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Logo of Michigan Camp Meeting 2019: As a Witness, Matthew 24:14

Mastering My Emotions with God's Tools - Part 5: Socially Acceptable

Laurie Snyman

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Conference

Recorded

  • June 21, 2019
    11:30 AM
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Father we just thank you for being with us all week we thank you for bringing the Holy Spirit to rest in these meetings we pray for the meetings that are going on right now and for the Sabbath that's about to begin tonight we thank you Lord that you've been with us that we've had a pretty safe week we've had a gracious week we've had mercy from you we've had forgiveness and that you want to bless our hearts that we can go away inspired and I just pray Lord that you will be with us as we talk today in your holy name Amen Well here's a letter from someone my coworker sits next to me in the office and he eats fast food at least 2 times a day he refuses to eat his food anywhere but at his desk and he will shovel 10 fries into his mouth at the same time and just continue to chomp on them incessantly he talks with his mouth full in front of customers and and while he's on the phone he chews so loudly I can even hear him when my doors close is slurps as large drink like someone is about to steal it from him and worst of all he sucks harder when it's all gone making loud gargling noises I've dealt for it so long I don't even think I ever have a taste for anything food ever again here's another one another letter my friend has the worst manners when we go somewhere with friends she ignores everyone and she's quiet like she's feeling angry she doesn't try to engage with anyone she gets on her phone and plays games right in the middle of our conversations and then when people are talking in their own middle of the story she starts to say what what happened when when did that happen and we have to re explain it to her all over again like we're supposed to always be on it for her I don't want to be around her anymore and I've been not wanting to invite her to places anymore Do manners matter really. Why do manners matter because we are representing Jesus right and when we are representing Jesus We do not want to offend We want to smooth things so that we have the opportunity to tell them things without having them be irritated at us each country and every society has some type of man or have you ever discover it how many of you have traveled internationally like in Korea you don't shake the right hand do you know about that the left hand is used for dirty things and and you burp out our meal in Japan but you certainly when do that here in the United States right and if you don't practice good manners you irritate people and so they aren't as open to what you're having to say part of being properly socialized in their culture is to learn how to eat properly and do certain things your conversation what you wear etc Because otherwise if you offend them you've lost what your influence it can be very important for missionaries diplomats foreigners to learn what's going on in certain countries because otherwise they lose their influence and it's important to be able to reach over across the cultural lines to make an influence on them for Jesus the Bible give some solid guidelines about practicing adequate and social skills and exemplifies Christ because remember Christ came here to our earth and did he follow some of the customs the ones that were appropriate he did the basic standard for Christian bed Christian educate I'm sorry Christian behavior is. 1st Corinthians $1031.00 so whether you eat or drink or do whatever or whatever you do do all for the what So that's our number one consideration and then our number 2 is not to offend our goal is to honor the Lord in every way so that we can have that influence if we are rude our influence is impacted and we are dishonoring God good at it is important so that you know we can create a connection with people haul traveled across many cultures remember all the cities and churches that he went to and he wrote I have become all things to all men so that I may by all means save some so it shows that he tried to be sensitive to what it was that people wanted him to do but the 1st thing is that we honor God and sometimes we can't always follow every cultural norm but it's very important to know that by the way I was down in the office just doing copies and some of you had wanted copies from the 1st day and I have them up here on the bench on the left hand side and that's about 20 of them for the people who didn't get on the 1st day the 2nd pile are the ones that you got for Tuesday and I have lots of those left over because I got more of them done but while I was there off the coffee machine came this golf cart etiquette I thought wow how appropriate and every golf cart person has to sign that they read the rules now we all know they're not obeying the rules would you agree. No carts in trailer area not going between trailers always look when you prochoice the stop area yes make sure that you never pass up the tram there's all kinds of things but there are rules that govern our rule our lives our life isn't there how many of you bend to an academy there are any rules there yeah and there's that idiom when you're in Rome do what Yeah do as the Romans do slurping soup is it appropriate in some of the cultures right how how much did that person appreciate that person at the desk that was slurping their drink not too much right so we have to be very careful firm groups in America may translate as aggression in Middle East did you know that. They're also accustomed to hugs and kisses they don't do handshakes most of the time you have to really learn that always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have something about gentleness and respect there's all kinds of things that they say but bad manners and poor etiquette is a distraction to the message we bere etiquette is not just about fussy rules laid down by some people it reduces the friction of interpersonal relationships some of you know what it's like to be around a foreign person that doesn't have certain rules and guidelines I got a big kick out of my son Carlo he brought somebody over from another country to be experienced when they were going to work on a cd now Carlo my adopted son is from Haiti and he was bringing this other friend from the Caribbean and he told me I think I laid down laws with him mother since he's going to stay in our house I said really what kind of laws did I told him don't you be going around naked like well thank you he said No I