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Managing Children

Judy Shull




  • June 19, 2017
    6:00 PM


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Let's our heads there Jesus thank you so much for today thank you for the safekeeping in the storms thank you for giving us children to minister to and Lord we look forward to the day when we are in heaven with you until then please leading guide us as we go forward in your name Amen. Well as I was telling a couple of you in the last year or 2 years my husband and I have been to China 3 times on children's ministry trips just and they would move us all around the country we're going all why don't we just stay here the 1st place we went to there were. We drove in we land we land in China I don't know where we're going to be we just we're headed to China I don't understand any names I don't know where anything is but somebody is going to meet us and China and so we land and there was another lady with us and I think going through customs and immigration thinking we don't send a picture of us ahead of time how are they going to know who we are and then I look around and realize we are the only people who look like us there is nobody else who looks anything like us and China I'm considered a blonde. And. We go walking out through the doors and now we are in China we can't get back in the plane and go home and there are 3 young men who are waving and. We figured that was for us and so we went over and and 1 of them spoke English and yes he was there we were going to get a false and all of our luggage for 2 weeks into a van and it was about a 2 hour trip to where we were going to stay OK where are we going to stay oh you're going to stay at the church. OK We don't know what we're doing we're just going and we get in the van and the person who speak some English starts walking away whoa wait he lives in the city he just came to make sure that we got connected with the people who are taking us to the church and it's the middle of the night in a scoring rain and we're in a van going through the fog and I started to think. Lord what do we get ourselves into and these people could do anything I mean we don't know where we are we can't we don't know where we're going all we did was tell our children parents we're going to China that was it who we were and. We weren't sure of the name of the place we were flying into or anything they just knew that we were in China for 2 weeks and they had to take care of the dog and. 2 hours down the road I'm going they could take us anywhere we could disappear forever you know and you start getting a little panicky at 2 o'clock in the morning when you've been flying and traveling for 24 hours and they started slowing down and it looked very remote there were very many lights on we'd been going through cities and we. Turned off and went through a big gate and I thought I don't know where I am then we drove down a dark alley and getting more and more nervous and then it stops and I thought all right now if anything's going to happen it's going to be now and I looked out the van window and saw the most beautiful sight in the world it was our 7th Day Adventist Church logo. I thought oh I'm home I'm OK I'm in a foreign country but I know that so I and and it was it was a wonderful experience we were teaching them about how to do children Sabbath school because as I told you once for 60 years they had been in hiding they couldn't be out in the public doing Sabbath school and so. We had this amazing a spirit we actually in China their churches frequently have guest rooms and so we were in 2 of the guest rooms and then they brought people in from all over the state they call it province all the churches in the province came to see these Americans who were going to tell them that yes children can learn the Bible and they can learn about Jesus and I was so astonished that somebody thought children can do that and as my husband and I demonstrated with another lady Martha. How to do beginner Sabbath school how to do kindergarten primary how to do Junior an early teen the people were so excited and saw interested in what was happening and they just wanted more and more and they ended up sending us then. 2 hours by plane to another city to do the same thing and then 3 hours by plane to another city to do the same thing we thought why are you moving us around so much well lo and behold we were illegal we were supposed to be there sharing those kind of things that was not allowed so. We were just glad we found that out just before we left and. But on our 2nd trip there they took us up near Russia North Korea and there is even more remote and they actually kept us hidden in the church and wouldn't let us come out if anybody who wasn't a member that they knew wasn't there and then on Sunday 200 people are there to find out about children Sabbath school and we actually did end up having to go into hiding in a couple places and. They've 1 place they won't even put a mike on me because they they would just do the translator because they didn't want anybody to hear English so I hope it was all very exciting and those things still happen even in this day and age Last summer I was actually able to go and teach teachers. For Chinese Union mission and part of what you're going to see is some of what I was sharing with them and they have what they call home schools where they will board 7th 8th and 9th graders maybe 2025 and there it's a boarding school for these children because the parents say if we put the children into the public school we will lose them for eternity every time they've they've seen it enough because the schools teach religion and the religion is money and so money becomes your god and you don't have anything to do with what else is going on. And so they're saying that there is a huge hunger and thirst but after 9th grade these kids can no longer go to school they're now allowed to go to university they're not allowed to go to high school because they've been in a church school and even some of the church schools the kids know where to run to hide when the inspector comes once a week because those aren't allowed either but there is such a tremendous thirst and an hunger for knowing about Jesus and training the children about Jesus that. The next year I'm not going to be the principal greater Lansing out of school I'm going to be working on things for some of those churches in China that are hungering and thirsting so much for the love of Christ for their children and. 1 of their big questions was how do we manage children and so I'm going to be talking to us parents as Sabbath school leaders as church school leaders because the principles apply all the way across the board room look at 3 things I call these the 3 R.'s we're looking at the roles the routines and the relationships these are the 3 things roles routines and relationships are what gets you. Having a fantastic time with what other her children that you're dealing with the 2 children that I was showing a picture of my grandchildren about a year ago and I've been doing some of the iris like this since my children were his age and so the boys always had to sit in. Because we did frequent Sabbath afternoons and and the boys would have to sit I have 2 sons and listen and if they heard me tell a story about them. They got ice cream for supper Sabbath evening because we just really really didn't do ice cream much but if mom talked about them then they got to have ice cream and. But they did listen in a couple of years ago when the little girl was about 1 years old my my son. You know mom used to