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Christian Conflict Management Principles, Part 1

Gayle Clark

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Gayle Clark

President and CEO of Miracle Meadows School

 

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Recorded

  • October 10, 2009
    2:00 PM
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him this will take a few minutes right now to invite your spirit here I thank you for the interesting and this particular topic landlord it is my goal not only do have is founded on Bible principles but also to have a very practical and I prayed that your will be worked in that vein because I believe you wanted to know how to apply things that we learned tonight and I just ask you to guide him in Jesus name amen as I mentioned to you that at the end of this session we have I think up to twenty of the DVDs if you don't plan to be at the booths tonight and then it would be really think helpful if you wanted to pick one up if you'd like to have a copy from our previous data the same thing in his first first first of we produce our studio so in don't look at it as a professional jobs that she involves students from two schools high schools and my husband her display not do this okay him now I'm thankful that I'm here because I am sharing stuff with you that I actually learned in a secular world in the secular world in secular settings came back to the Bible and found where they were in the Scriptures you know when the blinders on ourselves and we don't always see things the way that they really aren't that we get an intervention from some other some other angle finally getting this one introduction and it comes from Luke two fifty two foundations to have your Bibles you're welcome to look at it if not were going to reading together some e-mail marketing you can say it with me and I haven't got here yet but I'm just saying to you and Jesus increased in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man have you ever found a Farnham is an actual is really a matter of how we often asked what did Jesus do have a hot e.g. his girl Friday increasing and well I share with you is that he increased in four dimensions typically we think of body mind and soul for the body spirit and soul or whatever but that Jesus Arena for dimensional way the church and the church really is we had been good at the mental we have established and have the largest private school system in the world but believe me the Catholics and all missionaries and people when they go into areas they start school children people have to really read the Bible right are smart enough to know that the spiritual domain conversion part of Christianity does not teach people how to read and write intentionally teach that we intentionally teach mathematics in all of these things and how to use computers we would say to someone wondering if you can read you just pray you get converted now take that right and say what the physical domain as the denomination as a church we have essentially led out in a help message and again both presented kinds of institutions as well as healing and institution were the only life we all know that Baptists and Catholics Episcopalians and everybody has hospitals and clinics in things they believe in the body and taking care of the body and is really important we tell people not to do no one to take their little thread of fate I run into that can go to a doctor 's a breach if they have to for us as a church we don't say the converted and God will take care of your duties okay Bernie and you are out to eat healthily and just happen intentionally shabby things were unintentionally changed according him so we have intentional and the same spiritual of course we have parcels evangelism our Bible courses in our colleges and are and you are even Angela taken church I sounds the lesson we're intentionally teaching to the social domain allows domain which is in favor with the man as a church has many churches even if we had not intentionally talk to us we all recognize that the reason people leave the church many times because of social hurt we know that we had dysfunction in our families and our organizations are schools the pain may times comes a social learning and what are our group is doing is trying to address and more intentionally seems in the social domains and that's what you're here for me as they were starting out with Christian conflict resolution they wanted to be Bible resolved and Bible -based cannot wear what we want our goal is here the foundation I would like to say to you when it comes to conflict that there has been there are several ways that people deal with conflict in a glade they made in line with seas which make them easy to understand they are coworkers capitulation from eyes will existence and consensus consensus is no losers all winners and we're going to cover that today okay so where did they summon a student that is going to illustrate that these different wines and it since he has four friends get together to go out once a month to a restaurant and get one of these friends have an allergy to MSG set limits what restaurants hate Michigan got it and this is illustration him adulation him him now though and I is will and and and and and and to think that voting is a form of coercion there are winners and losers and you can get pretty emotionally and valued idea conflict and with the outcome of certain votes cancel elections and what all is so that this is how they solve this and every time you go into a board meeting or anything and you take about nice people who are voting against it but the majority carries you how he got engaged in coercion because there's winners and losers in the majority rule and minority news that's okay now it's a capitulation capitulation as you do that because it's not worth the fight right him Yahoo! News anywhere in the laser winners families are far I thought maybe really sit down my tower to find the next languages compromise and come my way on you compromise as a good resolution the committee thank you don't get yourself into a compromising situation so you know and have components not such good things that we might a lot to try out we came to the compromise and only when that compromise means we won some and we lost some of all parties have winning components and all parties have losing components collecting self a him why he is in you and I and you and you and is in your mail to one some along so a compromise maybe he wanted to the Chinese it hadn't done that before but