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Logo of Michigan Conference of Seventh-day Adventists

1. The Responsible Child

Laurie Snyman




  • June 19, 2017
    8:00 AM


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Lord I thank you for this day I thank you for this camp meeting for each person here for the children that they touch and reach whether it's in their family in their Sabbath school in their youth group in their pathfinders or adventurers and I pray that you will be with us as we study this important topics today in your holy name Amen. I'm like I just want to be able to hear myself think here all right well happy that you're here does this mean that you all represent children in some form I hope that you. Will enjoy this topic because I think it's very dear to my heart as I was studying and I thought all my you know it comes together all these things that you see and all sudden you realize that you've got there's a big issue going on out there so let's talk about it Aron Ralston he was literally stuck between a wall and a hard place I don't know if you remember him he was in the Utah's Blue John Canyon and he had toppled over some stones and 1 stone rolled and caught his arm underneath remember that. You know we all heard about it on the news he sat there trying to figure out what to do he couldn't move you couldn't even reach his water bottle he didn't know what to do he started thinking about his parents and he started to think about his married sister and then as he thought about her wedding that was going she wasn't married yet but she was going to have a wedding with all of his friends and all of his relatives and he started thinking about that and thinking I'm going to miss it in there and I'm going to be I'm not going to be there and I'm going to not see everybody and he took his pocket knife. And he thrust it into his arm without any and a seizure and he cut it off. And he freedom self from the rock and he survived mostly because why of that need to see is family is the need to see a family very important Don't we all have this great need to see a family. Jesus was hanging on the cross he was in such terrible pain he had all the sins on his shoulders he was so burdened with the world and all the things that all the sins of everyone and he saw his mother to remember that. And he saw our tears and he saw her grief in her sorrow and despite the fact that he sitting there with his flesh is ripping he says to another disciple to take care of her in so many words because he felt so sad to see her and agree like we have empathy don't we for our family members we are bonded we're sad we want to help people but on the flip side well how many of you know that you love your family members right you love your family members do any of you think that you ever love your family members too much. And what does that mean do you think that if we love them too much and we are too easygoing because we never want to make them unhappy that we can damage our children or other people's children and I believe that that's happening there's a study from Hopkins University It says parents are so tender hearted today they admit that they have a hard time disciplining their children. As a result children are getting away and engaging in risky behaviors at a higher rate than any other generation. Wow That's from Duke University in North Carolina. And I guess it was a joint study with 1 from University of Maryland Is that sad Let's read this and this is regarding the training of children you want to read it with me and you see when there's capitalized you got to emphasize it OK Oh that all would understand that these small duties are not to be neglected children are peculiarly susceptible to the lessons they receive in the early years they will carry with them through lie all the learning they may acquire will never on do the evil resulting from lax discipline in childhood. Some people see Mrs White's words as condemning and judge mental I would like to say that there are warning when you see a sign a staff do you go oh that's upsetting you don't you say oh I better start thinking and being really focused because there's something ahead to me that's a comment that. We need to be really focused on the fact that not doing our work and being lax in our discipline could set up our children for some major problems in the future agreed OK What is that by the way we should always have a goal What's your goal in raising your children what do you hope to accomplish let me tell you what parents often have said in my counseling practice that I just want them to be happy well what if smoking pot and having sex outside of marriage makes them happy what if abusing dogs makes them happy really is that really just their happiness OK so tell me some worthwhile goals that we should have for our children can you just shout them out. Well I'm saying 1. For the love of Christ so we're going to exemplify the love of Christ hoping to. Get them to have an and that they will also exemplify that in their lives after they've seen it what did you say. Respect authority because if they don't respect authority when it comes to teachers police officers government ministers parents whatever we're going to have kids who always think that they're above the law or that their selfishness is more important than anyone's nurture right OK. So we want to raise them to be independent when I got empty nest syndrome I thought why did I raise my kid to be so independent she wrote me wrote me an email every day when she went to Southern and they started getting farther and farther apart and I thought What have I done it's a good thing though right if she was dependent calling me crying every day my happiness and peace would be impacted because I'd always be worried about her we really do want to raise them to be independent respectable and able to come accomplish the things in their life they can do anything else. You know what. Actually at There's a website that I created for the conference and you are all welcome to use it it's for bowling and it's called Be back. Or or whatever you wish be kind because that is a really nice it doesn't matter what relationship we're in right can I say that there was a seminar yesterday and I saw somebody going by with tears that was working with the seminar and I said Is everything OK and they just and I guess because people went to the a room where there wasn't enough room they had just lambasted the person that set the room up and I said a free seminar and hardly We can't prophesied how many people are there and really they ruined her camp meeting experience because they were mad that they didn't get a. See when they came in 5 minutes late so I'm just saying that we have to recognize that wherever we're at we need to be kind right attitudes get us nowhere if we had said Come let us reason together like the Bible so we could have probably figured it out right but you never know when it's just a matter where you're at whether you're waiting in line or whether you're in your car and somebody takes and put goes comes in front of you being kind is really nice actually I was listening to strong tower radio today anybody else doing that today listening to your radios in your are reason in your tents so you can hear some of the meetings and the lady said we need to be we need to be willing to bless people without any expectations and then also don't your joy is so much higher and like wow that's a where he bought. Or. Anybody can help him is a 93.5. K. so again another goal to love Jesus I think those are really goals so when you think about that that's what we're going to do in the seminars we're going to try to get our kids to the place where we are helping them to function as best we can now I want you to know that some of you have kids with special needs and I I don't have the specialized for those special needs kids there are kids with lots of needs personality disorders illnesses autism or whatever and and I'm I'm stereotyping we're talking about the kid who doesn't have those issues but there are things that you can certainly learn in the summer even if you have a child with those issues. 