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Logo of ASI 2009: By Knowing Him

Knowing Him as a Family, Part 1

Edgar Vyhmeister Judith Vyhmeister

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Conference

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  • August 6, 2009
    7:00 AM
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six Bible commentary ten seventy five it describes the new birth she says the new birth is a rare experience in this age of the world this is the reason why there are so many perplexities in the churches many so many who assumed the name of Christ are on sanctified and unholy they have been baptized but they were buried alive cell did not die and therefore they did not rise to newness of life in Christ the family today is under attack fifty percent of first-time marriages are ending in divorce the statistics go higher for second and even higher for third marriages in the church the divorce rate is higher which tells you which group Satan is interested in my and I moved to Sonora California in nineteen ninety eight we started a couples group that lasted for three years we then started the Christ quest Institute with a weekend seminar followed by a three year cycle of weekly group and every other week video presentation I Christ West Institute this was a program from life partners Christian ministries founded by Kenmare based out of Phoenix Arizona it was a privilege to work with the couples culture this quote is from evangelical effort education to deal with human minds is the nicest job that was ever committed to mortal man this morning we will does problem couples dating some of the principles taught describe the paradigm shift and had to take place and then the impact it had on the couples example number one the husband grew up in a very abusive childhood his father was incredibly verbally and physically abusive at a young age he joined the Marines he was a man's man in spite of his father he became a very sincere follower of Christ he asked God home you should marry a girl 's name came to his mind he courted and married her however under his leadership his wife became quiet withdrawn and depressed if she ever opened the she paid for it he and his wife came to class because one of his friends had invited him he was resistant and very guarded how would you counsel this couple couples were to this husband is missionary father had been unfaithful to his mother as a result of bitterness he brought rage and anger into his marriage even though he was a Sabbath school teacher trouble brewed at home he was knowing to trash his home in this anger he was easily defend them when confronted his flesh would rise as he defended himself he thought that what happened in marriage should never be discussed publicly one night when he was gently asked a question he got mad and left the group abruptly he left squinting as car wheel out of the parking lot how would you counsel this couple example number three this physician and his wife traveled several hours each evening to participate he was first elder at his local church people look on them as a model couple yet the wife felt so alone his wife wondered if she had married the right man her father had advised her to marry him they both came from missionary families however there was constant conflict in the home he was irritable critical demeaning grumpy sour exacting complaining unhappy yet they were in church every week smiling the testimony of their grown daughter was that there was always arguing with no resolution she wondered if they really love each other how would you counsel this couple example number four was a pastor and his wife he was well studied and learned he corrected his wife frequently and felt superior to her he was proud self-righteous she was suffering under his demeaning oppressive leadership she refused to return home with her husband after the seminar she did not want to return home unless he agreed to participate in the weekly discipling sessions how would you counsel this couple we just counseled her to go home be under his authority just appreciate his good points and not complain what principles did they learn they were so invaluable as to make the dramatic changes that occurred how would you run a group of couples at varying levels of maturity with some even separated their lives would not eat him him to the group others had a more mature relationship they just wanted more intimacy all were professing to be Christians but the husbands especially were bitter blaming their wives taking things personally so that it was hard for them to be objective most of them had a 50-50 mentality that says you do your part I'll do my part if you don't do your part then I'm nothing to do my part other attitudes included I would be a pretty good husband if my wife would change or idea pretty good husband of if I had a different wife they were self-sufficient with a mental consent to the truth but lacked the heart change however they all wanted a better relationship all stated they were willing for their thinking to change based on Bible truth the following are some basic principles utilized number one the men were told at the beginning that this was a man is the slightly group not a marriage counseling group the gospel commission in Matthew twenty eight states go therefore and make disciples of all the nations baptizing them in the name of the father and the son and the Holy Spirit number two the goal was to help a man to become more Christlike and to understand the heart of their wise men were encouraged to maintain this goal of Christ likeness regardless of the response of their wise they were there to please God not there why after all there wise might suggest doing the wrong thing number three women were not to be corrected publicly it was too hard on them they were already critiquing themselves and being very hard on themselves Public exposure would have been unnecessarily devastating the men were responsible for presenting