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Logo of Michigan Conference of Seventh-day Adventists

3. The Well-Disciplined Child

Laurie Snyman

Sponsor

Conference

Recorded

  • June 19, 2017
    10:00 AM

Series

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Let's have prayer Lord I thank you for each person here again the child that they represent our children I pray Lord that you will help us to have a heavenly focus in the summon our Because really what we want to do is say and act in a way that will give our children that were involved with the best chance of getting to heaven and I pray Lord that you will be with the summer and be with my speech with what I say and anything that you impress me to say to these people in your holy name Amen. Well this is about the well disciplined child discipline you know there's all kinds of ideas about discipline I've heard some of the worst things have you heard some terrible things I've heard some very restrictive things I've seen heard some really you know about you rate your child and then you calm down and you're a nice to them Have you heard of that 1 there's like all kinds of stuff it's almost like like a parent with mood swings you know there's all kinds of ideas so we want to go through what the Bible has to say about children but again what is our goal for our children what's the goal to get them to have and right to encourage them to go to have and that is the Vegas deal that we need to be thinking about so here are some verses and I'd like you to read on with me because I just want to make sure they're right on the tip of your tongue so OK ready Train Up a Child in the way he should go I'll even when he is old he will not depart from it now there is a lot of parents who have adult children and they are very depressed over this verse but we do not know beginning to the. Only our heavenly father does and as I mentioned Monday been I travel to a lot of churches and I have seen baptisms of people who are 8070 and 80 and they always mention in the baptistry Oh would my mother be so happy when she sees me and have and really don't give up on our children right. All right let's go to Isaiah 5413 all your children shall be taught by her will and grace shall be the peace of your children every day even though we don't always hear his voice the Lord is teaching our children and he's speaking to them and we don't always know what they're thinking they don't know exactly but we know that the Lord is teaching them because we've got this promise clash and 321 fathers do not provoke your children less they become discouraged so we're going to talk about that kind of parenting style where it's very pushy very aggressive and I think that that's very clear from the Bible that that's not the way that they want us to do it Proverbs 1324 whoever spares the rod hates his son but let's get this part but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him what what is very important that we recognize when a parent is parenting a child that they also what love him and it says diligent and I would say that that is the focus of this entire summer is that we need to be persistent and diligent it's as soon as your eyes are off your child that there could be an issue right the devil is always wait waiting to take charge and as parents we have to be diligent we don't always have that opportunity sometimes they're away from us sometimes they're at a visit with their parent their other parent for the weekend but whenever possible we want to be diligent when the Lord has given us the responsibility and they're under our control so we're going to talk about 4 different parenting styles now I don't want you to get depressed. Because I bet you're going to see yourself and probably all of these but our biggest thing is that we're working on it right don't be impatient because every day is a new day and God works on it and encourages us and gives us a goal and he knows if we just open our hearts and prayer and pray throughout our day he's willing to be there and he didn't say we had to be perfect isn't that a wonderful thing or we all would not be here he said that the wages of sin is death and if he if he pulled that if he finished that then we would not have an earth with people right so God is here to work with us so let's go to the 1st parent and we're going to call that parent. The neglect parent this is often a parent who is having lots of emotional issues do we live in a day and age when there is a lot of emotional issues have we ever seen so many emotional issues as we have in this day and age I work with supervising the pastors here in Michigan and they always say you know what do you think of this and what do you think of that actually sometimes pastors hardly get to do pass during their doing counseling there's so many issues going on and there's things that they've never seen before that are very difficult but that thank you I appreciate that. People who are tired for teen. Mentally Challenged emotional problems having problems with their spouse having substance abuse having trauma they are the ones that are most likely to fall in this category because they're truly tired out I have a teacher here I but there's more than 1 teacher anybody seen parents like this OK this child is often spending way too much time on their own a bored child is a child that gets in trouble. Have you ever seen kids that have too much time on their own. Have you ever been in your house and all sudden it's so quiet and you wonder what is my kid doing and how many of you have walked in and found out I don't know they're cutting their hair or they've just finished opening all the shaving cream cans in their room or they're decorating the walls of their house of their bedroom with something that is inappropriate like kept Herman at marker or something like that so whenever we are having them under our supervision we know that when they're quiet we better watch out right. Is it tiring to have children. You know they always talk about there are such a gift from God but they forget and I'm tired right so understandably you're tired but it's we're talking about parents that consistently are not involving themselves with their children or not connecting with their children I had a friend who told me that as she was growing up that she would have ear infections she could even smell her ears how bad they were they were such so infected with pus and all the rest her mother would not bring her to the doctor. They're talking now in statistics that shoulder and who are neglected have more emotional problems than those who are abused Yeah there's something about not feeling loved or like you're taking care of or that you have anyone you can go to so that's also another thing for us is that when you see children that seem once someone neglected to offer your love and care for them and tell them that they can call you are or they can be around you. Some of the youth pastors have said that 1 of the biggest problems they have is with children who just are completely empty and they just constantly want to call them over and over all throughout the day because they need a friend so badly we have a lot