talk about the importance of routines maybe we need to start some routines with her and I'll tell you a little bit about that when we get to that point but let's take a look at the roles what is your role as a parent as a Sabbath school leader as a school teacher are you doing all the work until all hours of the night and when if you have 1 like this I guarantee you are because you're probably up most nights. I asked my daughter in law with the 5 year old what's the longest stretch of sleep she gets and about 4 hours the 5 month old and the teachers we end up being at work constantly and it's kind of weird giving up those 14 hour days but I'm going to be OK with that and natural teachers work hard at disciplined management and that would be natural parents natural Sabbath school teachers you're going to if you have that gift this doesn't seem like a big issue why of course you do this or you of course you do that but people who don't have their gift as something else they are there gifted in a different way we're going to go through some of the steps that are going to help you a natural teacher a natural parent is going to be very relaxed not up high when the when things happen and. The more emotionally warm you can all probably all think in your mind right now. Your favorite teacher who has a mental image of your favorite teacher and you're probably going to see that they were a very warm person very welcoming. I never hugged any of my teachers academy graduation they all hugged me. But I was not the hugger of everybody so I'm always surprised when my students will hug me and that's wonderful and if you're not a hugger you know I went through years of of teacher training where you're not supposed to touch a child you know hands off and you can do appropriate pat on the back and so you're just not supposed to hug them you're not supposed to touch them you're not supposed to pat their hand and that my 1st year of teaching I was in grades I had grades 1 through 4 and I had a fabulous teacher's aide who came right out of the day care system and she hugged them all the time and they sat on her lap and I thought this is not there how come you get to do all the hugging and I'm supposed to not you know have any physical contact so the older I got the more I realize that. The appropriateness and the deep deep need and you can tell for kid doesn't want to be hugged or patted or touched you know they're going to give you the signals but the other ones are going to lean into you and they're going to. My little staying up here is my my granddaughter who wanted to just snuggle at lunch. OK not not a problem whatsoever but you are going to have littler kids who are going to want to do that with you too they're going to want to be close to you they're going to want to get to pat you they're going to want you to hug them and so look at what's appropriate in the role that you have now if you're a parent you're going to be hugging them and kissing them and all the time it's nonstop but for those of us who don't get to do that all the time watch your child the child's body reaction as to what kind of emotional or physical contact you're going to have with them and women get to do a little bit more than men kids are a little bit more reserved about that I watch my husband and the granddaughter just keeps throwing herself on top of them piling on them over the top of them and so it's just like having the boys back being a little again but kids need physical contact and we just have to look at appropriate ways to make that happen so your role as a teacher or a parent. Has lots of different steps. But look for ways that don't involve you being the 1 doing everything and think for a minute about who's in charge of your life now the 5 month old grandson as is pretty much in charge of a lot of things his mother schedule for 1 his 2 and a half year old sister is in charge of a lot of things but their mom and dad are there and there's no doubt in the child's mind that who's in charge of them and when it's not Mom and Dad it's grandmother and granddaddy and you know we work on obedience and. You know you've couple of you who have people who are through the terrible twos know that life gets brighter on the other side and just wait until they're 4 or 4 was fabulous that we were saying. Oh no don't tell my daughter in law that. I all I know is when they hit 4 they seem to turn a corner and just be delightful. But but no matter what role you're in whether it's parent teacher Sabbath school teacher make sure the ones that you're the 1 in control of your life not the children children are longing for somebody smarter than them to make their decisions they're going to fight you for it I just got done teaching 9th and 10th graders but because they'd had me on and off for different classes for 6 years there was never a doubt who was the 1 in charge then my ask what are we going to do next we just took a big trip to Mackinaw Island like you're sure and. It wasn't of can we do this can we do that it was well what are we going to do 1st 1 to let you visit the subs the. Shops 1st I know that's your highest priority so once we got that out of the way they could come down and then what's next I said well I know I scream so high on your list so we'll visit the ice cream shop next. So then it's 3 o'clock in the afternoon and we get to go do the things I want to do so we went in this to the fore and we took them on a bike ride all around the island after all that fudge and ice cream they needed. And took them out for a nice up her at a restaurant and I had said you know we are 7th Day Adventist I you know you may be home but when we go out as a group we don't eat meat we don't drink soda pop I'm not saying any of that's wrong or bad but as a group we're going to reflect what we're teaching. Nobody argued with me but they've had me for several years and they knew that this was the way and they knew that I was in charge and they did an excellent job of ordering we're not going to tell their parents what they got because. It was not the most balanced meal but I knew that you know they're teenagers they'll survive and just all the things we did I want we went up to the locks I want to see the big ships so they all came up and watch ships with me were going to go for a boat ride through the locks you know they weren't they didn't get to make a lot of choices but they were willing because they knew I had their best interest at heart and that's what you want to make sure your children know you have their best interest at heart and that's where the relationships come in it's over time the 1st couple of years I was the principal and I was saying there's no meat on when we go out in public if we're going back from lift and we stop at Taco Bell you're not getting anything with meat on it all they were so upset when I can hope chicken a home. She can buy buy it myself that's fine but you're not with me if you're going to travel with me you're going to follow the best of our health principles. And so but it was over time in the building of that relationship and explaining why it is we believe what we believe and why we do what we do do that it became a no argument issue and that's what I would like for you to remember is you need to be in charge you need to know what it is you're going to do and I'll talk these through with the kids ahead of time but it's mostly you have to be the salesman they wanted to go down to see the arc down in Kentucky which just I would love to do that except the 10th graders had already been down to the Creation Museum and that's a trip where you do both of those things