the time your friend knew that it was wrong. If they didn't know it was wrong. I would ask them and show them different things from the Bible. Beyond that or you can really do is pray because when people are are venturing against something that they already know to be true what they believe to be true. I mean you're not going to convince a person who wants to do what they want to do even God doesn't force them. So at the end of the day if a person is joined to their idols. You gotta let them be and pray for them and sometimes like the prodigal son misery overcomes. You have ventured to come to yourself and recognize this was a bad decision. And they come back but sometimes people got to be covering the food of pigs in order to come home. So sometimes you gotta let them fall to that level. It's painful. To watch. But at the end of the day. You can't force a human being. So in terms of what you say to your friend you're praying for them continue to be their friend. Continue to be there to support them. You know our friends who have made choices similarly and I let them know the same thing I love you. You're still a brother yourself a sister for me but you know where I stand on this issue. You know I don't support it. I can't come to your wedding but at the end of the day I'm going to love you and support you as a friend. Because as a Christian. I still love you as a person. And you're not my enemy. So I want to see you WILL happen if they ever have a moment where I want to reach out. I want to be that for and that they call that they know they can trust and love them no matter what. OK. Our next question. Says Candace what confirmation from God Did you receive to marry Sebastian what can we do to receive an answer from God. She was still in the biceps and I over there. Now you can tell them the answer we prepared. But the answer is very sure it. I think those that were here for at that summit I think it wasn't for me probably engagement and wedding and there was a long period of time before after he expressed interest that. Where we were just becoming in building a friendship. It was a year nine months and this was not intentional but the Lord knows why he did certain things and I thank him for that time. And so during that time I got to observe and learn a lot of things about him and we did have you know we clicked and there was there was a good friendship that we had there. Course we talked about our non-negotiable. I would go through my list with you but those things he didn't have any of those so you know practically or on the rational level everything everything was sitting the spiritual elements of course God's requirements. He fit all of those as well. You sound kind of perfect here. I mean you know how No but there was a misnomer rep. I'm on this right now. But still there were still this waiting time and it was really getting to me. So remember I talked about needing to get away and I went on a mission trip. I went to just have me a Jesus time. And while I was there. A couple different things came. The liberal couple different things to me that I needed to work through one of the really the most important things I think was. Was realizing that. When a person asked me you know what if God said no. What if God said that this is not after all of this that you guys have experience together this time of waiting of debating everything fits that up to what if God were to say no when that no be sufficient or would you accept that no from him and I remember that riveted me because I'm like Come on Lord. You wouldn't say no to me like everything fits. Why would you why would I never considered him saying no and then I had to get to a place where I said you know if God said no. I would rather. I'd rather have Jesus. And it was really courting at the time too but it really meant that. I trust that God knows what's best. And even though this does not seem or look like it would be the best thing for me I trust Him above. Even my own emotions. And at that point when I came to that to that too. Lucian. That's when he came and he came and talked about it and expressed that he wanted to do that he wanted to move on in our relationship and so that was confirmation for me that you know. Once I realized that I wasn't I wasn't. I guess selfishly holding onto a relationship and wanting him desiring it that I really was giving it over to the Lord. And then he gave it back and so I guess that was confirmation for me. And the second part of the question was What do I do it can open. What can we do to receive an answer from God And I think that's really simple to you know the Bible talks about if you want to know the will of God we have to be willing to to do it right you so what can we do to receive an answer from God of course. If you're willing to do what God is saying then he'll reveal his will to you. On that issue as well. The next question is after you. Sebastian. I think it was asking how did you choose your spiritual mother. Oh. How did I choose my spiritual mother. Yes. The irony is that you know there was no plan or process. No one came to me and Sebastian you know you should get spiritual parents or mentors. It just kind of came providentially. As I was doing ministry. There were older individuals in the faith who recognize my passion and my drive to serve God but they also recognize that I had some rough edges. And they were the people who were pulled me aside. So he Sebastian you know that was a lesson sermon but you might want to add a low hope at the end of the sermon. You know because when I used to preach back in the data was no hope to my servants. You know the goal was that people didn't leave depressed in feeling like it was the day of atonement you did not preach and. Thank God for spiritual parents. Who can pull you aside and let you know that that's not the full gospel. You know the goal of preaching a hard message. What makes the message hard is not that it