2 thirds of parents today admit they spoil their kids so if I took this room 2 thirds right you know I need fourths. OK So let me see 123 so all these people spoil and you over here are doing a good job. Isn't it kind of sad do you see it. I was just at T.J. Maxx the smart in the young little boy was standing on a metal rock and his mother is looking at the stuff he's banging and hitting and taking hangers and slam you can hear it all through the store and she's going Matthew stab. Bang bang bang bang matter what I think. Bang bang bang bang what is Matthew wanting. Mother's attention is he getting it it's getting kind of a bad attention right you know she's not really serious about what she's doing right so then you know the mother had a really good discipline she said OK I'm going to camp out. Bam bam bam bam I said I'm going to carry out. Then she goes more 1. To. Bang bang I'm waiting nothing. She must have been busy was another record close he needed that attention he wanted that mound or it didn't e he was just dying to get her tension but she had her mind somewhere else and that's what happens is when we're not looking you never know right I was 1 time sitting on the front you know I didn't really like my daughter out playing without me watching her all the time so I sat on the front couch and she was playing with a playmate in our front yard and my back was to her and I was reading the newspaper my mind was off my daughter was in. And then the girls came in about 20 minutes later and they go did you see that man I said what MAN Well the man that came up in the car No I didn't see that man what you mean he came right here you mean right here at the curb Yeah I came up to the curb and you know he opened the door and he wants to show him on the map where Southaven was and I said a stranger and what did you do while we were scared so we stood on the curb and he kept saying No Come show me the map come show me the map behind my back I was only a couple feet away but I was behind the picture window with my mind on something else and she said we thought that's really kind of silly isn't it a man can't read a map by himself he has to act yes kids that are like 7 and 8 to help them I'm like You're right that was not OK and I thought so many times we just have our mind somewhere else don't we and it could have been a. Situation you need to keep our minds focused all the time there are parents who believe that when their kids are playing video games or watching television that it's good for them. What could be good about video games is there anything you can think of I have parents who tell me yes but you know I want them to be a computer person sometime and that gives them a good ability and skill to try and figure out how to do the computer but I'm thinking that there's really a real truth of what happens when we have our kids investing their time in that what happens for the mother or the father. They've got some time to them right so maybe we say that with the truth is that we are tired and we just need time to ourselves. All. And usually they love your involvement too like when my mom told me to go out regular leaves the leaves didn't get done you know I found bugs on the leaves and then I could make them into mounds and then but then when mom or dad came out we got the leaves done and they showed me how to do it now there's something about mentoring your children and something right they want your time here's what studies say video games are played in 70 percent of families with adolescents and video games or road family values can you figure out how that would happen. When they're in a video game who's the hero they are right king of the universe right there. So actually a long period of time being the king makes you feel that you're very empowered. What happens when you get off the video game and your mother tells you to pick up your shoes. Well that just doesn't go along with the fact that you were just the king of the world right so you can see that they start to get really resentful because they're treated completely different in the video game the other thing is that many kids are playing violent games and most of the parents who discovered that said they did not know that their kids had been playing hours before that there was some study it went in and it was interviewing students and then they went to the parents and the parents said what games what violent games so the parents were completely unaware they said when they are watching a lot of increased violence that they have more aggression towards their family members and their animals. Is that a good thing children who have no street strictures with videogames if my mother told me when I was young and Laurie there's ice cream in the refrigerator you just help yourself to anything you want we got strawberry gluten in Carmel and butter because and then we've also got Malto cereal and granola and some apples do you think I was going to go for the granola and apples. What And have you ever seen kids who will eat themselves sick when you have no restrictions on building video games will you continue to play video games because you have to keep getting into the next level so it becomes addicting How do kids act when they're addicted to video games their reason they're sullen and angry they don't want to participate in family activities they always want to get away to go back and play they're mad when you made them stop there are people who come in all the time actually I seem I don't see children anymore I have to tell you that when I saw children at men I need to talk to a principal and a counselor and the family physician and maybe the teacher and maybe the babysitter and it was just a lot of work when you only saw people for an hour to start making all those phone calls so actually not many people want to see children anymore it's just so and involved. Well when I see parents I hear from the parents and many of the problems between the parents is how to. Deal with a child who's very addicted to video games who doesn't want to participate in any family activities who doesn't want to come to the table when it's dinner time who doesn't want to go to church who wants to know how long they have to be at every think they want to get back to their video games and so this is caused a lot of problems and sometimes there's people who are passive and they let things go and going go and then they're man and they're so mad at their kids and then their their spouses upset that they're upset at their kids and it's because they're not taking charge and doing it in a healthy way that's we're going to work out. Over indulgence always proves an injury to children this is by Ellen White again and again this is not a judgment this is like an encouragement to really get on it it is cruelty to allow wrong habits to be formed how many of you have have some wrong habits and it was really hard to get through them like a coffee have a or or something where you. Stayed up late in the night and then you couldn't hardly function at work the next day is it hard to get over those things absolutely So when as children and that it's being formed in their character as they're growing up that's really a big trouble children are not to be taught to do as they please do not release your children from what you have required them to do do not allow yourself to become careless. If you lose your temper you lose the respect of your children it's really hard isn't it hard not to being greedy when the kids act like children. Never scold Hullo never permit scolding in the home. So the another words like I have a young girl who was telling me the other a few weeks ago how her mother has been very very angry very mean she throw things she would shove them etc