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Logo of Michigan Camp Meeting 2016: The Harvest is Great

The Two Shall Become One- Part 2

Darryl Bentley



  • June 12, 2016
    2:00 PM
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Holy Father has removing on to the next part of our time together today we ask that you with us we come to camp meaning to the time that we can stand together for the things that we can learn and we want to ask for two things one for our own hearing and the second for the speaker I've been in and he said to presume it before and I just ask if it's low Well also for ourselves that we do little to learn something to take something to make an iris and we say this in Jesus' name him and me and him were good morning. It is a blessing to be back with you this morning glad that you been able to come and be with us thank you for being with us for your help travel safely Yes to go back to work will miss haven't with my thinking planned for you to fall as always well if you missed yesterday yesterday we started part one of this presentation serious about how so too will become one and it's based off of course Genesis and the tax they are in Timothy that you can use an unmarked in that you can still not scream which is basically a quote from Genesis two and yesterday we talked about the differences between dating and courtship and we decided based on biblical evidence and based on what we see presented in our modern world that we want to get away from the term dating because dating has become basically just a way to find the next sexual partner within our modern society which is something which is much more intentional that is designed to find a life partner within the context of Christian marriage guidelines and so you'll hear me referring to court ship to courting and I know it sounds a little old fashioned but I think it's a powerful distinction that we can make and if you missed Esther days presentation it will be available at the A.B.C. You can go in there and asked for the young adult presentations or if you would like to have a P.D.F. of the slides just shoot me an e-mail and I'll be glad to share that with my. E. mail is very simple it's Pastor Bentley at G. Mail dot com and Bentley is spelled just like the automobile I'll never have it's at the end so the in T L E E Y past or Bentley It's all spelled out no dots no spaces G.-Mail dot com And if you'll shoot me a quick email I'll be glad to share the presentations with you so that you can look over them in your own time but the day you can see we're going to be talking about part two yesterday we talked about the prelude to marriage which is that pre-court ship the courtship and engagement phases but now we're going to talk about you you've made it past the I do OK you've said I do you had you're not sure as they say you're married you've started your life together and now what do you do and so we're going to try to give you a little help a little guidance on that today and I pray it can be a blessing to if you do have questions feel free to raise your hand I'll do my best to field your questions and we will have a Q. and A time at the very end so if you want to save your question for then you can do that as well but I just want to pause for a word of prayer and ask the Lord to bless us and we are recording these again so they can be at the A.B.C. for you OK So let's be our heads. Gracious father or we are thankful that you said it it's not good for man to be alone. Rather we appreciate it in your love in your great wisdom and in your plan for us that you design that we would have a partner in life that each man should have a woman and each woman should have a man as a father we just want to honor that and do things according to your plan Lord as we spend this time together today I need your wisdom in Egypt guidance or I don't want to just share my ideas my thoughts I want them to be your thoughts your ideas so that we might lead people in a deeper relationship each other but especially with Jesus the Lord God us now in our discussion time we present we ask these things in Jesus name Amen so. Again I've been what referencing this but I want to remind you about this as we start out and this is course the gospel according to Mark but it's it's being quoted here from Genesis chapter two twenty three twenty four is religious reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two shall become once. In a moment Are you awake the two shall become one it one flesh the Becoming together so they are no longer two but one flesh there's something within the special bonds of marriage where it's not that we completely lose our identity as individuals but that identity shifts that identity morphs into a deeper identity a broader identity because you're no longer just a single unit you are now a partner in your your nodded and part of that becoming one flesh Paul reference is this it's part of it is sexual intimacy and we're going to talk about sexual things a little bit today I'm not going to get roadster crass or anything like that but we will discuss a few things OK this is an adult setting but I will try to be I'm a pastor I don't want to embarrass anybody I don't want to talk about anything that's off color OK but we will talk about a few things and Paul talks about how when we join ourselves sexually with someone and he actually speaks about it in sexual immorality he said you're becoming one flesh with that person so that's part of God's design we're going to jump in today I'm going to talk to you. I am going to attempt to talk to you in about an hour and what I normally would take eight and weeks to cover with a couple OK So realize this is going to be like drinking from a fire hose. So there's a lot that I would normally throw in and I've tried to synthesize this down to where it's just the basics that I can give you to give you something to think about to start challenging you in this type. Of area but first and foremost I always share with a couple that is respectfully looking to be married OK I always share with Him Christ has to be at the center if you do not have the bond of Jesus Christ in your marital relationship even in your courting relationship you're completely off base OK so you've got to have Christ at the center if any marriage has any hope of survival it must have Jesus at the very center of it if you come into it with anything other expectation or any other bond that's holding you together maybe you met at a comic convention if your marriage is based on Superman you're in trouble as the man I still will not hold you together he might be able to stop a speeding bullet he might be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound but Superman's not strong enough to hold a marriage together but Jesus is OK so you've got to have Jesus at the center now I'm going to hit something that is sensitive for some people OK I'm going to talk to you about being an equally yoked all right in the Bible is very clear about this this means that both husband and wife to be must have a saving relationship with Jesus the Bible is very clear on this that we should not be unequally yoked noticed this from Second Corinthians Here's the verse OK so now you have the reference where it speaks of this do not be what. That does that sound like a suggestion if it's convenient for you Don't be unequally. If it happens to work out be don't be an equally it's not worded in that way right it's in the imperative it's in a command sense do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers because then he gives you some logic behind it he says for want fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness and what communion has lived with darkness and friends this is not just as it relates to marriage relationships this is all of our intimate friendships your best friend. You should be equally yoked with your best friend. Or pastor here you are telling us that we should just go off into a corner that we should be isolationists that we should be insular we should pull away from everything that's not what I'm saying and what the Bible's teaching is what Paul was trying to teach the church in Corinth was listen in your deepest your most intimate your closest relationships they need to be people who are on the same spiritual level as you are now does that not line up then if I'm going to be in a