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2. Please Understand Me

Tom Waters Alane Waters

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  • June 19, 2017
    9:00 AM
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Father in heaven we are thankful for this camp meeting we're thankful for the opportunity to have meetings that encourage our walk with you and today we're going to be encouraging our marriages Please understand me the topic today Father we just ask for your Holy Spirit to guide us and to bless each 1 of us that we will be more understanding understanding of your Will understanding of your power in our marriages and understanding of 1 another as husband and wife in Jesus name and please understand me now you know that each of us in the marriage wants to be understood I don't have to ask you if you want to be understood we all want to be understood the problem is or the problem that arises is that sometimes we just want to be understood not realizing that she would like to be understood too and we talked about the meek focus yesterday for those that that were here in the ME focus I just want to be understood in as long as you understand me then I feel understood and. As this 1 this was. It's green. It's not but it's not allowed. All right well we'll give that here I'm done I love. I forgot what I said. And she wants to be understood too. OK. I wanted to be understood too. And so the beauty of of the Gospel and of surrender to the Lordship of Jesus is that in the Golden Rule you remember the golden rule says it says that we ought to do unto others as we would want them to do on to us right and when we're really tuned into the Lord it isn't just please understand me it's I want to also understand you right you're working I'm working. OK I'm working there it is OK it's not as loud as this 1 but. I could. We have had too many times in our marriage did swear there was a lack of understanding and when that happens there's feelings and emotions that accompany that and then sometimes if we don't deal with it right away they continue to get bigger and bigger and bigger and more and more ugly and we actually got 2 points in our marriage. Hasn't happened for a long time but we got 2 points on marriage where we we would just avoid it certain topics because we knew from past history that they always brought conflict and heart heartache and today we want to tell you the good news is that we don't have to do that anymore and neither do you there can be in need topic. About our relationship that we can talk through nothing hast to go shove to way in the closet any more and that can be for all of us here today because we're going to be talking about the fundamentals of learning how to understand 1 another and most importantly how the power of God works in our hearts so that we can go outside of our human abilities and experience the joy that God brings in the harmony in the relationship I want to tell you a simple very short and simple story but it's very illustrative and it is true this 1 doesn't happen to be our story but we have plenty of our own stories that you hear through the way but this 1 is somebody else's story that we have been allowed to share 1 day this gentleman wasn't actually acting much like a gentleman at this moment but he walked into the kitchen and is wise is frying a couple of eggs on the stove top and he comes right over her shoulder and he said watch out. Flip those things they're going to burn you don't have enough oil in the pan turn quick they're too long on that side you never listen to me when you're in the kitchen and his wife turns around and says to him what in the world is going on hung with you you don't think I can fry a couple of eggs and he said Well I've been looking for a way to somehow get you to understand how I feel when I'm driving. Now I want to just ask this question How many men have ever felt like your wife didn't understand when you're driving C'mon ration hands all right I'm surprised there's not more men sometimes they're just afraid to raise their hands National what that's going to do their their wife might think something or whatever it's amazing he said you know we're going to share plenty of examples but I have to say that this was an issue in our marriage. Still can't because he's not like you're going to say OK no but go ahead. Because And we talked about this morning because even as we you know refresh this little story in our minds we were discussing it's like yeah in my mind have all these flashbacks of how many times you know I'm thinking honey you know did you notice that went to 35 you know speed limit signs and I said sometimes honey you see things I never see he sees the horse over on the hillside and then and I am looking at things it's a construction ahead in reduced speed ahead in you know the orange signs of my son and I have to be very very honest he's very attentive now thank you here I want to her going to go about. It has got better it has gotten better here she used to say to me this is a classic we're going down the interstate and they have these big signs over the interstate that are flashing construction ahead mile marker 126 we go under that sign and she would say Honey did you see this. What so I. Saw part of those the funniness of the story that's that's real is that we are guilty and often guilty as charged. But we still want to be understood don't we I mean we wish that she could see the whole picture but he told me this morning honey the problem is is that before even I see the sign but before I can even kind of you know take my foot off the accelerator and start to coast and slow down you already you're saying something about it so that's for us as women you know sometimes we are ahead of where they are because their mind is somewhere here and then oh well yeah I think I just think it is saw that you know the scientists at 35 now so I am learning is still a growth of grace I am Nermeen not to be so quick but he has actually in Times saying to me for seen signs that he missed especially when there's a little black and white down the road with the radar set and he isn't 1 that gets the little flashing lights after him somebody else and I tell you what this is heads up if you ever drive through Arizona they have a construction zone they mean what they say. Every time we go from our little you know in