they're giving and so they can get her to calm so she won't be sick and yet they're not getting to do it they really really wanted to do which was do something totally different right now is coexistence lately and I'm a bit of the skin and in Europe Anaheim Italian wife and mother went to the gals just got together and help me do this for this talk I was an outlet centers and the sheet when she learned coexistent she sad all my coexistence is him and we cannot tell you what it him I am burnt out a whole lot marriage is an long-term relationships and in offices and businesses so watch it and the how and how it becomes and this is when you cannot reinstall it so you go your ways okay him and him and in him and it doesn't enter Mary Baxter and the server tries a dragged into burnout all the social activities and afterwards miserable write a resume how I tried the other when the same home and they wanted me out to the one eventually after a period of time due to the externality and diversity coexistence okay now I'll be okay we would reach consensus and everything which is win-win we can't we should work for you which is always ten so what we do is use these different tactics for what I want to say to you is this stage you find a particular timekeeping use pretty consistently one person is doing all that capitulating for all the coercion far whatever it is that in the count it's a red flag it's become sort in a not so and not winning and coexistence we do the coexistence on things because we have a classroom deep values in Bath and family experiences we just can't come to a meeting in the mind but the more coexistent you see him in a relationship in the right and you're leaving that reset heard someone say well we live in the same house that is about it whenever people say never seen it called coexistence and that is a dangerous time of existence and how the people solve their conflicts and they know how else to do it ordinary consensus of the wind model every body when it's once again I want to say to you that this was taught to me in a secular environment meetings consensus model is so valued in the corporate world that when I sent to payday mighty mouse with the titles of our are topics I need your e-mail comes through with little advertisements that are linked from the words you use in your life this e-mail at home I meant to bring it is still sitting there by my neck and suitcase but basically here are some that were tagged and came up global all afternoon training him Dale Carnegie conflict management courses things management conflict resolution strategies it was to me I know that the court world spends a lot of time and money learning how to reach consensus in you have been trained in consensus a senior hands how many of you have been trained in consensus can not think that the peaceable win-win method consensus should characterize Christians believe me the godless world pays big money for it okay to go through that model as soon as we see it here and update management that restaurants get that set him and felt him him again and again in the first part off and is is is is is is is is he I know he is in and is and will is in him a him a him a will is in and in Missouri and that nobody now I want to linger exciting learn the steps in win-win in a secular environment for the name of God was not mentioned and then one day I went reading the Bible when I tell you when I say the chapter of Daniel why we think of as no one is standing for the guy in which is ninety and I helping you never are isolated at again turned it down all this thinking found in Daniel one series learn in secular education program I think he will he had been such a negotiator that he knew how to go to win when you select Daniel and we will go through the steps here and at the very end wealthy a video we have time to time we may have to sit at the latest on the DVD to get the DVD which we have a few it can be at the boost tonight don't take a beating as one American warrant that you don't think you need this tonight and you wanted DVD you can pick it up there at the end okay well first he says it's the right time place and move I think all of us and by the way and Daniel one Rita asked him and I brought Daniel into the favoring goodwill and achievement of the UNIX him tried as short as we start a few minutes like fifteen minutes like that one engineers and are now you're a parent you come home and your teenage son has watched the car in detail the test article are likely to wonder what's going on there and you will and will will petition to explain to go away when you know that they had in the nineteen thousand thirty this morning on a person 's been home educate a sign anything I can do you think and what do they want to see you and will endanger that there will does not get into much trouble right right so instinctively know how to find favor if we're proud to ask for something being time we instinctively know that he had and so and when clinicians get together they burying the same consensus shopping corporations together there you know we hear this wine and dine the lobbyist take our politicians really try to smooth him all over and another after something that going to try will assist in developing screensaver something now it's her shaking down a great teenager all around helping out and you're not having just because you did that's right and that was Daniel situation will favor you found greater and therefore he was in a position where he could negotiate right another state your position clearly Daniel one eight minutes read it got Danielle Danielle I purposed in his heart that he would not devalue himself with a portion of the king 's delicacies with the wine when she drank for he requested of the chief of the Annex that he might not defile himself in Daniel and did not want to think and not be happening is the king was defining in his mind he was contrite his idea of cleanliness are cleanly things she did not want to do file himself right handed purpose in his heart that he was nominated as so Daniel stated his position real clearly want to tell you something you cannot have winners get everybody's position is not now and the first thing you have to do is state your position you know people will come and announce a hearing in this guys went through new consents and your roommate your best friend your housecleaning whatever he confessed to your spouse or family member conference room is bothering you now nothing stronger than he believes him now because we look at nonverbal visit verbals more