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Logo of 2016 Michigan Camp Meeting: The Harvest is Great

The Two Shall Become One- Part 1

Darryl Bentley

Recorded

  • June 12, 2016
    9:30 AM
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Loving Father Lord you said that it was not good that man should be alone and Adam as he was naming all the animals he looked around and he did not find someone equal or suitable for himself. And Lord when he came to that realisation you answered that desire in his heart. You put him in a deep sleep he took one of his ribs in you formed woman. For you presented her to him and thus was begin the first marriage relationship so far the we understand that this is something that has come from your hand this is not something the world has devised or could have even come up with this is from you it's a special gift it's a gift which society has grossly perverted. And Father I just pray that through this brief time together that someone here might be blessed with a deeper understanding of what it means to be in a Godly relationship and so Father I thank you for this time and we asked this in Jesus' name and I want to start out by asking you a question I like to ask questions and because I've discovered that you actually learn a lot by asking questions right and I've even heard people say there's no such thing as a stupid question there actually is people just tell you that to get you to ask questions so I like to ask thoughtful questions all right I mean if Let me give you an example of a stupid question I go into a pizza place and I order a burrito cannot order and that's a stupid request or you're in a Pizza is that what I'm saying and so this is there's no such thing as a there is OK so we want to ask intelligent questions and so hopefully this is an intelligent question what is the difference between dating in courting help me out it's not rhetorical and please remember I get paid by the month so I can stand here all day. Paid by the month in that beautiful talk to me is this OK So intentionality could be a component of the differentiates dating in courting OK. With the purpose of marriage OK So there's a OK OK So you guys are going to run a couple of Roman mikes here yes. And you want to do it OK You know they are recording these four. For accountability conference reviews these to see if I have my job after we're done all right so the first person that he answered who was the first person young lady back here in peak so the question was What is the difference between dating and courting I think courting is more intentional in your purpose to get to know the person for a long term relationship OK. All right so that intentionality is a differentiation and then the young lady up here she had a comment as well just just orientation minds their direction on why it's so you have to hold them this way not like this so if you hold it in your belly all we're going to hear is gargling And so right here. OK So what do you think is the difference I had friends and their parents only that the court and in that situation they were only allowed to go out in groups they were never allowed to be with their intended person and so those were some aspects of their of their parameters and you're never alone with the opposite sex it was always only. Groups OK or so what is the difference at around so what's the difference between that and dating though in dating sometimes you are alone with OK intended person but I think in both situations you. And I think in the Adventist world or even Christian I think. We try to have the intention of dating I don't think we should be just I think to be an intention but there's a goal in the end there should be OK other thoughts and the other thoughts this is good this is good you guys are bringing some good stuff to the table I want to give you a few definitions and this one from Wikipedia. And so what I'm going to try to show you also this is with a P.D. and you know as you know anything about Wikipedia if you log in you can edit it with a P.D.F. OK So this is this is crowd sourced editing OK but it's based on that stage of human mating the movie human mating process whereby two people meet socially possibly as friends or possibly with the aim of each assessing the other suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or marriage it can be a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by the couple not too bad so far right OK Google's online definition for courting of to define courting as a behavior designed to persuade someone to marry or develop a romantic relationship with one OK. Listen I had to persuade ginger and it worked. Listen don't knock it until you try it anyway. But I want you to see there's a dictionary source that I took these from I'm not going to tell you the name of it because there's a lot of garbage there but I want you to see what some of the modern thoughts are on dating OK And I want you to understand and this is probably good for the parents that are here to recognize I'm going to be sharing some things within these two seminars that are beneath the surface a little bit you understand what I'm saying we're not just going to come along and scratch the surface we're going to be talking about sex a little bit and those kind of things and I know it freaks people out to talk to a pastor about sexual things so I'm not going to try to freak you out but I am going to try to be real with you a little bit OK And so some of the definitions own here they don't contain any rude or anything like that and we're not going to get graphic that's not my intention and just last two All right so notice this. Some have said that dating is a socially acceptable form of prostitution. Others have said that it's a form of prostitution in which sex is paid for in installments rather than that one all at once. Know what's behind that the idea is well my ultimate goal is to have a sexual experience and so instead I'm doing that by taking her out to dinner buying flowers you understand that's that's the fault press that is behind this it's not because I'm trying to make you feel special with these gifts really to me these are just installments and getting where I ultimately want to end up are you following the other one. This one's a little bit wordy but it's the modern day battlefield of