and they had been to the creation museum twice said next year see if you can't go next year because and you know be new for everybody let's go up north I would love to go to Mackinaw Island really didn't want to drive in all that traffic you know and I told them that but it was because of the relationship because they trusted me because I explained to them why we were doing what we were going to do why are we riding the bikes around the island because I want to know you know and you can do some things that are just that simple as why do we have to go to bed now well because that's when I want you to go to bed and then you can explain to them because if you don't get enough sleep then you get sick then you're crabby. Explain to them all the reasons that you might want them to go to bed not that you know because if you go to bed I CAN you don't as you know. That probably is not going to work real well but if you sit down and I am just amazed my daughter in law explains things to my 2 and a half year old granddaughter and great links and I think. She's been doing this and she was that age and how does she understand this but she understands a phenomenal amount and her mother explains over and over why it is I'm learning so many things why it is that she needs to do some of the things she needs to do so be in charge of the life build that relationships and then incorporate routines. And. We want to avoid. The learned helplessness and children and I don't care whether it's school Sabbath school or home our children can learn to be helpless if we let them and as a grandmother I have to be really careful because I could be training them to be helpless because I want to do you know they call me a whore so glad you called me and come running and mother is over there saying you know you need to go to Grandmother not make her always come to you and you need to ask politely and I'm just glad she's asking so we need to help not train our children to be helpless and that's important no matter what children you're dealing with and routines are a fabulous way to make this happen so my son is having trouble getting the 2 year old to bed our 1 year old at that point and he says to his wife we need to have some routines I remember mom talking a lot about routines back mom used to talk about bedtime routines because that's when they were battling with her mom used to say you have worshiped. You have bath time you have snuggle book time and then go to sleep let's start this routine and they have had that routine ever since and they try to stay on it as much as possible that there's this at 8 o'clock there are 730 they're starting to to have family worship and they're getting her through and the battles for bedtime anted Now that doesn't mean she went to sleep she's just like her dad lays in bed for a couple hours before going to sleep but she learned that there is no fighting bunch once you have worship then you have bath once you have bath you get snuggles and stories once you get snuggles and stories you go to bed and that's it you can cry and holler all you want but the day is over your special time with Mom and Dad is over. And and it worked he said Mom you won't believe it worked well yeah we did that with you for a decade well i wouldn't it work but. Some parents and some of your Sabbath schools may need you made need to train your parents now we also when I was growing up we did not get to have money to much dessert and Sabbath morning was don't a morning at our house growing up because we never you never got donuts you never this was oatmeal every morning for breakfast but for some reason my dad like to go to the local donut shop and he'd pick up fresh donuts and that was our Sabbath morning treat so when my children are big enough and they have teeth and they're ready to to have that special breakfast that I grew up with I got them donuts What was that a huge mistake that was a bad routine we did that 1 time because then they started bouncing off the church walls that was terrible I thought my brother and I never did that but different generation so no it was back to old meal on Sabbath morning for breakfast and and none of that wild behavior we also learned something else that and this is again for you Sabbath school teachers and parents between Sabbath school and church we learned that we needed to take our our sons for a walk outside winter summer didnt matter they needed a fresh air walk so they could sit through church they needed at least 10 minutes to get the wiggles out runaround. And we were telling our son that story do you remember Dad used to always walk you out around the whole block of the church. And his problem is the little girl has all her Wiggles at Sabbath school can't sit down can't stay focused and she gets no sugar so last week 2 weeks ago they got her up at 7 and took her out to the park for a long walk said mom that really helped. She wanted to be carried a lot and we said no no no this is so you'll sit in Sabbath school but some of our parents don't understand that and they're not looking they're giving their children sugar they're getting their children to bed late and they're not giving them some exercise before they come to our saddest goal classes and then they wonder why the children can't sit and focus and those are all little things that you know in your kind way you can kind of teacher Sabbath school leaders so that the children are in and good routine and they're as Sabbath school if they're up at 7 o'clock taking a walk there cept school by 930 if that's when your saddle school starts and then 7 school is only an hour for most of us and I don't want to lose any of that hour because for some of the children that's the only hour of Jesus they get all week and especially if you have beginners and kindergarten talk about family worship and really promote that with your families don't let your children learn to be helpless. So what are some things to do instead of having our children do it what are some of the things we do instead of having our children do it for themselves my granddaughter will come and say Can you would you get my sandal on and so being a grandmother I'm putting her sandal on and her mother says she can do that herself OK show me how you can do it I'm still involved in getting that sandal on but now she's showing me how she can do it and I'm not making her be helpless and our children can do more and more things than we think they can. OK So do we spoon feed them or let them feed themselves when my children were sons were growing up I I let them feed themselves I made sure that they were on something that wasn't carpet and that you know bath time came after supper and I could take the high chair outside and hose it off but I did not want to have to constantly be feeding them and I catch myself doing that with the granddaughter why don't you take the fork I put the beans on the fork for you you take the fort so are we doing that are we cleaning their bedrooms for them now this is this is my in-laws right here and I learned early on that if I said to my sons your grandparents are coming to visit that room was clean I on the other hand could say clean your room you need to clean your room your room really needs to be cleaned up and there would be a less than heart fell attempt but it won't get clean but if I said Grandmother will be here in an hour. I didn't have to say anything else like the grandmother will be here in an hour and the boys would disappear into their room and the room would be clean when they were done and all grandmother had to do is come in and say oh your rule looks so good oh