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ENDITNOW: Preventing and Stopping Family Violence and Abuse, Part 2

Conference

Recorded

  • February 4, 2012
    9:30 AM
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well good morning another of the most fun of topics to talk about those of him to introducing ourselves from cloned humans remember from the ministry 's director from the North American division and my wife Pam is the associate director of the division of the department as well and those who nowise know that we enjoy using humor but there's nothing funny about this so there's nothing that we can laugh about and that makes it a little bit more difficult to present but will do our best we also like how you headed back down I made a commitment and when we may precipitate presentations we make them very practical very downturn because our purpose is to tax that member that Vincent Matthews between regardless of the educational level they and so we want to start by saying that this is not going to be a deep presentation based in the area that Iraqis can be down to earth so that the individual that currently experiencing domestic will understand regardless of where here she is in line regardless of their educational the first step in ending violence domestic violence is educating the victim as well as everybody really don't know what to do or we don't know what to do with him about renovating so what's the point or the purpose of our presentation to give you a and overall a picture of domestic violence and abuse among the assistant power you can end it if you're the victim or how you can help victims and the by supporting them on encouraging because one thing to say the fact is what are we saved worst thing anyone computers will want to just resume residing they would've left but the about us that actually puts the person on the things are sorted to explain the reasons why in some ways defending the abuser humorously about what was going again merely tell you that we're going to use a stereotype of violence toward men is about the same at the same level of violence toward women exercise apparently Brooke grossly underreported sword out of about five minus four nine two they were values the typical scenario which is biased and one of the reasons obviously is because that's been happening for a lot of the horrible a lot of years for a long time and even though there are interventions even though there's education even though there are programs continues to happen a continues to have something which is not take the one side and so when you hear breaking the cycle of violence you can also try to picture a violent storm in my list for parents is happening in the sandwich generation those who have parents living with us as well as children living without apparently of violence toward their parents is taking place of just thinking your minds in general terms but will uses the typical scenario of a woman being heard are violated by someone we can talk from experience no we haven't experienced that ourselves I cannot say from experience because my sister was physically abused by her husband for over ten years of their marriage in fact I have to confess my wife knows this whenever I landed in Florida a lot of memories come to come back to my mind because it was the first Miami was the first video we arrived to from Colombia South America where I come from and in England was the first day that I became aware but my sister was being physically abused while pregnant from minor housewife who what was the kicking her in the stomach trying to make her board and by miracle of God she didn't and their son is now thirty five six years old thirty six years old this year in fact also for mother ten or twelve years of they were married she was physically abused by her house I know that from experience I was there to pick her up at her apartment for a menu of those times to get her out of that situation only to have her go back and you will see the cycle of your secretary obviously going to talk about it as well I'm also a about alum also aware of physical abuse door demanding that my brother was physically abused by his lives of over I've seen both of those will he was in the military singling off her form of abuse or one of performance forms of control was to say to him then you better not tell anybody because if you do am going to report it to your superiors and tell them that you refuse me Sophie was filled under that sort of thrill the time when the police chaplain for over twenty five years and have witnessed domestic violence in many many instances when I'm writing with the police officers only difficult to domestic disturbance immediately you getting your mind you're going to see a man being a woman of an arrest of man and many times when we got there we ended up arresting the woman because she was getting up on the plants again I've seen both of those sites only come from from my background and experience also a psychologist and marriage and family counselor and that have to do with that so that the unit in educating people about the cycle of violence the first thing that we try to salvage the picture a clock like that him and goes these cycle of violence is predictable follows a pattern it in general terms and so the first thing that we tell you something first now I think what you said is very important that for many victims just understanding that there is a file that it will be repeated unless intervention take me just understanding the concept and not to make them aware where Arnie currently in and what's coming next and yes then they can look back throughout their relationship with the individual even if pattern had been just understanding that very often will help them get out so elsewhere working with victims week or with pastors with churches in and by the way that's another reason for doing what we do well as a ministerial director of the conference eighty lady from the church to say pastor my husband has been abusive for me and my children for the last fifteen years about the conference level we don't normally take care of every single problem that happens in every single church 's interest is just impossible that's what we have representatives of every church would call the pastors for my first question is what did you talk to your pastor and her response was I didn't okay so what do you say his response was sister to pray go seasoned elder of the church as if to say we can do anything about it and certainly