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Logo of Love in the Making 2019

The Anatomy of a Relationship

John Nixon II April Nixon

Recorded

  • April 13, 2019
    3:00 PM
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Anyway the rest is that we did well 3 and a half years and then we thank you very much and then we. Got married and we have 2 children John is 14 Julia is 11 and. We are in love and we like each other most are 2 different things. So there's a limit about us when I pastor the Tacoma Park Church we spent 18 years in the South Atlantic Conference in several different states North Carolina South Carolina and Georgia. And we were called to Tacoma Park about 10 months we accepted a call about 10 months ago so we've been here that short a period of time it was a much a schoolteacher a middle school I guess anyway. So this session is about the anatomy of a Christian relationship and we're kind of talking about. I guess going from maybe friendship to courtship how that would look the 1st thing that we think is important to understand before we get into the actual topic is that every relationship that has a chance of really working long term has to find its foundation in Jesus Christ which means that if you work. Through. Oh. Oh. It will does fulfill me and I think I fulfill her right OK good stranger we believe in ways that before with each other we didn't find but that's not the same as saying that April 4th will be ultimately my ultimate fulfillment found Jesus Christ so that is to say that it is possible for you to feel fulfilled as a single verse. Style and you should be serving others through striving to bring them down but your agenda is by others. So when we have we have to start with that sort of a. Not a preamble What was the thing you have except for you do anything else and just plain enough that frankly. Pretty rarely ever it is a good word for the word little bit of good that's our very own we're starting all of this presupposition one of our presupposition is that this session is not about finding most of the other. This session is about starting with the idea that we've got our problem in God it's that you found us how we do it and then we can find a significant other and by lower levels of over there you can find that but we were not searching for that in a human being and if we do it that way I think we can actually be successful in our relationships. So we call this the anatomy of it we don't have this according to marriage we're tiring this is the anatomy of a Christian relationship and what we want to do to sort of illustrate that is to come up with 5 body parts that we feel help to illustrate what a Christian relationship should look like so many of the 500 bucks now in the situation you see on the screen for some reason it's not on here because we switched to the laptop timetable the 5 body parts are now one job and here they are the brain. Hears mouth part. And yes all right here's not hard. Go Go right go down over the fire try to use to illustrate what a healthy Christian relationships are looks like and if you are searching for a person a significant other we believe that this can help now before we get to that one thing I want to say we think that it's important that before trial by the way you are trying to be the wife for so. Many there are some specific issues that you need looking for this for. So while there are a workable say so where does it. Create a situation where you are coming. Or. We're. Going to use a different word right there one for something else like the side like yes but your baby may be coming out of something that you're looking for. There but someone else yes OK Back inside what you're doing is you are really striving. More complete. And what happens is you really make yourself more ready for someone else. To work for you but it's still a thing or a more socially that there are certain things I want to 1st go you know play. Fighting back some time to get out of this thing that was really the slightly. He was you know this for him very you know the words of her so I think it's better to try to be the one exhausted before you because I find yourself with her for that anyway so you're lovely right let's talk about that OK. Oh yes OK So with the brain there are 2 reasons our bring this up number one we believe that it's important that as a single person that you make sure I understand the way that you think about us. In your life that is going to shape sometimes the way that you know. One word for this that we think is some form of the is the word that. I say. We all have every single person is biased or something in your life that you have experienced or been through it may be specific to a relationship you were in when the person could just be a relationship like a parent or something like that that has shaped the way you think about things and it does in fact that we. Believe that people understood on the front that they had better go on this or it's OK by this. Door allowed that to dictate things that there are something like this happen Joy because your baggage is. So I think we have to cope with a presupposition OK I've got baggage this summer I'm going to try to show I'm not going to allow it to keep me from having healthy which is very important so everybody has a everybody deals with it. To do I want to pass up P.S. So we're going to do a quick just a little activity. We have a book bag here and this is going to be considered the baggage OK the reason why I told the book bag is because you carry your baggage with you. You don't roll it behind you way in the back you know you carry it with you take it you know like on the plane is going to be your carry on it's not going to be under the plane because with you you want to be able to grab it whenever you can see needed to be under the seat OK