to get our mail 30 miles away there's a new construction zone there they're putting a new bridge in on the interstate and every time we go in to town which is once a week. There is always somebody pulled off on the side and another 1 waiting in them in the median because 756555 bang bang bang like that and if you haven't you know don't have to stop accelerating you better be braking because if you're hitting that 55 still doing 65 you're going to get a double double whammy on the other side they wait til you drive through it and then as soon as you get on the other side the lights go on and you are the know you're had so we're going to save all of you the potential in her so don't give me 1 of those reminders so Elaine mentioned that there was a time in our marriage as there isn't every marriage that we've ever known. That there are certain things that become comfortable to talk about. Why the Holy Spirit knows everybody does it all together too. Because we understand what this means we know our own experience OK and I have to tell you that there were at least 3 areas in our early marriage that we had both learned were just better avoided because it we didn't avoid these conversations. It just didn't seem worth what we went through trying to get her to understand me this message is please understand me I want to be understood I want to be understood so the Gospel helps us to understand the other person our adversary just wants it to be my way me and when we're stuck there there are things that we can really talk about because it doesn't go well by God's grace we made a commitment together that there shouldn't be anything left in our marriage if we wanted to really be in love with God and with each other that we should be able to talk about you think that's fair yes not a great big AMEN Arnaout but think about it OK I mean why have anything in your relationship that's a no touch zone right I mean in the form of communication we should be able to talk about everything otherwise if we start compartmentalizing we then will tend to come park compartmentalise things that we shouldn't be and we start to drift apart so we made this commitment and then it was I don't know a few weeks maybe a couple months later less than 10 days less intended AC remembers. 1 of those topics came up 1 of the 3 for midden came up the reason I remember it so well is because for what I began to understand as a husband and a Christian husband and a husband that wanted to be a real Christian that you follow that we can be a husband by saying I do we can be professing Christian husband coming into the marriage I was. And then we can learn how to become a real Christian after we find out we're not a very good Christian that's often what the marriage reveals secondarily it's often what children reveal because they bring things out of us that we didn't think were there but in this particular situation the reason I remember is because 1 of the things God was helping me to see at this time is husbands needs to be the ones that are willing to come forward in reformation in the home you know 1 of the tragedies little side note here 1 of the tragedies of where we live today in our general Christian population and it's even if it happens within the 7th Day Adventist Church we're not exempt from it is that many men have dropped the ball Many men have become so busy or so worldly or so whatever laid back yes that women who have a burden for the souls of their children end up stepping forward and becoming the leaders OK it's just become part of the crisis of reality in today's Christianity God is asking men to step forward and take responsibility so we made this decision that we were not going to continue to hide from the reality of things that were difficult to talk about so here we are I'm prepared to lead in this and the 1st time it happened as I said in less than 10 days after making this commitment Here's what the Holy Spirit prompted me to do this is no automotive voice this is the still small voice John 1027 says My sheep hear my voice if you believe that's valid for today's Christianity do we have a conscience. Yes we have a conscience and so we started to enter into this situation and we don't have to tell you the whole details of it because some of it is it was very hard OK or had been for quite a while but as we entered into this the thought that came to me the very 1st thought that came to me was I will never leave you or for sake you and I'll tell you why this was was encouraging to me because when we started down this track I open my heart up to my wife and I said Tell mean Honey tell me what I do when this happens that makes our communication breakdown OK how my leading I'm leading by being vulnerable to say OK so we break down every time we talk about this here we go tell me this time what I do but what really hit me was as soon as I gave her permission she said Well there are 3 things. Did you imagine that. Humming there on the tip of my I haven't actually been wanting to tell him that for quite a while for that he never gave me a chance he was always telling me what my problem was and I was trying to get him to understand what his problem was that is our human nature right we've all done it all right let's be honest we've all done it and so when he said that before I said that I thought wow this is amazing I already knew God was working 1st of all because outside of the stress of the topic OK we made this agreement when things were good when when things was the best time to make Gary and having discussions about growing in your relationship not when your heat of problems but when you're in the love of your relationship and so we said this is an area we want to face because we don't want anything left left undone and so we had this discussion when he said that to me wow I knew God was working and I did say Honey there's 3 things. When she said that that did catch me off guard it's like I was hoping she would say something like Oh honey that's so wonderful for you to open yourself up like. It was with that feel good guys she says you know there are 3 things that she just. Might say the microphone I said Honey there are 3 things. Are you sure you want to know WHEN THEY ARE YOU MEAN TO ME don't have permission to step forward in this conversation. And I said Yes by faith OK even though I was a little put off already I could feel a