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12 Steps to Wholeness, Part 2

David Sedlacek

Presenter

David Sedlacek

MSW Program Director Coordinator, MDiv/MSW

Collaborative

Conference

Recorded

  • February 4, 2012
    9:30 AM
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okay what I want to do what I want to do my objective in this next hour is going to be to try and give you a presentation that you can take that with you that is it is crucial for your churches and so take good notes this is this is going to be an interactive presentation and I wanted I want you to learn it as an interactive presentation therefore interact with me okay and I think it's funny something this can be very important job just to tell you my name is David I to not have been involved in in the twelve step recovery process for over thirty years and you know what I find I still involved in and that enriches my mind teaching in the seminary social work department because it's fresh it's freshest until a work in process and I'm grateful for that someone would be sharing with you this morning is called the site goal of addiction dysfunction and sand and the reason that I am putting all three of these down here is that in different contexts you may choose to emphasize different aspects of this but the paradigm works for all of them okay and when you do this you'll see that as we develop that you can do it I'm not on a whiteboard that's longer rather than a flip chart would be much better because you'll see that it develops kind of as a business cycle I wish I had more space like this will work within the constraints we have so and so basically this is going to be taking a look at addiction from a from a family perspective rather than a neurobiological perspective and the key text that I like to refer people to his Deuteronomy chapter five verse nine but says that the iniquity of the fathers is visited upon the children to the third and fourth generation Kelly often you know we know the verse but how does that happen how does it happen that's what I want to join on this morning witnesses how is that actually happened in the family dynamic so the wonderful thing about addiction is is it's a relational construct yes it's no biochemical way but there's there's this whole layer of relationality to it and so that's that that's what really focusing on right now so for you to start with a relationship that boy meets girl and you can see my wonderful artistic ability here boy meets girl pouches that have some parents there we go okay now I want you to think about yourself and I want you to tell me what qualities would you want to have in a relationship so you just talk to me in on your right just ahead the board back a little bit how is that okay so what qualities would you like to have a relationship your ideal relationship what would you like and trust okay honesty and respect okay were sad to catch up with you love caring what else understand during understanding listen our what he said someone would appreciate you appreciation okay I'm sorry I respect that's it we know that one that's a good one that's a great one supportive and someone sent a friend brand okay someone was loyal okay very good very good anything else you want to hear less never make this personal now this is their list what you want in your list spirituality are common beliefs very good common beliefs okay now often what you'll find is that young people come up with different aspects on you whenever they tell you to write it down this is all good right possesses this is them this is their list and so will work with this is our list this morning okay and so the next thing is do you want these qualities to be mutual should they go both ways or are you expected to get something and not receive it in return so there is a mutuality matter right and so we wanted to be both ways okay so let's make an assumption here that we have has this wonderful couple and all these wonderful qualities are present okay now that's a leap of faith but let's is mistaken assumption that that's what is and so they marry Kelly love one another that is attracted to one another they get married you have some children will girl boy might have a little baby okay so they have some children and they lived happily ever after until something happens okay let's introduced a factor now into this happy Brady Bunch family and that factor is going to the saying or addiction now when an addiction comes into play in the family dynamic situation let's assume here that the father is the addict and it could be the mother it could be both of them and often we see families where everyone has some type of addiction going on but let's assume for the sake of our discussion right now that's the father who has the addiction what happens to kids focus of attention when addiction comes into being his addiction and himself so all of his energy all at this time in his life becomes taken over and you will buy the addiction okay and so what happens than two what his wife was getting from him prior to that is this thing mutual anymore it's not right it's not in fact what she was getting now the addiction is get is getting therefore could we call from a certain perspective could we call addiction adulterous relationship and that's not a legal right and so on I'm not talking necessarily not actual physical adultery by talking the absence of the relationship itself is adulterous right so we have adultery here there's another term I like to use it because if let's assume this mission as a Christian and he had a relationship with God what happens to his relationship with God often we know that addicts are spiritually bankrupt the relationship with God gives if you will diminish or weekend and certainly we could call them this addiction is a form of idolatry in other words is taking God 's place is at a leap of faith okay so we have adultery idolatry his focus is on the addiction now what happens what happens with his wife's focus