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Logo of Love in the Making

When You Mess Up, How do you Fix Up

Dwayne Lemon Alexandra Lemon

Description

This session speaks on how to take a marriage that either started wrong or somewhere along the lines has become wrong and get it back on the right path. 

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  • April 21, 2018
    3:00 PM
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Heavenly Father I thank you again for this 2nd opportunity Lord to expound more on your word as we seek to find a way to a happy marriage a marriage Lord that you or that you sanction and uses as we impart the things that you've taught us to Lord we thank you in Jesus' name amen amen All right. You know. It was May 25th 1997. That this wonderful event took place and in many respects my bride Alexandra and I. We definitely love the joke that that there wasn't a question about that but it was very much an imperfect look we were not necessarily counseled in the instruction of the teachings from Adventists home Child Guidance. You know these type of books and it would have been helpful and I don't you know I don't fault even our counselor for that you know it's sometimes you just counsel what you know and what you believe in and but those books were not high like it was after our marriage and you have to understand that for Alexander and I I was working at a place called young adults Institute I was making 17500 dollars a year. And. I knew that that was next to nothing but you know we were like all right no problem we got married I did not even have a degree of any kind you know I didn't have a degree I was a high school dropout because when I was in high school in the world I got in trouble and you know it was gangs threatening my life and all of that my mother took care of me and my mother was like look I don't want my son to get hurt so she stopped me from going to school so I just started going into the entertainment industry became a dancer in hip hop and R. and B. culture and you know that was kind of like my life so when we get married I told my wife I said Honey how long did we agree we were going to wait before we had a child until 2 years my wife did not listen to me. And instead of 2 years how long was it before you dropped that incredible news on me that you were pregnant how long as 2 months 2 months so somehow months and years got confused in our conversation. And 2 months after we were married she already said I'm pregnant and I was just like oh wow so after we had our 1st son our oldest son Jared the pianist in that then how long did it take before you disobeyed and had another child I think it was 5 and 5 not 6 months OK 6 months and 6 months later. She said I'm pregnant again and then that's 1 we had. And then how many months after Caylee was born and I say 5 months it was 6 months out of the 6 months but nevertheless 6 months later or 5 I'll tell you why I say 6 and but 6 months later my bride was pregnant again and that's how we had the guitar guy. And then how many months then 6 months OK so you reverse it and I say 5 months left 55 when she did go through it I mean so OK I will agree with you so 55 and then 6 months later we have our daughter data so I am launched very quickly into parenthood 1 of the 1st lessons we learned is that sometimes the plans don't always work out the way you planned. And that's why again when you go back to the Eden model before Adam had a wife he had a job is that right Adam had an occupation and that occupation was working that soil OK it was a principle in the Ada model before a man gets married he should be in a position to have what is needed to take care of that young lady once he brings her into holy matrimony I was so not following that Lupron how much was I make it a year 17500 dollars a year now family trying to have a family live off of that was fairly impractical so what do I do I started getting involved in network marketing. We moved into my mother's house so that I mean violation again you know if I met you know the whole leaving father and mother in a mansion I can leave it set or so we're living with mom and we're living in her basement apartment in Queens New York. And here it is that we're going through these motions and you know we got to a place where you know I had to figure out something because I knew there's no way at this job and I'm going to be able to help take care of my family and 1 thing I did learn from my dad that was very well in still is you take care of your family so now get involved in network marketing and I'm driving out at night so I told my girl I got to build the jury and I was like I got to go and so can you imagine my wife is you know trying to manage all this baby X. and here I am telling her Honey I've got to get us financially secure so I got to go so I'm already working in a job in the day but then Network Marketing is the kind of business that you build that night so now I'm doing this thing where I'm trying real hard to make money and do all these things to take care of our home but it had an impact because I wasn't there I was not present for those crucial moments that a wife needs her husband to help bring up her children you know so it paved the way for certain things to happen we're going to say something well you know sometimes in addition to that on Sabbath. He was so busy as you know you see this young man so talented and everybody wanted to use him for different things so not only during the week but on Sabbath. I had. None but wasn't existed and I think you know I have my friend here when she was young a lot of the girls her age took my children when I walked into the church they would disappear each 1 and you know it was so sweet then you know it was my only time I had a reprieve but when you think about how the children should sit with the parents on Sabbath and when you think about you know the lessons of reverence in the church these things weren't taught you know as it should be by the mother so we just opened the doors to a lot of issues it did it really did and so we're trying to manage this thing I was not taught how to be a husband so that means that I got to go by what I was seeing in church and whatever I learned from home now from home we were straight up worldly So I knew like OK there's a lot of stuff I'm sure I can't bring from my home into our new home but when I watched the people in the church there was 1 thing I remember seeing very clearly in the church the elders were often very busy preaching and teaching and doing revelations seminars and all these things and there were times I used to drive by my church as late as 10 o'clock at night after finishing a meeting in somebody's house to try to get them