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Logo of GYC 2019: By Many Or By Few

How to be a Super Model

Ben Martin Brianna Martin

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Do you feel the need to become equipped as parents to be able to disciple your children? Join Ben and Brianna as they explore the different facets and challenges of Christian parenting. You'll leave with actionable next-steps for your family discipleship plan.

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  • January 2, 2020
    10:45 AM
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This message was presented at the g y seek. Advice here in Louisville Kentucky for other resources this is. The right. Ok Well welcome back and we've got some new faces and that is fantastic as well. For those of you who are new let's just reintroduce ourselves real quick here my name is Ben Martin I am the Children and Family discipleship pastor pioneer Memorial Church and I married up this is my wife Brianna and she has been a teacher an educator school administrator and right now she has a blog disciple Mama dot com and how to bring our kids to Jesus is something that we are both very passionate about. As far as careers but also as parents and how can we disciple our children so that they grow up knowing only Jesus so let's begin with the word of prayer there's definitely father. In God We we humbly come to you and ask and that you will be with us as we talk about this next part of this part is one of those things that as a parent it. Mildly terrify them but we know that we can do this because we do not have to do this alone the God of the universe wants with us and so we thank you for that and we invite you to join us as we talk about this leave this conversation in your name name and. If anyone needs a paper or pens we've got some up front we can bring that to suggest raise your hand and we would be. And we've apparently need to talk louder so that's good to. One of the things you realize a very. Very early as a parent is your kids want to be just like you. Which is terrifying because I don't always want to be just like me and so my oldest son Emmett one day he's packing up a bag and he said What are you doing and he said oh going to a lunch meeting. And you go and at the church. There's the back hallway where all the offices are and there's a tiny door that's under the baptistery and he tells people that that's his office he's told people to go ahead and put things on his desk and so forth. But one of those moments where it became the most clear that he wanted to be with me is I was out mowing the lawn and he had his little lawn mower and he's walking right beside me accomplishing nothing but feeling oh so proud. But just watching these kids and that the 2 boys their absolute favorite game to play. Is baptisms those boys will do baptisms all day long. It's really exciting and even the 2 year old like he loves baptizing and but he's also figured out there's a formula to this and so if you're not noticing the baptism he will call your attention to it and say you need to say amen and makes that really clear. Yes My my 2 year old was baptising my. 6 foot 4 Dad like a biker mustache. I don't know probably 27 times a day over Christmas time with my family very very fun and exciting we had to say amen every time every time I can't miss it I was just going to this this is one more story about how our kids try to model s. can you hear me in the back I'm trying to speak up. And this isn't a good one for my husband to tell. Because he says things like and a mere 40 hours later our son was born you can delete doesn't take it seriously right so before our 2nd son was born. Obviously I was pregnant and I had morning sickness and also 18 month old and those 2 things are really really fun to have at the same time some of you probably experience that sort of a thing and I had morning sickness but calling it morning sickness is also one of those things that's really a lie because it was all the time sickness for 20 weeks so I was pretty miserable as a pregnant lady and my little energetic 18 month old boy was my constant companion. And. He wanted to be with me even though I was kind of a miserable person to be around he wanted to be with me and he wanted to be like me and it was amazing to me. I realized. For sure one day when I smelled a smell and if you have experienced morning sickness or all the time sickness as a pregnant woman you know that it doesn't even necessarily have to be a bad smell that you smell you can smell a smell and bad things happen so I smelled the smell I think it was like lotion or Chapstick and it just was too much for me Iran to the bathroom I leaned over the toilet and stuff happened. Not going to go into detail but when I noticed a disturbance at my side I realized that Emmett my little boy was also leaning over the toilet and gleefully making the most disgusting noises that he could muster and just smiling at me so big oh mommy This is fun do it again and I realized it doesn't matter what we're doing where we are how we're feeling when we're doing we are modeling to our good all the time we don't have to be trying I certainly wasn't thinking about teaching him by example in that moment but he was still learning from me and you know and I learned from him too because I actually smiled a little and it was a bad situation but. I could laugh about it a little bit later but he was just so excited to spend that time with me and to just do what I was doing with me and that's we don't get that very often and our kids when they're very young they're pretty awesome companions but we are teaching them all the time it's a pretty grave responsibility. Well. This is not working so that's cool. I can talk if you want to see if you can prevent it so there are there's no question about it as there there we go. We're saved by relationship and if you don't believe me let's turn to John Chapter 15 if you have your Bible if not I'm