of lonely children out there another illustration of. Neglectful children if they feel really little attachment with adults they may try to attach but then they resent them because they don't think they can trust them so they're very distrustful of adults here's this is from add in the psalm it says before visitors before every other consideration your children should come 1st you think about that when the phone rings when you're at the dinner table when you have a boyfriend or girlfriend when you have somebody who you want to impress your child is still the priority even how this might be hard to say even if you choose to do a blended family you had your children 1st you have to think about that their safety is very important the labor do your child during its early years will admit of no guilt there is no time in its life when the rule should be forgotten so this is a very serious thing is to give the child the time they need. This child does not get love predictably they don't know you know there's Have you heard that kid that says Mum I'm whole when they come home from school predictability is really good they want to know what's going on I see when I used to see children I felt really bad there were children that had schedules like you can't believe because of parenting time and because of parents work thing and so little children are trying to remember where they're supposed to go and which bus they're supposed to get and where they're needed to stop and some of them get stomach aches and acid reflux and they get stressed and their parents get frustrated because they've already told them the schedule but more children have to worry about schedules than ever before because of all the new things that are going on they may have poor nutrition or health care shelter academic support I talked to somebody who was telling me that she had a family move in with her and that the mother was on the phone all the time with her boyfriend and she said but I can't help them with their homework and they're failing and they're getting behind and she said you know I have my own work I have to correct papers and all that but I can't you know deal with the children and she said it's so sad to see the children falling behind because the parent won't get off the phone and help them with their homework and then they this person was very upset when that mother moved him in the middle of the year to go live with her boyfriend another area so they were in another school and 1 of the children didn't do well so they picked that 1 up and sent her to the grandparents so that would been 3 schools. In her life I've talked to when I was on the truancy committee for Lansing for Ingham County I talked to some of the 1st grade teachers in some of our inner city schools and they told me that whoever they had on the 1st day in their school rarely did they have the same children at the end of the year because so many of them don't pay their rent so many of them are in very poor housing and they move around or they move in they crash into people's cars or whatever they just almost like a homeless person and they constantly are moving and then they can't get them to school and that they rarely see the so it's continuity for the teacher they have a really hard time we're talking about extremes but I'm sure many of you have seen some of these pieces in the people that you interface with because it's becoming so common no boundaries especially if you have a substance abusing parent you might have a rule right now that this is what we need to do right now and then the next day when they're not drinking they don't have that rule and so the kid doesn't know how to react and what to do. And so this is a child that needs attention and how do they get it it is negative attention which could result I mean by doing what acting out especially when they're teens could be in a gang could be sexual promiscuity could be drugs and alcohol but they never get the attention truly that they needed right or even inappropriate relationships with an older person in a sexual relationship because at least the person cares about me and so you'll see them sacrifice certain things. So it really results in some really emotional scars it's just sad to talk about isn't it because most of you love children work with children have. A heart for children and nobody wants to see kids that way OK So then we have the off the word Tarion parents that's the next 1 now you might have pieces of this and that's OK but we want to talk about if they're all this if they're completely this way in many ways they are harsh in their limits very harsh they are do as I say and not as I do and that's a problem because how many children have you heard say I want to be just like my dad. Or just like my mom or when I grow up I'm going to be like my grandpa and my Uncle Solomon so so you understand that they are watching this is often the family that has problems with anger many people say where did that anger come from will often if they are in a family were a lot of anger was spewed in all kinds of situations they have a really hard time not reacting that way black and white. Should we be black and white about certain things what should we black be black and white about. No sex before marriage OK So standards principles. Safety Lying there are children who don't even know when they're telling a lie they get to a certain age where that's not OK but I just meant there's some that have quite the imagination but. Many times people are black and white on stupid things like we're going to eat at 5 o'clock and not 5 a 1. Oh well you know my fingers bloody well come to the table with a bloody finger because we said you know it's like so there are things where we just like split hairs over it's not necessary there was a book called Why sweat the small stuff my dad used to sweat the small stuff my dad was really good to me as a daughter but he was very harsh on my brother and I remember family battles at the table my brother was told to lean over you can only hear it about 8 times during 1 meal he never leaned over adequately he never pushed his chair into the table I suspect that I did know is lean over and I suspect that I did know his have my chair up to the table properly but he wasn't looking for me he was looking for my brother and there was just this constant defiance What do you think my brother did. Yeah left home early got kicked out of a Cademy got kicked out of university. Started to not me involved and my parent for 2 parents for 20 years came back in after like 20 years of being gone and I'm glad that for the most part the relationship was healed but there was damage done because my dad was very harsh on him and is a genetic I don't think it's genetic but when I look at I have. 8 brothers and I mean 8 uncles and aunts and guess what all the men in that family were very harsh on their voice and very easy on their girls we have to be very cautious that we try to teach our children fairly as much as possible whether they're young versus the old whether they're female versus male we have to be very careful parent lacks empathy Have you ever heard of. The helicopter mom. The 1 that hovers over