now what is she going to attempt to do when she finds her husband 's affections being drawn away from her up to the addiction what you try to do just don't try to fix it right hottest to try to fix it she tries to control it maybe okay exacting promises if you love to meet you wouldn't do this you trying to throw out the alcohol and drugs are trying to make comments whatever she's given due to fix it to control it so that the family still looks good that syrup answer agenda I want the family to look good I don't want the world to the neighbors the church is to know what's really going on here so all of her energies are focused on coming to control the addiction that is a possible know okay so what happens than in this addictive process to what they had what happens when his addiction to trust honesty is allowed to caring understanding listening always wonderful qualities that you thought you had what happens to them they disappear for the loyalty this communication rather than to the family unit right with all of that gets messed up what they had is no longer there was a whole process of grieving and that goes along with you with this change in dynamic and addictive families that is important to understand from a dynamic situation but here's here's the challenge what happens to these children okay for talking here about a family system okay parents and children the family system so what happens to the children in this family system in many ways they become you will a subsystem in the family and develop ways of surviving in this family because that's not here for me mom is trying to manage this addiction as well and so the kids names are basically left unattended to so often we see the oldest one may be taking on a parental role caring for the younger ones and and and so forth and so these kids are not allowed to be children they have to grow up quickly into little adults and manage if you will with feelings of the family marriage while all of the other dynamics of the family cooking cleaning making sure that the mommy and daddy happy what they do unfortunately isn't this problem on this if they are to blame as they are the ones to blame they don't understand that the addiction is really the issue and in dance you are consenting to it and then let's taken that over normal work but they seem to if only I were a better little girl or boy mommy and daddy wouldn't fight like they do when they're drunk or whatever they wouldn't have all these arguments they'd still be here so they basically taken on as it ensnares okay now I want to talk for a few moments about the love needs of these children is the love needs of these children identify seven of them were getting go through them rather quickly just because we have to stay within a timeframe but the first one is affection and nurture and healthy families where children get affection and nurture an house and expressed to their parents right the primary caregivers and remember this is parents that stand in the place of God in the lives of their children amen okay so when do they get affection and nurture so when it when a mother is nursing her baby there is an exchange of nurture right of food but what else is there exchange of public touch very important and also communication between that mother and a child that baby you are saying right here in my arms I love you know this is a safe place and what happens is is this basic blogging get smacked during the the first tier of emotional development and causes what we called the establishment of basic trust basic trust is basic trust in the foundational building block character and we know the characters formed by the age of three instance by the age of seven developmentally so these years in this addictive family are critical to this child's development and so when I get plenty of affection and nurture I love you cause say cause warmth that kind of thing they learned some important things about life and about themselves they learn that life can be trusted my parents can be trusted and by implication that God can be trusted because God is our heavenly father if you are heavenly so that's the learning that takes place with plenty of affection and nurture when they don't get plenty of affection and nurture they developed what we call performance orientation in other words my sense of love ability disconnected with what I do with how I perform in the structure that they build is very deep okay very deep and so plenty of affection and nurture it gives them the ability to know that I can trust other people even if they make mistakes I can let other people be human because I've learned that I have a safe place in which to operate in in which the okay the second basic love being his affirmation that he talks so brilliantly about this one that I'm not going to take a lot of time with this one basically to affirm someone is communicate a message and these messages are not just verbal messages by the way if I hit you on getting your message even if I don't give you a word right there's a message connected to it and so we communicate these messages in many different ways and to affirm someone is basically to communicate to them their essential value and worth a lot of people don't know that even get into them and this is something that we struggle a lot with them even in the seminary we struggle a lot with people who don't know their own essential value and worth they try to get their value and worth from God but it turns out to be an addictive thing because using God to get something that they don't now how does that make sense so there's this fine discrimination line that often we cross into religious addictions and all of that is that we need to be very much aware of especially in churches like ours with very high performance standards okay so some affirmation that was an extremely important one Jesus was affirmed right this is my beloved son in whom I am well please many of you heard that when you were kids this is my beloved daughter all