assuming you have a phone let's turn to John Chapter 15 and here is Jesus is sharing some of his last messages before the cross he is making everything as clear as he possibly can to His disciples and here in the beginning of John chapter 15 you have. The vine in the branches and. I just keep coming back to this because in a few verses you've got the entire gospel you've got the entire Christian walk abide in me and I and you just as the branch cannot bear fruit by itself unless it abides in the vine neither can you unless you abide in me I am the vine you are the branches those who abide in me and I in them bear much fruit because apart from me you can do nothing. Whoever does not abide in me is thrown away like a branch of the withers such branches are gathered thrown into the fire and burned and this abiding in Him and Him in us this becomes the defining line of whether or not we are producing fruit whether or not we're accomplishing anything as Christians and it also becomes the defining line between those who are saved and those who are not it's a saving relationship with Jesus Christ and in Deuteronomy 6 we talked about this in the 1st session what we are to pass on to our children is that relationship love the Lord your God with all your heart with all your soul with all your mind that relationship is what we are to pass on and that is tricky. We ended the 1st session a little bit by talking about how do you pass on relationships and that's not easy. You can't just say like hey here's my friend now they're your friend too good done you know relationships take time they take energy they take getting to know each other they take every possible moment and if we want the strongest relationship for our kids then we've got to model that because you know I skipped something there I think. Yeah so well. Ok. Well I'll do this and come back. Here's a sad fact and this is everything we know about relationships is what we have learned by seeing other relationships. And this is scary because the way our parents interact is what we base our idea of what marriage should look like and that doesn't mean that we're going to do everything the way our parents did because sometimes we look at it we say well I don't want that and so I'm going to do things differently and this is why also I mean in choosing a spouse you've got to be careful because if you 2 grew up in completely different homes with completely different dynamics you're entering into a marriage with completely 2 different ideas of what that should look like and how it should function and so it's tricky. But everything we understand about relationships is what we've seen it Relationships aren't taught like anything else you can have somebody stand up front and tell you this is what a healthy relationship should be but you're not able to fully comprehend that until you've seen that in action and so relationships are based on what we've seen which is terrifying because. We don't have perfect relationships we don't have perfect relationships with our spouses we don't have perfect relationships with God because every single day we're failing we're messing up and how do we model for our kids what we are struggling with. But this is this is the good news our children do not need us to be perfect they need us to point them to the perfect God that we are seeking to know. And this is and we talked a little bit about this before this is where we allow grace to come in and we acknowledge Ok we we messed up what I just did there that wasn't the ideal and we we keep moving forward so when I mean we know the importance of modeling our own relationships because because of course the relationships that we have in form are based on relationships that we have observed in our lives so let's take a minute and share with your table and it doesn't have to be a super specific example you can get. You can share details if you want to you don't have to whatever you're comfortable doing but think about a relationship that you've observed that you. You learn something positive from that you try to model a relationship in your life and so maybe you've observed a marriage relationship maybe it was your parents maybe it was your grandparents or maybe it was like a neighbor or somebody from church that you thought wow the way they do that is really great I want to try to do that in my marriage too or maybe it was a mother daughter relationship or a father son relationship or anything just. Think about a relationship that you've observed that you thought wow I'd like to kind of try to be that way in my relationship and maybe share you can share what it is or you can just share who it was just I would just want you to be thinking about that so take a moment and think about a relationship that you've observed that you thought wow I could learn something from watching these people. So what are some relationships that you have learned some relationships that in your life have helped shape the person that you are or want to be the question is What are some relationships that have helped shape you what are some of these relationships that you've seen or witnessed and said you know that's a relationship I'd like something to strive towards. I hope is a good idea rather than California there's a family and the mom had children raising from early teen to maybe 5 or 6 as you say to them sometimes what are you going to do when you turn 18 or when you get older to make your own decisions so you might give them direction but she would say What are you going to do and I think that's a good idea or thing you had but I'm sure what do you think. Ok So an example there of a mother who had a relationship with her kids where she was urging them to make their own decisions and I mean that that is our ultimate goal as parents is to equip our kids to make their own decisions healthily. So yeah I mean. I feel like as as they're making those decisions I mean we're not going to start with a 2 year old. Saying like hey