I love how you made your bed all look how you got all the wrinkles out of your bed all your clothes are all hanging up nicely and all you don't have any piles of clothes I'm so proud of you and I'm over here going I can say the same thing I would say those exact same words and they just kind of but if their grandmother would come in and they would do anything for a while she lived 8 hours away and so they kind of doll doll that cleaning up their room then when that they were only an hour away things and we would call and say you need to come for a visit. Because it sure be us having to fight with the kids to clean up their room. But. The Spirit of Prophecy tells us that we should be working with our children and so we work with our children to clean up their rooms but we need to explain to them what a clean room looks like. This last Friday I went to the farmer's market with my daughter in law and granddaughter and oh it was such a beautiful food a wonderful time and on the way back I said Oh you are so well behaved. And then her mother went on to explain what well behaved look like at the farmer's market you held her hand you didn't touch everything you stayed with us you didn't beg for things you were so good we you made sure that you don't run into people thought excellent You're telling her exactly what it looks like good behavior and that's what we need to do with our children we need to tell them not just you're being good you're needing to say what that good looks like what does it look like if you're good and that's part of the routines that we're going to talk about some other things we might. Take their laundry to the washing machine they can carry their their dirty clothes or put them in the laundry basket we shouldn't have to pick up their dirty stuff off the floor as soon as the child can bend over and pick something up teach them where you want their dirty clothes to go or if their clothes are still clean where do you want them to go until you can get them folded or by the age of 2 you should start teaching them how to fold some things now. If you're obsessive compulsive disorder that's not going to work for you because things are not lined up square and it wouldn't be the way you would do it and I had a couple students last year in 10th grade who could never when I dump out all the clean dish towels and say we need to fold these and put them away from when we've picked top picks hot lunch they're the perception had to be just so. Your children are not going to do that it age too but they can fold it and they can help put it away when my granddaughter spills something on the floor she knows what what drawer to go to in my kitchen and what towel to get out to mop it up with and how to stand on the water to get it to absorb into the towel Those are all learned behaviors but you know I'm sorely tempted to just do it myself because I can do it faster and 3 other towels don't fall out on the floor but what happens I'm teaching her helplessness if I do that and we've got to teach our children not to be helpless. Cleaning up their spills Yup they can do that. You have to determine how much you value your plates as to what you're going to let them do my granddaughter takes certain things to the sink when she gets out my house there are other things that. I follow right behind her you know. And I have certain dishes that we always use when they come over and I said this is because I really want to new set of dishes and she can break whatever she wants to her mother not to her and the child hasn't broken a thing yet and I still have those dishes. To make their bags and again we have to talk through what a good made that is we need to go through the steps we need to describe it to them we need to work with them but not do it for with them as soon as they're able to follow directions they might only be able to pull little bit on the sheet but they still should be helping us do those things. Cleaning their desk. And we have to tell them what a clean desk looks like it for teachers or homeschooling parents are going to really want to make sure that their desks stay clean and sometimes I have drawn a map for students to show them how to put their books on their desks and fortunately that only works with the kids who cleaned us the rest have no clue still. What's Well I did something unexpected. Right so sharpen their pencils I sharpened pencils for you today but then I don't know if there'd be a pencil sharpener you're what might happen but when your children come home and they have school work to do make them sharpen their own pencils make them have a place for their things at your house set aside a special place for all of their school supplies because as a teacher over and over I didn't have any postals I couldn't do my schoolwork I don't have any paper I couldn't do my schoolwork. That is an excuse that doesn't work you know well you knew I had pencils here for us school I had paper here for us school you can take it home and do your work or you can not do it that's your choice but instead of saying Oh I'm so sorry I'll give you another day now when a child come home and tells me you know I was at permeating last night and then I had to take care of my little sister and then she was sick during the night and I didn't get up early OK I'm going to give you a little a little slack on that 1 there are some genuine reasons why a child might not get their schoolwork done but if they're faithfully getting it done every night they're not going to have tons to do if they're actually doing what they're supposed to be doing during the school day they're not going to have a lot of homework if your child starts coming home and saying they have lots of homework go talk to the teacher and find out what they're doing in class. That's causing them because there are children who will come home with tons of homework and the parent 1 of the parents came in to talk to me and say. You are sending too much school work home. And I'm thinking about what am I sending home she has to do all of her math every evening we have an hour and a half for math every day she's doing it at school what you know I want the kids to do the things that school because I want to help them and with the mass series we use now parents can't help because the vocabulary is totally different same math different approach. So. The she shouldn't have that much schoolwork and talking to the girl and saying are you taking this HALL Well she always made sure she didn't do some things at school because she wanted to visit with friends that's the number 1 thing to not get things done but she also if she had school work she got out of household chores. So she always made sure to bring an hour's worth of work in her mind home and tell her parents she had to do her schoolwork and so should have to do the dishes or help with the laundry or help back you more or anything she got out of all of that but the parents as we are you know I'm asking her about these questions it's all coming out the reason she's having so much school work and the father just looked at me and well that ends today so. If your children are bringing home a lot of school stuff find out why go talk to the teacher that's the kids do all kinds of funny things and they're pretty smart and they're very smart and they come up with a lot of stuff too but have a supplier for them even if you're not home schooling I have a special spot with everything then in your routines for homework. Might my sons used to do their homework at the kitchen table while I was fixing supper because I could keep my eyes on them they could ask questions