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Love, Lust, Lies

Kezia Chisholm

Presenter

Kezia Chisholm

Growing up in an unconventional environment, Kezia Chisholm turned to many vices for comfort. For several years, she worked with a top Construction Management company, until God redirected her plans. Currently serving as an Associate Speaker with Coming Out Ministries, she appreciates every opportunity to travel and share how wonderful God is. In her spare time, she enjoys spending time in nature, working out and building her home decor business, ke’mades.

Recorded

  • April 13, 2019
    3:00 PM
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My name is Keith and I will be sharing with you my testimony which is entitled Love Lust and lies. I grew up in Brooklyn New York the only child to my parents and I grew up in a 2 family household and my mother she is Filipino and also from a young age I ready knew there was a difference between. How I looked and how she looked so when I was younger I always used to pray Lord make me yellow because I knew that my mother was a woman and me being a girl I just thought that I should have looked like her and also realizing the differences in our hair texture her hair was straight mine trapping purposes but just noticing there was a difference in our here so just having that constant struggle with being rather content with who I was. My father she is knees and also he was always instilling in and me from a young age education so whenever it came to doing homework he was the one always checking my home or doing my math whatever it was the tutoring he was the one always there. My parents they were married for about 17 years and from a young age I knew that there was a lot of a difference going on in the household because there was a lot of arguing going on so by the time I was age 5 I ended up having my 1st encounter with another girl and this was in my preschool preschool 1st grade and for me that just started the journey with my sexual encounters. My grandparents they came to live with us for a few years when I was younger but any time or rather when they moved out from where we were living in Brooklyn and they had moved to Washington State I had noticed a vast difference in how they operated so when it came to the weekends expression one sabbaths came about I noticed that they would go to church they would have you know have popped lock they would. No habla like their nature walks so they were just really more in the commerce spirit which is praying and asking God for guidance I would always remember vividly growing up just seeing them when it came to the morning time in the evening time they would always kneel down to pray and to me that always stuck with me because I had said to myself why is it that with my parents I didn't do that. By the age of 9 I ended up having my. Second encounter a 2nd sexual encounter and this was with a group of girls kind of like orgies styles so to me that just kind of brought about my idea of what sexuality is supposed to be which is with girls and or like orgies sidled. By the age of 12 my parents end up divorcing and this just brought about a lot of arguing and with that going about I know my mother she was very distraught with what was going on and her being angry because she was internalizing a lot of the things that were going on she also at the same time with internalizing her anger not necessarily getting help she had also put that I anger on me and with that I just kind of brought about a lot of frustration with me that had me acting out externally. My father when he ended up leaving he just left a Brett Lee abruptly and from that point on our connection our communication just kind of became stagnant at that point. So eventually it just became a mother and I and our relationship ended up becoming a bit shaky because you know like I had mentioned from my earlier days a lot of my Or rather who I thought I was or who I saw myself to be she did not look like that so there was always this constant arguing we had going on frustrations and sometimes she just let her anger out on me so throughout the years it just brought about a lot of defiance within the household because I didn't really know how to. Speak to her in a manner where she was loving to me I know as a as a young person she definitely did her best in trying to raise me by her own but at the same time it was a lot on her. By the time high school came about I ended up losing my virginity and the crazy thing about it was even though sometimes when I was younger we would go to church sometimes just you know if we had time. I was baptized in the beginning of the year and then by the end of the year I ended up losing my virginity so to me it wasn't really nothing when it came to God because you know how sometimes there are Bible workers who are so pressed for numbers and they don't really take the time out to say OK do you even know God So that's what ends up happening was just more cell phone numbers thing that went about so this just began my journey of really just internalizing my frustrations my anger is so I just went about being fairly promiscuous with guys as well as women I ended up being very depressed and suicidal as well and I remember I used to try to kill myself I've used like take the pillows and try to suffocate myself but it didn't really work so I praise God for that but it was definitely a hard process I also began partying and then drinking the smoking aspect and eventually I got arrested I was shoplifting so I had done that several times but just to show you like the manner of a person or rather teenager I was just so angry and I didn't really know how to tell anybody about that but at the same time I just continued in that behavior behavior because I was just I figured that any type of love was better than no love and even if that meant that love had hurt had hurt I was just like well it's something better than what I was getting at home. Eventually. With in high school the girls on the girls on the left side they actually were Adventists I didn't even know they were Adventists. I was in Pathfinders because the. My mom you know just put