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But We're Just Friends

Nicole Parker


Nicole Parker

Wife, mother, and Biblical counselor




  • July 15, 2010
    9:45 AM
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well good morning everybody so glad you're here how many open enjoying WIC so far he would start with a word of prayer power had fun in heaven just so grateful that you have blessed us so much thank you for bringing us all here I know it's not by accident and you have a plan for each of our lives and individual empty me of self and sunny with your spirit and a vehicle to share something that will be a blessing to each person 's heart hearing the each person may be changed into your image more inspection today thank you Lord Jesus the line seminar is titled but we are just friends because it was one of the most common things that I hear as a person who spends a lot of time with young people that work at Southern and I'm saying a home at the stay-at-home mom with three little kids but we have a lot of students that come from link or how and I hear so many complicated situations that start out with forward to friends by so I invited a long time ago this is a topic that I really needed to be addressed more and I actually am working on writing a book on this that whenever I have their time between Raymondville tent one of these days you may be able to revisit you can hear it know what to share with you today comes from my heart and from my own experience because I had the same situation that many other people that I know half in growing up trying to follow God no I always heard you got to save yourself from the right one right and when I was younger like other times about sixteen I really thought that that was kind that you know the ones you don't have sex it's okay right so I would plan on these guys learn around a lot I dated different guys and at myself for the right one physically but emotionally however saving myself for anybody I was giving myself to anybody who seem like they would be interested in the Army were going out walking with one of my friends we would will go over to the Academy campus one man does walk around and try to find some way to flirt with legally giggling how you become search I mean have you been saying the things that fourteen -year-old girls do but anyway that's what I did at one I gave my life to Christ when I was sixteen I decided are right now and it writes on to give every area of my life to God and that includes dating so I stopped dating around I dated several Montana skies and had some really messed up relationships but from then on I didn't start dating I didn't date again if I was out of college and that was a great decision when the best decisions I ever made a really helped me to be able to mature and work through some of the things that I need to work through before I started dating anybody and that that decision also probably saved me from a lot of very bad situation because even when I was sixteen I remember just a few months before I really made a commitment to follow Christ I was studying to be a lifeguard and my lifeguarding teacher sat down with a one day and she said Nicole if you keep acting with attracting the guys your leverage much longer and I wish I will be in you know I'm so on so sure on that point that's when they do but I wasn't saving myself emotionally and physically I dressed in the coming close that I thought would get attention whether that was trying to get guys to want to have sex with me but you know when you have a nice body and you dress in things that show it off then everybody pays more attention to you guys want to put their arm around you and they want to hang out with you in your treated like a cool like that and I like how I felt when I found something that made my body was what I thought looked good so I was things I shortly does things I didn't have any sleeves I know this is a life guys are starting to like me I'm finally growing up but in my lifeguarding teacher software was going into when I didn't and I'm so grateful that she had the courage to sit down and talk with a girl who wasn't really very spiritually minded in some ways because she thought I had potential and I didn't want to follow God and I needed somebody to warn me praise God for people who do that so she did help me to know what I'm doing with desperately wrong I came out of a conversation horrified and confused when my delay in sending a signal surprised by this and really get when I gave my life to Christ I was attending Washington Hills Academy which is a wonderful school it totally turned my life around Washington I held we weren't allowed to date and really great because the other guy for the guy would walk with me or sit next to me in class regularly I didn't have to start worrying who knows their crush on me I can relax more and be friends it really freed me up emotionally but it also meant I became good friends with guys not worrying about whether or not we were to be interested in each other that can be a good thing and that thing because I thought you know we're just trying you you want to stay just friends with everyone right this is that the paradigm we have when you're out there in the world you do you have a wild time you decide what your boundaries are physically and then you go that far whenever you feel like it but since we say weight were supposed to save ourselves from marriage and that means physically and of course emotionally too we realized that as we mature spiritually really not okay to just throw yourself everybody emotionally so useless since they just friends with people until you find some of you think might be the right one right but practically that often means that were still confused why doesn't really need to be just friends the Bible ha ha what about us staying if you are but he doesn't talk about what the boundary how can a guy and a girl befriends and be just friends and stay pure and even aware the reason that emotionally I was totally confused women in a culture where movies tell you that you've got to have these intense emotional friendship and everything has to be intense and emotional and an hour and have to go through all the emotions of the business through like ten years writing this this movie and everything happened than what you know that the hills and valleys are mainly going to real life real life to scrub floors down real-life when you drive somewhere in a car you actually have to sit there for a while and drive in a movie when you're sitting there in a card because there got in an accident or had their having important conversation right the real life is