to buy some soap and dishwashing liquid you know my network marketing business when I'm leaving those houses that 10 11 o'clock at night I would see the elders still at the church and sometimes are driving interests ahead what you guys doing there are all your was studying with doing these things and so I'm watching this like OK you got your children you are you're married and I guess this is normal we don't even even with all that going on I just thought this is this is OK This is not right we never even. I thought this was a problem yes we I mean we honestly thought that this was normal and so what happens my wife is she hit the nail on the head as a really good point is you know I'm busy you know trying to make enough money so I can sustain my home but then on top of that those few moments that I do have when I go to church I'm teaching because they put me up front very quickly they like the energy that I had and you know I had a lot of energy I was really believing this message and it was like super exciting to me I mean really when I was in the world so I'm loving this message so I'm going in and I'm presenting the Word of God So it was kind of in all honesty it was myself glorification moment I'm a high school dropout I of course into the world standard I'm a very ignorant person 7th Day Adventists I'm got me interested in reading books again and so I'm going through the books like lightning fast and my brain it was like a button was pressed or something all of a sudden my mind was able to to memorize things and understand things very quickly so when the elders and everybody saw that in a young man in the church they said we are going to capitalize on this brother so anything they could get me to do I was doing it and I did it gladly because I was like wow people are giving me attention they actually want to hear me speak something intelligent but all that time that almost every Sabbath I'm there teaching the Word of God to share with others or when is the night prayer meeting given testimonies or going out and doing Bible studies and building our network marketing business and working at the job during the day this precious woman was very lonely Well I absorbed myself in the children yet I absorb like they became my life. And that's all I knew to the point that when people try to watch my children like OWN let me take the children because I have 4 little ones let me take the children and give me a break I became sad when they weren't around I felt down because I'm like if you take them I had nothing to live for that's where my head was at at the time. And yet we're in the church they are quick fast make me a wide leader. You know because I started you know started eventually teach me about health and they made me a health and temperance leader and then they may be a personal ministries leader and they make me all these leaders and of course I don't know love significance and security so I began to find my significance in my preaching and teaching because when I would go home and my wife and I would talk you know it's like either she falls asleep on me or I was falling asleep on her because she was exhausted and I was exhausted and so when we were trying to vibrate each other we could barely even really vibe with each other and so sometimes my those moments would come where you felt like your greatest validation was when somebody was telling you how great you were a preacher or a teacher and so this is that kind of stuff this is how we started in our marriage and it had a very negative impact we're going to say something else on that I was going to say I found my value my significance my love in the children yet. There was no devotion. For me to say sporadic so the children became you know everything so when I was tired I wouldn't even it's just they were just constantly around constantly and so yeah so you know we've definitely did not start right there was a lot that we did not get right 1 of the reasons we're even doing our renewal in just about a month you know in a month with my wife and I up and Massachusetts we're going to go ahead and do a renewal of our wedding vows with each other again it's been 21 years and so we've learned a lot we've grown a lot mature a lot and will love each other a whole lot more the way God intended and then I'm telling you that thing is sweet and so what what we realize is we started so wrong that my wife proposed to me I don't know how many how many of you saw that youtube video where I proposed to my wife all over again last year OK just a few You're going to go look at that you know because I want to make it up because my wife is funny she went she went you know I learned you know you learn how to communicate with your spouse so I learned that my wife is a massive Gart you know she gently drop seeds. And so my wife and I'll just be talking sometimes so this is like a you know she says I sure do wish that you would have proposed to me. And I'll just be like OK I got that to change you know I make a little mental note and I've been looking for the opportunity like when can I do this proposal thing so I finally last year planned this whole repurposing thing and I had a whole plan set up but then something disrupted it which was open heart surgery you know I didn't expect that So nevertheless that whole thing happens if you don't know about the whole heart surgery thing you know I think we have a testimony about that on our audio verse or You Tube And when that whole thing passed we found ourselves over at the ministry because after going through all this you know heavy you know general anesthesia and all that stuff I wanted to do a nice general clinics all over my body just to do a little detox things of that nature and you know while we were there I said you know what I would do well here so I planned it with the children and if you go to youtube and I think if you type in like Duane Lemon proposes to his wife something like that you'll see it come up and she was totally clueless and then I think was fun I mean you know we just was able to I got on my knees and and I proposed to my wife and I asked her to re marry me and so this May 27th we're going to go ahead and do that again and for us it's really special because we are so not at the same place that we were when we 1st jumped this off when we 1st got started just listening to the few minutes of what we talked about you talking about a couple who had a low income we never even had a discussion on finances yet when we got married it was not even a point of the sky. And we have 4 children I. Didn't know anything about Adventists home it was given when my 1st born was. OK dedicated site and that was the 1st time I know they gave me Child Guidance so I don't even think we had