so we chose a book bag for that reason so what we want you to do is we want you to just write down some form of baggage that we bring into our relationships it can be your own personal baggage or baggage that you know people have one thing OK we have we have several different things we put in our bag but I want you to just think of one thing that we could have as they age and then I want to just come in place it in is in our bed here can you can you do that for us OK. And it does not have to be your own personal baggage so don't feel like you have to you don't have to put your name on it. And if you need it OK All I want to do is put one thing that you think people carry around as their baggage into relationships. OK one thing on that paper. I don't really want to give an example do do I need to give an example OK OK So now that we have our baggage. I'm just going to mix it up here we're going to pull out and just talk about different things that go with us into relationships and we can talk about why these things might be a problem OK being raised without a father that's a good ones. We have actually seen that many times with couples that we counsel where there may be one without a father in and we've seen with women it's hard for them to know what kind of man to find and with men on how to be a man how to be the right man for their woman so we know that that can be. Yes it's just yeah because there are certain things in life that you can teach a person pretty easily just by reading a book but there are other things in life to come it's usually they have to be modeled and a person has to sort of you know this is very hard for her or what means is I mean your presence and I mean to see you catch it but she just you know I think. Sometimes that's what followed was brought home one of those you may feel that there are some deficiencies because you were not able to see certain things that other people could see. A problem with in the home now of course there are also those who have you know dysfunctional ways about it so there's that too it's not just Barry bothered by the wrong guy who was a drunk or he or he beat my mother or something like that so all of these things can definitely baggage and can can be things that that affect us that's a good one so I just I don't know just to move through quickly because of you OK sexual abuse and the pair now this is a good one because we talk about sex and marriage and we talk about how sometimes your sexual pair can cause you to respond negatively even in sex within marriage where it's OK So we've seen that where you know abuse and that kind of thing can keep you from even wanting to have a physical relationship with that person and we're actually going to talk about a little bit more in the 2nd session. So this one's about going from sort of courtship to marriage friendship to marriage I mean friendship quite I remember yes thank you very much of the course of the next what is courtship to marriage right and in there we're going to talk a little bit about sexual fulfillment and this is one of the things that's problematic. Yes sir may affect the way that you do with your husband or wife it's a very important piece about which And we're also going to talk about how sex is actually a big part of having a set healthy marriage so if that is affected because of that sexual abuse of that baggage and that could actually affect the health of the relationship so. The relationships with prior partners. OK So do you think that you can go into a relationship and immediately begin to compare that person with other partners that you did. Yes some people do so you are so bent on how your relationship was with Tommy that you can't really go in with Brian all the way because you see some things that he might be doing that looks like what time you did but may not be so it keeps you from being able to move on in that relationship to be able to learn each other and get to know so that definite can be and we say to couples sometimes. Oftentimes project on to them being within their group right down to the projections with our own personal. To do something else like that which is it looks like something really serious or sort of started looking like this person is doing this is a very responsible because the last time someone do that you will go. Read it and stuff because some comes conflict in the relationship and I think it's worse if a person doesn't realize from the beginning that we all have baggage. Having having that thought process would be doing sir I'm not going to allow the thoughts to this or control to be among those disorders the subject and make sure that the baggage is not true so I always say you have to admit your problems before you can fix them so if you can admit that you actually have baggage then it's going to be hard to go into these next relationship or relationship you're in and be able to say OK these are things that are keeping me from being able to fully. Go into this relationship you know to me so I think we have to admit we have the baggage and you might need to list what are the things that what are the issues that I have so that you can figure out how to deal with them I will do one more. Do one this folded. Family struggles like divorce. So that's a big ones and we can always go back to couples that we've dealt with and one thing that we see is couples that have parents that are divorced are always wanting pre engagement counseling. So that's a new thing by the way I don't know if you know about this but there's a pre engagement counseling now and we were like No we're not doing that because there's not showing commitment you know and we're like wait a minute people need this because they're even afraid to commit to engagement because of the fact that parents with divorce usually this is the state my parents were