me into something for me to do and I just kind of took it as well it's another extracurricular activity I grew up with playing a lot of musical instruments so I was always an activity going on and so I just start right when it comes to Pathfinders is just another extracurricular activity so I remember in one camp meeting because at school I had my jewelry on and all of that when I've been went to. Pathfinder camp or I was like oh you want us to like I mean we know and on top of that was because I used to curse a lot too and I used to like lots of big games that I didn't even think I was Adventist but like yes I am. Quote unquote. Eventually I ended up going to college which was a miracle in and of itself because like I had shared through my nature of just being very defiant I had applied to 20 plus colleges and I did not get in and I really didn't care the goal was just to get away from home and thankfully I did get away from home and so this goes to show you like how much research I did not do because my goal was all right when I go to college I'll do like music all major in music because like middle school and high school I did like the orchestra so I figured you know what college come the music major I get up to the campus they didn't even how music major and I was like. The 2nd option I was like All right we'll do interior design so that was possible and also I was like I'll join the swim team because I was a little kid I used to swim so I figured you know what maybe I could join you lympics that was my plan so I said you know what I'll join the swim team and I'll just do interior design so I had did that as well as I had just continued on my defiant behavior and just continuing in that process and just thinking that eventually why I didn't really think anything would change per se but I knew from before like expressions like my teenage years and not really knowing God Personally I always had looked at him as a genie so. I member whenever I would having sex afterwards I would say Lord just make sure I don't get pregnant or have any so that was always my thought process it wasn't more so of we should stop this because it's wrong because I was not taught that what I was taught was just wear a condom it was never don't have sex it was just wear a condom so not saying I did that all the time but by God's mercy he's still you know he still sought me out by the following year I think it was the middle of my freshman year and software year I ended up going home and you know like a summer break and. The goal was for me to get high so I had reached out to one of my guy friends just tell me I just want to get high and smoke and then we did that but we were so high we ended up having sex so I was just so distraught because I was just like this was not the plan the plan was just to get high that's it but because we were just so high we had sex and then by the following day because I had to go to work I want to work and where I was at that time as a lifeguard it was a Sunday and nobody really came to the pools on Sunday so I took it as a perfect opportunity to sleep because I was like I didn't sleep the night before I'm asleep right now so I was crying because I was just so disappointed in myself because like I had said my goal was just to smoke that was it so I ended up falling asleep and I was I was falling asleep I ended up having a dream and in that dream I saw myself getting rebaptized So of course I woke up distraught and I remember just singing God is the joy and the strength of my life he removes all pain misery and stripe so at that point in waking up I was I was confused because I was like I'm not I'm not trying to see God right now I don't I don't understand what's going on but the beauty of it is to see that but God commanded his love towards us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us Romans 5 so that began a journey for me to see that OK there was someone chasing after me because clearly in that baptism I don't know what was going on but the image I couldn't deny what was happening. So eventually I started to get my life together somewhat by God's grace another girl within my campus she was actually advances so I always like when I remember freshman year she always like when it when it was Friday night she always made sure like to not party she went to her homework or anything but for me I was like I was out partying when I was Saturdays I had swim meets I don't really care but for her I always noticed like she was she seemed kind of serious about this so that began our. Our walk as a as a friends but to be much more closer in Christ. And then as I began getting serious of Christ I've been also became a bit more active within the church and eventually I did end up getting rebaptized and the crazy part about it was from the time I have the dream and the time I actually did get back ties it was about a 3 year difference and the same way I saw myself getting baptized was the same way I had and vision myself 3 years prior so of course it was just like who what's going on I mean also because I never really went to that church before so just to see how everything had worked out to see how God was really making himself clear and just making it known that I do love you. Eventually I did go to Costa Rica and I was just participating in a woman's conference and there I heard one girl mention how she had struggled with pornography in masturbation and in my head I was like oh I didn't do I don't really say anything because I don't really think it was like that bad bad because it wasn't really something I heard a lot of people talking about but through her testimony I knew I was scheduled in the afternoon to just briefly share my testimony about 510 minutes so as I was sharing my testimony I then had shared also how I too had struggled with pornography masturbation so I was under the impression that as long as I share my testimony about whom I'm good like. You know I don't have any work because you know how in Revelation the talks about we overcome by the blood of the Lamb the word of our testimony so I was under the impression that I say my cousin lonely and I'm going to yeah that didn't