marriage relationship is that not the deepest and the most sensitive of all relationships of course it does and so we want to be equally yoked within the marriage relationship now what are we talking about in greater detail. Well what did I put on. I believe that second Corinthians now I'm confused must though. Check it and I realize that check it for me and find out the notice this what are we talking about B. and unequally yoked. In places where two oxen are used to plow builds the oxen must be equally paired so that one ox is not doing all the work. Now think about that in a marriage relationship if you have one person that's doing all the pulling How long do you think that person that's doing all the pulling can actually last. They're going to wear out right you're going to experience what we would refer to as marriage burnout and you get it's just I got to do this again I can't do this any longer and you end up in those relationships faster Steve reference this the other night in his testimony where he shared a testimony about a brother who wife came in once that I can't do this anymore right you remember him sharing that with us that's what you end up coming up with when you have that and he was a second yeah that's what I thought it was second so I just copied and pasted wrong on the on the slide forgive me all right so what else in marriage this applies in the sense that both husband and wife should be pulling in the same direction together again we're going to see people succumb to marriage burnout if that's not the case and so when you're choosing someone with whom you're going to spend the rest of your life you want to make sure that there is an equality there now you remember there were four areas of attraction that I mentioned to you yesterday do you remember those four areas of the attraction what was the first one physical right you're going to be married to someone it would help if you could stand to look at them yes or no OK so there is going to be an element of physical attraction listen when you wake up and their hair is going all in a breath is out there here and you know there were paints not on or whatever you know you've got to be able to look at them so. That is an element What was the second one. Intellectual you want somebody that you can relate to write someone who can at least follow your train of thought what was the third one. Emotional if you are emotionally twenty five and the person you're looking to America is emotionally fifteen What did I say when you marry them you just became their parent. And so you will have to be the parent in that relationship without the authority to parent them because the you think someone that you married wants you to mother or father over them no but they're not emotionally mature enough to know that and then what was that for. Spiritual there has to be some spiritual attraction there and these things will play into overall attraction so when you're thinking about being equally yoked with someone all of those elements need to be in place can you see that with me yes or no and you know I apologize we're moving so fast we've got a lot of ground to cover here so thank you for sticking with me and we will be yoked also means that a husband and wife should share the same faith. I'm not the only pastor in this room several you could ask them how difficult is it when one's the Seventh Day Adventist and one's of something else they can they can and I agree even within Adventism you can have some struggles but at the very minimum Mary a Seventh Day Adventist. And friends I'm going to say something to you that's not very popular in my opinion there's only two nominations in the world. Catholic and that Bennett's. Pastor you're crazy if you look at it here it's dot com There's nearly forty thousand the nominations now because it says in the modern world there is a mother of harlots. And a mother must have children or daughters and so you have a mother and daughters of harlotry which in the biblical context in the Revelation context and in time context that means that there are things being talked that are not true to Scripture yes or no so if you have all this group that fits into that that's both the basically Catholicism and her daughters and then you have those that are true to the Scriptures that believe Jesus Christ they accept his faith they have His commandments and they have the testimony of Jesus Christ that's God's remnant people and that's not arrogance it's simply biblical truth OK so it's at least the starting point for me should be that you're marrying a Seventh Day Adventist Christian and I don't apologize for asking couples that in fact I will not perform a wedding service for an Adventist on an ad you want to set yourself up for failure or go to the justice of the peace I'm not going to give you the keys to do that is that sound fair does that sound harsh. Why do I feel that way because I see the heartache I see the ladies who sit in church in cry because their husband has no interest in their faith I see husbands who are hearts are broken because their wife won't come and hear the message burns it tears people apart when a home is divided over religion it creates at least this minimum of things OK this is not an exhaustive list but there's going to be tension there there's just going to be this constant grinding OK it's Sabbath morning he doesn't want me to. No she doesn't want me to go home and there's that tension in it's always there and it's always grating and she not only that but it creates confusion for your kids wondering what the truth really is I can tell you a number of couples right now that I know. That they go to church on Sabbath it's get up and they take them to church on Sunday morning and you can talk to those kids and they have no idea what they believe. Which is true you I love moms religion more are dads religion more well mom's church is friendlier so I'm not like mom's church better or dad's church has more kids I like that you see what I'm saying it creates an environment where your religious experience is based off of what caters to your emotions and your feelings then instead of being based off of a solid relationship with Jesus and embracing his doctor it creates confusion for our kids. In this situation of being unequally yoked it's even worse it's exemplified more when one marries a total non believer I actually could point to you right now several people that I know who are married not only to nonbelievers but to atheists and their devout some of the administrations and I ask myself How did you get were you thinking you would convert them if you're thinking that make sure they're converted before you say I do now there's a danger there because there's a number of people whose names are in the books of a Seventh Day Adventist Church who went through bible studies got married or got baptized so that they could get married but they had no real interest in the church so you got to be careful for that and that's where it's difficult for us as pastors because we want we want people to be baptized right we want to see them make a decision but I want people that are converted not just wet. And. Now. We quickly went through that part of being unequally yoked the next bold heading as your personal spirituality and I cannot say to you how much this plays a major role in your day to day walk in life. As if you're not spending time in the Word of God You are not feeding your soul and you are not advancing your relationship with Jesus Christ I want to say this to. Your prayer line if all you do is pray over your food you don't have a prayer life. Does that sound harsh I'm not trying to be harsh with you is it good to pray over your food aimin God knows some of it needs prayer right you ever been to a potluck and it's truly potluck. You don't know somebody is cat walk through those mashed potatoes before you eat them. He's telling you the truth so you need to pray over your Food Trust me. But that's not. Going to spend time talking to the Lord you got to spend time listening to the lord go in read Matthew chapter six verses five through fifteen on Jesus kind of skeleton outline a prayer there he does some lead and then he gets to the Lord's Prayer in his turn to just a skeleton we don't memorize the Lord's Prayer and that's our prayer life those bullet points that Jesus gave us in the Lord's