And I said well you know I'm trying to be encouraging Well at least you have a really nice father she said I don't respect my father I said really he seems to be such a loving father she said he's watched this for years and he never ever said anything to my mother about stopping the behavior because he doesn't want to be in trouble at home. And she said so I have suffered a lot because my dad was. So she has a really poor relationship with both of them. Very important to stop what's going on in your in your home when it's not appropriate as parents you stand in the place of who. To your children and you are to be on guard. Bad habits are more easily form than good ones did you hear that and if you try to start walking every day you're going to stop eating sugar. You're going to what else going to drink 8 glasses of water a day it's hard to get good ones established and then what happens if you stop just like for a day yeah it takes far less time and pains to spoil the disposition of a child it is only by what did you see how often we need to be watching him. Constantly watching and counter working the wrong that we can hope to make the disposition right this is not with a wry this is not with a gun this is like encouragement moving forward the Lord will be with you is that encouraging I'm going to say that again I hope you'll say men the Lord will be with you. As you try to form right habits in your children but you must begin the training process when. Or your future work will be very difficult you're seeing a tree and it's growing and also the the limb goes the wrong way and you kind of like tie it and you want to bend it in a certain way but it keeps on going that way or how about a cowlick anybody got Calyx I haven't checked my here today to Dennis the Menace is right here and as I walk across I think oh no they're probably going to stick up it's like so hard to make it calm and go get calmed down Bear in mind that your children belong to who and are to become his sons and daughters he designs that families on earth shall be samples of family in heaven what will our heavenly families be like No May I come in and courage them and love time together respect like you can only imagine what it would be like that and we want to be the same way but it's so easy when we're around each other to take each other for granted is not and to actually think about that and if we're not thinking about it and we don't keep our focus on where we're going we might not accomplish with what God wants us to do. Here's another 1 what percent of parents say that their kids would prefer going shopping rather than going on a family outing 50 percent and what they did is they found out that kids are so impressed by the things that they see on television and images the kinds of stuff to buy that they found out that kids will buy things because they want to keep up with everybody else but they don't want to do things with their family I hope that's not true in your family but I'm just saying that it is happening in a lot of families out there no other generation has had more access to the Internet than this generation has it always been good. They have the ability to enter a private world right where nobody's talking to him no one's interrupting and they're focused very much on the subject that they're in there's a lot of fantasy that goes on there's a lot of people that meet partners and fantasy worlds I can tell you that when they come in for counseling they're a mess because guess what their relationship was based on fantasy is not workin this undermines a lot of our family life in our parental authority if you truly feel that your children will hate you if you say no to them you will want to be their friend right we have another issue going on and that's we've never had more divorces than we have had in this generation and when you have divorces What does that do to a parent who doesn't get to see their child and influence them as much as they used to what does that make them fear that they're going to lose them and that they're going to have no influence on them and chances are that when you only have 50 percent or less you really don't have as much influence and so what happens is the kids may learn a way to manipulate their parent. We live in an evil world I don't know that they get up and go I wonder how I can manipulate my parent but it just happens right or if a parent says no you can't do that you have to go to work you have to do your homework before you go to bed so then they go to what do they do they go to the next peer and going you know I don't have any homework do you think that I could stay up a little later you have you ever heard that where they go to another 1 because it's just inborn that rebellion we are born into sin and we keep on working in sin and kids will manipulate their parents and what will they do to a divorced parent they manipulate him or in fact. The toy companies will watch the statistics for divorced parents because they know that their toys their sales will rise did you know that we have waves in the United States and when the economy goes down there's more substance abuse and there's more there's more physical abuse so the divorce rate goes up and the toy economy knows that they're going to sell more toys and that something did you realize that there's a lot of stuff out there going on. You have to be really responsible and allow yourself not to be manipulated and that means how do you do that you have to realize that you're doing the things that you know that your heavenly Father once you do not because it always feels good or that it feels practical because your emotions are not a good guideline of what you need to do your head is. Parents are wrestling with defiant kids all across the nation have you heard it has that or shooting parents parents or shooting kids there's a war being waged block by block house by house across the United States right when we see these things where our bus runs and of people or somebody is out shooting people in these public things that somebody is child isn't that an angry child and it's really sad but parents have a lot of power over their children if you look at a lot of the statistics and research when they look and talk to kids kids mostly say they really want their parents' attention their time their opinions and they really care what their parents think about them is not something you would think they'd have nothing anymore but no they really do want some help the majority of parents admitted they buy products they know are what for their kids because the kids said they needed them. We used to tease my daughter because she needed an ice cream cone you ever need an ice cream cone. My mom would say would do you 1 and do you need it or you want it I need it and I want it yes that's right we have to share we have to show them what is the difference between needs and wants right I need to be fed right now well we probably won't die but it would be nice to eat right I need that pink shirt waltz you don't need it but you want it. Very important differences. They said that there's never been a time when we're more prosperous You may feel poor today you may feel like you know how much money but guess what kids are getting more stuff than they've ever gotten before kids are getting it earlier than before their age and before the limits of what they can do with it and. They are also when let's say OK you're going to be a parent what is your 1st knee. DRI Dear Diary OK So Dear diary as a parent and her son wants an i Pad tomorrow. And he's really mad he's going after Dear diary I'm happy I'm having a little hard time there and Joanna OK So anyway what he's doing is he's depending on her right if she looked at him and said What are you going to do to earn that well then it would be on his shoulders but he's like when are you going to get it for me I need it my my my my friends say I need I need it for enough sign whatever so now he's made