romance this is what dating is where hearts are won and broken it's the not quite so version of chivalry and wooing It's an interview for a lover that's really what dating is for this person they the lay down some time and money and see if you get some candy routine do you see the twisted mentality and how something that God intended to be pure and sacred and holy in vast majority has been twisted. It's the progress of the game of cat and mouse the human courtship ritual which I would disagree with publicly and playing baseball for a homerun. So I want you to I want to encourage you to get away from the term dating OK And here's the reason why because most people outside of Christian circles nonno and my sister answered up here she was prefacing her comments in the context of Christian Adventist and even just Christian dating OK but I want you to understand as you're talking in general terms to much of society dating is simply viewed as a way to find my next sexual partner and let me ask you Do you think God ever intended that for us absolutely not it's so it's a perverse it's a perverted it's an adulterated version of what. Not actually intended so I don't use the term dating when I'm talking to my kids I don't use the term dating when I'm talking to my young people at the churches that I've had the privilege to serve OK I've got I've gotten away from that as my understanding has changed and so we're going to stick more with this behavior designed to persuade someone to marry or develop a romantic relationship with one of the and that's kind of generic but then we're going to put some Christian principles around that we're going to try to frame that according to God's principles OK but let's ask the question how should Christians approach courtship and so if courtship is this behavior that's designed to persuade someone and them a man here he doesn't like the word persuade he thought that was funny but if it's if it's designed let's stick with the latter half of the definition OK at least if it's two if it's a behavior is designed to marry or develop a romantic relationship with someone how should we as Christians approach that well I'm going to give you some guidelines and I'm going to say this to you know courtship should begin without prayer somebody should have said amen God does have to be first and we're going to talk about that and so as a Christian you know remember I'm not framing this in the context of Joe Blow down the street or in any in a neighborhood U.S.A. I'm saying as a Christian we should not even consider beginning any type of courtship of valuation unless we have first prayed about it and asked the Lord what do you want for my life OK So he has to start there. Now here's another big one. No courtship should begin in two you are emotionally mature enough to handle our relationship and make decisions based on principles instead of feelings. And friends that's a tall order because how many of us and again I'm not here to I'm not trying to pick on teenagers but how many of us when we became teenagers thought that I've got the world by the town I've got this thing figured out you know I have an understanding you know a voice is changed you know and so somehow we get it in our heads that that equates to emotional maturity know what is emotional maturity emotional maturity is exactly what the latter part of the statement says it's the ability to make decisions based on principles instead of feelings there was a guy one morning there with his wife there just waking up for the day and he says to her honey I do not know what going to work today the people are all judge men on that I don't like my boss it's just I mean is just a real drag. What do you think I should do and. She rolled over and looked at him so well you are the pastor so you probably should get up and go to church. Was he basing his decision on principle or feeling and feelings now that's a messed up as terrific feels that way right you know to someone to pick on pastors first OK that way it gives me license to pick on you all right you're welcome my pleasure actually. But emotional maturity and some of us you know we may ask the question how do I know if I have emotional maturity ask somebody who loves you enough to tell you the truth seriously ask somebody who loves you enough to tell you the truth and a friend that just pats you on the back and gets all. Stupid with you when you're making your decisions is not a true friend that's just somebody who's going through whatever stage in life you happen to be in a true friend looks at you and says you know what I love you but that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of anybody saying that they're going to do. Pastor Corey and I have that type of relationship. And I'm not going to tell you how often we have to tell each other that but I'm going to tell you it is invaluable in your life having somebody that cares enough to tell you the truth you have to find someone I believe before you truly should even think about getting into a courtship relationship find someone in your life that can be a spiritual mentor to you and this should be someone again who loves you enough to do what to tell you the truth and not merely a cheerleader because we can all find cheerleaders you know rah rah you know yeah yeah OK that works just fine until you find yourself in an emotionally crushed heap because somebody didn't love you enough and here's the thing emotional maturity is not just you know making decisions on principle rather than feeling it's having the good sense to listen to good counsel when it comes your way and I want to tell your friends that is hard because I mean we want what we want when we want it don't we and we are the Text generation drive through give it to me now generation I don't want to wait and so it's kind of hard sometimes to put the brakes on and say you know want maybe out of think this through a little differently OK but I believe these are some of the first starting points prayer emotional maturity and having a good mentor in relationship in your life and that could be a family member it could be a pastor it could be a parent you've got to figure out who that is for you who you can connect with those continue on here I want to talk to you about some of the stages of courtship OK And Pastor Corey help me stay on time