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Logo of GYC 2019: By Many Or By Few

Real Talk: The Morning After

Clive Coutet Charlene Coutet

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Ever had questions about the whole 'finding love' thing? Like why is it so hard to find that someone? Am I doing something wrong? Will my heart ever heal from the pain I’ve experienced along the way? More than just finding that special someone, how do I love them right when I do find them? What is marriage really like anyway? How do I prepare for it and how do I survive its challenges? Clive and Charlene Coutet desire to share their hearts with you and give real, honest and practical answers to many of these questions.

Recorded

  • January 2, 2020
    2:30 PM
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This message was presented at the g.i.c. com by many more by see you in Louisville Kentucky for other resources like visitors on the right dot org. I welcome guys. That's not what I want to press forward heavy thank you for bringing us back off to lunch I pray a whole experiment is a god is a god. And that way we get some hot she's going to marry a man. So for those of you who. Have been away at all haven't been away go to this website punch in this cone and you'll be able to up off the questions all like someone else with question whichever questions on the top those ones we're going to attempt to on so. I'm going to introduce our panel. Over here we have an adoring comment if you could introduce yourselves you know about me. You go. Oh. This is. We have been. Playing games. Yes we have been married for a while. Now we do after almost 6 years will be 6 years next month. We met when I was 15 and bowling was 13 Don't Try This At Home. And my wife was actually the one that brought me into the faith. So we might we might share a little bit about that one will answer some of the questions but that's that's the just you know anything that we don't have children yet but we do have 2 amazing cats. And next. To you. And these are the obvious couple in town. Mike and many here on. This. Monumental for us in terms of parenting we did a class with them so. It's been fabulous perspective so I wanted them on board to share as well because we really appreciate them so if you want introduce yourself a little. I'm Mike and this is my wife Melanie Qian and we have been married for about 27 years now and we have 2 children college age and high school age son and daughter and. Yeah welcome. Ok So number one question at the top is how do I know he is the one I'm going to point this one to Dean and Wally because they've been married for 6 years but they thought they'd seen when they were 13 and 14 I think is that the 15 going to point this one for them. The question how do I know that he's the one she's the one who he or she is the one I don't think that you do. I don't think there's a one I don't at least I don't think that there's one out there for you I think that you make the one you choose the one and once you've chosen someone they become your one and once you're married they stay as you are one. God willing but the idea of the kind of Disney fabricated idea that there's one person out there in the world that you need to spend your whole lifetime trying to find is impossible to believe just purely from a mathematical perspective there's 7000000000 of us how are you going to find the right one. So I think that idea in itself is incorrect. And that what we really need to be looking for is characteristics traits values is that we'll correctly collaborate with ourselves on our own values and make decisions from there but you'll be disappointed I think if you just wait. For one because they may never come to you good all right. I believe I found the one. Because we chose each other we are now each other as one and that's as that's so that's all that's all we need and that regard so that would be my answer to that question specifically. I was going to say we were talking about this. Yeah we don't think there is a one but also you just have to go by your non-negotiable is the things that you know you're not willing to budge on I want to go on with that and you've assessed the flaws and you've assessed the good things about them and if you're like you know what I think I'm willing to tolerate this and deal with this with rest my life is the one there it is so there isn't like this magical thing that happens you just have to look at what you have and if you are willing to go fully for the rest of your life with that person. So it comes to relationships relationships specifically when you're thinking of your future spouse or past spouse it's about character development that's going to help you grow the most and so for me the moment I challenge God and says that I never want to this this and this and this and this he had all the exact opposite from me which is who I married. So when you say things like that you one limit God and 2 you place yourself in a position where he's really wanting you to grow and typically that's where you need to be in a relationship because he wants you to grow and he wants you to go to gather in him so finding someone that allow you to do that together is the one I would reflect that and I agree with that in the sense that. When you are acquainted with numerous friends sometimes you can actually think could I roll with this person and I think I want to. I don't want to say it's a litmus test or one of these that I had heard that I my wife and I actually experienced was a travel situation. I've heard it said from the think of yours said once that if you can travel what was to say now if you can travels with somebody. For several days and not get at each other's back then you could probably grow them especially when things come up unexpectedly plans and goes well if you're in a certain organization and you know you see a characteristic of someone that reacts to crisis a little different than you would you know is someone that you can really grow with because of growth so they the title for this section was the morning after. It's more growth it's just the beginning. Just a quick one as well just because someone maybe there's someone in your life like this person is the one and you seen all of those things why not when you get to everything else you have you come to believe that God is leading that doesn't mean that they're going to stay the one. Just because you've entered into a relationship doesn't mean that you need to drag it the whole way to the altar and beyond. So analyzing. Too often we analyze at the beginning and we make a decision yet this is the person I'm