at Venice home when we got madness home came years later and we were in Adventist Church and. Low income busy I mean you're talking about a really bad start and even people today who they probably planned much better than we did and they still have problems so you can imagine the drama we had to go and yet even starting this way we still thought it was normal. To me I'm just like I'm talking to you all the texts like wow that's just absolutely mind boggling Yeah yeah so and you know and the Lord just was gracious to us I mean we still had happy moments we had joyful moments I mean I could still see the picture gyrator brought suit when we pushed him on the swing indeed this had that little tutu smile that you know it's just like we had many moments where there was some smiles there was joy but we also can remember when there was some serious struggles and there were some serious challenges and we look back like that if we were tarred by the things that we share with people right now I mean we try our best to make it very well grounded counsel because we really believe that God can give us a little heaven on earth and I know that when you get beat up enough in this world you start to settle down you start to compromise but God does not want us to settle down he does not want us to compromise he wants us to keep the standards high and trust in His grace and power to lift us up to that standard and I believe that whatever God promised and I remember saying this a few years ago to my bride I said honey whatever God promised I want to. I said we're going to go and tell everybody that we are the modern day Israel of God If we're going to tell people that you know what all those promises God do to Israel belongs to his Israel today so God promised financial blessings I wanted God promised help I want it if God promised happiness I want it and every promise that is based on condition. And therefore we had to start really looking at that so when we look at our lives we realize you know what we messed up. We did not start this right. There was a lot of things that we did not do right and there was some suffering as a result of not doing it right but the reality is is that when you mess up the question is not so much floating all over your mess of the question is how do you fix it how do you get to that place that you can say Lord OK I am way out of the idea on the tape right now I don't know if you know I didn't know actually but when we read at Venice home. And when I read this thing about this strange turn the house band I was like What is that that's like some you know I just feel like they're so corny you know whatever I say you know what I read it I was like oh wow that makes a whole lot of sense that the husband was the by the family by and the members of the household together in Christ that's when I started saying wait a minute this is this is the and when I saw those 3 things that every husband is supposed to be the head of the household. The lawmaker and the priest when I saw that women are supposed to be a head a lawmaker and a priest I could look at myself as I am none of these things how do I become this. And so when my wife study queen of the household. She was thinking how do you do this and then when we got hit with Child Guidance my wife will tell you what what was the reality of when you started going to child I went to the chapter discipline because my children were so this obedient and I said you know I know it's wrong to just beat them so I'm going to go to counseling see what God says and how to deal with these kids so I went to that chapter as I went I just bypass all the chapters and I went to discipline thinking I was going to say you know take the rod and just and it was the whole chapter was a rebuke to the parents eyeball to eyeball I just couldn't believe it and this was the 1st time I really started to see how the behavior of our home was produced by our choices that they were actually innocent and it was a humbling experience I could say you know when I was growing up my mother was fairly indulgent with me and the reason why was because I was the youngest of 8 and but I was the only 1 born to her so my other 7 siblings when they were you know when they came as well they had a different mother the same father but different mother she died there my father met my mother they got married and then I was born so I was cheated kind of like special you know I'm saying because I'm the only 1 born of my mother's womb so as a result of that when you know I came into this what I found that you know I'd be failing in school by failing I mean I'm going to school and being a flat out. And yet out come home I still see like a brand new scooter you know I'm saying I really want to school at that time and so I still get a brand new school a couple of years later I'm feeling a school I'm not doing good actually you know I come home and my father used to play games with me my father was big into surprises. And so my dad promised to get me a car. And I'm in high school and I knew that today was the day I suppose to get a car so my father actually called the school and they did. A lemon please come the principal's office and I'm like and you know I'm thinking I'm in trouble so I go to the principal's office they're like you know your parents are calling for you so I speak to my dad he's like look son I'm sorry but you know I couldn't get the car for you I know you were looking forward to it couldn't get it you know sorry and I was just like. Cade you know whatever and I said I mean I'm just down so I'm walking home from school. And as I see my house from afar I remember I saw something red and I was like Wade and sure enough as I got close I was like Wade and as I got closer ties that you've gotta be kidding me it was my brand new candy apple red Chrysler Sundance. Run and it's just and I'm running home and my father sitting on the porch and he has the keys out with a smile on his face like a surprise and I was like 1 of the life I grab the keys jump in the car and I'm out and I go see my friends and continue to be an irresponsible knucklehead. I was literally rewarded at times I can look back in my life and say Man they should have never did that for me I was not worthy of at all and so the point is is that growing up now and seeing you know my mother sometimes blessed me even when I didn't deserve the blessings now I want to make sure I'm the opposite so I reflected more of my dad then my mother in my household in parenthood my father was a hard core strict taskmaster and he yelled a lot. And so if the children would cry and all these other things I would raise my voice you know what's wrong with you why you're doing this that and all these things and then they would