divorced are divorced and I am so afraid of ending up like them with only one of 3 days 1st before I know that this is the one. On the other when I ask them to marry until I'm sure and they want to double sure because they're grew up feeling like depressed all of you know doing the real thing those lies will what the world of the road will it will be so it makes a difference and nowadays with Instagram and Facebook and all the filter media you know what you're engaged in this put out there it's like you know can back out. You know but anyway yes OK overtly so that's social That's the bottom part of the brain that has to do with I think you need to make sure that you understand that you're going to have though that this is going to possibly have an effect on how you would listen to and want to make sure that you keep it chipped and I think the baggage needs to be moved from the back to the front of the brain that you know I mean like it needs to be in the forefront of your mind so that you can go in knowing these are issues that I have and I cannot let this get in the way of getting to know this person you know so in some in some instances not in some in all instances I will say it's not a good thing to remain in denial about the fact that you have been one of them actually moment you can bring to the fore mind the news about the school recently. Spent more time in prayer. Mode trying to deny. Muse asking God I believe that something's happened to me and we're only relationships you come up here and you have. Yet to get them knowing that there's something there and once you have it I think it's going to carry you to be a better one for the girlfriend eventually husband wife to someone else a little bit later also because now the 2nd day when the brain has to do with the repetition we believe that relationship or relational expectations should be realistic sometimes the reason why we are in trouble in our relationships so the we're talking about core pressure of course we just talked about pretty much anybody with the whole bash you know religion of the leader in their relationship now whether it's one of the girls or marriage you have to have realistic expectations about their relationship and go to measure US So for instance they were like that we are very close right here and still most of the stuff that we have disagreements about have to do with one foot of us or. So let's say. This is a real example but I am. Somebody. That was going to. You know. You know. I'm sure. You know you want me to come say. Maybe to rub your feet like the also the expectation seriously that every time not every time not every time. You hear. From. This. Now did he call me or text me and say these are the things I mean when I get home that you know he did I mean this writer got a little out would have known and said OK He had a bad day you know what let me let me help him out a little bit but OK But the reality is it will have an equally hard hard so for me I honestly this woman I know I know most has to go in fact mine on this Tuesday on. Tuesday. Morning and I have meetings all day and night and it was me. Finally on the difference to the moment so. I know that. To be her. Really the expectation that I was a realist. So for me to come home and you know. That's. That's that's. The security OK What I'm saying I don't think people understand how people park their place. It's a problem oftentimes I have to articulate there's a thing about why I sometimes call it political you know what because while I. Hear. Fiercely there's with me but what I mean and it changes everything that's what I do I don't have to say. You know this from. The bottom to not from that little different attitude toward. Who runs research which is really going to start tomorrow. Don't give you the very core of our About who are on. This. I was cross you talk for you're my boss whoa whoa wait you know what you're my shrink. Are all such great. We're talking about the sort of stuff you're my. Friend you. Know we sort of you're over how we think about this stuff is going to really impact the way we are going to reach. Our goals. Now he just talked about expectations as far as. Someone doing something but sometimes we have unrealistic expectations as far as the person so we have different personalities but I don't know why we're all it's like we're attracted to this person because they have a different personality than us we don't know that that's true you don't realize that yes you offices really do attract or compliment or whatever right but sometimes we go into a relationship and then all of a sudden we have expectations we want them to be like oh. I want him to want to come outside and be all out and this cold out with the kids walking out he's not really a book worm he's more of a technology guy he likes to be in and do stuff with the kids on the computer OK Why am I expecting him all of a sudden to change who he is. I've known him like this all along but now the circumstances have changed and now we have kids and I want him to do things that he has never done. Because now I'm putting expectations on to him and did I ever verbalize that know now man because I say hey let's go do this and you really want to now I'm upset because he didn't want to do those things not saying that he doesn't but I'm just saying there have been times where I've put that on him or upset when he comes to the mall with me he's watching the game on his phone. I mean is it really in oh you know what I'm saying Did I say to him specifically what I needed him when he came to the mom now of course you know well that's a whole nother things are going to anyway I'm just I'm just talking about expectations as far as even personality OK OK So the 2nd body part was the fear for the brain so the most of us and we want to do that let's focus on 5 proverbs 