probably going to be with we're going to spend my life with all the pictures on Instagram and we feel like we have to stay with them that's not the case you have every opportunity to change your mind until you say the words I do and so I would say continue to analyze don't necessarily over scrutinize because people have flaws but just because you think someone is the one right now doesn't mean they're always going to stay like that and you need to be constantly evaluating yourself as well. I think for me personally I realize Charlene was the one when she was ready to give up me because I wasn't playing God for us so I knew that for me that she was the one because she knew that Christ was a sense of that was it if I wasn't connected to Christ she wasn't interested but actually attracted me to more me to her even more those situation which arose when we actually 1st started dating and I remember was sitting on top of this nice hill and I also to be my girlfriend were out in the countryside and she said I said to my girlfriend can I kiss you. And she said No I knew in that moment he was the one because because the Bible says we must God off hots and protect us all right for her a kiss may lead to other things so she was willing to lie has self know next Christ with her number one and that helped me to realize that she was my number one because it wasn't about me it was about Christ so that kind of that it for me was saving. Me and I think when you got somebody. Like I said I recognize my. In him that actually exists in me that God was leading me to because I spent time with Christ and learning things through his work that really made my heart resonate and when I started to talk to Clive my heart started to resonate in the same way and I enjoyed my time with God I enjoyed the motional time I like the security of a Christ like relationship I like being with somebody that no matter what I do they're not going to leave me that's cards not just for me but for each and every one of us and then meeting somebody who had a similar heart in that sense I mean I know that no matter what I do Clive's not going to leave me and I touristic as I've learned in the. Buffalo wedding. To 2 months before getting married. Or 3 months before our wedding invites us and what it just you made decisions that I'm making not the person I want to stay with. And it's not. Much but created to God. If. I were having some my challenges here. And I want to help us. Thank you 2nd question. I'm seeing the order of these questions are changing quite quickly so keep liking them so we can get through the ones that you guys want to how do you know if you're being too picky. To start from the other side just. I think honestly I don't know if you can really know if you're being too picky. It's all for me I think it's retrospect because I like my wife had a vision of who I thought. The type of. Woman I wanted as my eventual wife so sometimes my When I was in college sometimes my friends and I my gentleman friends and I would have a kind of a rating scale you know you write about that before it's really not a good thing but we kind of did that on our i don't moments I guess you could say. But you see even with that you see how your friends have different priorities. I think that when I 1st met Melanie. She didn't match all my highest priorities I thought I needed so in a sense I kind of. Picked her out as not being. That I would be compatible with at 1st but it was so superficial at that time we met actually as did missionaries so we worked together for a whole year and it was during that year that I got to know her more and more and realize you know I don't really know what I need only the Lord knows what I need. So it's not good with those reading skills. And you know if you're being too picky. I think that the key to when you're evaluating intentional me is that you are surrendered so you have to surrender what. Criteria is you're looking at there are some obvious pressures that are that look or softly those are non-negotiable Those are given some of the other ones that are more there's the needs and then there are the ones kind of thing you have to reevaluate what are these wants and really how hard tent are these wants that and where do they fit that likely. Because you could be eliminating opportunities that the Lord has for you because in your mind you have put some of these wants above what as we saw happen in a healthy relationship or what the biblical principles for it really ends for a healthy relationship are so how do you know if you're being too picky I would say. Talk to you talk to parents. Talk to your friends talk to others who have gone before you and have marriages that you admire and and have some introspection where are my thoughts coming from what is actually impacting how I view the people around me and the potential you know males or females that you might be interested in and because you may not realize that you're being picky and so you need to have someone maybe. You know dialogue with you so I think having the wisdom of others especially your parents who've known you all your life. Would be a great tool to really understand where you're. Evaluating how you're deciding. Everything you guys were saying. I would say that if you're asking the question like I'm going to. You probably feel. Like if you actually get to the point where you're like Ok I've been like saying no to this person. Complete my thinking about that person and then you sit down and like am I being too picky. But there are obviously. He said some things that on the those things are not being picky so you also have to define for yourself actually so in the sense as as Christians as you know Bible believing Christians all we. We have peace and ready but then we also need to ask ourselves what about certain things that we're actually doing a bit too far with when it comes to being picky and this is not a guarantee that you are picky or doesn't take all of the picky boxes but I think if you have standards and there's things on your list that you yourself are not willing to be and you're being way too picky you know if you want to 10 other time or your time all the time you know if. You want to ph d. do you have a Ph d. you know you want to have side income are you willing to work for that and. You need to you need to be I would I would be a lot more picky about myself and make sure that I'm preaching where God wants me to be and then I have a great understanding maybe of what God wants to then bring into my life or whose wife he wants to bring me into so I'd start being picky with selves. So how do I know that marriage is for me what gets you