happen so you know I went back to New York. And the relationship I was in it ended up and being so clearly got I'm just trying to make it known that Kuzio even the relationship you're in needs to end if you if you're really trying to get serious with me. We are prone to look to our fellow men to 1st sympathy and uplifting instead of looking to Jesus. In his mercy and faithfulness God often permits those in whom we place confidence to fail us and only that way in order that we may learn the folly of trusting man and making flesh our arm let us trust fully humbly unselfishly and God So at that point I was seeing that I had put so much trust in this person and God made it clear that this man was not going to help me this man was not going to save me so I began a process where I was like oh right Lord what are we going to do so college I had thankfully by God's grace graduated college and then I started to work for a company called Turner construction and this was one of our 1st projects that we had completed and at this point once the relationship had ended I was like he's you know we still have to be proactive in how we're going to move forward in life because you know sometimes when a relationship and you put so much value in that and then when that that structure then and because in my head I kind of saw it as a building so when I had built this structure of OK we're going to get married and guys like you know. What's my life is just like demolished so crazy enough the project I was working on there was another project going on in that building there were also demolishing it so as I would walk to work every day I was like a physical manifestation what of what I was physically going through some god which is reminding me like you know I'm going to demolish everything you thought was your going to be your life and think you know throughout these past years God has God has definitely been rebuilding you know. The Lord is disappointed when his people place a little self-esteem upon themselves he desires his chosen heritage to value themselves according to the price he has placed upon them at that moment when I had 1st read this quote I had saw that how I didn't really value myself because of course God He places such a high value upon it and sometimes we choose anything so that we just get some sort of love but I was saying that because of Christ coming down and dying for me. Being that he had loved me so dearly and. God wanted them else he would not have sent His Son on such an expensive to redeem them he has a use for them and as well pleased when they make the very highest demands upon him that they may glorify his name they may expect large things if they have faith in His promises so after that relationship had ended it came to a point where it was like Lord what are we going to do because when you play such a high value on something that ends up ending you just become there comes a point where I was realizing I was questioning my existence and that it just brought back a lot of suicidal thoughts and it just so happened to be that I was listening to Doug bachelor and he had mentioned if anyone's feeling suicidal. Think of your think if your life got better in the next year so I was like oh accuser What if your life just got better in the next year like what if you just progressed one more year and I said if anything if it goes horrible I could just kill myself like that in my that's what I had in my head so I was like a right Kuzio make it the goal to continually improve the Lord has given man capacity for continual improvement the company I had worked for a surprisingly their motto was also continual improvement so for them they had stressed heavily upon we are the best we're number one so they were in a certain environment where they were always stressing like we are the best we do but we do very well just being a Vironment surrounded by high performers that had me question my own walk with God and saying if I'm doing so well for a man why is it that in my own walk with God It's crappy. So I began adjourning after the relationship had ended I was just trying to rebuild myself and at that point I was seeing that you know I also have to come off of my steroids or cream so I have eggs I'm a and throughout the years I've always just been taking the steroidal creams but it wasn't necessarily the healthiest for me because it also internally there are some side effects that are not necessarily seen externally So with that I said you know what Lord I do want to go on this holistic journey with you and going you know as as clean as possible and with that I realize one of the places where I do the best is in warmer climates so at this time I was still living in New York and I said you know what Lord would be best if I could move summer warmer so I had reached out to the company I was working with and I had X. hey you know can you relocate me and there were just like you know you've only been at the company for 11 months so I was just like OK so what's the policy and they said it's 3 years so in my head I'm just like. I'm not even there yet but thankfully God had worked it out and I said Lord if it's in your will please move me. Out of New York for my skin but also because after the relationship had ended I was going back to my old lifestyle and having multiple people within a week and I was just coming to a point of frustration with my own self and think he's there why can't you control yourself. So I was like Lord please help me to get out of New York because I need to do better I know I was sensing like it was wrong but at the same time it is who I am and it's who I run to when I'm frustrated. The earth is the Lord's and the fullness there of the world and they that dwelling so I had trusted that since this was God's world that he would surely provide for me and speaking to my the company I was working for so thankfully through God's grace they had allowed me to relocate even with an 11 months so I had moved to Florida which was definitely warmer in those nice and slow there. By God's grace I was able to purchase a home and it was so crazy because I had fasted and prayed for this home and. Surely. I had