mean you know without a shirt and I go Ok And he said Nigella make your bed every day I'm like Oh Ok And he said and I told him I told him to make sure that he chewed with his mouth closed I'm like wow and I said How did you know that those are all mother I just know because I've been around here I'm like Oh Ok but I got a kick out of it this man seemed so fearful when he was at my house and and one day Carlo was so frustrated and it was because the man was making his bed and he took about 30 minutes to make the bed and get the pills just right but I think it's because he put all these rules on him and I felt bad for the man I didn't want to do it Carlo did but I just got a big kick out of it and he evidently you know we really had a good time with this man but. You know Carlos had laid down the rules for him so and he said oh and he said and and he also told them and don't hug and kiss my mother because my dad will not like it. So when he came in he went and then he went like nice to you I got a big kick out of that every time you talk to a stranger you make an impression. It can be good or bad right what could we give a bad impression of when we are talking to a stranger can you think of things no eye contact so you almost think that you are late k.g. and avoiding something actually I get to call in the suits when I work in the conference office and I get to sit at the table with all the ministers and I'm the only one in a dress and there's this long table and all I see is their knees pretty much so I call Royce and he says you need to come meet with the suits or something and we were interviewing a pastor who is actually a wonderful pastor in our conference and I said you know he had the right answers and I felt really uncomfortable though because he never looked us in the eye and you know even ask him if you want to eat lunch and he wouldn't look me in the eye and I thought what is he afraid of my husband said I'm going to talk to him about him you know how you just say something private now they're going to talk about it and. I think I could use his name. He said Mrs naman I apologize for not looking you in the eye he said you know I'm from Madagascar and in my country if you look somebody in the eye it means you're devious or you're out to get them or you're aggressive and he said even my mother when she was punishing me she'd say look me in the eye and he said and if I looked him or her in the I should say stop looking me in the eyes and he said I didn't know ever what to do and he said and because you're a female I just didn't want to look you in the eye because I didn't want any disrespect and he's so sweet we love him and he looks you in the eye now but it's something he had to work on right and of course I had the wrong feeling and he was just as pure and sweet as could be and I misjudged him because of a cultural issue. When you talk to somebody well when you look around here are there people you know just think they've all been strangers at one time and you talk to them and you're out of your comfort level and then you learn something and you've built a link from them to it yes and then the more you talk to them the link get stronger Isn't that amazing how many of you have met some new people up here this week and did you enjoy your involvement with them you know every day God gives us an opportunity to talk to people might be the tramp person up here could be the person who serves you at the canteen or the cafeteria it could be the people that walk down the sidewalk I asked somebody if I could say this they came up yesterday at the end of my meeting and they said I find this can't meeting to be rather unfriendly and I said I'm really sorry to hear that especially after we just talked about him the day and she said yes when I walk down the sidewalk I notice that a lot of people are looking down and they don't greet me or else they're on their phone and I never have them say hello Well let me ask you what is appropriate when you're walking toward somebody to do you know we should always look for their eye and we should always greet them right you don't even have to say hello you can go home oh you are not your head because you acknowledge people is not the appropriate way to do actually our teens are having a lot of problems with their communication skills because they have that dollar they don't want to look emotional like nothing bothers them have you noticed that that doesn't fly when it comes to emotional intelligence. They say that people should be able to read us and if we're having a bad time or whatever we should say to them I know I'm not talking right now but I want you to know that I'm just having a bad time or whatever and it's not about you it's about me I'm just trying to get over something we should let people know how we're doing and it's very difficult to be in relationships with people that you can't read that is an emotionally intelligent thing where we need to work on how we emotionally affect people each conversation gives the someone's perspective a new opinion to consider new information to process and it also helps us to learn about relating to people conversations can be antagonistic you can say now to the tram driver well it's about time or you can say thank you for my ride or you could say you should've taken the bumps a little better or you could say watch out that you don't miss anybody right in the end that they don't fall off when you go over the is so much different the way that you package things are you willing to take a risk and talk strangers. Because I have been encouraged you to do that several times throughout the session and I hope that you continue to do that we have really so little time to engage strangers My husband tells a story that I love and it was about a soldier that was coming home from the war his he was excited to get home it was a very snowy night he had stopped at a diner to eat he didn't have a ride and no one really would give him a ride and he started to walk along the road and there was a limousine that stopped and he thought well that's kind of weird and there was a man that wasn't dressed like a limo driver he was driving the limousine and he got into the limo on the guy said Where do you need to go and he said actually I need to go to Chicago and the guy said while driving to Chicago not a problem he said it's not really that far from here and all the way they were talking in this man kept thinking you know I probably should share Jesus with them but I don't know you know maybe you will drop me off it's a really cold night I don't want to walk and in this really dust slit area that I'm in and so he said that he just kept praying