you make all the decisions but allowing them to make some decisions as they are maturing so that by the time they get 18 they are fully equipped to make the decisions of life that that is our goal yes. Ok what are what are some other relationships that have helped shape who you are I know for me personally my father has had a huge impact on how I see the world how I interact with other people. He did a fantastic job of always bringing strangers home like all kinds of strangers he brought into our home. One time when I was young he brought a woman named Pearl garage or who was a known like shoplifter like most of the stores in town would not allow her in and he brought her home. Another time when we were down in Florida and he came home with a guy who babysat us for a few days and had a wonderful time his name was Pierre. Later I found out that Pierre was a heroin addict. And at 1st that seems like this is terrible parenting but. He modeled what it actually looks like to live out that Christian experience. What it actually looks like to not live in a bubble but to be reaching out and to be telling other people about Jesus because Pierre when you brought him home my Aunt Lu Olo who was in her late ninety's at that time sat down and shared peer the entire Gospel from Adam and Eve to the 2nd coming. And so I want us to be thinking as as parents intentionally What are some of those things we've witnessed it we want our children also to see how how have those people who've impacted our lives and how can we model that to our children. So we have a few steps for modeling human relationships to our kids and one of them to disagree respectfully which makes a lot of sense right. But it's also a lot easier said than done but disagreeing respectfully So that looks different for different relationships rate when when you're disagreeing with your spouse being respectful about it sometimes means. You know in general it would probably mean. Not attacking them personally when you disagree with them but talking about the action or the decision or the idea not the person you know you don't say you're really stupid that you made this decision that's not very respectful but more like I wish you hadn't made this decision you know that kind of thing disagree respectfully It might also look. A little bit different and might look like disagreeing behind closed doors instead of in public. You know some people are real happy to air everything in front of everybody but you or your spouse might not be that person and it's very respectful to think about what they are how they're going to feel about who you're disagreeing with them or arguing with them in front of. And with kids in mind it's really important to think about that too if we make a parenting decision my husband and I that want to one of us disagrees with if I make a decision that my husband disagrees with I don't want him to disagree with me in front of my child about that I'd rather have us talk about it and then come to a consensus and talk to our child about it when we're on a more united front. No we know that it's really hard to parent as a united front but when we're not a united front it's even harder. So when you're disagreeing with your spouse about your kids especially please talk talk to them about it in a way that doesn't confuse your children 1st of all about who's in charge. Because you're both in charge. Also talk about it in a way that shows them again how to disagree respectfully with their friends their brothers and sisters with you. If you if we can't do it we can't expect our kids to do it very well because we're not teaching them how. Apologize when necessary. It's not always easy to apologize. But. How many of us have made our kids apologize for something how many of you have me I have. And. You know I'm not I don't love those forced apologies but But what we actually want is we want our kids to apologize because they're actually sorry. I mean our main goal in life is not children who apologize it's children who are sorry when they need to apologize and really really we'd like them to not have to be sorry because they're so kind and wonderful and respectful and loving to everyone around them but apologies are necessary we all have to make them sometimes or at least we all should make them sometimes so Apologize Apologize to your spouse when when you have done something that troubles them apologize even to your children sometimes and I've heard a lot of people say that they don't have to apologize to their kids because they're adults I'm an adult I don't need to apologize to you well maybe sometimes you don't need to apologize to your kids but sometimes you probably do there have been a lot of times when I've needed to apologize to my kids because guess what I'm not a perfect parent I make mistakes and sometimes my children receive the consequences of the mistakes that I make and they deserve an apology just as much as anyone else that I do wrong to. Our kids our people they're God's children and we are not better than them because we're older than them. And if we've done something that we would apologize to appear for it then we probably should apologize to our kids for it too. And I mean sometimes sometimes hard to apologize to anyone a lot of people struggle with apologizing because it's something that makes us feel ashamed or sometimes I mean sometimes we have trouble apologizing because we're really not sorry and so I just think you know prayer is going to help us through that and also realizing that getting to that reaching our goal of that saving relationship with Jesus Christ for us and for our kids it's going to look a lot more like discipline like apologizing and moving on getting that forgiveness giving that forgiveness and moving on then it is like refusing to apologize because we're older than our kids. And refusing to apologize because we're right in our spouse is wrong always. Apologies are hard but they're necessary and if we want our kids to