Prayer were kind of things to have upon which to hang prayer give us this day our daily bread Lord feed my soul Lord feed my family Lord teach me what I should take and what I should consume you see what I'm saying how that's just a skeleton outline a prayer that you've got to spend your own time in the Word and in prayer feeding your soul because ultimately as your other relationships may fail or may end because of death or whatever Jesus will always be there for you he will never fail you he will never leave you nor for safe you and I love what he says in Matthew twenty eight right he says I am with you always even into the end of the age it will always be there for you and if you're not being your soul you're not walking in the armor of God. And I don't know how much you get beat up spiritually but I need some armor on me. I need some armor on me I get beat up by the devil and many times it's because of my own habits and own failings own shortcomings so I need all the help I can get I want that armor of God now. Here's another point that is sometimes controversial. Husband is called to be the spiritual leader. And a lot of guys do not take up that mantle a lot of guys are more concerned with what the Lions are doing or the tigers and bears oh my. Right. Many guys can tell you more about who's up in line for the first round draft pick then they can tell you what they read last in the bye guys step up to the planes be the men that God has called you to be be the spiritual leaders in your home that God has called you to please a pastor what are you talking about let me show you these five twenty three and twenty four and hopefully the reference will be right on the screen right here we go for the husband is the head of whom. Oh girls you are awfully quiet on that and you know I've got good news for you OK He is the savior of the body is me as also Christ is head of the church and he is the savior of the body so notice the relationship that's been established here and if Asians Paul is saying just like Christ is the head of the church you know the church is called a body the husband within the family unit was a subnet of the church body the husband is supposed to be that spiritual head within the family body OK Therefore just as the church is subject to Christ so let the wives be to their own husbands in the things that suit them. Now you have to pay attention in this seminar I will sometimes quote to you the B S S B The you have the B S S B on your phones or at your home course you don't because it's the Bentley substandard version OK I will misquote it to see if you're paying attention all right. Be subject to their own husbands and how many things science everything now some of the ladies all of a sudden all wait a minute my women's lib nerve is getting right here take a breath and calm down OK please let me. Go Let me now give you the context I'm going to give you some greater context in which this was given OK this was not given so that the man could be some sort of tyrant or dictator this responsibility from God does not mean that he's ruling over you with an iron fist OK notice now the context because a lot of guys love to read efficiency five twenty two wives be submissive to your husbands and then you get that woman. Fail you just failed read the rest of the verses guy OK Notice this the Lord places great responsibility upon the husband in the very next verse here comes the verse that is awesome that our law husbands do what love your wives just as Christ also love the church and he did what you gave himself so now here's the context wives you are supposed to be submissive you are supposed to be led by a man who loves you sacrificially So if you have a man that loves you sacrificially that seeks to build you up that goes out of his way to make you feel like a wing you would be a fool not to be submissive to that man. That makes sense God's plan word but guys if you and I walk around like we're some sort of you know we're the greatest thing since buttons on a shirt and woman you better have my supper and you better fix this you're out of your my. Christ gave himself for the church in other words Christ needs went unmet then he might meet the needs of the church. Parallel that now to the husband has been your man cave shouldn't be done until your honey do list is done. I'll tell you how much I love gardening. Anybody and their love the garden. I hate it. I could kill still plants I don't know how it is that's why I do my gardening in the produce section at my Or that's as well do it now I don't mind knowing grass and we didn't I love doing all that making the grass look good you know but gardening for it Mother's Day a wife a gender. It's heart. I would like to raise the garden bit like a what. I'd like one of those beds that's raised you know I don't want to plough up the yard alone with these raised beds you know I can I don't have to bend over too far and I and I'd like it thus and such big and thus and such deep and here's where I would like it at the house and in my mind I'm thinking Oh Lord take me. As I love my why I started sketching out what she said. I started doing the materials live. And I went on Mother's Day this year the Home Depot and I will tell you the parking lot on Mother's Day at Home Depot looks like the parking lot at Wal-Mart the day before Christmas I mean there from the front door into the restaurant beside them. So I'm there and I fight through this people I get all these landscape timbers I get these big spikes I get all this stuff. And I get started. And it only took me nineteen days build it. As and I got as much as I could and then I had a pastor in between really worked on it two and a half. But I had to go I have this little trailer that's four by seven and it's got side boards on it this trailer will hold one yard of dirt I had to make five trips to the landscape place and then all of that dirt came off my trailer like this you know why I did that. Because I hate gardening. Because I love my genes. And I want to tell you if you could see the look on her face when she came around the corner and saw all that raised garden been a military you know what in her mind I was twenty five feet tall even though I stand a whopping five foot seven and. As it's about sacrifice it's your thing about Bart I mean want to know how deep you have to plan it oh no one at that doesn't interest me in the least Ah probably starve to death in a time of trouble. I got equity at last a little longer. But it comes down to loving your why becomes down to loving her sacrificial me and ladies I want to tell you if you've got a guy that's trying to love you that way. Go out of your way to make his life and then notice what ends up happening. Is the husband striving to build up my why my wife as as my wife striving to build me up and then it's almost like you're almost trip over each other trying to help each other isn't that beautiful it's beautiful animal tell you it's what God intended so we're called to love them sacrificially So the husband's not there to lord over his wife he's there to do want what's the two things serve and lead his wife and the rest of the family in being what type of leaders for Christ's servant leaders as that's what Christ has called us to know is that a high standard better believe it is that hard to do better believe it is that easier with Jesus Hell I don't believe there are any parents and here I'm about to upset you. About the talked about leaving in cleaving. And this is I've actually had some mama bears. Come find me. After I present this model to. Their little ducklings are what I said mama bear so they have to become observant we must establish our own household. Bible calls us to leave home and join together in our own family unit. Notice this from Genesis that quote back from Mark right this is according to Mark Adams said this is now more of my bones and flesh of my flesh she shall be called Woman because she was taken out of man therefore shell a man will leave his father and his mother what was that first word leave not that not bring honey home unless let's let's start off mom and dad OK leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife and they should be one flash so what I counsel folks that are looking to get married the operative words here are leaving cleaved at me. Means that marriage should not be considered