fasted and prayed for the home and I remember when I finally got the home this was and within like 6 months of being of having the home I was like All right Lord will have the home but I also need to bless the home so by God's grace I was able to get home blessed but then at the same time I was still you know having the pornography to masturbation and in my head my theory was well if I don't have Wi-Fi then I can't really watch it on my computer but I watch it on my phone so it's not as bad but it was still bad but in my head I'm just trying to justify it and saying well it's not as on a big screen but the crazy part is with even trying to you know get the house blessed in my head I'm like well I don't want to evil spirits coming in the household you know I look like I want to rob me and all that but at the same time like the things I was doing in the household and also there were like expression living in Florida I had passed so many strip clubs and I was just like you know I got to go and I was like you don't go so there was like a constant battle going on and even when it came to like the sex clubs I was like I want to go to the sex clubs but it was just like a constant battling going on I member the only thing that had stopped me from going to the strip clubs was that on my car I had a license plate that said the 7th day of the Lord Sabbath so my head I was like if I go in the parking lot and somebody see. It's like who. Is this person but in my head I was just like like like just wait on the red light and go don't you know just keep focus but it was it was such a constant battle going on internally. If you indulge in vain vain images permitting your mind to do well upon impure subjects you are in a degree as guilty before God as if your thoughts were carried into action all that prevents the action is the lack of opportunity the gotta know. What I was trying to do I'm expression having this home to myself and knowing that when I was a teenager I always had the right when I have my own place on the have all these people over when happiness or doesn't do all these things and at the same time there was this wrestling going on and even when I had much in the strip clubs like going to the all these places it was a constant battle. But at the same time I was like Lord even when it came to like the pornography in the masturbation I was just like well at least let me hold on to this because if I'm going to stop having sex quote unquote and wait till a godly marriage at least I have something to hold on to. Eventually one of the things I had such as myself when the relationship had ended years prior I was like Lord I want to go on mission trips so by God's grace I was able to go to Cuba Mike. So Cuba was it was such a beautiful experience and. I went 2 years in a row and the 1st year there were lots of people they had lots of stories and I was like wow that's so amazing there are personal stories with God and the 2nd year following up in my head it didn't really crossed my mind that God was just so interested in my own story so every morning we had our morning devotions around 6 37 o'clock in the morning and then you know they were very very honest with their past a journey with God and that was we're going to homosexuality coming out of that lifestyle the. Unagi the masturbation so to me personally as I was sitting there every morning I was just like we want to talk about this early morning like it is summer to early but at the same time my heart was beating fast because I was a few but you don't want to listen and it was a it was a daily thing so it came to a point because I knew I had to leave a few days earlier than everyone else the 1st week when the 1st week had ended by Sabbath I said All right let me at least talk to Danielle so I had spoke to her I had told her what was going on I remember I was crying because I was just like how I'm to have to wait to have sex like how I was joining in to be late What are we talking about so there was that frustration in knowing that I have to wait and failing to realize at the same party I got extended to my friend and you know that he's able to also extend out on to me. God does not now except a tame spiritless testimony from his ministers such a testimony would not be present truth the message for this time must be me and do season to feed the Church of God but say in has been seeking to gradually to rob this message of its power that the people may not be prepared to stand in the day of the Lord. So like I had mentioned Sabbath I spoke with Danielle and sharing her with my frustrations by Tuesday I remember Mike he had shared how. He had gone to pornography and masterbation any time he was filmed like lonely angry or tired or like Boortz I remember I had my sunglasses on because we were devotions like early in the morning right by the beach so I started to tear up because I was like that's me too but I didn't know anybody else was dealing with that so because of his honesty and his transparency and him just being in a sense free and sharing his testimony Keizer you have an issue and at the same time somebody else he had also shared how anytime we hold on to a particular sin God is not able to bless us because that sin is taking up that place so to me I mean I was accusing you know you want to godly marriage but how in the world are you trying to have a godly marriage if your game plan is to hold on to the pornography in the masturbation so I just began quietly I began this began a point where sort of I got how are we going to do this because I was so shaky God was just like all right you're not sure I'll help you figure it out so that was Tuesday Mike had shared what he had said and I was just tearing up quietly by ones they just so happen to be that there were 2 other people to Cuban's locos they had shared how they were they were possessed by demons so in my head I'm just like you know there's a lot of other people here where you come to me about being possessed by demons but God was just trying to really make it known that he's a you have demons that you also need to work on and one person in particular she had made it clear because I had X. I was like