little bit self-rising everybody know how self rises you see where I am here adults this is where it happens right here very fair he comes up out here OK we don't stop it somewhere from here up here comes out here and that's not good so I said. No go ahead. And she did that and when she began to tell me the 1st thing all I can tell you this is the best way I can strive I felt like a roaring lion wanting to come out of me instantly That's terrible isn't it that self I mean self does not generally manifest as a laying on it's more like oh. You know and we try to buy their time or whatever we don't but in this case I was prepared by God for this and the thought he gave me was I will never leave you or for sake you and I surrendered to that thought immediately and it just went away OK Is that good news. Is there power in the Gospel of Jesus Christ really now just like we saw in Jesus in the New Testament miracles is it there today yes what do you think. It's kind of weak but it's there it is there in it maybe you've never really thought of it being there is a miracle to put self down but it's there and God can do it if we're willing to let him OK So she she went through that and I was amazed that that the self was being subdued and put in its proper place or as the Apostle Paul says I die daily Or how about right now. And then she she felt more confident and it seemed That's the hope with that little thing the big part of it and then she she started this year the 2nd point number 2 point number 2. And as she went into Point number 2 I felt soft rise but it was that nearly as intense in the thought that came to me was James 119 let every man be swift to hear and slow to speak and slow to rise to anger and I just took that from the Lord by faith and that actually felt good I'm hearing my wife share this stuff that has always created a firestorm between us and this is the gospel of Jesus Christ working in a marriage this is 2 people wanting to be understood and as she went into the 3rd thing there was nothing left to rise because 2 things were happening 1 is the keeping power of the Gospel The 2nd thing was I was a hearing my worry that's an amazing thing is that it is because many men I mean we've been counseling marriages for the last 20 years and 1 of the hardest thing for women. Is a man who will listen a man who does not hear and the 2nd hardest thing is for a man who will not share what's in his head OK that's that's a very hard on communication by the end of this experience together we were on to something new and exciting man in our marriage Well it was it was truly a miracle in both our hearts and it was 1 that we both witness and we both felt at the same time because obviously you know the nonverbal aura from your spouse right so we can try to bite our lip or bite our tongue but we also are very aware when when just the body language is saying I'm great with you or whatever but I saw that dissipate in him and what was so amazing is when when I finished my 3rd point and I wasn't out to be vindictive I was just he asked me and I was truly Sherry my heart prayerfully Sherry my heart and when I got done he paused for a few moments and they said Honey you are exactly right and I understand now what where you're coming from and why it's been so challenging to work through this and you're right in that was that was huge now not just because you know it's not a score for me because I'm right but because of what I saw happening in him and I wasn't out to be right I wasn't out to I just was sharing my perspective but he understood that perspective and put in the context of the conflict he saw that my perspective was more accurate than his perspective OK And then I said to him. So what is it in me that I do that causes this to happen and I was willing to hear and I was ready to hear and by this point he said how is it he said I think it was something like honey I don't have anything that I need to share with you at this point God is and this Great Miracle and so we give you this simple example that was very very powerful in our lives and hasn't just happened once it's happened you know over over time in other instances but it is so freeing to have this baseline in your marriage that there's nothing that we we can't come up to and talk about and work through together we don't have to keep saying Now that's that's no good let's put that 1 aside and try every way we can to avoid it until eventually when it does come out it's more like a volcanic eruption then just you know a little bit of work to understand each other so let me share with you the commitment that we married because. It can be a blessing in your marriage as well we made a commitment based on the fact that we understood that the me focus versus the US focus which we talked about yesterday when it's me it's the world revolves around me fit in if you don't I'm not happy the US focus is our world with Christ and it is making decisions that affect us so we made a commitment to each other that if we came up to a subject or a topic or a situation that we could not come to an agreement just sharing our perspective listening to 1 another that we instead of going down the argument OK going down that I can now talk you or I can whatever that doesn't end well we said at that point. We will take this discussion and we will go to God and we will be willing on our knees to know the will of our Heavenly Father we are allies not enemies. We are allies against a common foe not enemies sometimes we get in differences you understand that we start feeling like enemies we go into our corners that's not that's not God's plan and we will go we will seek the Lord that means that we will seek His will for us not seek to get him to agree with me you understand the practical difference there that means we surrender ourselves to the will of our Heavenly Father and then we go to the principles of his word. Not our old way of how I was raised to how my dad treated my mom or how my Mom none of that we go to the Word of God and we find a willingness and if you find yourself unwilling I've been there too. I've been plenty of times on my knees in my closet saying Lord I know what you're asking me to do but I'm not willing but I know you know that I'm not willing and I know you know that I want to serve you with my whole heart so Lord I'm willing for you to make me willing that's