their wives without spot or wrinkle before God not waiting as group leaders Ephesians five husbands love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her that he might sanctify her having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word that he might present to himself the church in all her glory having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing but that she should be holy and blameless so husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies number four men were to accept hundred percent responsibility for whatever happened in the home the same way a foreman accepts responsibility for his employees the buck stops here we were not talking about fault fault means that you are a problem cause or that we were talking about responsibility which means that we are a problem solver do you hear the difference so far means we are a problem cause or responsibility means that we are a problem solver so what is a spiritual leader and the root of a lot of misconceptions as to whether spiritual leader was but this is one of the things that we learned a man who has the ability to perceive the spirit of another to understand his condition at that moment and know what is required by God to care for that person spirit in a manner that will increase that person 's spiritual maturity a repeat that again a spiritual leader is a man who has the ability to perceive the spirit of another see the spirit of my wife to understand its condition at that moment and aesthetic condition of her heart at that moment and know what is required by God to care for that person spirit or her heart in a manner that will increase that person 's spiritual maturity would that be tremendous if every home a man was a true spiritual leader what is that mean to accept her percent responsibility many men here the word faults and I wanted to clarify this a little bit so we've asked a couple of the best men what is that mean to you and so it would ask him is your wife that offer some of the problems and in the home they always say yes of course and we asked him are you at fault for the sun some of things in the home they think it's a trick question and so then we say yes your office with it all yes yes I met up with some of the things that happen in our home they do want take all of the fall and now is Christ that fall for the problems that happen to us as human beings as Christians as husbands and wives and they say will know he's not at fault at all now live in the fourth questions is most crucial does Christ hold himself one hundred percent responsibility and then most of the time they say yes because that's what the gospel is all about Christ is our only hope he became sin for us he is our Savior the gospel across that for the cross is all about is Christ taking hundred percent responsibility it is in this context that men are taught to be as a savior to their families this is having the mind of Christ which mention just a few moments we can agree that with Christ that we are wretched miserable poor blind and naked as a public the good guys because as so often the good guys are the ones that have it appear like a good guy but they don't necessarily an army truly surrendered in the home everything served a great guy what we have and asked is what is your motivation while you coming here why do you want to come here if you are coming to improve your marriage we can help you if you want to learn what it means to be like Christ in your home then we can help you if it is your fervent desire to be a living demonstration of the character of Christ we can help you win number five we introduce the concept the helper which is a word in Hebrew is the word Azor and we don't have the pictures together show you but that there's three letters of the Hebrew alla that our alphabet that comprises what easier end of the first letter looks like an high with a little pupil in the center network media that letter means reveals the second letter of this word is the letter is Diane which has is the sound and that means the action looks like an ax in the ancient pictorial Hebrew the third letter looks like a nine and that means the letter rash and has in our sound nest the word for man to the word Azor really means revealer of the axman aphrodisiacs man and in Scripture when they put in words like that letters together it has a special meaning and axman in Hebrew means enemy so this is a revealer of the enemy Genesis chapter two eighteen describes the concept it is not good that man should be alone I will make it him a helper for him elsewhere in Psalms if it describes I lift up my knife into the husband went with my help that the same word and that's referring to the Holy Spirit the helper is used for the Holy Spirit this means that God uses the woman said that is a little hard but I encourage you to do this and carefully and ponder it this means that God is a woman to reveal when a man is not representing Christ likeness it is just in her just part of her she's designed that way wise is the man who listens to his wife and takes her into consideration this is a key concept in understanding our wise a helper then is someone who reveals how we are not demonstrating chronic lot Christ likeness a helper is someone who reveals the enemy which is self this allows wife to play the role that God intended for them to have in the home men and women tend to treat each other as the enemy especially when there are serious problems may begin to have adversarial roles and build walls big walls the God appointed the wife to help the man see how he is not like Christ so this is the concept of the helper and is a powerful cause when you start listening to radio start making application firstly it transforms your life it transforms your way up looking at at you why it transforms away of looking at women of some of the couples were there in the early stages they they can hear when that wife of one of their colleagues is is is making a comment for Heather she's being a