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Christian Conflict Management Principles, Part 2

Gayle Clark


Gayle Clark

President and CEO of Miracle Meadows School





  • October 10, 2009
    3:00 PM
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I don't not herein has been some amazing things or something questions I would like the Garmin to find you there you are going to continue on with your platinum talking together but for those of you who aren't engaging and something related to someone I would like to have you listen to what these guys brought up because it is really helpful first thing was that here is that when you do the soft answer when you do that you catch people off guard the first scan and the first thing I should because we had plenty of time I would ask for two volunteers to come up and I would ask when one member satellite this and I would whisper near one volunteer push against the hands of a beholding the hands like this like the automatic happens if somebody standing against you and pushes against your hands and push back okay that's automatic for almost all the things our sinful nature and so what you're trying to do is not pushed back into writing given that denies Jesus said not revile back overcome evil with good and turn the other cheek and all those things as and as a certain element that however so rightly pointed out that in minister yet and I'm glad Sheldon in the skat because I think it's realistic in our family and daughter have food didn't even like the scale of affirmation after she got older now than her and we don't teach the skill of affirmation here and it is a scale body is a way of appreciating things that people have a control over its as is a simple scale and if we affirmed her she would say don't do that psychology stuff on me if she if you find her she would say I like your psychology stuff you should think the option is as we want home actually learn this often taught our kids right and she knew what she did pick it up when she was in rebellion she hated it okay now so and send it off to its girl here fogging when she said yeah I it's true I don't I don't mind being late as much as you do and it's true I don't mind parties as much as unit from situations that can come off as sarcastic and him and bonding can come off the sarcastic as I is okay as I did that and that is a little bit that is an example of how you can really be careful about that the other themes as somebody indicated that it's true I it's true or what is going to write or something I got as I Billings may not be your favorite meetings because it's only thinking it's not true however the idea is to state the element of truth so what you're saying it's true that I don't always arrive places on time in and even some people are thinking if you say it's true the other person would say well it is true the whole thing I sent you is true and you have to be careful about that so you might want to just say Barbara what reasoning he just said you can use a link that is I do you gather which is like saying yes I do for you and whatever you member I suggest you pick a lead-in that represents your least offense and defense as modality and start using that the only reason I believe in legions in you getting here began in the next session is it for me for people like my husband he doesn't hardly need a lead-in for people like me get somebody if somebody comes that they are what I got to stop rising up in Nero fast ride and it's very careful something to do when my brain is hampered by this and so I I memorize leadings to help make the memorizing is to help me do a certain scale casino I'm not angry such as were in a talk about in the supportive listening handmaidens for that is real help focusing you go straight to supportive listening is just this helps him so sometimes I find that I get by memorizing lead as that it's easier for me the other thing is your voice will tell you whether or not you're being sarcastic or not okay to be at an end he is busy as your moving and bogging you need intentionally ending immediately trigger a humble spirit because you're trying to die fuses is why peacemakers do it so well because they really want to do that okay to carry a story in our side and don't mind getting out there saying a little bit when I arrived on whether we get peace we want to win right away and we want to prune that were writes for me I can convince you I'm right and you're not right and the peacemakers don't carry a sort of their side and so they just wanted back on it everything on IC no any do it so much better is why whenever we needed and DVD by the way has my husband doing it he's asked me to tell you all please forgive him he is a dynamic speaker and he reconnects with his audience that he had to do this in front of two cameras and he could not connect for the cameras so it is there one more Bible verses another stop by he's still got paid don't talk to know what it did he doesn't think concrete learning kind of ending imagination can picture a bunch of people there talking he stopped to gaze out anyway but the content is there in that logging the meeting real good any things that we want to say about this if you have any meet people it came out very good not only does cultures not only will a culture interpret sarcasm and offense in a chair by individuals well so you got a finger on a way that fits for you come across really truly like you want to use him to kiss him to have the same as in Samuel is a underway as to you I think that he will in a single I said any or all in your own language I sent out about time it is on Matthew five nineteen eighteen and it is good taken out to every skills in making sure those things happen well so will start those in about five minutes appreciate the music at the end here and I think that's very valid and he is okay with saying you are use our true inner brat say that you and your kid for heard parents say that for you are the worst in the world to get the dirtiest time that the world or whatever we do that sometimes change is that you you are so useless totally useless what would you thought it went in they may say is helpful in you as you are as you and is or you might say now how I haven't stepped up to the plate to be as usefulness and situations are probably could be young and eighty when he is him I tell her he and I like that then all thumbs I have learned anything he is accession and him tonight session him straight panel Parliament and I have a technique that started in which we are covering in this session will have a DVD out on assertiveness how to