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Maintaining Healthy Relationships In High Stress-High Risk Situations

Tami Milligan

Conference

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  • June 19, 2017
    5:00 PM

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So let's start with the word of prayer Father in heaven thank you so much that you are the God of peace and you are the God of communication you are the god if unity that was your last prayer Lord Jesus recorded his that you wanted us all to be in unity and to love each other like you have shown us an example of loving Lord loving is the best thing I love loving I don't like fighting Lord we need to know how to handle conflict because we don't always see the same things the same way and we don't know sometimes how to have constructive helpful communication that doesn't leave people offended or hurt or wounded so I just pray Father that you would come that your Holy Spirit would show up in a powerful way and they you would speak to each of our hearts individually and give us the tools we need to be effective in our communication and effectively hold up the truth in righteousness is my prayer thank you for coming for being here and for blessing us for we ask it in Jesus name Amen. So maintaining healthy relationships and high stress high risk situations. And I have to tell you might not bother me but that's going to bother this I'm going to close this blind with these poor people having to edit. So well. They're think that would be a little easier All right so I actually took a course called crucial conversations you can buy the book is very very very important trysting if you ever want to do some reading on this topic crucial conversations by 3 people 2 men and a women a woman and I regret that I can't rattle off their names off the top of my head but you can go on on Amazon and find that book and their CD You can listen to you can actually get D.V.D.'s that actually show you illustrations of people play acting and how to handle. Resolve high risk communication very very good resource and the other resource I want to give to you is the ministry of reconciliation the ministry of reconciliation and I believe this 1 was written by James Rafferty ministry of reconciliation by James Rafferty and you can get this at the A.B.C. or you can go on to their ministry and. And get it as well and it's like bears ministry and you can get that on line and I'll even rattle off to those of you who have a pen their phone number which is 541983333 it's pretty easy. So anyway those are the resources that I'm going to use today on communication so let's start out with a beautiful quote that actually is found in this book. Saying says to his evil angels and this was a beautiful thing that Ellen White penned when she was talking about this topic we must cause distraction and divisions to sue a Satanist saying we must destroy their anxiety for their own souls and leave them to criticize to judge and to accuse and condemn 1 another and to cherish selfishness and enmity for these sins God banished us from his presence and all who follow our example will meet a similar fate and you know I can imagine and I have a beautiful picture it would have been really fun to put it in the here and it shows the devil standing between God's big judgment throne and me you and he's accusing and he's pointing at me and he's pointing at you and he's accusing us of all of our failures our sins our shortcomings and she's a standing beside you and I with his arm around us and he's interceding to the Father with this high hand the lifted up and my greatest desire by faith I believe it will happen as I walk with Jesus every day because when my name comes up in the judgement the Jesus Christ will stand because that's my only hope I don't have anything to boast about I've committed more since than I've ever committed good things so that weight is pretty much a no brainer right but if Jesus stands up for me I'm in a man how lujah So really in truly we have to imagine though Satan standing there saying you can't ask me now haven't you cast all these angels out of heaven for that there is no way you can let me Milligan in the kingdom she's committed the same grievous sins of my nature. Rather than years and so this is a really important for us to know what are the things that banish the evil angels from heaven they were criticizing judging and condemning and cherishing selfishness and Miti So I think about that so in our church families because we really are like a family just imagine that the demons are always looking for ways to cause all kinds of stress and strife between us and if you go and you live your life on guard with that in mind you will be so helpful because it's so easy to think ill of 1 another and we're going to go over that we're going to do that and you know what I have I have a much more enjoyable for me to see your faults than my own so if he can distract me right and the book steps to Christ it says there are 4 things that thing is most successful at getting us off track. You know it talks about your own faults is that now when he gets a soft track Yes we become discouraged so we look at ourselves the faults of bother that gets us off track really we get really discouraged in looking at other people I think were such a great Christian they even let me of the Lord look at what they're doing getting off track the cares of this life in other words you come home in your hot water heaters spewing water all over your basement you know challenges trials things like that and there's 1 more and I don't remember look it up. Those are the 3 that met really spoke to my heart but I think about this 1 criticizing others so I don't have to teach you some tools that we actually teach in our administration in the hospital and you know what these tools are just they are tools you will find in the Bible sometimes the people of the world are more educated on things than the people in God's Kingdom we don't want to do that so I'm going to teach you some really wonderful tools of You'd have to pay money to go and get but let's talk about E.Q. versus I.Q. we're going to talk about that today it's very important you understand yourself how you think in order for you to be prepared to handle conflict we're going to talk about accountability what to say accountability look like we live in a very unaccountable society where everything somebody else's fault and then gender specific communication did you know that men can get away with being more direct and giving some hard statements than women why is that so let's find out how and also find out some ways to mitigate that breach that that difference and then respectful relationships those are the things that we're going to cover today. So I Q. is actually means in quick intelligence quotient and it's an assessment of human intelligence and so Webster's dictionary says this It's a measurement of a person's intelligence says as indicated by an intelligence test the ratio of a person's mental age to their chronological age so that's what Webster's Dictionary tells how any of you ever taken an I.Q. test OK Some of you have it's very fascinating it's very interesting so we kind of know what I.Q. is what is the E.Q. E.Q. actually means emotional quotient so I want to give you a quote that I read out of a book and this is really true I.Q. will get you a degree in college and land you a job but E.Q. will get you that raise that bonus and that climb up the ladder E.Q. is what makes the difference between what you know and how you can actually put it into practice so we're going to talk a bit about E.Q. E.Q. is a measurement of a person's