I love you find the lounger in this world I'm glad you're in my life I see how many really got that message when it was spoken verbally nonverbally that you just knew that all we want to know just precious to my parents know that that's how God relates to us with that kind of just unabashedly unashamed embrace of of of affirmation and so it's important okay the want to talk about is acceptance was a time attention a reluctant attention now been used to be said that no quality time is what's important right than it is spending quality time with your kids however what research is showing now is that it's not just quality time with quantity of time as well that's important in today's world where people are working to her three jobs or whatever they have to do in order to make ends meet or keep up with the Joneses they don't spend quality time with their kids that the children really need in order to grow and to develop the way they need this is a basic love me of children for you to be involved in their life you know what I love to do now with my grandbabies is opted on the floor and play with them mainly just like trucks and cars and whatever to make them laugh and hug him and I can down into their world we make the mistake very often of making our children into our adult world and they nearly get missed in the process and that their love needs get matched and so getting down attending to them is extremely extremely important and doesn't God do that with us he's entered into our world is a manual he's become one of us he interacts with us it's a beautiful personal ways and so on this basic gluttony you know I remember God is love right God is love and so he's given us needs that he alone is designed to meet slowly but our parents are designed to meet foundational he and so and so all of these needs are our things in God God gives protections essential and essential love me now there are many ways of describing this protection thing for example I was as a parent I put locks on the doors locks on the Windows that in mind when snatching my kids why did you know the locks on all under the sink so they wouldn't get in the poisons I did the little things over and over the electrical outlet so they wouldn't give Zach Nelson that's protection and its important protection but the kind of emotional protection the children need to go far beyond simply that okay protection means you know if need be on a fight for you member that their father they got on the bus recently and he just let everyone know that bullying his daughter was no longer acceptable and you don't think I got taken off the bus and got a little bit of trouble for it that his daughter new that he loved her so much that no matter what he was fighting for her different someone fight for you that way they just left you to yourself you know this is an important love me but also even beyond that point humans establish rules in the home okay do this don't do this you know because I love you and I want you to be safe that's an important part of protection it's helping children learn this concept of boundaries that were to be talking about tomorrow okay and so so protection basically is not a rule that I made to make my life better but it's a rule that I'm making for you for your safety and the spirit of prophecy talks about there should be a few rules but they need to be consistently enforced okay and so when children know those rules which what they function well within those parameters but when there are none when this permissiveness or when there's overprotection then children have great difficulties with that okay the next love needed to discipline discipline and doesn't the book of Hebrews tell us that the Lord chastens those whom he loves right so this is a very clear love needs no discipline doesn't mean beating them up discipline means to teach them to disciple down with the objective of why want to be able to function successfully as an adult one day and so on trying to equip you for disciple you for success in this world without me that's basically what wise parenting desk and so disciplining is how can I correct you in such a way that you know learn from this too often parents were unwise discipline their children because kids make them look bad and that's about who was at about the candor about the parent is not the parent and so again there's so much more to be said about this okay after discipline them Tom is another basic lovely and that his converts comfort and so when when your child falls down and stings their knees and comes crying to you or when that happens to you when you were little boy or girl how did your parents handle it the day that I comfort you appropriately order they say stop crying crybaby get out and stop acting like a sissy okay you see God is called in second Corinthians chapter one the God of all comfort who comforts us in all of our tribulations okay many of us don't know about is a comforter we might know Mrs. Savior Lord Enos you know someone who's transcendent holy all of these things but we don't know them personally especially especially is a little one is a comforter and end here's something I want to really tell you and that is this when you're you have all hurts and pains as a little child no rejections and so on and so forth and you become an adult and those things have not been comforted those things have not been comforted if you're not going to be united and know God is a comforter even have to learn about God as a comforter all over again and what do addicts do you know when I use something whether it's filled in refrigerator sex whatever happened to me why you something it is usually to deal with what pain I'm hurting hurting little boy a little girl who's never had my basic and so you know I be directed to 32-bit inpatient treatment program it was a great program and you know what here's what here's what we found we taught people the steps and no working through the steps and treatment always something classic treatment