All right do you want to pray for you and she was just like yeah pray for us so I was like oh it will pray so she sat down and I had an out and I remember I had kneeled down and my eyes were closed but in my head I'm like he's a hard you trying to cast out demons when you love these demons so much and it just came to a point rushes like your focus focus on the scripture but I can't really focus because I love these emotions and then at the same time when we had finished the prayer I had opened my eyes she had never close her eyes and her eyes were just like she didn't even blink I mean it was just kind of like that knowing the interaction of demons going on so quietly it was just like. Are you really going to let this go or not but at the same time at the same time I'm still trying to figure out am I really going to let this go and by Thursday I had to share. In the evening time the sanctuary message and as you go through that process you see how God's goal is just to restore you to His image so for me coming from a construction background I was like God has built a structure specifically for you and for me coming from construction I knew that when we had our owners there like our I want to build this I want to do that it's because they have the money and they want to take their time and you know their energy and building something for themselves like God is making it clear that he has created something for you to help you in this journey. So by God's grace I was like Oh right I was now seeing that victory over sin was possible through everything that was going on and God making. You can let this go but you just have to trust me I can do all things through Christ which to me the Lord God Behold thou hast made the heavens and the earth by thy great power and stretched our arm and there was nothing to hide for the. So after Cuba I want back to Florida and it just so happened to be that Mike also had to go to Florida so remember I was talking like internally I wasn't sure if I was really really going to let go of this so God even made it known to me like I'm going to help you and allow you to even have a follow up so we spent the day with Mike. So we've got a whole day to talking and at the same time while we were talking I also had twists in my hair and I don't know at that time like with here Silas but in my head I'll say what is this like I'm going to my head because he was like you know I help you and I was like what. Because in my head I was like 1st and foremost I was trying to avoid having to take the time to talk about my struggle because now it's like knowing that I have to talk about it I'm being brought to another level of accountability but with him saying like yeah I'll help you I'm great I was just like. I can't run now. OK maybe but at the same time even while we were talking I was still defensive I was like well what's the issue and you know what he really knows is just me and God It's not a big deal but that was just a personal thing between God and I must confess your faults once another and pray for one another that he may be healed so thankfully through the process I have been seeing my concluding other people praying for me on this journey. Christ revealed Himself to you and deep impressions were made as the Holy Spirit moved upon your hearts but you pursued a course by which you lost the sacred impressions and fail to maintain the victory maintain the victory so after that experience in Cuba I was now saying that it was important for me to maintain the victory and not necessarily just say OK I'm going to share my testimony that's it but I was now seeing like there was a lot of work I had to do because this was my life saw this is who I was this is who I ran to when I was a lot like you know tired and reboard whatever it was this is what I ran to. It was not the easiest journey at all this was really this is really me like the 1st few months because it was just like me realizing like you know this is how I go to sleep I go to sleep watching pornography masturbation so it's a different story want to care I'm going to be you know by a friend's house for a weekend it's all right fine I want to do it but not to say we're not going to this for the rest of my life I'm like you know what not even a marriage like so what am I supposed to do now so I was now realizing that I had to become as little children and make God my entire dependence and that was just so hard I remember one of the evenings. Because it came to a point where I was going to bed like 34 o'clock in the morning because I was just like one of my supposed to do. And I remember I was crying and God was just like am I not everything to you and I was like No I just want to watch porn that's all I want to do right now. Whereby are given on to us exceeding great and precious promises so by word have I hid in that heart that I might not sin against the Psalms 1911 that by these you might be partakers of the divine nature having escaped the corruption that is in the world through less so I was now beginning to see how important it was for me to have a one on one of the nation ship with God beforehand I really don't know what I have got but at this time I was not on accusing the need to really. Pressed into guy you need to know his words you need to know who you are from what he sees you. So this began a journey where I was like a right let me be begin a journey with him and get serious with him fully also use you full US at this point I was saying that I didn't really flee you follow us that's why I was having such an issue from my teenage years I did what I did and now coming to an age where I was just like Wait we're not supposed to do this there was frustration going on because I was like Oh right one of my supposed to run to this is who I am but follow righteousness. And faith charity peace with them back on the Lord out of a pure heart so I was now seeing that there was a direction I had to switch and to switch from constantly fully going to the loss and now go towards a different direction and being how to hire accountability. One of that I have noticed that at my job site so this is one of the projects we had and normally we