that the Lord would give him the confidence and finally he decided to share with this man Jesus and he asked him you know he said Jesus has been so special to me and he got me through this war and he helped me stay safe and and you know I prayed with people that were dying and I it was a great opportunity but I wonder if you yourself have ever given your heart to the Lord and the man told the limousine over and he thought here we go and then the man put his head on the steering wheel and he started to sob and he. And then he said you know I've been thinking about doing that for a long time and I guess Tonight's the night and I want to give my heart to the Lord so he prayed with him and the man continued to drive and he dropped him off at his house in Chicago it found out that the man's limo driver had taken sick and so he just decided to drive himself home and when he when the man took him to his house he gave them a card like a business card and he said if you're ever in the Hancock Building in Chicago won't you I believe it was the Hancock building won't you come up and visit me because we've really had a good talk and I really enjoyed visiting with you and so he said Yeah I'd love to do that sometime but you know how things go we got married and he had a child then he had another child and then he had to go to business and business to Chicago and so he found that building and he decided to go up to the building and he was. He went up a long elevator they said he was on the top floor and like a penthouse suite that some well the person who looked at the cards Oh Ok just go on up so he went up and it actually opened into the suite and there was a woman at the desk and he said Yeah I'm looking for this man and she looked at him and her eyes were really big and she said she said you looked you're looking for who and he said you know I'm looking for this man and she said just a minute and she she went. Into another room and she looked like she'd been crying and she came back and she said Could you tell me how you got his card and he said well he said I was coming home from the war he actually knew the very date that he got released from the Army knew when he was there and he said I was driving home with him is he not here and she said no he truly isn't here actually he died he was killed in an automobile accident she said What date was that that you you actually were meeting with them and he said you know the date and she said that is exactly the date that he was killed it was a terrible snowstorm that night he was driving his limo and he was killed and she he said well I want to tell you that I sat with your husband and he gave his heart to the Lord that night and she started to put her head down on the desk and she started to sob and she said I've been really angry for a lot of years and I've stopped going to church because I prayed for my husband to become a Christian for many many years and I didn't know that he ever gave us heart and I always have been angry at God that He allowed him to be killed in the accident before he gave his heart to Lord that to me is such a refreshing and sweet story I don't have all the details but to me we don't know who it is that we're impressing or impacting when we ask them and as callow my son my adopted son says what's the big deal somebody could reject you is that all they can do when you ask we need to be asking no matter what because we don't know what's happening the minute later to us or to them right we want to in teach our children also to be proper and advocate and to think about cultural considerations we need to teach them because they will get farther in life. Somebody was timing about their girlfriend they went to a rehearsal dinner at a wedding and their girlfriend just blurted out in front of everybody asking a very personal question of the bride and embarrassing her and he said you know I think that was the culmination of what's been going on in our life that she never seems to have the right words to say at the right time she seems to be never taught and I just decided that I'm not going to have her embarrass me for the rest of my life so you have to really realize that actually the way we act with people and what we say when we're in our make Dilla can be very hurtful and discouraging to many people you know those mindless annoying questions by the way don't you I went to a seminar I think it was a group from a.s.i. and they asked me to come in and talk to the teens on dating. And so we talked we had a great time I really enjoyed being with them and then one of them came up to me and said you know one boy he said you know I'm really really tall he said I go to church and he said Do you know how many people tell me I'm tall oh you're tall My Are you tall you must be able to see over everybody's head and he said you know after a while it gets really really old and he said I get really tired of that and this girl said Well I gained a lot of weight this last summer and people started telling me that like all boy looks like you've been having a great summer or something and she said it just really hurts me and one woman. When I go to church people ask me all the time do you have a boyfriend give a girl you know they ask Do you have boyfriend you have a boyfriend she said if I had a boyfriend i wouldn't hide them in a box and she said you know people ask a lot of things she said I brought a married friend church and they asked Are are you married are you married and she said yes and then she said she joined the church and then they were asking her over and over are you going to have a baby are you going to have a baby and then they ask you Are you going to have another baby and I'm just like we need to think about the questions that we ask and how discouraging they are to our young people we want to encourage them we don't want to discourage them do do you know what I'm talking about have you heard those questions and it's very very important so I don't have a white board because they changed my room and I'm going to ask you and I'm going to repeat it when you have social skills and you are meeting a person well let me see I have 2 ladies that are going to be meeting for the 1st time so they're going to do this little role play so let me say I I was at the administration building. And I left my Bible that's that's our little play here and I have asked my friend to meet my other friend who she's never met at the administration building and so they're walking towards each other and let's see how it goes nope you don't need to go yeah are you the one that I'm supposed to me. Oh oh hi I'm Ian see. I'm Sheryl's Nice to meet you nice to meet you here's the