at. Adequacy in such areas a self-awareness empathy and dealing sensitively with other people OK very important tool here the other 1 is the skill in handling one's own emotions so it motional question has to do with how self-aware am I have you ever met someone who they are just like a bulldozer and they don't even know it I don't understand why they don't have so many friends they have no idea they have no self awareness they have no real perception of how they come across have you met people like them of course that's not any of us but the point is that's kind of scary isn't it and people tiptoe around them they say that's just how we can is you know if you met those people at work you just have to overlook them they don't even know they're that way OK that's a lack of emotional. And emotional quotient when it comes to intelligence or self-awareness so emotional intelligence just to kind of. Narrow it down is managing my emotions understanding emotions facilitating thought so every thought that comes into your brain how do you facilitate that what do you do with every thought do you act on every thought that comes through your mind no hope not right what do you do when the thoughts come and then perceiving emotions perceiving your emotions when we're having a conversation I can kind of read your face and I can tell what I'm saying is deflating you or I can tell what I'm saying is resonating with you or I can tell that you're just not sure about what I'm saying those kinds of things are skills that we can learn so managing emotions understanding emotions facilitating thought and perceiving emotions those emotions of other people so continuing on E.Q. E.Q. is perceiving emotions the ability to detect and decipher emotions and faces pictures voices and cultural artifacts including the ability to identify one's own emotions how important is that. So I have a really bad day at work where I have lots of grievances coming up. On my desk from the hospital and I'm managing those really high emotions people upset and I come home and I'm highly charged with a lot of negativity. I walk to the door and Patrick has put his coat once again over the back of the couch 1 of the clothes on his right. And I immediately I say to him he's standing in the kitchen sort of you've heard me use this illustration and I say to him why can't you hang up your coat and he looked shocked almost like I slapped him I mean I just walked through the door he's looking forward to greeting me and that's the kind of greeting you give And quickly I look at his face and I realize what I've done now this is a good example of the ability to identify my own emotions a little late wouldn't you say. So I realize I've just come from a stressful situation and sort of like the dog that got kicked so he bit the cat type thing and so I say to him before he says a word can we start over and he says I would like that so I go back out the door happened I closed it I took a deep breath and came back in and said Hi honey I'm home and he said good I think right OK But then we had a better evening then if he would have lashed out at me or said what and then I would have come back and then before you know it so with the ability to perceive our own emotions and then the next step is vitally important to using emotions the ability to think and problem solve That's what I did positively and that illustration right the emotionally intelligent person can capitalize fully upon his or her changing moods in order to best fit the task at hand so it's being able to treat those emotions for those of you who are in medicine tree eyes how do you put those in order what is the most important thing you need to focus on what emotions do you need to kick out you know 1 of my favorite prayers lately is Holy Spirit. Please come and take complete control now I used to I got to tell you as a younger person I didn't like the word control I don't want anyone controlling me even God I'm just being honest with you I have wrinkles under that thought that I would have to be controlled I'm over that I'm like holy spirit please keep come in take control of my thoughts which affect my feelings which affect my emotions so fast feelings emotions motives attitudes and impulses and I had just read of those awful it's sort of like my little you know. I was going to fix something else that's sort of like my monitor every day because I know that if the Holy Spirit is influencing those things I've got I've got E.Q. right because when the Holy Spirit is in control of those emotions and feelings and those impulses we can do this we can do this. E.Q. continued understanding emotions the ability to comprehend emotional language and to appreciate complicated relationships among emotions there are complicated relationships among our emotions it's not true that you could be having the worst day ever and then you think of something you and your husband or you and your friend are going to do after work and all of a sudden you're happy isn't that a me you see a lot of people say oh you can't control your emotions oh yes you can try this having a good scrap with your husband the doorbell rings and you open the door. How do we do that. You know so seriously being able to to those complicated emotions and thoughts that come to our mind that kind of make us go like this emotionally we can that we can definitely mitigate that through the Holy Spirit's power and learning how to treat others those emotions and those thoughts kick out the ones that are bad and negative and invite the ones that are positive and helpful Here's another 1 managing a motions the ability to regulate emotions of both ourselves and others therefore the emotionally intelligent person can Harnish harness that motions even negative ones and manage them to achieve intended goals some of you've heard me use the illustration of my father brought home a little blue jay that was wounded when he fell a tree. And so he brought in this little blue jay and its wing was damaged and so he stretched it out with a popsicle stick and he taped it all up and here it was for a while you know tell it healed and it did heal him and it flew away 1 day but I recall my mother during a worship putting a little blue jay on her finger because he was quite tame by then you put your finger in front of his little feet and he just kept right on your finger and she brought him here in front of her face so he was looking at her and she said you beautiful little blue jay she said in the most scathing and scolding voice and that Little Boy Blue Jay just up his feathers and what. He did to. Her and then she said watch this why you want to go a little sweet thing you and he just his little feathers went down and took his little head I'm serious in other words our tone of voice nice face can totally to pious you know right now I'm taking care of an elderly woman who's 85 and she has multiple sclerosis and she reads my face I can come in and if she sees I'm stressed or worried she's automatically not in the best mood but I come in in the morning regardless of what's going on and what stress she may have going on in her life and she will just light up a chimney thing same with children babies babies can sense their mama's emotions right it's kind of scary it's a lot of responsibility don't you think but anyway the ability to manage our emotions now notice it doesn't say stuff them. You know we're not talking here about just grin and bear it and get over it but being able to trash those emotions surrender them kick them out whatever the case may be and I don't know about you but I know the battle is for the mind my mind is a battle ground all the time whether it's about what