learn that we need to be willing to sometimes you know we need to sometimes humble ourselves and give apologies if they're necessary give them and show empathy and compassion. Who doesn't want to be empathised with me we all want empathy and we all want compassion even when our kids do something wrong and we are actually right as parents to discipline them to give them consequences that they don't necessarily love and enjoy we can still empathize with them it's Ok. You don't have to pretend that this is a completely painless experience because because life it is painful sometimes and we've all felt down in the dumps because of mistakes that we've made when we were in the wrong right if you felt bad. Even though something is your own fault doesn't mean that you don't. That you wouldn't benefit from some empathy and some compassion and a lot of times we refuse empathy and compassion to our kids when they're in the wrong because they're in the wrong but we're not teaching the right lesson. So soon just think about that empathy and compassion and then serve. When Jesus came he didn't say well you know what I'm perfect I don't make mistakes you need to serve me he got to choose I learned this in a sermon that my husband preached recently he doesn't know I'm going to use this but. So just recently for our children celebration of Sabbath my husband did a little short sermon and he said that Jesus got to choose his parents and I thought wow I never really thought about that before but you know jesus jesus got to you know he got to plan it this was a plan right it's the plan of salvation God wasn't just winging it so he got to choose his parents and he could have chosen parents with a lot more money he could have chosen to be born in like the Hilton and not the state you know what I mean he could have chosen. A lot of different experiences and he didn't he chose service and and servant leadership is how Jesus discipled the people around him and so we need to think of. Our relationships you know our roles in our relationships my role as a wife my husband's role as a husband is a servant role we serve each other or at least we should it doesn't always work that way but that's that's the role our role as a parent is to serve our kids and not in a I yeah I'm going to do all of your laundry for the rest of your life kind of a way that's part of it. But but serving as far as taking care of the way their emotional care I'm serving serving physically serving emotionally serving mentally we need to be. Serving each other in our relationships serving our friends teaching our kids how we really want them to be out there in the world. And I think often when we think about modeling relationships especially our marriage how do we model that to the kids it's easy to want them to never see you fight it's easy for you you to want them to only see happiness and goodness but that's not real. And you can also do a disservice to your children if you don't teach them how to work through problems modeling doesn't just mean showing them all the good it's also showing them how to work through when things go wrong how to be honest when Dad has messed up when I have not been as kind as loving as I should be how to how do we work through that. And so when you mess up in front of your kids model working through that also. Sorry that was just a tangent because I'm the one who messes up so. When your kids are born and. You guys know this. Everything changes absolutely every facet of your life is different. There are some people who are under the impression that kids are going to fit into their current lifestyle and they're just going to keep moving ahead but that's not real. One of the things that I was not expecting. Is how having children would affect my devotional life. Oh yeah I spend a lot more time praying but that quiet in the morning that's gone that's gone because those boys wake up early. And. Both me and my wife we like to talk that it's hereditary. Those 2 boys talks so much so much like and it's absolutely nonstop and they don't have to take turns even they realize they can both talk simultaneously nonstop and so at 1st what I started doing is just getting up before them so I still had that quiet for devotions and that's good but here's the downside to that. One of the relationships we need to model is our relationship with Jesus. It is important for your children to see your relationship with Jesus. It's important for them to see you reading your Bible. It's important for them to see you pray and I'm not just talking family worships and those are great we're going to be talking about those in our next session but also that personal relationship how do you live that out how how do you maintain that relationship with God That is also important when we talk about our children wanting to be just like us if they see you reading your Bible they're going to want to read their Bible it is the best motivator you can give your kids for having that relationship with Jesus for having that personal devotional life it's not easy or oh yeah it's it be way easier to just get up before them and do it but instead it's. Trying to read in the storm but it's important for them to see it's important. For them to understand and it's also important because those days when you don't take time. Your kids will call you out on it it's important for us to and I think that if we remember our primary goal as parents is to bring our kids into that relationship with Jesus Christ then his parents this has to be a key part of who we are having that relationship with Jesus Christ spending time in the word and if if you're like me and not necessarily a good reader and struggle to concentrate when stuff is going on you can say hey. I'm going downstairs to spend some time reading the Bible right now. Because they still know that that's that's what's happening that that's an important part of your life they can understand that but find ways for that to work find ways to model that