not so intense it gets boring especially when you're addicted to intensity my husband can be talking about some of the issues of lifestyle and how we with corrupted ourselves by thinking everything must be emotional and intense this is flowed into the way that we relate to the opposite said in so many ways and we just don't even see it doesn't deal with these things by saying you should do these things and don't do these things until you're married but if you are showing principles that I want to share with you things I wish I may have told me back when I was sixteen because it literally saved me a lot of math and headache as I was basically all the guys that I was friends with until I turned sixteen are out of my life now I didn't build friendships with them we built whatever you call it something based on attraction we flirted with each other we hung out sometimes we go to do something up for a while sometimes you know after hanging out too late something stupid would have been and then mediocrity Daniel any way I want family friendships that way and I can truly say that once I learn these principles and started I guess my life things change so much in the friends that I have a lifeline these principles in my friendships with them were still involving years later when you're fifteen sixteen even twenty years old it's hard to look off into the future but now I'm thirty six I went back to my feet and other people I was friends with my sixteen hour flight plan will be close friends forever nothing ever happened this friendship and five years later winning and talk to each other but friends I had that I was really good friends that we kept safe healthy boundaries in our friendship and fifteen years later were still close friends that something you want if you value your friends you value your opposite sex friendships than the biblical principles and you can keep those friendships forever most of the time that is what happens but because you got a letter that need to be just friends I've ever talking to a girl who is Tony yeah there's this guy with where friends were just friends but you know how well were just friends like okay you're just friends though I have gotten just friends with it I was married and she was being honest about the weather visiting your friendships with friendship of the time my friendships with guys like while we hug sometimes at night I had my diaper and sometimes do so while we've been hugging kids sometimes they just aren't that different he does not just friends right but then what is a friend and that well-being we don't hit we would never do that sometimes we hold hands no that's not a Sprint either right now verbal commitment he just the longing looks across the room but that's okay because were not really writing where where the boundaries on the things you and the needy rather than their ranks many of you have ever been complicated in a complicated just friendship that ended up not being just friendship I love your honesty is not so that really being flirtatious and just dating around and maximizing the emotional whenever you have the emotional one of being with the opposite sex it's wrong it's wrong to try to have this closeness because you know if your friend and guide your friends of the girl but the person with opposite sex from you you have a lot stronger attraction to being friends with them just because they're the opposite sex and doesn't hurt of the really cute or whatever you know that that heaving hormones to enhance your friendship and that something that you may think about when you're sixteen but what about when you're twenty six in your married tiny break that habit you then don't enhance all your friendships with opposite sex only with your spouse because feeling one of the hormones are okay right where you draw that line got a practice now to be married then are you really just friends the Bible says that people like themselves sometimes Psalm fifteen first he says he that walked uprightly and work righteousness and speak the truth in his heart will be safe I used to think that just meant Scripture memorization and that's important I think that certainly applied to Scripture memorization the ablest speaker truth in your heart and the Bible always addresses things on a heart level it's not about do this and don't do that even in Israel and people were just coming out of slavery and God says okay these are the basic ground rules you can't do this he got to do that because they were used to thinking for themselves there used to being told what to do in every area of their life even when God had laid out basic ground rules he was still aiming for the heart always wants our hearts and he wants us to be honest in our hearts with ourselves I know I've not been honest sometimes with other people and asked me about something so what's going on there and I'm annoyed said no no no it's fine the county fire nearly wasn't right we have to be honest with our hearts between ourselves and God him that means we have to confess that we've been on dishonest that other people to God wants us to speak the truth in our hearts and admit to ourselves if we looking to friendships to make us feel better about herself to enhance our sense of worth twenty percent of lability our attractiveness we build our sense of identity on those things is that among all platforms were always in trouble because those things are shifting sand what happened to get in a car accident in your face is disfigured and you build your whole sense of identity and what you look like you're in big trouble what happens if you have three children three and half years in your body gets a lot bigger than it used to be like me that it it can be a real one if you thought we were so valuable because of how beautiful you weren't enough people who are so attractive when they know and then they get older they gain weight they get wrinkles and they suddenly have a desperate need for something different than somebody to make them feel attractive because their sense of worth was built on something shallow shifting stand we need our sense of worth and identity and love ability to be built on God 's love for us and that's what it's built on anything that happened to us are relevant whether or not simply wants to marry me is not going to destroy me I don't become desperate and needy please certainly nearing the end of the thirty twenty we don't have to live that way because were joyful knowing I have laughed incredibly left by God whether or not someone else chooses me about everybody else in the world God chooses and he lets me like there's nobody else in the world even notice this is how God