Pastor Steve help me stay on track with the time OK pre-court ship now I'm going to break this down somewhat clinically going to break this down but please know these things actually happen very naturally as you think about the process OK And so we're going to present it in somewhat clinical terms maybe a little bit but I've tried to make it is practical and as lay appropriate as possible and so pre-court shit what does that look line. I may show you what a clicker looks like bouncing off the back wall. Plastic or you guys are going to help me here pretty courtship it's going group day it's and again I'm using that term loosely OK but in a group setting we understand what we're talking about right group outings to know the other person or work with them in some meaningful innocuous way what does innocuous mean. Harmless. And knock us means that it's harmless In other words you're not doing something that's risque you're not doing something that you shouldn't be doing if you have something that's innocuous It's like thinking and talking about inert gas inert gas doesn't have any bearing on it's just kind of there OK so innocuous work or some sort of group setting where you can just get to know people and want to tell you another little tip to. If you have somebody that you think you might be interested then see how they talk to their family. See how they treat their family members because guess what when they know you as well as they know their family guess how they're going to talk to you the same way they talk to their family members and so if you ladies. Are interested in the guy and he's mouthing to his mother. Red flags. OK red flags if he's disrespectful to his mother if he's disrespectful to his siblings of his does and you know some of these things we have to kind of take in in a relative sense kids fight right and if you live with people I mean I don't I can I can remember more times that we were fighting than weren't fighting when we were kids just the way we grew up another thing well you boys are getting zealous there pre-court ship this allows development of deeper feelings if you can observe someone in a group setting and you can observe them from a distance you're not getting yourself emotionally tied to them and you can kind of observe all that was interesting oh wow that was a that was a kind thing that they did well that was neat how they did that without being asked they seem to have a heart of service or or wow and they really speak ugly to people and they really put down that waiter or that waitress while they were that was really that was harsh so some of these things we need to look out for. We need this development in this group setting to help discern the will of God before committing to each other more formally and I'm telling you their safety their safety their safety their safety in those groups that ends in fact I want to share a principle with you this sounds kind of corny but I'm a share it with you in just a second I think you'll appreciate it but notice this after you've spent some time in this group setting you know getting to know people OK and somebody starts to stand in that some burrow was really cool she took a lot of guts to wear that some very you know and some member of the way she's kind of cute you know and so you can we start having all these thoughts right and now I'd like to get to know her better and again I'm going to tell you more of our story and my testimony but if that attraction is sensed both of you should do what what does this say both of you should rush to get each other small number and set up your first private meeting. What's the first thing you should do back off put the brakes on now is that not counter intuitive to what society teaches us Society says well no don't put the brakes on the gas them right let's go. For the Christian you need to back off that's the time to kind of step back and do a couple of things. What did we come back to. What did I tell you to start out with before you entered even think about a court ship relationship prayer OK Lord and Ginger is pretty cute but I think I would like to get to know Ginger better. Who would what would you have me do she seems kind. She's pays attention in class that I mentioned Lord she's cute. Physical attractions OK but you're going to find out that's not not everything but pray and talk to the Lord about it and guys are going to tell you a prayer is not just thrown at you wish list to God the one of the biggest parts of prayer is listening. Put it out there say Lord here's where my heart is here's where I start I'm starting to feel this attraction this draw but Lord what do you want words show me what you want receive counsel. From your spiritual mentors ask somebody else. And in friends I want to tell you pick somebody who can keep their mouth shut. Don't don't don't talk to people that your business I mean it's going to telephone telegraph tell whoever OK you don't want that type of person pick somebody who understands what confidentiality is and it is going to trust the value of of your trust you know they're going to value your trust with them is what I'm trying to say but bounce it off of them say hey you know I'm really thinking that I may well be attracted to Ginger may want to get to know her better you know you've observed her here's what I've told you what do you think I've been praying about it get that counsel what does the Bible teach us about counsellors there is wisdom in a multitude of counsellors ask people and ask people who have the same Christian values that you have again don't ask the cheerleaders because that give me a Jew you know they're just they're just going to say go for it right ask people who have your spiritual values. And then what was this part. Wait to hear from God before moving forward remember the story of Jacob. And Jacob the name and one who grabs by the hill right became synonymous with the deceiver because of what he did to Esau but eventually Jacob had a conversion experience with god yes or no and eventually Jacob came to the place where he said you know what I'm not moving the Lord until you show me where I should go. And that's how that developed I'm telling you you will thank yourself you will thank the Lord that you took your time and when I tell you anybody that really worth having. They're worth waiting