not a play on words that's giving God permission to make our hearts sensitive to real surrender and I can tell you that since that day we've been married 37 years we made that commitment. And God has blessed that commitment and I wish I could tell you that we've never had disagreements or arguments or anything but I can tell you that we have resolved every 1 of them there is nothing in our marriage that we cannot talk about freely and that is a gift of God Please understand me that's what we need and that the understanding is to understand the other person so that we can draw our hearts together and we become an astronaut to independent means in the relationship that's what Isaiah 1000 is talking about Come let us reason together and that reasoning is between husband and wife but also between a husband wife and God and as my husband said we go to the Word of God because we used to give in arguments that I was sure I was right he was sure he was right and then we would both you know hold out for our position in the in the issue and you know eventually 1 would give or the other would give but we didn't really find the true resolve but what we have come to understand is when we don't agree we go to this word and the inspired commentaries on this as we know it to be the spirit of prophecy and we look for those principles and it's amazing that sometimes we hear both wrong and we've just come into the marriage with the certain view of seeing something and I'm in here and he's over there and you know we don't have to have that conflict because for every true issue we face there are guiding principles in the Word of God that will set a safe course for us if we're willing to go and look at those so we encourage you to go back not to you know hold your pinhole to your position but go back and steady those those topics that topic and see how God would have great how he would bring us together and then to understand each other better. So there's a basic thing that happens with men and women it doesn't always follow this rule OK but generally it does men tend to speak more in headlines or short statements OK so how are things going how was your day fine when a woman asked that question she generally is looking for a little bit more than a 1 word answer you know we used to try to help our children please in need to learn how to give more than a 1 word answer so my my children would say sometimes good I'd say that G O O D and they look at me yeah good. And I said What can you explain what that word means right now tell me what you mean by good so many times women tend to talk in paragraphs right OK And so when that happens sometimes men tune them out which is not right OK and sometimes it goes as far as the you must actually decode what the woman is trying to say but doesn't want to just say OK. If any man here understand what I'm saying on them. OK you will not be held accountable for that OK it's just that women it's like a woman going my wife will go through the store we love to shop together that's a work of grace too because I used to sit in the car and do what I call the efficient world because she was shopping now I've come to recognize and not always but but but I can be very efficient for our love by going shopping with my wife. Not just sitting there doing work in the car. But you know when my wife is walking down the aisle and she says oh honey. Aren't those who are. Now Joy interpret that for you. I've learned I'm learning 37 years that means she would like some flowers. And so I said to her once that this was years ago also give me a break or yes I said to her honey just tell me if you want flowers. I will gladly give you flowers she said Honey you don't get it. I don't want to have to tell you to give me flowers OK guys it was like this OK yesterday we started the whole Symon are going before you know haven't you bring forth those things that you love of your door about your wife to be before you got married No but you didn't she didn't have to say oh when you come over to see me tonight which please bring me some flowers she didn't do that right Mom wise we didn't do that did we now but how many times did you show up with flowers or something special because you were thinking of her more often than you realize and she remembers that right so here she is never forgot. Here's the deal. We still like it after the I do OK we still like it and I'm not a big flower person actually I'm more of a plant person or a plant person I called him recently from. The store 110 miles away. And I wanted to buy a new tree because our tree had died and I really wanted to get the spot in our landscaping finished out and it needed to tree that was big enough to look like it had been there for a little while and my mother said to me Honey you're never going to get that thing in the car I thought oh yeah you're right and I laughed and I came back and I just really want to so I called him I said honey they have this tree here and I would describe it to him and he said OK can you get in the car and I says I think so and he says well then bring it home and bless his heart he planted it it was I mean the bucket was big it was a big bucket brigade Anyway it looks right but so I do I do communicate with him but women often he's right we often talk and paragraph form and we use code language often times we really don't mean what we're saying and the most important 1 of the most important principles we can gain in please understand me to build communication is to say what we mean and mean what we say now that's an old old proverb right I mean you've heard it rattling around for generations of time but there's a reason why it continues to circulate because we don't always communicate clearly. And so while sometimes women are hard on man because we asked them a question like well how did your day go and they give us a 1 word answer because women have already learned not to ask yes or no questions we're looking for a bigger answer but we try to ask questions that can get a bigger answer but men have learned how to find 1 word that encapsulates the whole day fine or good so we as women sometimes use words that we don't really mean. In other words there's more in it then what we're saying and it's really not being transparent and honest if he'll say if he says to me Honey I sense something you know as not right. You know is or you can we