himself dependent on his mother do you see what happens when we do that because a soon as we start to hand our kids something now we think that only my parent can satisfy that for us and there's no responsibility on me so that's another issue. Earning to the yes children who had a nickel or a dime they ask them what do they want when they're young they want the nickel because it's bigger they have to learn the value of the dime right they also another thing they do that just makes all kinds of things come up I probably shouldn't be going off on they put Eminem's Now I loved Eminem's when I was little any of you like when you're big too OK so they put in Amman am in front of a child and they go you can have that Eminem when I get back but I'm going to be out of the room for a few minutes and then they go out of the room have you ever seen this what is what are the most of the children do. They look at it and. They have a 2 way thing there licking it. And put it back and then. They're like like and what they found is when they track the kids that could not wait versus the ones that waited the ones that waited were more persistent they were able to finish projects they were more focused on what they were doing but the ones that were impulsive they had to have it now were the ones that made faster judgement calls and got into more trouble so very important that we teach them to wait. Maybe that's why is it Jacob and Rebecca given that was Isaac and Rebecca Jacob and Rachel memory waited so long for her and he loved her more than the other wife and I'm like you waited for her a long time so you really appreciated her that's right maybe that's a good thing for us to think about when it comes to love and marriage. Exhausted parents disengage from their kids by getting on the Internet when they finally get home oh have we ever had a society that's worse than right now I had a couple come in a few weeks ago and the husband said you know the kids really want to be involved with you I'm involved with the kids she kept saying he said but when you come home they really want your attention and you get on your phone she said yes but I don't get on my phone for the whole night he said no when you go to bed you finally get up your phone but the kids you know had 1 talk to you about school or what they need to do and you're always tell them no not right now can't you see I'm busy and she's on her phone he said and I'm usually fixing the dinner or cleaning up whatever you know he's being the martyr but you know he was doing the work and the marriage is not going to make it because of other issues and. And I said How are your children doing and she said they don't want to live with me they want to live with their father and he said but I'm the 1 who takes them to church and I'm the 1 who plays with them and I'm the 1 who takes me to school and you just sit on the couch watching your phone they want to be involved with you if you just stop that. And I thought how sad it is and how many homes are like that right we are addicted to our technology are they not I have a new teen age you know not a teenager and I shouldn't say that maybe I'm on recording but I have a son in my home now I haven't had him for a long time and I've been teasing him because he's on his phone all the time and I said. Would you like me to put a hook right here and he's like why why mother why would you want to cook there I said because we could hang your phone on it and then when we have a conversation I'm going to pretend that you're looking in my eyes when you're really watching the phone anyway oh. He's really trying to slow it down. Yeah oh. There are so many things to talk about and I just don't know where to go 1st but I want to give you time for questions at the end Oh there are people who are divorce a feel they have to compete with the other parents so they try to give more and more and more but does it really buy love and respect. Actually it it actually is really harmful for children to remember I remember as I was growing up my mom used to talk about somebody whose child they just would hander money and let her go to the theater and she really wanted them to go with them but today they just hand them toys and items and hope that they're going to love them but in the end nobody gets the love that she really wants do they. The majority of parents allow their kids to buy a bag because they said they needed the item the other thing is they want to compete with their friends and their parents are very fearful that they're not going to be popular unless they do the things that their friends are doing kids will do all kinds of things to manipulate their parents can you tell me what they would do. It make you feel guilty how would they do that oh. Yes You're great yeah that's right anything else. That's not. Fair. Yeah because you know Jim has 1 why don't I or you know everybody has that right you don't. Hear God Now 1 what else stilly Oh. Yeah yeah and then they're nice people too evidently you know they love them better than you do yeah. So yeah I'm going to say it to the microphone a 10 year old wants a cell phone and so she's been working on this issue and what. He'll say everybody in my class has 1. She said Should I call everyone in your class to see whether you have 1 I have to do yeah. How about. Some of you say well I'm not a parent but if you're an auntie or an uncle or a grandmother or a surrogate parent. Do you think you could be manipulated to I know somebody who's got a very troubled child and she is so good at sucking people into her story she doesn't like it because she has found Reese of what she cannot do in her family so she will go to teachers or preachers or whatever and then say you have no idea why mother does. She's never treated me fair and they all like well I understand I didn't have all the love I needed when I was young too and you can come to me it's not a problem to be friendly to people but sometimes you want to might want to validate their story and find out what the real truth is because otherwise if you say to somebody yes you have the worst life and things are really bad and I don't know how you can get along with this family we've just isolated them right from that because they have another person depend on. Affluenza ever heard of it. Children who feel entitled Are respond irresponsible and make excuses for their bad behavior because their parents have not set proffer boundaries by the way none of my. Programs that I'm doing this week are copyrighted I would be happy to send it to you if you're tired of taking notes if there's a way you can teach some of these things in your churches I'm happy to let you have my Power Point So I'm going to tell you my. Email and you can send a request. That OK it's Laurie L A U R I E the 1st 3 letters of my last name S. and Y. at aol dot com and I'm happy to send it to you there was a psychologist he was asked to testify at the court of a 16 year old who drove a brand new car while she was drunk and she killed 4 people and he told the court affluenza is impacting American kids all across the nation these kids cannot be serious and mature enough with all the stuff that they've been handed by their parents they've got too much they've got too much stuff and this is case was Carlo Egnor 17 Coral Gables Florida she spent the afternoon drinking tequila with her friend that's pretty hard liquor. Then she charged on her American Express card all kinds of stuff at the bar for her other friends and then she sped off in her high performance Audi she was 17 so 1 year from her getting her driver's license as she was texting on her on her phone she ran over a 16 year old honor student who was out roller blading she was charged with drunk driving and manslaughter when she was given her trial date her loving parents asked the judge if it was OK if they postpone the date because Carla was going to be spending the summer and in Paris with a friend that summer. So she became