to the point of deciding that you should be married. But I want. To probably is. If you're asking the question it probably is sickly speaking it probably is for you. I would say that and I qualify that on so by saying that I don't think there's a better way to prepare someone for heaven than marriage and so if Heaven is your goal then marriage is likely as a likely on God's list of things that he's going to bring into your life to try and ensure that you're actually going to get in the almost 6 years that we've been married I've seen just as as a skill I said that. It's all about your character and when God brings you into a marriage he's bringing us that marriage to work and to work on your spouse's character in the hope that you will actually make it to the kingdom so if you're interested in being in heaven and having that close of a relationship with Christ this is a good way to test the waters and have that close relationship with someone and see see how well that goes as not to save your marriage breaks down not going to heaven. But I just think it's a good indicator and it's a good it's a it's it's a blessing it's a major blessing and I know that God is using it to get me where I need to be. Grete I just have one question Do any of you know someone all all that person that have said I am never getting. The financial plans. So usually helps of people the ones I get my best. This is the well I can put this will of like I'm never getting married and then you do the same thing happened to my sister she's right there has been missing in it so I just wanted to point that out with this question that people have this marriage really for me is my how you just. Just going to life not making promises and there's a I'm never going to do this I'm never going to do that and just let God lead to let him lead and where are you going. I just want to resonate again with what Dean said about it's a blessing and why wouldn't any of us find part of a blessing if that's a blessing the Lord wants to give to you and so it's not necessarily you know. Something that you want to deny God or yourself or that person that the Lord would want you to have so I think is marriage for you I think it's a blessing the Lord would like to give to make people in less they are very convicted that they really want to live 100 percent they feel like they kept or they don't want to be distracted by a relationship and they want to give 100 percent and there are some people who have successfully done that but I think when we look at the sixty's creation we see that that was definitely one blessing he does want to give to everybody. I think our Lord is the lord of fulfillment he wants us to be satisfied. And I think if that if his direction for your life is to be one of marriage then that is one of the paths of trade I truly believe that being also is a it is the path to know more of his love through his institute of marriage. But if it's a lord. Choose your path or direct your path not toward marriage I think that his plans for you are going to be just as for knowing if you know more so for you and that mission will become you will become your spouse in that mission. Very intimately. So how do you get to know someone before dating without seeming flirty or to. Just the best there's a good way and there's a but 1st a very very descriptive. Ok. Mike mention we met as student missionaries in Japan and I had just. Before I left to go to Japan I've just. Come from a very. Bad break up so I had decided Lord this is your year I want you to have all of me and I don't want to be distracted and so the basis of my relationships with all the other student missionaries was as coworkers. Friendship and working together side by the same intent and I think when you do that at least in our personal relationship I found that when you are real loud and yourself and you're focused on what the Lord is asking you to do no one's ever going to question whether you're flirting or not if you're getting to know one a ship one another as you're working side by side you're doing that and as you're doing that there are things are going to pop into your head in terms of character and that character could be just based on friendships or it could be that's a character trait I would like to have and somebody that I want to spend with the rest of my life not necessarily that person so you begin to ask yourself and look at those things without necessarily looking at Ok that's the one here and 10 when you are out there serving the Lord your intent is that. Then you will become organic at least for us that's how it was got to know each other and as we got to know each other working side by side we began to respect and admire the traits we saw each other and we continued to get to know each other throughout that year without any. Motives per se we were there for the sake of others and it wasn't until after a year that things kind of went to different direction I think if you off finding that you were having to put on this like extra show of please notice me. Then you probably are being a little bit too excessive if it's not natural and he said like organic it flows if it doesn't if it doesn't just naturally just overflow out the person that you are putting on a show and you're forcing it I think you shouldn't have to. What's the word volume wise parts of your personality just to be noticed if they can't notice the little nuances of who you are then if they're not ready to see you for who you are because you them becoming somebody that you're not and then the pressure is on you to keep sustaining that facade and if you do eventually get married or something people like a good match this person they suddenly changes like no they actually just thought I just don't need to try anymore I can let down my God And then that's who they actually really are it's not who they are I think the danger that comes now a lot of our getting to know each other is on social media and it's kind of it's not in face to face in the same ways that it necessarily used to be and you can be whoever you want to be online I could literally be any person I want to in and you won't know. And that's the danger of being able to get to know somebody I think in a there's another question that kind of links to that if you're going to do like online dating or different things like that I think it only works if you truly Covenant to be your true authentic self and there's also the the question if the person is out there being the true authentic self I think whenever you're trying to interact with people if you're having to put on a facade and you have to be super flirty like oh my goodness I used