know there's nothing there is just nothing there something. So we have to mean what we say and say what we mean in order to build our communication have better understanding and using this example of seen things from a different perspective I said to my husband it is not so important to me I have it really I mean it is nice if you agree with me but it's not so important to me if you agree with me what's important to me is that I know you understand what I'm saying to you right now because sometimes women become desperate we think it's just because he doesn't get it is why he's he's been controversial about it but it may or may not be so sometimes women come back at it 2 or 3 times and I think men do the same because we don't really think they understand so in under in that communication things like this is what I'm hearing you say do I understand in my in my tracking with you is this what you're saying and most the time you say yeah that's exactly right and I keep following him and sometimes he'll say to me oh no that's not what I'm saying at all and I said OK I'm dull start all over and try me again and that has been huge to save a lot of unnecessary conflict you know has been huge this please understand the arena is listening with the understanding women have been gifted partly because of motherhood to really listen. Men do not really listen well can we did before the wedding day my wife said this to me she never said it to another man she said You are the best male communicator I have ever communicated with in my entire life now do to men like Words of Affirmation we. Don't care what your love languages but we like words of affirmation that feels good it feels like we're being loved and respected and I loved those words because I didn't know that I was the most the best male communicator she'd ever been with but you know that started to change after marriage and it became very difficult for her and very frustrating and then she started responding to me differently and what's the matter with you why don't you communicate with me like you used to if we came to the realization I came to the realization that not only was I not communicating I was not verbal ie communicating like I used to but I was not listening anything like I used to in fact I would say things like this to my wife she and I don't like to admit this but I do because there's life changing power in the Gospel of Jesus she would say she'd be talking to me and I would say this in this tone of voice you don't need to say another word I know exactly what you're going to say if you piss up how does that feel ladies it's shut up shut down and then I would go on to tell her just what she's thinking was I right. And above 50 percent of the stuff. That's beside the point it was the wrong attitude and even though I could say the words sometimes that that I knew she was going to say I was not understanding or harms there's that silence again this is something that God needed to teach me you know there's a verse in Proverbs anything chapter and verse 13 he that answers the matter before he hears it to him it is folly and shame. I would interrupt my wife halfway through her sentences not just the rudeness of that but more importantly the rudeness of not listening to understand her heart's in for many years now my wife will tell you that my mean objective in listening is to understand her heart. And not be responding because here's what men are good at because we're short and to the point we don't do the paragraph speaking we're good at this we think we know where they're going we come back with our response before we've ever heard the real heart of the matter we're good now we're terrible at it and so God begin to show me that you listen to our heart and you will have your opportunity to respond. Because now when I listen and now when I hear her heart we have our communication is on a very level playing field we are seeing eye to eye we are experiencing a heart to heart connection which makes all the difference in the world and communicate well it becomes pleasurable to be together pleasurable to communicate very free and open to talk what's on your heart and it's a very safe environment and so it works both ways and not only does it help him to understand me but it also I have seen that is that we have adopted this and we practiced it and it's become who we are in our relationship that it's actually made him more free to share what's happening between the ears up here and that that was huge for me I don't have to you know feel like the Gestapo asking him you know the 20 drill questions he just opens his heart he says shares what he's thinking in the moment and I like that I like the freshness of that I like the real ness of that I like the vulnerability of that and so even if he's struggling he'll say OK you asked me and this is 1 thing here right now so I think that's really important and the better our communication as couples the better our marriages will be in every aspect every part of our marriage will reflect the unity and the. Togetherness the harmony of communication will be reflected in all other aspects of our relationship and that that's what makes it so beautiful so 1 of the things about us and go ahead just 1 other thing on that just side no it's not it in our notes but. If you begin having this enhanced communication and your husband begins to open up and share and he's listening with his heart to your heart understanding where you're coming from don't be surprised someday if you ask your husband like my wife asks me self money what are you thinking about if he says nothing don't be put off by that you understand why ladies some of you must men have the ability to go in neutral and just idle. When I 1st tried to explain this to my wife she said Honey we're both medical people. She said Are you telling me that you have a flat brain Raceway right now. Intensive care nurse I said. No that's what I'm telling you know what the Wiggles are there and OK. She said Well that's what it sounds like you're saying nothing how can you be how can you nothing nothing and still be alive if with your eyes open in your Free Beacon in your looking rap and she said I'm always thinking Believe me she is women can think of some many things that once we call it thinking they can be going to so many different directions but literally a man can actually go