until we have the ability to have our own place. And I don't care if that's an apartment I don't care if that's a house trailer or whatever it is have your own place oh we can that we need to get married what is live with mom and dad for so we can get on our feet Ixnay on the planet I don't know if they. Cut that off if you're not ready. Be able to get your own place you're probably not ready to get married. Does that sound too harsh. Now I'm not going to say that there won't be times where you don't need each other's help parents to kids give you an example my wife and I had our place and genders mom and dad were selling their home and they were building another home well the they needed to get out of this home a month before the other home was spent and so her mom and dad moved in with us a problem we love her mom and dad they're great people they're Christian mentors in my life love I'm the debt. But then before the month was over the home we were living in and owned by my uncle he came to me and he said I'm selling your house I need you to get out or thanks. So we all moved in so the new house so we ended up being together about two and a half months then seeing that Will it really only felt like five minutes underwater. It's not because there wasn't law. It's because every time I stepped out the door her mother where you go on. And it didn't hurt badly at first but the twenty ninth time. You know how that those hair on the back you know just starts moving. So my of answers became out when will you be back later. A grown man I'm married. I'm not telling you where I'm going every time I leave and maybe there was some pride there some arrogance I'm not going to say that there wasn't but the point him I had been used to living on my own and now all of a sudden I got mama again want to know when my curfew is going to be it created tension and created friction and if you don't think it will happen with you maybe you're the anomaly in the universe that it won't happen to but eventually it will get on your nerves and to get on their nerves OK so it's best to have your own place to live. One of the reasons is that in their eyes your parents' eyes you'll always be their kids. Right now my oldest a sixteen is Sister July first to be fifteen their little brother is thirteen and when they are forty and older they will always be ginger babies. And I don't care how old they get there will always be mama's babies so that you'll always be the kids in their eyes OK And you also need to learn how to make decisions should be learned forgive me you need to learn how to make decisions on your own if you think you're going to get married and just live with your parents you're really creating a code the pen relationship where you're saying I'm going to farm out my decision making to someone else and what does that do for your emotional maturity does it increase it or stunted it stunts the growth of that emotional maturity because you're not having to make decisions on your own now so you're saying OK Pastor just forget about our parents and never ask them anything if you leave here without understanding it's yours I didn't say that I'm saying to you that you've got to learn how to stand on your own two feet. And if you don't have the financial ability to do that you might want to reconsider whether you're exactly ready for a mirror and I don't think that's being unfair I think it's what the Bible calls us to do. You gotta learn to set appropriate boundaries. And here's where it gets a little tough. This applies to your family and friends. I have seen situations where some guys. Never really. The best way to say this they never really look to their wife to be a partner in making decisions they are mall that out to mom and some moms making decisions in the marriage and husbands coming home and saying well this is what my mom said we should do. How many times do you want to hear that ladies there's your mother knows there's your mother in law's gain higher esteem in your eyes under that scenario or lower. All of a sudden you're like listen I did marry your money right and one day you're going to blow up and lose your mind. Some parents try to run the lives of their kids long after they move out and so I have actually had to counsel some couples be careful how much information you tell your parents if your parents are so nosy that they won't let you make your own decision this is worse mama bears have come to see me What do you mean you told so and so not to tell me everything and I can only look them in the face I sell love you but it's not your business if you want more kids to raise become a foster parent. But you've raised this will and you've given him the blessing to marry her leave them alone. Please. It's what needs to happen now you and your spouse must learn how to tell your parents when enough is enough. And you have to do that in love. You don't just come to your mom and dad who given everything for you instead of them get out of our business you just have to lovingly say you know mom. Ginger and I are going to make that decision. For us that we can make the right this is do it in love do it in kindness but set some appropriate boundaries if one of you is always taking cues it's going to ask for trouble but notice this it's appropriate to seek guidance from your parents grandparents or other folks that you look up to they have wisdom that you can draw from OK so I'm not saying shut out those people in your life who have such great life experience but know what's appropriate to ask make the decisions together. As a husband and a why and say an OK list should who should we ask about. When some Don't you the Bible says there is wisdom and safety in a multitude of counsellors seek counsel from those people who have gone before you why reinvent the will just pick one up and roll it I think I'll try and hexagonal will. The round one still works better so use that store of wisdom that you can draw from. Continuing with appropriate boundaries you got to do this with your friends. Sometimes it's not mom and dad that don't know when enough is enough sometimes it's your friends and when I tell you we live in a nose book society. And what society those but now I know Mark Zuckerberg supposedly created an online social media. Existence known as Facebook but I think it's really those books there's a lot of it we're just now I want to get there about his business let me let me get up on our bodies business right it's good to connect with people I use Facebook as a ministry front I don't put anything personal own face. I actually have had people tell me when I had personal stuff on Facebook when I first started you don't post enough pictures or your kids. Hello there my kids I don't care if you don't think there's an a picture zone it's none of your business I mean that's what I'm thinking you say it a lot nicer right well we don't want to have so many pictures out there you know people stalking her family and others and jobs in the world. But ultimately what I'm saying is it's not your business what I put on there is my business OK And so we have to tell some of our friends you know want to back off a little bit all right and if you've got some friends that come over too often or push their way into your business too much it can cause hard feelings between you and your spouse why is someone so always over here we can't do anything unless you drag so and so alone you've got to set some appropriate boundaries make sure you have enough time as a family unit if your spouse is especially sensitive to that OK you've got to communicate together. Friends please get this part never share anything with your friends or family that would be an embarrassment to. Not try to embarrass each other and I'm not talking about if you're if you're in an abusive situation oh hide that because it would embarrass in a get out of that abusive situation and tell somebody that so and so's abusing you so so and so can go put so bad in their place. I've told my daughter if a man ever lays a hand on you. Please tell me as that brother is going to have something coming his way and it might be movement two thousand feet per second. I'm just telling you I didn't raise my little girl for some gotta take advantage of her meet her up and abuse her she's my princess not your conquest So ladies if you're ever in an abusive relationship