wants us to build our sense of identity and worth in our world we're told that everything is is built on how sexy you are advertising everywhere you go how you luck is so important because that shows how marketable you are so much as somebody else can value you we value people based on their looks that's a sinister system the Bible says in Psalm fifty one verse six behold antivirus truth as far as any hidden part shop make me to know wisdom God wants to go down to the very depths of her heart so what is injured thirsting after what you're looking for in this person you want to be closer friends with nothing wrong with being friends with coming the opposite sex certainly but what is it that were looking for for hungry for something for looking the best person to give us something that only Donna supposed to supply organ and destroying that friendship because right where introducing an idolatrous situation were putting in this poisonous south of mixing in I want you to do something to me that only God can really do for me and whenever we do that God has to make the finals come in order to bring us back to himself it's not a mean thing to do unless you want to record live together want to record friendships isn't it important that we have close friendships with the disciples Jesus agonizing wait here you're not ready for the Holy Spirit he got all get together and pray and become the one accord behind the very high value on the relationships between human beings of all God has written about two things I love for God and love for each other that God wants us to be able to build healthy deep rich friendships that's very important but when they become adults that were in trouble I hear these things a lot and when I hear them I almost always now here comes the complicated situation but we just best friend were just like brother and sister how she's a real sister in Christ this is how I love the front like me but I like him the way he talked about and I didn't guarantee any time you hear that like okay here comes long coveted followed by lots of tears and work obligations you don't want to give one another and went when people have a situation like that they need to build unclear firm boundaries because when they fight over disco B authority to be or will she marry like this other person so I'm just wait until she's interested in the menial work out when I got interested in something else really fast on either to shallow attraction based friendships anyway often are real reason for seeking intimacy with someone of the opposite sex is what we're not getting it with God when God calls to your heart consent to waive me and drink together let me satisfy the thirsty places in your heart do you open your Bible review up in your cell phone or the refrigerator or you doesn't matter where we got the bad things food isn't evil but when we go to instead of Christ to satisfy the thirst of our soul it becomes a deadly I don't become something that destroys instead of something that heels and brings life thought us design our friendships with each other to bring healing and life because this is how God reveals himself to us he revealed himself through the Bible through prayer but also through other people who reflecting him to one another right for the Bible says for Satan 's handling of yourself together we get together in church because God wants us to bring one another higher spiritually what if you are dating that's that we have biblical relationships with people and leadership in a pastors teachers and he wants us to be of understanding our hearts are sinful were so driven to where the natural things that we make into idols that sometimes God has to speak to us through someone else we read the Bible that were troubling did you know we're looking at it through stained glass we only see certain things so need some money else he says we noticed that this is what the Bible says any thought of this application in your life friendships and others are so important but when my friendship is turned into an idol it often is because of this because we want somebody to get his attention instead of God to fill that place that only God can really fill that can happen just to the opposite sex friendships have the added bonus of hormones they just know when you're in a talk about something that's really need one your heart was something of the same sex as you it doesn't have that same feeling of flawless it from the opposite sex can talk with them when backing more exciting are our world is driven by hormones and this is just the way that our culture relates to design a girl be just friends when you think absolutely I have some great friends were guys but my old guy friends are gone the new guy friends I made when I learn a better way to relate to them are still around even when we haven't seen each other in a long time we know we get together chat families together be so glad that we can see each other and there's this healthy wonderful accompanying your marriage was happy in my marriage you were so blessed this is often were not looking for affirmation from each other which is rejoicing in the loving relationship I given to us by Phil God in sharing this wonderful blessing whether young guy girl friendships I've seen fall into these three categories their long-term not to intense friendship those are the ones that I found lasted you know the ones that I wasn't too intensely close friends with this guy you know whenever something that happened to me was like the first for someone to talk to whenever something bad happens if only I could just talk to him it wasn't like that they were too intent and they just are steady no emotional upheaval maybe from an acting call and say you know I just can stress about the situation can you pray with me about it but not something where immediately I think only I could talk to so-and-so that would make it better for there the long term not to intense friendship and a temporary close and intense friendships that fade between MoveOn may be the other person finds country that their candidate all I suddenly realize weight he's more interested in springtime with her and enhance with me so we move on to find them elsewhere more interest in spinning time is right down the friendships that tend to be idolatrous they they tend to be relationships in which I'm attracted to you because you're single and I'm single and this could really work rather then I'm attracted to you because your brother or sister in Christ and then there's marriage and of course the long term not to intense friendships may morph into the intense friendships which morph into marriage hopefully only one time