importantly write and work in China to find out what's wrong with somebody and if you're setting the tone you want to go in and day your position right away so part of the bargaining is clear right now is find out they needed the other person is a staff that corporations and nations don't skip if they're doing consensus reading the step that we as individuals do skip all the time because we're concerned about our need to operational actually send people to study important to be of a corporation that there can be negotiating with so what relations may want to make a winner of the other nation can you give me a reason why they would want the other nation the compound of the negotiation any other corporation see Michael winner him him or I think of what every category this is what somebody was know to always come out on top and the other party to come out second best something gently and sell your car there was no better study this into something charging too much for something hated to her three times guess what you are doing business with that person now the only way you want to go back into business is if you feel like the ones that you come out a winner and selling in the corporations are about to do all kinds of relationships they need to make sure that their winners and superstars with Christians go he should also be interested in making winners and living peaceably with one another okay so this year is very important to find out what the need of the other person as that is in Daniel one ten and that she e-learning 's second annual I fear I will be keen to have your food and drink her face is looking worse in the young men who are here and then you would endanger my head before the game so what is the real meat of it at the cheapening things they want to keep living you need anything you want to see these guys that they what's wrong with them while they don't need off the table your honor and well you've narrowed down on your system you don't happen appeal process so he had a very serious and I understood this he believed them he knew he'd hit real thing okay that is to brainstorm storm alternatives and I this is the one that is why Simpson that illustrate consensus quite as good as what we're going to write illustrate it would you kindly give you a reason and realized that while she had help you understand that him me brainstorming meetings anybody ever participate in brainstorming is the key element to brainstorming makes it brainstorming and having visible and him talking and turning but how do you do that you need to say to you there is absolutely any idea when it's given him time to work for a company here in person and in the company there was a small round with all white board and it had that white board cancels the site at one all around it anyways nobody occupied that room and making in a wrote their ideas all through the day of the week and once a week they gathered their lineup and now you want somebody came up with an idea and somebody said that the winner would that be a bad seeing him healthy and essentially even in our churches and our families human person is a little shy to speak they're not as comfortable expressing their opinions when you start shooting down other people 's ideas and Oracle we tried that before he even with your nonverbal warrior in a you know speak out the words you can evaluation you think that winning idea and the winning idea is seen in the heart of somebody who is not NSB ideas are being shot down for evaluated and was recently got the winner because when I get my idea they've already picked their winner him him him so true brainstorming and remembering your partner in a brainstorming meeting George and the job of the leader to make sure everybody knows ahead time I know facial expressions nose grinds her smiles or whatever we do not evaluate these ideas company had a quiet room where you can go in right because nobody was there to smile and frown at right hadn't batted after brainstorming answers really hard to do because even when the students were practicing it was occasional student at Saint don't you know you don't do now I brainstorm okay let's look at what you did get him and that is found in verses eleven thirteen said the Stewart will achieve communion etc. Michelle Azariah asked her students for ten days to let them give its vegetables to eat and water to drink her appearance examined before you and the appearance of the young man who eat the portion of the king 's delicacies and as you see fit so deal with their servants okay brainstorming Daniel came up with a winning idea right away we need an example I'm a mother with a high school student he's now the ninth grade I i.e. has been going to dad at eight thirty four may be a nine o'clock all middle school because I really believe in that kind of midnight right and basically he decided down let's say I'm on the neatest and my name is Janet decided that I want to get a ten o'clock curfew one I'm getting it a lot more homework than I need more time tonight so I'm thinking I'm now long as I can stay up I will have a nice day off until ten o'clock in the first it comes to my mind is oh my I know what she's can say she has become a drag me out of bed every morning now I know she's been a say in another hour to get you out of bed now so I go to work on when answer that issue when answer it cannot and can take time to asking why the ideas that were sincere manuals shortly outside late and understanding the view that the winning idea at least every parent I'd ask my best scores attendance at and parenting seminars would you think this is an winning I began I thought we have yet to run into the first Panthers had no way he is mommy says mom luck finding talked about something she's relaxed it's a good idea at the time good place to dance he says real dairy my heart she now I'd better being in bad lights out at nine o'clock sense you know wanting and I'm not coming along your mom and you know I like to get good grades and that was true about Jim and I'm just not getting it down by nine aside like to take a proposal to you and that proposal is that I can stay up to ten a copy just before you say no I want to say this I know you have to drag me out of bed every morning as I like to put this part of the bargain I will set the alarm clock dynamite had a long cock in my seats are like I've got to learn to get myself up and I will get myself up in the morning and here's the thing if I have three times minus the first two I get Grace R I get myself up again to come in after the alarm clock