Bible the lorry needed you so much that was thoughtful of you so Ok what did they do right which they did a lot of things right what did they do they smiled they had eye contact they introduced each other that's a really good thing they were friendly Oh yes they shook hands Ok and. Did you see anything else in the etiquette line they were appreciative and they thanked each other Ok now we're going to do it but you have a 3rd person with you so now there are no it doesn't matter. Why I'm blinded by the light here I don't even see where you are Ok so now there's a 3rd party and she's coming to get that Bible Oh that's right it's coming to the Bible. It really was a violent mean to promise Ok So she's coming to get the Bible from somebody. And now they have a 3rd party let's see what they do so is it the same scenario the same scenario only when you have an extra person there and so let's see what you do are you the person who has the Bible for Laurie Yes but. I'm Nancy and I'm a good friend of Lori's My name's in this is my friend Sheryl childe Nice to meet you on nice to meet you too and Helen Nice to meet you I think I shook your hand already but that's Ok. Are you sure we'll think you later all right thank you you can go back to see Ok now so they had a 3rd person what was it that was important that they did. They introduced her right they should leave somebody hanging right have you ever seen somebody hanging in they don't know what to do and they don't know who you are and they're like because until you meet somebody you don't feel like you have the right to talk to them correct so very nice and again advocate introductions looking into the looking into each other's eyes and being kind Alright so let's say that you're meeting a stranger for the 1st time. Let's say you're at the meetings and programs over and you're still seated because you're waiting to get out of the row and you glance over and there's the other person what would be a nice thing to do. Smile that would be nice right now does anybody get suspicious when someone smiles at them and thinks that somebody is up to something there are people out there but most times the smile is very appreciated anything else introduce yourself because you don't know who she is and you don't know if they are visiting the campground what else can you ask them a question what could you ask Did you enjoy the meeting so something pertinent to what you're doing right at that moment right not what is your social security number. Or you know what is your shoe size that would be appropriate but something pertinent to the meeting anything else that you might say what church are you from Isn't that nice because you might find out that they're not from any church or that they need an invitation to a church so small talk that small talk now there are people who say don't do small talk you should get right into your conversation find something that you have in common. Because things when you have something in common with someone then you're much more drawn and that link is much tighter so let's just look at what they tell us are good social skills looking in the eyes you did good listening smiling body not stiff Have you ever had somebody come up and go oh all right hands you want to shake I'm comforted Oh have you ever had someone shake your hand to heart that's a concern isn't it actually can hurt people especially But you also what does it say to you when somebody shakes your hand very loosely and very disinterest. So that's an issue should we be our best clean appropriate while you know dress appropriate Yes All right here's some more. Polite puts other people at ease able to express feelings response to feelings able to start a conversation and gauge in small time here's what the what we're told in the Bible could you read that with me. Behold I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves so be wise as serpents and innocent as dogs does that mean that everybody out there is going to be friendly he sending us out there in the sheep but there are wolves out there somebody could misinterpret or do something wrong but we are still has to be wise where do we get our wisdom from God and we're supposed to be innocent as dogs so we need to be kind and expect people to be friendly and we expect them to have you know be friendly back so we don't want to be fearful it's all about us when we're being fearful Here's some more social skills speaking calmly you've had somebody talk to loud to you and you went Whoa right or. Not waiting patiently to talk that's a hard one for me I see listenings in there twice so I guess I need that's because I need to be reminded optimistic not pessimistic you don't go and say you know the world is a mess and I don't know if we're all going to live through it that's not a good thing to say to people you say wow there's a lot of things going on and you know I'm so glad that you know we're getting ready for the 2nd coming right the way you package something so what they've learned is that low emotional intelligent people have poor social skills you can't read them they're impatient they're poor listeners and high emotional intelligence are what we just were talking about so here's where they did some comparisons and I could have gone on with pages of this but let's read social skills when speaking if your high emotional intelligence is no interrupting versus interrupting. The high emotional intelligent person instead of saying do this get this done whatever they say I feel are you know whatever where the other one is always accusatory says you always you always do that right actually watch out and personal relationships those words always should have to. Must are often to get us anxious and so it will be a not a positive thing and in a conversation he uses information to understand and many times maybe a person would use information to manipulate or judge somebody there's also people who went there are also people when they share something of vulnerability there are people who will save that and keep bringing it up and reminding them of their problems so it's a manipulation So yes there are some people who are safe listeners and people who are poor you know that are. On safe listeners uses effective listening techniques where the poor listener might be on technology and technology or they may not be listening or they're looking elsewhere. Here's another thing this is where they keep talking some of the new things about when we talk to people they say skip the small talk I don't know sometimes I understand this is what they're telling you to do but I think that sometimes we're not ready to do big talk with people is how many of you