to create all this it's being contrived you're not being who God is made you to be and I think the confidence to be who you are comes by spending time with Christ and realizing just how precious you are and how unique you are you don't have to be anybody else you don't have to put on airs and graces to attract the right person because that's not how God works he reveals himself in vastly different ways it's not a contrived situation so if you feel that you are being. Thirsty. Than happy to drink at the fountain of Christ for you try and set someone else. All right next question. Now Drew how far it is to fall. And we have we have some seats at the front as well for those of you that are standing at the back if you'd like to sit down we do have scenes that shy again by. The Question and Answer boundaries foundries How far is thing for I mean the easy answer is you know the Bible gives principles and therefore just stick within those but some things are kind of gray sometimes the Bible doesn't say that you should not kiss before wedlock or anything like that. But the. Sometimes we excuse our behavior by the fact that there isn't a specific event saith the Lord on that issue but the Bible will always give principles and it does say of the what is in those principles and in you correctly interpret ing those principles so when it says that you should not awaken love before it's time and that's a principle that's that's not a direct therefore you can't do this that God saying here here here's my word now you need to take this and understand it in your own context so for some of you you might be awakening love before it's time by holding hands for some people that's a big no no I'm not going to hold hands until I'm married that's that that's you that's all you need to be comfortable with for some people the line is kissing for some people the line might be beyond that I don't know but. I would say don't act just on the fact that you might not see something black and white in Scripture take God what is a hole and apply those principles to your life honestly do it on a sleeve don't look for a way out I think it's always better. To have the line your line be closer than it actually is it's better to be safe then to be extraordinarily sorry. And to be playing catch up for the rest of your life with bad decisions that you made because there was a line you just chose to ignore it so it's very hard to give specifics on this kind of question and so that's where it takes your understanding of the word and your understanding of God or His character. The experience that Dean and I had was one that. When we got together there were. Some boundaries but there went you know. Depending on where you guys see you about your line is before us there were some boundaries but not all boundaries so. I got together in our relationship we would kiss. I feel that that kind of. Spiritual experience was with God and there was this point in our relationship where we ended up going to this evangelism school and you know taking doing training we spent hours and hours doing Bible studies and going doing evangelism and stuff like that and so boundary was there. To the point when we went to the right school we had the boundary to his soul and so what I say you need to see how again how God is leading you in your life and how your convictions are sometimes you you may enter into a relationship where you think you know your boundaries and then you realize actually no I need to set the the the ball I need to do this in order to keep myself and the person next to me is safe does that make sense so. It's hard to do this don't do that it's up to your personal experience but you also said I think it's better to be safe than sorry. I agree with that my advice would be set your boundaries before you get in the relationship. Because once you get in a relationship everything gets very cloudy and foggy in this city and the person looks you know like an angel and then that's a very dangerous time to start setting boundaries so if you're not in a relationship now is the right time to set those boundaries and don't let someone come into your life and shift your boundaries because then you've given them a way to access which way too much access way too soon. So as it is here it's easy to think of Mt trees as like the physical boundaries but for those of you heard the 5 love languages you know we each resonate with a certain type of love language and so I want to just generalize here but for females it might be the time and the opening of the heart that really the interpret as love and that's what gets them going and that's what gets them into a deeper sense of love where for the male It could be. The touch and that's where they're at so now you've got 2 different types of Love Languages going on but the boundaries for them are all they're both very different so I think when you have to really understand who you are your experiences and and how does that relate to your character because when it comes to relationships especially as you're moving into different phases of a relationship. Will change because you 1st get to know each other and maybe the boundaries is time how much time do we spend when we're just struck me get to know each other especially when a love language to one person maybe time and that's expressing to them I really love you yet that might not be which are really wanting to express so really taking the time to evaluate each other isn't and how they interpret their love language is important and then from there decide Ok this is what's going to touch my heart and so I need to know what I need to guard it and you need to take responsibility for your heart as well as the other person's heart as you set these boundaries and understand all the different factors as a factors are your own family dynamics your past history your past experiences because once you start passing that emotional physical and even the spiritual you know spiritual. Intimacy with one another also can. Really draw you and fog things up with other aspects of the relationship so you need to pace yourself as you're going through the stages of a relationship and look at all those aspects of boundaries not just the physical because it's more than just the physical. I just had a short thing always seek counsel with a trusted godly couple that you me my Or or with God The friend because when even if whether you're already together or whether you're thinking about someone worthy or just me right here any of those times would be an appropriate time to speak with a godly friend because of this in the thought of already or a vision of another person in our mind