right he is a member of the way God ordained it is nothing evil about having a close friendship with somebody it's just that God wants us to have in the right context when he is at the center of our heart he is at the center of our life he is the foundation of our sense of identity aware of the love ability and our relationship with you the person is built around God at the center is it wrong to be more than just friends with somebody in that context it when talking about where you're becoming closer and closer friends with somebody of the opposite sex even if you don't know you're an American not sure where your sleep on it let me rephrase that when you are friends and family then you see this potential could possibly move into marrying them Sunday but you're not sure if you're an American Sunday in the wrong to start cultivating depth of intimacy emotionally we are not sure if this is the one yet I now any feedback if you're not sure it's the right one is it okay to start becoming closer to them than he will get yourself into college at times but how do you ever find out if this is the right person for you ha ha that is the heart of the issue that we struggle with the family 's questions were trying to walk higher better which mind to be the last generation were trying to really commit our lifestyles to God 's word and say what can I do how do we do that with all that process you wait until God shows you this is the one that you are married and then you become friends with you then you pour yourself out in emotionally yes and no fish you are right you are thinking there can fear the wonderful energy the invention is to let happen I find when people are in this video processing with their friends I know a lot of people who don't live there there friends and everybody but they don't get emotionally close to anybody then make a summary that they're interested in how they cross that narrow shaking bridge to intermarry you what happened one that will bridge is really important Ryan I remember when I was learning to fall in love with my husband I wouldn't that Bell and when I crawled into level and deliver the slow process of me deciding this guy is the kind of person I would spend my life with this guy really shows the character of Jesus to me this guy has so many things in common with me and in our ministry goals in the things he learned in our life but there came a point after I had gone to know him pretty thoroughly in a lot of ways or I'd make conscious decision am I going to give myself emotionally to the sky or not and that's scary you know I felt like I was pouring out my heart as a drink offering before the Lord just pointed out not knowing if they get anything out of this because I don't really know his heart he is a I know my heart until we were asked we we share ourselves we become deeper friends and in that process to take a rest you risk gene and you risk and if you do things the wrong way as Christians it's wrong to risks then we shouldn't do things that we know are edging toward temptation but you are in any of that change change is that the changes of the image of God the one of the greatest things that change is a it's not fun and sometimes it can make things really complicated with my I was ripping pain that's what scared me when I knew it's not sin to give my heart to this man is a godly man and we're keeping things appropriate but I'm risking pain but that pulled on my carnal nature I risk being hurt I wanted to know I had planned on he wanted me to die or not you don't currently go through all that and suddenly learn to see there was a guy I dated before my husband who also seem to be very godly man and he was he was preaching he was on fire for the Lord can't believe how is our personality seem to match so well we can see ourselves in ministry for life you tell me know if I ever get married it can be kept me because I can see that the two of us together will be more like three of us because it will be so much more effective in ministry together that it'll be better for us in the Reagan ministry that would be for both of us to continue single and ministry my tiny guy and after I got to know him for a little while and I saw what he was like we decided start dating I gave my heart and I really love him and he was a wonderful person in so many ways we seem likely fit together well but then an alarm it also works miracle to bring us together a specific sign I had for Lord if you want me to get to know him better you have to make this thing happen for us to actually be able to see each other so I can get to know him a little bit better and it was virtually impossible for it to happen and then two days later it happened I was assigned to work in a cooperative program where I wasn't even supposed to be there was no way I would've been there and I was not to make myself get there somebody cancels were supposed to be a millionaire without my asking is that okay light on the Internet a little bit better than but the Lord let it from there and it just seemed like it was as wonderful beautiful process of God unfolding our hearts to each other but in the end we found our ministry password to go separate and we saw that our personalities weren't in the mesh as well as we thought they would so I broke off our our friendship I broke off our relationship with our friends now many years later we were able to restore our friendship and I praise God for that but at that time we had ever had to sever a relationship and our friendship and I was very painful but it was one of the greatest things ever happened to me it taught me some things I needed to know for my relationship with my husband who I only met a year later it taught me so many things about the dangers of a long-distance friendship or don't do long-distance relationship we think you know somebody and so you actually are in the same place for them in stressful situations you find out while we don't get together after all we found out our our way of administering were fundamentally different he didn't want me with lots of young people he wanted to be alone with the Bible and a couple of people get them preach the way to the cabin in the mountains that's not me that's not my kind of ministry when we didn't match it didn't work it was a learning experience I learned so much it was painful but I don't regret that pain I learned so much from it and many years later the Lord use our friendship as an instrument of bringing him back to Christ after he left the Lord left the church left Christianity some thing I never could've imagined are they but then we became France through Facebook and there along competent process by