feel that way so we kind of would rather talk about the weather till we get the feel for that person before we share something somebody was sharing about they were in a taxi cab and and the taxi cab driver was was not being all that friendly and they said you know you seem to have an accent you know I'm from and they so they share they said you know I'm from this other country and the taxi cab driver said we'll so my and by the time they were done with the taxi ride he wanted to introduce them to his daughter his son and thought she'd make a great wife for him to Pakistan and she said is now an amazing just because I decided to talk to somebody so we have the ability to interface when we take time one time my husband and I we were in Paris we were on a double decker bus and we were you know not talking to anyone on the bus but my husband is quite the you know he's really an introvert but he wanted to be a good witness so when we got hit at the arc of de Triumph whatever by a nother bus and we got stopped and we're making a police report we're just sitting there on the bus and it's hot and I'm tired I have my head down my daughter's got her head on me and my husband's like working in the Us So where are you from so where you from well that day I had said to my daughter I know you're really bored with all these buildings but I had this history teacher he was an amazing guy his name was Mr Said work and he could tell you all the history and who was married to who and I just wish that he was here some day because I think that he would really make everything really work here and so my husband said where are you from and he said well you know we're from the United States but we're visiting our daughter in England I said Mr said. And he said well yes I am how do you know. And I said you're my teacher at Sol field and they trade area in the in this in the late sixty's and he said well yes I was what's your name and I said well I told him my maiden name you know your father sold me a car and Balboa Oh and you're also male property in Jellicoe Tennessee and you know that all sudden our video camera was instead of saying here's the Eiffel Tower you can hear him say and what happened to Danny McGee and what happened to Becky Hogan what happened to it was just all these things because we had taken the time to talk I think we would have never known that he was on the bus with us and actually now we see m when we visit Florida and it's just we become good friends again it's just amazing but God wants to bring people to us if we're willing to do the work here's another thing when you're in evangelism they talk about ways to get to know people by using Forte and Forte is family occupation where your residence is and your testimony about how you came to Christ and that opens up conversations so that you can ask people if you want to pray if you can pray for them or if you can start a Bible study with them so know that these are all good social skills because we are supposed to do what according to Matthew 2239 Love your neighbor as yourself now what about meals when we are eating and somebody says House how do we conduct ourselves and you may say oh we are the know these things want to review them anyway because we have issues when it comes to potlucks and it comes to people's homes and I heard lots of nightmares about some of the things that go on so how are we supposed to act when we are in somebodies home what's appropriate to do you take your shoes off at the door I always ask if I need to take my shoes off but I think that's a really appropriate thing because there are people who really that's very important to them anything else. Do things their way yes so you might want to ask would you like me to help in your kitchen or would you like me to sit here on the couch and entertain guess what would you like to do how about when we're at the table appreciate what's being served and say something nice about the meal or even if it's something you absolutely hate you should thank them for making the meal and taking the time actually I heard a terrible story from somebody recently in Michigan that brought somebody home and the person went on and on because they had a plan and evidently they hated eggplant and they told the 4 stories about when somebody almost killed them with eggplant because they hated it so much and of course the main course had eggplant in it and she said after hearing it for so long she said fine she thought she would add some humor to it she took a piece of paper off the desk she take took a pen and she wrote Ok if I invite you again don't serve eggplant got that now can we change the subject and they went back and told another story about a plant so they did not get it we want to be appreciative of what people do when they're trying to have you over it is really gracious that they're sharing their food and their house with you right we don't need to think that our house has to be perfect in it and that our food has to be perfect Most people will enjoy the experience more than the food what the house looked like right anything else. So she's trying to be kind to people who eat differently than I have to really redo that. How about using a napkin would that be a good thing Ok wait for the hostess to sit down yes actually. I've been always taught that when somebody is serving you the dessert that you wait until the hostess is is done and then she sits down and I have watched people sit there and eat their dessert before she even got seated and so she sat there by herself with me so yeah so those are important things being respectful kind social skills do these things impact people absolutely we want to influence people for the Gospel very important one time my parents went out to pizza with my brother and I and it was in those days when those women wore those Caton taffeta. That were really wide and my brother was really messy with the spaghetti and he thought he had the napkin but he had my mother's dress and I think he probably put half of the tomato sauce that we had eaten on her dress and when she got up to go she had tomato sauce from one and the other and I remember how embarrassed she was to walk out of the ruts it was a very elegant road. But anyhow he didn't do it on purpose and it's been a good laugh for the last few years anyway so here's what we said use your silverware is not a nice thing don't reach across compliment the food thank the hostess always important to think when we represent Christ we need to think about our influence around people and we need to act so surely appropriate even when Jesus entered the house he would wait for his feet to be bathed he lived in Palestine and it was