a lot of times our perspectives start changing and those borders start changing and some it's good to have something that would hold on to sleep around you and say. You know what's the whole situation here and be real with you Ok following on from that. I have been struggling with establishing boundaries with the opposite sex how can I do this in a Godly way so I think a Bible text that resonates with have human ones are saying which kind of ties 2 questions together as problems for 23 above all else guard to your heart out of the issues of life it's very easy to look at the boundaries that other people say like to mention that for some people holding hands is a problem I think anything that's going to awaken love before it's time and the thing that's going to lead your mind to like wanting further kind of intimacies before marriage those are the things that you should stay away from for some people holding hands does that the mind's just as well it's not a bad thing if that's just the trigger I'd say God your heart don't don't hold hands. For other people just sitting next to each other with the shoulders pressed together like this the mind's love is being awakened it's something that is doing that in the New know how your body feels if you want doing something you're in a situation where you've experienced situations that are awakening love before that time you're not in that committed marital situation don't do it kissing is something that obviously there isn't a valid shall not kiss before. Getting married but I would see this being a very big challenge that you can kiss somebody without your body being awakened by biologically it's designed to react and get going those situations are very much lead to what we were talking about and other sessions where you start to burn and you eventually can become consumed you may be able to ride the waves of emotion for a 1st time you may think my boundaries Ok I'm in control when you start to awaken love before it's time why is that council given. That we're not supposed to awaken love like a torch as opposed to just that only a certain time and place for I believe yes because if you waken in a sphere where it cannot play itself out in a very safe and a trusted environment where you've got commitment through marriage you're giving of your most intimate self the Holy of Holies place and you burn and it will die out because there isn't that foundation that marital spirit that gives it that that safety So say if you're struggling to to. Establish boundaries you need to take a step back so that you have the space to breathe pray get back in communication with God because He will allow you to establish that the veil that we spoke about each and every person's veil is going to be erected in different ways the certain things that you're going to need to God more so because you're all individual so I say take a step back pray about it. I read through those passages. Proverbs for 23 especially. Ok that question is it true how a guy treats his mother is how he's going to treat his wife. Not always and it's again it's too easy to just make these blanket statements and just come out and start judging everyone because of how they are with their mom. You know is there's there's a belief that you know who have a mother is that true the daughter is so deal like that probably not. So and maybe you do that's great but if you don't you're in trouble. So I think that some of these things can be good indicators like if a guy is really disrespectful to his mother or a. Lady is very disrespectful to her father. I wouldn't even think oh yeah they're going to be like that to me and I wouldn't even want to be near them I would just be like it would even get to the point of what are they going to be like to me I'm like why you why you so why you so that you know. It can be a good indicator at times but not everyone has a good relationship with their parents that doesn't mean they're not going to have a good relation with their spouse on a personal level I have a somewhat good relationship with my mom that doesn't mean I have a somewhat good relationship with my wife my mom and I have been through things that we're still learning and still going through things that my wife and I haven't been through and we've been through things that I haven't been through with my mom and so there's not always a direct correlation so I wouldn't be so quick to judge someone on their parents or how their relationship is with their parents. 100 percent of the time but I think it can be a good indicator at times to look at it look at it from the positive standpoint if a young man is very respectful and polite and loving to his mother as a good indicator that he will be that to you the same with if the young lady is like that's our father but if it's not so great that doesn't necessarily mean you know you need to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Incident so it says here how do you deal with negative input from people outside your relationship especially family and close friends how do you deal with negative input from people outside your relationship especially family and close friends. So I mean kind of depends what context you're asking the question in so are you in a relationship that your parents really really disagree with. If it's if it's that way should we go should go that way Oh I don't know. It was hard because my parents. My sister loves. It anyways that we used to so I 1st my mom absolutely hated him. And how did. You marry him. Right so on that point. I was in an Adventist obviously when we got together and didn't like that and how my magical How about this mom had a checklist for her daughter and if you don't think your parents have one of those you're absolutely wrong. You have a checklist I. Destroyed the church and so they need to take the boxes and so how did I deal with that I knew that she didn't have their blessing. To be with their daughter I needed to with them. I needed to win their hearts as much as I needed to win my government and so I took every opportunity that I could to shoulder them that I wasn't actually what they thought I was any and and I mean I was like over the top like we had this thing remember when the London riots happened so the London riots happened like in south London and don't parents live in north London nothing really happened in north west London just a few a few stalls go bug but in South unlike the whole place just got terrorized so I went way over the top and went to her parents' house and left them a note and say listen you guys need to be careful because bad things are happening in London and I left them like a