and I could make sure that they were not fooling around because a lot of them will say I worked 3 hours on homework last night and they were really goofing around for 2 hours and $45.00 minutes or so. But but then I'm there to answer any questions that they might have and I was their teacher too part of the time. When my younger son got into 7th grade I no longer knew all of his assignments every day and 1 night at bedtime it was time to turn out the light at 8 o'clock Oh mom I have a science test tomorrow I need your help to study for All right we set down and we studied for a science test and I said Don't you ever do that again you come as soon as school's out and you tell me what you need my help with with your homework and I will fit it in before bedtime because if you ever do this again you're going to fail your science test because I'm not going to keep let you stay up late but I have parents who keep their kids up way late into the night and children need that routine of sleep and I sons went to bed at between 8 and 830 until they were in 9th grade and when they got light outside and it was their bed time said I'm sorry but I know what happens and I know what your brain needs and I want you to be successful and you can be upset with me but my role as your mother is you need to get your sleep now I have learned since then that children only glow grow when they're sleeping. And we may have overdone a little bit because our youngest child is. 6 foot 5. And our older 1 is 6 foot 8 so maybe we maybe we gave him too much sleep. Anyway but sleep is important it's just like not letting your kids have anything with caffeine that stunts growth that gets in the way of children sleeping and children have got to get their sleep 1 of the biggest problems in schools today is sleep deprived children they come in to school without having a good 9 to 10 hours of sleep and that you may find that very shocking but all the research that I have come across says children need between $10.12 hours of sleep OK if we back that off to $9.00 to $10.00 that's probably still more than most of them are getting and and research says that for the the hour before they go to bed they shouldn't have any screen time that would be no television no i Pad No cell phone because that disrupts the sleep cycle they're even saying now we need to be careful about when we let children have access to technology my granddaughter would've dove into my purse and gotten out the phone and answered it for me at 2 and a half she knows how to face time I'm not sure I know how to but every time or Uncle Adam calls she can get his picture on her phone on my phone how did you do that. But we have to be careful with the screen time that we let children have we were finding out more and more how careful we need to be and even up to age 12 we need to be super careful about how much you know there's all these really neat games on i Pads and surfaces. We need to be very careful because children are losing their fine motor skills because they're not doing some of the things that we're needing to learn to do and we're learning that because we've seen some of the mistakes that we've made. But we need to get our children the rest they need we need to get them to have breakfast a good breakfast. Limit their sugar intake if it is parents who said kids to school without their breakfast are like starting a race with an empty gas tank that child can't and then they want to know how come their child is failing OK until lunch time they can't think they can't focus they're tired and they're hungry and you need to feed them now me 10 o'clock I believe strongly in breakfast I would have lunch at 10 o'clock if I could because then I I'm fine you know till 6 so I understand hungry in the middle of the morning but we've got to make sure our kids are getting a good breakfast and spread the word on that the number 1 thing you can do for a child to be successful in school is get them a good night's sleep every night consistently including Friday nights since Saturday nights and get them a good breakfast that's going to take away a lot of the problems that you might have them dealing with at school if your child has problems at school those are the 2 main reasons we see. Because they're tired and hungry and they're grumpy when I'm tired and hungry I'm grumpy too and if it was both of us we'd be in bad shape. Children to learn to clean off their desktops whether you're homeschooling or or at school or Sabbath school they can learn to clean things up. And you can they can learn to carry their own books there are many times we have pre-kindergarten or is that the Lansing school and kindergartners and their parents would come in carrying their backpack and I'm thinking what is in a kindergartners backpack that's so heavy their parent needs to carry it and. They would put their coats on for them and the mop and on Sept them and hang up their clothes for the coats for them thinking they're 5 years old or 4 years old how come they're not doing that themselves again are we training helplessness and I do watch parents train their children to be helpless there are children who will come in and because their parents of ours put their coat on and winter coat on taken it all off and hung it up they don't know how to do that when they come to school and they'll say I need help with my coat say OK what do you need help with I need help putting it on Alright well where you stuck I don't know what to do well you can take this arm and put it through that sleeve give it a try 1st time they ever put a coat on by themselves but you're talking through that and then you always have to say why use a coat on the floor so I took it off but where does it go if you have a locker hang it up but if their parents are around that's never done it's always done for them and I've even had 3rd and 4th graders whose parents are still doing that and that's you know they're not going to do it for me I tell the parents you know they can do this without you. We don't do this for our students will help them be successful but we're not going to do it for them. And don't over help with homework this is another place where children learn to be helpless is parents I've had parents in 1st 2nd 3rd grade who do the work for their child now when they get to 6th grade the child couldn't do the work and neither could the parent because the child never had learned to do it mom dad always did it for them and now the vocabulary is changed the requirements are changed and the kid can't do it for themselves because they've never had to listen because Mom was always going to do it for them they have learned to be helpless and that then comes as a really big blow about 6th grade which is where I see where what I've been suspicious of all those years now I see was reality and Mom was doing the homework and now there's too much to do in the child can't do it at school because mom's been doing it all the time. This is for teachers don't give them the answers to the questions help them figure out the answers help them learn how to answer the question for themselves it's so much easier to just tell them the answer then to teach them how to find the answer for themselves this is really I'm so glad I trained them in as this 6 7th 8th graders to find their own answer because as 9th and 10th graders they come to me with questions I don't know the answer to and they'll come and say Ask me a question I go. Let's see how should we approach that answer Oh I have no idea I hope they do and they'll name off 2 or 3 things because they've been trained to do that and all hey why don't