programs do but who relapsed the ones that relapsed the ones who we were not able yet to get to this level of pain they still needed to do something to deal with this okay to deal with this and so they might stay clean and sober from alcohol or drugs but what when they do they start using photographs are using sex is something else because the court of the addictive process is not as to this is what Jesus can go the God of all comfort and again we don't have a lot of time to unpack that right now but I just want to say to you that there's still some hurts and wounds Jesus wants to minister to you there anyone else if you asked him to and again remember the angriest thing that they talked about earlier times that you have to handle that stuff let me angry no that doesn't matter to God you're the one that matters to God okay now here's the last let me before I can before I go and was the last one every concentrate his guidance now this is particularly important when you get into into adolescence guidance now guidance is as a child I know that my parents are going to give me godly counsel okay I can come to them how many of you when you were getting into young adolescent years can go to your parents and tell them everything that they wouldn't they wouldn't condemn you they wouldn't they wouldn't have talked about you they wouldn't meet you out there would lecture you that's a big thing and we would you wouldn't get lectured that they would listen to you carefully even if you told him how badly you messed up and you were still safe to do that without okay God wants you to be safe to do that with him to tell him anything he knows it anyway just waiting for you to embrace it and tell him down and the Saginaw sun this is this was also my words says he does how do you know talks to you very personally about you and about what you need in and items that you might need so these are these are some of the basic gloving the important point here is that the children in that dictate families to all get these names match therefore they go around life trying to get the match that's their big thing in life my love needs work Matt is on the try get my luggage up to you okay we've been saying this directly but it's true we use people together love thanks Matt we use them we don't intend to but that's what we do which is broken little ones to using people to try and make ourselves whole but backwards because that's not the relationships that is what we do okay so family is dysfunctional families there are basic rules by which these families live don't talk Jones trust don't feel to be as perfect may be a good and so don't talk about what's going on in this family because you make us look bad okay stuff your feelings you're not allowed to have feelings because if you have feelings about what's going on about you know oh come on drunken or e-mail so I know you know on the car door in whatever I do you make me look bad if you come and talk to me about your feelings that I have to start addressing my contractor runs from my feelings after my kitchens about now don't trust anybody you know an opinion in in some addictive homes we have to be honest there is abuse that goes on and you don't talk about that okay the perfect though you have to be perfect even though I'm not the next message okay and again you have to do all these things in order to make me or make this family system look good these are dysfunctional rules and never spoken but the message is clearly communicated this is what you have to do this is what you have to do so these are rules that are very very important they're also roles that are taken on in these dysfunctional families they were rolled of course there is the addict roles but also there is what we call the chief enabler roles and the chief enabler as is most often the spouse most often but not always but what is an enabler do in a dysfunctional family covers for them calls in the job you know well he's got the flu when he's really not got the flu so they lie you to cover for the addict they fail to intervene and see the addiction if you will going okay sometimes I might buy their substance for the more whatever may happen to me but they're the ones that there there is delighted to another chief role that they've taken on is to enable the addicts to continue to the addictive process often though in the family there is what's called the family hero now we have a picture of a messed up family here I went someone has to make the family look good so what is the family he wrote in a family hero is often the one that goes out and is very successful in business successful maybe in the nonphysician note being a professional person someone is elected he will bring glory to the family for making the family that's the role of the family hero and so we have all kinds of people that we see as pastors and and so forth that Andrews who could have this pastoral role hopefully there's all kinds of dysfunction in their family and so I asked him warning what he wanted a pastor what you call the master is an important question is it because he wanted to make the family look good maybe not intentionally what is it that dynamic there you need to address to to make the family look good and so why do I do what I do extremely extremely important so the family hero the families to hero still has all kind of pain going on in their lives in the most successful their lonely they feel guilty very easily there always feelings going on all of these different roles and have always feelings of not been addressed we talk about in a moment often there's a scapegoat in the family and often what I see when people come to talk to me is that an adolescent for example will be acting out him I got pregnant door you gotten involved with the law somehow or whatever and what the function of the state will result in all the black sheep of the family is that all of the problems of the family are projected onto this one individual note there are the bad one of the ones are