dusty and that was the culture it was also a cleansing thing but there were things that he could he could do that were appropriate socially appropriate and it wouldn't offend God so he would try to do what he could without offending their beliefs. Psalm 391 we need to be careful when we talk to people because let's read this I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin think that's an important thing to do all right role model to your children by the way children need to learn these things and it is something that is being left out and if we are practicing the fruits of the spirit love joy peace kindness goodness faithfulness gentleness and self-control we're going to be having a really good at it with people right because it's not all about us it's about them. God can help us face our problems in a healthy manner so I'm going to tell you we're going to divert a little bit from social skills and go to some things that I couldn't get into the lectures earlier because I think these are very important many times when we are not being healthy emotionally on intelligent we will do cognitive still store sions what is another word for cognitive thinking and distortions are things where we don't always believe the truth because we are not feeling comfortable with the truth so we try to avoid it and they can create not only anger frustration fear but also lent to our depression and our sadness feelings and so here is one when we are coping dysfunctionally and somebody tells us something is wrong many times we will do what denial and illustration is I'm not doing anything wrong only you are right I'm sidestepping it's not no it's not me it's you this is also about pride don't you think pride I don't want to admit that I have a problem and what did we say in here several times this week if we don't acknowledge a problem we can ask for forgiveness for right. And when somebody is defensive which is something that men stereotype typically do defensive the other person doesn't think they hear and they will continue to neg them until they get the point crossed so denial is an issue Ok What's another cognitive distortion What's another cognitive distortion blaming It's only your fault I told you that was stupid you're the only one with the problem it's an attitude like I don't care what you're saying I don't believe you it's not a problem for me and again we don't take any ownership now stereotypically that is women who blame and often they blame they kind of like to hear themselves do a lecture they aren't planning to get an answer back were an improvement they just kind of did this yang. Told you once I've told you a 100 times and I mean don't you have a brain in your head you know like. I do that pretty good and I think I've heard it now I think I've ever done it. I'm not saying number 3 another issue that we could have is what I write I want to make sure there another issue we could be having is feeling sorry for yourself I'm getting a raw deal nobody knows what I'm going through use don't know how hard my life is if you understood your to say that I have a hard life too this isn't fair and what happens when we feel sorry for ourselves we get healthier we get sicker we're on empowered it's like there's I'm a martyr everything is already happened it's in the past and know the truth is that every day is a new day I can choose what I'm going to do about it and sometimes when I feel sorry for myself I've given all the power to another person and I'm their slave number 4 is what. Excuse making if it wasn't for this reason I wouldn't have done it I wasn't late you just got you just started before I got here right again we're defending ourselves and yeah and often again people will negative because they don't think we get it number 5 this is going from something big and making it act like it's not a big deal you know that's really not a big deal it's called what minimizing sure I did something wrong but what's the big deal you're making a mountain not a molehill that really wasn't a problem everybody does it why should it be a big deal for me another words I want to continue doing the wrong thing and I'm not going to let you tell me something different so what do you think is the basis of a lot of these things cry self. Remember how we talked about narcissism the other day the opposite of what Mrs White tells us we need to do self-denial and the Bible talks about humility and it talks about and don't be arrogant tells us not to be in a haughty attitude and so symptoms of pride let's read symptoms of pride a person who has pride what wants to feel important craves attention are you with me wants applause and approval opinionated argumentative knowledge Balts is overly sensitive if you have any of these issues you're dealing with some pride issues right and member that pride can stop us from attaining what God wants for our life these are some of the things this came from a book by William Baucus called what your counsellor never told you William Backus what your counsellor never told you there is more that he less. Symptoms of pride are also being what critical controlling wants to be right wants own way not open to advice demanding refuses to cooperate egotistical Well that certainly describe some of us doesn't it we have to struggle every day don't we with personal life because we have been human and we really need God cleaning us up here is another thing that the Bible tells us and Proverbs 616-1000 I'd like to hear all of you saying this would that be Ok these 6 things the Lord hates Yes 7 are an abomination to Him a proud look can you see it a lying tongue hands that shed innocent blood a heart that devise this wicked plans feet that are swift to run to evil speaking lies and one who sews discord among the brother and I almost I kind of hid some of those things I want to make sure that you got those points so the 1st one was a proud look great Have you ever seen somebody goes. Right Have you seen that that arrogant like I'm better than you and feet that are swift to run to and see evil What part of their brain would be they be working on when they do that. You are there I'm so thankful Hardy eyes is another thing that is. Being impulsive again here's some more. Another problem with cognitive distortions is black and white thinking extremes that is that whether it's it's not a standard it's not a principle but I have all these rules you must do this you can't do this you have to do this and that is not true or I never get any credit you always get what you want you use those words that are also exaggerating and making people feel distressed and Romans 67 to 12 well there's a whole bunch of things in there