you check on bat and and with they really get stuck I'll look it up on my phone. But you know sometimes it's so fun sometimes we come across it in our reading about a musical instrument we've never heard of. I can just pull that up on my phone and show him a picture and play it have it play the song and they can see it being played that's pretty exciting for a teacher who used to have to go to find the encyclopedia look it up and I have no idea how this sounds but now we can so there are some things I'm going to we were just studying something this year on medieval history and we come up with some things that I'm going have no idea what that is let's look that up well I did that a couple times and then we go this is so we don't know what this is what you look it up on your phone for us great I'm teaching but I am teaching them that we don't have to know everything and how can we find it right now looking stuff up on our phones is a pretty rapid way of finding some answers if we come across the word We're not sure of we went through the great controversy with 9th and 10th grade this year reading it aloud for part of our world history class and for that little lady with a 3rd grade education. I'm not sure what some of those words are I have a master's degree and so we come across the word and we're looking at it and I say OK you go on I'm checking this out on my phone and you know you can play it so that the sound and you can hear go oh neat that's what the sort is my students just laugh at me and the 9th and 10th graders are laughing with love and. Evil but there they understand that I might not know everything but the important thing is how can I find the answer or where can I go to to get the answer and we need to help train our children to do that so they're not helpless. We need to not jump tall their demands there is nothing more than a church more unhappy than a child with a want and as a grandparent I want to solve all of their miseries as a parent you want to solve all of their miseries even as a teacher I want to solve all of their miseries and I just can't do it and we need to understand that we are we don't want to teach them to be helpless we want to help them be successful and be able to help care for themselves we also shouldn't have our children make life choices we should be making the life choices I don't want to go to Sabbath school today that's a life choice I'm going to make it I have more more information more skill more knowledge than you do. I don't want to do my math OK that's another life skill that I need to teach you so I took a long division plan because this is this is an easy 1 all of you understand that long division is complicated. Some of us do long division just for fun but I realized we're in a vast minority but 1 of the things we need to do is make sure that a child has a clear understanding of what's expected of them. So if I were to teach them long division I would make sure to give them a diagram. And then I would review the steps maybe that I'm teaching them how to make their bed maybe I'm teaching them how to write their name I'm going to go all over and over those steps I'm going to give them a model that they can follow and that they'll have something to look at before they try to do that on their own but that's let's take it even a step further now I'm going to break down the assignment into into the little parts of it this is the 1st step this is we're going to compare less than or greater than or the same as we're going to then divide we're going to then have to multiply and then subtract and then we're going to compare again and then we're going to bring down we broke every step of a long division problem down into the whole problem was broken into steps we can do that for them for. Break their assignments projects jobs tasks than the steps we can break down how to make a bed into steps we can make down how to clean the room into steps we can even draw a diagram of what a clean room looks like and then leave this if I was teaching long division I would I would cut that out and tape it down to their deaths that they always had it right in front of them and then when I would come to help them I could say. Where is it you're having a problem instead of starting right back at the very beginning. All right. So if you had a problem and and it was the stuff. Was where they were getting stuck their getting stuck up pulling their bedspread up on their bed you're trying to teach them the make your bed they're getting stuck where to put in their social studies book in their desk because that's such a big ungainly book you would back up to the step and right ahead of where they got frustrated review it and then go on to explain what it is they need to do next and then the tough thing is you leave you don't just hover around them and as a mom and a grandmother and a teacher I hover and I got to be careful of that because I have I don't want to create helpless children so if they're stuck mum I can't get my clothes hung up oh OK what's the problem it won't stick on the hanger Well let's give it a try it be so much easier of all let me do this for you honey all done instead of saying this is how we do it this is all look you did it yourself because we want them to have learning mindsets we don't want them to be stuck in a non learning mindset we want them to continue to be learners we can even break down something as simple as how to carry a chair for a kindergartner that this is what it looks like when you carry your chair I think a kindergartner can understand that yes they can and. You do have when you you would think OK we're going to take our chairs to the gym for a special assembly you would think that that would be a very easy come in but no no no you have to go through the steps and you have to go through them over and over and over and over and over and you think what is wrong with these children and then you hear them getting after other people who aren't doing it right OK. They listen they just a learn. And then. Again don't spend lots of time going over what China child needs to do a quick review give them a clue and leave. So parents if if your child doesn't want to eat breakfast and you come over here and you go boom you're halfway through your cereal why you take another bite of cereal that would be really good and then you leave you're not they're going all please honey eat your cereal Oh please please do that for grandmother please know. The same with the kids want you to hover and give them all the time and attention and we don't we don't want to create helpless children we love them too much this is an amazing thing you see it you say you do it and you repeat. You see you show them how to make your bed their bed you say how to make the bed you have them do the making of the bed and then you repeat it and you repeat it and you repeat it but it's important that they see what it is they need to do to say that we give them verbal instructions and that they they do it you know we have people who learn by hearing we have people who learn by seeing and we have people who learn by doing Think about what your greatest strength is I own something if I can do it I'm less likely to learn something if I hear it and I'm OK if I see it we have children who fall into all those categories and if you keep going through the C. Say do steps and repeat them you're going to get success more often but it isn't a loop it's over and over and over and over again just because your child doesn't learn it on the 1st time doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them sometimes I would wonder but it's