stand up and down before well for what you know is that for you now traveling on other people 's rights okay so you got your name on where we get those out in your e-mail Neil get an e-mail about it and you can ask for it and staying in it and confronting people I think is really really important to to make sure that you are doing it for his aged care about your parents or somebody did your parents being so hostile with the unit talked about that you don't try to straighten it out in the midst of their hostility is your all we get collecting the anger after everything is called later that night the next morning and you say can we talk about this and quietly without a conflict president he discusses him asking only time you are don't ever try to work something out in the heat of anger is almost guaranteed to fail in the past than ninety percent of your efforts to talk with your parents about something that no one be found in an is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is what you say is in a is in a sentence I knew it came to my mind I'm sensing that kind interfering with you watching TV is you're having is not as severe as I will is in and in him and that is okay he don't want to be no one heard of it that I can assure you that there were issues however that I cannot talk to my mother with any time in her life she could especially had to do with things I wished to be changed about how she was managing things and so I learned to live with that okay you always try manually seek ways to make it less threatening and you still try and I think we we are required most of us to want to have resolution reconciliation in Iraq when wired to hate barriers there are some people that are tied yes and again maybe turtles when they announced as they like the cozy as my husband and me can go a long wrong time with out trying to resolve a barrier to see if if I let with me I don't even like to go to the nighttime without resolving the are you tell him I can go to sleep with eating on me and so that's kind of how wise I think are about ready to start hear him and him and him to you the technique works for you and him and just in time to think and is always helpful and him and him and him and him and you do this with somebody that is fine with something and you sense that you're not thinking straight for some reason you can actually say you got a valid point can you give me a few minutes to just think about it I like to come back in about ten or fifteen minutes and talk to about it because it's important to make our sometimes I will say to someone I feel like this is worth focused attention right now I'm distracted can I come back in fifteen minutes when time of thinking with phone calls on a phone call and I can tell it's really critical him and I'm distracted with something in my house or whatever and real freakiness as we at least twice I said I can tell that this worth my focus attention and I can't do right now please come back in fifteen minutes and call you again and we can talk about this and I've never run into anybody who might say well time to be out of range at that time so you can commune our panel CRP that's good a party of six p.m. give yourself time to get filled again with God 's Spirit and calm down and I when I went somebody who comes to me and says I need to document something and I have a hunch that it is a problem area I really appreciate giving myself some time to really take it to Jesus and think about it it works so much better him us when you're in a dynamic group and you get broadside I yet counting to three taking some deep breaths might help in the money and lots of space him to okay him training started care in a few minutes of him and him and him and him and him and him dropping out of him again I want asking to be with him on him and it is very I think a very important component to you certainly get on us some evidence about the word him and don't always approach it this way in fact is the first time I put these components to gather him down and I ask that you will give me an extra major these folks are here sincere to learn him tell me not to read on anything that would make a difference in anyone's life here and help me to present it in such a way that they can take impractical usage is greatest in Jesus name amen how many of you and him okay him and those of you been here before let me give the foundational from Luke two fifty two effortless aiders DVD 's will cover this if you are not to be at the ninety minute DVD looking facing down here afterwards as it was in our pajamas and boosters it has miracle not a school retina cross and then now matters media ministry that's our ministry and all we basically do it miracle Meadows announced the Academy him from and where focusing in the social domain and I just want to review that in Luke two fifty two we know that Jesus ran for domains the mental or physical social and the spiritual access the spiritual and the social is the wisdom and stature in favor with God and neighbor was found for domains I've made the point in the other sessions in the church and as Christians have been intentionally a draft in the mental the largest Protestant school system in the world is waiting intentionally and draws the body have all kinds of resources for healthful living prevention hospitals for sick people we are very much into the body okay you have a health message that focuses on him we are very much into the spiritual home not only at our colleges and seminaries that are short-term mission training manuals and training things like that him sad finale on our schools there's components of the spiritual is very strong but we have not intentionally taught to use the human relationship component the social domain you are hard pressed to get intentional classes in high school and grade school that is systematically teach that right and send it out in their life they really felt like they were well taught in schools and in the church in the social learning I love to know come on folks to write on and you have because my experience was it was not as we reach our adulthood deficits in this area now what has traditionally been through the centuries and that when people get in trouble in the social domain we are encouraged to go back to the spiritual domain for a more closer to Jesus talk to the pastor I tried him to I know that the spiritual domain the conversion process is not teach us our academics are computer are English reading writing and arithmetic so we have schools and we can set separately we are smart enough to know them just as you converted the mean you know