but I'm only going to do this one and that is those in Christ will not continue in sin because every day we are to do what. To sell Here's another one catastrophizing this is where you make something bigger out of nothing do you ever hear somebody send their pure drama right they really make things big they make it all all about them and they say if you make me get help then we'll go broke for sure I knew you'd screw this all up right they make it big or heavy many member of the story of Chicken Little and Chicken Little was walking through the town one day is a fairy tale but a good illustration of catastrophizing and a pine cone hit chicken little so he told everybody that he looked ups in the sky and said The sky is falling so he told the whole village and they all took cover and they waited and waited and nothing happened and then they got out of their hiding place and a pine cone hit him on the head again and said while they said could it have been a pine cone after all that time. We have to admit that we have a problem and then I also want to let you know that sometimes when it comes to emotional intelligence especially if you listen to the Gryphon and to. Pastern I'm sorry Dr Nedney he says that we need fresh air sleep light and water and that also helps us with emotional intelligence just because we feel better we function better happy people focus on what they have an unhappy people focus on what's missing would that make sense to you I went to a seminar in Albuquerque on emotional intelligence and this man got up in the audience and he was listening to this not as it was very interesting he got up and he said you know I want you to know that my wife is low emotional intelligence she's got all these symptoms and he said no I'm really on happy I don't know how I can take this I got the feeling that he wanted the doctor to tell him yes you can get a divorce because you know you guys don't match or whatever and. She said so who chose your wife and he said well I did and she said Well could it be that. You have low emotional intelligence own no I don't said she said well maybe you don't have as low emotional intelligence as you did because usually people with low emotional intelligence matched the people that they choose to live with and did anyone put a gun to your head when you chose your wife oh no not that she said well that's interesting she said Well just the way you're complaining makes me think you have a few more areas to work on and then she said and you know that many times people will get better when they're around somebody who is healthier so why don't you just be more stable and work really hard and decide not to have an attitude and neg her and say some things and when you x. stable maybe show get a little better and things will be better for the both of you and he went Oh thank you all right now I did this last year but I would like 10 people to come up front would you do that you don't have to do anything scary can i get 10 people to come up. I just need to hold up a sign and I'd like you to stand right here. And you going to hold that sign up so that people can see it you can see what's on the back there I just think it's very important that we understand these things Ok I could use I think that's good enough Ok sure I could use you I can I like to use people there you go there you go you're going to you're just going to have science hold up the science and they can see that. Yes but we're only when I tell you so keep it down now. They have core thoughts that go along with scriptures you know like I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me or because I trust God completely no need to worry or God is my highest priority so make sure you have the typed one on this front so they can see it best all right so I would like you you you people I was thinking you ladies but ladies and man let's say that your r.v. gets a flat tire on your way home from can't meeting is there anything that you can use right now so that you can cope with this better Ok so why don't you put that one up yeah wait wait I will always know that's not that when I'm talking to her and so what is your saying I choose to be calm and peaceful Do you think that that would be a good thing when your when you've got an r.v. problem Ok how about this one God will meet all of my needs abundantly Can you show it to the last people there Ok we think those would work is there any others up there that you see Ok let's see that Ok you can put those down you find out that your your son has a child by as old girlfriend you have any ones that you could work on because I trust God completely no need to worry what else I will always choose to forgive since God forgave are these thing we need to have a plan about how we're going to think before we do have the problem happen I always choose to forgive anybody sells that goes Ok All right let's put it down you weren't invited to a family wedding so you feel very very hurt so. Ok put that one up I choose to be content and stable God loves me unconditionally so you know it doesn't always matter about my friends and how they acted whatever keep them up anything else. God is my highest priority because I can trust God completely no need to worry Ok God loves me unconditionally All right put it down a church member brags that they were able to skip taxes by cheating. I'm putting down things that I've heard that I choose to be content in stables that that could give you some misery right anything outside God will meet all my needs abundantly put that up so they can see that make sure that everybody sees that over here Ok. The cashier overcharged you on something that was supposed to be on sale because I can trust God completely no need to worry Have you seen people get pretty upset over that have you been behind them when that happens I choose to be calm and peaceful isn't that important Ok how about you got passed over at work for a job that you thought that you deserved what do you think that they do in pretty good or do you think there's more that they should be put in now Ok I will not fear that's a good one so that what I'm trying to say is that we need to have these things ready and our mind because we are going to have problems there's nothing worse than waiting to the crisis we need to have it ready Don't you believe that job was ready before God brought a crisis he knew what he was going to do and that was to stand firm to God So Ok you can just put them on the front pew and thank you for your help I appreciate it what does it say here I'd like you to read it whatever happens conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ is that true we should do that all