look at me and. And I would cry even more because they're scared to death and so it was only when we were living at and Locust Grove when we were there that I remember going through the volumes to the 9 volumes and 1 of them was talking about every time you raise your voice where you are dealing with only 1 problem you just created 2 and when I read that I was just like oh I would have mercy and I pleaded with God Lord help me to never raise my voice at my children ever again by the way children from experience because I was a yeller as well. First of all God gave me the power as well as my husband to not yell or yell at our children I mean it was like an up and down like OK I'm sorry but after a while you actually it's possible that your children can get you can can challenge you and you not raise your voice it's very possible that's right. But we found that they were more obedient when we didn't yell than when we yelled at them they were actually. More submissive and we didn't we still discipline them but it wasn't with an iron fist That's right OK And so what happened is when we look back at our lives again we can see many areas where we messed up we just did not do it right part of it was we didn't know the other part of it was we knew but we allowed our circumstances to hit us so high that we just didn't care and we just acted on the flesh and in either case it created a tough atmosphere. And so when we got to a precious place we had to realize that OK how do we fix this God began to give us some very important counsels this is where I would highly recommend you have pen and paper out and especially your Bibles because I want to talk about real reasons Alexandra she wants to talk about real ways that you can fix up when you mess up because a lot of us did not start out right with thank the Lord we can finish right and so what honey was some of the principles that God began to show us as it relates to fixing up when you mess up please go ahead share with us 1 is you have to have a basis of establishing wrong from right and I'm sure if I asked you was that basis you're going to say the Bible yes the. So we're going to go to Matthew Chapter 4. And we're going to go to verse 4. Matthew Chapter 4 verse 4 and it. Says. But I am certain and said it is written men shall not live by bread alone but by every word that proceeded out of them out of God So I want you to notice that the 1st thing God wants us to understand is we must live by the word if you're going to fix up the things that went wrong in your home whatever it may be we have to go to the word the word of God must now be the guide for the home it's going to now be the instruction man and we're going to live by it we're not just going to read it we're going to study it and we're going to live by. When we begin to do this God can start providing the various breakthroughs that we need because now before we act we 1st go to the world and look for the evidence we're going to look for what does God say on the subject what is it like I showed you earlier today in the message isn't it amazing how the Bible answers on most perplexing questions I mean I don't care what the issue is the Bible has an answer all we've got to do is study to show ourself approved down to God So number 1 if you're going to fix things up we've got to get back to the word the word of God must be the basis for showing us right from wrong because so often as husbands and wives we talk about who's right and who's wrong but we're not comparing it to Scripture we're comparing it to society we're comparing it to trends we're comparing it to our own wisdom and our own understanding all of that has to be flushed we've got to get to the place the Word of God is going to be the guy if my wife does something where in the Word of God Can you substantiate or back up why you're doing it that way if I'm going to do it same thing somebody says that's very difficult that's going to make me study a lot Well it's about time you understand that it's about time because the whole reason why a lot of us are in the mess that we're in is because we stayed away from the Word of God we didn't let it be our guide but it's not only that go to someone 19 Let me show you this 1 some 1133 in some school 119133 I want you to see what the Bible says here beautiful 2nd witness and I want you to watch this every walk or journey we take in life is done 1 step at a time is that right step by step what does the Bible say in Psalm 1933 it says order my steps how. In your word every step we take must be according to the Word of God This was a new dynamic for us you know we always believed in the Bible you know certain doctrines state of the tithe and offering Sabbath etc But now we're letting the word guide our home and our interactions and how I respond to her and how she responds to me and how we pair parent our children etc That is when the Word of God became far more central to us and this is when I started discovering this is the strange lifestyle a lot of God's people don't live like this we don't live by the word I mean honestly how many of us before you buy an outfit you test it with the word how many of us before you eat food you test it with the word how many of us before you choose a house and where in the atmosphere of the environment you're going to live you test it with the word how many of us are actually choosing our children's education and testing it with the words some of us right now say Adventists education you need to understand stop so that stops using those terms so loosely it is possible to go to a school that calls themselves Adventists and teaches nothing 7th Day Adventists you can't just go by a title you have to look at the fruit like listen are you really teaching the principles of 70 Adventism are you just holding and may even God said in Isaiah not know Romans 9 in verse 6 Not all who say they are Israel are Israel so not everything that says 7th Day Adventists is 7th Day Adventists So a lot of times we're not testing things according to the word but this is how Jesus always wanted us to live and it is the best and safest way to live so God wanted us to begin to understand if you're going to fix up you got of the Word of God start telling you what's right you've got to let the Word of God start telling you what's wrong and you must put your faith in the Word of God and the Word of God Only you're going to live very weird if you start living like that. You know you know how we're going to look you can look like Jesus but you think about that because that's exactly how he lived he lived by every word that proceeded out of the mouth of his father he would not do anything else but what his father approved but it's not only this if we're going to know right from