I take care your body can we take and the same spiritual we even get your convert doesn't mean that you don't need more Bible spiritual Christian living kind of things right on and were fine with that for some if somebody is going through a divorce and they don't handle the situation with their kids and how the kids are responding we will pray with them and face as he does get close to Jesus he's your answer right here okay I got teenagers I think is using drugs in allotment escape ramrod a brother is okay as much of the matter is domains and we should be teaching in four domains intentionally and we call for RAM to focus a bit more if not almost primarily in the social domain any of you getting depressed rats of the DVDs that we produce behavior e-mail for your physical address here but Barbara was sitting at the end their hand as we produce them we will send them to you okay or not send you knew we would like to be written which ones I will send out what we produce and you can tell us if you want to e-mail back and sat like a copy of this okay these are free we are ministries of course they also hope and pray and trust that God will provide funding to people who are touched by the ministry we do not charge for these became so that's around him and I was asked to do him very very Christian conflict resolution we covered the consensus model which we have a DVD here for some laugh which is a win-win way everyone's a winner apparently a conflict it is a executive Corporation a man machinations against nation Corporation against incorporation way of handling and they pay many many hundreds of dollars thousands even to send their leadership a way to learn how to do consensus model this one was on finding him which is a soft answer turns away wrath okay we just learned that this is a little bit soft practice had now are going to do is center and introductions of the Bible Matthew eighteen ninety five and let these folks take zinc awry not post on the national safety well to Matthew eighteen where you read verses fifteen to seventeen will moreover your brother sins against you tell him it's all between you and them along if he hears you you have danger rather he will not hear you take with you one or more by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established him and he refuses to hear them tell it to the church and if he refuses even to the church let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector our annoying to say the side of the church car park can I I want has to cost something is this a literal literal thing mean for us to do the exact steps you can say well you think it's a letter on the scene around him and how many and you are your are willing to not let her off him or not to do it him okay that's good because you know some things in Matthew eighteen are literal at least I don't think can you give me an example will him to turn to in Matthew eighteen now it's in Matthew five will come to you later Michael taken out that ninety five okay Matthew five twenty nine and thirty okay I think you that whoever looks at a woman to lots for her has already committed adultery with her in its heart and in your right eye causes you to send it out and cast it from you or any of your rights and causes you to send it off and cast it from you in a lot of different denominations I did see a church colorblind people that are hamlets and why don't we do it he said plainly the weekend at in terms of symbolism right timing we have to do in this interview a teen who literally do you believe it's literally do you believe that he means you have something against somebody you are to go to them and express the problem do you believe that okay now ask another question him how many outfield have been in a situation where you seen this done right to where they take two or three how many of you seen it done please raise your hand to not even fifty percent in a single right to the church and take care of an treelike and even right okay how many you him right after that are causing some of you may need to come up and raise your hand I really would like to get a hand here how many of you live by gas station when you have a barrier you faithfully go to that person make it right at your hands K and and forth on us how I don't the rest of us do this first off let me ask you how many of you on the rest of you have been raised your hand have never had a barrier with another person please let us know if you're that kind of person I'd like to talk to him and I would like to give you the next series that you can share your secret nobody raced around are you sure it is not amenable to being a barrier with anyone okay and I correct in assuming that the wrath of you have had areas that you have not follow him down he maintained that a correct assumption was asking why why there are some reasons why we don't do this and I have a hunch up tell me why you haven't gone to make it right here in introvert and I don't like conflict okay is what is ignorant you don't know how to address a problem okay what else to proud of you you never know that their problem not mine you never heard in many say that sleeping dogs lie they are not make an issue out I'm sure I can thank and avoid the conflict even as a young talk to somebody else about it the personalized he asked him to say this is a situation any given situation was okay so that generates fear right is not experiencing down it's fear that's driving you because you don't want more failure around him okay all right how many of the same thing with Matthew eight thousand five let's go to Matthew five and him and that twenty three and twenty four and is around the floor and try selling the same chapter we had something that I think we all believe we should be doing this we can take literally and something that we don't practice and are not probably going to encourage anybody to practice okay and that's that blind yourself and cut off your hand is getting to signs of his chances at taking this literally with their hands handed chances with guys on their nice blind man I knew he does is our Academy was a friend of our girls Dean and he immediately invokes if you want to get out of the theater and how we interface with our students and he said to me tell you taking out your eyes doesn't stop that Sandy didn't do it it were to be worth it but it doesn't work you still have the same things in your mind we have to do brain removal is okay I think we know this is the wheel will frequently without inoculating in fact our grievance procedure in our school is built on Matthew eighteen it needs to be very nice and