children all the time is constantly telling her to do and then when they go to college they fall apart because they had their mother doing all the thinking form right. There is just I'm trying to think of who it is and it's a Christian author and he talks about letting kids have the natural consequences for their behavior. But there are parents that when they do the program are so harsh with their Doing this has got to that look at what you have to do like if a child doesn't get out of bed if a child doesn't get out of bed on time and stead of saying well you're going to have to go to school with your hair on combed and no breakfast so I guess that that's the way you want it they go SEE I TOLD YOU DENY and look at we have to do it all the kids are going to be laughing now so like it sabotages working on that so we have to be really careful of our attitudes. There is often arguing and fighting between the parents and the children. Never heard of battles and homes. You thought there was a battle of Gettysburg they may not have always died but there is a lot of battles are we wounded by some of the things that are said to us Don't you remember that day a saying sticks then May but words will never hurt me who told you that like how many of you have had her knees and they all healed but you remembered something someone said to you things are really hurtful are they not I know somebody who's up here and he told me that in his church that there were people who would point to him and say you'll never amount to anything and he was always angry at his church and he carried it through Actually it's our responsibility start working on it right because we have people who act silly everywhere and not with a very good. Good brain power sometimes we need to forgive them but there are many people who let those things mark them for their entire life to be very careful and authoritarian teachers those are pretty harsh to write some people learn a lot from them but they are scared of them. I think of this young man who's from another country who told me that there were teachers that were so abusive as he was growing up that there were kids that would actually fake stomach aches or illness or would not get their studies done because they were afraid that the next teacher was going to be worse and they'd want to stay in the same grade you know that's pretty rough OK here's something from Child Guidance when you are obliged to correct a child do not raise the voice to a high key Why is that when we're angry our voices can go. We get louder we get more forceful get more angry do not lose your self-control. Really people don't respect people when they lose their self-control they remember how foolish they looked right I still have in my mind somebody who is losing in a campus Sava with somebody and I just like every time I see that person that that vision comes into my mind it's not that I haven't forgiven them and it wasn't towards me it's just was so shocking that you know that that person can get to that point be that ugly and that mean. Do not lose self control the parent who gives way to anger is more it fault the child. I learned something as I was in my social work school I was telling something that my daughter did that was not easy and my supervisor at the counseling office said so she was just acting her age. I got to remember they're right so I used to say to Kristen when she would act she would have a meltdown at 3 and say why you're just acting just like a 2 year old and she'd say I'm 3 and I'm like OK. But sometimes I wanted to act like an adult so I would I would have to say you know you just act like a 3 year old and she'd say I am 3 Mani like that's right that's right we're reminding me right how many of you would say that you were raised by a 3rd Tarion parent and you OK we all survived right. But the truth is that we don't always feel warmed up to go to that parent to get some advice or to enjoy them on a regular basis because we might have been more fearful of them a young lady was telling me that she came home from college just recently and her father was sitting in the kitchen and he said why don't you sit down and eat and she said No no she said I made toast and brought it to my room and I said you don't feel comfortable she said No my father was always mad about something and with my mom not being there I just don't want to be alone with him and I said Are you frightened of him she said I guess there isn't any reason well she said he had pushed me around a little bit but she said he hasn't done it for years but no I don't you want to be in the same room and I said maybe we need to talk about forgiveness she said I forgave him but that still doesn't repair our relationship piece never acknowledged to this day how he's treated me all of my life that's true isn't it here's another thing from the review and herald parents never act from impulse was that what we do every day make sure you pray because when you're acting on impulse it's not always the best way of managing your children never correct your child when you are angry Woah really really really. Like calm yourself down count to 10 and go in the other room pray the Lord will help you. So never correct your child when you're angry for you will know mold him after your own image Woo hoo. Actually I saw. On line somebody said I was always afraid I'd act like my dad and now that I've grown up I'm afraid that I won't act like my dad who is always consider it because I'm just like we need to know that even though somebody doesn't say that they want to act like us just because they shared the way they acted throughout our life we will often take on their behavior. Impulsive passionate non reasonable is what we do not want you can be firm without violent threatenings or scoldings right well I'm a social worker and so I did everything right do you think I have told this story many times and you probably maybe you've heard it but my house in Kalamazoo was the parsonage and across the backyard you could see the church where the people would walk to the parking lot and that Sabbath my husband had preached a little bit long and I had rushed home to get the food into the oven because I hadn't figured out the time Maria and I could see the people walking towards the house that were coming for dinner and it was quite a load and so when I got the house I couldn't believe that my daughter had every stuffed animal from her bedroom out on the floor and I really was not a yeller that just wasn't my style but I was firm and I said to my daughter get your stuff put away immediately the people are coming so she grabbed the whole thing and then she started to run up the stairs and then she thought about it she put her and her hip. And she was about 3 or 4 and she said you know everybody likes you and they think you're nice but I know that you're not nice all the time. I said all this sounds like a mommy dearest book that was out at that time. I said I hope you don't write a book about me and she said I just might and she went up stairs lawyer who I was really freaked out when she went into journalism at college but I was glad to tell you that she wrote books and they were