brought me into a situation where I could minister to him and I and attacks group in the eye when he called again a chat forum where you talk about Adventism and he was talking against Edmonton I was talking for advent of the needed number I was even the Lord bless and black and he's going to get baptized into the administered and if we hadn't had that connections in the past that might not been possible because there were no figures in between it it helps these things and made them into something possible we actually talked about recently that you know I praise the Lord that I married or unmarried and I married exactly right person and he agreed he knows I marry the right person were so glad we didn't marry each other but were also glad that we had that experience her we needed each other because without facts I wouldn't have known him well enough to where he was coming from and I wouldn't have been able to minister to him so praise God he does things that are so much more complicated than we could ever understand so I hope you can see that the balance there what I'm saying is it's not wrong to cross that shaky bridge of once you know this person is a person who is solid they love the Lord we seem to be compatible in ministry we seem to be called in the same direction were mature enough if the right time in life we know we may be called to mirror each other it's okay to give yourself emotionally to the person gradually gradually to get to know the more you share more and more of your heart is risking pain pain is not your enemy is your enemy don't get the two confused with a very different when God leads you forward in a relationship this is a dangerously when God leads you forward in a relationship some people say that the vets committee marry this person and it very funny Mondays when you decide to marry somebody when you haven't even gotten to know them very well you're putting yourself in a very perilous situation I know many people who unfortunately did not get their heart in time to find out what the other person 's heart was really like they feared out the Lord seems to be bringing us together he did these miracles therefore were to get married three months from now and they do and three months after the house something terrible happened maybe one of them leaves the Lord or becomes mixed up in a heretical movements or something strange happens I'm telling you I've seen people who really believe the Lord is leading you to talk them out of it and they destroy their life by that one decision so you got to know somebody before you decide on a commit my entire life to being invested you because this is this is your children's future right of the person is supposed to be teaching your children their spiritual life you need to know what's going on a person 's mind you know it's going on in their relationship with God and there things that you just don't know how much you get closer seem to take that risk sometimes this is the balance when when you're moving in that process toward becoming more than just friends you don't want to base it on when we reached the other great kidney and we does really hit it off went for a hike that to each other that's just not smart and you're taking a risk of you know I know somebody who knows she was making friends now everything was just so wonderful they were just friend that has really hit it off everything was great then she got emotionally attracted to the sky in deep waves because they were time together and even though there were clear red flags here she was no is this one but can't want to read because they sure seem to be some reasons why I shouldn't marry him like that were not members of the same denomination little inconsequential details like that but dynamically because I should pray for anyone near Mary Hannah then have to be able to get up the mountain this is Sally Mountain and has truck today in any case therefore God wanted us to get married and nobody can talk her out of it God does not lead that way if I don't know how else to say that God does not goes directly contrary to his word by giving you a fine in his word he says choose somebody carefully even in the story of Isaac and Rebecca which is the classic when you can say the Lord definitely had one person out there for you can look at Rebecca they prayed and God brought them to each other while that's true but you look at that the test but the servant used when you either with training he prayed Lord if there is a girl here that's right trying to have her come and you shall lock my Oscar for a drink of water at that happenstance circumstance it could happen with anybody then she'll offer to water my candles which is like a two-hour job watering camels and fifteen County mosquitoes can drink out of character but this girl will fail you have to handle Thursday on water your camel to have you never hauled an earthenware jar out of a well disciplined imagine doing that for two hours straight for some of you never seen before and will probably never see again that was not just you know what circumstance that was Jesus being revealed through without the character of God being manifested in her back character entity can only get one fine and if you will have a chance even teachers out there in unusual situations like that God may lead in that way during the dangers like the people just say okay this is the person that God had given us to find a way to get married therefore commit America's person trying to get to know them usually a little bit later on why you crash hits and because they didn't build a solid foundation of knowing what this person is like they go home now I married the wrong one and then I think well what a mess it was even God 's love for us to be together and creates insecurity at creating chaos in the relationships they need to get to know somebody slowly as you can see what their characters like how much of this person like Jesus that the first thing you need to know right and you can be friends with people whether or not there like Jesus as long as they're not influencing you are not risking sin but you want to know also if you can marry this person how much this person like me feed and evaluate their character how much they like Jesus and their personality how well do they mesh with me so that is just that it's a process not an event you can't take God has now let us together therefore will get married now there are plenty of people who done that God has blessed their marriage is and I'm not saying he didn't link them together but if you wanted a process is outlined in Scripture it's evaluate their character and give your heart gradually instead of