making the family looked bad the rest of us are okay were in denial that we say were okay and so what doesn't what does this lesson too comes in to talk to me what is he really saying his messages without saying it our family is not okay on bringing attention to that fact we need help and so goes the healthiest one in the family system in the adolescent is the healthiest one in the family system seriously and so you remember remember me when you're dealing when you're dealing with a family system the whole system is sick not just the identified client or patient the whole system needs how the whole system needs intervention because all of these unhealthy things are going on in the family you often have in the family someone taking on a mascot role a mascot of the family clown is another name for it is the one that that relieves tension in the family through telling Joe serve being cute or funny okay that's another that's another common role that we tend to see and the last of there many many more roles in these I'm just giving you some of the major ones is what we'll call the lost child the lost child responds to the chaos in this addictive family by withdrawing going off to themselves and going into the closet playing with her little dollies and they become very independent I don't need this family you I'm okay all by myself and so that they may really are lost and they have a hard time really connecting related only with people because they taken on this loss talent will now pull things that want to say about this before we move on is this that these roles are not stationary their dynamic roles because the family system is used in a dynamic situation and so at one point I might be December zero another one of my biggest get-go or know someone might change roles as a growing development in the family system okay now here's what I want you to do next please if you are can identify as a child in this kind of a dysfunctional family what kind of feelings do you think these children might have feelings you think you tell me on a right secured insecure what else is angry I'm sorry okay Shane 's isolated or alone made me feel alone or lonely what else afraid gas kills you on the problem you might feel guilty what else rejected sorry in adequate thing you learn how to put okay getting it might feel abandoned and that is another good one maybe what else can you think of one-of-a-kind feelings on love him I feel in love and the house okay you don't look too hard and I search your own heart figure it out so all of these feelings are going on always feelings are going now can these chairs go to their their addict and an co- addict parents and say I'm feeling angry at you because you abandoned me is a safe thing for them to do remember that remember the rule don't feel don't talk right as of this dynamic is set out for these kids that all these feelings going on that they have no outlet for an what we what we want to describe this as using garbage can a garbage can so in in the garbage what happens in a garbage can in the middle of summer stinks the stuff inside it Watson children's eyes okay and so that's what happens inside these children inside us when we don't have someone who can we can tell our story to them they can affirm our reality right wow that must've been painful but we don't have anyone to share with our feelings get stuff except for once in a while what happens with all this while all the gentrification in a garbage can in the summer it's really come out somehow right and so you know what you know about volcanic eruptions and from a garbage can see we could stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff so long but sometimes I need a release and will we feel guilty somehow I didn't mean to go off and you that way but why do we because these feelings is for this pain has never had affirmed minister to spoken okay it becomes good compost radio fertilizer for somebody else and when I want to tell you is that this is the condition of our hearts this is our heart work harder than anyway and you know you have a wonderful thing I love about God is he's a heavenly sanitary engineer seriously he is not afraid if we will let you know if we will take the lid off our garbage can she jumps on in their with us and begins the work of ministry in healing and cleansing and and and and fixing all of this stuff up he's not afraid to get down and dirty with us now I love that about God because he knows were hurting in on so nothing like his tickets little boy this will relentlessly come on now when we talk to you only tell you how precious you are to me just tell you what you need to hear from me that's the truth about you always lies that you have believed all these years you can have your feelings you can e-mail you can do whatever you have but let me that give you perspective on these feelings okay that's that is not just a wonderful God win similar things that happens is when these feelings are not able to be expressed we have emotional illness physical illness research shows that probably sixty to seventy percent will go to outpatient doctor visits the primary issue is not the physical issue the primary issue is an emotional issue remember Ellen White Sands nine tenths of the diseases of the body have their foundation in the mind in the mind this is really where most people live where most people are hurting and so and so when you're dealing with someone often we try to address their behavior if you doing this wrongdoing are wrong and we try to point that out what they really need is someone to read their heart and essay wow you must really be hurting to do that tend to identify these feelings here that's healing when you point out their behavior what it's can get the condemning very often in the millionaire intended to be that way right but it feels that way to break you can talk to their heart their feelings wow and there's a connection form they know that you get them you gone beyond their behavior to what's really