little gift and told them to call me if they needed help nothing was going to happen to them nothing but I wanted them to know that I 10 and that I was like I was not some lose a guy. And so I knew I had to win them and sometimes if the people that you're concerned about outside the relationship of close to you. You have to kind of shoulder who the person is sometimes and this is not a I wouldn't be able to put a racial percentage on it sometimes they're. Sometimes they can see things that you can't see things this goes back to the point about getting counseling sometimes your friends and your family members your parents sometimes can see what you can't because they're not clouded by love in the same way that you are sometimes love can at least at the beginning be blinding And so having and a perspective outside of your own isn't the worst thing but also there is the more relationship progresses the more this subtle tightens and the less people are allowed into that area and so right now with my family had a problem with my relationship with I couldn't care less because this is our relationship and we're doing this the way that we think God wants us to do this and if there's people on the outside that don't like that sorry your almost 6 years too late. So it's good if you're not if you haven't taken that step it's good that you have. People but that doesn't mean that everything the saying is right will that you need to listen to everything this relationship is primarily between the 2 of you and a lot so if there's a lot of negative influences do with them the best way that you can and get on with your life. I think what I was trying to get to was just what. Concerns me and whatever the device may be even just be respectful. Of. Your Is that situation especially if your family doesn't agree with the present you with sometimes is. Sometimes a reason to be. Not because they don't have a solid reason it could be as simple as you know I don't like the way he walks I don't know saying the some family members actually do that to the point where they don't have a reason but they just keep on going like that but one thing that will make make it was if you stop getting. Defensive and rowdy and just negative towards your family member something is going to just listen. And just pray about it and sometimes let let go and let God do His work so in regards to our relationship at the time I didn't care I couldn't care less about the faith I was just in it because it was what you know is what you know you grow up to know I didn't I didn't have any past the relation of all that time and that's why I felt like that wasn't. That's why follicles find my mom. You know say certain things and I would sometimes get riled up about it and I felt like that didn't help the situation sometimes it's just best. With your family to just not get all defensive with them that's what I will say. I think that they know you the people around you the people closest to you for a reason you wouldn't be close to them if you I mean your parents or your parents but your friends you've made those choices to be around them and if they see that you know maybe this relationship is changing you or you becoming this other person they see and know who you wore and you may not see that you're losing yourself as a situation where. I like this guy and I spoke to my dad about it and he saw them is like oh I don't like his shoes i'm like to have how unbelievably superficial. But my dad is not well he didn't quite say in a way that. He said some of the things like I didn't like their stories carrying him so it was his way of trying to say to me I don't think he's the right person few by totally dismissed him because I thought it was a superficial thing to say and then I went and said the same thing to my mom my mom is one of these incredible people that just know things like she's she just knows so I always come to him like mom I like this guy. But my mom doesn't say much but when she says the word but it's like that came over. So I came with the same guy that my dad didn't like the shoes she's like he's a very nice guy you think he's very nice Is this but then she just said I don't think he's the person for you I want that mean mom and she's like I know who you are and it just doesn't seem to work and I continued to pursue this for a few months and it turned out that both my parents parents were right but the way that they said it to me I was kind of more I was kind of watching with a guarded heart because of what my mom said because the way that she said it to me so I think just flipping the question like outside on itself if you are the people that have a problem with your friends. Relationship the way that you speak to them and the way that you approach them can very much determine how they will take that advice if you come with like a spiritual reason my mom's reason was much more carrot to grounded spiritual ground so I kind of took that a bit more seriously and all of the things that my dad outplayed and I finally worked out what he was trying to say it was the same thing but. I think the way that we answer these questions or speak about our concerns like you think doing that human kind of just blasted you a bit about that you can kind of get your back up against those things but bottom line is the people that you have around you that you've chosen to be in your close friends influence they know you for a reason and I wouldn't be really silly just to completely lock them off your whole support group just for this of the one person what can they see that you can't see. So I think it's wise to kind of appreciate what they're saying and to realize that your family and your people the venue the longest they know you and what's going to be good for you so I wouldn't just dismiss everything because if that relationship breaks down and you end up by yourself if you've locked off your whole support group what you have. There for a reason. And I say take the time and weigh up according to God a lot of times if we've got in situations where our closest people are worried for We've probably let go of course somewhere along the way if what they're saying has spurred chills rounding if you were the good Godly man and everyone's up against you well then that's just slightly different but usually that doesn't happen. So. We wanted some of those questions we wanted to talk about for me the reason why this topic came up and we thought about this the seminar was growing up in chat like I said I had a super disillusioned idea of what I thought. The chances of being happy marriage were because I didn't know any marriage in my life that I could look at