in on me and she became a physical therapist that's really encouraging. And now I've got Carlo in my family and you know it's been like a honeymoon because I'm a new parent to him but you know what he said to I said something about I said something and I added a little flavor to it to make it more exciting right I am balanced a little bit just a little bit and he looked at me and he said Mother you spice things up a bit don't you and my husband said yes. He's figured you out now I'm like OK And by the way isn't your family that really tells you how you things really are yeah if you thought that you were something and just go to your family and they'll dress you down right. Authoritarian parents. Before you cause your child pain here's another thing from the review Herald let your erring little 1 see that you love him. You will manifest real sorrow we need to be sympathetic you say I'm not a nurturing person I'm not an emotional person so what it's a good thing to do right when it's a good thing to do act on it there's times when you would like to line your kids up and slap them all right isn't it a good thing you didn't ya isn't it a good sometimes you feel like throwing their shoes at them because they left him all over the news tripped on him but we need Didn't it's a good thing so make sure that you practice behaving the way you should practice behaving even if you don't feel it you will manifest real sorrow because you are compelled to cause him suffering you will be for God See we need God's help with your child and with a heart full of sorrow ask the Lord to forgive you will pray that Satan may not have control of his mind cause this and that you know you may think where did this kid come from why are they so evil What in the world we are fighting against powers and what Prince a pallet we can see all those things in our house but we know that the old devil wants to hurt our families and he will send those people I mean that well into our home you were present before the sympathising by the way isn't it nice that we have a simple Redeemer his own words Suffer the little children and forbid them not to come unto me for such is the kingdom of heaven don't we all have to be children to get into the heaven yeah that prayer will bring angels to your side what did it say that prayer will what. Does that make you happy happy. And your child's heart will be broken in penitence I hope so. But sometimes you have to have a little help from God right to convict that heart if you're doing it all by yourself you're going to be really lonely The Lord has promised us. No authority parent is a bully they say you know. Some kids were mean to me today mother and you and they go Well what did you do to make them so mean. Like OK or you know I dropped my my book on my foot well I guess she won't be so clumsy right like they're ready with an answer you need to be. Authoritarian parents but these children often have really so low self-esteem will that impact them throughout their life absolutely they never feel good enough anybody ever felt that way never good enough well let me tell you. The Savior says that you are worth everything to him we need to adapt the way he thinks about us and not the way that a parent thinks about us because we are special. Teens tend to look for love in all the wrong places so when they feel unloved they will look for acceptance in the wrong places I have had some homeschooled children that have come in and they were brought into a high school situation for the 1st time in their life but they really didn't connect with the parent that was homeschooling them and where do you think they want or group of people all the kids they had drugs and had drama going on so that they felt like they were really a part of it I'm not saying that ALL homeschoolers do that I'm just saying that sometimes when we're not connecting you can see the problems with the way the Children Act results in emotional problems for this kind of a parenting style again I'm trusting of adults disregard for authority and protect self which by the way if you e-mail me I will be happy to send you and Kathy of my Power Point so that you can have it yourself. OK now or to the push over parent the permis a parent we talked about this person on our 1st day here we talked about the parents that just given the technology and don't have boundaries this is a parent that wants to be the friend of their child they don't want to have a conflict they don't like anybody to feel upset that they avoid conflict and guess what your kid may get upset doing the right thing and they may not be upset doing the wrong things so when you make them make the problem not getting upset you may have a child that's wandering into the wrong territory they fear making their child angry whining in tears results and getting what they want I remember working at Apple Valley market putting my husband through the seminary and they always put gum and candy in those grocery store lines don't they and how many kids a day do you think you hear when you're a checker because those kids want to go and candy and the parents for the most part were always good and they always said no you can't have it you know or I'll get you a piece and then we'll eat it later after dinner or whatever I had lots of good parents but 1 day and of course I was in a parent so it's so I knew exactly what to do with parents right 1 day this kid was school. And there was stuff coming out of his that was an ad of his new. Mom wasn't wiping his face and said she took him a candy bar and said OK have a candy bar be quiet. Well you know I just had the hardest time not saying anything. Because I have so much to say you know I have an opinion I'm a saying 1. Side said well I guess he was rewarded wasn't me saying as I'm checking out she said. Are you a parent like apparently not she said Well when you have a child like this you will understand that you don't like to hear their stuff after a while and you will give in to and I thought maybe I hope I never do but you have to be stronger than your kids don't you parents who feel guilty. Parents who feel guilty of our marital situation not having a marital situation about the time that they spend with their kids whatever well I often given the children and let them have what they want they don't always think about what's the goal what do I need to do to get to my goal they're thinking about right now in the here and now the child gives too much power to the young of an age so what could that be illustrated by anybody can think of something that they would have that would be not appropriate. Technology What cars cell phones you up. Even food yeah oh you got all the ice cream in the fridge or eat I mean freezer that you want to just eat it all day because I'm not going to be home and just and they come home and you're so they're sick. They do not teach boundaries you know we parents are teachers they have to teach they can't just let things happen because kids are born into a kind of a world a sinful world and they accent fall they may look sweet and innocent but they scream right when they don't get what they want their self weren't and you have to try to