I'm going to think about what I'm going to dwell on what I'm going to focus on whether I'm going to let negative emotions come in all of those things all the time and I have decisions to make when I'm really tired is when I make the worst choices when I'm really tired or when I'm really stressed so that's when we have to be on guard the most OK Moving right along personal awareness when we face conflict we can choose to Number 1 of void and internalize it how many of you are avoiders of conflict you see about 50 percent of us or so are we don't like it it's not fun so we avoid it OK until we blow up maybe all right and then how many and then you don't have to raise your hand some of us Number 2 we handle it poorly you know we address a but we do it in a manner that it really and truly reaps very negative consequences and then number 3 is we handle it well sometimes things go very well it's like pinch me that when great OK And then number 51234 ironically and this is a fact the higher the risk the less likely we are to handle it well and that's sad I don't know for so stressed out and we realize this is a hot topic with our spouse or a hot topic with our child and that we just tend to it's almost like OK let's just jump in with both feet and get it over with and so we end up not handling it well at all so we're going to learn how to how to have some tools that will help us and I don't know what happened there but I think we skipped way ahead or back. OK Here we go here's a beautiful quote from the book evangelism page 173 while the truth must be defended this work is to be done in the spirit of Jesus home. Here no challenging thing defending something and doing it in the spirit of Jesus if God's people work without peace and love they work at a great what a great loss and irretrievable treatable lost souls are driven from Christ even after they have been connected with his work have you seen that in our sample schools in our churches new babies in the Lord or maybe a person new into an area of responsibility they become offended because somebody gets on their case somebody criticizes something they do or challenges what they do or tells them what they're doing wrong and it's so easy for them to become offended and to lose their way you know and that's a terrible thing I shudder to think about the fact that I'm probably discouraged people at times in my ministry and in my life and I'm so sad about that and it's interesting how as we grow in grace the Holy Spirit will bring to us names of people that have been hurt by us and when I was younger I was like well but I said the right thing that was the truth hang up my banner but if we've heard someone do we have an obligation to go to them and make things right I love that scripture if you go to the altar and you recall that you have offended someone else know that they have even if it did you go to them so God puts that onus on us if you know that somebody is offended that you leave your offering and go and make things right so I have lots of experience of this at work people tell me about what Nurse Ratchet did. Them or Dr X. said and offended them 80 percent of my grievances are about attitude isn't that amazing not about quality of care not about an error that was made but about attitude the attitude of the practitioner and so on when people call me and they're very upset and I go to Dr X. and he says that is not the way it happened I say we're all just go back there and set them straight do you think that's going to work do you think you can change someone's opinion of what happened know their perception is truth in their mind whether it's that way or not that's the way they felt it that's the way they saw it that's the way they experienced it the best the best success that I have is having Dr X. or Nurse Ratchet go to them and say I am so sorry that I offended you when you forgive me not I did that for your own good or you heard that long it was my fault so is yours no it's I'm sorry I offended you taking a cue and ability for that can we do that some years ago I offended a woman and in my eyes of estimation I had every right to do so she had a highly offended me and my family and I decided that I it was best if we were not friends and I told her very calmly and I felt very good about the conversation when I hung up but that didn't go well with her and for years she was very hurt by me and when I came in contact with her again I asked her if she would forgive me for hurting her because even though I felt justified in my actions I knew that I had caused her much pain and she was able by God's grace to forgive me you know what I hear in that story I hear a God that says it's not about who's right it's about how can we not make peace at any cost. How can we nurture each other's feelings and emotions the best that we can there's so much pain in the world I don't want to add to it how about you so this is beautiful we do not want to suffer anyone to suffer irretrievable loss because of our poor management of the way we chant with the way we handle even truth a man so let's talk about Kingdom communication the best thing is to ask yourself a question when you're getting ready to have 1 of those conversations with a Sabbath school person in your Sabbath school class or someone in ministry or someone in your family or home or workplace what do I want to achieve in this discussion when you know I don't know about you but sometimes I just want to be right so I want to win is that fair to say sometimes in an argument I just want to weigh in. But then I have to stop and think Tammy what is that you really want want to win but what do you really want and you know what I really want I want to be close I want to have a good working relationship I want to be able to meet each other in the hall and smile and have good feelings with between 1 another I want us to be able to take part in communion together I want us to be able to work side by side in the church and get along you know and so what do I want to and then what do I really want very important and then the 2nd question is how should my behaviors reflect what I want how are my behaviors going to reflect what I want if I come to you we need to talk this out How are my behaviors starting out pretty rough isn't it but I fire prone to humbly and meekness God talks a lot about meekness and sit down and say you know what I want us to be OK I know your heart is to do God's work and to make a difference and that's what I want to can we talk together we approach each other in a spirit of meekness I just believe that we can achieve a lot and even if we go away from a situation like that and still the person is an odds with you you can leave it in just a good kind and gentle loving manner so it will give that person some safety to be able to evaluate their own behaviors because it's not my job to be your Holy Spirit and point out what's wrong with you I'd like to sometimes I tell you especially with my children I remember saying Lord I did not give you permission to give them the power of choice yet. You know and then I remember when our daughter was 19 and the Lord said to me she actually took my hands 1 day it was so precious she took both my hands in hers and she said Mama wisdoms words will always live in my soul but you don't need to keep telling them to me. And she said it so sweetly the mad cry that she cried in the Holy Spirit says so long as you're you know masquerading as me in her soul I can't work. And I had to back out the best thing I ever did we're so close and now the Holy Spirit can work so what do I want to achieve and what are my behaviors looking like so that I can achieve that all right so 1 of