on. Because if you ask how many people have rushed into relationships to marriages to other things and they said man I wished I had just taken a little more time to back off a little bit and I'm going to tell you if you're communicating this kind of stuff with your friends and if you talk about these types of principles with your friends your friends are going to know your values right and so it's not going to same kind of weird OK I'm I'm attracted to gender. And then I back off. What you know then it becomes mind games right well are they are they planned plan with me or are they trying to pull me in and then you know dangle something before me or what are they doing but if you share your principles with your group of friends and they adopt those principles all of your going to be on the same page and you're not going to get pressure from your friends are you tracking with me guys does that make sense to you so sharing those principles with your friends so this pre-court ship Let's continue the attraction should never be just based on one. Physical attributes Now here's where I get into a little bit of trouble with my wife you've got to look at this person the rest of your life. OK so I am not going to discount. It's the truth and listen guys listen ladies one day you're going to wake up beside somebody and their hair's not going to be through. Their hair going to be sticking out like six ways from Friday. Their breaths not going to smell minty fresh. They're going to breath smell like they just ate the garbage disposal they're going to make weird noises are you following me so you've got all of this humanity that plays into this equation and so physical attraction is a part of it OK so I'm not discounting that but I'm going to tell you physical attraction is not everything OK And and it is never truer than in relationships the phrase beauty is in the eye of the beholder OK what's beautiful to you what's beautiful to someone else may not necessarily you know it may not necessarily be the same thing so that if that attraction is there for you who then that's between you and them that's between you and the Lord OK but it can't be just based on physical attributes. But I want you to see this part. However to marry someone we are not attracted to because they are spiritually strong is a wide. Spiritual Strength is that a quality we should desire as a Christian yes if you have someone spiritually strong that you can't stand to look at is that going to benefit your spiritual relationship and. Here comes the you know the pious ugly mug again. Tell you people say cruel things. People say cruel things and eventually if you have some that you can't stand to be around because of other characteristics it's not going to matter how spiritual how pious how committed to Christ they are all of these things have to play together OK let's look a little further likewise that is a mistake to marry someone because of physical attributes and personality but who has no spiritual life oh this person might be the life of the party this person might be handsome they might be beautiful but then you can't get them to go to church you can't get them to participate in spiritual events and then your heart is pulling towards that and all of a sudden and I cannot tell you how many times I see this in pastoral ministry you've got one person who is you know they they they want to be involved they want to give all of the Lord and then you've got somebody over here says I Why you have to church all the time you've got another meeting. I've heard it I heard it more times than I can remember OK so you've got to have somebody not just that you can look at but that is your spiritual equal or at least on the same journey with you are you following me it just creates a lot of hardship. But I'm going to suggest to you that we should find attraction in four major areas OK. Physical when we think of attraction that's where most of us I would say ninety nine percent of the people that's where your mind goes I'm attracted to that person translation I think they're beautiful I think they're handsome I think they're hot blah blah blah whatever but I would suggest to you attraction actually manifests in four major areas physical OK it's there you've got to look at this person the rest of your life pick somebody you can look at OK emotionally if your emotional maturity is here. And you marry someone whose emotional maturity is down here guess what you just became. Their parent. You just became their parent because guess who is going to have to deal with all their temper tantrums. Guess who's going to have to deal with them when they Jerry Springer right now in the middle of whatever and they start losing their mind you are and you're going to sit there and you're going to think why are you acting like this it's because emotionally they haven't matured past a certain point and how does that happen well it happens a lot of times through our parenting. We have to be careful not to just always be the emotional crutch for our kids we've got to let them take some hits right you're there to support them you don't kick them to the curb but you also. I mean my kids learned very quickly do not. Stand in the store and beg me for every little silly thing that the marketing team thought should be at your knee level it's not happening and God help you if you lose your mind and fall on the floor and start screaming. Because I will give you a reason to scream in about three seconds and I don't believe in child abuse but the Bible teaches very clearly used Well we say Spare the rod spoil the child you know what the verse actually says he who spares the rod hates his child and it's actually worse than just spoiling them now I'm not promoting child abuse but sometimes listen I made a scientific discovery. There are receptor sites that run from the ear to the brain and they are like clogged over broken down pathways and many times information does not travel from here to here but there are receptor so that run from here. To the brain that are like a six lane interstate highway. And sometimes a little traffic on that interstate it brings clarity to everybody's lives. That's almost say about that because this isn't a parenting seminar. But you need to pick someone as a lot of partner who has emotional maturity or else you will become their