bend the twig children child manipulates the parents how do they do that you don't love. You love my brother more than me. It's only because they are loved but you won't LET we do that. They can do all kinds of things I see a child manipulates a parent twice OK parents. Yeah parents focus too much on why age child does something and when there's an excuse so overexplaining So let's say that a 16 year old wants the car OK I'm going to give you an illustration of a parent like this so a child the teenager let's say Mark wants the car and the mother starts to explain she said Well no because I need the car well then he wants know why do you need the car and she says because I I might go out tonight so that he says so what time are you going out tonight what is he doing. Trying to figure out when he can get the car right she says no I might go out at 9 Well then I'll just have it at 10 well no I don't want you to have it why don't you want me to have it do you ever feel this way like a dance but wouldn't it be nice if the mom in the perfect world had the respect of the son and when he started to act like that she put some boundaries on it so he says Can I have the car and she said What did you want the car for rather than just saying no because he thinks she's never listening right and he says well I need some pencils at the store and she said well we have pencils in the house and you can get those and he says but I want to go to the store and get the pencils and she says Well I think I've already told you that you're not taking the car tonight. And if he says why she says I don't think that I need to explain why I've already told you I want your respect if you don't and if you don't if you continue to bother me about the car then I will make sure that you don't get the car for the next week as well now do you want to keep that kind of behavior up do you see why we can stop the dance when we over explain because many times when we explain it's because we're still negotiating and compromising with them and if the answer is No it needs to be no and we need to teach them that it's OK for a parent to say no there's children who let's say they're pouring the bathwater in them and the mother says the father says you know it's Mother's night off with the girls and she went out to the restaurant so dad's having them do the water and he's reading the paper let's say he's reading the paper or maybe it he's on his i Pad and he says did you pour the water up there yes he said was still pouring how do we know it's not I don't know when the kid still there he said Well have you checked make sure it's not going out of the tub No but I will and he says well OK And then he stabs in the news letting it go and and and and also and you get a flood coming down right so what could he do instead anybody. Check himself or take the kid with him to check or say to them I asked you. Mark or whatever I asked you to go and check the water I'd like you to do it now when he gets more serious the kid gets more serious but evidently there is a tape in that kid's head that runs that says not until Dad asked me 4 times and then gets mad does he finally mean it and that's when I have to do something do you see how we start to reinforce bad behaviors. So we have to be really careful that we are not giving them too many excuses or or asking them or why why do you think are or answering why as soon as somebody says to my husband the pastor why can't we go to parties and dance he says they don't really want to know they want to rationalize so that they can do it. The why is are really not important it's not about the why it's about we're not going to do that. Right child guidance the child who is spoiled has a heavy burden to carry throughout his life did you hear that how long. Yeah spoiled boy the somebody told me yes I married a spoiled girl her mother did no favors for me because of she doesn't get what she wants and I'm in the doghouse all the time the child of a spoiled has a heavy burden to carry throughout his life in trial and disappointment in temptation he will follow his and disciplined Mr acted will children who have never learned to obey will have weak impulse of characters they seek to rule but have not learned to submit they are without moral strength to restrain their wayward tempers to correct their wrong habits or subdue their on controlled wills yesterday I. I was in here right on the campgrounds I was somewhere else and this woman was telling me that you know they've got a roof that needs repair and she said I sometimes have a hard time finding diapers for my son getting diapers for my son because my husband likes to take the checkbook and spend it she said he got a call the other night and I listened and they said he said yeah we write out to see it and she said What's that about and he said hot and she said we don't need a hot tub we already have like a Jacuzzi in the bathtub and he said yes but I really want this hot tub and she said but I hate hot tubs and he said I know but I really love them and she said you know when it comes she said I started to get really angry and he says well let's not talk about it because I know you're going to get May I add and she said and he came back later and he said I'm buying that hot tub and she said well that's fine I will use my lunch money to buy the diapers for our son who's wrong. I was going to say they're both wrong aren't they. I said to her I texted her later because I was thinking about it and I said you know you are right in many ways it's the way you're handling it that makes him feel like he's left out and not considered but if you could just talk about it without getting so angry she called him a name and I said if you could keep your voice calm maybe you could have a good discussion she said I'll keep that in mind but she said he is a selfish spoiled child and I said he may be but you chose him. And so now you're going to have to deal with him right and guess what you can decide is this going to be what you're going to do to break up your marriage or whatever I mean I wish he would negotiate if they were Christian and says Come let us reason together sometimes we have to give in certain places that we don't want to give but we need to be working as a team and we have to figure out what's our goal if our goal is to feed and clothe our children or to keep take care of our house it may not be to get ahead. But we just need to deal with the each other in a kind way they seek to rule but they have not learned to submit they are without moral strength to restrain their wayward tempers to correct their wrong habits or subdue their on control wills the blunders of untrained and disciplined shot while childhood become the inheritance of manhood and womanhood so does it does follow them in their adulthood the perverted intellect can scarcely discern between the true and the faults. Another thing is a permissive parent indulges their child they have difficulty in relationships when they get older they have difficulty in jobs and in working out problems and conflicts with the spouse and because of that they may have some more depression and anxiety that they had because of not getting