1522 find it on your phone or your bible will have a front row seat between you and read the forcefully and. Swear or you're on the jury. Yes yes pretty flimsy project example. For. All right so you're going to say all right all right now we're talking now all the way. Right. If you want to see. My. Story was to go. For it or if you know people. We actually vote on this thing. This of course. Was that he was asked to vote with. You all these questions all house by house here. With Asia how I know you're very old and so I did basics of the book How to get your life sort of. Songwriting present and then you keep your list and repay shame that sort of you choose the steps. And so you are following all really. Were designed to get married. First those people your will are so what you have to do good to or what was. You bet if. I am. To. Every. One. Anyway. Long time but us were OK But bottom line is we were stuck listening if you are single with no relationship you can listen in preparation for them give me an example of why I said. When you look back. You know. When you look back you all the number of years. Before any of the rain came no Obviously you're right it was building the instrument of deliverance for the fall. But also notice that when you look back at the time do you know that while the building is shouldering. That's what children were actually a part of the process of building their own interests are very right so is this idea that even before we get all we have to believe of the dangers of the world will say look this is. Really a world also a war but I really hate to be prepared for the SO I. Don't know this to go because you don't want to go there so. You want to but I think it's right in the right direction of this here does measurably better than the someone in the US because that's certainly what yours important while you're in a relationship as well so. Active listening this can be for any relationship OK Even parent and child say that because my children try not to listen and I have to say them you have to be active listeners and I teach them we teach them ways to be active listeners as children OK So we actually have. We have something that we do in our family called pass the mike and pass the mike is a way to listen actively and you're kind of forced to do it even if you don't want to but it's good because it really helps you to actually listen and at the end you're really happy you may not go into you're not go into it wanting to listen but you're kind of forced to so let me just say that I mean it's for covered resolutions this is for conflict as of but it is about listening because in a relationship the times well for us when we really argue is because he would listen to my feelings a little what I really feel for I was listening to him that's it I mean when we're not listening to each other we're arguing because all we're doing is taking our point across. And so I could him off because I'm trying to talk he cut me off because he wants me to hear him only OK so. Anyway we're going to we're going to show you what past that might look like OK so 1st of all we have them because this is real argument right and we're trying to resolve the argument the or the argument resolution wasn't. Possible in the moment because our because our emotions were high. So we were not able to resolve the issue in the moment so we have to do it later. So what we do I would say if I'm the one with the issue I will come to the person whoever friend husband boyfriend or from whatever I like to talk to. Can I talk to tomorrow night is it a. She would actually probably say can I schedule a past of my clock right to say I would look at my calendar and say yes. If I thought it would work as I. Said was a Thursday I get it right and that's the schedule after that I say yes I'm available and so it's 8 o'clock now what they're saying OK now that's all so you know you have to have a good look at this thing out because obviously what we would have done but what we did OK in this particular situation now I have to let you know that this example shows you that something minor can be huge in a relationship. Because it's not really about the situation it's always deeper but again this is about. Something happened the other day and I know this is. This really shouldn't be that big of a deal and now that I think about it it's really but it bothers me when I feel like when you talk about it because I'm still carrying it around I don't know why. Last week. Some clothes were in the dryer and. Basically what happened was you folded your clothes and then you left my clothes in the dryer. And for some reason. Actually driving took them out you just and they were still in the hamper it's like you got your clothes and folded them and put them away and then you let my clothes in there and I felt like. I don't know I felt neglected or something like like how come. She didn't also for my clothes and put them away and that particular day was a long day I just felt that way I don't stop but. I guess why would you say that I wish you had done that. So are you saying that. You felt like I wasn't caring about you when I just put my clothes away and didn't put yours away did you feel like are you saying you felt like when I put my where I was only thinking about myself and I we didn't have you in mind. No I don't think you were speaking selfish I just felt like maybe you were. Preoccupied or something maybe you just didn't notice mine. Whatever it was it made me feel like. You just didn't have me in mind I didn't feel like you were deliberately being selfish or trying to do something against me but it just felt like you just forgot about me and I wanted you to remember me in that situation and I'm saying sorry are you saying you felt like I was. Not really thinking about you and I didn't have you you know