immediately pouring yourself out to the person because you're risking not just paint thinly do that we just pour yourself out to somebody without knowing who they are you risk getting too attached to them and when you don't really know if this person really like Jesus so loaded question is it wrong to be more than just friends it depends on why and how and you have to be spirit so here's the thing it sounds so complicated when talking to about here but the really crucial thing you got now is really connected to Christ spirit filled my spending time with God every day my writing in firefight with the cravings of my heart because I thought is satisfied with the printings in your hearts the other stuff comes into focus that may sound ambiguous but I'm serious if you are spending quality time with daughter really talking about that in a seminar on on spirituality to spend quality time with God he satisfied singer-songwriter Billy and your relationship with somebody else is having a looking at this person thinking for that one and more time with him or not your enemy driven by the craving I need somebody to love me in any of the faith looks like he has a problem with his temper my life not something I would want to include in my children's future think instead of going on what the movie got going got it doesn't matter that they're fighting and screaming and swearing at each other in ten minutes later and then together it could be fine because they had a passion and I couldn't stop insulting you know when you got enough cash and you can't stop yourself it's forever right hip if people had any idea what I see as a counselor and racks and how much I mean people live because of passion -based marriages it was scary needed at the peak of the one hundred of what I see of what goes on because people walk down that aisle dressed in white it seems to wonderful they were so happy and two years later they can't even stand to look at their wedding pictures they think that is the day that I ruined my life it's awful you'll risk that the when you get married finally when you consider becoming more than just friends of somebody think and first of all have your foundation deeply and Chrysler and satisfy your soul if you feel that your spirit filled in your spending time with God in the endless science when you're thirsting for this person instead of just wanting to spend time with them I read it on a story where man was telling house when he was engaged his wife every morning he would pray to God with his hands open and outstretched like this he said it was to him a symbol he was sainted all I offer you my relationship with the well I believe she's the one for me I believe you called me to marry her but I'm holding this relationship with open he is time you need it to be taken out of my life you take it it's not something on a graph not to hold onto it serenity when your relationship with God it felt like a palm outstretched before the Lord player Hardy is your setting to God take this relationship if you need to anything you want it's all for you back to the nearest safe relationship with God and with the other person and held on June the direction that the beauties of Scripture that's the beauty of God 's way of doing things number filled with the Spirit he brings everything often a life into balance RI I have a little quiz for you in case some of you will possibly be thinking of any specific relationship that you have in your life and you're wondering how we really just not here are a few questions you can ask yourself when something good happens you are something that was the first person you want to tell it to the opposite sex friend that person obviously hold a special place in your heart sharing such experiences build bonds and when we look for someone to share with often that a conscious or unconscious goal now if you find yourself feel you want to share with that opposite sex friends and because they're not around it's okay a think of another opposite sex friends talk about whether there are around that's okay because you got another opposite sex friends the other problem is that you got the GED you're looking for is for somebody of the opposite sex and that's what you value your friendship more than who they are big and Daniel 's person of the same sex with me when I be as driven to talk with him about his heart issue is that well maybe it's okay you know what's going on in their heart but maybe things are okay for you but chances are often when we want to go to this person right away because we should be going to God first but we get a faster emotional rush to get a summary of the opposite sex does your friendship itself feature the topic of conversation between you your your friendship means so much to me I thank you so much for being there for me you always know what is saying I hope I can only counter near what I do without you you know any I people talking about things like facts they're trying to bring the value of the friendship to consciousness are trying to get the other persons or firms he means much to me to and even even though there's nothing evil about sharing the things it's important that we we don't spend a lot of time on them if your friendship with limiting the opposite sex is really casual just friends you probably have to spend a lot of time talking how much you trust it's just they're just going downhill to get steeper and steeper do you find yourself wanting to talk without other people and you might like it when others go when you're left the table alone together imaginal and walks with others that find yourself talking more between the two of you are even walking at a different speed than the others do you hope that you will get to talk with him/her about certain things you were going for a walk with haulage people are just going hiking together and this one guy he was just walking a little flowing everybody else as he talked to me I can't name only we can catch up with his mom 's landline so we ended up walking considerably farther away from everybody else thought contribute how you really were totally now he could never be interested in the butt I found out not too long after that that I had read those signals correctly even though I had wanted to believe them he wanted to have time with me not time with people I'm with me and that was not what we needed do you find yourself wanting to touch your friend you might look for excuses to random elbow into their red wrapping around their neck look forward when they come over you given the high do you enjoy when they touch even accidentally who is your friend seemed to find excuses to touch you even if you're not