their way being frustrated all the time. Thinking in their mind that life isn't fair which by the way it's now. And then that sets them up as to have some issues with substance abuse isn't that amazing how that can all lead to that OK now we're going to go to the authoritative parent this is what we want to be did I say the. Author or Tarion parent no this is authoritative This is 1 who's got the power over the child but they use it and in appropriate ways this parent has a good reporter with the child they respect the child and the child respects the parent instead of you know I'm bear acing them in front of their friends they take them to the side instead of demeaning them and saying in a derogatory way you are really something you are annoying instead they say you know what you're doing is frustrating and I think that this might be a better way to handle it they give kids choice they're fair in their discipline there are people who have told me about their discipline styles kneeling on the right side of the kitchen floor. Sitting for hours in their in their room tied to a chair that's not OK. Having them run around the house 15 times till they can hardly make him dislike these are excessive things this is not appropriate fair and discipline might be chores it might be taking privileges away and actually giving them. Like rewards. That are appropriate and sometimes much more effective than discipline I mean than punishment like Mom will play to know with you tonight if you can do a good job or or I'll let you choose what we're going to have for dessert and Sabbath and such and we'll make it together so those are so much more appropriate they seem to work so much better the parent is compassionate when they are having to discipline their child they show that they really didn't want to do this like you know what can I do and when you do this or do you have a better idea of how we could you know manage this because we just can't have this happening in our household anymore you can't joke your little brother anymore that's just not going to happen in this house you know yeah so you got the permissive parenting goes well you know 1 of us goes to do. The child likely to have healthy self-esteem good coping skills did you hear that all sudden it changes for this kind of a parent the child seems to be in a more stable spot the child has a good relationship with the parent how many of you want your child to have a good relationship with you. Some from Child Guidance. Harsh angry words scolding and fretting never help didn't say a house once in a while. Never help instead they stir up the worst feelings in the human heart have you ever had somebody being mean to you in your life. I'm going to get them back actually somebody who acts even leaders you know servant leadership when somebody acts humble or they go you know I'm the worst 1 you know yeah I've done them before and don't you know I understand like you love that person but the 1 who goes well how come you did that didn't you learn from it that's or when they have that little arrogance you just can't wait to get him back and that is a human behavior when your children do wrong and you are tempted to speak and act harshly wait before you correct him did you hear that again Wait wait wait to your emotions calm down take a deep breath pray move away that's also good thing in relationships with another adult when your children do wrong and you are tempted to speak and act way before you correct him give them an opportunity to think and allow your temper to cool. There's nothing worse than when you feel that somebody hates you because of something that's happened you are when you are obliged to correct a child we already had that when. Parents teach obedience through discipline this is a child that gets skills on how to deal with things they're loving but firm the parent has boundaries what are boundaries. Can you think of some boundaries that parents should have with kids. The refrigerator with the spoon. That's right don't drink out of the water like that OK Anything else. Don't enter the bedroom of your parents when the door's closed unless you knock anything else. So you don't let them get in your purse. Actually just helping them stop the money or the pills in your purse would not be appropriate so guarding your purse is a good thing anything else. Yes So safety. Those are when parents have to get really serious about boundaries. Using your perfume oh I said perf human like really. Curfew. What time we need to go to bed. What bed we're going to sleep in that seems to be a huge problem for parents right now again those permissive parents have more problems with that and I would dare say that there are kids who have been scared or sick or been traumatized and then we allow some things is so hard to break that but we have to keep working on it because the goal is to have a healthy stable kid that gets to heaven the parent is the boss and the leader is that right that's a good that the parent is loved and respected what. That's right you are responsible as God has made you responsible over that child it's an empowering thing isn't and it's also very scary thing we need to not take it for granted and we need to pray every day of the Lord to help us with it because we have so much power over our children want to do it the best way we can child as I see some repetitive stuff here parenting skills I say this parenting skills because parents are the ones who need the skills people who take their child to me for counseling and I always laugh and go. We can talk but actually I need to work with the parent on how to deal with some of the issues if your child gets saying gree you can either do what or what gave their get mad back or. COM and decide the best way to deal with that you never take on the same behaviors a child if your child lies you can either what or what opposite or what. That's right either get angry or use it as a learning experience right if your child is. Talking to the wrong person on the phone that you don't like you can either what yell or have a discussion about why you would be concerned about them talking to that person these are all teaching times and these are all opportunities for you to teach certain skills by the way what is apathy I don't care negligent is when people are negligent in apathetic about their houses what happens. That's right the pig and makes that lets the grass grow the bushes get on manage right when there are apathetic about their marriage what happens. Kids become the focus parents never get away the parents don't connect very well they act like the kids are the only persons in the house right so make sure that your marriage if you're married is front and center because that will help you to parent your child better as soon as a parent aligns with the child that child will always go to that parent against the other parent that's just how they are. If you have a problem with the way your husband or your wife says something to your child or your boyfriend or whatever it is that's parenting your child with you you shouldn't always talk in front of them because you might demean that adult and then that child never wants to