wrong right if we're going to know right from wrong the basis must be the Word of God That's how we're going to begin to fix up process the Word of God is now the standard no longer your thoughts no longer my thoughts no longer what my mother said no mark my father it doesn't matter if your father's a pastor with all due respect please it doesn't matter if your father is a pastor it doesn't matter if you have 500 generation as the 8 that means nothing I really mean that that does not mean anything because we need to understand people can practice something wrong for 40 years people can practice something wrong for 60 years and they become masters at doing the wrong thing so we cannot just let the credential of a pastor my By dad was a pastor so on the do it the way my dad did it is like no you do it the way the word of God says you understand that all right now in addition to that 1 of the 1st 2 we have this is the next this is a very important subject point to this lesson right here what is the point well looking at how God deals with his people yes right when you think about how God deals with his people this is when you really can know how to fix a marriage how you can 6 up when you mess up what is marriage is a symbol of the relationship between God and the church right if Eason's 532 this is a mystery but I speak of Christ and the church that's what Jesus said so when he said why is reference your husband's Husbands love your wives when he went through all of that he says In closing he says this is a mystery but I'm really speaking about Christ and the church so when you study the Bible. Read carefully how God dealt with the church. Look for the principles that God is teaching from those interactions with this people because this is how God practically shows us how to love the church as Christ did when God would have people that would rebel and rebel and rebel and yet he was still extend mercy he was still extend Grace he was still deal with them kindly and he would still be very patient when many of us would run out of patience God says that's a lesson that I want you to learn as you now make a new covenant with your wife no more yelling no more losing temper no more with no more withholding you're going to love never the less because that's what I did with a rebellious wife you know Jesus is the perfect example of a husband and a wife that you know that because in 1 respect the church is the bride and Christ is the husband but when Jesus was on earth he was a member of the church therefore he was part of the bride and he was serving the father who was like a husband to him so Jesus gave a demonstration of what it is to be a good wife Jesus gave a demonstration of what it is to be a good husband you can literally look at the example of Christ and you can see how our interactions with each other can improve So number 1 if we're going to fix up we must have a basis for stablish ing right from wrong what is that basis it is the Word of God This is now going forward how we are going to start to prep determining right from wrong in our home no longer what mom did what dad did what my uncles did everybody else we're going to let the Word of God guide our home now you know what that means that means that if you're lazy you gotta study how much time is this is the system are OK very good if you're lazy you've got to study and you've got to study hard OK. Next point you must acknowledge that you messed up and take full ownership even when you are done wrong in the process Amen Now what Tex Do we use for that 1 Jeremiah 3 so I had to read that Jeremiah 3 Verse $12.13 it says Go and proclaim these words towards the north and say we turn blacks backsliding Israel saith the Lord and I will not cause mining or to fall upon you for I am merciful saith the Lord and I will not keep anger forever only acknowledged on iniquity and out and that out has transgressed against the Lord thy God and has scattered ways to the strangers on the every green tree and you have not obeyed my voice saith the Lord so notice that God makes it clear once we let his word be the standard for right and wrong we study His word we watch how the marriage relationship between God and the church was working we will start seeing where we need to improve as husbands the wives will start to see where they need to improve as wives once we begin seeing where we're off the Bible says then acknowledge where you've messed up that acknowledgment must be twofold the 1st acknowledgement is your own mental acknowledgement you must see I messed up and you've got to take full ownership for it we've got to stop all this stuff well I would have done if it wasn't for you you know we've got to kill that it's like we gotta get to the place to say you know what a messed up a messed up acknowledge it in your own mind because that's what God says only acknowledge your iniquities just acknowledge it but then after that should there not be a confession to the person that we've offended so obviously that's phase 2 so in Phase 2 I confess what I have acknowledged not merely to my own self and God But I'm going to that person is saying listen I realize I was wrong. I realize I messed up and I'm asking for your forgiveness. This is very very powerful because too often we confess our sins with some that door excuses behind we've got a limited those excuses take full ownership for your actions if your wife goes in fits in your face and cuss you out you have only 1 responsibility respond as Jesus would because Jesus his wife spat his face Jesus is wife cursed him out Jesus his wife slapped him and put him on a cross that's what the church did to Christ and Jesus did not respond back with another slap and with another curse you understand that so so now we acknowledge we messed up and then we confess that to the offended part 1 of the steps after that well I'm going to continue but do you feel and see how important it is to stay connected to the power source like on a daily basis it's impossible to do this without God right all right. Second 1 is confession and seek forgiveness and be willing to forgive. And to forgive if take it for now this is something very interesting I don't know if you've ever read this before but. Go to Romans 3 very quickly with me I want to show you this time's running out here Romans Chapter 3 and I want you to watch this because we're talking about forgiveness you see when you confess ask for forgiveness we teach our children to do that it's not enough for them to just say I'm sorry but we tell them look your sibling in the eye and ask them Do you forgive me the reason we encourage them to do that is because once I say I forgive you I relinquish my rights to bring it back up to me. As a as a man of God and as