like the poster child for affluenza but they have too much and they don't know what to do to deal with it right we're. Just some and I'm going to repeat that he's a person who works in a parts store across the lot across the road from my used car lot. So a lady was waiting to drive into that car lot and somebody behind her was texting a young girl and she ran into the back end of that car demolished her car. They both pulled into the used car dealership. The police show. The phone and says yes man after. All There's a lady saying she. Looks at the old and it says I'm so sorry I'll texting all of us so the girl got out after the lady was got out of her car holding her neck and she said to the Laney I wasn't even texting and I know what our 1st yeah so please show. While. Please show off and while they are writing the girl a ticket holder those. Are the 17 year old girls her drive. Father bought her another car and let her drive away from the scene of an accident. It's incredible That's incredible is that really about love. The article says that they interviewed 6 year olds How old were they. The parents allowed them to they thought they were all doing pretty good and they thought that their kids were pretty well behaved what they found was that many of the 6 year olds were completely addicted to technology and video games they found 11 year olds playing video games like Assassin's Creed which is a bloody violent game and they they found a significant number of them were playing with strangers on the Internet that they didn't know and had never met that was just a little sample. Instead of playing ball outside they found that the 13 year old girls you know they were talking about boys were on the Internet rather than going out and exercising the 13 year old girls were shopping for sexy lingerie and underwear Victoria's Secret because the ads on their technology encourage them to buy and to look good it's a trend they had really hammered that down and they also found that boys that were 13 year olds were that a significant number of them were paying playing X. rated games that were violent We love our kids so much don't we this young man Dan can learn he's been doing some studying He's a Harvard psychologist and he wrote a book called Raising Cain but he also wrote too much of a good thing and he said the N. doll children are likely to be living with parents or grandparents so here it is that they grow up maybe they're 1819 well what would happen in 1 around 18 or 19 they would graduate from high school and they should be what moving forward to what a job or going to college he found that the majority of them were still living with the parents or grandparents they were very self-centered and they had a distorted sense of entitlement I deserve this you should do this for me if I need a job you should get it for me that kind of thing if I need technology you know you should give it to me that kind of stuff. He also found out that they many of them when he tested him acted very irresponsible and they rarely acknowledged their problem they made excuses for their bad behavior and many times they blamed their parents for any of the problems that they were having He also found out that many of them had grown up with little discipline and had very poor boundaries and what do we need by a boundary. And what. Relationship with parents who are can let's get a little farther. Rules restrictions they didn't like yes structure they didn't like to have a schedule they didn't like you know how most of our parents would say I want you to eat your peas before you get to have you know some Jell-O. or whatever these children you know they had their Jell-O. 1st and they didn't eat their piece right so they were having a hard time with boundaries they found out that these children had been indulged by their parents they were spoiled and they said many of them said I want what my parents have I deserve what they have even though some of them had probably worked 30 or 40 years to get what they had he also said that he was really significantly impressed with the fact that so many of them had anxiety and depression. So when you feel like you're dependent on other people for your happiness and the world owes you there was a significant amount of depression and anxiety and that there was a significant amount of them because they felt bored and unhappy and dissatisfied with their life that they turned to experimenting with alcohol and with drugs so there was a significant amount of them and we also learned that as they got older they had they were very ungrateful they felt their lives were the worst they didn't think about other people they always thought about why they were unhappy. And he said that many of them had not learned proper social skills or how to be responsible or how to be respectful or whatever he felt that there was a huge problem with them he also said that they were materialistic they already said poor boundaries they needed immediate gratification they weren't going to work for something unless they got it right away and they couldn't wait to hear the Soroti they had poor self control number the Eminem you think about those children they grow up you know kids are impulsive when they're young but you're trying to teach them to be you know to wait to ask for God's help to move forward you know only because it's the right thing to do not because you just want to do it here's another encouragement right let's read that 1st that 1st comment before the comma the Lord will be with you is that encouraging. Mothers as you try to form right habits in your children but you must begin the training process early I was on a board in Lansing in for a nun County and I was on the truancy commission for the governor and I'm sorry for the mayor of Lansing and we would go in and we're trying to help the high school kids and we find out you know there's all these kids that are skipping school they're there mouth off to their parents they're hanging out on the playground their home playing technology while their parents work and we tried to do everything we could coming up with a program to help them and they say. It's been very ineffective we're going to scrap that we need to work earlier so we went to the middle schools and we started working with the middle schools Well guess what in the middle schools is almost like the high schools when some of us were growing up things have changed so much those kids are already the boundaries are already out there are ready been in technology for years and so they said now we need to just scrap that and we need to get to the kids in elementary school do we need to give up on people absolutely didn't did God give a fine. Have you had troubles in your life and the Lord helped you yes but working with kids when they're still growing and developing is certainly the most beneficial time to work with them and says must begin the process earlier your future work will be very difficult teach them a line upon line precept upon precept here a little there a little That's what it runs me of working on my cellphone right then I don't want to hear all about it right now I need little by little and your kids do too they don't want lectures they want to see people doing it they want to see people with skin role modeling he designs that families on earth shall be samples of the family in heaven which is what we heard again earlier here's another thing. These kids had too much of a good thing they said they had been raised to think they could do no wrong member we have this encouraging thing where we're supposed to flatter our kids and go you are so good you did there's so good I don't know how you do that you're just the best in the whole class no I would much be better to say you worked at it and I see that you are accomplishing it you probably have some more practice you need to do but I'm really glad to see that you're persisting that so much different than doing that or how about have you