we can't remove them he's an older church we would lose a leader in the church if we did something about it so we need to pray which is one of the saddest things for me to hear that a pastor is the porting the victim ended up in more ways than one supporting the abuse so again as we present is the pastors we try to encourage them to learn of the cycle the pattern and also to take steps as a pastor of the church to look after the victim not so much after the abuser value could minister to the abuser obviously annoyed to say so long farewell first the most important the critical aspect that pastors need to look after the people in the government to look after his victim as much as the abused spouse children of course could end up repeating this cycle is the eighth just imagine myself at the clock and then make it very easy for folks to understand and look at the three on your note you may want to draw a clock face every clock tower is what we refer to as honey pain of this file domestic violence now the honeymoon phase is wonderful just what the name implies your things are wonderful and relations I may be getting flowers everything I may be getting cards I may be getting chocolate birthday found the very attentive to me I like that they fit the phase where really confuses that because here see imagine the whole relationship right here and when violence happened they refer to this business cycle accident three Clocktower but there were always the weakness of the times in our relationship I remember the time when Andy referred to something that happened during the honeymoon phase if the this phase I hear that is so confusing this is the phase that keeps our victims in the relicensing it keeps them going back because of the good times not every time not every moment he's hurting me he's abusing me he's yelling at me there are the fund there are the times that I wish would go on a non- this is what I think that this is my little house with a rocking chair on the porch with a white picket fence it landed right here at three o'clock on the face so of you already taken place now the goal of the abuser is to read cursor to speak the victim to read and to win her love again because he doesn't want her to leave he doesn't want her to have to report him to the police he doesn't want her telling anybody that he doesn't want her telling anyone at work because it was so that's what he will do everything in his power to win her back that's why again he brings her flowers and he brings her chocolate and he does all those wonderful things to win to win her back and laugh the wedding pictures any fallout the family picture and the abuser may remind the victim look here look at this picture we're happy here we had a great time here until all of these warm memories are just letting you during this phase but for a moment what if the man is the one who is being abused what do you think she just went and would be what about fixing his favorite meal better yet the best thing she could do to win him back to so now he's having the best sexual experience in their married life why would you wonder what would you think about leaving this woman who's now awakened to a wonderful intimacy like they never have before to self the dynamics are the same the bribery vivid view of soulless things are different because they know if my wife is abusing this should bring me flowers has been chocolate of the legal matter to me that those other things that matter if you are I think that it hurts too much easier for me mentally emotionally if I focused my fear and pain because this is where I want to be if you feel that they are licensed somehow the best times are behind us everything has come back to the way it should be and of course it makes those promises is never going to happen again I am very sorry for rise he throws himself at her feet and so she feels we finally turned the corner it happened that I know it's happened before and he has promised before and this is the time I caught now the clock is not so bad either actually is what we call the normal days I may not be getting chocolate every day and may not be getting all the little niceties and tangible gifts from the e-mail we just kind settled down into this normal good relationship is not bad really if not mad I'm not being abusive it is my just like the couple next door a couple down the street life is still good and if I can be anywhere between twelve and six o'clock a when I know that you can be in honeymoon forever but at least we have a good relationship nothing is happening with good or good that when we moved to the nine o'clock and tension begins to rise she notes something is not right some things about the you can feel the tension it's like walking on action else you don't know when this will happen you don't know what you may say or not say you just know it's going to end solutions over this is war with this constant concern were going to talk about some of the dynamics that have been about time too because among them she things okay and refinement in the group raw the abuser will find whatever his son have to so let me in the garage and my throat to let me hearts if I'm in the kitchen he may grab a knife so where could I be wearing safe momentum in the living room because maybe you'll throw the little that will doesn't hurt I make visual symbol for the book doesn't hurt as bad as a knife or tool so she begins to sort of thing okay so what where can I be women when it happens I know it's going to happen just don't know exactly what I don't know that I have to be very careful about what I say but Ivana say anything about the upset is a facility is a constant worry that no matter what I say or do or don't so you don't do this going to happen so then why want to please even finished doing here she is now taking responsibility in how I might say the wrong to make her I do the wrong thing and so I going to do everything I can to prevent it was once again at the whole hole in the eye I will continue to be human in his another another misconstrued and it's interesting and sad that there are still a lot of people who feel that way a lot of pastors feel that way to make it out I'm sure me when he comes to children some things so so friendly everybody loves it so must be your view must've said something you must have done some so you really victimized isn't that usually first question if someone says to you or to any member of your church if they finally get to the weather willing to confine trust you had