a woman of God we relinquish our rights to bring it back. Once we say we have forgiven you understand that that's why it's so important to not just say I'm sorry because you could be like I'm sorry and that person just be like whatever and they kind of move on the issue is not settled and of course it leaves the door wide open to bring it back up at a later time but when I go to my wife and I say Honey listen I know I spoke out of turn I'm sorry about this Could you please forgive me when my wife looks me in the eyes and she says I forgive you God says Alexandra you do understand you relinquish all rights to bring it back up to doing and I don't throw it back in his face saying it was nothing like you never did yet it is now it's like I said my never did so when you confessed that wrongdoing and you ask for forgiveness what does God do with us Romans 3 I want you to watch this Romans 3 and verse 25. It says Well look at verse $24.25 it says being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus whom God has set forth to be a propitiation through faith in his blood to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that are passed through the forbearance of God question. What did God declare to those whose remissions or sins he has forgiven what God to clear to them his. The answer in the 1st open book test what did God declare to them for their remission of sins What do you give. He declared his righteousness Now watch this so what that means is that when God forgives us of our Since he declares all gives for us His righteousness in return. Are you following that So in other words to forgive it also includes giving something for that person. This is God's mindset so when God forgives us he gives for us His righteousness in return takes away our guilt gives us his righteousness in return we understand that was the lesson the lesson is very simple did we deserve that righteousness is that righteousness good yes so what God is teaching is that when we forgive somebody when we forgive our spouse we should allow God to work in our hearts that we're willing to give something for that spouse that they don't deserve which is your kindness which is your gentleness which is your willingness to help out may not deserve it but nevertheless we're giving it because of God's grace this is this is this is true forgiveness forgiveness is not only the taking away of the bad but it's giving for that person something good in return when God remitted our sins he gave his righteousness for us when we forgive somebody we should be willing to give for them our kindness our gentleness and treat them as if they never offended us that's powerful it's not a lot of marriages that function like that but the ones that do that's a picture of heaven. You understand that So these are lessons that God teaches us what else are we learning in this ascertain the cause getting to the root of the matter in Proverbs 26 verse 2 The Bible says as the bird by wondering and as the swallow by flying so the curse caused us shall not come the curse Proverbs $26.00 and verse 2 a curse does not come without a cause problems in our marriages don't come without a cause the mess ups don't come without a compass so when I let the Word of God be the standard when I let God's character be the standard When I acknowledge my wrongdoing and confess my wrongdoings and seek forgiveness and when you do forgive I want to find out what was it that caused me to do this in the 1st place so I can make sure that I don't repeat it so this is going to require some investigation why is it that I was doing the wrong things that I did towards my wife why is it that I was doing the wrong things that I did towards my husband These are the questions that we have to start asking ourselves dig deep and sometimes it might be deep. Some time this might be stuff going back to childhood that was never settled issues that was psychologically never settled and as a result of that if you don't get that cause taken care of that same problem will come back in just a new look or a new image you understand so what God is trying to show us is that when we're trying to fix up you got to have a standard you definitely need to have some acknowledgements and confession if you're on the offended side you need to forgive because of I was very clear if you don't forgive God will forgive you and that forgiveness I'm going to not only pardon you I'm going to give something for you that you don't deserve because I love you. But now I want to go ahead and start ascertaining the cause of what was it that caused me to go wrong some of us have been molested and abused as a child and we never dealt with those issues so as a result of that we bring it into our marriage and a certain times you might treat the spouse a certain way and that's a process question I had like man I don't even know where this is coming from I was wrong why are you talking to me like this why you yelling like this so we have to dig deep ascertain the cause find out what is it that went wrong and if you need counseling if you need help or whatever the case may be find out and address the issue so that way by God's grace the cure will be found in the cause you get that very important and what comes after that you've got to set up the guards and understand weaknesses after you understand what was your problem you must set up your guards and protect yourself from those weaknesses this is what Paul meant when he said Galatians 61 consider yourself lest you be tempted remember temptation is always to pull you down collation 6 in verse 1 consider yourself lest you be tempted family if you know that you got certain weaknesses you ascertain because ope there it is right there that's my weakness right there this is how I ended up bringing foolishness in my home. My mother sometimes used to wonder if my father was cheating 1 day I found out why it wasn't because dad was coming home and had strange women texting him because it wasn't even any text messages during those days what was the reason why my mother was wondering if my father was cheating it was because she kept watching All My Children. The Young and The Restless she was watching all these soap operas and in those soap operas Mary is sleeping with Bob and suicide even with Jonathan and everybody is like soft pornography. And literally so my mother's watching all these people cheat know each other so 1 day she suspects my father's cheating on her are so Mom if you want to overcome giving dad a hard time when he's like look on Facebook Why don't you stop watching those things that's causing these undue suspicions to come in your mind you get that in like manner set up the guard once you identify what caused you to act the way you acted in your