seen the set church and it's really annoying you're such a cute little girl you're good luck lad but you're going to have a boyfriend when you're found like really really like what are we trying to do encourage them to be vain and think that they've got the whole world by their Him We need to balance do you have a boyfriend yet do you have a boyfriend you don't have a boyfriend yet all well then you're There's nothing wrong with you. Yeah we need to recognize that we have to give them appropriate encouragement and praise not flattery they have difficulty coping with disappointments they are just beside themselves it's it's that all or nothing if I don't get everything I want at the moment I want to then everything's a mess we're trying to teach them good coping skills. And then if they don't do that they're again more vulnerable to anxiety and depression they have a tendency to be self-centered self-absorbed and guess what kids who are self absorbed and they can only think about themselves become more focused on how they feel about everything. You know if somebody goes up to you and says you know. You've got to her finger you must be just loser boy how can you even function when you're her finger in the brutal it's really no no it's really good old you are going to like we can really increase their mental health problems and you say you know if you just put a bandage on your finger and we get all cleaned up I bet you can go along and you can play in the sandbox or you can call or whatever and you just need to be careful and then you'll get like we need to help them get through the thing but as soon as we go everything's a mess I don't know how you can do it well we're done right mental health can be also cultivated by a parents. Many have overspending problems Kenya imagine they are that's like here's 20 seen kids who have $100.00 right here's $100.00 going spend what you want rather than saying well let's think about it should we take the tie that of that have you given your offering and what some of the things that you really need to buy with that money and do you need to put away anyone to say look we need mentoring and encouragement right don't just give them to the wolves the devil is out there he brings the old still Now if you haven't given them to him yourself have goals of wall wealth fame an image they believe that there's more special than a word who does that remind you of in the Bible remember the devil. There's a whole part where yes like 8 and coupled verses and when we do that we've got them in a big place where they're going to have some problems. Overeating problems I passed that 1 up but that is a big issue it's all about indulgence. Personal growth or making the community better is not something that they focus on important what is adventurous by the way is that a good thing is talking about the community and how to work with other people of different ages like actually those some of the things in the adventure programs are character builders that they will never give never ever get over because those are things that will help them in their younger age I remember my mom used to say oh adventurism Pathfinders that's just a wonderful babysitting. Experience but she just didn't know the program when you look at those programs there are specific things that they are trying to accomplish with those children and children who have that in their background have a real great benefit to help others when they get to a certain age Jesus spoke to the people and he said in Luke 1215 Take care can we say that when the next protect yourself against the least bit of greed can you say that protect yourself against the least bit of greed life is not divine defined by what you have even when you have a lot is that true. Isn't it amazing when you're on a different subject how that verse speaks to you about that subject. Do you have an indulged child so if you haven't indulged child here's what they might look like just looking to see at our time OK So we go till 445. You might give your child too much you might overdue for your kids there are some parents to do their kids' homework. You don't expect them to do their chores by the way chores help build what character you're teaching them to be workers in the next life but if they think that everybody is going to do things for them they're never going to learn and that's an issue don't enforce your problem rules your child runs you when you don't run them. You allow your child to do things beyond their age like movies ride in cars with other people talk to kids about your marital issues your kids are not your friends you need to hold those burdens I have somebody whose wife is having an affair and he said I I told kids exactly what happened and I'm like well do you want a medal for that. He said well they need to know what their mothers like I said really were you trying to damage their relationship with their mother well no I said I know you're angry at their mother but you just put that on your kids they're going to find out they can figure out things without you telling them and I don't think that it's very good for you to try and hurt the relationship with their mother but you need to watch the burdens you put on their shoulders they are not your friends get a counsellor get a pastor get a friend but do not talk about adult things with your kids your kids go but I want to know I want what is you what are you talking about in here and you say it's for parents to know or are an adult to know and and someday maybe you'll know but it won't be right now well why not it's like you know what I asked you to trust me because I'm doing the right thing for you right now and I do not need to tell you right. Baby a child and tell them they don't treat you right why why did they when when you didn't you know that kind of thing over zealous you're pretty you're smarter than them you start to build this thing where you know they don't have to work at anything it should just come naturally set boundaries put your marriage 1st if you're in a marriage expect respect from your child and people go but it's really hard because I don't have the respect of my child Well it started it's time to work on that right if you need help from a 3rd party get help or if you need to talk to them not in the situation that you're dealing with them but before so that you have a plan do it very important. Allow your child to experience frustrations you know many times we don't want them to be disappointed we would like to make everything good and what happens is we made them think that feelings like grief or sadness or being left out are not OK And so they are trying to desensitize that by maybe a substance or or getting into a bad relationship or whatever we really need to let them feel of the feelings that they feel and say I'm here if you want to talk about it or that must have been really disappointing when you didn't get invited to the party and you felt other kids did or where they didn't give you that i Pad that you wanted so badly I know that must be disappointing but I wonder if we could do something different you know maybe maybe we could do something that they don't do we go miniature golf together. Like we need to help them expect them to do their household chores teach your children to be so winners What does that do gets their mind off themselves and other people have you seen children transformed by a mission experience or by sea experience or by him being in campus ministries or by going to the nursing home and helping people and singing for them or doing something for him there is nothing better than to take our eyes off of ourselves because I wonder on ourselves all the time is when the double just seems to really keep us rolling not fair life is bad by the way of life fair. So any did anyone tell you that it was going to be fair have you ever noticed that when it's not fair you get so annoyed. Because you think that if I would do it that way than