and like I want to emulate this I knew I wanted to be married to a good Godly man I wanted to be happy but divorce or just unhappiness to seem to be the pattern I could see and I kind of approached marriage with the stick list of what not to do or how to be and I didn't have this. A place where I felt like I could go to talk to somebody about what it meant to have a good Christian marriage what does it mean to be a good Christian wife so I approach my wedding day you know you've got the wedding night you've got the whole 9 yards and what did I go and do where did I go I went on forums to be like whoa what happens what must proceed to do now because like I didn't know who I could go to. To find good spiritual counsel and I had fears approaching marriage fears of whether or not you know this is the right thing to do and I just wanted us to talk and share like obviously we made that decision to enter into marriage together we've all had we've had our relationship journey what brings you to the what was the the fears that you found that you had entering marriage and how did they outplayed themselves as you developed in your marital relationship so you have the idea of marriage before. So that's a given example for me I had a fear of. Communication and being the person that says sorry. I don't say story I'm always right. So. There's a kind of you that I had and I always wondered how I had a fear of conflict resolution it was either. If I disagree or just this is always well. I'm not very. I just keep quiet about it. And that was a fear for me and that kind of out played itself in margin a very. I don't know negative Why did you guys find that you had issues with how you thought you'd be communicating post-marriage How did that work how did you get past that communication kind of thing. My background is I came from a broken family so I had fear going into marriage. Will this last and there was fears of infidelity that I had seen and friends and places where I worked and so there was that fear there and so. I would act out in ways but not really expressing what that fear was and so we went through a journey where I had to really come to terms with what this is that I'm afraid of and to do to communicate that to my and to surrender to the Lord because he can't really fix that for me there are things he can do to help me keep safe but if I have. This internal fear that is really just a deception of my own mind of things I have that I have experience. Only I can deal with that only the Lord help me deal with that so that was something that at the beginning of our marriage that I didn't realize I brought into the marriage and he didn't know I was ready for marriage as we worked through that this is where our communication was challenged he had to learn how to communicate security to me and I needed to learn to share with him and have faith in what he was saying and doing it was real and that I didn't always question everything and so a lot of that just came with the Lord having to heal me and teaching me how to communicate and communicate effectively and to trust you know that that that he's going to be faithful because he made those vows on that day. Ok I. Specifically. About communication. Before marriage. Expect. What is going to be expected of me so I grew up in a household where my mom has dinner ready for my soon as he comes home from work and she washes everything and they're happy with that. And it's something that I need to do but in my head I'm like it's like this is how. That's how I felt expectations and also before we got married. To go into ministry one of the things I told myself I would never do is marry a pasta. Like I was like. You better not. And then they have and so these I had. Like not being able to meet certain expectations for him as a wife and also just wife. And one thing that I think helped us so much and I'm going to be grateful is we had premarital counseling. Before we got married so. Once a month. 8 months until we got married. Was 12 hour session with one of the passes in England a pos that we loved and he was just amazing and he had a great family I want to do with you and. Counseling sessions that we had as a couple. It was amazing just. I thought like it was the foundation for marriage and it helps take away a lot of my fears so what I would say is please please if you're going to get. Someone that you can trust you know I would say probably impostor that you really like oh maybe an invention someone has a family that you just love that God and go into them and just see counsel for your relationship for me I don't understand for me it doesn't make sense that people go through marriage counseling when they're already married like when say you offer the counseling going to decide whether to stick together or not like that doesn't make sense but if you take if you do marriage counseling before then you still have the option of do I want to stick with this person or do I want to leave so that's something that really helped me with any visit I had going into marriage and I think what we're going to means about the counseling for is because of whether you're going to stay the relationship sometimes if you're in a marriage getting marriage counseling to help you with the marriage is still a very good option my fear before marriage I try think of it or think I had one is actually still my fear now almost 6 years into marriage which children. That's still the fear for me now with my family you know. You know out of I would say at least between the 2 of us I'm the one that wants children more right now and we just we promise to to God that we weren't going to have children until I finish my studies at least because that would be crazy but. When I when I think about it it still scares me a lot because. Your making another one of you. And if that doesn't scare you I don't think you know yourself well enough. So that's something I'm still coming to grips with like there's times when point something out to me and I'm like if I saw that in someone else it would drive me crazy and if I saw that in my own child it would drive me even crazier because I'm the reason why they're like that and so that's actually still a big fear of mine and something that I'm still praying to the more about help me kind of overcome because you know I forgot my child is going to be part of me and I kind of need to get over that but it's being from being honest is still a fear that ideal bringing children into the world that are going to reflect at least at the beginning stages my not so good parts that freaks me out we don't have children it gives you another dimension like we've got a 6 year