have massive financial history of assigned him and it says this therefore if you get to the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you and your gift there before the altar and go your way first they reconciled to your brother and daddy offer your gift you knew this is what some of you now I him thoroughly what did they get that is being brought to the offer and any setting is the setting for this plan is aware of learning is that your service is the ideal church are coming to bring in the book for what all to the altar in church the tabernacle sanctuary wherever kids were shocked him don't ask another question I like to see your hands up honestly how many of the airlines already up there you never learn from somebody else's one else was offended by you anybody hear me okay him now how many of you didn't go to worship and tell you to care about what it now I made an appointment target last week I've been trying to get to people than to everyone and I think the other person alive her husband barrier with me I went to that person so I want to work this out and that person said let me pray about it last week and then several weeks and I went to this person said I'm still waiting and this person I'm still praying him so I had to I called him pay staff member at our campus that I know these these people are tightlipped and I have a warm relationship with this person to relatively new person on campus but we have a lot of things we share together and I said would you mediate can I set a date and we picked Monday afternoon or Tuesday morning and I have to get the other two people but this person has agreed to try to persuade them because I think you know what I can I am mandated compelled at her by Christ to do this him and I can no longer have peace and year about on vacation this hour they want to get this working okay now be a skunk than those of you that the extroverts are called Alexander birds and turtles and I found double whammy extrovert and skunk stamp their feet to more than day to make out stinks they don't have shelter crawling to write my husband and he has a shot and he can nicely disappear and I can be on it all I want to tell them to come out they say music and he can disdain okay I don't have a place to collect him and I can remember times counting out of the trees not fair I wish I had a shout he never felt that way if your skunks I wish I will shout you get the shell I got the state had been sitting in it and don't like that out there like that and then he reached anyway being a skunk believe me this has been made being a part of my life is also being very assertive strong and at times intimidating which is a temperament trait I hated myself and for probably twelve to fifteen years of our marriage I worked hard to try to change however he started school for troubled youth kids running gangs kids who have been kept their parents totally about basketcase is to have gotten kicked out of every school the event and have been before the court and then behind jail in them behind bars you need some assertiveness and it's served me well in my school so I'm no longer is bad about it by asserting that can make you into getting the right people who got close to me and say down the first time I met you you are intimidating to me from across the strong without him him him him right I just do without thinking so when I was running the school when I brought a new staff member and I brought the news happened down and we talked about a lot of stuff online things I talked about was me and I said I will someday step on your toes I'm pretty certain I want to tell you that I want to hear about it I wanted to come to meet and talk to him and I want to know the door 's always open to see if you find me too intimidating to come to me here are three people who do come to me and it will come to me with your concerns go to them is not so intimidating so I had frequent information from my people my three that I had stepped on somebody's toes in their Tuesday the company right now my mandated by God to go to them or is that their problem just read how a time that I heard people saying she got from me that's her problem anybody ever heard a target that's not mine she wants to talk it out after him on her she kept from my problem how can you I'm not continue to die as sad as they are for my work shift income worship me and you brought a gift and later in this topic talk about what that gift is to talk about forgiveness now it's link to this gift and this is not just any care this is my offering and what do we bring offerings for the sacrificial system to obtain forgiveness right this is the Lamb that carries our sin so now we can say if we do for the Lord to obtain for you him unwavering in our audio defendant BIOS may not get back and they taken you believe that Jesus was the fact that right now I'm so grateful and I'm so grateful have any application before me my child and find one way you I have already been experiencing temperature can experience forgiveness thing taken care of him so go take care of it will come back and offering them and we forgiveness were talking more about the powerful concept anyway how important it died we straighten out the offenses other people have against us the husband doesn't have very many of those in his life if you identity you can just doesn't offend people too much if you are easily offended by his sins of omission considering they both said I use in my physical mission I think him and I said and coalition Michelle I do it but it bugs some people have you do it and that bugs some people will write him in two thousand two as often as I do so see he is happy to practices like to practice and went again as I told you these things were for us in my weaknesses right my strengths standup here is the Almighty Noel I am still a struggling singer in the things that I discovered him help me and I'm sharing it with you the cousins your cases you might take this and run with him that why write him so as my husband would say I said before I'm a beggar telling another member started out for bread so let's take a look at this right we don't often do these things because we're afraid of failure don't know what to do normally the sleeping dogs lie it's not my problem is there we have all reasons for not doing and yet doesn't take the command out of the Bible him is nothing we think and it was brought out the somewhat nurse her last night and we think and what really matters to cropping to God I hate it when it comes down the separating the notes from the sheet what is the criteria for interpersonal