in neutral and just relax and not be thinking of anything can actually be looking off there and think it's not I think that is really hard for a woman to grasp she never has those moments of of distance stare where there's just nothing occupying the thought space so please please understand us men and OK Now don't make an excuse man I'm not 1 of these A man gave people OK I need my space but I don't need to go off and just be in my own world don't get me wrong I'm not saying that if you have a man cave but what a lot of men do in many cases not a good thing. But try to understand that sometimes there is a blank space in a man that when it happens it's not a negative thing he's clearing room for other good things to happen. Eventually OK. Well let's talk about the porcupine to do that. This is well not really for the porcupine what we're going to do in a 2nd here I have come to finally accept that and there actually have been times I have been blank and it's not because I'm trying to I'm not thinking it's because I'm trying to think and I'm blank and I can't get it out what I'm trying to think of so that happens to me so we need to give each other freedom OK we can we married them because they're different right we married them because of all the things we put on that card yesterday I hope you filled out the rest of it last night because there were things we admired in adored about 1 another that we fell in love with that we trusted that we couldn't wait to spend the rest of our lives together so let's live our lives together joyfully in the Lord and communication and understanding each other. Are so important and if we if we lack in and how to understand somebody we need to go back and read the book desire of ages that was huge for me go back and look at the life of Christ he understood people's hearts he knew what was at the bottom even though they were saying things that were way out here and not really apparently that relevant but he knew the heart and he stayed with them and he drew on the heart and that's what he wants us to do in our relationships because this relationship between husband wife models relationship between Christ and his people his bride so that's very important so 1 of the areas that will help to develop our understanding of 1 another is to understand how we what love of what love looks like to us individually there's there's a test there's a book out called The 5 Love Languages anybody read it let me see your hands if you've read it Oh quite a few Now having read it we're going to make a big assumption that that you are practicing what you've learned that book and we won't have to raise your hands on that part that's right but I know many people read the book and the say I have no clue what my as man's love languages are I have no idea what my wife's love languages well early in our marriage we didn't have a clue either. And we kept missing each other my love language in there 5 the 1st while they're not in any order but the order we put them in is Words of Affirmation some people have how they feel so love that's my husband words of affirmation honey you're doing a great job I love what you know how you play with the children or whatever words that affirm him that's his number 1 then there's touch some people feel the love through touch others feel it through spending time together quality time some people feel loved by having acts of service done for them oh I will go mow your lawn for you all do this for you let me put that shelf up for you honey and that's how they feel loved other people feel love by receiving gifts so there is a test you can do you don't have to read the book actually we've never read the book actually I have read most of the book you haven't read it I have are most of it but just go to the on line Google 5 Love Languages test a quiz and take it you can do in 30 minutes if you're slow reader and 15 minutes of your speed reader and just answer the questions at the end it will prioritize your love My Don't overanalyze the court has done over analyze but earlier before we were married when we were becoming girlfriend boyfriend he'd like to hold my hand he like to put his arm around me when we said in church and I want to hold your hand during lessons too but you honestly have to talk with to him I do I do need that hand to talk. So anyway you know I'm here right now to. See So anyway after we got married it's like item going to need that him and. Sometimes I just try to make her think outside of my hand if you know outside of the box so I just hold on to her and she says no. I've got to moan OK. So we sit in church and he's like this you know his hands in his lab he's all tucked in psych women. 4 weeks ago when we were engaged his arm was around me he hit his hand he put my hand into his hand and now it's like in a psych isolated like I have some kind of a contagious disease or something you know. That the community Oh goodness. That's what was starting to build up like why won't he doesn't he love me anymore I mean we discovered a new kind of love right the ultimate love that God gave in the intimacy of marriage but there's a lot of love The happens before that love and so I didn't understand what made the shift and I didn't understand why I was so hurt by the shift and then I finally understood that my 1st love language was touch. And after we got married when you know of the the public attention of the public expression the kosher expression is the women's right there was less and I felt less loved and I didn't know how to communicate because I didn't realize what was happening so that was that was very insightful for us and because my love language wasn't being hit on target his love language being Words of Affirmation all those wonderful things I told him before I'm married somehow my language changed towards him and I started finding things that I didn't like and I started telling him what I didn't like and what he wasn't doing right and sometimes not only did they say it but I said it in a very unkind way with maybe some sarcasm synthesis maybe intensity in the voice all of which was killing our love so find out your love language and build on them. Now we're not just 1 thing we're a combination OK but it's important for us to if we understand the other person is to know how to reach them in their love language so now I'm very. Verbose maybe and if