marriage that's when you want to go ahead and say you know what let's start setting up guards guard posts things that I can keep myself and protect my mind from falling into the same death traps of sin again you've got to identify and then set up the appropriate guards God teaches us to do this good out Peter says the longings of your mind God the avenues of your soul watch what you put in front of your eyes watch what you put in your ears watch what you put even in front of your nose definitely watch what you put from your mouth and you better believe the need to watch what you touch and watch who you associate with and. Watch who you associate with there are some people in our lives that are toxic. You gotta get to that precious place say look I need only surround myself with an atmosphere of encouragement and uplifting so that way we can have a happy back. Finally be intentional and be resolved trust in the Lord all that do you remember the 1st that we have to set up the guards Yes that was a verse I was so much extra but it was that song. 18 want to say oh man it was it was a really good verse of the result. Well I don't recall the forgive me for that family was the very 1st it was in Saddam's 2 but nevertheless the key is that you've got to be intentional you've got to be deliberate in saying I will have a happy marriage I'm going to do everything possible to endure I'm going to do everything possible to stay focused to the covenant that I'm renewing with my wife over a new ink with my husband and I will not turn neither to the right hand nor to the left I'm going to press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling and as you do that you've got to be intentional I when I came out of heart surgery I had to be intentional they told me they said Mr Lemon if you do not exercise you are going to get blood clots and you can get a heart attack or stroke that's what they said to me day to day 1 is the day of surgery the next day at the surgery they were like All right got to get out of bed and walk Mr Lemon and I'm drained I mean my body just went through like that almost the worst trauma a body can go through and after they went through that stuff I was like you think I feel like walking right now I was like I want to stay in my bed give me another pill or something and I just make this pain go away they said Mr Lemon if you don't walk and get a blood clot I was like move over let me get out this been. Started walking tubes coming out of me and everything and I'm just walking. But what I do I was doing that because then God gave me some good nurses. God give me a wonderful news that brother he was like a moment in the movie just going to walk around like right let's do it and we walked around the whole ward and when I'm ready to go back to my room he says I want you to walk a little bit more I come on man I'll feel like walking like now come on this walk a little bit more and I was like All right so we walked a little bit more and we got to a certain wall and he was cycling are you good and because I thought it was the end I'll him and I'm good I feel pretty good he says very good boom and he hits a button the doors open. Long corridor. And he's like let's go down here and I'm just like this but you know whatever. But what they did do it got me out of the hospital after 4 days and my wife will tell you there were times that I had to put my coat on because it was a little chilly in California where we were and when they all get food together I was like look I got to go walk and I had to walk and I had to walk I drop down I was down to about 147 pounds of 48 and I had to walk and can you imagine created my own route and the door in the parking lot and I was just like all right I will go up here 1st and then I will go back down again it will go around here Devon and I did it for 30 minutes straight fresh out of surgery I've been doing that consistently working out consistently over this past year and a half. I'm officially 164 pounds I got all my weight back stronger than ever they checked my heart my heart is doing great I feel incredibly fan aspect and I look back at it and God just said Wayne remember desired ages 822-2824 health is the reward following my lines of you follow God's laws I hope you get the reward and so here it is that intentional that's how you got to be with your marriage you've got to say look OK we messed up but now it's time to fix up we've made our new covenants we understand a set of the guards now it's time to be intentional. The intention will be passive be aggressive towards your goals I'm going to show my women I'm asleep my wife of her feet I'm going to show her what love is like she never saw before I'm going to show my husband what it is that said Are you start doing that then when you're intentional you don't hit your goals because these are godly goals and God really wants us to love our wives as Christ loved the church and he wants those wives to reference their husbands of the church as the reference Christ you said goals that are according to the will of God all heaven backs you up. Anything else. And no there's 1 more really. Trust Oh yeah. Sure us trust God through this process remember. That if we sin we have an Advocate with the Father Jesus Christ the right to us and the same way that if we fall God is prepared to pick us back up if our spouses fall don't say See I knew it I knew you were a genuine I know you would think how many times have husbands and wives done that I knew it I knew you were going to fast saw it coming Also while you was watching me mess up. And it turns into a nasty argument God says not don't do that if your spouse falls have compassion Matthew 9 What is it 353637 Jesus saw it he said he is he saw the flock of God of these looked at them and he was moved with compassion you got to learn how to be moved with compassion when you see your wife being weak you got to know how to be moved with compassion when you see your husband being weak if you can see your spouse's Chinee and putting forth the effort don't knock them down that is something that spouses are proverbial for we when the husband finally says OK I'm going to do right by the grace of God I'm going to put forth effort and then that husband goes ahead and try something nice and because the wife is like. The husband says Honey. You look very beautiful today. Because of what I said yesterday you know the husband has to get. Back to where. It might not work. So when the husband goes to the white even if he's not used to compliment because women love to be complimented by their husbands so if you go to your wife and you say honey he is a very nice and you know it is there you go but. He's in. And courage the head they'll say well it's about time