makes me feel depressed or makes it hard is that the human will doesn't want to surrender. And so why make it more difficult for them to want to follow God why not preach in a way that makes it attractive to do the will of Christ. And so those kind of things you know would come through these individuals and eventually that relationship just continue to escalate and I think it was solidified by the fact that I started reaching out to them and asking them for counsel but equally they were reciprocating and know and so I remember the one of the first times you know my my spiritual mother was I was recognized and I was going through a difficult time spiritually and she says you know what I'm a Dr in town and my day off and we're going to go out to lunch. And I'll never forget this day as long as I live. I came out of my apartment on campus. And when she pulled up she parked a car told it just parked right there. I'll be right out when I walked out. She got out the car and started moving to the passenger side and I said Why move into the passenger side she said your men I know you want to drive. I was like OK. She's Are you going to get my door. Yeah of course of course right. Open the door she gets in the car get around you drive in we get to the restaurant and I mean she's older than me. Right. She's wiser than so we get to the restaurant and you know she says would you. On my oh yes she's going to have this in this in this and then this is what I'm going to have okayed in the food comes. We're talking and she says OK. If you like to bless the food. Sure these. They're all different things that I was interacting with her she did not feel as if she was less than me or beneath me in doing these things but her goal was to teach me. This is how you interact with a woman. This is how you treat a lady. This is how you carry yourself if you're going to be a preacher. If you're going to call yourself a man of God and that needs to spill over into every little detail of how you do and those moments are really was solidified for me that I wanted more investment from her and more investment from my spiritual father you know the same way will pull me aside and let me know. Sebastian you need to keep going back and digging deeper in this text. Don't be satisfied with average sermons. So you know the answer is really not that I chose them. I don't think there was a selection process. I think it was more so that as I was serving God I met people who are wiser more experienced and as there was investment coming towards me I invested back in return. And we just continue to maintain that reciprocity. So that's really how I think it came to pass. And we have our time is winding down still trying to see three Marine who want to take some from the floor. Here. OK that is anybody have a question that's here. OK well you think about your questions. I'm going to ask one of the question. OK. Well I can. Yeah yeah. What's your question. Between your personal mission and your marriage partner. So what should you find first is your question. Well I think. There's When it comes to God's will for your life. I'm assuming that's what you're referring to. There's three different examples in the Bible. Right. You have the Jesus example where his purpose was clear before he was even born. Right. The. Angel told Mary. This is his name. This is what he's going to do. John the Baptist was the same Samson was the same Their purpose was already cut out before they were even born. Jeremiah. So in these instances right. They knew their purpose Isaac before you met Rebecca. And the irony of that situation is Isaac's purpose was there before he married Rebecca but when he married Rebecca he realize even though all of the promises of Avram were going to be fulfilled through Isaac. Rebecca was barren she couldn't have children. So wait a minute. How could God lead me to a wife knowing that God Abraham's seed is supposed to be reproduce the ME and become a great nation and lead me to a wife that can have children. Isaac's response wasn't God deceived me or God misled me or rebel Rebecca's the wrong woman. His answer was to pray for twenty years. You go to Abraham. Abraham was seventy five when God called him. We don't even know what he was doing before God called. So his purpose to go out and be the father of many nations didn't come until later in his life when Abraham was already married. I following. So I don't know if there is necessarily a. A formula to say you have to do this before the other because God has done both ways. Sarah was barren as well. And Abraham married her she couldn't have children but God said this is what I'm going to do anyway. And again it was later in his life that he discovered this is his purpose and at the same token he was already married so I think. The order can be either way it goes I don't think you know so you have to know for sure. This is what I'm going to do the rest of my life before you get married. Can this new before we got married. That I was going to traveling and preaching. She knew that I was a preacher she knew I was into ministry. This was going to be our life this is what we this is what I was about now. But at the same token she could have married me. Let's say years ago when I wasn't a preacher and all the sudden God calls me to be a preacher after we're already married. And that brings its own set of challenges. So I think the key element there is that you can't really say I have to find this one first. But I do think that whenever you find a purpose. In your marriage. You should always strive to have a vision for yourselves as a married couple. Yes you may be passionate about this but whatever you're doing needs to include your wife. And vice versa. Your husband. Yes. So. So people suffered a lot of break ups and how do they recover from those break ups. OK so how do you recover from a breakup. And it's an enormous woman it's a very painful breakup. OK And this