the things we have to do in order to have respectful relationships is evaluate the voices in our head Ok so many talk about voices what are the voices telling me so I'm going to give you an illustration I'm a Meyer on a Friday afternoon I'm rushing to get my salad ingredients down the aisle and 1 somebody from church sees me and I see them and I say how. And they don't even look at me they just walk right on by as if they didn't see me wonder if they didn't know I didn't wonder if they did and I thought how rude right and then I think to myself well what is the last time I talk to them Well that was 2 Sabbaths ago well I know what it is she's upset about that conversation we had why I can't believe it and then when I see your church the next thing she's like to me I'm like oh here it is. A right do you see how you can tell yourself a story you could tell yourself a big fat story when the truth is she never saw me in the 1st place right so that's why I say to yourself you have to value a church of voices what are the voices telling you what is it that I want you to know in other words what is it in our friendship I want you to know versus what I'm thinking about you and then Madden managing our own prejudice anybody here prejudice raise your hand you better all get your hands up we are all prejudice we are all prejudiced I'm talking about red and yellow black and white even I am talking about were prejudiced against Sometimes you meet someone you just don't like in the 1st time you see him Have you ever had that happen and you think why don't I like that I've had this happen because they reminded me. Someone they reminded me of someone else in my past who maybe wasn't a nice person right so we have all kinds of things that prejudice our minds and the the safest way to handle prejudice is just to realize you have it once you realize what your prejudices are you can deal with them when they pop up but we are all prejudiced in some way I'll give you another kind of a lame example but it sets it shows the illustration when we were 1st married I love to mock my floors on my hands and knees and I always used pine fall I like that smell it smells clean my husband would come home and say Oh Tammy I hate that smell don't use Pine Sol use anything else and I think. We honey it's no big deal and I think all use it when he won't be home for a while and I'd use it he'd come home oh Tammy and told you Don't you I don't like this can't you use something else what I like Pine Sol because my floors clean what's your problem right so a few months go by and he comes home again Pine Sol tell me I say Patrick what is it you don't like about Pine Sol it's makes no sense to me 99.8 percent all the germs are gone I want to know why you don't like Pine Sol He thought for a minute he said I know why I don't like it I said why he said when I was a tiny little boy probably 3 the so we speak speak cry actually my mother used to drop me off at a daycare and they were very mean to me I can't remember what they did to me but that place smelled like Pine Sol. And every time I smell it it takes me back to a very sad dark place to meet I ever use humming fall again well it's the same we're only ships that give to other I don't know why some of the things I do or say might trigger a bad response in you but if I get to know you I'm my heart is going to be touched and I'm going to want to do whatever I can to make your experience beautiful man OK So Fact or fiction this is this is talking about Weiss as being in choose not to fill in the blue because you said I had a team you know in the grocery store and she took 1 look at you or she didn't you thought she looked right at you right and she didn't say hello do not start filling in the blanks she's upset because a B.B.S. I didn't agree with her craft suggestion or she's upset because I didn't I wanted to have the big an option and she's a man because I took away her cheese oh no but my point is don't fill in the blanks Number 2 remember God so I have a question for you this is all scientifically based How many times out of 10 do a husband and wife have been married 20 years know what the other 1 is thinking how many times 0 to 10 does a wife or a husband know what the other 1 is thinking when they're talking having conversations. They think yes I think you know but no action actually are accurate you've been married 20 years. OK so it's a lot sometimes he says so let's have some guesses 3 OK and he was 555 out of 15 out of 117 out of 10 very good well the facts are 3 at the most 5 but usually it's about 3 or 4 that we know for sure so when that's the case with people who live together sleep together eat together how much more a kid we'd be wrong about assuming things about others right so remember the odds the odds of assuming you know and for those of you who know what assume means the SU mean you know when you don't OK The other thing is what would you want the other person to think if you they were in your this situation because you know more than likely we're going to all be on the other side at some point so would I want my friend or my enemy or whoever it is what I would what kind of courtesy or what kind of giving you the whatever of the doubt what's the word the benefit of the doubt what I want in that situation OK Number 4 is be curious ask yourself a question is a possible Tammy really didn't see in the grocery store she might have something on her mind have you or a look right at someone but you're somewhere else OK maybe she didn't hear me OK those kinds of things so be curious be curious about what are some other options and then number 12345 courage to ask questions Tami I was in my or yesterday getting some salad ingredients and I saw you and said how I really I didn't even see you really I thought I looked turned out me I'm so sorry I could have I just maybe I just was so fixated on what I needed to do I did not see you I apologize you know what I mean oftentimes what I find is that most the time my assumptions are incorrect or at least a lot of it isn't correct very very important so have the courage to ask questions. I had a friend who was always sure that maybe actually done something to offend me here I had people like that and as the pastor's wife you know sometimes my secretary come in the door she'll say what's wrong so what's identified I had my face in order to know I can always tell tell me you're just happy all the time but when you're not I could tell your face like oh my goodness you can't you know so sometimes they come into church and this 1 friend have to time she'd say are you are you going to do some 2 in your humanity say no what happened will you just didn't you know greeny Oh I'm so sorry you know I had so much on my mind I had to do this morning only Lord knows how much we do in the morning getting ready for church so anyway so I said to her I tell you what Robin I said I promise you you know me I'm pretty direct if you and I have a problem you'll be the 1st to know she looks frightened No no I am not mean I'll just sit down and think Robin can we talk. OK So very important be curious have the courage to ask questions so she quit asking me after that because I promised her I had to record down OK all right here this is where we tell ourselves tall tales if you find your that you are speculating and filling in information that's based on anything other than what you've heard directly from who that person stop realize that you don't truly know the answer to the question you're asking and make it a point of asking it the next time you meet with the person the results will be far different than the tale you've made up in your head as if that's true very