as well and the other aspects of that relationship. With God prayer that how you live out that Christian experience of service that we talked about earlier all of those things coming together to let your kids see that. I'm just going to add a little bit to that there are a lot of mornings when my husband is reading his Bible and he has he has a hard time tuning out the noise so I'm in teacher I can ignore any level of noise if I put my mind to it to get a task done. I mean at some point I reach a point but I can do it Ben has a harder time pushing through and so a lot of times what he'll do is he'll say voice I need to study my Bible. If you want to sit with me quietly you can be with me because really all they want is to play with daddy. And so a lot of times all find 2 little boys sitting on my husband's lap in the Bible on the table and my kids trying to read the Bible to they're not always really quiet but they can they can sit still sometimes sometimes we read it aloud to them just so that we can hear our selves thinking they have something to listen to but there are ways to include our kids and that doesn't mean that you never take that quiet time away like he was saying because we need that too we need to be fed in a in the optimal environment when we can but. In reality that doesn't happen for all parents every day especially when your kids are really young so let them see how you work at your relationship with God because they're going to need to know how to do that too in the future so it's an important part of modeling. So already shared my little story about how your modeling all the time even when you're not necessarily trying even in the throes of morning sickness and. We all know we've all heard our kids pop out with something that we wished we hadn't taught to them accidentally you know it might be. The way we talk to somebody they might exhibit some attitude that they learned from us sometimes you just hear sometimes you hear in yourself have you ever opened your mouth and heard your mother talking or your dad talking. Where did that come from and our kids do it to us too my son my son Emmet one day. I was trying to get Ben's attention and one thing that we do as parents is you know little kids they do good with the physical cue right so sometimes we'll take we'll take our son's face and we'll kind of like get down to his level and look at his eyes and say and then listen or whatever it is and then pick up your toys you know just so that he knows we're looking at him there's I contact Well then realize one day when I meant took Ben's cheeks between his little tiny hands and pointed his face right out of them and he said Daddy you're not listening to me. And our kids are our kids are learning from us not always the things that we mean for them to learn you know we wish that what he was picking up was clean your room and what he was picking up is this is how you get people to listen to you. It works but there are there is a lot of hidden curriculum we're teaching things that we're not trying to teach the thing is that we do are the things that we're teaching not the things that we say we should do not the things that we wish we should do and not the things that we tell our kids to do we're not teaching those things people don't learn a lot by being told stuff people learn a lot by watching stuff by trying it out they learn they learn in active ways rate so sitting and listening is great but if you don't see it in practice or put it into practice yourself you're not going to have a great chance of really learning it so. That there are a lot of things that we do and say and how we act and our attitudes in our demeanors that we're teaching our kids all the time without even thinking about it without intending to and can we be completely aware of every single thing that we're doing every single day you know obviously we can't. But it is important to be thinking about when I say that I want my child to share and then when I say that's mommy's that's mommy's that's mommy's That's Don't touch that studies where does that come in when does mommy have to share when does Daddy have to share and so maybe it's better to think about how you could talk to kids about some things are good for sharing and some things are not or maybe think about sharing once in a while. But it's just teaching those those things that that they're learning whether or not we're trying to teach Does that make sense so just. Realize that no matter what you're doing or no matter what you're telling your kids you're doing the things that the way you actually are living is teaching them the lesson not the way that you say you want to live. If you're trying to instill patients in your children. And I think I say Hold on hold on hold on about a 1000 times a day to each of my children do you tell your children to wait I mean we have to tell our children to wait sometimes right because I can't make 2 sandwiches at once I can't you know instantly have dinner on the table it takes time the things that we need to do take takes. The things that we need to do take time so sometimes weeding is important. But when we say that the things that we have to do can't wait. Only they have to wait or at least that's what what they see then that's sending a different message wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait mommy has to go hurry up hurry up hurry up hurry up hurry up. Do you see what I'm saying you know a lot of times it's oh you want to go to the park mommy has to finish this we're going to do this we're going to do this I have to do this and need to make a phone call oh wait a minute sorry I need to talk to daddy for his 2nd wait wait wait Ok now we can go to the park but hurry up we only have 10 minutes now. We've got to get home we do a lot of that to our kids and so teaching patience. Is something that I know I've recognized in my own parenting that I teach a different lesson often than what I'm actually trying to teach them I'm