relationships right when I was hungry it came to me when I was in jail you visited me he is really into our interpersonal relationships this is why green tomatoes churches we have not stopped on the human element and taught skills that make us more effective there are denominations and do this for anything in the denomination is famous for peacemaking is home I guess they walk with his sword drawn and know that they aren't in the family is loose Quakers Tigers run a whole service to America and peacemaking are we talking a mediation in all kinds of things Quakers have been in the car and the curriculum stuff on a lot of you are now not access to a lot of it is an denomination day I know for P they are peacemakers would be wonderful if at the denomination we were no people who could help pray every downtown divorce in the pre- downtown and conflict between kids and parents can resolve these issues will be out and had the Amish church and somebody would say when they come in and up Abercrombie at this church they got people that cannot help she needed a CBI like they really are good with families need to see this happen as they do really great premarital counseling you need to see the avenues there handy in divorce prevent prevention need to go see the ominous they can teach all about how to talk to each other silly things in the anesthetic comes around and walked probably as much problems not more in command the secular world is in some areas we have more time fortunately the areas that we have to more branch yarn shops now recently getting so that we can deal with it in one of those areas is incest conservative the church the more higher the rate of interest and happiness are very high we don't talk about it if you ever work with them and us kids so young now and never work without its women the ratio in the public has one to three or four women are violated before they reach eighteen fifties enough time the church is not once been shuffling somebody wants to talk about it people don't know how to deal with it and very often they do second time abuse by not dealing with it properly I can also as a church we so let's go to do here today take these two models will look at some scale some basic skills and and I don't have videos on these okay him this is no wonder I'm still developing him but I do have a couple daughters early to see if I can them to come a PR kind on the spur of the moment there is a proper shutdown needs in the sad thing about this is that I didn't bring my notes on this so I've been sitting here since I've been here trying to redevelop my notes right on top of that the Bible that I use to do it in about three days ago got soaked us on using a Bible and you know how it is when you get a new Bible and you can't find this document so improv artists he is not verse that says that he will strip a matter before any target in the full consumer and talk about that scale and that still gets the call a lot of things have called reflective listening it's called support and call what else Barbara active listening is occurring listening him that make sure that you understand the other person in and out there her adventure and that they know that they are heard okay you know you bargain they know you heard that she gets truly think hearing is with your ears listening if you are in your heart your mind will sit with your heart because they were supporting the thing is honing in on the feelings okay I have my time for this might not do I have for volunteers frequently come up front for volunteers and dad would I have made my outgoing people hear my answer for him to get down the line anymore nor is it okay to volunteer him I don't say this sentence you are inviting her to the party can you say that with me you are inviting her safari okay you're going to say it was absolute disgust because you are a lady that the girl is having a party can get along and we were grateful this person didn't come because she causes trouble so you say you're inviting her to party and express your anger sadness okay you know like this girl and you're excited okay then to know that the two ladies were in conflict and your shock is okay and you're going to express this with a kind is the hardest one in unity and jealous like I can believe in doing this to me in okay I write so you're inviting her to the party here in her heart he is counted as tier surprise or shock were fighting not hearing anything out of it you can say to me like I don't have the party and party can get hangers I is are okay as I follow him we express our emotions not your words mostly through our nonverbal right and we are home and on the things we do with active listening right if you are going to respond to what are these people and you and your reflective listening and you are the first person who's angry him through biting her in the party you wouldn't say now you have the reflective listening of the supportive listening is basically paraphrasing in your own words what you print that person say focusing in on the feelings he wouldn't say yes I'm inviting her to the party or call you you want to know that I'm inviting her to the party now you can say is that it sounds like you're upset that I'm inviting her to parties that you and she will then say it depends on the comedy one this response no no I'm not upset he is only what I'm reading you correctly you think that I may be wrong why don't you like you're not upset I built a fence in a fair and so you will and you and your staying with until you finally get the person saying I am actually kind of upset for you know what I can't believe you and I you know she makes such unnatural send our inflation and cognitive aging and a drama queen okay and then you can and then what would you say that cannot give you doing reflective listening you're afraid that if she comes the parties to the conservator from him today to see your name to fears that notion that have here are trying to make sure you've heard this person what does that have to do it nothing they can identify you when you go you want to be sure you're listening to these people and many times we don't how to do it and you do it first by making sure you've heard them correctly and you hone in on feelings of the words is not where the true message is that worth is a tenuous situation and you might say for you here remembering that part of it we had an get-together we had over and John boys and him and being seen she created their rights as the words and yeah yeah that's exactly my remembering him so that's fine sure that you're not you're afraid that she is pricing the same thing