listen to that other dog you go to the other room and you say I have a concern with the way you said that and I wonder if you meant to say it this way or if you could have done it this way so much better than saying it right in front of the child. Parents that take care of themselves so they will not lay their burdens of stress on their children OK So when we have a problem let's say that. We just had a house fire OK I just had a house fire and we're really concerned about where we're going to live and how we're going to pay our bills is that something that you share with the child what can you share with your child what would be appropriate. Ok money so tactics are titles but not always details we're having a hard time with our money right now we by the way give them hope with God's help we will work it out what happens when you say to your child I don't know what we're going to do we know we're going to have to go bankrupt we could all go to the poor house you know where we might not have a house to live in maybe we'll have to live under the trees like what does that do to a child. Now you just made them have to take your burdens and they can't function with what they're doing so parents need to be parents and they need to bear the burdens of life. So your grandfather died well I don't know I've never EVER had no father before I don't know how we're going to through this very important to go. You know people die and we'll get through this is will be hard but we're going to get beyond this right you always give your child a good feeling that you can cope with what's going on because when you don't you've laid a huge burdens on their heads parents who role model healthy relationships with others that's a really good thing do you solve your conflicts do you forgive people do you acknowledge your problems do you say I'm sorry by the way is that more of a thing women say I'm sorry don't they more than. Yeah. Yeah actually John Wayne he said he really believed in not saying you're sorry for anything right it doesn't cut it anymore doesn't it takes the wind out of the anger when we can have somebody be sorry and acknowledge something and if you want a negative spouse just not don't acknowledge something and they'll continue to bring it up and say it in a different way I have men that will tell me at I have women that tell me that their spouse nags them and I said Well then evidently you're not acknowledging what they're telling you that's really what happens as soon as we don't acknowledge what is happening that person feels they have to repackage it over and over till they get it and guess what have you ever heard of. Insanity doing the same thing over and over but it doesn't work out and it is expecting a different thing and so when you keep doing it then you have this you have to keep on doing this and this makes your marriage OK So anyhow those relationships get really tame tedious but it would be so nice if people would just learn how to knowledge things. Parents who will not be led by guilt do you think that's a good thing. Regular involvement with child and activity showing interest and love what kind of activity should we be involved with our kids and. Yes we should support them when they're going Pathfinders anything else. School all games they say that because of technology there's no table games anymore I think table games are great thing appropriate table games times to go to family camp how many of you have been to family camp at Camp. Oh man that's the best thing going I'll tell you to be there with your family and do all these activities together make memories together that they never forget and they talk about it forever. Regular involvement so that's very important. To look at my time what time we have. OK Let your child know what behaviors you desire OK So let's say that you keep saying to your kid or yours your teen and I don't like it when you go out with them and I don't want you to get net car and I don't know I don't like it when you wear that shirt now you know and don't like your hair or whatever after a while they start to not hear you right. What if you said you know when you were you're here with your bangs such I really like how you look bad day and you know you'll really look good in them blue shirt that you know you got from your grandmother last year like that's so much different isn't it. Sometimes kids will turn you off because they hear only the bad things make sure you say what you want I always use an illustration with clients and I say let's pretend that a a little girl is on her bicycle and there's a big rock in the road and she's driving towards that rock and you say now there's a rock there it's a big rock if you hit it you're going to fall over and you could get hurt so she's driving towards Iraq and she's looking at the Iraq and what does she do she runs into it wouldn't it be better if you said there's a rock in the road you don't want to ignore it. You could get hurt if you hit it so when you get close by would you go around the grass and on the other side and then you won't hit the rock and I know you'll be fine then you can ride down the sidewalk the Russe the way what is she going to do. She's going to avoid the rock so do you run or stand that we need to keep We don't need to keep focusing on the sin we always need to talk about what we would want instead so of saying you're a bad boy bad boy bad girl bad like say here's what I would like to see you do or here's what I hope for your I wish this for you so much more encouraging give choices whenever you can provide appropriate toys or recreation. Build child self-esteem by noting when they are responsible trustworthy and cooperate to catch them doing the good things always a good thing here's this child guidance thing as you deal kindly and tenderly with your children they and you will receive the blessing of the Lord can you say amen I read that again and then you can say Amen without me telling you that as you deal kindly and tenderly with your children they and you will receive the blessing of the Lord. And think will any 1 regret that he has been patient and kind with his children. Say yes whenever possible and appropriate you know if you say no no no no no they're going to hear you there are things that you can loosen up on if they're not standards notice and pay attention to children when they do things right take action before a situation gets out of control help them prevent problems talk to them about drugs talk to them about sex talk to them about bullying trying to get them to know things ahead of time so they got all of this is what my parent was telling me about be encouraging help children see how their actions affect others you know you thought that that was OK when you when you took the last cookie but you know I don't know that he ever gets cookies so I think that would've been really special if you'd given him that cookie you know those are really important things natural consequences if we didn't get meals on time you know maybe we just don't get to have what we wanted and it's all gone. And make your consequences logical. There are all kinds of things out there to help you if you need a