don't put up with that love should not hurt. Love should not hurt and if somebody hits you they do not love you they do not love you. Trust me on that and tell somebody that you can get some help and say get out of that situation OK so I'm not talking about that type of thing. Here's a big point. With your friends especially don't talk about your sex life so much I mean you might have little conversations or girlfriends might need it little advice on certain things or guys whatever but you don't want to sit there and talk about intimate details of your sexual time together because you may cause your friends to think of your spouse in a sexual way so now instead of I'm looking at my friends you know my buddies wife is not just. In the bedroom and we think in that kind of stuff OK So keep those details private where they belong and you don't want to arouse that kind of stuff in anybody else. This one I'm a step on some toes and I'm not trying to say I come from a divorced family. In fact I am the only person in my family that I know well my side of the family who is still in their first marriage and the answer you don't understand listen please I'm not you're beating up anybody that's divorced and please hear me I love people I am not in ministry to hurt people but what I'm saying to me is that many times divorce is used when it doesn't have to be. Are you tracking with me so here's what I'm saying today couples that I do counseling I'm not putting know all these crazy divorced people you know don't end up like all Bill I'm not saying anything for Gerard of or anything like that I'm saying if you can prevent it it's the best option OK And here's what I say to them I challenge every couple to make a covenant with each other and the Lord that divorce will not be an option when Ginger and I were doing premarital counseling. After didn't bring that out but she and I started talking about it because I looked at my family. Marriage to marriage three marriage one two three or my sister's been married four times. Older sister. I told you and your ass that I'm not interested in getting married if divorce is an option. So I told her I said I want our common it. To mean us and the Lord that divorce will never be in. Regard less of the circumstance we will find a way to work through. And I asked her said Are you willing to commit to that and she was. And we've been married almost twenty two years June twenty sixth does that mean that every day has been a better Rosa's some days. Some days I would just assume been blown over a bridge in a wood chipper get me out of here take me out of it it's horrible but because we took divorce off the table we figured out a way to work through it and because we took the time to work through it because here's what happens a lot of times people get divorced in the same trouble or the same reasons that cause them trouble in the first marriage they just packed those right up in their suitcase and toast them right into the next relationship and then we can't figure out why marriage to. Pack that up and go to marriage three I can't figure out why marriage three failed because you're not resolving issues and if you take divorce off the table it forces you to get creative in resolving issues does that make sense at all. It does not mean that each of you has a license to do what you want and your spouse just has to sit back and live with it oh OK divorce is not an option so I can do whatever I want to we're not saying that you still need to live as a committed. Marriage are. But it means you will exhaust every other resource and method of reconciliation without letting divorce become a part of the conversation. And bronzes that hard some turns. Some of the hardest work you will ever do is fighting through working through making your way through marital issues. But it's worth. It's worth it there were times Ginger and I could have called it quits we were fed up with each other we were aggravated we let things build up blah blah blah because we had this commitment to each other. And because we did we now have a marriage that stronger and better than anything I could have ever hoped that it would have been and I praise God for that it's not because I'm smart enough to do that it's because God took mercy upon us and he honored that covenant relationship that we made with Him People often ask me as a pastor. What's biblical grounds for divorce there's only one given in marriage or scuse me in the Bible Matthew nineteen Here you go. They had been asking him about divorce Moses gave certificates of divorce Jesus said to them Moses because of the hardness of your hearts permitted you to divorce your wives but from the beginning it was not so in other words it was never a part of God's plan. And I say to you whoever divorces his wife except for sexual immorality So in other words adultery is the only biblical grounds for divorce according to Jesus. Except for that and marries another commits adultery and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery. These are strong words Jesus' words and they're given in law they're not given to condemn anybody they're not given the make anybody feel badly is simply saying it was never our plan it was never my plan that you would join as one flash and then separate from that. That's what he's saying not trying to beat anybody up trying to make anybody feel badly. About how many do this. Thing has a mind of its own. Could be a notification override and you may have to come in tab to get back to thank you. Now we just ended up stay in true and divorce the divorce now I'm going to switch gears rapidly and go to the next section normally you would have time to digest this and go home and talk about it but now we don't get it so if you've got questions on those we'll get to them in a minute here's the next model that I cover with people continue courting in your marriage you would not believe how many guys and ladies stop courting after they say well I got her now I can just put all my defenses down and now she's my house slave I had a buddy that was so messed up one time he said you know why Brad's wear white. So the match the other appliances now that was a very massage and mystic and hateful view of marriage yes or no. I don't agree with that I'm a normal scribe to that and so guys what I'm suggesting to you and guys yes I'm putting most of the burden oney chase her in the marriage as much as you chased her before the mirror. Do little things for her to make her feel special in order to create true intimacy within the marriage we want to do the little things each day to make our spouse feel Special have some manners you didn't sit around when you were dating and expel all kind of gaseous things from your body you didn't sit around when you were dating to going out to eat her. What not a good one what we do they basically is no honey. You didn't do all that crazy stuff. You treated her special you bought her little gifts for no reason you Meg went out of your way to make her feel you know I want to be with this guy be that type of guy who continues to do that leave little notes they have these little things these little little markers that are perfect for like shower door. By one of those little markers and leave her a note on the shower door that night you know and that way when she gets up in the morning she goes in there and I love you sweetheart. It sounds corny but doesn't want to tell you it's absolute gold. It's gold your wife what you did. She will love that you went out of your way to do something special for her or play what's worth anything say and. Friends I want to say this to and this is not to be crass or anything OK that word it's not a dirty word and it does not just an S.. Or play my opinion it's something to create intimacy within your marriage relations and intimacy does not just happen on a sexual level intimacy happens in how we connect with each other emotional. I'll even give you kind of a twisted scenario there are examples and they caution us this when they're training assess accidents there are examples where a lady in a marriage relationship is so star for an emotional connection that they will connect sometimes with the pastor and the pastor is not going out of the way to do anything it's just he's nice to me and he shakes my hand he says nice things to me that emotional connection is happening and there