good helper and they can see the value in it but they don't necessary at first see the value for them normalize but when you could begin to see the value for yourself and your own marriage that's when you really start having some exciting times happen and and God is in the business of changing as is any is a in this way we are number six your desire shall be for your husband now this is a a part of the curse if you are acquainted with the passage is there in the Genesis chapter three this begins with verse seven and onwards in the eyes of both of them were opened and they knew that they were naked and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings and they heard the sound alert walking in the garden of the cool nickel of the day and Adam his wife hid themselves in the present Lord among the trees of the garden and the Lord God called to Adam and said where are you so he said I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked and my I hid myself to listen to how God dealt with out-of-date you say Adam you have said what in the world are you doing instead of doing that he said Adam where are you here he asked him and they said who told you that you were naked have you eaten from the tree which I commanded you that you should not be a good God know whether he had eaten the other three are not of course he did but that's the way that God deals with as he goes any lessons and he asks questions whenever you ask questions usually know the answer but your wine to see whether there to answer the correct answer or not were they really understand the situation are not the demand said the woman whom you gave to be with me she gave me of the tree and I ate and the Lord God said to the woman what is this you have done the woman said the serpent he sees me and I so here we see already Adam blaming God and the woman the woman whom you gave to be with me she made me eat and then Eve said the servant he sees me and I ate so this is a curse and were just in the mansion the curse of the women because occurs to the men and ethnic Chris into describes the tilling the soil need to do list when of their brow to the woman he said I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception has a lot of woman been one of sorrow and especially in conception and pain you shall bring forth children is it painful to be ever known of a woman who did not have pain in childbirth except if she had known anesthetic your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you so here's a passage your desire shall be for your husband what does that mean this is the word test request in Hebrew and in the original sense it means a stretching out after a longing for a stretching out after a longing for the business down in three places inscriptions found here is found also in Genesis four percent in its desire to be referred to sin is toward you but you should rule over it and then a song of Solomon sent December ten I am my beloved 's and his desire is toward me and so when we look at those passages not any of those really help us to understand what this is meaning because it if worrying we were to do it this could be accursed out to be occurs in ethnic earth that I and so it it it really meant it your desire shall be for your husband so women these Arthur Sapp has been sexually and for a man at the number one thing on his list without he occurs now that would be accursed and so then so then what if we as we put it all together then within the context of a curse your desire shall be for your husband 's a woman looks to her husband for value and affirmation that she looked her husband for valiant affirmation any and he listened a decent haul yes and even a furniture he showed her value you need to let her feel like she was just the most tremendous personal world if a man to death and without he occurs now that would be presented tremendous now but the first part is if you don't have a clue how to give you valuable information in his self with his and his self-centered motive of operation is that your cravings for valiant affirmation shall be for your husband and he will not understand how to value and affirm you that occurs massacres it's a relationship motivation that a woman has in the curse we could tell that women get together they talk about what a talk about talk about their families it's about a husband to talk about their children we get to get his men would talk about we talk about cars and motorcycles and skiing those types of things so we have a group of men and their wives were living in the flesh who have very little power in their lives and ours if a marriage is in trouble someone is in the flesh we conceptualize the problem is latency and they know not that they are wretched miserable poor blind and naked the problem is not that they are wretched miserable poor blind and naked the problem is they don't know it they had to be legacy their helpless and hopeless condition and become spiritual minded and cry out as Paul did in Romans seven I am of the flesh sold under sin only a spiritual man would say that by watching each other they began to see the defensiveness and self-justification that was so prevalent in the man they saw the hardness of their hearts we encourage the women to speak out in I hope their husbands the other man saw the earnestness of the women wanting their husbands to be Christlike Asaph they saw how Felicia man looked resisting his wife's efforts slowly but surely the men would begin asking themselves do I have as little understanding of my wife's heart insight he demonstrated in the other men could it be that I lack understanding also big gain objectivity in each difficult situations by asking the question what is God trying to teach me through this and effect at this one it just one thing you take from this seminar take this question with you when things get rough ask yourself what is God trying to teach me through this you immediately become objective the men saw that they consistently underestimated the