right let's read this one when trials arise that seem on explainable you should not allow your peace to be spoiled however unjustly we may be treated let not passion arise passion. As you're made deliberate which I by the way I have I had a frontal lobe in the middle of that was going to help but we're going to get through to the last minute I guess I'm going to skip over you I'm so sorry my actors that were going to be so Ok come up here for one minute one minute Ok C'mon up here. We've got Kendra and Amy and John. Christ object lessons 1713 Ok so here's the here's the concern by the way here's some books that are really good that I think that everybody should be reading because these are more about what we've been studying this week all right so this is a made a law and this is frontal lobe. And there's that microphone so make dua I had an issue here with you let's see oh all. Discovered that she has ants in her r.v. do anybody hear about my aunt's last year yeah so she's going to come complain to the office about those ants that her r.v. is sitting on so Ok go ahead I'm a doula Let's hear it. There are ants in my r.v. I thought you people took care of those things like that before we got here I said Now I have to deal with then I have classes to go to it and I need I don't learn how to be like Jesus so how am I supposed to deal with easy I know and we should have got we should have gone out there and killed every one of my I agree Ok Well thank you but you have answered your r.v. What do you have to say about that well I think it's pretty sure this is a frontal lobe by the way we're going to wait the ANCYL clean up some of the crumbs of the kids left and I believe that week you know Mondays come when we can get an exterminator this is not a crisis Wow Did you hear that so he's he's being calm and cetera and she's being a little bit hyper right all right and that's because we told her to. Ok someone sends you a snotty email I got one of those I should read it to you you should hear what that one. And I guess you got quite a snotty one too what did you have to say about their lives in a meadow Ah how do they think they were Does she think she is she did talk to me like that she's no better than I am what ever do to her and I heard John the frontal lobe also got the same email will I believe that we're going to take time we're going to prey on it you know when you read an email it's hard to put on timbre and pitch into that So I think a day or 2 will let things settle down and then we'll give a good quality response Who would you want to be your pilot. I mean how have you seen it when they go down on the airplane and go. I'm just like. Ok Ok you were asked to speak up front and you never did that before how do you make dua what they want from me I don't I'm not responsible to these people. Somebody else could do it why do I have to do it is that my job Ok And what would the frontal lobes say when they think they're asked to speak up front and they never did it before well it appears that somebody must want to hear what I have to say just why but I think we pray about it and do a good job they did a good job and they I'm a good thank you very much you guys did a great I'm glad we included. All right for some Ok now you can't walk out right so let's see how you feel about this are you ready for the grand finale a woman was waiting in the airport one night with several hours before her flight she hunted for her book in the airport shop she bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop she was engrossed in your book and happened to see that the man right beside her as bold as could be took a cookie or 2 from the bag between which she tried to ignore and avoid the scene she read she munched cookies and watched the clock as the gutsy cookies diminished her stock. She was getting more irritated as the minutes tick by thinking if I wasn't so nice I'd blacken his eye the peach cookies she took he took one too when only one was left she wondered what will he do but with a smile on his face and a nervous laugh he took the last cookie any broken half he offered her half as he ate the other she snatched it from him and she thought oh brother this guy has some nerve and he's also so rude he didn't even show any gratitude she'd never knew when he should bend so appalled and she sighed with relief when her flight was called she gathered belongings and she headed to the gate refusing to look back at the thing in great she boarded the plane she sat down in her seat then she saw her book which she thought she'd read complete as she reached in her bag she got a real surprise and there was her bag of cookies in front of her I was. All mine or yours she moaned in despair then the others were his and he had tried to share too late to apologize she realized with grief that she was the rude one the end great the. So where were you when I was telling this where you get your Migdal is going where you feel an angry you know that's because anything can trigger us can't it and we recognize that we need God on our side all the time don't we. Don't forget God he's the one who wants to help you with the way you're thinking getting close to him will help you to help your character grow and he will move you forward and I don't think we have time to sing Amazing Grace but maybe you can hum it as you leave God has given us tools of South control it's up to us whether we're going to use them or not and we can change every negative emotion when we think about it in an intelligent way with the brain God gave us and I wish all of you to have half the emotions and I hope that you master them and keep working on them and thank you for coming to my session let's stand for prayer Dear Father we just thank you that you love us You take care of us that you're so kind to us that you want so much better for our lives please improve our relationships the way we talk the way we think we know that you give us little things so that we can be tested and we want to be found successful in your eyes because we are depending on you I pray for each person here I thank you very much that they are worthy of your love and that we someday will go to heaven and we won't even have to work on these things we will all be in a perfect environment enjoying each other's company and I pray Lord that we will be ready for the sadness soon you're pulling in. This media was brought to you by audio for years a website dedicated to spreading God's word through free sermon audio and much more if you would like to know more about yours or if you would like to listen to more service leaders visit w.w.w. dot. Org.

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