getting anything out of it the other person keeps a lighter touch even say well she just does that with all the guys but maybe there's a reason for that him are you are accessing each other both of you are aware that this does not feel the same as touching same-sex friends think hormones are your conversations about facts like that happening classroom they include your feelings and the feelings for each other just feelings you now know what to do about my mom my filter do you ever feel like this new building bonds with like two magnets take two magnets and you put them closer and closer and closer together eventually what happens we've got two magnets in your volume closer and closer together the Paul gets stronger and stronger it's there to gather and maybe none of you have ever had one of those situations where you're staying in the moonlight and all of a sudden somebody that you would never have been interested in during the day becomes much more attractive if I were ever to have hypothetically been in a situation like that I would think the reason that happened was because then you admit because I kept to myself I seem to find the Holy Spirit is Tony get out of the situation I mean because they feel that outcome on nothing ever happened being out with the guys like you know any when you start making excuses yourself understand you know and can play with fire don't be shocked when you get burned you ever find your eyes lingering on your friend especially when they are not looking to look for him or her when you come into a room I remember were talking about the heart I'm not talking about speed touch this first metaphysical thing you do when talking about what's going on in your heart the things that you do reveal what's going in your heart from time but these are not things you know it if all of these things are okay here finally passed the test I'm talking about what's going on in your heart these are questions to ask yourself what's going on in my heart do other people think of you as a couple or teach about each other do you enjoy it when they do if I had ever hypothetically been any situations where the teenager I would recognize this right you see what I life that people thought that some guy like me even if I didn't actually have anything going with engines about the people topic I was interested in me made me feel good to get my sense of identity and worth allowability was powerfully built on whether guys found me attractive my relationship with my dad was really troubled and messed up and so I mean it male affirmation and tragically that's the case with many people I have so many people who got in situations that destroy their lives twenty two days ago I decided girl called her phone she's terrified she's pregnant she's what I think I might be pregnant and it could be just found out that the guys that you know I've been with you you got two of the girlfriend while I get myself into these things this is not fun she's desperate she terrified and the worst part of it for her while I do this to myself over and over and over I've been working with her for years I think the pattern I know what she's doing but I can't fix it is only Christ can fix it she's not letting him into that deep part of her heart yet because she wants she wants somebody to fill that she thinks that only a guy can do it in a matter what I tell her she's not just been enough time with God in the departmental to let him satisfied that because there's a much quicker find somebody I'm beautiful they are attracted to me I feel better in ten minutes why should I go and spend hours trying to connect with God building a deep relationship you know we live in instant culture and efforts going on with this girl I'm scared for her and it's a it's a terrifying situation at the end whether or not that happens just the fact that she might end up going through similar situations later on she will she well unless she lets Christ filled her heart because we are idolaters where all idolaters looking for God to worship and if we don't like talking to or for something or someone else and when that someone crumbles when that I don't fall the part that someone else or something out people just take turns in their addictions alcohol now in effect in its food and drug edit the content relationship codependent is just another word for idolatry do you sometimes think about even if he would never mention out loud your friends look or outward attractiveness if your friend with a same-sex you are what you feel the urge to spend as much time together no Mormons do great things for friendship make you feel so much more like being together do you like being seen with your friend does he or she seemed to enjoy it if you are your friend were to get married to someone else with your friendship have to change in its intensity or its direction of growth this is a big one you know maybe it would be fine or maybe it will be fine for you that you started dating some a your friend my thoughts spending time with you I have friends like that I didn't realize they were interested in the Intel they thought I was interested in something else and suddenly that enlistment time anymore well that takes care of some problems right if you if you think that you know and if one of us are interested in the output really want to be around anymore this is this is a question that just goes to what's going on my heart helps you to see what's happening down there do you ever wonder if your friend finds you attractive does their opinion influence what you choose to wear how you do your hair etc. do you cherish little mementos note that such a venture friend is given you some people just cherish things it's not evil understanding of think about it you got a remember where we were naturally liars we lie to ourselves we sail it fine I would never know now but we have to think through what's really going on in our heart is depth of these questions are about asking what was going on in my heart do you often think warmly a little thoughtful things that your friend is done for you what would you do these things featured from the only in your mind especially when you feel down a lonely that's emotional dependencies if when you think the first thing you grab for is what somebody else think that you hear in trouble because you're supposed to be reaching out for what God thinks of you when you start thinking would you be shocked if your friends are in a committed relationship with someone other than you without talking to you about it first I was one of my friends and we were just friends everything was fine you know he had a girlfriend I was just his friend in the