you know my husband and wife beat me up the first what is what happened instead of first response being there's no excuse for that that is wrong typically at first responses well what happened that caused in other words what did you do half the output not too long ago on FB offers a lady called the call and was a pastor 's wife who says Sabbath morning before we leave for church picks me my reader says remember you need to be paid at half past who would never imagine so again is a question or if you are aware that a lot of people think well of his wonderful man of God must be hurtful she drove him to do that in anyways why is he telling you to be hated with UBL video demonstrates that he doesn't like and make him upset that may take you every fact before you so the honeymoon phase than the normal phase and the rising tension portrait of the twelve o'clock evidence knowledge that he beats her up and pushes against the wall each folks are yells from zero ground picture you think about all cause of the print things from just shoving her aside to get in their social beneficiaries up in the hospital and abusers of one of the more they do with the more they know where to get the personal so that nobody else would talk about the big suit area is afraid that if I was a public itself which is so they get to know where to do it and how to do it so that they don't leave the evidence should loosely behind but it happens anyway fortunately exposing his while that of the explosion this is and then the normal pen of the rising tension and continues a predictable cycle all and you know he also does getting a phase during the explosion even very often while the abuses taking place the use of victim blaming state if you wouldn't have the time I witnessed how to get back on the toes of the control it you would have forced me so there again at me that he or she appeared over and over again really throughout every phase of it it's my fault I can't I can only get everything perfect I can only do everything right and I wouldn't have to endure that of course it would be hearing from someone else as well as reinforce by the church until the thousand pastors is what you do and must both of them I thought that I felt and that she says why don't you leave the delightful so it lessens the willpower of the person who instead of being empowered to believe that situation is forced in more ways than one remain in the situation is also something interesting happens between the explosion they and the honeymoon phase with all the other phases they just can't live into each other if I'm like that not all sliding around the face of the clock back between the explosion in the honeymoon phase it really almost happens immediately as soon as they abuse takes place within his heart takes place upon the we got in the driveway then all the fact and it seemed I'm sorry I'll never do it again it'll never happen again I promise once again that flaming face feels good he really didn't maybe it won't happen again this time maybe that was the last time they are again outcome the pictures out come the warm but outcome the niceties of their motorcycle that is so disturbing is that the cycle continues to be repeated endlessly research of intervention that person leaves the field they are of the abusers are going to jail a number of interventions used as a means of users of seem to be able to receive the right help to stop the services that the cycle is repeated over and over again if it is predictable unfortunately also speed so that it may only happen once every twenty years but this is happening and then there were six months or three months every month and some have said someone reported that couples go through the cycle ten to twelve times since I overflow of notice there is a brief and then eventually something that stops the cycle from the inside of the education process that we need to do with their members helping them understand you cannot free the fact if you could phrase it anywhere well my choice would be between three o'clock and six somewhere between a hanging phase and the normal things wanted to bring chocolates and flowers that will be one as vice president and I can't wait until then you can't free because just like the hands on that clock go around and around and twelve o'clock will him so will make the victims that simple illustration of the hands of the clock is just so eye-opening and so revealing and actually it's very freeing for them to finally come to the realization of this cycle because they can look back and see how that cycle has been played out in their life and finally come to the realization we need I need to take so what happens there how do we break the cycle of violence what can you do that cells were really what we want to get sued right now well obviously the first things police and let me know that weekly sort of reject that idea we work of the Lowenthal well if there is no drastic intervention commonly I remember as a pass-through of the church many many miles from here getting this lady who called me member of the church as a pastor must have been my response was I will help you but the first thing we could do this kind one one extra only it is a violation of your safety have to do with it how can we as fasters recommend that a member police if the original intervention the site you want to have it in your head you what having a cancer victim is possibly the victim was at the thought so we want to hear what I say will know when we shouldn't call the police let me see what I can do is your train counselor can you possibly intervene even sometimes trained counselors and abuse do you think of the past you without the training to do so how do you have so the first thing is absolutely fine all the only thing that also does and it finally gets to a where he and she says enough is enough if I like to make a statement to themselves I'm not going to tolerate this anymore you know God created me better than that this is not God 's plan for my life to have someone repeatedly hurt me or hurt my children that's another thing you can did get to think about the children and often he delete for themselves what type of dangerous situation are they putting their children and those things children are growing up to eventually become abusers their theme got home all more that how dad handles conflict must be no this is a normal situation and they will grow up to become abusers so getting them to call the police and take that first step is one of the most