to try and second grace the third time I go back to my nine o'clock curfew my iPod bedtime anybody here parent handling guide at him and you fire him home I cannot anymore they are to win him to do it he was a wee house is getting more time to study outlining and great handling them in the morning we went hanging proposal because he spent time thinking we need to brainstorm anything more than five okay she didn't hide my hair when we go back to the other consequences about them so when winning and you can do anything know the other person well otherwise you need a clear group of multiple people you need to be ready to brainstorm okay so that's what it was the next step five is choose the best alternative and that is found in verse fourteen so he consented with them in this matter that's the cheapest UNIX and Tampa than ten days it seems that was a steward the chief steward found and so that they he said okay this is a good alternative I'm glad I'm when you're winning right now set a date for evaluation this is twelve and fourteen after service or ten days and let them give us that smells okay so he went to be hurting setting a date in the early powerful you already know a change anything you think you know it's kind evaluation point I went to high school staff brought a all and alternate to the minimum modification of the current schedule with vacation time off and all that stuff in and minute with some administrators are really about that and then finally I said we try from for two months I think we may need immediate for two months maybe even and they said and it ended time if it's not working currently the revising will go back to the old schedule and made everybody said we can win without there's something setting a date and if you set a date for any radical change or any significant change him or maybe more people buying in that if you don't need to say we wanted it this way this may really do they think they know and it doesn't go well right and you know you will and one thing building and making them is recording the word and I think I'm just about that okay PS to correct the consequences don't have to be set at the conference and I wanted to take a good look at them he said to her parents be examined in verse thirteen hundred parents of the young men who eat the portion of the king 's delicacies and as you see fit so deal with your sermons on this wisdom is that okay if the staff because it is hardly what they been eaten to stop whittling down the only purposes companies are the ever go about doing it again on the reeling in height for using him to undergo this the next was that willingly lose his hat over this guy 's purpose for the authority on errors in the situation with the chief avionics down clearly you might not write him so he can do everything sometimes we as Christians we get too far and wide and we don't hand is when I'm in again and anyway right handling a strong hope that the consensus is that you look at us and do as you see fit he didn't say to you what you think that Dina Honda respond that right was very diplomatic she didn't destroy the part of the process by getting out of college with or him many times let's get right in there and get adversarial ice staking our ground and holding it out and we just kind I fuse all the good to why young man no wonder he spanned many kingdoms okay sometimes the consequences with discussing the children you have to do that but sometimes even with groups of adults in the last is evaluate and proceed with adjustments okay and here they are in verses fifteen sixteen hundred and ten days features appeared better and aberrant than all the young man who ate the portion of the king 's delicacies the steward took away their portion of delicacies and the wine that they were to drink and he gave them tuples like the chief Stuart a winner for outstanding young man was Daniel his friends when he was a consensus model and involved all winners will doubt that I learned in a secular environment are here and annually is not often as I don't look at Daniel anymore about just being a help message it's a wonderful model and negotiating win-win and I hope and pray that when you sit in business meetings in class meetings and stuff like that that you given an effort to use it now we are out of time we get the students have dined there picking their school colors in a short skit we can show I think you need to get up and go feel free to do so because technically this class is over half had in you we have a ten minute break but if you want to see them all done you're welcome to stay and see it is you need to go somewhere else to another top pick up a DVD you'll see it on the DVD work and show it here on the screen him a him a him him him to him he is as is will him to him romantically just watching and him and him and I him and him and gets not one in a very him him him a studio version of this is that they forget are many mistakes we are learning how to do that we have students were working with as well as ourselves I can't do there okay and if you wanted a DVD on the consensus model you can get it is often any DVD over fogging I will well you know we're basically doing these things live so that we can help you in understanding how this works out anymore real way in the you are him him I him and him and him and him and him and him and he he is coming in under twenty eight she and him and he is him him to him and started on this one him atop my husband not only does it anyway and be here by work out and so I can be doing is talk him down I don't have it down quite as good as he got the content I don't approach the same way he does I think we can get you the skill taught here as we as we go ahead so I wanted to staff down to be with the simply father in heaven thank you so much for the opportunity to be here with these wonderful people live and yet Lord I just asked that you'll speak through me that not only will they sense the Bible basis for this scale but also to be able to learn something to practically apply in their lives I asked this in your name amen okay two being here and they are my accountability partners and helpers you know what in the nice things about Europe having grown kids is that the nutrient 's change places and I spent their childhood has been my teaching down and now they are teaching us sell my Guinness were learning so much from our kids and it's really exciting so Lisa somebody number she's Doctor Geller in the my daughter Barbara she's a social worker and him and caseworker and got both of them graduated from your