so just being aware of that those things that we're not really thinking about that we're teaching but we are by the way we act. And so when one thing that we can do to be a little bit more aware and intentional about what we're teaching our kids is we can think about core values and you can't you can't be really intentional about passing your values onto your kids what if you haven't decided what they are Ok and we all have values and our values presumably as Christian parents are values that are in support of our main goal which is a saving relationship with Jesus Christ does that make sense to everybody so we talked about discipline being one of those pieces that kind of helps us get there to our main goal. Core values are another piece that helped us get there so. But you have to you have to know what your values are in order to be intentional about passing them on because you're probably passing on some values that you don't realize that you're passing on so if you really think about it. And form some family core values that are articulated specifically for your family then you're going to be set up just like having a plan for discipline helps set you up better for a better success having a plan for your core values help set you up for a better success so we're going to talk about that and this is like they're kind of tiny because I was trying to fit a lot on a slide guys I'm sorry. But but these are some examples of family values now. There is in your handouts under I think it's under the speaker information for this there's handouts and there is a family values family court values work she. That you can feel free at home you can print it out you can do it online you King There's also a link to it in the session to handout resources handout there's a link to it online and if you click that link it'll take you to Google Docs and it will make a copy of it for you in your in your own Google Drive. But you can make your own family core values statement and this is something that I really recommend that you do because Ben and I. Hadn't done it for quite a while and we did about a year ago now and it was really helpful just having the conversation and sitting down and working through it because even though we're we're on the same page a lot of the time I'm going to be honest we're blessed that way but sometimes we think about things very differently because our families of origin are very different from each other the way that we were raised is pretty different from each other in so we approach things from different directions sometimes and so just having the conversation really helps but I'm going to ask you to raise your hand if you have a really good idea of like 4 or 5 core values for your family. A few there are a few How many of those if you have written them down Ok how many of you have discussed them with your spouse or your partner if you have one Ok so it looks like if you have thought about your core values intentionally you at least talk to them talk to your spouse about them or your your your partner and and here's the thing guys a lot of us haven't done that and I think. You know a lot of successful people have made it through life without having a family core values statement but I think it's a good thing to do because because it makes it so much more. Tangible and achievable and it just makes it so much easier to work together as a family toward your goal if you're all on the same page so you have to get it out of your mind and out into the world on a piece of paper so 70 percent of Christian families Christian parents that were surveyed said that the have core values as a family they have you know some strong values only 30 percent of them have really articulated them Ok And it's important to to articulate them 1st of all at least with your spouse. And especially if you have older kids you want to be talking about it's not a secret right this is not like secret information it's not a proprietary blend that you can't share with your kids you don't need to hold on to this information as parents share it with your kids these are our family values this is what is important to us and there's yeah there's absolutely no benefit to keeping it inside your brain you want to out there and you want to be on the same page with the other people in your family on that. Especially your spouse so. So sorry lost my train of thought. Ok so what I want you to do is I want you to share at your table and I want you to kind of like look at these examples of family values they're broken down into sections so they're spiritual and religious values there's character values civic values social values work values in home values and this is not even close to being an exhaustive list it's just supposed to sort of like kick start your imagination. And these are pretty some of them are pretty. Specific values some of them are more general this is supposed to be a more specific list so. You know even something like. You know oral health could be on this list rate so it would include things like this is why we brush your teeth because oral health is important to us Ok so it's kind of a specific thing now you might be imagining that you don't want to go through a list of 87 values for your family every day at your family meeting that's not the thing this is a set of more specific values which ideally you would boil down into maybe a set of 4 or 5 but I just want you to kind of look at this list think about this you can choose things from this list you can choose things from your own mind. What are some values that are important to you as a family what do you like about this list what is and what are some things that this list kind of inspires you to think about as a core value and if you are one of those people who has articulated a core values list maybe share your tips for doing that at your table so I'm just going to give you a couple of minutes to talk about some family values. Ok this this could be a very long discussion right