have been instances I had a friend of mine a lady came to him for counseling he thought. He'd got a little tickle in his throat so he stepped up to get a drink of water he came back to his office and she was completely disrobe. In his office at the church and it wasn't because he was some big stud muffin or whatever he was a little guy in his legs because marm he wasn't Brad Pitt or something like that just an average guy. But she had connected with him emotionally because there was a void at home are you following me saying And so what I'm saying to you when I talk about foreplay I'm talking of more so about emotional connection and a connection that's there because of all those little things that happen throughout the day. I'm not talking about just that encounter I'm talking about creating an atmosphere of intimacy and minimal to say this to you and ladies if you think I'm off base tell me but I have come to believe through personal experience and through interaction with married couples that wives crave emotional connection they want somebody who knows that they're pure that cares about them and in a rest and what's going on with you and we must learn to connect on that level money of us guys don't know how to do that. Right and remember I told you ladies yesterday that we as guys oftentimes don't need very much by way of stimulation for sexual arousal. Only Would you like to go to bed yet ready ladies it's a very different story if a lady hasn't connected with her husband on an emotional level many times that desire for sexual contact is not they are. The guys I want to say this to if you have connected with your wife on an emotional level and she knows that you care for her and you've been living for her sacrificially. Then she's going to connect with you on a sexual level that you would not believe because she fills into that because of that emotional tie. And I want to say this to you I'm not going to take time to turn to the verge of a may have it on the string let me see we want to follow first Peter for eight and have for but love for one another that's love that is passionately intense Yes I have it here it is above all things have fur but love for one another for love or cover what. If you love your spouse enough you may not recognize that they don't know how to dispense to paste Are you crazy. I have a wife who does not know how to dispense toothpaste anybody knows that if you're going to dispense toothpaste It happens from the end. And it is all squeezed together you don't grab that thing and squeeze it in the middle. So you just Brother here and he's lost like that we got to work on this for. Anybody who's got a good sense knows that Colette paper comes off the top not from underneath. Go to a hotel you'll never go to a hotel unless it comes off the top otherwise they could put that pretty little bee in it. It's just standard operating procedure but all of those little things that drive you crazy will drive you crazy if there's not a fervent love. My wife and I fixed it she has her toothpaste and she can squeeze and gum up and do whatever she wants to do and I have one of those little bottles that has a cap and you gently squeeze and I have peace and harmony I want the toilet paper to come off the top she wants the toilet seat down so yes one our top paper comes off the top and guys guess what I do I put the seat back in. As a memento you go out of your way. To make concessions for each. Of the military my wife she asked one time she said can you not put. In my great brilliance that's that what can you not. Or better yet why don't you just raise it when you're done. That was smart wasn't it. I thought it was in my brilliance she said Well here's the reason. She said if I happen to go into the restroom. And I don't want to turn on the light to disturb. I don't want to sit down in the bowl. And be helpful of the seat was down. About that big from that moment forward I have strived to strive. I've worked hard. To never leave a toilet seat up. Because I care for my lot. But if we have that fervent love it cover some of those multitudes now finances I'm going to hit this at lightning speed. To morrow and the next day after Corey is going to take time to go through Christian finances OK so I'm not going to go into this is exhaustive Lee as I normally do is I'm going to steal my brother stander him and let him do this but here's what I go over just in brief OK you gotta follow God's counsel now I think God says You've robbed me with your thighs and offering the faithful in your giving friends be on the same page with that with your fiance and your spouse because I've actually had situations to Seventh Day Adventists one wanted to return to wanted to do what with guys return it I say pay to if you don't pay tithes goes it's not yours you return ties OK but I've had six thousand the say I don't want to return. And once that I want to and it creates tension and conflict OK disagreement on how to handle money is a major if not the major cause in marital strife and sometimes eventual divorce infidelity actually ranks second more people get divorced over finances and they do infidelity if one is a spender and the other is a saver of the saver should manage the money. If both of you are savers and you also that there and rub your pennies together together if both of your spenders God help you. I'm serious and you need to figure that out that might be part of the combat compatibility testing that you figure out before you set a wedding day before you say I do if you find out that both of your spenders you might want to seriously think about. There's a medallion those habits are hard to cultivate if they have not been put there from a young age as to correlate spend more on that I'm sure. Develop a budget and a spending plan early on and do your very best to stick to it and tell you how important this is more about OK. I want to say this one hear me hear me hear me hear me hear me please begin investing in your retirement in savings before you have children and don't touch it. Or the best things you can do start setting some money aside for retirement. Fund a good way to amend it some in a to manage that maybe it's a mutual fund in a Pastor Corey he was a branch manager for Regions Bank before the Lord told him in the Fulton pastoral ministry and so he knows about all these investment tools you can talk to him you can ask him about that OK he's got a good knowledge a background of that but you've got to put it in there and just leave it alone need to do same thing with your savings you got need to have some money set aside or pastor or pay and school bills were doing this. In say you had to save a thousand dollars a month you need to be putting something aside you need to be making some investments. And then we get to the sex talk and we've got ten minutes we'll go over. Said preach as long as you can people. A lot of couples they lose the happiness they had when they were first married a lot of couples when they first go into marriage are driven by lust by want lust Now how do I define lust I'm defining lust as a desire to satisfy your sexual cravings. And especially if you have been celibate if you've been chased like you should be before marriage and then you're not you're just raring to go you know want to check this stuff out want to get in there and you know whatever. A lot of times when that sexual appetite has been satiated to a certain level you wake up and you realize men are going to marriage and it becomes work. I'm going to say to you that being faithful continuing to court and all these other things that I've been mentioning to you treating each other Sachar loving each other sacrificially being servant leaders to one another doing all those little things to build intimacy connecting with each other emotionally those are healthy things that keep from having trouble in this area OK but you want to avoid any situation that can cause you to place someone else in higher esteem than you hold your spouse. So if you're seeing your spouse three hours a day in the evening few minutes in the morning but you're spending eight and twelve hours a day with somebody at work that's also sleet. Check yourself. Check yourself. You do not need to develop those intimate relationships with somebody at work be careful be careful especially sharing intimate details with people of the