Christlike thing you can do but what happens when you call the holy rollers or pictures of your users will puts the wide end of the session is limited to the police or the most dangerous the rest of hospital no one is there a result I didn't ask you to take and what is one of your domain but I'm not asking you to take them away because I don't work in a paper bills as for the providers will shelter which is one of places where the church that can come in part of the church where what they then as you probably know that one of the things that he is many times you say you call the police anomaly out anyways I went I I I am going to find you don't think that you are either world women shelters available as soon as to what this church there was a slip the life of the fuse in front of me doing my first and every three days the move of a family to another numbers also the guy that knew where they were solicitor for the but also as the but also they never have to see when the show is a women's shelter one is not always the fastest you also have different people from different backgrounds of some enormous saves of the wife with some fuse you try to raise them properly you know from good wholesome family in general terms as they go they only have people sheltered you have people who are you longer five behaviors so does she feel comfortable comfortable shelter so what this church that was provided with a show but also a place of refuge by thick like the place of a manner never to Catholic Church that for a healthy which is in the second point talk to someone you trust obviously you would expect the choice of the pastors and church is people that would support your people know all that is friends family and one of the things love the button and as with abuses that of the via alienation that takes place from everybody else has been happening a little mother my sister my sister was his film very capable secretary she ended up before she retired she was a legal secretary one of the largest law firms in Washington is one of the CFR she was very good but yet he was always her ex-husband was always say ninth floor I make enough money for all want to stifle as something she would quickly as he brought up where you live a lie so she quit her job and after that views my friend you have a job so therefore should you have the option of going in the business as so as not only that then of course are the abusers also would say is the only difference the resulting effect so they are alienated from one no wonder they felt the same message is that no one to talk to know where to go no finances to help them what is my choice is necessary I discern what is my phone I called to I will have anyone to support my family support myself outside of the using the dynamics here that's what the remaining situation is less of the site is somewhat why don't you leave an easy thing to do probably the hardest thing is you don't have anything else will support whatsoever talk to someone obviously talk to a counselor and if you can't afford one there are agencies that provide counsel low for very low figure one thousand thousand West Virginia is an agency were some people paid as little as five dollars and find one who is possible therefore before thing we can encourage participants to do because and before I got the thing that really helps the most so many victims say I don't have a place to go and how to place a way to support myself and my family up there no options the lift they talk to you or finally talk to a trusted friend in thing you know if you were to go think about where he would go and what you would do because if they have a plan in the next time it happens easier to implement a plan already in place and all the sudden get up and just not know where to go in front to stay so get them talking about where are your options to go what are your options for finances really explore that maybe you can encourage some of our victims have told us we had a bad already but we had an emergency backpack of us are aware that talk about a fireplace you can go in quickly and have an idea of how you're going to get there was the use of the expertise of the car like the picture you go anywhere than how to did you have morning hacks and also when you have a friend close enough that you can walk to replace it and they can give you right where still have an idea of how you will get out of the house of the unit is effectively enough but it was a starting role in the magazine with the airplane you have this fire ladders in a pool rather than window is also whole journal that I might be one of the things the have one of those was in your music Lord and he locks you are putting it out of the house alone with the muffins in the other room I want down the door you don't have to use a hurry to get out so maybe that's one of those things that you have to figure out how to get out of the house connection to the city actually money maybe Gary I have an emergency bag and put some money into it or if you if there's no way you can get money if he or she is totally controlling the finances maybe there's some other options of emergency aid you can go apply to be just had a net all thought out it is very empowering you can't use my credit card level of the moment you open your castle things as we go to organize and give you money to sometimes with family and friends can get that wedding is a special way was always working on axis with a friend request which so that you will have money available for what we may have thought when you're a bank account but don't give them your routers because of the bank salesman account information for your house and he receives a is what you know I have a bank account and more so make sure that it goes through different headers above is not delivered to your home you may have to have that because of your required to have a the Social Security possibility of a partner from labor unions and you have a bank account and so you don't have one when you can go anywhere against the subsequent union in your life I can do everything I can go to work because I can't even rent an apartment so open Europe Africa and to learn how you will do but on the night before his work is one is with friends how to working car but if I think the car is full of bullies and say that I sold a slightly before because someone will longer have the number for the taxicabs in full soon as it happens that readiness important documents and all sound like what medications lately think I can leave