very important quote It's in the book by Robert Osborne Don't tell the story before you heard it OK a very very good quote There. All right the 5 minute rule for those of you who've heard my husband and I do marriage enrichment seminars the main thing is whenever there's a conflict it's heating up it's really great if you can stop and say hey can we stop for a minute and do the 5 minute rule the 5 minute rule is number 1 I'm not going to interrupt you I'm not going to nonverbally disrespect you. By sighing loudly and rolling my eyes OK no rebuttal in other words I'm not going to be planning what I'm going to say to you as soon as you get to talking and also I'm going to choose to listen to understand those That's a 5 minute rule it's a wonderful way to have a conversation with someone when the stakes are high when conflict is really tough when you're having a tough conversation no interrupting no nonverbal respect no rebuttal bottle it's called the 5 minute rule because that person for 5 minutes uninterrupted gets to state how they feel in these kinds of languages when you came through the door I really felt like you were frustrated because of X. Y. Z. and this is what happened OK those kinds of things so I'll give you an example I come home we're expecting a ton of company on Saturday my husband has agreed that he's going to do this list of chores I'm going to do these but I'm only getting home about an hour before sundown so I'm going to have to make hay while the sun shines because my husband loves to sit down at least 15 minutes to 20 minutes before Sabbath which I think is lovely but I'm thinking about all I have to do I walk in the door and guess what he hasn't touched a thing and there he is. I wonder how that will go across the garden anyway so I. Open my mouth to start in my husband says Wait let's do the 5 minute rule OK OK you go for. I actually started on my chores I got called to the hour got home got called to the hour before I left the parking lot called by the 3rd church member at the hour and I just landed in the house I said You're kidding me said No and I said OK He said I still think we can get this done did you want to say anything I said no I'm good let's go. So so sometimes that 5 minute rule will say well save you from a lot of a lot of assumptions OK All right here's a quote character is the only treasure we take to heaven that's the only thing that we really take to have and it's our characters. Mental ability and genius are not character so many times we size people up in our churches we can all they're so talented all they're quite wealthy and well they're quite educated or they're quite influential will put them in these high positions but it goes on to say for these are often possessed by those who have the very opposite of a good character refutation is not character true character is a quality of the soul revealing itself in how in the conduct the strongest person is he or she who while sensitive to abuse yet will restrain passion and forgive his or her enemies Oh yeah I'm sorry I am not humanly capable about the Holy Spirit controlling Tammy's thoughts emotions that it is meant to have that right so that is marrying off the page to $23.00 the strongest person is he or she who while sensitive to abuse will yet restrain passion and forgive his or her inner me and that is a God thing isn't it it truly is a God thing all right so gender safe communication I promise you 1 of the things we would talk about is why is it then min can get away with having some very intense conversations and stating things very. Directly more than women and this is actually research that was done in the corporate world why isn't that male C.E.O.'s and presidents of corporations can actually deliver very strong messages to the company and get away with them just fine but women who do it they're accused of many things right and you can only imagine what some of those might be so we're going to talk about this a little bit there's cultural stereotypes right women are seen as the nurture I think they are still I think our stereotyping is changing drastically but there's cultural stereotypes within our different cultures there's also forcefully speaking violates those cultural norms we see women as the nurtures that protectors the kind soft touch those kinds of things OK So when a woman speaks very forcefully she can be labeled and the other 1 is angry and out of control versus having a bad day so the boss the male boss can say you know barking orders in there say all that's just Bill he's having a hard day right but Janice does it and it's like OK she's just out of control must be Mina pas P.M.S. You know I'm being serious these are some of the things where they're just acting this way or that way so how is it that as women we can be heard in a board meeting or in perhaps a male dominated arena of communication in a way that will set us up to be able to have those strange strong conversations without appearing as if or not sound possessed makes sense to you and it's a very interesting thing. Emotionally emotional inequality is real and unfair and it is it truly is real in our corporate world but I think also in our churches as well so let's look at this managing stereotyping skills for being forceful assertive and honest and they answer is flaming I don't really like that the word forceful but sometimes you do have to make a very direct decision that you know not everyone is going to like when you're a leader and those are not always easy conversations to have OK And these are actually proven very very careful research was done double blind studies where groups of people were brought in men and women were to go into the room and deliver the exact same message with the exact same face with the exact same tone or in other words voice not higher or lower I mean they did very very careful these people practiced and then they evaluated the results so I found a very fascinating OK So this is how you can do this if I need to make an appeal to the board and I know that it's a very hot topic but I feel very strongly about what I need to state share and I've prayed about it this is a Godly thing that I want to do I can start out by this I'm going to express my peers my opinion very directly just that little preface helps your audience to prepare themselves suddenly they're like OK she's going to speak very directly and she's kind of given us that preface. Here's the other 1 I see this is a matter of integrity so it's important for me to be very clear to you see those are very lovely the waves these are framed but if you frame your strong. Your strong message and these ways people are set up to hear you and hear the spirit in which you want to communicate Here's another 1 I know that I'm taking a risk How's that for being transparent I know that I'm taking a risk here but I'm going to express my opinion very directly you know just having those conversations really sets you up to have some credibility. So making sure that if you are in a situation where you are communicating in that kind of a manner just remember to preface it with an explanation before you have your communication let me show you the research so they did $4570.00 participants and we're looking here at a scale showing you social backlash and emotional inequality So what again they took men and women actors and actresses they had them practice so that their tone of voice their mannerisms their facial expressions eye contact everything had to be the same they have them deliver the exact same messages and you can say see that their male counterparts about 78 percent 7 percent Sol mild forceful a menace but when it was a woman it was about 16 to 