going on inside which is really really important now so let's assume this is a picture enough and again were talking about our little children here are little ones need so they learn how to survive this is what I need to do to do to survive and there's a very big difference between them thriving and surviving driving is like a plan to open in the spring time fully to the sun drinking at all is a wonderful surviving is that plant that should be opening itself up keeping it up close like a blind never fully opening operating in experiencing the fullness of life and that's too often what these children are condemned to do merely survival barely survived so what do some of the things that they do to survive this painful life when they do need to use friends they need here's in France perhaps okay with me if my life is chaotic somehow I need to bring it under control right and so often as we find people with this dynamic who has control issues okay because their anxiety level is so high about life that they had that has felt so uncertain and so chaotic diamond do something to bring my life under control and so I control myself I'm not controlling of myself and originated commingling predictable and I control everyone else around me to make my world safe self-control is a very big issue a success if they can remember it's a survival mechanism for them this is how I feel safe because life hasn't felt that way self dependence you know how you can listen this is connected to that don't trust rule you can't trust anybody and so it is getting begun right to ask the new one and do it myself right and become self dependent okay because I know I can at least get it done I've learned how to do that I learned how to do it well I talked earlier about performance orientation we learn how to perform as we learn how to perform we know what to do okay to get the goodies if I can do this for you on to get something back from you Leon get some log run and get some support or whatever it is that signing this is a big trap because we often end up relating to know this way you know I wrote an article a while back called performing to please our heavenly father and we've learned that we have to performance these are earthly fathers recently transposon to God okay and we had we believe that we have to perform to please him to which is the antithesis of the gospel you to perform to get his loving his loves you anyway while we were yet sinners he died for us but we know that when we become performance oriented again and families and especially in churches where there very very high standards this is very often something that we see also another structure is victim victimizer and victim victimizer often these children are hard right they been in these families there is when alumni business isn't met it may not be overt abuse and neglect something that lobby met and sometimes neglect is more damaging than overt abuse guilt is slapping I can deal with that somehow when my mind my needs are met it's like I can dissolve framework in which that it's hard for me to process that and so these these children who are victims in some way learn to operate for the victim expectancy I expect to be abused I expect to not have my needs met I expect to be taken advantage of and when this is my expectancy is that predict for me yeah that's what can happen that's exactly what's can happen and so and so we we learn to live his as we get attracted to people who victimize us but it's a cyclical thing where people who are victims often not often always become victimizers as well okay people who are taken advantage of take advantage of other people we need we can we say hurt people hurt people must just the way life works just the way life works there are many many other structures we don't have time to go into all of them this one is the flight line for the fight one fight or flight young people who withdraw from conflict court peacekeepers you know I have to keep the peace at all costs because I don't want you to be mad at me because daddy was mad at me a lot I didn't like that so I know working really hard so that no one is get an e-mail at me and so all their energy goes into Internet keeping McVey into keeping the peace sounds like a great Christian value doesn't must be a peacekeeper seen the problem is one of my peacekeeper one of my peacekeeper unit is to keep my world safe that's about me right visiting you for being mad at me that's about me and many times wanting to stand up and say no I will not permit that but people who are into into this flight no avoiding a conflict that can't do that easily because her whole purposes around keeping the peace other people of course their fighters now and they're angry people and and you know what angered us its way keeping people away keeping people from being intimate with you if I'm angry enough you won't want to be close to me and that's again a very unfortunate thing but that's what that's what a lot of people do that keep people away with various various systems another one is survival mechanism this is really important is the idea of addictions okay I'm going to use whatever I need to use to comfort the pain that I have I may not do what my dad did may not do it my mom did but I'm not how something that I do to comfort a band as at best we have these wonderful at that addictions right what are some of our Adventist addictions and food religiosity Facebook and what we have the truth now and again this is after we delve into how we relented up and become so important okay yes you shopping okay another big one is work how many of us have several offices that we do and were always involved in doing stuff that keeps us out of our feelings that keeps us from really connecting you with ourselves okay and features a study knowing that each of the seminarians on the share this one with you in this there's a survey done pastors in many many denominations including antennas about sixty percent of our pastors are engaged in pornography