because nearby child make this medication maybe you can have that in a place where it's easy to grab it and go over some of those important documents photos Social Security card driver 's license passport birth certificate where a marriage certificate sold most things that prove the people we will show people who you are things that you need to medical records things that you need to have medical attention for the use of almost important documents arrange for the Frankfurt have an emergency phrase talking to a friend you know the file is about to happen in place anything to say what got you beat me to help make whatever is next door to you and when I was in a pastor church and Delaware talking to one of my member she said they live far away from the city to save the drowning my head and hand me the phone and he would say going to call the police before they leave the station will whatsoever you so obviously she couldn't call only since April and she couldn't call for us to cycle helmet so maybe develop some sort of emergency phrase so that you can say looks like it might rain will sunshine out there looked like it might rain press the key phrase for your friends will understand trouble there's an emergency something is about to happen or something happened and maybe that is the emergency friend for your reference for your friend what you need on each e-mail you send has gone back into predetermined train and then adding undermined money how when I was one of the chaplain Oklahoma the year of the parliament newsletters ten one to the fourth and eighth and fifty and one hundred ten one hundred was a very interesting program for it was the emergency code so that they would say it was squat three hundred Police Department police officer have to respond he says okay that is a new purchase was about the code was you have to repeat back what it removes factors such as injury or twelve three ten one hundred response what a something housing the of the phrases of the dog is sick and so you respond over those who respond auto everything is fine until help is a bizarre access the general beekeepers of your person with understand that it is because of the consumers regardless of them for fools have a safe backup plan sure to review our pictures one of providing shelter with the members of encouragement make sure that you already provide better plan is the victim calls you don't have to sparkle like to see who might be willing to you already know what you see here through these were not aware etc. etc. so you might have felt are you may have the cellular phone plan he pays their shelters are full you can find a home of a woman's shelter in the national domestic violence Hotline and will will will is is is is is you only guess is we have to understand that to the FDA's convict them having a plan is very often what it takes to make them leave I recently went to think Claudia and I would not think of I've got my separate bag here of you my passport my documents my medicines that I think it's just it doesn't fit into our paradigm but remember you don't live in that world and what keeps them is not having a plan not having a place to go not being able to provide for my kids providing from a kid it number one for me even if that means I have to get the help making those arrangements making a plan if any of the workforce of mere helped me take that step I need to get both an enabling unit of the power of a bona fide school for social of obviously prefer from Laguna Beach with more respect for human war to let them know that got you so that when it comes to come up vacant we will know that you are a will keep your communication private of the challenge specially dollars telephone conversation is obviously as logical page number betrays text messages that betrays the e-mail message is as of the development conversation very private I can take his phone right now and I can look at the history I know who he's called I know how long he was on the phone I can tell you the Internet site is look at I can tell you even the images he viewed on the Internet all of those things make it very easy for someone is controlling the kind he denied on your spouse if you have a landline and avoid making long-distance phone calls from home is just a matter getting that information from you and Roberto Orval assortment Bob is Arkansas is very good the idea of consumer requirements or other three Colston sexes of lives in Texas was found of interest on the user-friendly way but by having the phone number is I know we removed so I could trace them back there so people that information in private precautions when using a cell phone clearly is strictly of it Nicole messages and always we are not traceable metal and be aware of controlling the use of your be aware of controlling the use of your cell phone trolls your use of the cell phone will know that is regularly checking to see how to trace it back where else can you get help I'd like to know you have some of our informational regular business cards and brochures obviously your doctor or hospital emergency room but they are by law to protect you since a little villages in the reporting of the recording of the heavily evidence please recited in the police reports etc. etc. will call shelter crisis center will replace counseling for mental health Center place and when Beaufort for so again we can file the report of the people be given as to what happened my sinuses you will want to go up there so you don't tell anybody ruthlessly happened several times and finally one day you decide to reporter supposed to have some exiles but there's nothing report where is there is a record of the firm reported in the subject called and they know that if they give so those have excessive things that you have on your church obviously so that they gave the pastor and I would hope the pastor to three of those things in such a such a time she called and told me these things I saw what happened she wanted one thing you can't force a victim 's ability but at least you have regular posters of the new something was okay where to organize that there is I know you're going to will talk about those things that are working nicely assembled the size of the views that so here request is this media was used by bodybuilders including NAP health summoned if you would like to learn more about the NAV Summit please visit www. and help someone .com it was more green online was www. maneuvers on board

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