17 percent forcefulness look at the moderate forcefulness 15 percent for women men came in and women came in at around 18 strong forcefulness a very strong message men were seen as about us 18 women were seen as 30 Isn't that amazing so the stronger the message the more objectionable it was coming from a female versus a male to me ladies and gentlemen I'm actually just trying to set us up to communicate very important messages in a way that is palatable for your audience and it helps us to be more successful. And I think probably Ellen would have a lot to say about this because she had to deal with a lot of different so look at this the same conversations same direct messages only using the framing statements Well I would like to be clear I'm taking a risk but I'd like to be direct this is a matter of conscience I'd like to share with you openly those kinds of things look at how close they were together OK Isn't that amazing so inoculating the full frame made an incredible difference OK framing I'm going to express my opinion very directly I'll be as specific as possible that lets people know she's going to be direct and specific I see this is a matter of honesty and to take already it's so important for me to be clear about where I stand and see the intensity in her face there's humility in that woman's face she's very intent on what she's saying and yet the way her stance is in such a way that it's very humble and submissive and yet she can be strong so being educated about how we deliver messages with different audiences I think is very important when it cuz comes to conflict resolution or being able to communicate all right and sometimes it's really good to role play you know with your spouse or with a friend. All right the other part of the E.Q. we talked about is awareness remember that awareness of my own emotions awareness of the emotions of those whom I am communicating with unwanted at repercussions from assertive communication is reduced when the speaker takes a few moments to explain his or her positive purpose before stating the content so recently at our hospital we had to make some cuts and our C.E.O. Our president is a woman and she said By the way center there's 3 search article I'm sharing with you she was very she loved it she said to me we said that to me again I lost it and I want to share it with some of my comrades so she got up and she said what I'm about to tell you is difficult for me and I am so sad that we have to do this but I need you to be clear that this is not at all what we want to do but we are going to have to instead of cutting F T's we're going to going to not replace those who quit for different reasons and I know the still be painful for some of us because we already are wearing many hats but let's have a conversation about how we can adjust our workloads and make this work do you see so we saw her as compassionate she kind of said by the way we're not rehiring all the positions Stana we're going to have to figure out how to do it make it work we would a left the building feeling very differently so framing those conversations those tough situations very very important OK so what time do we is at 430 that we in 445 OK We have some time measurable behaviors expectations looks like agreement commitment measurement and follow up communication so let me talk about each 1 of these so when I have a conversation that's very direct so I'm going to give an example let's pretend that we have a Sabbath school a leader who is always late. And the children are showing up to sap a school and there's no teacher in the division and fact their assistant is always late too so we have a problem now this is the thing that my husband always says sweetheart The challenge is that all of the church officials are volunteer positions so I can't write them up and we can't evaluate rate it's very challenging because they can just say oh I quit right and so how do we have these conversations and not offend people keep them in their positions and yet the same time motivate or inspire them to want to be there early so we come to this out of school person the steps school superintendent you're the Sabbath school superintendent and you come to T.M. emailing and you say Tammy you have such an important class you have it just these lovely children in your class and we're finding a challenge I'm not sure what's going on but for some reason it seems like the last few Sabbaths you've been late and is there something going on that I need to know about that I can help you with now I've had people at work I've had to say to them you know what Julie you're always late. And we can't have that so I'm going to have to this is a crucial conversation but if it happens again I'll write you up so Julie's late again I write her up and then she's late again I'm like she really doesn't want her job but what if I had this conversation Julie I notice you're having a hard time making it to work on time can I ask you what's going on that makes it hard for you to come in yes Tammy my child care center actually change their hours I'm still speaker at 8 and that's when they open so I dash I'm there waiting I dash them in the minute the door opens they're not Oh you always open the door in time it takes me 3 minutes to get here and we have a 3 to 5 minute leeway but she's getting here at 10 or 15 after I said Well Julie I'm so glad we had this conversation it doesn't bother me at all if we started $830.00 would that be OK You would work a half an hour later but you could come in a half an hour early later whoa Tami that would be great Do you see what a different conversation that is so it's the same way with ourselves schools person to me I notice that it's it's challenging for you to be here right on time is something going on or was that just a fluke Well actually you know I just interrupt you but I'll work on that sometimes we will figure out other times they say honestly it's just I have a hard time getting out of bed and well you are a great teacher and we don't want to lose you in that division at all what are some ideas you have so that we can have someone here for the children and you can be meaningful until you arrive I mean seriously we can have a collaborative conversation with people and hopefully come to a conclusion and of course you be all prayed up and then whatever happens you know God will be there so that setting expectations by having that come conversation with Tammy I've said an expectation that I'm really counting on her being there and ready to have a program and 930 and so then when we're talking about brainstorming and storming about how we can make that happen maybe she can come up with some ideas for people she knows that could come early and she could tell them the story that they're doing that's continued each week and they could start out with that story those kinds of things. All right looks like sometimes it's really good to say it seems like or it looks like this is happening so you're not saying this is obviously happening you're lazy and you're rolling in here late. But it seems like that you're late a lot or it looks like you're having a hard time getting here and I was wondering if there's something I could do to help so instead of accusing that person or labeling behavior tell telling what it looks like because it's sort of like when I was the director of a of an inpatient unit it was very hard to say OK I'm not giving them a raise because of their bad attitude Well that's a work you have to measure it they frown all the time they're short and blunt they're irritable this is the kinds of things they say when they come in the morning we'd have to say their behaviors so it's the