other people should it's not going to happen in this world here's another quote The world teems with correcting corrupting influences do you agree. She was talking about this 100 years ago do you think it's even more so today. Fashions than custom exert a strong power over the young is that right you know I work for the ad Mrs Stuart village and we talk about these ladies in these corsets you know member they used to tie them so tight you can see a picture on the Internet about how their organs all kind of transformed when they would do that and that many of those women get pleurisy and lung conditions and they can breathe in and they got sick and sometimes their intestines got smashed and they would actually die from some of the things that they did and they had those hoop skirts where they'd walk around and open hearth and many of those women suffered from being burned sometimes burned up and sometimes just burned and I'm like those fashions were impacting that generation such a negative way and people are tiny Oh but that's kind of the way that they want them to drive now they're doing the course that thing again and everything is never new under the sun they always come back to those unhealthy things. If the mother fails in her duty to instruct guide and restrain her children will naturally accept the evil and turn from good I've had people say well I bring your kids to a Christian school and I'm like this so you can teach them of God Oh yes but you know it's kind of like mind control I mean they need to decide for themselves how they're going to do I'm like did you think that there are other influences that are trying to push them in another way like take them back but every mother go off into a savior with a prayer teach us how shall we order the child and what shall we do on to him I want to keep telling you that God is going to help you these are hard situations God is good he's going to help you your goal is to keep your child on the right path so that he can go to heaven someday or she and I'm like we need to let them be under the influence of the Savior because we are not effective unless God is helping us letter he had the instruction that God has given Him in His Word and wisdom will be given to her as she shall have need get help and support put boundaries on your technology as you can google on the Internet see there is good things on the Internet you can google on the Internet. Boundaries for technology or Internet rules or whatever you can go to images and you can just copy off all kinds of things or you can go to my thing be kind at org or dot com and there are all kinds of technology contracts you can make with your child if somebody is in danger if you're looking at something inappropriate if you're spending too much time this is what's going to happen those are really important and you've got to be mindful and you've got to be there with them and make sure that it happens you don't count to 2 and then forget the 3 OK eat meals together as a family does that sound like an old thing. Did you know that children who eat meals with their family 3 or 4 times a week get more principles and standards from their parents than any other thing not bans not music lessons not Sunday school I'm sorry it was an ad in a study. From Scout troops etc The biggest impact was when they were sitting at the family table together that's where the kids learn the majority of things. I'm getting older I had a young girl a few years ago and she was telling me that oh yeah we dinner at our house every every night and I said every night wow that's like I carry it and she looked at me and she goes I knew who as he is but who's Harriet. She thought as the as a born that was not who I am and OK teach your children the difference between a need no want Did we just say that Forgive yourself for your parenting mistakes have we all made mistakes. All have sinned and fallen short but God loves us and he's going to help you be a parent not a friend we're all born into sin and children do not see the need for self-control and and self restraint and we have to correct them and help them and develop that interest. Responsible action is the duty of all of us people right even when you see something in your church that's not right stand up and make a comment or help that child just really work on and let no man seek his own which I like the. The what does that verse I mean what is the Bible that's got all the extra stuff in it amplified by a lie like the amplified by the let no man seek his own to advance self but every man's man another's wealth So in other words we have a responsibility that we are supposed to watch over other people we've always heard this 1 from Proverbs 226 Why don't we read this 1 Train Up a Child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it I have I visit a lot of churches to speak and I've seen a couple of baptisms in the last year and there are people who've gotten baptized in their eighty's or ninety's and they are tearfully excited when they tell that their parent will be so surprised when they're in heaven because they thought that they were lost and they came in after their parent died so I'm just like encouragement folks if you have a wayward child the Lord is still working on their heart and we're just going to have to pray that that happens make sure your child does the hard things 1st right member I said eat your broccoli before you dessert like give them little things that they have to get their chores done before they do something or or if they want to go someplace they have to make sure that they've got their homework done whatever like give them things that help them you long gate the need to get it done right away so that they learn that waiting for something is more encouraging. Do the next hard thing so sometimes we just need to get hard things out of our life and so maybe we need you know instead of instead of waiting to do the things last that we dislike get them done 1st sometimes that really helps them actually they looked at millionaires in the most of them get all their work done in the morning in the afternoon the kind of free up things and I thought well that's a good thing get it done. Empathy is a game changer when we are trying to teach them boundaries and rules don't go see what you have to do now instead you say I know it's really difficult and you know I love for you I know you can get that done if you want to be an encourager right so empathy is very important that's a piece that are off is often missing with people we're going to talk about that discipline on Friday the different for different ways of disciplining our children and you will see some real things that you'll pick up in there and it's often empathy is out of the authoritarian parent where they want to say Do as I say and not as I do. Matthew 2028 tells us I don't think this is a quote that happy people will have a good life and they make a good life for other people so. That's the end of my talk because I wanted to have some time to talk to you about any questions that you have so anybody have a question that's Can you tell me what your 1st name is and where you're from. Erin from Holland have I talked to a Holland before I was going to say I went to mother's group there. You know they were just research is the history for that. For special needs and this church I am drawing a blank on that which is hard and it's not OK because we have a growing segment of special needs kids and we need to be watching for that but you know there is we have a North American division I think it's an. Org and you can often write questions to the family life department there and they have teams with education at Sutter and they have developed hand books and all kinds of things I would wonder if you if they might give you some resources for that. But there certainly are great resources that are always in this out there so don't get discouraged and maybe if you have a big interest in that you're going