what their parent. Intellectually you want somebody that can relate to you. If you find joy. Reading dictionaries stay with me stay with me if you find joy reading dictionaries. You better find some money. Who doesn't mind reading dictionaries. Right if you don't like reading it might be a little difficult right and I'm you know we have different tastes but find someone who can relate to you intellectually right because otherwise it will be a challenge to you and here's what will happen if you don't have someone to whom you can relate on an intellectual level you will actually find those relationships elsewhere. And you may find a relationship that takes you off on a tangent in a direction you shouldn't go. OK so there needs to be at least some level of intellectual compatibility Now I want to say this your spouse doesn't necessarily feel every need in your lie OK Sometimes you have different friends that fill that need but you've got to be careful who those friends are OK if let's say for instance just pick on myself what do I want to tell you about myself. How far do I want to pull back the curtain is it safe will they think less of me. When I lose my ministry. And the but let's say as far as hobbies OK I like flying model R.C. planes. Those are just really cool I've always wanted to fly I always wanted to be a pilot and. My wife loves that I love to do that. But how many times do you think she wants to go flying with me. Probably not often oh honey that look at this new plane I built all that's nice sunny. And so I may have to find some buddies to connect with to do that you know what I'm saying and so just realize not everything you enjoy your spouse has to be your equal in that or love it with you OK but there needs to be some mental intellectual connection so that when you talk about your day and you articulate what you're going through there are nuts that they're drilling out of one side of their head wondering what are you talking about you want some oh OK that makes sense I understand what all we have to understand what you're saying about that OK and some of that is growth you grow together in that in your understanding OK spiritually I saved this for last not because it's the least but because Jesus saved the best for last right in what in story of Cain and there and there the bridegroom was credited Jesus did the miracle OK spiritually I cannot tell you how important it is to be equally yoked to be on the same page spiritually and what does that mean well. It means somebody who loves Jesus Christ first and foremost and we're going to talk more about that in part two as we break down the pathway to marriage but I want you to understand if you have somebody who is not in arrested in Jesus. Please look the other way. Please do yourself a favor because here's what I like to ask people. Is that person that you're considering dating or courting or marrying is that person worth losing eternity for. No one should be worth that right and I really appreciated what Dr some on had to share with us on Sabbath. That if you don't fall upon the rock eventually the rocks going to fall upon you so isn't it better to find someone who wants to be broken on the rock of Jesus Christ who wants him as their personal Savior who wants to advance the truth of the three main jewels messages and that's what you want your heart to be connected to so if you look at this so now notice notice the multifaceted approach now to attraction was physical a part of it yes or no yes physical was a part of it is that the only part known on this breakdown it's only twenty five percent and it may be even less depending on how your sliders go right you may say well that physical attraction to me that's two percent OK but there are better days to be at least some physical attraction there you need someone who's not an emotional child that you have to become their parent let them marry another emotional midget OK. It's compatibility right listen I'm not trying to be harsh I'm just trying to be real with you if you've got somebody that's an emotional midget so to speak and they don't want to grow up emotionally let them marry somebody else who's going around in those circles but if you have matured and you want to have principled to base the decisions find someone else who's interested in principle based decisions does that make sense. Intellectually we've covered that spirit and I want to come back I want to drive that nail a little deeper you've got to have someone who is in love with Jesus or they're going to pull you away and if they don't pull you away at the very least it's going to make your experience with Christ more difficult because when you want to go get involved with something the church oh you're going to another meeting why are you always I had a lady one time and one of the churches that I serve her husband allowed her to go to one church meeting a week. And most of the time that was Sabbath but if there was something else really and special that she wanted to go to she would go to that man couldn't come on Sabbath because he wouldn't let her spend the money on gas you don't understand if you've not seen people fight over spiritual things then you can't understand what I'm telling you but I pray that you'll trust me a little bit because I've I've witnessed it firsthand Let's keep moving. Oh mercy. Now we're into the courtship phase once a man and a woman what does that sound the screen once a who. Wants A who. A man and a woman and friends I'm not in here to get into the whole L G B T Q two you are whatever because it's all it's actually more than L G B T There's a whole list of acronyms there are you know letters there I'm not here to debate that OK I am working off of the promise that God created Adam took a rib from his side created Eve brought them together and a man shall leave his mother and his father show cleave unto his wife and they shall become one flesh that's the premise that I'm working from OK if you have other thoughts and deal with that I can talk to you offline but just know that's the promise I'm working from in this presentation but once a man and a woman have confirmed God's will for them to be together they can officially began spending more time together in an intentional way now notice the words that have come out when I asked earlier the difference between