impact they had in the marriage and this was something we had this repeat week by week over and over again you're underestimating the impact you have on your wife and family he eventually they saw that their wife was not the enemy but their God given helper slowly the men as a group became humble instead of the volatile angry tense group that went on week after week the men began to realize their hopeless helpless condition that they needed a heart change they needed a supernatural work in their lives that would come only by a surrender to the will of God they had to die hi Gisele blessings page sixteen tells us it is love of self love of what love of self it destroys our peace YSL is all alive we stand ready continually to guard it from mortification and insult but when we are dead in our life is hid with Christ in God we shall not take neglects or slides to heart we shall be death to reproach and blind to scorn an insult that be tremendous I remember being told as a young man that we need to guard a man's ego what is the word ego mean in Greek means self that in the Eagle is not fragile we need to be well careful of the man's ego is that true in reality though than the ego needs to be crucified himself should be crucified to try the end of the of these three years the group became like a prayer meeting with personal testimonies of how victories through through Christ were occurring daily Bible study was occurring there except that Christ's death as their death they gaily began to rise the newness of life because Christ was resurrected to newness of life the overall principle of the ministry was dying to self we had a group of men who did not understand how to die to self many times they would be volatile in order to counteract this we had been direct questions to the leaders only ultimately decrypts became a living demonstration of God 's power and what happens in the family when the man humbles himself him his sins and cries out to God remember we did not correct the women we wanted the man to see what power they had in their own families I'd like to go back and review now the couples that we the examples and we gave you the beginning to member example another number one the husband grew up in an abusive home childhood and his father was very abusive verbally and physically he joined the Marines is man's man about two and a half years into the program his wife was discouraged challenged about bitterness toward his father he said I'm not bitter by this time he had learned by watching other men's wives that wise to have something valuable to contribute she agreed he was better realizing that his relationship to his father was presenting him from bonding with his wife and under encouragement he wrote a letter to his father he never done that before and he listed several things for which he was thankful thankful he was thankful for that spot his work ethic having taught him how to be careful with his work and do things properly and do them well he thanked his father for his faithfulness to his marriage vows he never had known of his father to be looking at another woman or for his father to even wander he is learned from his father the importance of money the value of money how to become hard it was to earn money he learned from his father how to work hard and integrity honesty when his mother read a letter to his father this father was ailing his father a grown man would never shown any emotions whatsoever just broke down and wept the flooring he was different were talking about this husband from that day forth in the time that he sent the letter to his father he got feedback from his mother about the responses father from that day forward he was different he was humble he was gentle to this day he has the countenance of an angel he has taken on a leadership role and he has set many of our groups with us helping us out from an intense angry man and the changes in just incredible to remember husband number two this is the one where he would rage she was established the teacher but he would trash his home in fits of anger defend so never thought anything in marriage should be discussed publicly but he still teaches a Sabbath school class and now the emphasis is on repentance and dying to self on what Christ has done for you and me that her only hope is in Christ and that his death on the cross is our death to sell in his life are very happy he finally agreed with Scripture that he was wretched miserable poor blind and naked he has become humble and unexpected benefit has been that his wife no longer suffers the incapacitating symptoms of fibromyalgia he was previously in hiding now he is very transparent about how readily he was living in the flesh and the importance of living in the Spirit by identifying with Christ he claimed Christ death as his own death to self he's a friend he's a transform man member of the husband number three was the physician and his wife who traveled several hours and then he was irritable critical unhappy demeaning grumpy sour exacting when he began to take personal responsibility for his words thoughts actions attitudes and motives he began to agree with Christ that he was underestimating his impact as leader on his homes on his home by his bad attitudes he allowed his wife to be his helper accepting her pointed insight and allowing God to do a supernatural work on his heart this meant spending time daily in Scripture he realized he could not do it in his own strength we recently saw them a camp meeting tears came to his eyes when he learned that his daughter had made a very insightful remark to her newlywed pastor husband the daughter 's husband was wondering if this program but too much blame on the husband but too much blame on the husband she made a comment to him you have to admit that change in my parents marriage is nothing short of a miracle and as we sure that he should never share that with her father he just teared up he's a changed man what happened to the pastoral couples whose