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From Empty to Overflowing

Christian Berdahl


Christian Berdahl

Founder of Shepherd's Call music ministry



  • July 26, 2012
    7:00 PM
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my father in heaven Laura thank you so much for your tender promises and tender mercies and blessings that you have for each one of us thank you for who you are thank you for your character thank you for this amazing creation human places within thank you for Jesus thank you for the ministering angels thank you for your holy Word thank you for the spirit of prophecy banking for like-minded saints thank you father thank you thank you thank you for all the blessings that you place in our lives many times a focus on the problems father and when I lost my son the last two weeks is because I was focusing on the problem and not the problem solver you Lord I ask that you would please bless these meetings and more I would ask public or even that he would just interview me with your spirit and that he would even physically help me but the father is not is not according to will and at least scarcely speak through me Lord we love you and I pray that you help us to glorify you certify elicited about all men unto me and that includes Eureka Montana thank you for this group of young people here I pray that you would bless our time together now in Jesus name amen Matthew five and will start the first three Blessed are the poor in spirit this for there is the kingdom of heaven blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted Blessed are than me for they shall inherit the earth blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they shall be filled honest and say they might be amended they shall be filled that's it that's a promise and if God says it shall be done will be done absolutely it shall I feel blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God if he has he got down these things if you have a Christian perspective you've been raised as a Christian oriented person for any span of your life some of these texts absolutely probably makes sense to someone maybe they don't I can tell you being raised in the home that I was raised in this sound like a bunch of baloney to me because in my home oh we were poor in spirit you see I was raised in a home where there was no Jesus we're poor in spirit as in like there was no hope my mother was seventeen years old when she had me sixteen which got pregnant with me my father was nineteen do you think that they were ready to take care of a child all day work in a my mother was barely learning how to iron and no cook foods should now set attend to a baby and my father was not willing to become a father he was kissing kissing touching talking with a girl that he shouldn't of been at an age where you should've been doing that are you with me not really not argue with me okay so no cover your thinking is and so here we have a young woman and a young man and they have a baby using my mom back in the day it wasn't cool to be pregnant I've learned that now doesn't really matter you know my niece who just radicalize school is having a talk with her a couple years back on Thanksgiving and what I was talking to her about my concern that she would be like grandma make poor decisions with grandma sitting right there you want to wait and save yourself instantly started laughing as you know I'm not having young intimate relations like that all she says that is not a matter of whether you are not this is how many people like you are taking pictures of it and sexy sculpt you know when you send inappropriate pictures of people of your body parts it should be revealed for only your spouse and I was absolutely shocked at how much things have changed in the twenty years since I did in high school and I thought it was kind of scary risqué when I was in high school I wasn't even a Christian I was just kind one of those good boys I really didn't want you all with all that said that's far too complicated so my mom and my dad have this young little baby while my mom showed up at her mom 's house of my grandmothers when she told her pregnant she swiftly received a slap across the face I was told you'll be married young lady Novak and then it was the barest house with a badge of honor something my mother was in the inside because her father is not fill the place in her heart and my mother was empty inside she had learned about Jesus either of us just to drop off sometimes and she was a little girl at Sunday school but the parents her parents to go in as a convenient babysitter so there was no true fulfillment in her heart her life and from her father or from a father in heaven and so she began seeking for the attention through male figures as she wound up in a precarious situation and Lala drank so the reality is she was not fulfilled properly as a young lady and she wasn't filled with their father 's love for the father 's love does that make sense so she was seeking for a males law busy God wants us to be in a relationship with him to where he can fill you I've heard it described like this there's like that Jesus shaped hole in each one of us put anything else in that hole and it will not fill it up properly you know maybe like a car that we really want or that way that we wanted that girlfriend we want work this career that we wanted this kind this amount of money we try to fill that Jesus JV other things in and for some reason it is never satisfied and this would happen to my young mother and little did she knows she would be passing that on to me because in my home my mother and my father didn't even know how to hardly how to get along they were just waivered in Brooklyn for now they got to be husband-wife with no guidance from him and that you are kicked out your slap in the face so I was raised in a home with no Christianity there was no Jesus it was just work well when my dialogical father worked at was one of the problems he was a kitten you want to grow up yet so now he is out jumping from job to job to job the job and by the time I was six six or seven years old we had moved thirteen times because you go and rent an apartment and innovative ready to take down I know that I set a new adventure removing somewhere else I have different schooling to go to a different neighbor gets to play with and so there was a lot of unrest in my home my mother had two more children with my biological father so there are three of us boys and I'm the oldest errands the middle and Brandon is the youngest overall three years apart and so my brothers and I were raised in this home until about seven years old where there was no Jesus there was no hope but there was fighting and there was bickering and there was yelling all the time because I didn't know this until later in my life not only was my father not not a thesis saying maybe still say not bringing home the bacon right as evidence received all the while samples so we he wasn't bringing home the money so the bills could be paid and as a result you keep getting kicked out that is tiring after a while by the way young ladies if the man you are