opposite sex. And in this world be careful with the same sex if that person has those type of leanings because they may make advances own. Way and some people make advances own you even when you're trying to do the right thing I was deployed to Iraq. At a soldier come up to me she knew I was married and she said to me Bentley when we going to hook up. I thought she meant something and she was part of Battalion Staff I was part of Battalion Staff my mind went to is there some project I forgot about and that's like. When do we need to. It was an innocent response she said well on M M three about four thirty or sixteen thirty military. A said so what is it what is that we were what is that we were going to be working on she said you can work in a minutes I said you have lost your mom. And said you don't I said you know I'm married why would you even come to me with that she said well I know you're married you're not looking for a commitment. There was there was no ambiguity at that moment I knew what was going on and I said you know what do me a favor and don't ever speak to me again unless it's army business are we straight soldier. Whatever Butler. But I'm telling you you don't have to be Tom Cruise you don't have to be who have or you know who are the hot lady actors these days whatever if you're if you're kind of people if you connect with people emotionally it's going to create attraction you've got to be careful. You think I change my ways a little bit and I wasn't trying to be flirtatious or anything. But I mean that made me more mindful of how I spoke to females. You gotta be careful using these websites you can get in so much trouble I had back when I was deployed to Iraq from June of zero six to June of zero seven My Space was still the big thing Facebook was just coming on the scene you may remember my space it's still out there but My Space My Space was the big thing is bigger than Facebook and Facebook took over right I had soldiers that would come to me for counseling I was part of the Chaplain Corps and they would say you know I was looking on my wife for my girlfriend's My Space and all this and that. They were cheating on learn what it was in hidden guys. Want to say this to you should not have an account for social media or e-mail that your spouse doesn't have a passport. But why knows my Facebook password it's because it's our place. She knows the passwords to my email and she knows that I get certain pastoral communications that are sensitive she doesn't go and read my pastoral mail but a moment I don't meet with a lady in our church unless my wife is sitting right there. Or another elder or deacon this is my wife can't be available I'm not putting myself in those situations and I love all my church family my church friends will tell you that I go out of my way to love on them I love our folks good people are striving to get the heavens and as I am and I want to be a partner with them but they know if they ask me for a meeting. Someone is going to sit right there with us you've got to be safe. If courting is a continual aspect of the marriage this garbage will never be a problem. If you're taking care your business and guys I will tell you take care your business do your homework are you tracking with me don't need to get any more explicit than that if you're your business do your homework I'm not going to expand upon this very deeply. But when it comes to sex you and your spouse need to be in agreement as to what sexual experiences you want to have with the mirror. And I want to say this to you just because you're married it doesn't mean that anything goes. OK some of the stuff that that's being done out there especially with bondage and some of the souther stuff. Runs it's twist and it's a perversion of what got into in that sex to be. Now I am of the opinion that sex is not just for procreation. Obviously that's that's one of the functions of the sexual you know experience to be fruitful and multiply but I believe God also intended the sexual experience to be something very enjoyable something very pleasurable in a healthy marriage relationship OK but talk to your spouse about what they're comfortable with what what they might want to experience and set boundaries that the open talk about talk about it with your spouse not with everybody else it's OK again you don't want to engender those feelings of sexual arousal in your friends or family with your spouse OK keep it private and I've said this before I think it bears repeating foreplay is the key to mutual sexual fulfillment and it's not that foreplay that happens two minutes before you go dive in bed I'm talking about foreplay that happens all day long in every little thing because the intimacy that you share throughout the day is the same intimacy that will spill over into the better. And you show me a couple that's engaging each other in intimacy and emotional connection throughout the day and I'll show you a couple that has a healthy and happy sexual relationship it is a cause and effect in the Now are there sometimes medical conditions that prevent some of those things I'm not talking about. You know erectile dysfunction painful you know for the ladies whatever set all that aside normal healthy function this is a winner every time and a lack of intimacy notice the inverse of this is a lack of intimacy in all other aspects of life we call the chill in the bed. And then when the chills in the bedroom well let's go see what's online let's go to do things with myself and my been explicit enough for you track and with me. Let me let me let me do this will chat room. Will let me just go meet some I let me just go have coffee. Next thing you know you laid up in a hotel with somebody that you don't have any business even haven't talked to two months secure your business do your homework and I'm so out of time. But I've got to give you this. You've got to talk about things now we're on the communication got to hit this quickly. Don't go to bed angry about something if you have been upset efficiency chapter four and I believe it's around verse twenty five I'm shooting from the lip so you'll have to write it down and check me on it but it says do this is the angry but do not sin in other words it's an emotional reaction to get upset about something it's when you linger on it and don't resolve it that it becomes sin in the Bible even says don't let the sun go down on your anger and your spouse may need a few moments to collect themselves but then make time to come back together and talk about OK humility of stress in other words little thing didn't get dealt with little thing didn't get dealt with little thing big thing little thing and all of a sudden you remember the proverbial thing the straw that broke the camel's back that is the definition of kin illative stress little things and big things piling up that never get dealt with and all of a sudden it crushes us and we go postal so to speak and flip out and I'm done forget to get out of my life and it's all because you didn't communicate and deal with the problems as they came up. Don't confide things that others that you should be talking to your spouse about don't go out of a minute go back and talk people come to me it's a pastor so and so did such and such you know what my first question is did you talk to them well no that's your job no no no no no honey child as. You go talk to them what does Matthew eighteen tell us if your brother has sinned against you go and tell him his faults. And all that between the people work it out with your husband work it out with your wife don't go bad mouthing them to everybody else because you're really the one that looks badly as you don't have enough sense to handle your business I want to say this to them before here I wish I had the time to give you an entire seminar this number for having a weekly marriage meeting doesn't that sound lame I don't think. You want to meet weekly just the two of you get rid of the distractions turn the cell phones on airplanes mode if you can turn the T.V. off make sure the kids are in there with them but on the bed. You want to sit together. Again that connection right you're trying to there's something about sitting close to someone that reads intimacy so sit together jot down notes through the week about things you want to discuss and many of us we can do that on our phones right