husbands of those whose husband leadership was so self-righteous whose wife did not want to return home with him after listening to the classes for some time he became convicted strongly that he not letting his wife is helper he was fighting the Holy Spirit he was struck by the fact that even he was wretched miserable poor blind and naked the blinders came off and he had a deeply repentant attitude toward his wife he realized he is not understood her heart at all he began to allow her to be his helper is God what happened is attitude as a learner became profound she blossomed by taking her counsel she helped him by the power of the Holy Spirit to see itself alive where he had not seen it before they have become a team and as a result of death to self has been able to help many others I'm going to read you a testimony from another group member this was tight he he typed this out about four years ago and I think you'll enjoy it I had been enjoying what many have called the blessed life I was married had two healthy children a boy and a girl and successful business everything appeared to be going just great suddenly cracks began to develop in my seemingly peaceful existence at work a discontented employee had been convincing convincing the other employees that if he were in charge things would be a lot better he spoke of a four-day work week more pay better benefits improved working conditions and more vacation the fact that he didn't explain just how he was going to accomplish all this didn't seem to affect his impact on the other employees I want in one day to what I felt was a mutiny in the rain I suddenly found myself in a situation that I had not foreseen and didn't really know how to handle properly at about the same time a similar event was occurring in my home without me being aware that anyone that anything was significantly different than usual my wife began to explain to me that if things didn't change in our relationship she felt she couldn't stay in the relationship with me any longer this came as an amazing shot to me so that was faced with situations both at work and at home that I had failed to be aware of and was not equipped to deal with with hindsight in hindsight these events represent to me God 's faithfulness however at that time it just looked like everything was falling apart I didn't realize that I was actually taking the first steps on a journey that would give me the answer to my questions and answers to some much more like many wise before her mind suggested that we see a counselor I didn't have much faith in marriage counselors but she insisted so I agreed after a couple of visits we both agreed that we were not finding the solutions that we were looking for however one pivotal event in place the counselor suggested I read a book by Ken McNair entitled discovering the mind of a woman I didn't have much confidence in books about marriage either but I agreed to purchase one you might be surprised by my lack of confidence and marriage counselors in books about marriage this family from not knowing any marriage they had significantly improved from counseling or books in fact my wife and I both found it difficult to identify any marriage we knew of personally that clearly represented to us God 's plan for marriage we believe there is a marriage is supposed to hold to model the relationship between Christ and his bride at church in nineteen eighty six I was a single man serving in a large international missionary organization when word got around the center that I was engaged to be married a group of married Christian men serving as full-time missionaries gathered around me to offer their advice one man spoke up and said no reason you should be happy none of us are the stable was followed by a lot of hearty laughter on the part of the experience of married men was this God 's plan for marriage little did I know that Ginsberg was not going only going to change my idea of marriage in my opinion of books about marriage and marriage counselors and that it was ultimately going to significantly change my understanding of what it means to be a Christian man husband and a father like many married men I blamed my wife for most of the problems in our relationship I thought that if she would just get your act together everything would work itself out after all I considered myself a pretty good husband I had been a good provider and physically faithful logically I concluded that since I was doing a pretty good job the problem was lying with her despite my mindset I began to read Ken's book but not really expecting to learn much I couldn't have been more wrong than the very first chapter can begin to lay out an explanation of why I is the spiritual head of my household was responsible for Dana went on in my home therefore any problem in my home was evidence that I was failing to provide the kind of godly leadership that was needed from the very first sentences I began to realize that I the problem and not my wife and I was failing in the role as spiritual leader in my home and it goes on he says let's return for a moment to the large group of Christian men from diverse denominational backgrounds I spoke of before if you were to ask them if they really understood otherwise what do you think the response would be most likely would be met with universal male belief that it is impossible for men to understand women yet the Scripture commands me as a husband to live with my wife in an understanding way if I wanted to be obedient to God I was going to have to learn how to genuinely understand my wife and he went to the seminar he went to the three-year groups I spent a lot of time on learning destructive behavior that first year the process of learning to have the attitude of Christ in my home for me started now with bringing healing to my family but with putting an end to destructive behavior the most obvious need for change in my life is the need to stop conveying critical or condemning attitudes that I could be critical