old and a 4 year old and the so many things that you see is I thought why didn't I just surrender that before it became d.n.a. and another child like but the thing is that what happens with marriage is that. You start to see yourself more just the 2 of you you see aspects of your character that you realize you know there was no way I was making it to the kingdom and I thought Marty this guy. And that's what God wants like impulses you know if you can stay but like me you know we celebrate and just not get married and just do the work do the work but if you're going to get married you have to realize that in the previous session it was nice clothes that you wear that wedding day that is like the feast that old generals and and produce to do before they took their army to war they used to give a massive feast and there was loads of food there was loads of stuff because they giving over the last pleasures before they went out to battle where you would be denied a lot of things and I started to see the wedding day as that feast and that celebration before you go off to war you going off to war with your character and all of the negative aspects of who you are so if you're not ready to see yourself you're not ready for marriage and when you finally do get into that situation and you see who you are if you've not surrendered to Christ in your single life you're not going to prepared to give up those things as Christ is about sacrifice in the marriage all those fears that that we may have beforehand I had a fear of getting to the other side of marriage and realizing I made a mistake and I know there's a part of a passage in messages to young people I think it says where something along the lines of You should never. Say the words of you know I regret the day that I married you or something we should never look upon the day of our union with somebody and regret it but then I got to the situation where I don't know a couple of weeks weeks in who did I do up to that point I had 100 percent believe that got a lead in this this union but I was sat there crying my eyes out like this was the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life and I can't take it back. What do you do and I think a lot of those things came because of my view and ideas of what marriage should be because of what I saw from Walt Disney or the movies or different things but I think what I've appreciated in many of the discussions that we've had even through parenting and just chilling at home talking and what we do in our home is that we have very open discussions about the realities of marriage it's not what Disney you know walk of at the sunset with your nice pretty dress and your slippers on and you know live this perfect perfect existence marriage is not just for happiness it's for holiness and God is going to be shaping you a mold in you are wrapping your up against this person to chisel off all of those negative things so many asked me if this book was just for single people but it's not 100 percent for marriage as well because you have to revisit all of these checkpoints continually through your marriage and through that close relationship so you make sure that the things that you're giving up on your altar of the negative aspects of your character your spouses that help you get closer to Christ is there to. Experience the fullness of that that relationship that God wants to have with us throughout eternity our homes are supposed to be a little heavens on earth. And I absolutely can be that right when it's good it's incredible and the beauty of going to war is that you have the opportunity for victory like if you constantly of fighting through life together when you have that coming home and you realize that I've won the battle it's the most euphoric experience and that's why marriage is amazing. If you go to battle and you don't have the right tools you go out you don't have a sword you don't have a shield you're just like I'm going to go up to move no you're not ready if you enter marriage with no tools that's when you end up having no defenses against what the enemy is going to send your way he's out to break us up we can see that in the brokenness of our relationships along the way and we drag a lot of that into marriage a lot of the hurts and pains and they outplayed themselves in that way too but Christ is a restorer and if you have him as your sword and shield all of this is that you you have before marriage they will work it out. And by God it was saying and doing was saying as well and everybody was saying to be honest seek godly counsel to it beforehand we had the same marriage counselor the same pastor and he says the 1st session of a marriage counseling I'm here to break you up put what I thought you had to Leno is the process I need to go to so I can be right it's like my job here is to break you 2 up and he asked all of the difficult questions questions that you may not want to ask yourselves together questions that your parents may feel a bit you know maybe they don't ask you or your friends go to somebody who you know is going to give it to you as it is in Jesus and is not going to allow you to get into a lasting union was supposed to last for eternity without actually being serious about it some of the very foundational things we spoke about in our marriage counseling other things we fall back on even today we have a file that we lost in our move but like in The File this is that you're supposed to do this you agree to this and it is true. Having to please with a little thing but having somebody input into you before you make that lasting commitment is invaluable and if you found like we did that we just weren't resonating with losing each other in our marriage seek good Christian counseling as well we don't mind going to the doctor when something's wrong we still have such a to boo going when the something mentally wrong or spiritual wrong counseling is valuable we wouldn't be standing here today ridiculously happily married praise God if we hadn't had somebody externally in putting in a Godly way to help us to see each other and Christ again so. If you find yourself on a path to marriage which I pray all of you guys do make sure it's seated in grounded in Christ you can't do it any other way right. So. You know my view of the. Father we thank you so much. You. Gather. Us. This message was recorded at the conference by many in Louisville Kentucky. The supporting Ministry of the 7th Day Adventist Church seeks to challenge and inspire young people to take a sacrificial initiative. To download other resources like this visit us online.

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