okay and so don't don't think we're not we are but what about it's about these it's about all the stuff we've been talking about here is that there it's out there pastor that people are right this is not about condemnation remember you know Romans eight one there is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus is trying to understand why it is so the you can free him so so what is this what is this about them how what message does this give God my controlling what messages us give God and God you are not being in Oregon to handle my problems therefore I have to do it I can't depend upon you because after all in all this mess is going in my life you weren't there any way we think therefore I have to manage it myself all of our structures we build it we call these structures that we know and we can build on structures on cell they send messages to God about his inadequacy in who becomes our God then we become are all God right exactly when we really know what the problem is getting it from here all those wonderful Bible verses is getting them from here down to hear getting them integrated down into our hearts okay that's a challenge we know what we don't know and enter no God to know him in all his beautiful aspects is what's really important here and so I build the structures and so what's the biblical solution for all the structures that I built Galatians two twenty five crucified with Christ one die die to myself listen to me but carefully in with these children who are scared to death and he was to get hurt when you start talking about dying to themselves what's it feel like to them it feels like your you telling them to open themselves back up to the hurt and pain that they felt before that was so damaging to them as with these wonderful biblical ideas but there has to be still used in order to bring people to the place where they're willing to surrender these things you just can't say surrender the outright assignment helping it's not been happen and so before we can let these things go what makes a first happen we need to build trust in God how is trust built experientially not just by someone saying trust me but we have to know when God encounters us when we encounter God that's how trust is built and when we build trust by experiencing God in the little places in the hurting places then we can say okay go on to take a little chance to trust you with this little thing okay he came through for me I will trust you with a little bit more than a little bit more little bit more until I trust until her face is built in God than we can let some of these things go but after death comes what comes after death life but we don't know what life is like on the other side of resurrection life all we know is this this has been our same world but God promises us that on the other side of this wonderful resurrection life awaiting us but were scared to grab hold of it honestly we are we are afraid to grab hold of that because we've never had we don't know what it's like it's a whole new world now having said this remember are a Bible verse we started with the iniquity of the fathers is visited upon the children him third and fourth generations so we have since witnessed they learn to survive their feelings are stuffed away in a garbage can in all of these role there taking on these rules of their living by when they come to the place of age when they are looking for a relationship what are they going to be attracted to assuming that this is still in place and that they haven't got healing or whatever where they can be attracted to someone to fulfill their their picture that we drew the line twenty now across the front of his room nineteen of them would just treat them special one on the freedom badly when you need not medically attracted to you that one that one was to fulfill their dysfunctional scripts the iniquity of the fathers are visited upon the children to the third and fourth generations of course in addition to that we know research says that the children of addicts are biologically more predisposed okay therefore to sixteen times more likely to become addicts because their brains function differently in Doctor who is not Doctor Watson talked about that this afternoon delivers metabolize alcohol and drugs differently than men not addicts livers do with them a higher tolerance normally to begin with just because they're born as a child and so we have the biological predispositions we have been the cycle thing that God said this is how life works working and so the iniquities of the fathers are visited upon the children to the third and fourth generations gone though oh there are courageous people like the people in this room who say the cycle stops with me in the cycle stops with me on determined by God 's grace by his intervention in my life to stop this now I may get the help I need to break this cycle it takes courage because it's a painful process recovery is not I can't walk recovery is painful and so that he has the good news of the gospel as it relates to the submission process that God is enough time to see a lot of us want to become the way we want to become like God comes away he knows we need for him to come these in charge really a letter in this heart of yours he says behold I stand at the door and knock if anyone will open with a scared little boys and girls were hiding in their hearts saying on up I want you not to come in because I'm scared and so he waits he won't abuse us to heal us he's very respectful he waits for us to say okay God unwilling to let you come in and start ministering here okay I'm willing to let you come in so my question is easy will you let them come into your life to do what he wants to do that bless you this video was produced by bodybuilders moving in a meeting Councilman you would like to learn more about eliminating some please visit www. I help someone .com I was more green online was www. audio reverse on board

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