to go to churches needing people that are interested in certain subjects to get those things develop so. When you have a passion for it start moving right I'm going to do a singles class tomorrow in my single No I have a passion where I've been going speaking at singles retreats and I thought we need to get this going in Michigan knowing so anyway just like doesn't matter who you are if the Lord gave you some passion for something start moving forward we can use you anybody else a question that you have got your name. From Holland OK You mentioned. Again and. Applebee's is going to 1 of those and I don't have 1 and I was going with what it should be and you know that whole new really good big spirit with the Jews and I mean like my family my Has has not only. When we do it together with my good in the mountains and when I mean that you really want to wish somebody nice you doing well you know this is an off the cuff opinion. Because I can tell you what the statistics are showing 1 statistic says that believe me a and anorexia is reduced when you're having meals together so evidently eating good foods and talking about nutrition and all those things are hopefully something like that would enter into the conversation another thing is that they said the principles of the parents' religious life so hopefully it's not just chatter and laughter and jokes but sometimes it's like well we can expect those things that happen in this world or you know we have a better place someday like if you can make a little comments like that we're all you know they're very much listening and by the way a father's influence is so important in their children so whenever the father can join that would be really important they say that mothers they expect because their emotional to be religious people the kids do but when the father has an interest in religion and he says something openly to him it makes a bigger bang for them and they have more of an interest in spiritual life so you know if you don't have a husband home maybe there's a somebody in your family the spiritual man or somebody that you can include like Aunt and Uncle or or you know that older couple that go to church from time to time or whatever so it sounds like that's really important let me see another statistic about that family meal is that the children have more of an interest in social skills so evidently of the people don't just ignore their kids they must have some good listening skills that the fan family table because they said that kids connected better with adults they looked at I contacted such when they had family meals so yeah those are some Those are what I would assume from the statistics that would be happening to get that to happen. How much time should they spend on the computer I'm going to. Write I can't say that I have an answer for that but when you look at some of the contracts on there they're talking about an hour of supervised time they're talking about whether it's it's for homework or it's for entertainment so we also don't want the kids to think that that they have to be entertained all the time that sometimes they need to find things to do like read it cetera and if they only think that their entertainment comes from the computer it would be a much longer time and so I don't know that I can give you an answer but I think that's something we're going to have to side on your own yeah any other questions yes. Hi Kathleen as you know. The words here. How. Great the same. Was. Once. You know the security. That's really hard I think that that's a discussion and that's like a contract with the grandparents because it let's say it that it was a parent that was doing it like we do have to have a plan we don't really want to give our kid over to indulgence if we can and so. I mean I believe that grand you know parents say no no no and the kid grandparents say yes you know is right is that right yes I know years ago my daughter used to come home with this little slag or you know like go OK indulge child is a good illustration but you have to recognize that if they never affirm your beliefs and your conditions that a lot of time at the grandparents is probably going to be hard. So I think that it's really important to get the grandparents involved in the cut you know the process and have a good discussion never do it in the moment do it when the kids aren't there and you can sit down and have a discussion and I do not believe in taking kids away from their grandparents unless they're divisive to the parents like you know your mother is a mean mother she won't let you do that or you know your dad he's a bad dad because he spanks you and I know that he doesn't care about you like if it was something like that that's an issue but most grandparents really do want to affirm the parents most want to affirm the parents and I hope that you're praying for them too because it is really nice when they're involved in their life and they can be a help instead of a hindrance. Yes I will work. With all of. You. Have these meet. And. So when you're. Going. To be right. I want you. To do whatever. You like. Follow my column. You know. This this is actually a really common problem and some people say to their kids now you know granny says you're going to have chicken nuggets you're just saying no and they're really in this you know this really is hard for them so I think it's really important to talk to the grandparents you very serious about it have a contract I'm like you know it's a real special question maybe you need to work with somebody and talk to them about how to do that because I can't just give you across the board whatever you know there's things that you can move on right that are not that are not standards or principles but when their standards are principles it's like this is black and white and this is what we don't do right I had my daughter somebody at church asked if they could take her home because my husband was in a meeting and when I came home they were watching movies on my television on Sabbath and I said to my daughter which was not right what in the world why wait and they go but they kept telling me that it was OK it was OK and I'm like well we'll never be having that young lady again at our house and then I also asked her and she denied that they had done that so I knew right away that I just couldn't trust her in her care right so I just I don't want to do a thing like that might be a really specific thing to what's going on with your parents or grandparents on the other side. There are parents that are usually very happy to do what the parents want they just want to be able to them a bit. Yes which is a whole another whole another game plan OK we are it's 445 so I'm going to shut down our program and I have prayer and if you have more questions I'm happy to sit here and answer for you let's have prayer Thank you Lord for each person here I I thank you for the warning signals you've given us I thank you for the care and love the that you give us the best thing to do but you don't just leave us on our own that you are helping that you're willing hearts that you're encouraging us that you love us that you want us to have our children raised in the best way and I pray for those that are here that you'll be with each 1 of their children that they represent I pray that you'll be with their words their attitudes their love for their children I pray that they will work hard to keep that goal in mind about getting them to the kingdom and I thank you lord that you have your eye on our children at all times you know their hearts and that you're willing them. A big reassurance and thank you Lord for your love. This media was brought to you by audio verse a website dedicated to spreading God's word through free sermon audio and much more if you would like to know more about audio verse if you would like to listen to more service please visit W W W dot Verse dot org.


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