money economy and let you know I just broke up with my girlfriend today because I was just thinking about them I will be with you to be okay but he thinking again I said yes I was fifteen give me a break and we were just friends until that very moment but I've been attracted to them all along I just never admitted it to myself he was the cutest guy in the whole school he was also thirteen and when does the mature but you know when you say if you never tried to reason with somebody like that it's almost better to just save your breath I was unreasonable because I was doing everything based on attraction it feels good right now I don't care that he's not a Christian he's not advanced smoke he talked to himself nonstop and little inconsequential details like that overall true of that guy you don't didn't matter I was due to mature I was too caught up in how I felt to think about what God wanted what would glorify God it was all about me member sixteen do you sometimes say or do things purposely to be noticed by your friend this may mean things like talking louder joking more when they are around or even the opposite looking lonely when they are nearby and that of yet ever seen anybody do this I know I've certainly never know yourself it might also mean strategically mentioning things to someone who you hope will also mention them to your friends that called manipulation seventy at your friendship to others to each other or in your own mind by pointing out that you are your friend are not interested in each other you know Rodney and Sherry are together and he thought he and I both are really happy with that Sherry has no problem with being best friends and I would never want to go on what the Lord talking to your heart Lord tell me what's really going on in my heart you know you are here print that print I pray about running I need it when you sit down before the Lord he say you glad to see me tell me what's going on in my heart I don't understand it's amazing how suddenly everything switches I say this again and again in my marriage when I has not now be a little testament irritating with them so I go going the other room shut the door of hope what's going on all of a sudden the blinders fall off timing instantly and I see you are from out you are selfish he wanted to be his fault that you are reacting in a simple way you wanted to be something trying to make him get massive achieving economies gone does this wonderful think I show you what's going on your heart we just sit down with one fadeout God sees me tell me what's happening my heart my heart is deceitful and desperately wicked I can't figure it out on my own but when asked for his spirit the light shine then and I see the ugliness and identity visit and I'm able to go out and I am so sorry I realized it was wrong marriage is beautiful when crisis at the center but it's terrible when he is not if you are in a committed relationship with someone else does your significant other seem to mind your friendship as they see it then I can be here probably to be their problem but if your friendship is getting in the way of your relationship with this other person you got to figure out if it's my marriage everything else has to go because my marriage is priority I have to figure out what's happening now is my husband legitimately jealous him having a problem spiritually what do you know if there's if you are a committed relationship maybe the relationship needs Cialis thickening on jealous and strange ways but you never you never tried to brush it under the carpet I think your committed relationship with someone else do you ever hide aspects of your friendship from your boyfriend or girlfriend or your husband or wife whipping things like I could certainly never let you know nothing about Douglas have you ever thought well here she were available and might be interested but that's not the way things are you know those last five questions especially with things that reveal your line to yourself if you think there's nothing going on back down inside your even conscious that well to think of it like you plant a seed in you water it and believe in the son and well what you know it grew if you if you allow sin to to be cherished if you lie to yourself just know it can grow it can grow into something ugly and then it'll be a lot harder to break than it would've been if you just got rid of it at the beginning song of Solomon said young women of Jerusalem promise me never to awaken love before it is ready and I just appealed everyone of you don't awaken love before it's ready don't be afraid to give yourself many of us we've gone through terrible situations growing up it are in a world where there's so much divorce so much TV and movies and music and garbage everywhere that's telling you follow your heart do whatever you feel like doing we all must suffer the consequences of his generation from the foolish mistakes of several generations before us open more and more reliance on this culture of selfishness and advertising of living for the now and now everything and broken relationships now there's Facebook and twitter in all these ways that you can work more have this huge I work friends and when you feel down that Facebook may than e-mail and on your cell phone we go to your iPad whenever there is that you want to go to their silly things to go to instead of Christ and I don't need to feel better so much faster but it's like drinking saltwater you get a little bit edgy thirstier a little bit later you don't want to do that Christ don't awaken love before it's ready don't try to get into relationship with somebody in order to satisfy your heart yet started the legitimate longing for Latin heart but he doesn't want us to wreck our lives by going to those things instead of Christ and that's what happens when people try to be more than just friends in college just friends because they don't want to admit to themselves I really looking to somebody else instead of Christ's to satisfy the hunger in my heart let's pray the Lord to bring each of us close to him as my best friend is our closest competing five right now we just will bring our hearts before you maybe somebody's been convicted of things that are going on in our lives asleep in here we want to pray right now and surrender those things to you thank you Lord we we surrender everything to you we give you our hearts more shine your light into a helpless to have friendships that are truly built around you at the center of our lives and everyone else at the mouth to enrich our life and teach us to love you thank you Lord we love you


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