I mean maybe never said to me that like for months but now you finally say don't look good on this like don't do that don't rush it don't care if your husband puts forth the effort to say Honey I just want you to know I think you are beautiful I understand you like this 1st time he said 5 months 5 years but but don't go there just be like you know what I appreciate you taking the time as part of that being intention. But I want to also trust. Because sometimes I love to say that both husband and wives do it together at the same time but it usually doesn't work like that usually 1 spouse has taken the lead and has to help bring the other spouse so that means that sometimes the wife is going to be the 1 with the determination and the intentions and all of that and the husband is moving slow and not catching up and wife he might get a little upset about some things and be like this brother's moving too slow I wish he would catch up that's what we have to trust God. Keep doing what the Lord tells us to do persevered intention and vice versa this is not an end all be all you know of how to fix up please I hope you understand that but I believe that these are some key things that are very foundation. If we're going to fix up you got to have a standard for right and wrong. When you search the Bible look especially for the examples of the interactions between God and His people you're watching a marriage you're studying a marriage after that remember that as you see inconsistency is in your life and character acknowledges since and knowledge where you mess it up and as you acknowledge that meant to be an accepted for you 1st then go to your spouse and let them know what you acknowledge you know what I see that I messed up I see that I have not been a loving wife I've been you know you know let's be honest. You know sometimes when the husband gets really busy does a lot of things and neglects the wife. Is something that typically 1st goes immediately out the window and that is intimacy intimacy because it's hard to be intimate when you are angry bitter and resentful it's hard to do that. Women are very emotional guys don't need a whole lot to get turned on but wives of course you know whole lot more and they deserve it and so sometimes there's a miscommunication you know the brothers expect the wires to be like them you know come on just push a button let's go and it doesn't work like that and so what has to happen is we got to understand each other and understand each other's language and they're going to be times that when you're in the phase of fix up that sometimes there's a give and take on both sides husbands are going to have to learn that you know what my wife just wants to talk I need to feel myself that I can just talk to her and therefore in his mind he may say Man I wish we could be doing some other things but nevertheless we got to go and meet halfway so you know what was on your mind how you do it how was your day literally sit down look him in the eyes not with a phone in your hand then at the same time and not on the computer you know just unadulterated And as you're talking to the bride or what have you back you begin to speak her language in like manner the wives and the wives come along. There's going to be a time the wife is going to say you know what he may not deserve or maybe she doesn't feel like it but at the same time there can be a meeting halfway on that angle as well the bottom line is the goal is that we're helping each other get to the ideal and by God's grace we will get to the idea of you have any closing thoughts no just to repeat what you said I was thinking about that part with. Meeting halfway typically we you know in dealing with men your husband in intimacy is we put that last we say all the children overboard Instead we should prioritize around our spouses putting them ahead of everything else and eventually making that happen and not exerting all your energy throughout the day that you need to have anything left for when your husband comes home and when I get not just limiting it to intimacy it's just the idea of interaction in general the bottom line is that if we let the Word of God be our guide. The Lord can help us solve a lot of these problems that exist and through submission and my wife has a quotation I don't know if you still have it the 5 minutes do you still have back I do with. Forgot the book early writing page 119 paragraph 1 paragraph 1 I want you to listen to this as we close out of the session. Early writings. Page 119. 1. All right you know here it is I'm going to read and listen to this early reading to 190 paragraph is that 109-191-1000 paragraph 1 yet when 90. If pride and selfishness were laid aside 5 minutes would remove most difficulties so listen to that simple if cry. And selfishness were laid aside 5 minutes would remove most difficulties that ties right back into our 11 o'clock hour of us cry pride and selfishness decide 5 minutes is pretty short 5 minute it just says right here but of course is dealing with it says if pride and selfishness were laid aside 5 minutes would remove most difficulties when we let God take away that pride take away that selfishness and we address things in the manner of Christ that's what I'm saying right now the counsels that we're sharing may or may not sound very powerful to you but the power is not in the sound of it the power is in the doing of lesser of the DO is of the word I challenge any of you do it if you do these things the acknowledgements let in the Word of God guide you confessing setting up the guards being intentional trusting if we allow these elements to exist in our walk with the Lord you will see God give us some powerful victories even in our marriages and a lot of those mess ups will finally be fixed and so my hope and prayer is that we can take something from these little gems put it into faithful practice and begin to experience the power of the gospel to renew and to revive many of our marriages Amen Amen that's great as far as forward of prayer Father in heaven we are so grateful Lord for the blessing of studying with our family and being able to look to your guidance for these wonderful counsels from your Word Help us to realize the power and the blessing is in the doing of it not merely the hearing. And may you truly bring about over 5 fold and many of our marriages that we will experience even a little heaven on earth is obvious we ask Jesus in. This media was brought to you by audio verse a website dedicated to spreading God's word through free sermon audio and much more if you would like to know more about audio verse if you would like to listen to more sermon leave a Visit W W W audio verse or.

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