that's too strong a word or a number both well very expressive through a very expressive of little things that are expressions of affirmation towards my husband that you don't have to me that I don't make up an important or him make it up and that doesn't work that's right so it just an example hope this isn't to rob Anyway we travel an awful lot so we're in beds different beds all the time and some beds are really nice and some beds aren't so nice and sometimes humanity wants to complain a little bit when the bed isn't so nice and I was tempted to do that and then I said to my husband I said in the bed that has you is the best bed and I love being in it it's comfortable OK So that was just a little expression just off the top of my head that was said a few days ago to express to my husband another aspect of how important he is to me and use that using that as an example so any way you can talk about porcupines with this is a good lead in the center nicely because if you come to know all those Love Languages and we're not trying to put too much emphasis on that this is just kind of an ancillary kind of you know out there but it's it's very helpful to tune in instead of being tuned out. But if you come to know the love languages it can help you in difficult situations and 1 of the things that happened to us early in our marriage. As as my wife was alluding to there is that our communication started breaking down and we went into what we now call the fatal cycle and that fatal cycle means that we. Are OK thank you so that's not I'm a know it's part of the part of lead into that in my thoughts but anyway we'll talk about that tomorrow but that fatal cycle leads you in the wrong direction totally in the wrong direction it puts distance between you and 1 of the things that used to happen when we were not connected we went through some very very difficult things in our early marriage and when we were not connected my wife would say something like this to me and it wasn't something like this it was just like this. I told you I was could be sarcastic sometimes. When I was she just said just leave me alone so OK because we're trying to talk through something but it's not going well so just leave me alone so I defaulted to what I had seen in my dad now my mom and dad had a great marriage a very secure home but when things went wrong on occasion my dad would go outside and busy himself in a project that needed to be done if there was no project that needed to be done he would create 1. I default to that we are either destined to break the cycle can break the cycle or we often just consciously or unconsciously slip into the cycle All right so that wasn't a real bad thing but that's what I saw and that's what I would do and so I would go outside and I would just leave. Not leave her but just go outside leave or launch you want to be alone but I wasn't content and she wasn't content and neither of us were ever content just leaving ourselves where we were because marriage is meant to be the best representation of how Christ loves the church loves his family loves his people so I said Lord you know what would you have me to do. And this is good to pray like this privately or what do you want me to do and the thought that I had over and over again again no verbal voices just in that still small voice speaking to the heart which if you will be still and know that he is God He will commune with you in the quietness of your thoughts as you open your heart to him and surrender and so the father came to me is that when she's wanting you to go away it's 1 of those in coded statements she's confused she's upset she feels hurt she wants you to love her she wants you in fact to hold you in my thought was How do you hug a porcupine. And that's honestly what I thought at the time we lived in Montana and there were porcupine things. How do you do that. And so it's my thing. And it is because you love this person and you want to love her better the next time this happened this is under Sharon from our hearts how things happened in our own home the next time this happened the Lord called to my heart. This is the way I can do this like this is the way. Home walk in it. And by faith I did and when she told me everything inside of me wanted to go outside and get in a project. Everything inside of me wanted to just OK you don't want me to be around see later but let me know when you want to come back into your life. But it isn't do that by God's grace I had over to my wife and I put my arms around her and she resisted me for about 3 seconds. Now with a real strong resistance but about 3 seconds and then she just relaxed in the my arms I put all the quills away she put all was where that was the promise that I thought God was giving me that if you can hug this pork you are. The quills will go away and they did and ever after I knew this was a way of the scape not running to a project about running to truly minister to the heart of my wife and the deeper level that she needed and again sometimes we as wife say opposite of what we really want what we really mean like just leave me alone no I didn't want to be left alone I wanted him to take me in his arms I want him to love me but I couldn't say it because I wanted it to be of his own desire. But when he when when he was communion with God And God said Go on they're in love you're poor keep me love your wife holder in your arms we've been able to talk about that and I said that's exactly right he says You mean all these years hasn't happened that often but when you tell me to leave you alone you really want me to come and hold you and I said yeah this and he says well why don't you just say it. To proud to say that. Somehow that's I don't know women or the term is fickle but I don't know if that would be quite the right term but anyway we women need to be honest about our feelings and you know instead of having expectations and then getting our feelings hurt because he doesn't measure up and he just doesn't get it just tell him sometimes we have to tell them what what would minister to us and again this is why it's so important to have daily communication we can be Sherry in those things not in the context of conflict or or the emotional need out of it we can Dispy sharing is a matter of growing closer together so when those times pop up now and then we have now communicated about that there's an understanding and we both have the opportunity to move into that relationship in the right way so that you want to understand the 1 that God has placed by your side when you think there. Is a possible is it hard sometimes yes is God's grace available to us all the time all the time God wants to work in each of us to will and to do HIS good pleasure our part is to be willing to cooperate are part of to be willing to say yes even oneself begins and science. 