as soon okay now you go now you connected with the heart now you touch the emotions that you can address the issue right so reflecting that sending it on summarizing back in your own words are never taken reflective listening social workers and counseling is that this foundational ABC communication and technology in communications and right this is foundational stuff reading foundation to find the ways to use it when she are okay but it is a way of helping people feel her temper yet what the real issue as is reflected now do not parent the first person ever to a reflective listening again was in the studying in Southern California not enough integration setting at all I you and its counselors at all I got so excited when I were learned reflecting the thing I got my wife and she'd say I am so sick of this male music of the male is the role he burned the cast around him and I think that we need easily naturally tonight we were attending the company coming tonight and soon I think I need relief now I mean you don't remember your your your active emotions is anyone in your basement and don't want apparent that makes that is okay right so even recollecting as you want to not answer a matter and tell your ex halogen reactor is more than the words it's a heartening ocean tank right I need in I have meetings for this one for me that I actually was against labor written books so you shall make you feel seems to me that you found what I hear you saying is you telling me that Canada should learn to read as you can not be reflective listening hardly at all if you don't answer that's what I'm hearing you say is what you need to parity study I be sure you hadn't hone in on the heart is true it seems to me that you are feeling upset or feel discouraged for revealing betrayed because of what happened okay for you do you knows of the league hands and go where went reflectively selecting okay to me is that makes sense to you okay now the next one is talking how many of you heat were not clear for father and had time to reveal bonding very great layer maybe everybody else can help me we make something right with somebody and you and you are likely to hear it and I liked reading it down I think how similar they of course find that you have him coming you are always turned the things I made a spectral average Italian I needed you to pick that up to bring you here and you didn't like it was no big deal the second time you've done something three far right on LinkedIn this is a finding is agreeing with the element of truth in something so and there is a DVD or a foggy thinking ending is basically where you would say what anybody got an idea that you forget everything and you have a point there I like you I do forget things yes you are correct I did forget to bring your stuff you feel like I like to shut sorry and so you can have no meaning in getting to a bunch of lobbying their rights and blinds it was ending my campaign that means if I had Canary job the real problem is between you and I right now is that I violated your trust when you counted on me to bring activist place tonight and bring it and that was a betrayal to you and then that person will say that it is not saving him I have been that makes me mad at you to sell you when you go but if you know how to thought and you know how to do some reflective listening to it you see how it might turn out better see even now how it could be more focused on success rather than shambling and melting into a fairly interesting to see new skills and using them in talking to anybody else is in that situation is and that he is in him him okay and it is the first time you make sure you do reflective listening and needed some bobbing face and was a total misunderstanding after you have left them there is a mark is going to be it happened letting them all out and down when you say when they felt slow down you say is have I heard everything you wanted to tell me right now and if they say yes I told you what I'm upset at you about training your mind this is a bad misunderstanding believe me there were times and not just unthinkable they just knew what I knew they think their meetings okay right for the misunderstanding and so then what you say at that point is with you mind you would be willing to listen to me why thank you what I think is a party or missing for that isn't that I may have caused the misunderstanding always take ownership as much as I may have been part of the misunderstanding here would you be willing to hear me out just don't say anything till I tell you the whole scenario and then we can talk about it lay down some ground rules I listened to you to be quiet listen cannot be quiet listen to them when you get through I like to share with you because here's what happens or says she's been back and forth the sniping stopped right as you lay down some ground rules was anxious I'd like to do this without a problem he taught through to try to really hear you out I want to hear you out you said everything and every time they slow down you say is there anything else is there anything else and invited all the conversation you might be even taken a funeral mass misremembering our rights and tenure here now and you use reflective listening and and you can use game you are off to use that reflective listening you can use while it's coming make sure I got this right shall you just said is it you're really upset because I did the CSS okay that goes on here PS you know how to write down how many the very unused a ninety minute fight I will share with you at that point in time you like and you say I think there's been a misunderstanding you may be that you that I misunderstood so assure you my perspective let's see if we can work this out there calmly and then very often you can come to commission and the next step after that hideaway is the net the part that you did wrong I can see where I didn't I contribute to this misunderstanding he was in the fact that I didn't and that's maybe harmless document whatever was it was real and that person 's mind okay how is everything is avoiding a job they just lies in their thinking outline you and I know is I think the best thing to do it does round will rules at the beginning like us to work through this one is loudly if I hear you out and it's easy hear me out and I said now I want to tell you how I feel but I don't hear you that I think of what I would say at that time I'm going to listen to you but I don't will come to resolution if I can speak back so I sit here and listen to him and were done in the Guardian October two Christians maybe they're not and then