behavior chart when you go to Google and you put behavior chart into the Google thing press and midges and you will see all kinds of that you can print out my daughter I remember when we decided that we were going to we were telling in my action or too much about what she needed to do we decided to do a behavior chart we put it on the refrigerator and it said something about Pull your sheets up on your comforter when you get out of bed and get back in because you like to sleep and it's something about take your dishes from the table to the counter before you know before school or whatever and I think there was a 3rd thing and she was so upset at us I said we'll give you this pretty sticker got really pretty stickers would be pretty sticker Oh this is just a oh she was just so upset about it by that evening she couldn't wait to get her sticker and the next day she said you got any more things that you want me to do so that I can get another sticker and like that was and then after doing that for about 3 months we just let it go by the wayside and she was doing it she was an IT Not every kid is going to be like that but I'm just saying that it shouldn't be a harsh thing it should be a fun thing they won't like it always when you have a boundary but hey sometimes it's really a good thing whisper when you want to tell them something don't embarrassment front of their friends whisper it in their ear distract you know how you can do that with younger children and if they want something you go look at this over here and they go right. Time outs. You seem to be really upset let's just give you a little break but I want to root that's OK I'm going to give you a little break while I want to be done right now you say yes but I can see right now that you're still upset so when you're not a subset you help them to control their own emotions so that they can react it's always something that you can help them with for their growing skills. Speak directly to them. There are favorite books that I have I think James Dobson I know I must represent those people who. Raise Kids in the eighty's and ninety's but James Dobson to me is 1 of my favorites he talks about the strong willed child Those are strong willed these are the ones that are really pushy and they're going to do it their own way and his other book Dare to discipline has been updated somewhat so I really like that those people keep asking me about Rosemond what I think of him I haven't looked at any of his books I'm not going to recommend them until I do I do believe in 123 Magic anybody know what it is anybody doesn't know what it is OK Have you ever Let's say that you have a child that's younger This isn't for adults I mean teenagers this is a child that is maybe between ages 2 and 7 and you know how kids get so involved in I don't know let's say he's playing his truck playing with his truck and he's playing with it on the coffee table and you're getting irritated because he's going to scratch the thing but you don't say anything because you're busy and then you say get that truck off and then the kids leave and then he's like who threw the mood about right because you just reacted That's so 123 helps the parent and the child so let's say that you tell your child you say in a calm voice I'd like you to take that truck off the coffee table you could play with it on the floor instead but then they don't do it. Well the kids need time to change channels have you ever seen their They're like so focused on what they're doing they're hyper focused so you say you tell them don't at the moment that it's happening ahead of time you say we're going to do the 1231 is when I mean that you better start moving to you better move because by 3 I'm going to come and get that car and put it in the buy back box or you're not going to have that car anymore or whatever so I want you to get used to making sure that you obey no later than when I count to 3. So you say 1 and that kid. Isn't paying attention you say 2 and they go. You hope that's what they're going to do and 3 is usually you have them already when they know that you mean business the 3 is going good I'm going to get through this rich and I'll get you at the end house that. Ministry of healing 156 when Jesus talked with the Samaritan woman instead of disparaging Jacob's well Christ presented something better if that I knew was the gift of God he said and who it is that say to you the give me to drink Validus have asked him of me I'm sorry wouldst have asked of him and he would have given the water he turned the conversation to the treasure offering the woman something better than she possessed the joy and hope of the Gospel something we have to keep in front of our kids is that someday we want even have to labor with some of the things we want to even have to lay with all these old habits or or this need to do things wrong like pretty soon we're going to be in heaven and unity we just have to learn these things down here like keep their focus on where you're going so that you give them a heavenly perspective. And last there's another more parenting skills which are to ignore what some things that are happening that are not OK giving them chores isolating them giving them choices warnings separate them from something that's causing a big problem and encourage them we have many things that we can do. But 1 of the things is that we want clear consistent rules we want to teach some good skills we want to give them a heavenly perspective we want to role model our healthy behaviors we want to practice self control with God's help so that we can be a better parent and we want to be led not by guilt because the Lord forgives us every day and we start a new day again and that way will help us to be more fair and right in what we do. If you have questions you are welcome to stay to the end and I will be happy to answer those but thank you everybody for coming throughout this week it's been a pleasure and a privilege to be talking to you about these things I hope that you will touch children in a special way whether it's in your saddest ghoul in your pathfinders or adventures or in your own home no matter what your relationship with is with them is and I prayed that the Lord will help all of you and I'd like you to stand so that I can bless you to do that OK. Father we thank you again for all these people that represent children they represent some love that they have in their hearts for the children that you put on this earth we pray Lord that you will give them patience and skill that you open their eyes to being fair and kind and loving that you will impress them when they are disciplining their children that they will be captured for the kingdom and that they will have a wonderful future which is what you want to give them we thank you lord that you call us the children of you and we pray that you will help us to to treat the people that you created the way that you would want us to I thank you Lord for this campground for the people that are here and those who are willing to listen and be moved and be impressed by the things that you want to teach them in your holy name Amen. 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