one time I think we had four girls are doing something like that all four of them attended only three at one time and that's enough for him to say again those of you who were here before you can ignore this part for those of you who were not it's a really important part to me him out as fast as I look at how Jesus grew up I looked in Luke two fifty two year member Jesus grew in a growing lot with them and in stature and in favor with God and in favorite band at the four dimensional growth compared to the Old Testament Hebrew such as a triangle this is for domains and as I shared earlier for some of you not only our church but most churches actually have been very good at meeting the mental domain wisdom they whenever they go into areas they start schools people need to know how to read in order to access the Bible rightly today modern times and even in the old Hebrew times and so the schools were established by school many are being universities like Harvard and gamblers were church efforts so we know as churches that just because you're converting just because you put this up and people have an attitude that beauty to your life right with God takes care of everything that we don't believe that really because we teach our kids mathematics and reading and writing and we have school system to do that we know the conversion does not teach you how to read okay we know the conversion doesn't necessarily solve your out allergy or teach you how to cook a healthy meal for ten to take the earlier body system is that we teach that intentionally we also teach the spiritual domain intentionally we have schools that teach Bible and all its ramifications we have schools short-term schools are teaching in journalism and get people out to do evangelism schools evangelism so we know conversion doesn't get all the even spiritual learning that we need to do we need intentional teaching traditionally in our church and those of us who are older are more awareness there what a social problem is when a person came to church and sad I think my kid is doing drugs the only response you knew was to pray right now for my husband I think is developing a relationship for my why I believe is she doesn't love me anymore for brother let's just pray about it and close to God to take care that we not intensively to the social domain and this is what our ministry is about what the media ministry by how we are really focusing on the social domain at the special interests and not you can leave your e-mail address and as we produce we have about twenty eight topics that we know right now were to be producing that have everything to do with how Xbox control your behaviors and what to do about bringing about the captivity and has to do with broken trials rebuilding broken trust being asserted holding their own against pressure to hold down might have a social life and inherent in these things let us know and we will let you know what we have now as a producer Kent added out and I think that you can lean on that lead out there your e-mail or come to our booth and then collecting e-mail addresses to did talk about the trail some answer turns away wrath people think that scientists have you ever been net with silence that did not turn away your anger okay so you know that certain outward and get right to know that it had stopped going to start with this gets him and and and I haven't reviewed these well there are things my husband so I don't run the rights to air him older sister who had been driving younger sister to school and is not now even if she said to her dad and go off and leave her father said he I nearly as your car privileges is there on the work already so the older sister is trying to get the younger sister is constantly late to school to get a little synopsis here and having raised four daughters and two sons I would say that is not unusual thing that could've happened in our house right right first thing that we think about when the armed time with a put down our criticism and history defending ourselves and goes back and forth like when she's bad you know you are the slowest person I know the other person 's shock him with eight with basically upholds Oregon or is that you don't know anybody thinking new people you know you can normalize and then the other ones that you know will you need it back and forth something that has been no some antenna turns away wrath is an instinct of our own nature there is a statement has been quite a lot from this very probably this is dissenting this essentially five how were our built-in I like to take you to John the first chapter is still time that designs the first chapter if you have your Bibles the listing will read it here okay this is about the word in the beginning was the Word and the Word was not God and all the best and sad that annual is life and life was the light a man and the light shines in the darkness and the darkness did not comprehend it and basically we learn that God taken John three verses nineteen and twenty one as well clarifies that John talks about this and this is the condemnation that the light has come into the world and men loved darkness rather than light because their deeds were evil for everyone practicing evil hates the light shined the light lest his deeds should be exposed and he do doubt that your comes alike indeed may be clearly seen that they have been dying God in other words when we are lingering on defense it were okay with people shining light on us right and we look at our deeds are they straight with God or are they know we are in a modality of personal growth we are seeking accountability and that is what blogging is all about not interesting and once again we learn fogging that were nine years and years ago and recently I got hold of the book it was in the box of books of one of my daughters call when I say no I feel guilty and you and I discovered that this was the guy who came up with Bobby he tells the story of how he was assigned to come up with certain things of clients he was working with anything and I I asked him and came up with this response yes his graduate students all started labeling fogging the corresponding is going to all around you can read about all kinds of books now had a common technique and the city is a technique that is turns out to be the soft answer is just amazing now the reason it corresponding to a picture of the father Ryan you don't cut it we had one of the DVD a picture of fog picture the mountains at the fog and acting all around you the thought and if you go out there and hit Bob strike