always be dissuaded that because you can work through swimming and have assigned but you'd be surprised how much healing and counting up and then guess is you as well I really is and he is as early as will as is will serve as an is as high as you I love him anyway for those of you really are this is our daughter Barbie my daughter Barbara she graduated in social work here and I understand that Sanders had met and decided and she and adoption foster care and land daughter is there is no a weekly to promote all the time he went I believe actually the girls about friends who sit around believe me one sister 's wedding not more than a year ago we had a big Mac family meltdown and all the girls got together and there were friends and their sitting watching this happen crying watching us working that we use these things all the time and I know that children can learn and because when we learned that when I came home and taught our kids and then they do things like mom being handled that well I don't feel listened to the right okay monies that start again and often fighting to reflect in the sink okay okay I think Mike is due to me I mean like I want them to practice and on the want them to call me on right and so I can I died it's wonderful like your real uptight music here in our town and my wife is is is is is is is is is is is is a video that is him him and so your problem is and is rarely understanding how to him will examine where drives you will so come work at it this is because we're afraid to be honest with each other as Christians we live in a town we wear masks because we have a very high standard and how we should act and it doesn't include conflict and that kind of stuff it's all the sweet little things we should be doing that we can talk someone else that we can't talk to that person and the hiking and me just say to you to the extent of your relationship will be the extent of your effort to break through that and it may take a long time it just happens to be your spouse you can work at it for a longer more patient more intense at times trying to straighten us out than it is somebody that you just may be a roommate that you can run the next semester and go your separate ways the extent of your relationship will declare to what extent your gun hang in there until you get to the bottom of this what you do at the time is when you say I heard you say this innate maybe they say I didn't say anything negative brother I heard you say that I am than what I would do is I would fall I would say you know what I have a problem with us and so what you were talking about and I have made a commitment to Jesus to overcome that and I would like you to help me do it and make it very safe for them to tell you now by my father he does that make sense first you make it very safe very safe to open the door you might even add to the problem not only do I have probably talk to not write analytically to another problem now not only do I forget appointments I make I actually make two or three at the same time without keeping track and I'm thinking of you haven't seen I know that I have a problem with disconnection and I heard you talk about it what I have made a commitment to God girl hysteria and I think you can help me and then they're likely to be opened to you if they are not that way they still come around then you have to decide who decides what extent is this relationship critical to you and to what extent will you go I carefully timed what findings go come back to it again let things go come back to it again in your experience that makes you think it is and I is is is is is is is is is is is is synonymous with you because and not safe with you and that your problem and my problem we got to make it safe for people to confront and sometimes our temperaments work against that paper very intimidating strong and they've seen this blowup like it it seemed a lot and hope my kids I think pretty much anything from the extent of our relationship is important enough that the company and the reason I say I can think that is because I get confronted by them okay and so I know it happens right and him and him will is in there's going to be a DVD on the two-minute anger management program is a fantastic deal with Fox and Hesiod paradigms him and once you learn when you change paradigms you will be able to apply back to most anger problems not all of them but I think David got a good model for you guys I often allow first off I have to confess that he and I want to be now him for a while around him trying for a while anybody out there that way is not ready to give up my anger and tell God that he is only against the e-mail whining piece and I just want in a man I am okay and you me out right now and regularly in the countries that I know how to layout the mountain and now that anything that you got to go somewhere where you can really count about a ten minute laughter while you can calm down you know camera needless logging out is not as yet you can do now and the other thing is in short is to try very hard turmeric disabilities and even then all the spouting out how to stop tried very hard to even get help with someone else who knows and cares that person to walk in their moccasins and get inside their experience and get inside their experience you have a paradigm shift and change that takes care of your anger into something as you do not go inside take care something around and is not an work on the outfield of action where we had time warmer skill I really want to shut the talking out okay and feel at and want to talk a little bit about forgiveness can you give me a couple more minutes or will you okay with that the other one is and the eye messages and you messages or images really be leaving untrained eye messages in the messages okay we have a few people here and what would you think is the best message I figure the Alaska zoo and I I think it's owning your own problems I thought to what I want I don't be selfish but when he illustrated here basically vastly and I think I did it okay to bring the lightning that anyway him and we give away and basically you own your feelings in an illustration from top from my raising my kids is not getting items that really happen it didn't happen but it could easily have happened for girls to boys on the end of a three figure three adopted in my four girls all two years apart David in a social time together when we had a lot of socials in our house can easily have a social as kind and very very extroverted like the added something new finally during the social committee soliciting been copying the link and