is between unmarried people. And yeah OK. So they're young adults they were in a relationship. I'm assuming they were hoping towards marriage. Maybe maybe not. OK we'll let that go. But regardless of the fact. How do you recover from a breakup. Do you want to start on that or you start. OK. I have to can this is I go ahead Silvertone So I'm thinking. Well I think recovering some say the first thing is time. Yeah I think you need to take time to figure out where the problems were and and. Yeah I guess just give yourself time to process the whole thing. Because if you have less than thing that has been really difficult. You don't want to make the same mistakes again right. And so that's to take the time that's needed to really think about what the what the learning of the lessons learned from that from that experience. Were and how you can you know later use that in the future and I think the assumption of that point right. You know babe is that you don't get into another relationship. Yes that's trying to you. Process that that's what time in terms of time so it's not like get into a relationship but I'm still processing. You know you should be processed. You know past tense and then get into another relationship. I think something else is also noticed a pattern in your own life. You're not a person come to me and it's like you know every guy that I date. It always goes this way where we always have these issues right and I said OK So you dated you know Tom John Harry. You know whoever and all these relationships gone south and I said you know what's the common denominator is you have to meet these are four different guys right. But you're the same person. So the same. It's also important to reflect on the fact that I as an individual right. Have to own my part of the break up after all my part in my contribution to the situation right. Don't ever fall for the one story. The one sided story. There's two sides to every story and that's important because the same reason why you know. Candace and I are always very careful to say you know you should never be blasting your significant other in public in front of other people and the reason for that is it doesn't make them look bad. It makes you look bad clout a guy come to me it's like memoir girlfriends crazy. Like she was throwing knives at me. You know super you know she has a really bad temper and one time she broke dishes and I'm like he's like yes she's crazy I'm like she's not crazy your crazy. He's like oh my crazy because you start. Dating are you still and you still are exactly. Some like who would date a crazy person. Except for a crazy person because I can tell you right now a girl pulled out a knife for me is game over that relationship is in the past. So recognizing our part of that that situation in terms of recovery and healing is also important process in the last thing I would say is don't try to act like everything is negative. Sometimes we try to make a person look like a terrible person. And that's why we broke up with them. You don't have to do that you can break up with people who are perfectly good people. It just was not working out and so you got to be able to accept the good in the bad that's the difference between an immature person in a mature person. And they don't can say look we had some good times together but I try to be with you. You know that's OK because we had some good times that doesn't mean we got to go and keep pushing forward in this or because he was my first and took my virginity I should try to make this work no matter what negative. I understand the pain understand the disappointment but at the end of the day write a bad marriage is a bad marriage. So in that sense I think it's also important to be able to balance and not just feel like you have to lambaste the person in order to move forward. You have time for just one more thing. So my wife says one more Chris. That they should only be in one relationship ever. Well I think there's a lot of things you can say to that person. The first one the first one is that that's ideal. Right. We hope that we never have to do it twice. You know they surveyed a whole bunch of people and they said What is something that you only want to go through life once they said marriage life. You know getting into a relationship. I don't want to go through that twice. Anyone here is looking for heartbreak. No. That was never your intention so I think that's the ideal at the same token we have to acknowledge that just because that ideal is not realized does not kill the possibility of the happiness that God has for us in marriage. And I would let that individual also know that you know what happens if you get married like a young woman you know that recently in North Carolina. You know was married and her husband died and they're only twenty seven years old. Should she never ever be in another relationship again. You know and again you have that same point the circumstances happen so I think there's a lot of things I could say to that person but I don't believe the Bible subscribes to this whole idea that if you're not with this one individual. That God has chosen for you then you will never be with anyone I don't believe that. And I don't believe the Bible teaches that I know there are people that subscribe to that philosophy. We don't we don't subscribe to that because to me the danger in that philosophy is. You can get into a relationship. He's abusive but God called me to this relationship you can get into relationship. He's cheating in unfaithful to God called me into this relationship. I think what you're saying is that the end of the day we still have our free choice. And so even if this is the person. The person is still making decisions each day about what's happened person they are cities so they may not in their ideal state or what have you know perhaps that's why they're chosen for you play with making decisions each day and deciding