dating and courtship wasn't intentionality one of the words that came out so now we're seeing that come full circle OK now you can be more intentional but it doesn't mean the guidelines and the safeguards go away both should understand that officially courting someone should never happen if there is no desire to eventually marry that person if you don't have marriage as your end goal just stay hanging out with your friends don't go down the courtship road OK And I'll tell you that I want to get into some statistics about cohabitation But I want to save that for tomorrow but I want you to know. What most of society has showed us today that courtship dating is all about as well as shack up together and let's see how it goes I'm going to share some shocking statistics with you and it's official research it's not just well I think that's a bad idea I'm going to show you some statistical research tomorrow that shows you just how marriages fail and how people set themselves up for failure by living together OK I'll show you that tomorrow. Strict guidelines need to be established for what's that word in bold not having physical contact and I want to be a little strict here girls you don't need to be hugging guys and I want you to understand what I'm saying that ladies there is a portion of your body that is the accentuated. On the front part of your body don't need to be any more explicit. OK And so when you hug and press in together that can stir up feelings that should not be stirred up at that time. And that's why. Even gentleman that we that are married we should be careful how we give hugs of fellowship and Christian greeting it shouldn't be these full chest and braces and holding each other you know it needs to be the hug. That I know some people make fun of it and I so you're corny I'll tell you what I'd rather be corny than last. Year to be corny than stir up sexual appetite that should not be stirred and so you know little side hug you know the one arm side you know might could be appropriate but I'm going to say if you have that interest and there's something growing there just just leave off the physical contact you know high five each other or something you know all right sweetheart. I mean I'm creative. Be creative but but standing and holding and hugging each other and sitting in holding hands I'm telling you now pastor that's a knock us that's innocent you would be amazed Ladies I want to speak to you directly you would be amazed how little. How little it takes. For a man to experience sexual arousal. I mean I'm not trying to be off color I'm not trying to be crass I'm not trying to be rude but I'm telling you you don't understand how little it takes. And some ladies are the same way but guys are especially susceptible to it just because of our physiology in fact I'll say this to you and I see little when someone try to be careful as I can when young man are experiencing puberty sometimes there are responses that happen in their body. Without any stimulation and so touching so if so if that can happen with nothing happening imagine how easy it is to trip that trigger so to speak with touching with full frontal in braces we have to have some strict guidelines and this is something that if you're a person that you're in arrested in they thought I would that's just you're just you're just being overly cautious. Red flag just went straight up the pole. Back off. If they're not willing to respect that if they look at you and say you're not worth waiting to hold your hand you're not worth waiting for to touch you're not worth waiting for to hug then they don't deserve you. These guidelines should include not being alone where you can fall into sin. And it's so EASY so EASY so EASY be careful in fact. I think that you need to follow the banana rule. Now doesn't that just and corny. But the banana rule in OK What is that I'm tell you but the banana rule will save a lot of heartache and regret so what is the banana rule for courtship their safety and stay in with the bunch how many folk have you ever seen in a bunch of bananas at the same time nobody pill six banana and. You're weird if you even have a disco call you out of your in a bunch of I mean you came physically do it right when does the banana get in trouble when its build from the bunch right it's broken away from the bunch and then it gets pilled so I know it sounds corny but listen call it whatever you want to call it you know but for me it makes sense if I stay in the bunch there's safety it's when it's separated Can you at least agree with it and know he's messing with me. I like this guy's sense of humor. Safety in staying with the bunch. All right let's keep moving here engagement I want to hit in Gage moment and we're going to put these on the screen because we're getting short on time but I want to hit them as a relationship develops guys pay attention this is especially for you please. The man should take the step to seek permission from his lady's father parent or guardian before he asked searching marry him go talk to someone before you pop the question when you've gotten that far in your court before you pop the question have have the decency have the respect be be a little old fashion go sit down and talk to somebody and say you know I'd like to marry your daughter. And like your blessing How do you how would you feel about that how how could I have your blessing and it maybe maybe you don't have a dad maybe it's your mom whoever that key person is in your life that would be the go to person that's who they need to be talking to once the blessin of marriage is secured the proposal should be made in a meaningful and creative way guys knock her socks off. I mean come up with something really creative mine was lame but I think it worked we were making pizza and somehow in the midst of the. Sauce and the cheese. Was born alone. And as we stared into each other's eyes. As a ginger would you marry me. And she swooned and just melted and she accepted my proposal. And thus brought together the two loves of my life pizza and ginger. I'm still wearing some pizza from years gone by and prison where I still have gender. But be creative guys I hear all time you know I'll do premarital counseling with different couples and before I even start the counseling the first thing I ask them is tell me how you came