over and over and over and over and then they catch it and then they don't need you anymore and then you're on to teaching them something else. Let's talk about standing in line this just to give you a clue I was a teacher in service once and the speaker was saying you know some children don't know how to stand in line and I. Got them in my school and asked because we don't teach them I teach them all the time how to stand in line and then he went through the steps of what it is to stand in line. That's my big mistake I am not being clear enough with my instructions now if you're at. A school teacher or. You just you don't let them come down the hall I was still doing this in May with the 5th 6th 7th and 8th graders and part of it is we've had a student teacher the 1st half of the year and so we and I part of it as I didn't have all the time but of the line up and I go through all the while lining up looks like and then we start down the hall and they start talking and I go. And they'd have to go back and it was always somewhere fun like to the computer lab or to our class sort of he saw I do not feel really bad at all about sending him back and said OK I'll wait until you're ready we'll try again because this is what happens when you go through those steps the peer group takes care of it I don't have to scold or rant or rave or do anything because all of their friends are going to cut a painting I want to go to recess I want to go to our art class we're headed for computers how come we're still here they take care of all of that and usually it's just a couple times and you can then go on and have. A good time but we do need to give detail detail directions and walking in line was 1 of the ones where I was not giving enough details I would say line up in a straight line and be quiet Oh no no no we got to be more specific than that. When you stand in line there's no touching anyone I thought that was a given you know if you don't say it they'll do it you need to stand so 1 head is right behind the other when I look down the line I should just see 1 continuous. All I didn't know you know get that kind of reaction from. We're going to walk silently down the hall that would be no talking no whistling no singing just silent silence means your mouth is closed if you're breathing kind of a lot I'm OK with that but just don't let me hear it. And you can't pass any and line you can't walk side by side. And and there shouldn't be any big gaps in the line you need to stay about this far from the person ahead of you not so that they can hear you breathing or you step on their feet. And. Don't touch anything except the hand railing and I. I was teaching 5th and 6th grade at the time and so I thought OK I'm going to come and I said OK let's line up and then I said I realize why we're having such trouble with our life I have not been clear and when I got all done going through those steps it was tough but he ever told us that if only we had no we would have done this like this years ago but I had to do it for the next month before they really caught on. Now we've talked about making the bed because cleaning up the room is an important thing for a child to do and making the bed is the 1st thing they ought to do in the morning because once you've done that you've already done something hard and so you can get on with your day so if we were to make it if we were to make the bed. We want to check make sure the bottoms all tucked in and you talk it through and you have them see you have them do it we want to smooth the top sheet out across the top we want to bring up the developing kits and get all the wrinkles out of it we want to bring up the bedspread and smooth it out we want to bring the bedspread up over the pillow and if I have to do this over and over with their child until they're able to do it for themselves and if they're to you're probably going to keep doing it for awhile cuts or arms aren't long enough but again the spirit prophecy tells us we should be working with our children it does not say we should be working for our children but she does say we should work with our children so. 1 of my jobs of as principal at Lansing was to get there early enough to shovel the sidewalks shovel the driveway and at the end of the day you know Michigan it snows and so I did to shovel out at the end of the day but by the end of the day there were always 2 or 3 boys who would come and take the shovel out of my hand and do it for me because I was out there doing it. And and they knew I wasn't just forcing them to do some I wouldn't do myself even in the morning there was 1 fellow who would show up early some morning saying I thought you might need help with pushing the snow you know what a great kids are those but again it was teaching them what the shoveling look like and and being willing to work with them on that we want to be able to work with our kids on these things. So our roles who's in charge of your house your classroom your Sabbath school program this is really important you need to be the 1 in charge and be very careful because a lot of times we can say things that will hurt us words hurt and they come back and cut our own throat and the best thing that I have found to do is to pray without ceasing. Lord please put the words in my mouth that you want me to say please grant me patience when I need to have patience but persistence when I need to have persistence. Please help help me to only say and do the right things and I'm still going to make mistakes and you know when you apologize to the students they understand and again you're going with that relationship roles routines and relationships the stronger your relationship is with the child the more they're going to be forgiving you your mistakes and all of us are going to make mistakes but if we have that strong relationship if they truly believe that we have their best interests in mind then when we make those mistakes they're forgiving they're very forgiving I don't want to have to negatives all the time I hate Nagin children. This is Evelyn. She goes to visit her 91 year old great grandfather once a week and has lunch with him maybe because she always gets hot chocolate those days of which she guards carefully which is why she is looking over her cup. Making sure grandmother does not take her hot chocolate away and then pursues Sisler into raise himself up but I want to Navy's kids I want to make sure I as a teacher I don't want to be the 1 negative them as a parent oh I want to neg them to do things I expect them to obey and they know that expectation for instance when I come into the classroom I'll say OK I need your desk cleared off all good you clear off your desk and look at you in all your sitting so nicely again giving instructions as to what it looks like the way I want it when I come in I want you to have your pencil and paper on your desk and I want to be able to start and I can come in and say all right. Most of the kids that will work perfectly you do have some attention deficit disorder children who have no idea what you're talking about and you have to give them a little extra help it truly is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Some some children are help through medication to get that chemistry back in balance I used to say never I never want to give kids drugs and then the more research that's been done on it and the more understanding we get onto it 1 parent did put it off for years and finally took the child to the doctor and said I think they might have A.D.D. and they gave them a mild dose of something and the child said Mom the noise is gone finally for