back or take a sword or anything like doing it on just a second ago now giving it back and that's why they call funding it is it's just really it makes a size saw cancer today and you know some I counsel for us in first Peter two twenty three let's look at that when tales and read what is this one says first Peter two twenty three and it says hello this is Christ when he was reviled did not rebound term in return okay him so and it says that I prefer to not revile it I read to get it back but here's what I have found that the town is being held into my in me is to give it back that I found the choleric temperament so I like a good fight right now or at least I don't run from him to communicate on a little humorous here my husband at one time were attending classes in the way they bring me back to vessel started out as a bit appear not because I'm an expert my husband and I grew up in families single mother families battling guilt and some other rather dysfunctional ways of handling kids were used and we need everything a good marriage know who no doubt in either home and so we began to scramble when we got together been trying to learn how to improve how to grow and change and the very things that we teach you about our many times areas that are weaknesses that we had to learn standing we don't stand up in it as a person who's next for where light has my husband says one beggar telling another beggar where to go for broadcast right shelf we had to learn the things we run a school he founded a school we don't run anymore for at risk youth kids whose parents have lost control of them and it's called American at a school and a whole social domain grew out of that right because a lot of these kids the Bible has a principle is has overcome evil with good so you can tell a kid don't act this way but replace it with something else right and so this was our effort I can know don't get defensive down when somebody puts you down if I haven't worked on learning a replacement it's so much easier for me to get defensive right conditions and all we're doing is sharing with you from God 's Word and from practical skills how to replace some things you don't particularly like do I always do this I've got two people here who can tell you I don't think I'm going into a situation where I thought about it I do quite well if I'm broadsided my carnal nature clicks and I'm mopping up afterwards and you know what I told you to remind me out in the seminar one time about temperaments can be stronger and introvert temperaments to be on information without the extra Berbers of the enter or were described as eternal and is now my husband has an extroverted and ninety and strong traits of the turtle because he is also probably more know for his phlegmatic easy-going people at any price temperament than anything else and he is a peek at any price and outstanding blogger because it dies away with the conflict doesn't instinctively naturally I see in my marriage all the time I write him see Michelle and when Augustine happens because in an eye out there I'm the stinker only nine you shall say to him now stop and landing no introvert in me I gobble server so what does anybody know of a standard feature three times to let you know think about a change or something can happen to do this you can see things get done what you okay you know what happens if they give you changes to ground is happening thing nobody knows this end and I spent many years of my married wishing I had my husband 's temperament and he said grinning I will send a coalition it's what I don't get hurt people when it gets watching their hurting alright I told my husband I wish I shall I wish I did I will I know how to crawl in a shell that we a lot of fun with this in our marriage he's become much more sturdy than I learned it from down the bank bought him and me tell you I'm here to share these skills with you because I needed them probably more than the right I'm always mopping up the stink so I'm not here telling you this because I'm some great psychologists that knows how about this in my practices in my life so very faithfully and you need to be like me right I'm telling you here's what I struggle with and here's what I found it helps okay you can take it and run with it praise God joint funding today it is a soft answer turns away wrath and here's the first being the first easily to step finisher with you today the first act is to agree there both days I agree with the element of truth almost every down our criticism has some portion of truth in case you will easily change or be anywhere on you just a thought of the three times in the last six months you are not interesting not always like to play at a time when you realize just as you're not that I know you go right into Ganguly the element of truth you're saying to yourself you find it troubling that so you think something like this it's true to say I'm always like that you can buy that is the truth right that always makes it not trip so you say it's true I do have a problem getting to places sometimes sometimes you should see I think that using a real thing for students use it to staff use it I taught it over in California and not an anesthetic Christian facility establish rat rescues up Shasta mountains him I got a call a week later and the director with single-minded use the amusing fogging over the place and totally dissipates it just like the wind is absent so you are you really you this because as soon as somebody watching a broadside against right and yours enjoy getting edited and significant figure my temperament right now if you're my husband 's temperament you may call in the general shutdown Rebecca Wright I think you have my temperament you know shelving you're not colony where you also are right anybody identify with him to write to me as soon I can hear you cry so I like ladies we're just counting the time here and you can just walk writing you want to say something to see you come along and try line near him so as you agree with the person with the will please me empathize the word element is a would compensate up there anyone there to ride where he is okay and him running out of things is one right over here okay him and guys like men and because it is a flat right to say is read the element of truth the first sign that he teaches in a in case it doesn't work right selecting a video that shows the same scene is not with him and with it with a non- ride Ryan is in the him if I want to have awakened in the silent treatment right now okay we don't grade the silent