you know something like that and I have one daughter who comes up to me and sad unity so embarrassed last night mom don't ever do that for my friend and we just totally stupid act like you are trying to be some kind teenybopper with the rest of us actually know you are so embarrassing okay finding only in a highly early December on sunshine and catching up but not too many in the back to back comes another daughter is almost long as you job is really great acting thinking what did I do believe in him now that's an illustration of the owner feelings that very same thing can happen to several people have emotional responses are different when we say you made me angry when putting blame on the other person when we say I get angry when these things happen I am embarrassed when this type is passed I get to feeling threatened when things like this happens we are owning our feelings that I message and I feel message and when we say that when you say you me angry you're pulling a sword in Dugas and articles are back and forth on connection okay when you say here's my heart I felt really betrayed when this happened I felt we abandoned that I found in Paris it will sort and another kind of way to reduce conflict and you own your own feelings just want you the only person him how you feel about things because you're different from everybody else okay and other personally is doing I think you got angry new got embarrassed whenever you see don't blame our rights about the guy nothing changed so when you tell somebody about offense that they have condemned this is a Matthew eighteen he don't go in and say you did this to me he said when this happened I felt as he is is is is is will think it is the behaviors and feelings in the meeting in Helsinki on the European and you know what you think that is that he is the really important things out like I could say I think our strategy in Afghanistan is totally wrong I could say I feel concerned about our strategy and Afghanistan can I have a son in the military right now I'm expressing my feelings I am worried I am fearful I just say I think the strategies wrong for I feel the strategies wrong I can substitute I think the strategy is wrong for feeling English language can be substituted for think makes sure it's truly singing picture expressing you can exchange the word feel for you think you don't have a feeling you have an opinion so when you're lifting your heart out there identify your feeling that the other person on a platter rarely will they pull the sword rarely said that you're going to talk about an offense to you give it to them from your heart in your feelings owning your feelings are miles ahead when you did but she made me feel okay no difference now between I feel that nothing is will him I have nothing to you you make me angry you can say in what I'm really sorry that that that you got angry over that they are thankful your own feelings but herewith rephrasing a ride I'm really sorry that you got all angry over that wasn't my intention to get angry I wasn't my intent to embarrass you I would say to my daughter I am so sorry that you were embarrassed that this is not my intent is I don't I don't want to make enough that I know I look like a fool of an ear to hear from you please understand she definitely made me angry but CI I manage that okay him laughing I want to say goes back to him and it's so important it goes back to this store called VI unforgiving servant okay you guys help me find a donor written down here and Matthew Matthew four is it is a cumulative documenting thank you Matthew taking twenty one I get to come back into this I want you to look at verses thirty two and thirty three times have you been bristled by the idea that we got a forgiven and forgive us I have a running my delete got into forgiveness single human being is a great endeavor his forgiveness depending upon my forgiveness that seems backwards having his backwards story on out that the servant who will destroy the certain you all so much and were forgiven by his master anyway and grab the first I know I can have thrown in jail on the story of a man who what I'm forgiven because he didn't embrace his forgiveness let's hear from the Bible itself okay facilities versus this note the third with God that man is master after he called him finding out you were meant I informed do you call him dad because you got me should you also had compassion on your fellow servant should you not thou have had compassion on your fellow servant shocked as I had pity on you not forgiveness comes to us first and we have to embrace it when I am mad at my husband for his weaknesses when I get to wallowing around in it for a while I start looking at my own I start thinking of all that I been forgiven for his pretty hard nineties to send you without down without sin cast the first stone and go to somebody and make things riding in a wounded relationship count your own need for forgiveness counting clear count the true and you don't know how much you been forgiven then you need someone to help me June two thousand and ninety of us have grown up in the church and kind of not committing all those nasty immoral sins go back and look God hates divorce he hates pride in their system Lucifer and if you have any pride in you and you have desperately forgiveness him now what I want to make you one of the component of making everything work out and being able to forgive and be forgiven is to first have experience and the unbelievable matchless forgiveness of Jesus Christ what he from the yes for him online tennis how can we stand in judgment how can we not go humbly and here's the truth seeing this servant was unforgiven not because he wasn't given it because he didn't take it and went out thinking he still opened at we had to collect from his fellow man that's otherwise do not indent for all seventy five million dollars and you were getting go to prison for their whole family and they just forget it he would be out throwing a party you would not be collecting right way it assigned if we can't forget him in the habit medicine to find a way to forget a big deal we give ourselves not the other person the lack of forgiveness the status like a cancer and if the best gift we can give ourselves estimate gives someone else because to do it you were going to experience that amazing forgiveness of God as an expense in all my sloughs away for dealing with Matthew eighteen iMac G5 for living it out is a lot more we can share somewhere way out time folks thank you for being patient and what is


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