years this child had been battling some kind of noise in their brain. So that they couldn't hear and they couldn't concentrate and they couldn't focus and that 1 drug shut the noise off and oh I didn't hear the teacher saying oh I can concentrate that child look from St C's to straight A's. And so now I'm not so don't do drugs trying do it naturally there is chemical imbalances you do need to get to the doctor and find out and if 1 thing doesn't work there's about 20 different things try something that does but don't give up on your kids if that happens and we don't know what happens it's not bad parenting it's not bad teaching it's not bad genetics it just happens to some kids. And we're blessed that we know more and more what we can do so avoid. Reinforcing helplessness I think about how you want your class your home your program to function look at your classroom your child's bedroom or Sabbath school room and the layout of them. Let me tell you this classroom in here absolute worst teaching layout possible this would my classroom would never look like this I'm sure it looks like this for CAN'T me I'm hoping it doesn't look like this for school but we need to be looking at how does our relationship with people and I can't even get to you you're clear over there and and if you were being a problem in the far back corner I couldn't get to you and the best classroom management and the best parenting is by proximity I mean this group had no problems in the front row whatsoever but man it's kind of hard to get all the way back here and you guys have fantastic you know I always would love to import you but what I have to do to try and answer your question or get to you. Sometimes we set up our classrooms like that sometimes we set up the kids bedroom in a way that's not going to function well for them being able to keep it clean we need to look at it and say OK what are my priorities what do I need to see is there bed in such a way that they're not going to be distracted do I have too much stuff on the wall that's going to keep them up at night I just love to put stuff all over the walls I just you know this is wonderful I see all these neat pictures up here but for a child is that going to be too distracting What are you going to have in the room are all their toys just sitting by their bed all that's going to be really subtract distracting at bedtime when you can imagine all the things you want to play with and in our Sabbath school rooms we need to be careful how we set them up because I've visited a lot of Sabbath school rooms and. You know chill Sabbath schools do not get the best rooms in the building they frequently have some column in the middle of it so then you know if you have a kid who is on the backside of the column they can't see what they really think it is you can't see them and then they're doing all kinds of stuff they shouldn't be doing so you've got to set up away from that some sadness cool rooms have windows and I see them set up facing the windows well that's going to be very helpful to them focusing on you and there are several school classrooms that set up towards the door so everybody coming in and out that's that's where their focus is so if this was my classroom all of this would be on that back wall because that's where all the distractions aren't and then anybody coming in late to class doesn't disrupt my entire class by you know well I'm here or you know aren't you lucky but. Let's just take some of this concept real quick in their Lex couple minutes. You can see that if I was right here helping her the person on the far side of the room could be doing whatever they wanted and I'm helping her and can't see what's going on over there and. Just a horrible room arrangement because that puts me a long walk to get to whatever problem might be going over in the far corner. This is a much better room arrangement and what we're looking for is is setting up tracks through the room because going that route I can get to everybody I can I can just keep going around and around and I can talk to everybody through the whole class and answer questions if I need to do that now when I was in China and teaching teachers last July I showed him that the room was set up like this and I said OK we're going to change it we're going to set it up like that and so for the next 2 weeks that's how I taught I was able to walk around even though everything was through a translator in China they have to learn how to speak they take English in school English was taught and so I could always tell who could understand some English because they would laugh before the translation of the joke. And I could there were there were 2 boys I knew that that they were problems in school now their teachers but I knew that I needed to stand somewhere over close to those 2 young men otherwise they would be goofing off even as teachers can you believe it and so I ask them you know. The closer you are to the student the less likely they are I don't have to do anything all you have to do is get within 6 feet of them and they straighten up it's that whole proximity so in Sabbath school same thing proximity set up your status cools without distractions and then where can you get to somebody. Easily like in early teens we would only have 1 role because when we had 2 rows the 2nd row would distract the 1st row you know in juniors we would always move them they would say that you know in a semi-circle But then we always move them to table for a Bible study even if it meant you know we move out the chairs we move in the table we move back the chairs just have some to put their bible on to put their quarterly on so that we could study so think about how you would want to set up your room because that's going to be very important to your success how how might we consider arranging a child's classroom. What might we do to set up the room keep in mind your role you're the leader you're the teacher you're the parent routines are very important it's good for you to be able to get into those routine Sabbath school routines bedtime routines getting up routines and it's important for you as Sabbath school teachers to always be there early to have your room ready to go ahead of time. Because what you're doing as the children come in is building a relationship with them not scrambling to get everything ready and that can be a challenge and maybe you have to stay after church on Sabbath to rearrange the room so it's ready to go for you the next week. I've never been in the church that left my classroom alone so I was getting there early in the morning so that I can make sure it's ready but we have 1 goal that we have and that's creating childhoods with Jesus and we want our boys and girls to be focused heavenward whether they're at school home at church but if we're all working together and keeping our focus there the Lord is going to lead us the Lord's going to put things in our mind that Lord's going to send somebody to give us that 1 thing of all I need to be more specific and telling my students how to line up a life changing moment for me and for them so I'm hoping that you got least 1 thing out of our time together today and that your life is going to be better I'm going to go ahead and have a closing prayer and then we have a couple minutes if you want to have some questions Jesus we thank you so much for your time with us for your caring for us for letting us be your children and as we go forward into the day into our lives Lord please put in our hearts and minds what will lead others towards you in your name Amen. 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