same way your behavior is this is what it seems like I notice you get here usually at about 20 til 10 or a quarter to tell 10 those kinds of things agreement do you agree that the best thing is for us to have something going on at 930 when the kids arrive I'm finding they're going into some of the other classes and their junior early teen leader feels like that their program isn't really meant for primary kids so do we agree that we need to do something so having agreement is very and then how about a commitment of Tammy just says The truth is I just have a hard time getting out of bed sad with morning because it's feel so good to sleep in and I don't have to punch a time clock concept it's more of a you know so it's that the commitment but you know what I'm going to work on that So you're committed to try to be here at $930.00 I appreciate that Tammy so much and if you find that doesn't happen maybe we can get together and have another plan you know but then there's that sort of that commitment that you've made with the person and then measurement keeping track Hey Tammy I just noticed the last couple weeks you were running late I know you committed to be. We're at $930.00 How about another plan is there something else we could do you know because we have that commitment so we're going to go back and measure that it's very important not to set a standard that we don't keep up with and then follow up in communication Tammy I want to thank you so much the kids are so happy in your class and the parents have mentioned to me how much they appreciate the kids this class being open when they get here at 930 so I just want to thank you I think it encourages our young people to show up on time sets a great example I just want to thank you for what a great leader you are very important don't you think we don't always stick to time to appreciate 1 another polie to we need to some of you have heard me say about 10 years ago I attended a funeral where everybody got up and went on and on about this poor lady in our church who had died and she was 1 of these behind the scenes persons who never got up on a stage or tutor own Harn like some people I know anyway and so she was just this very humble little worker but here she lay dead and everybody was standing in the audience taking turns saying how awesome she was just ticked me right off I left the funeral thinking you know that poor woman didn't know half the things that those people said I bet you nobody told her that and then the Holy Spirit tapped me on the shoulder and said Did you. Know I did neither so I made a commitment with the Lawrence held that when I appreciate something about someone I tell them and I would you know I would I've told some you about my minor story came around the corner with my card almost broadsided this. But I sure wish I was shocked that I almost ran into her but also I noticed right away how pretty she was and I just blurted out You Are So Beautiful gotten us to really have fun making you and she just looked at me shy and then I realized that wasn't so good so I said to her I'm very happily married and I don't want anything and then she laughed and I said No seriously I don't know about your voices in your head but the voices in my head don't always tell me how pretty I look and I want you to know you really are a very beautiful person. She said I said this is the part we're supposed to say thank you she said thank you and then my face was red and I was ready to leave and I turned around and she said scuse me and I turned back around and she said You will never know how much I needed that today so what if we do hold all these things in our hearts and we don't tell people how we've done them a disservice some of the times we think of people being talented who can get up front and present things like markers but I will tell you that when God brings our our crowns some of you he will bring them in and we'll borrow and you will be shocked and it will be because you took the time to say the simple words of encouragement and you never know what soul is labored with untold burdens and your word of comfort will make all the difference you see numerous stories on Facebook of people whose lives are span heard by someone taking the time to reach out to them or say a kind word that is a talent sisters a talent that we can all use so make sure that your communication your follow up with people if you've had a crucial conversation with a spouse a child someone to church someone to work the you follow up and tell them the things you appreciate or where you see you don't do right then that sometimes undoes everything you're done I have learned that too but when you follow up and you see that people are making an effort to improve be sure that you appreciate them verbally very very very powerful then the other thing is modeling don't ever think for a minute that the best thing we can do is our own full influence Never underestimate the power of influence we are told that we all have a spear of influence the surrounds our soul 1 of joy peace and love. 1 of for unethical busy frantic worried scurrying around that's me a lot and that or 1 of bitterness and sand and ugliness and darkness those are the 3 descriptions we're told I think and thoughts from the man of blessings Anyway I want to have the influence around my soul of the positive so we are told that there will be souls in the kingdom that we will say wow I don't think I did anything just our sphere of influence the Holy Spirit can use in a powerful way to draw people to Jesus a man so if I'm spending time with Jesus every morning I'm going to have that sphere of influence around my soul that will give off this so our influences there are power of influence the other thing is walk that talk don't preach it and then don't really live it what I find is the things that annoy me most sometimes are the things I struggle with Have you ever found that that's what annoys me and other people or about the time I really judge you and I pin you down and I'm just like oh that's just frustrating you're disgusting a week later I do it with a Holy Spirit like. And I love the Holy Spirit because he only points out my flaws so that I can surrender them to him not to rub my nose in it I love that but I want to walk the talk I want to be the example of what I want others to do and then facilitate discussion don't be afraid to have a discussion with someone who you don't see eye to eye I know you have a difference of opinion on this can you explain this to me sometimes when I'm sure somebody has had behavior that I think is so objectionable work often say to them you know the other day I overheard you saying this and this can you explain to me what you meant it's often much different than the picture I had when I went away so stay curious don't pigeonhole people stay curious about really where they were coming from what they meant what their background is what is it that made them react or act this way and facilitate discussion as long as we can talk to 1 another it will make all the difference in the world. The other 1 is invite feedback that can be scary but I did that I learned to do that as a manager when I had lots of direct reports had about 75 direct reports and when I would you care about you a should I say now it's time to turn the tables how can I be a better manager what are some things I've done this last year that have been helpful for you what have been some things that you felt I could have improved on and how and I got some of the best feedback most people say oh you know. Probably because they avoided comfort you know just getting But then I have some people said you know to me seems like a couple