or condemning in my attitude was something I was not even aware of in this shot the women that their husbands could be doing things on Christlike that they were not even aware of what I needed to learn was that critical and condemning attitudes can be conveyed both with verbal and nonverbal communication it was amazing to me that as I became aware of how I could condemn or criticize up my words how often I caught myself doing so and he learned how to communicate properly verbal we nonverbally he said by helping me to see my own needs before God my critical attitude toward others is fading away is becoming becoming much easier to extend grace and mercy toward others as I recognize my own desperate need for the Savior he was for three years he led one of our groups is a leader Galatians two verse twenty tells us I am crucified with Christ nevertheless I live yet not I but Christ live in the in the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the son of God who loved me and gave himself for me this means that I live by the faith of the son of God the faith of Jesus how is that accomplished it is done by identification with Christ Philippians chapter two verses five through eight tells us that this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus who being in the form of God thought it not robbery to be equal with God but made himself of no reputation and took upon him the form of a servant and was made in the likeness of men and being found in fashion as a man he humbled himself and became obedient unto death even the death of the cross this is the identification that were talking about with Christ I let this mind be in you which is also in Christ Jesus to have the mind of Christ review and Herald July seven nineteen oh four as a whole chapter hold article on genuine conversion she says men cannot transform himself by the exercise of his will we can't exercise or will it transform ourselves he possesses no power by which this change may be affected the renewing energy must come from God the change to be made only by the Holy Spirit he would be saved high or low rich or poor must submit to the working of this power that can only be made by the Holy Spirit we can't do it by willing it and then in that same in that same article on the conversion she goes on as eleven when mingled with the meal works from within outward so it is by the renewing of the heart that the grace of God works to transform the life no mere external changes sufficient to bring us into harmony with God there are many who try to reform by correcting this bad habit or that had happened and they hope in this way to become Christians but they are beginning in the wrong place our first work is where the heart and this is what we've been talking about is a heart work eleven of truth works secretly silently steadily to transform the soul the natural inclinations are softened and subdued new thoughts and feelings new motives are implanted a new standard character is set up the life of Christ the mind is changed the faculties are aroused to action in new lines man is not endowed with new faculties but the factories he has are sanctified the conscience is awakened and seven Bible commentary nine fifty ninety nine sixty it describes a very important dimension we haven't you don't have much time to really delve into it that she describes here after she has gone in and quoted remember therefore how thou hast received and heard and hold fast and repent as she describes what that means to hold fast and then she has Henry Panton I'd encourage you to look that up in seven Bible commentary nine fifty nine nine sixty this is the part that I want especially for us to contemplate sins and repent the life we live is to be one of continual continual repentance and humility not occasional not repentance once in a while but continual repentance and humility we need to repent constantly that we may be constantly victorious when we have true humility we have victory the enemy never can take out of the hand of Christ the one who is simply trusting in his promises if the soul is trusting and working obediently the mind is susceptible to divine impressions and the light of God shines in enlightening the understanding what privileges we had in Christ Jesus so what was the key that she said that we have to having constant victory the key she says is that our life is to be one of continual repentance and humility we need to repent constantly repent constantly that we may be constantly victorious and desire pages six sixty four it said that the disciples believed this vital connection between the father and the son their faith would not forsake them when they saw Christ suffering and death to escape the city perishing world class was seeking to leave them from their low condition of faith could express they might receive if they really truly realize what he was God in human flesh he decided to see that their faithless lead up to God and be anchored there are earnestly and perseveringly our compassionate Savior sought to prepare his disciples for the storm of temptation that was soon to be upon them he would haven't had with him in God but I want to close with this last paragraph from this continually pensions again as we see sold-out of Christ were put ourselves in their place we have to feel repentance before God resting not until we bring them to repentance if we do everything we can for them and yet they do not repent of sin lies at their door but we are still to feel sorrow of heart because of their condition showing them how to repent and try to lead them step-by-step to Jesus Christ is close with prayer their father thank you so much for the privilege would have to be here gourmet we identify some ruling with Christ and we may have his thoughts his meaning is a mirror in here with my aunt ever or a lot out of this agreement learn more and I live a thought and I is the word our minds are as www. outmaneuver .org

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