would have our safety meetings at 7 in the morning and this is where all the crews all the tradesmen would come out and we would just come do like a brief walkthrough of any issues whatever so with one of that I was seeing that what I normally tend to do was I would look at the men's sides if you understand I'm saying great if you don't you don't have to worry about that so I would look at the signs are just out of curiosity I was like why not nobody knows so I was eventually seen like as I was getting serious with God that I had to stop that I made a covenant with my eyes why then think upon a maid so even the same thing like at the job sites I have to stop that even at what he called it at the stoplights like you want a female passes my cue to look like look somewhere else like even on the job sites like You see if you look at the rock you can look at the trailer you look at the cloud that there is so many other things to look at objectifying a human being. Honor thy father. Eventually as I was on this journey I think for about 5 or 6 months I knew my dad had some health issues going on so because I have the home and I specifically bought the home you know with several like additional rooms I'm like well dad would come by me live by me ill be fine so and that's what he did and it was such a blessing to have him because i like we were able to now catch up on what we lost throughout the years but at the same time I was realizing that there were some concerns I had as to why he left so there was constant questions and. Not arguments but discussions we had where I was just like you know why did you divorce like why did you leave why did you not think you could have just stayed and just worked it out so there was frustration going on but at the same time he was also making clear to me that I did have some mental issues and he was like you need to go see if I can and I was like I don't need to do that. But I am back in counseling so. I like that you got a point there. By really recognizing what I have to forgive him and that was the hardest thing to do so it began a journey but I was really happy to have him there and also at the same time I was reading this book called Youth are you preparing for your divorce and as I was reading that book it was showing me that because my parents divorced I have now a higher chance of getting a divorce so there was that level of frustration because I'm like I can't even change how I came from like this is who I am so when mice with you now so realizing that it is a blessing that I did not get married but of course years back I could not have said that but as you know God has been working things out I was seeing that it was truly a blessing. Eventually have the opportunity to go to G. Y.C. and one of the speakers Chris Hall and he had shared such a powerful testimony that really spoke to me because though my dad was mentioning that I should go you know I should go see a psychiatry is he was all he had also X. and he was like How long have you been a Christian not because he's not Christian he's not practicing and I was just like you know about 8 years or so and he was like You're still the same so mad I was like you know you got a point there because like I trust before with the company I was with we had stressed continual improvement so for me it was like he's a why is it that in your walk with God You're still the same why is it that you're saying that you serve the God of this universe about the same time it seems like his creative power is not active in your own life. My dad told me that all was going to end and with that it brought in and control downward spiral I became angry unhealthy angry I turned to other things all kinds of things and each of them left me more empty than I felt before I did them each of them actually making me more angry after their momentary doubling of the pain I was so angry at so many things I remember one Holland where sharing that I was seeing how I was actually angry as well so God was making it clear that because I was angry from the divorce that I was going to these certain things as an outlet rather than actually taking the time and getting help from Mary. Why didn't she let go of the brick because I just wanted to get to the top many of us are striving for a mountaintop experience while we're hanging on to the brick we can't get to the top and no matter what we do no matter how hard we kick we keep having the same issue over and over again all Jesus is saying to you is I want you to rise but in order to rise you must die and in order to die you must let go of the brick. Hollin had mentioned how he was at a like a teenager a tree and the kids they had to do some sort of a swimming activity that was going on and with that the kids acts like get a brick from the bottom of the pool and then bring it to the top as Holland was sharing this experience I knew that you're a swimmer like you know what it means to have the brick and try to kick to the top the only way you're going to get to the top is to let go of the brick so at this time I was still like you have to let go of the brick like any time I was acting on the pornography the masturbation it was because I was so frustrated from when I was 12 so now that I was now older there was a level of accountability act to be taken account for. By the following day because this was Friday evening when Holland had shared his his sermon by Sabbath afternoon we have like United prayer. And I don't know if you guys know gem but gem who leaves out united prayer he had said because the United prayer it's divided into 4 sections and of the 4 sections they make it like the 1st section I think is I think skimming the 2nd session part is a confession I don't remember the 3rd and 4th part but in the 1st session part was like we're going to think God for the bad experiences so in my head I'm like I'm not a voice like this is not I'm God I'm not doing that but the crazy part is as he began like you do the united prayer there were 2 people that really stood out to me and one person he had said Lord I thank you so much that both my parents died because I found you and in my head I was like you have both