in the front of my mind as far as my husband is concerned like I wasn't thinking about you and your needs Yes yes it felt like. Like you you know who I was but you just weren't thinking specifically about me in that situation that you're the type that I'm really sorry that was not my intention. I never want you to feel that way and so I need you to know that I'm never thinking about you like that in a way of not wanting to fulfill your needs and the things you know I don't want you to ever feel neglected so I'm so sorry please accept my apology I suppose thank you very much. So is there anything else around this situation that you were thinking that maybe you want to talk to me about I will. Well funny because I thought that you were upset but I felt like the reason why I didn't put your clothes away because the last time I did that you took them all out and you refolded them. And that actually made me feel like man I can't really do anything right you know when I do it for you is wrong so I just I didn't want to feel like that again so I actually thought I was helping you out by leaving them in the basket I didn't realize it was going to make you feel like you know neglected so best Why did that so what you're saying really is what I was neglecting was actually deliberate and that you were doing at least on the best for my good oh yeah you didn't like what I did the 1st time so. You know I just thought if you didn't like it maybe I should not do that again really. Really bad that. They would be glad you were deliberately doing that. As well I really don't want to do that so I'm really sorry. Except your apology Oh good now. We're OK. But now we want to know from you I'm sorry go ahead what did you see right describe what you describe what you saw what are things that we think are going to look. Good. Right right. So you. Look at him you say. You say. What he thought yourself what matters is that we do have a talking and I soon I don't wish to say well I'm just now she was like I was not I repeat what I thought she said that you tell me what you really meant was I was just very important never that yes OK You mentioned anything about your. Hurt your. Very room I never once said you are this is the one that when I said this is how I felt exactly right Erika now what that actually does is. The chances of the fact you know let me say this of course we get defensive all the time and sometimes we get defensive not because of the way the 1st day but because our feelings are hurt so so this in the form of it doesn't mean that because I said that way it was not going to be offensive but the chance of a big event or less and yet when I'm not blaming her when I was sad to say how I felt it will come here and look at ready for. Yes yes. Yes Yes Yes Do you know why it was so easy for me to do that and why it's always easy in a situation this is how it works for me I know how it works for you if you have been in the situation for but when I feel listened to I want to return the favor to my wife I want her the same way and I think it's so fulfilling to have a conversation because even though you see how we are we just we've kind of other off several times during this thing with you right right doesn't matter though because it's not like a party critical of that we always do it how we talk we talk over the snow we put them on more you know I don't know it's a real problem right OK right so to have an argument. Which That was not there was there was a disagreement whatever you were called to have a conversation about something that's normally a highly charged situation and I have a calmly which is listening and they feel so listen to that I want to return the favor and so every time if we have selected I stay or something like this that you want to talk to me or me and it ends up being even more beneficial for both. My. And why. He said no we have to go away and never say hi so I remember though you're kidding right right right right to the word yes right right right. Right. Right something and it's. Usually right you. Mean you should not bring it up till now. Right. That. Will. One. Day. To listen to her friends like No problem I mean let's go forgive somebody before. Let me tell you if he said to me how you know. That it would've been over right we would have gone back and forth when you me the last time I called you know what you did say it would not have gone well. What. Sorry I'm trying to suppress me yeah I'm trying to suppress that. I'm sorry that I'm trying to the rest met. A man Marilyn now that. Oh yeah. Oh the older toilet OK. The old it's. Ever. Not. Oh oh oh. Oh oh oh. Oh oh oh. Oh oh yes. That's it that's it. Right great point. You're right. And it's so true. There is no right. And I'm going to tell you that whenever we do these at home because we do this but you should not use this every day. This is only for those very dangerous the major thing that you are holding or something but when we do this I am sitting there must tell me like I want to talk so badly I don't want to just cut him off and say but being able to hold there and not do that it actually helps so that now when we have those moments where we're not doing the past the my I stop and I listen. Speakers that let them I mean really like it is crazy but it is a pride thing to be able to say you know I'm going to humble myself right now and I'm going to just be quiet even though I know I'm right. We'll find out later but we're going to go through the process really you're right so just to see. If you know. There's. If you're just reading this right. This is. Your home in this world. When we. Were. Processed. Or you were. OK that the younger twin and then the gentleman here did you still want to say something your hand was a OK. Oh yeah I'm telling you the deal with my kid would say yeah. Yeah yeah