because there's really marriage to pretty much I mean pretty much if you're in this session you're going to have a lot of overlap of common values right so we could talk to each other all day about this. But I would really really encourage you to take the work see it's really simple it has the steps. For how to go through this process. And I thought I had the stops on a slide also apparently I don't but. You you can find the steps on the handout but I can talk to you about them really quick so 1st of all if you make a list kind of like this one that's on the screen but personal for your family so what are your what are all the values just spit a mile out on a piece of paper. List all of them and then. Narrow it down so how Ben and I did that was we clum to ones that went together together so we kind of categorize them maybe a little bit like this like oh these are character values these are work values Ok then. We took our our values and we. We boiled them down into kind of category values so so for our little boys super simple super simple because they need to be able to understand a word doesn't mean anything to them so are our family lists of core values that we actually talk to a kids about is love God love your family love other people and love yourself. Ok So for example so when we talk about brushing our teeth if we have a major toothbrushing melt down we don't say brush your teeth because you know Ginger Vitus is really bad and you know ultimately it's a risk factor for so many other health conditions in your Kirti over ask you are held is really important to us you know we say. Brushing your teeth is one way that you love yourself because you're taking care of your body and it also shows your love for God because the only spirit can live in your body and we want to keep it healthy so we relate the little things to the main core values does that make sense to everybody now you're probably going to want to be a little more. Advanced if you have teenagers. You know but I honestly love God love yourself love your family and love others works. But do what works for you and kind of put those all those little things that you can't possibly talk about each of them every single day put them into categories and those mean 345 categories those will be your core values does that make sense these are not necessarily core values these are good values that. Fall under the umbrella of your core values so. So then you do that you you make your list you narrow it down then you actually start talking about it so we started talking about our kids this is is this showing love for God How can we show love for God in this situation talking about it and that helped us a lot with what we were talking about earlier with using common language with our spouse we were both talking about love God does this show love for your family you know any interest made it a lot simpler for us to communicate as a family and then pay attention to values related growth Hey I love that I didn't have to remind you to brush your teeth last night you're really showing love. For yourself you're taking care of your body I love that you know pay attention to it and talk about it. And then also what we already mentioned just identifying the values that you're unintentionally passing on and and and try to be aware of those little things when they start popping up in your kids you're going to know. Yeah they caught on to that so how can we turn that around how can I show them a better way. Varna research. I did some research just this last year where they tried to figure out what attributes of a family help them best pass on their values to the next generation and especially how do they pass on those religious values and so they studied a bunch of different families and they came up basically with 4 different quadrants of families those who don't seem to have any like family worship they're not reading the Bible they're not praying at home and they only go to church occasionally so unsurprisingly we're not doing a good job of passing on that relationship to the next generation then there was the next group who they went to church regularly but not a lot of worship or prayer at home again did not do very well at passing on those beliefs to the next generation the next group and you would think this would be the one that would be doing a fantastic job they went to church regularly they had family worship they had devotional life they had prayer and still they were not the group that was best passing on that to their children there was a 4th quadrant and this brought in one more aspect and that is hospitality they were bringing other people into their home they were also still going to church and having those family worships and prayer and Bible study all of those things but at 1st when I heard this it completely caught me off guard because it's not the kind of thing we think about but I realized that 4th quadrant makes sense because this is how your kids see the way you live out that relationship with Jesus Christ how does this affect our relationships with those around us our relationship with Jesus Christ our relationship with every single person in our world. So model this to your children because this is the one thing we want to pass on let's pray dearest Heavenly Father. God you have modeled. What this looks like because you sent your son to this earth to serve us. You've modeled what it means to be a loving father you have modeled what healthy relationships look like so God I pray that you will lead us as parents. As your dislike. To model but to those around us in your name image. This message was recorded at the g y c conference by many or by few in Louisville Kentucky do I see the supporting Ministry of the 7th Day Adventist Church seeks to challenge and inspire young people to take a sacrificial initiative for Christ to download other resources like this visit us online at u.s.c. Web dot org.

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