treatment was not soft answer okay as long as well will him and him and it's okay if we don't get its artists go to him and him him him him and him and him narrowly and doesn't take away our anger make sure that I doesn't go to the first get my husband identities because we had to run out time and getting the students on board can take a little more time so you died tonight for supper our wine and this is where I'm not sure what cemented as you he will be right as I is using that is okay now that is what blogging sounds like you to practice that can you can learn and memorize the introductory phrase you like to use your library or your right for its true calling to memorize is those two words you write for its troop and say it again and again make a group in your brain because as soon as you get to the end of those two words he'll know what to say you don't want those two words memorized you may get on your emotions not fair okay you're right it's true the one you want to use it sounds more like you are come up with something else is very close and write it to practice it and thinking that somebody that's consistently putting you down for a area of your life gets a lot down pretending even role-playing with your somebody's posting or not say out loud and you practice verbally saying a fogging statement that Ryan did I if there's any scale that can give you immediate results of that one now lately when it to you ideally I think we have to understand that the most people will quit there but in case they don't weekend actually go to another step back step is the ask for help I need somebody continues to thought to put it down and by the way if you do ask for help you should be prepared to receive it do not ask for help if you don't intend to get it okay if you are pushed to the wall and an year and your fogging and were going to show on being in this situation where it continues to be done and when I say no I feel guilty made this man the counselor takes people who have are not asserted were talking about taking something back to the store that is defective and letting storekeeper documents keeping to anybody ever had a thing for somebody who's in our store will not renew your money back for you going in to ask for a raise if you can get from a boss and you don't have what it takes to keep going okay you hear the putdowns or whatever she had all kind of situation seen people come in and they trained half they actually met trainer levels one five one put down after another and every time they have to come up with a fog every time you naturally learn to do it on their feet and it takes usually you know they meet once a week and it takes tricky weeks before you become really good at it so when Jeff still wants to see is not mentoring you got a practice of the practice and if you don't have someone you're comfortable telling somebody keep giving me putdowns on the practices and you better do it between you and your imagination you can then get good at okay right then somebody continues to come out you can you ask for help okay and by asking for help it would say it would be something like this okay well you being put down because you keep forgetting things or whatever right and you would say well you know if anything you don't remember everything so well yourself you could say then you know you you seem to be really sensitive about remembering things reminding the nascent hands I'd be willing to take some hints okay or somehow and I went to ask that person for help there on your side now erased the controversy right to networks and she did this with the woman at the well when you are somebody for help it actually honors right because anything you know something I don't know really I came to hear from you on why what Jesus did to the woman at the well the Samaritan woman alas in more old woman and no less it had five men and was now living with somebody who was not her husband she pondered her him him or wait in line he gave her statement about his Messiah ship that I can't read in the Bible anytime before that point he asked her for help which was unheard of thing for a Jude Askins 's American dog male for a long woman alone immoral wanting for something it meant that the Jew was saying and feeling that something I need I need you to help me out they wouldn't elect Howard she says how is it you find you a man asked me a Samaritan woman for a drink of water that statement in the Bible the custodian notes that she's she's blown away by asking for help gives the respect and honor to the other person which further dissipate slip down in on ignoring what they say I wouldn't go to that's right however if you are coming to the light and not named if you are trying to seek input about your life you are wanting to grow you are willing for someone else to help you write and you can ask for help and is a beautiful statement found in Philippians I looked look at right now see where the ads Philippians two three and for him to his ambition or conceit but it will enough of mine is black each esteem others better than himself you look out not only for his own interests but also for the interests of others in the spirit by the way this is looking up the spirit of Christ him to die not robbery to be equal with God but took the form of a sermon in song and the Spirit that as Christians we know you enter into your finding out and teach us so in some ways we do look at them as our teachers and then of course that the mental gymnastics in some ways at the moment of the criticism that's why fogging is a very good technique to help put you back into that today is right so what women do now is look at this get him something that power the skin of Dylan highlight for supper and then we're going to go to die others get to sort of see how this goes him you are in and will run as far as I have been alone in her is is is is okay and him and had to get out of course I was going to be very willing to and write your what he said something like that and the person came back and said I told you a hundred times if I told you once what you continue to be on time now with that is that something you might hear from somebody in your line in which anybody ever come back at you it could happen I ever heard in your family are in your place yeah okay stop working if you so don't write him so what we did a father that person said that to you is true you have have have said things even I can do and I haven't really had incorporated the okay is needy I need to think that you're getting to it now it's true i.e. I can see why you