yeah. Definitely. Right. Right right right. Right. Exactly. Exactly. The right right so. True. All. Right. Yes. No. Right OK. OK. That's. OK Yes. If you're actually not a couple more things that you may have noticed we use this water bottle and whoever had the water bottle in the situation was the person who was talking and then was when I was finished I would pass the water bottle to her and she would talk with you since your passage to me now we don't always use an object especially now because we're better at this than we used to be but there was a point at which it was so hard not to cut the other person off but there has to be some other thing to let you know who is it that has the floor that's all you that's what we call a past of mind it's like OK when I give you the microphone it's now your turn top and you're going to give it to me you know so that's how we did it you made I mean but we got it you may not need it but it could be a good tool for you in that situation or you know it's a couple of things are going to start. With me. Yeah right so so here's what's weird now about us that if we have the argument on Tuesday and April comes to me later that day and asks for you pass the mike session on Thursday what immediately happens is I get into this mindset that if I'm going to follow the rules of the past the my activity I have to make sure I get myself right for that and so I usually think back to what I did wrong in that situation so that when she says to me what she didn't like I don't get overly defensive now what happens is it helps me to process down the process and what happened so by the time we get to the situation now isn't that stupid probably there isn't that much of a situation more we're actually fundamental here in terms of the. Anger or whatever we're feeling the kind of resentment the bitterness whatever I should have subsided by the time we actually know what actually helps me do is say OK I know what he's calling this for where was I wrong. You know I try to figure out where was I wrong let me figure out that now when I get there and I'm ready for what I'm going to hear right you know so it really is almost like you know some people need a touch some time away and then they need to come back to kind of gives you that space you know did you did you. Know. If you do not mention what will be address because I have called I have I have called the my time Oh my OK I have called that for something that happened long time ago but some little thing happened that brought that feeling back up because I let it fester. And I never dealt with it so it will take some little thing and then I'm all heated he's I why would you get mad over something like this as you are those laws and realize it was from way back and I never dealt with it so you know what that that is kind of a sign that you need to to 2 X. 4 and pass the my time deeper than the pseudo Yeah it lets you know so I could have a sizeable terminus lives a little more. Yes we had a fight just one of them from you because I knew exactly what. My goodness are so another rule as far as us concern is if we put ourselves our cell phones aren't even in the room you know you have your cell phone with us and notice our bodies were to behave towards each other only look at him and did you see that I didn't go right you know normally I'm making faces but our role is I world that's just me I will do all of it right he will flail as you see he talks with all hands but we can't do that during that time. Because you know body language is almost it's actually more of a work for get it right last comma there will be more to the last 3. Yes. I mean. Here's a. Science that will give you a different person because what you find when you know a relationship for a long time is you figure out what things are important. What you get. Really isn't that the. Things that really are a big deal and those are the things I'm going to really make sure that you. Know what you spend your time. Just I do so these are nothing but I am. So. So so I am. Sure I am. And there are certain specific things. That we just. Actually. Just. Yes. I love how good he has yet to get out of that much time I think most of all that I do not. Know. Why. Thank you. I know I must. But. She was. Out with. My allowance and I am I was right. And let him but if I want to say the same thing about his golf clubs or about his computer gadgets then it's like what do you mean you know so something you know some things are nothing to do so and I've accepted the computer now I'm going to look at the stuff with him. You see what I'm saying like you know even though he's not looking for hair products I mean right now. They were saying well you have to watch the everything go watch them. So here in the last day we talk we talk about the way we talk about yours there's my heart and head mouth very quickly it's important that some 75 change up to 3 James 33 my 5 this is important that you. Very well wish. To be right next to you or. I was a. Freshman here. Oh very very funny. Yesterday. Thank you. Yes. Yes yes. Yes of course a summary of the same writer is never held in the movie. The boy with the horse a very large animal and yet we control course through the British. So. You're assuming of course. Saving a. Few but you can try to. Make the. Right. Time. To say. Wow to. Leave a law and yet our home is only OK this will say well you're very religious you know that if you can get your rights. You will have so much more your time. So we're set you right to learn specially your story because the way that you speak to one another is of the most important so we're going to talk about it. It was going to be arguing about something there are some things we just you know we do not homey. Not personally. So treasuries of course because there's no. Way that we really would but it's not the. This