your parents yes they may not have done the right things but they were still there another person she has said Lord I thank you for the rape and I was. I don't know if I could say THANK YOU who is. But God was really working to my heart and distinct thanked me for the divorce. So eventually through that that session that part I was like Lord thank you for the divorce and that was something I knew I would from before hand I was like Lord I'm never thanking you for this because it just broke me so much but to see how even at that moment when I had confessed that I just began to cry and thankfully one of my friends she was right by me to console me and everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ concerning you so through that process with the United prayer are we seeing that there was still value in being able to praise God for what had gone on throughout my life. This was one of my. Outlets carpentry so when I was in Florida it was a little bit easier for me to participate in Habitat for Humanity because I was a cruel leader there so with the company I was with we had volunteered one of the days to do it roofing so this was like some another way for me to just release instead of just going into someone's bed. So we get home from meaningless frustrating jobs and we turn to porn because it gives us a sense of control and importance part of our process of finding porn in our life needs to be the honest sense of accomplishment from hard work. When I originally had read this quote I was seeing that I genuinely was not happy at work I knew I was in the right field but when I was serving the wrong audience so I was happy with what I was doing but I was like he's you know why don't you go back to school. So one of the reasons I knew it like I was just kind of hesitant with going back to school was because I had education so much with Dad so because dad left out with my goats when it came like home or tutoring whatever it was when it came to school I just became very careless because I was like well dad left it doesn't matter at this point but I was saying that it was important for me to at least better my craft remember why she mentioned something along the lines of like mastering your craft so I was just saying that it was really important for me to just do better all smelling. By my birthday last year actually I was like a little art I want to go on a higher level with you I was like Lord my prayer my aim is higher ground 1000 good Lord why don't we do a hot air balloon so we're I was in Florida thankfully in that town there was like a hot air balloon so it was such a beautiful experience because I was seeing in such a tangible way what Christ means by letting go of the things of the past in order to reach to higher levels when we were about to board the I don't know what you call the basket our pilot he kept saying OK no bags in the plane you got it you got to you gotta leave in the car or wherever else so in my head I'm like you know it's just a bad leg is not a big deal but he kept repeating it no bags on the basket we have to go up higher any additional weight is going to prevent you from really getting up on high so by the time we finally got up higher the The View was just so breathtaking that the path of the panoramic view just the clouds the beauty the calmness and I was like whew this is what God is trying to do for you to let go of what you've been holding on to all the resentment the unforgiveness the anger the bitterness Let It Go Forgive your mother forgive your father because even eventually I did have an opportunity where I did write a letter to my mother because I was so frustrated with her too and realizing that it is definitely a journey with having to forgive and to understand the at the end of day if I am trying to see Christ in even how Jack Jackson had mentioned I Godliness is our reward like what we're seeking towards our hard goal then there are certain things I have to do. Eventually I did end up leaving the company I was with and I had the opportunity to go to Tennessee with meat ministries at a lifestyle center and I had specifically went there for my skin for my argument to go to detox and a friend of mine had suggested that I would go to meet someone I'll try it out you know I'm all for the detox and I do need the holistic cleanse aspect but when I got there and was seeing like the journey we had to go on for those next 10 days I didn't know that like the 1st 5 days it was just like juicing just cleanse and just you know just drinks and you know how does when you're fasting with God like you become so much like Special your mind is more you're much more clear a level so at that point though I want this specifically for my my eggs my issues I was now seeing that God was bringing like certain issues that I had going on and one of the evenings I remember I had broke down to one of my my counsel that my therapist and she had made it clear she's like you say you don't know what love is like that's why you keep going out to all these things because you're trying to find it and failing to realize that only God can see part of that love to you one of the assignments I had to do was. Writing a list down of everyone that had pained me and I was just I want to do that like why would I revisit every pain like what healing with that brain and they were just making it clear like if you're if you don't want to repeat the mistakes you have to review where you came from so I was never right but it took me a couple of days to like actually do it but whatever your exact these and trials spread out your case before the Lord the weaker and more helpless you know yourself to be so. When I had that list I was seeing there was a common thread and that was me having abandonment issues like any time I was going to somebody or whatever it was and I noticed that I was feeling heartbroken it left me with the feeling abandoned and not feeling loved the 2nd one was I had believed that I was ugly growing up because of my eggs and. My mom. And that was more so because like any time had flared out so constantly in my mind when my skin broke out especially when I was a meat my skin was flaring up