together tell me about your court and I want to know how you asked the question I'm looking for ideas in a case I need to counsel folk you know here all kind of cool things this this one couple that I just recently started doing some counseling with premarital counseling they were tell me their story and he used a geo caching kind of thing he was like and she wasn't really into it and he's I'll just go geocaching with me do you know what geocaching is it's where you take a coordinate a cordon it on a G.P.S. and you go to these coordinates and people hide little treasures and there's websites dedicated to geo caching right and so you go and you find the little thing that they hit at those coordinates Well he's walking with this G.P.S. and he had you know hidden a little surprise you know to pop the question and everything and they're following the coordinates and he's like Well I think it's over there so if you can find it then you know she goes and gets it and when she when she opened it up. Part of his thing fell apart and so it kind of went bad on him but it was a great idea you know and she was just so thrilled that he went to all that trouble to ask her to marry him and it was just real sweet real precious so get creative with that. Lotus part see here after the engagement is official arrangements and should be a comma there sorry arrangement should be made to get both families together so they can get to know each other better because I want to tell you something you may not believe this but you're not marrying marrying just a person you're marrying a family. He's marrying a family we'll talk more about that one tomorrow but you are marrying a family and it's good to get those families together if you can and just have a you know engagement celebration you know so we want to celebrate our engagement more inviting our families together have a little engagement party that's a good thing to start letting the families mingle figure out who each other are it's a good thing now. Part D. here. Take a premarital inventory and it's a little more clinical terms or a marriage compatibility assessment. And you need to take them separately from your fiance. Now these are things these are tools that are available online and if you do a search for marriage compatibility to store premarital inventory assessments you can find different tools online and usually a hundred and fifty two hundred questions the good ones and you will be amazed at what they reveal. By basically assessing both of your personalities and telling you how compatible you are based on emotional maturity and notice this. Inventory your compatibility test should be taken before a wedding date is set. Why because nearly twenty percent of couples who do these tests realize they should not get married so think about that how many people do you think actually take one of these assessments. Very few. But out of those that do twenty percent roundabout realize you know what this person is actually going to drive me crazy. This person is not interested in the same things I am at all this person is not on the same level I am in any way. Would it not be better to end an engagement or a court ship instead of getting into a bad marriage and ended up with a broken relationship or a broken home it's much better find out on the front end but then after you've gone through that. It might even be good to wait to set that wedding date until you do your premarital counseling. Minute most of the time people come to me and they asked for the premarital counseling they've already set their date if I get to them beforehand if a young man comes to me and says Pastor I'm thinking about such and such I always tell them if you get engaged wait set in your date get to know each other better do some counseling together see how they react in the premarital counseling because when you do premarital counseling I give them homework. You go home you do your homework bring it back and we talk about it and we handle some very tough things I'm going to go over that with you and in brief tomorrow. But once the marriage inventory of the test is done both of you feel certain your compatible arrangements should be made to receive premarital counseling and that should be done with someone who has a successful marriage doesn't isn't that a no brainer. I'm going to go to this mechanic but he's never fixed anything well that was a good idea right you want to counsel with someone who has had a successful marriage and has led others in doing so OK if you go to someone who doesn't know how to be married themselves and they're not following biblical principles you're wasting your time. In fact you may be setting yourself up for failure. And here's a big point please get this. There should be no resistance to counseling from your fiance if you have a fiance this is you know what I'm not really interested in doing the whole premarital counseling thing shake their hand keep or take back your engagement gift and leave. I would say let him keep the gift consolation prize. They didn't get use of let him keep the gift crime just practical for me. But if they resist counseling what they're saying to you is I have life all figured out and I don't need anybody's help. Red flag because I'm going to tell you anybody who's experienced life at least a little bit one of the quickest things you learn is how much you don't know and someone to tell you if you're if you're one of these people thinks the ever nobody can tell you when you think you've got it all figured out good luck. Will just wait and see how it works out for you but the statistics are against you we're going to take the last few minutes here and then bring our broken mikes back and so will do a few questions here if you have any if you don't that's fine too but if you have some questions I'll be glad to try to answer any questions that you have based on what was presented today. Yes ma'am you're asking the question is she won't be here tomorrow is really where you can get the second part again goes back to my e-mail if you will send me an e-mail request I would be glad to send you the powerpoint or a P.D.F. of the printout of the slides or something so that in that's Pastor Bentley at G. Mail dot com Any other questions of either have either answered every possible question you could entertain or of confuse you