1 question that came in today so here it is in terms of open communication between husband and wife having no secrets how do you deal with the following issue the husband is an extremely busy man he's a surgeon he's the head elder He's a school board chairman as well as on various church and we're committees and given that he's sworn to confidentiality on all of these how do you have an open relationship with a man like that it's OK That's a very good question there's a 2 part of this question and 1 that wasn't specifically asked how do we have an open relationship with someone who is sworn to secrecy and all these things while you can still have an open relationship with that man about everything else in his life that matters to your home and marriage. That's not relative to the church board that's not relative to HIPAA laws this is not relative to what happens to the school board OK. That needs to happen and that needs to happen by design because here's a man who's very responsible and takes his responsibilities seriously but then I I want to assume but maybe shouldn't assume that he takes the 1st work of the home very seriously inspiration along with the Bible tells us that the home is the 1st mission field. It has never changed through time and it won't change in eternity this is our 1st mission field so maybe what some of the communication needs to happen is sometimes we men and I was 1 of them that's why I can speak very simply to this I was a man that was trying to answer every beck and call that I believed was God calling me and what ended up happening was I was answering every other call and I begin to lose the time to have with my God meaningful time when we are so busy doing God's work that we have no time for God we have begun to be too busy God never does that to Kay and so sometimes what has to happen is we have to honestly and a husband or wife in this case have to sit down together and talk about how real life looks because I'm old enough now and I've sat with enough men in the ministry we've been doing for 28 years I've had men in their sixty's seventy's and eighty's sit in our home with tears running down their faces that I did everything to provide them a good education I did everything to provide them a home I worked faithfully in my church I worked faithfully at my job and they did everything and he said the only thing I didn't do faithfully that I never wanted to miss and all 3 of my children told me Father all we wanted was you and we never had you and the tears were just pouring down his face so this is a wake up call. It's not a wake up call to say that what this what's happening here is wrong in any way shape or form it means that maybe this is an out of balance situation and the only way we know that is that this communication isn't happening as it should if there's no time for family worship morning and evening and there's no time and see these are things I'm building into this because we hear this all the time and I have. We need to be able to talk about that together as husband and wife we need to count the cost and we need to see if it's time to really order of the priorities of life because our children grow up very quickly it's not just about children the wife wants and trying to and obviously by the question you know because she she can be just as much desirous of that time as well as as for the children certainly if they're still in the home that's even magnifying it but I'd also like to add to this. Because we have I have sat on church boards and things and some of those things they're not confidential and so what you can't share within the context or within the relationship the 2 shall be 1 now we're not saying go out and tell everything in there and in the church board meeting or the decisions made but there's the church Borgman should never divide the unity between husband and wife it should never be the knife that severs their communication or hippo or anything else these these 2 people are 1 in the side of God They share the same purpose the same goals the same mission the same love and so there are things I think sometimes it becomes a little bit of an excuse or maybe an escape because it's just easier not that I can't say that I can't I can't then if you really can't then you say everything else you can say about other things leave the church bored out of it that happens once a month the school or happens once a month that leaves an awful lot of time for husband and wife to communicate if we do not intentionally communicate we will unintentionally start losing good healthy communication so do what we can to build that communication focus it on your relationship and plan together you know dream together pray together move forward together in your love and in your relationship and that and broaden that to your family and then on is a little bit of a long question I mean long answer to a question but a very important 1 because everybody has their reasons they don't have to always be on school board or church board they can be numerous other reasons and we need to make our of our marriage the right priority under God. That's the 1st mission is this relationship he instituted it at the beginning and he wants that to not not to fail but to be the institution that can be the witness for his kingdom Oh Lord thank you for the 1 that you have given us to be buyer side we know the enemy of our souls hates this sacred relationship he hates a happy marriage the world is turning against marriage today in such obvious ways Oh father may we be thankful 1st to you and then to the 1 who you have given to stand by our side may we stop making the excuses and just wanting to be understood myself but that we would allow your Holy Spirit to open our hearts to understand 1 another. As we understand your will more flowing in our lives and thank you in chains this need. 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