of us are having a problem in this area used in an e-mail to everyone that's really disheartening because it makes me feel like you think this about me even though that's not my my work ethic so could you just communicate with the people who have the issue Note to self I will you know so I learned some really valuable things from my employees so I think it's great if we invite feedback Mr Simpson to me I can do to make it easier for you to be here at 930 you know can I open your door for you may I put out you know some craft or those kinds of things or maybe you don't want to do all that and that's OK too just trying to build on our example tools for our backpacks so when we leave here I hope that you'll be more self-aware take the time to be aware of your own feelings maybe your own face your own tone of voice so that you can definitely learn from that make sure that you're respectful not only to your own time so maybe you don't want to offer the craft because you're already busy doing other things but in the way that I interact with those who may frustrate me is my tone of voice my face my demeanor my body language is a respectful the words that I use Stay curious ask questions before you make a judgment stake here eous I just can't emphasize that enough also be transparent you know to me what I really want is for us to have a dynamic Sabbath school class. As for our children I want our kids to love coming to church how can I support you and making sure we're ready for them at 930 so transparency expectations and commitments can I expect this of use in our Can I can I know for sure that you're going to really make this a commitment to be here at 130 that is great and I'm committed that if you're running late Give me a call and I'll help you out those kinds of things teach bad communication 1 of the things we find with our patients is we explain to them what the plan is when they go home and many times they don't remember that So what I say to my patients is you know what Mrs Milligan I pride myself on being a very good communicator and then I chuckle but I find out I'm not always so what did I just tell you to do. And then the patient will say you said I needed to do this this this and this exactly only 1 thing I didn't tell you right and then I can elaborate Do you see rather than OK Mrs Milligan I know you're probably an idiot so tell me what I just. Tell you we can be offensive but if I can do it that way to my patients you know what I think I'm a good communicator but you tell me if I was 1 of the 4 things you need to do when you go home then I'm making sure and as that person repeats those back to me they're going to remember them better right so we can do the same thing in our communication you and I have a meeting we have an issue we work through and I say so so what are we going to go from here what are we talked about that's going to be helpful I'm going to do this and you're going to do what and just make sure that we kind of review what we've talked about and the decisions that we made those are the tools that we can use and measuring and then at the end measuring is just to make sure have we followed through and what we said to Tammy do her part to the other person are they following through with theirs and making sure in a month or so we get back together hey I just want to thank you we're doing great or you know this isn't working can we do something else those kinds of things because if we just do this 1 thing and we never fall through things will fall through the cracks so very important to measure our success beautiful quote friends we who claim to be Christians to be following the lamb whether soever he goes are to strive against the devices of C. to call to mind to do well upon and cherish the wrong and unjust acts of others will not help the case at all those who are ready to speak and think evil of their brother and are hurting Christ in the person of His saints they grieve the heart of Christ and place their own souls in jeopardy listen for most of my life I've just thought I was special and Jesus probably loved me just to teach me. And he left but God has shown me that he adores your soul every bit as much as mine and that has helped me when I come to talk with you about something that might be hurtful or challenging to make sure that I come to you in a very humble manner because the way I relate to you is the way Jesus is seeing me relate to him a man very very important and this beautiful book. On page $31.00 ministry of reconciliation it goes on to say here that we are to put there for on as the elect of God the Holy and beloved bows of mercy kindness humbleness of mind that means to see you better than me for me to see you better than myself meekness long suffering for bearing 1 another for giving 1 another if any man had a quarrel against any even as Christ forgave you so also to do ye and as I was taking a walk not too long ago and struggling with forgiving an individual struggling struggling struggling Finally I cried out to God I said Lord give me the forgiveness for this person that you have given me and I was set free so I believe that when we come to the end of our resources to deal with a brother or sister we can say Lord do give me that which you have for me and He will however. So that's all we celebrate success I think it's really really great when we make sure that we commend 1 another we appreciate 1 another and we just come together and say thank you so much that we can have this talk I feel so much closer to you I'm glad that we can have these conversations I'm glad we're OK and our friendship has weathered this stressful time I know you and I are on the way they haven't let's lock arms and let's go to the kingdom together those kinds of things are very important messages questions. Oh that I just quoted let's let's let's back up 1 that's this stay with God page 290 it oh the 1 in my hand the quote that I just quoted my hand is from the ministry of reconciliation by James Rafferty and it's on page 31 so we have a few minutes for question answers anybody or are you know comments questions about something maybe I didn't cover in this class that you were hoping that we would talk about anyone how can we well thank you so much have a blessed day and listen with prayer Father in heaven I thank you that we are truly brothers and sisters on our way to the promised land or on our way to the kingdom sometimes it's surreal it's hard to even imagine but it's true our names are written in the Lamb's book of life our names are engraved on the palms of your precious wounded hand and Lord you promise and Philippians 16 A You will finish the work you be can in each of our hearts in our lives I thank you that you're the 1 completing it because I don't see how but I know that you are Lord and Savior the majesty of heaven. For forgive us where we've wounded people forgive us when we haven't communicated in ways that were respectful and kind and compassionate we just pray be you give us hearts that will love souls the way you love souls or you will help us to love each other the way you intended for us and that you would bring beautiful unity into our church families into our homes because that's where it starts and to all of our relationships we thank you Lord for your promises and power through the Holy Spirit to do these things in your spirit and we pray in. This media was brought to you by audio verse a website dedicated to spreading God's word through free sermon audio and much more if you would like to know more about audio verse or if you would like to listen to more service leaders Visit W W W audio verse or.

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