so badly you don't know which to ask. I wonder which it is. OK young man back here. On the part treating the the opposite your parent like the guys how they treat the mom or the girls how they treat their dad is that always true as any exceptions there can be exceptions to that if there's a very dysfunctional relationship and especially in cases of abuse or a strange moment where there's issues that haven't been worked out so that's why I say that's not the that's not the lone indicator but that's a gauge when you're first starting to get to know people and if there's a messed up relationship with their parents see how they treat their other friends the concept that I'm trying to convey in that is saying look how they treat the people that they're closest to. For some people that's their mom and dad for others that's going to be there to their inner circle of friends or so-called friends if they treat them like trash and so the concept is watch how they they treat their closest people the closest people in their lives because it makes sense and sometimes it's not the parents you're right. And the other questions let me ask you this as you're as you may be getting some courage to ask one does this make sense does this does this sound reasonable at all or does this sound just totally out of left field to you. Sounds reasonable or want to encourage you if you if you'd like you know like a like I said a P.D.F. copy of this or something I'll be glad to e-mail it to you like I said Just shoot me a quick e-mail or drop me a text glad to share it with you because I certainly don't have the market cornered on knowledge and I want to share what I do know with anybody else OK. All right I'm not seeing in the other hand OK one more up here we've got a question here yes or if you're in the service. If you're in the service and you don't have a lot of having your hands how does the whole courtship they work if you like. If you're busy like for months on end. It takes longer you know the short answer is. People look people look for people look for reasons to short cut and I'm not saying that's why you're asking but I'm I'm prior military I was in the Army as a chaplain assistant spent twelve months in Iraq so I understand long distance relationships and how to how to function in that type of thing but I will say this I've seen soldiers make very foolish mistakes and there was there was a there was a guy actually in the unit that I deployed with to Iraq who rushed to get married because he was afraid that she would marry someone else while he was gone. Horrible reason and during the course of his deployment he never even took when you're on a twelve month deployment with the army they give you fifteen days to go home sometime during that twelve months his relationship became so strained with his wife he didn't even take the fifteen days to go home and so he stayed in theater for the entire twelve months and when he came back there was nobody waiting for him. At least as a spouse has his mom and dad came but she had decided to leave him so he was he was married less than three months before he deployed and then came back basically divorced. And so so I my and my counsel to service members you know armed forces. Take the time because here is one of the big questions if you can't find time to court if you can't find time to do the counseling then you're not going to find time to build a marriage. Does that make sense one builds upon the other and the other questions or comments before we close up you got one more OK. What's your thoughts on on line dating. Well. The only line dating sites first of all I think. I really push Adventist Marion Adventists you know I'm not at all apologize for that I'll talk more about that tomorrow but so I think I'd been a singles you know is probably if you're going to do that probably that and I've not looked at been a singles lately for any reason so we are. Not even for research purposes. But you know you just want to be careful because if there's a distance factor you know and I have a couple right now who's who's married and in the church that I'm currently serving and she was you know mid mid middle and he was on the west coast and so far it seems to be working they you know they got married and lived separately while he was waiting to retire you know relationships can be very complex but again I think you pull as much of these principles in as possible and still do your homework with people. And still be very careful and make sure that who they say they are own line is who they say they are. Because you can get a picture you can create any kind of profile I mean I could be Mr Universe Online. In realities like that dude. So you got to be careful. Anybody else. All right well why don't we close with a word of prayer and hope that this has been a blessing to you and beneficial and if you have any other questions you didn't want to ask publicly feel free to shoot me an email or talk to me offline I'll try to be helpful if I can spray. Loving Father. Lord relationships are so complex because we're complex we're not just simple robotic Ottoman talents. We are people with deep intellectual capacity deep emotional connections because we were created in your image and that's a wonderful thing and father we recognize sand. Has really messed up the way our circuits work sometimes our perceptions of what's good and what's what's pure what's holy gets maligned and so Father we need your help in figuring all this stuff out and then I know I can't fix every problem in just an hour presentation but I pray that something has been presented today that would cause someone to step back and reassess their relationships to do the right thing not make those mistakes that so many of us have made. And then I just ask that your blessing would be upon each one that's here that that's hearing this material that they would take something to heart that can draw them closer to you first of all to find that right life partner so we think you know praising Jesus in. This media was brought to you by audio verse a website dedicated to spreading God's word through free sermon audio and much more if you would like to know more about audio verse or if you would like to listen to more sermons lead to visit W W W audio verse or.

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