is what we believe in our relationship it's all. So from free you know that's fine that's your relationship that's how we decide you know we're fine but as long as there are some things that we probably name calling it's not just saying you're out there we stop saying you're so selfish. Or you're so they consider it if you say I felt like you were being selfish that's different when you say to yourself that we don't do that OK So there are certain things that we think is important if you're trying to parry yourself or the one. That's a journal or but what you need to know that we used to do that all right you know you do that but we as we continue to you know decide we're going to fight fairly you know it we don't rarely do we do that because we had to contain the press it was adaptive yet it doesn't help us at all and the other day is we're going to talk about one of April's primary love languages is words of affirmation and so Words of Affirmation a person can very easily feel love when someone says something affirming but they also can very easily feel hate when someone says something purposely for me to say to her you're so selfish it was way more damaging to her I think. More of what the mission person than we've been to the words of affirmation is 0 M. either by the mile or so. That part of me I think really. Yes Really the book is really going to have an excellent but we could identify all that's in our leisure Yeah that's very yeah the whole theory is that we often sell love you but that isn't necessarily a person actually feels love you can know you are without a feeling you are loved because a person is not speaking your love life especially there are 5 to 4 times but anyway so that was now think they are waiting there like a window to the next thing my goodness OK heart heart this is about all of that we think it's important that in order to really really come to fruition you have. To be able to. Be willing to be hurt you will just like all really really is it's not the same has to be hurt but it's putting yourself out there and by doing that you take off the armor and you're allowed to love big but it also means you can be more useful and because leaving a situation before in our past when we've been hurt we decide I'll never be normal again and we don't realize we're actually qualified so. You can. See your heart has to be out there you can see where they are going to do now the other part of heart though is that if you're with a particular person your heart should be for them only don't don't be but I would divide it hard for several different people where they can see your eyes wondering and all that kind of stuff you know saying to try to be a relationship remember to practice vulnerability by the way we talked about it when I was on my earlier part of vulnerability sometimes you get tired just want to believe with our. Sources. Say. OK. So if I don't like you and I want to go for this promotion or something but the promotion something that I do. And I say well I say my position was that what happened that way was I wasn't going to be vulnerable so I get caught up in this a little while because I want to put myself up some place something you can practice called illegality and just like you use the other a little bit right to not say OK he's going to look at that last one last why do you think that headstand this is the one that really was a how to get to the head what we're talking about here yes. Probably use your head in a question with. Your fellow we will let you decide really is a yes on things that we think are appropriate and inappropriate in a Christian relationship in terms of the way that you tell you which is actually a question Is this an appropriate. Way to touch if we are just boyfriend girlfriend I would agree with you does OK. I can demonstrate it but when you work with heavy handed be appropriate. And here's why you say. If you are a relationship. Unless. Of course was like actually. Actually. Actually. Met. But that particular day is similar to that no. Guard play surely he could play outside. You could cite for. Me. Me. Me More. From. Time to time free from your. City. Right now if you are a Christian nation. Or Supreme. Just like. Right. Away because every time you say. You. Want me. To run the 1st. Place. There's no problem but I go away but I believe God can heal our soul she will. Say we really. Want it. Now let me just get real with you real quick when we were at dating it was hard so I need you to know that we have experienced fighting not to go there OK So we had to set some rules and we had to set realistic rules because there was a time where this one right here tried to set some rules and they were so unrealistic and it didn't that. It did not go well OK when are. These that we can't hold hands no more kids not think not a not really sorry OK sorry. Really Anyway it did not go well because once that. Did not work and it was like. The 1st we could no longer be alone together after 10 now we just knew us and we sent this at Oakwood and we were you know we were like you know and we were living in the annex and we were only like 2 houses down from each other. So when it after we start time together somebody said. Yeah so his cousin Brian doesn't that was what he was always with us. I know that was that we had to start working so that actually. So the size of the morning would actually play basketball before work. And it was weird because that we think that we think back on it there was no one in the record court was really no one it was it was like 6 in the morning nobody was there were there alone nobody for us because we went to we knew we were coming and we're coming at worship and we're coming exercise which helps as well. Anyway so often no more time for you. Know. 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