because now my body just naturally talk sing so I remember specifically I wouldn't even look in the mirror I was like wash my hands and I'll leave but I have to realize like like if you're trying to get a holistic healing you have to address everything. The stronger you will become in his strength the heavier your burdens the more blessed of the rest and casting them a parting upon your burden bearer so I was not realizing that as I was carrying my concerns to God that his thoughts is what defines me my Banham in issues of fusions one for as he has chosen us in him before the foundations of the world so I was seeing that I even though I may have felt neglected but I still had someone who was not choosing the even before the foundations of the world and when it came to me feeling ugly in Joe 421415 it just so happen to be that my dad even though he's not necessarily active in church he had picked my name from the Book of Job and it says keys in all the land were no woman found so fair as the daughters of job so fair regard meaning like beautiful sounds like the Lord you and it wasn't even like on a copy level but just realizing like who God has made me to be and allow him to now. Bring a clarity as to who I was. Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God So through that process I was seeing that there are a lot of things I have to let go of and like I had to mention the resentment issues and just realizing that if I was ever trying to make it to heaven if I had if I was 99 percent good but yeah I saw one had one percent of resentment there was no way I would get in so of course through being out meet minute to meet ministries and just seeing like how many things I had to let go of that God just making it clear that Q.'s if you truly want to see me you know purge out your heart. Eventually I did move back to New York and that's where I am now back in Brooklyn and one of the reasons I had gone back was well you know what I should go back to school so by God's grace I am going back to school the end of August Praise God even for that because God knew that when I had graduated school I had no desire going back to school but see how much healing has been. Gong on for me to even decide. Yes to decide to even go back to school is a miracle in and of itself to understand like what I was a years ago and applying to college like getting to know I was 20 plus colleges and so now you know being able to go back to school it was a humbling experience because there was a lot that had to take place for even for me to get to this place and really realize the value of an education but at the same time being that I'm it in my old territory. I had to realize there was a new mindset I had and I had to maintain that mindset as a dog returns to his own vomit so a full repeats his folly it has been. A Go Go through the struggle of abstinence in order to understand the sacredness of sex. As I've been back in New York it has definitely been a struggle but it's been a beautiful show because there is that peace of mind I know that I have now whereas before when I would do all these things and especially there quietly doing whatever I wanted and realizing that I was always left with that that guilt that emptiness that unworthiness after everything had occurred but now even though it's at times I make it hard but just realizing the next day I'm at peace knowing that I'm still continuing impurity expression considering that I've had multiple partners in the past and sometimes as a female we kind of question whether or not you know when I get to be also when I get married how is a man ever going to respect me but realizing that as I've been on this process and being honest with God and being renewed that he's able to restore me a Benchley as I was in back of New York my key had reached out to mean inquired if I'd be wanting to join coming out ministries and even with him asking me I was just like me. Because in my head I was like there was so many things I had going on and even like the picture of the you see like on the right side to the left to the right to left side there is like the green product the darkness to the light and just recognizing like even with me being a part of this ministry it's a miracle because when I was in I had such like my depressive moments you know how some people say well at least you can see the light at the in the tunnel in my head although there is no light in the end of my tunnel like that is it but to see how the process that God has brought me through that I am not out of and I've been maintaining it to see that it is such a beautiful process it's an all that God makes no mistakes like this that it's at times or that shovel but just to know how there is that spirit of knowing that there's that peace. So I thank you for being a part of my countability because being a part of and. They are part of the ministry has definitely brought me to another level of accountability because I know that it's easy for me to go back it's easy lifestyle it's knowing the immediate gratification whereas with God like when I was living in Florida I was living in a country like area so I was in nature I was able to see how God operated things and so as I've been on this journey to see how things takes takes time whereas what I was doing before it was that immediate gratification and failing to realize that with God Things take time so do we have any questions comments or concerns grow so we'll pray my have me father I just thank you so much for your power that you are able to extend to all of us I thank you for your love and your patients that shew have shown me throughout these years as we are here this afternoon I just pray that we would all walk away with something knowing that you are God who truly just wants to have an intimate relationship with us I pay for every single person that is here that in their walks any concerns any doubts any hesitations they may have that you may make it clear in their past what they are supposed to do as the rest of the session go on continue speaking to them in a manner in which they will understand in Jesus name I do. 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