so put a little thing next year and be in you'll see why this is especially important because the very first aspect of the meeting is praising the child so right now a little cool things and it was really cool that she did that I really like that casserole that mystery dish wasn't so mysterious after I tasted it you know write down those little things that you can phrase jot down those notes. Bring your calendar use or what I need a calendar or an organizational device to a marriage meeting you'll find out in just a second meeting about thirty minutes don't make it something so long and laborious that both of you dread doing it OK Make it short and sweet get your business taken care of you want to cultivate a positive atmosphere you're there to build up and encourage your marriage not to tear down OK you want to make sure that both of you feel ownership in the meeting it's not one OK Oh OK honey I'm the chair raise your hand if you'd like to speak in this marriage meeting you're meeting as equals OK here's the four parts. And I wish I had time to get into all of this in depth but I don't. First as appreciation Ladies gentleman. Find things about which you can express appreciation for. What do you think that teaches us to do is to focus on the positive or the negative in brief I had a situation some time back. I'm raising three teenagers and I tell you that. Or. And sometimes it was getting a little tiresome and you know I felt convicted. That I was correct in my children more than I was present. So I got out my little notes out and I started a list that I keep building on where I write down things I appreciate about my kits. Even though they're teenagers and they're finding their boundaries and it's going to drive me crazy sometimes I love my kids I would give my life full. So I want them to know that part about dad not just the times I have to correct the behavior do the same thing with your spouse your spouse may be the most irritating person in the world you married them the chances are you might be you're taking two birds of a feather flock together right you know I'm picking the point in we often have similarities OK if you have that fervent love that's covering a multitude of soon you can focus more on the positive than you do the negative are you tracking with me so write down those good things appreciation. Should be one of the best parts of the meeting. Chores you're going to talk about things that you need to do you're going to touch base on finances make sure you're tracking when you're spending those sort of things hey we've got to make sure this is over and we cover that bill and it's a partnership OK but you should be helping out around the house. Again your wife is not one of the appliances even if she did wear white dress OK I'm speaking against that I hope you thought that the guys you ought to be helping out around the house get in there get involved don't just sit down and you know start flipping through Netflix or whatever after supper clean off the table help do the dishes put the food away get in your helper fix up or work together talk about those chores see here's why you brought your calendar Here's where you brought your organizational device that lets them kind of nerdy how I almost want to do this well but that will never. Model pocket protector something but you want to talk about here's some good things we're going to go do we're going to schedule a time to go out and do thus and such here's the thing I was once told that the road to a hot place was paved with good intentions interpret that for yourself. We can talk about all honey we're going to do this we're going to do this we're going to do that but if you never plan to do it it will happen and then your life will be the story of failed plan. As you never plan to do it so bring your calendar and here we're going to do this Sabbath afternoon we're going to do this Sunday we're going to do this make plans to stick to it within your budget. And then the last part of the marriage meeting talk about any challenges that are there. So we are she said this the other day and it. Just kind of hurtful I felt but then when our friends were. I would appreciate it more if you didn't say Does that sound like an attack or a plea for help. It's all in how you present yourself where you said such and such but I'm a. No thank you I don't want the weedeater or the Rottweiler at the marriage meeting so that's why you know if something did not get resolved Here's a time to bring it out. If there's an issue with the kids talk about how you're going to deal with that together. In the last part again I'm going to put this up quickly and this is our last card. When it comes to raising the kids you've got to respect each other's authority don't let your kids play you against each other if mom says no dad better not say yes unless Mom and Dad go and talk and. Yes of this and I had turned the promise OK at it and you said that and then you come as a unified front and say OK I don't know Dad had done this so your dad and I are saying yes because kids are sharp and they will play you lack of that all. The sweet music as they get their way with being on the same page talk about how you want to educate them and have the answer before you ever have them my wife and I decided that public school was not an option for our kids and I'm not saying that to put anybody down here I graduated from public high school never went to an admin a school until I hit southern admonition of R.C. OK and the Lord save me I'm not beating up anybody that goes to public school whatever just for us we decided that was the best option for us so make those decisions together so that you're not arguing about it. Talk about whether or not mom will stay home. We decided that it was important enough for us ginger be the one raising our kids that we wanted to live on one income. Was it hard. To turn. But we wanted her the one to be the one to do that she wanted to do it so it worked for us maybe some of us say you know what. My wife needs to work or my wife wants to work that's fine you guys decide that together so that you're not creating tension that's all I'm saying. You want to begin character development early why because experts will tell you that a child's basic character is formed by the time they're six or seven years old. So when you see these kids running around absolutely lost their mind as ten year. Holds. Good luck with the people who have to deal with them. Because there's character development that's taking place there that's going to be hard to unlearn for them so you want to start developing the characters early that make sense friends. Oh mercy we are completely out of time now what I would like to do because we're out of time if there's anybody that fills that they need to leave or wants to leave please no I'm not going to be upset or look at you badly if you need to step out that's fine but I'm willing to continue for a few more minutes for any that might have questions is that fair enough OK And so what I'm going to do though is I'm going to go ahead and have a word of closing prayer so that we can stop the recording and then I'll do whatever questions you may have OK So let's just our heads for prayer. Loving Father. Truly we are blessed because you have guided us on marriage. Father I want to be about your business I want to follow your leading. And when I want my friends here to have healthy and blessed marriages. Father I just pray that the things that have been presented today that they've been a blessing or a No We've gone very quickly but I pray that we would take time to go back and think about and digest some of these things more deeply more fully. So Lord just keep us in your care I lift up every person in here every person that's married every person the single that's contemplating marriage and when I pray that their lives would be completely surrendered to Jesus Christ that there would be nothing between you and them it would be a hundred percent sold out to you and Lord help us as parents so know our boundaries and know when to step back when to let them fly from the nest themselves and when to interject counts when the credit we have the wisdom the surname it's in the how to do that. The Lord let us all and only serve you the servant leaders in our home it's temporary. 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