whether or not we're going to be our ideal selves are not absolutely. OK We have one more we will if you guys are willing OK. I would say one more. Dating right. We should cut off the question. There's definitely a lot that we can say to that situation and I think what I'll start with is is that you know. Number one I think the fundamental breakdown in what you described. Is. The environment of that youth group was not conducted in a way where communication was considered to be value that we can be open and honest even if we feel like we're doing the wrong thing and the feeling that I might be judged or someone might look at me sideways like you talking to who you know. I think that's a fundamental thing that needs to be addressed is that the environment wasn't set so that a person could say hey men relations are not bad interest is not negative when I say you going to hell. You know or that you know brother you've got to get pregnant. You know or you know this is about to catch AIDS. It's like we weren't doing that. Right. If we set the table like that. That's what suppresses openness and honesty because people feel like they're not going to be accepted. No matter what. So I think that's the first and it has to be repaired. I think the second thing is is that we also have to acknowledge that there's availability by. And availability bias is this thing I call you know when a group of people are together doing something for any length of time. They only start looking within the group. And it's like well we're all here and now we all go there. We all do outreach we're all going to Bible study we're all doing this we hang out of this person because you're right. And with that group there becomes a hierarchy in their group that's created in who's more valuable to court and if you get that girl then you're kind of the alpha dog of the group and if you get that guy you're the alpha female of the group. So all those dynamics are also things that need to be addressed that our group should be also focused on engaging in other groups engaging it outside of our group. And that helps us to see that look all the pretty girls are not just in this circle right all the potential guys are not just in the circle and we need to recognize what God sees versus what we see. I think the last thing I would say is. There has to be someone that all those individuals and that fall out personally respect and trust that needs to make a personal visit to them. Because Jesus was able to bring the disciples together in himself. Because he knew that Jesus. They knew that Jesus love each and every one of them individually. And therefore even if James and John you know and Peter and you are having conflicts of power. Who's going to sit on his right hand and left him right there is power struggles among the disciples. But why would I hang around. Because they love Jesus and because Jesus loved them. There was a central figure so I think in the same sense if there is someone in that group that they all can mutually trust and have respect for and believe is going to accept them and love them. That person has to make some personal visits to start setting the laying the groundwork for them to have a group conversation. Hey would you be willing to sit down with such and such because I think we need to talk this out because God doesn't want our group to be in shambles like he wants us to be unified. We want to be together. I know you were hurt. I'm listening to your side of the story. I'm acknowledging where you were wrong and I will defend you. If we go to the group and I think of someone can provide that I think that will help to open the situation up for everybody to have dialogue and start the restoration process. Only I mean all right. I may sound. Sorry they were not able to take anymore questions but if you go to this link and you type in your question in the e-mail a jest will try to send you an answer. I guess pulls something and we also have if you go on i Tunes. We have a podcast called advising love. So we're going to be posting some of the presentations to that part cast from this week as well as other questions that we're going to be addressing will be posting on that pod cast as well. So you can search it in the i Tunes store in the pod cast and will be addressing that as well. Advising low. So let's stand for prayer. Sabbath is about to end. Father in heaven. We just want to thank you Lord for the privilege of being able to gather together. One final time to talk about such an important issue of relationships. Lord we know we weren't able to answer every single question address every single trend. And modern expression of relationships in our time. But we prayed Lord that what we were able to share and discuss will be something that you can use to protect us from the Devil's devices. The devil doesn't want any person in this room or under the sound of our voice. Who may listen to this even hereafter. To find true joy and happiness in marriage the prophet of the Lord reminds us that the devil seeks avidly. To get us to join in ourselves. And to make a mistake in this area of marriage because he knows that if you can get us to marry the wrong person. Then he will forever have access to us and he will be more successful at destroying our chances of salvation in the world to come so Lord help us. Not to give the devil his way and help us to allow Jesus to be our advice as we go on the journey of this is operating that we trust you help this to be our experience we offer this prayer from our heart in Jesus' name and this message was presented at the G Y C twenty sixteen conference when all has been heard in Houston Texas a supporting Ministry of the Seventh Day Adventist Church seeks to inspire young people to be bible based Christ centered and so winning Christians for other resources like this visit us online at W W W G Y C web where Gene.

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