would think that is not anyway and he will do well that's true I can see why if you tried to help me and I didn't respond you would be disappointed to see you ran out of steam I mean sooner or later you going to mean this is a soft answer turns away where it takes a lot longer maybe once or now unfortunately don't get upset about there don't get worried or afraid of you know this because almost all way more than fifty percent of time potentially closed eighty eighty five percent of time may be the ninety first Bob takes care of it but occasionally have very entrenched disagreements and entrenched attitudes can get you up and take care and so you have to keep doing this have to keep adding and then you know that eventually the person might come around Wednesday so I want to know you really want out this time and that point in time you might say I like to have some help but I wonder if we did talk about some of the groundwork for the world 's first pay any comfort to you we never did solve that problem my marriage is in these findings and I will be insolvent to tell you how easily one we thought we had plenty of time to get out a little early and down and talking talked about it him we bury him about my husband would never tell me when he was coming home he's a pastor does those things that evening I know that he's submitting pastors here on down the line content and sometimes infinitely minute I get home early tonight outside the home eight thirty or whatever you will never think you know about everything I'm really excited he's coming like I was still trying to write every single time they wouldn't come into ten thirty eleven and he turned the end and he would say also the Holy Spirit just landing was so wanting in the is for charges like anyone as our marriage progressing years I sent him when you quit blaming God and to get mad at him you know I talked about you with this weekend on this problem because I like to get to places currently used to the Army I better about getting to places on time to think about marriage ringing and Mary forty years as a blending data goes on you know and so we came up with a solution basically that he would not make any commitments to me was what it was hard about taking a canoe and I just sit in and constituted violated trust me when he makes a commitment service he never said I'll be home at a certain time in the strikeouts a race that I don't hear I'm not counting on it while we can all be happy to see you sometime today I believe these great honor just this past week he found a couple things of which I jilted him and he will feel the conflict he is at any price ten-year bottled up and running in so far as the United I was peaceably with all people write him and Christians so being a peacemaker is a beautiful thing I love and admire that about my husband is so anyway that's what happens now when they do now is take a look at the last I think Burnett you're pretty good we might have some time with some examples are back-and-forth questioning our discussion here for you see down and get ready for school to get you going to use the whole process okay him and you and him and in and him him and he is a him and he and you saw her in that he and and and and and and and will and will and is in him and him and in idea and write again about me mandates to live peaceably one another we have mandates not to be defensive but rather to come to light about ourselves I this way we are always Christians him in a simple skill of farming is a practical help in finding and how to do it some and he will do it so much more natural than other estimates that we can all learn and some of us who don't get naturally other people needed to scratch it there anything any situation I questioned you are now about this before we enter them pretty clear you see a male hand here coming you think there's a possibility that you could apply that send that you actually have room to anywhere 's need for it okay good to great him and remember these skills these skilled in interpersonal relationships are just like learning to type or ride a bicycle for anything when you first start riding a bike you came out to pick up to buy you put it you had to get the panels just so right standing turn just so they were selling your sitting there and it's going here in marriage to get your foot over all with a long drawn out process and you in the end and then you get to where you do it so well that you can come flying out often your kids grabbed her by your holding us out bottles on the dangers upon its top thing happening got another single mom right one this is how skills in hand for most of us some as we run against the current of our basic nature so it's how little harder for us to learn some things like for me the scale of assertiveness to take my husband 's top goalie okay going for me I have going for him to take it all so and because we're different garments we get to see how have we all play that saw been really pays not the past cast judgment we all have our areas of struggle and as we help each other grow and that is what friends are for you and your friends permission to help you go taking the permission they can get you a situation watching with somebody and walk away and say hey Suzy that was a great time to be enable the fall you are practicing to do that another time if you give them permission and permission there is feeling comfortable doing this was one thing I loved about working at the school we were all working on our problems not just the students staff and I gave the students and staff permission to help me grow up he talked about accountability I really miss it since I retired as they I had day the accountability there and it is just really great time in its course it has uncomfortable components to it you give people permission to help you grow down and get makes of it I remember a situation not to twelve years ago when my daughters confront me on the phone and said I feel like a landing guilt trip on me right now boy I have a child in the dealt them being in I mean the parents using yelped and that's why I said oh my goodness I couldn't even identify had done it but I said every single time you see him get the feeling that I'm laying guilt on you when you please call me on it I don't do this and she explained to me and you know that's how I got right and so I just wanted him to manual Jesus and encourage you to grow in the social domains in favor with him she does stand to guard himself from the second breakdown

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