interested in doesn't have a job he's not the right one yet it might be the right one but not right now and if you'd like to continue my mother 's phone number and you can color the state Jesus and Mary got got a job that by the way men if you have to live in your parents home with your new bride you're not ready to be married that's a hold of the weekend but anyway so the idea is that they were not ready and as a result now they had three cycles but they were in charge of word to be raised for the kingdom of heaven but there was no heaven anywhere right so as a result we were raised by the self-evident Apple all we did know it as does how life was so the yelling and screaming and fighting it because three little boys were quite weak will be children were yelling and screaming and fighting mimicking what we saw right I heard it said from a master who works with children is a PhD is an amazing and he said Christian you know our children are just like us just a little worse in character another words they'll learn from us are bad character traits and magnify those this is how works they mimic what they see they just happen to do it really well and so I was mimicking what I saw Nelson angry little child and as my parents I got to the ripe old age of seven the first will experience my life happened another finally I got enough tired of it not only was he not bring home the funds but he was also a drug addict and an alcoholic and he was not faithful to his marriage covenant he was chasing skirts as you would say he was out try to have a growth with everybody and as a result my mom finally decided enough and she divorced him wound up moving into my aunt 's house for little while one among a marketing work outside the home through the stay-at-home slave mom and I say slave in a sense like my mother my wife is a stay-at-home mom but you see in that household my mother was a slave it was everything he wanted it was all for him and him it wasn't a very unhealthy situation she was basically a slave and so was very unhealthy as a result she says let's go we move into my aunts house and were living there now and during that period time I had my appendix explode outbursts which is not a good situation and her son visited the hospital was in there for several days having my first operation and what work through that my mom gets on her her gets a job like my aunt used to run a present she was a present of the banks my mother became a bank teller at her bank and Aleman better first job if I save up enough money for us while we were on government assistance to go and move into a little duplex on the Google court in load I California and it was just the four of us and we lived on this stuff called spam and whatever her to the south is this meet stuff I don't know exactly what it is but it's all the parts of the animal that didn't make it into the packaging and use it to write it up and I went to anyway that was like our main course and my moderate buses soda analysis Adam we had the worst diet in the world we had lots of stress and there is no Jesus my mom had to send this to a babysitter and ultimately that a babysitter her son who was a teenager wound up molesting about twelve of us children including both of my brothers and myself and it went on for the entire summer and that would be the first time I was sexually molested and so emptiness and emptiness and and and nothing nobody taking care of me my mom is gone she's out works is not raising me I'm pond often different people to to take care of me but they're not taking care of me and my brother actually harming us and so it really was not a good chocolate and then my mom met a man that she got married to and then things got really bad really bad in fact the activity that went on in the home from eight years old until I was a sophomore in high school were criminal my stepdad was honestly I think something kind of twisted in his mind in the Korean War and we came back to innovative know about all that post and I stress disorders and things like that but I believe best how to part of what he was dealing with there was no Jesus in his life none still in my mother 's life is so now we have a woman with three boys and a man joining up as a family with no Jesus again and this man's whole mantra and eggs reason for existence was to make money and he ran a metal fabrication shop and I at about eleven or twelve years old was already a welder and learning how to hide not learning but running a break presses and notches knowledge and bending and cutting off pieces of steel and we conform what ever you want and create whatever you want so I worked in a hands-on environment and when we are at home any time there was any sort of disruption in the home with us children caused any sort of disruption and leering mediately Spain and I'm not talking about you know it is like you even just talk too loud and we would be we distinct immediately next I can still hear my gears of forty three years old I can still hear my ears what it sounds like when he would pull off his belt unit of global and around the belt loops as he pulls that thing out I can still vividly hear that and I ought to give you a couple examples and I'm not to go deep into a lot of a single telecast is only darker and that's not to glorify the Lord but I want you to understand the depths of where I came to a degree so you can understand why I am so absolutely on fire for God because once you've boldly got my heart delivered me I felt free and I I felt the freedom I had never experienced before but you know sometimes you don't really know how good it is unless you've you've experienced it really bad I don't than existence and don't miss under concert event that you have to go out to the world and get really bad before you can experience the good an excerpt young people tell me that I got a lot of the worlds like you have a testimony when Jesus brings it back one know that actually what I was seeking for when I started looking into religion with someone that had done that will be the strongest testimony ever amen I cannot over seeming Christianity doesn't work you don't have to be like a double meaning the good person has to stay away from evil my whole life interconnected the diseases again if there filled with the Holy Spirit and I was looking everywhere for some young people like you who will actually tell you with their parents guidance with the Holy Spirit IMC never met you guys that's the strongest testimony ever it easy for the Lord to take a drunk and make them so that's actually easy it's easy for the taken from the depths up to something that's praise with an amazing I say it's in this day and age it almost seems like an impossibility for a young person to state you are from their birth until they die or until the eighties a giraffe and the fact that you are not running off into the world and that you're not engaging in things that you should be in an a lot much and you'll have polls and struggles things like that of course this is how Christie Christianity thing works but a second fall into those things work he then got back up his eleventh victory that is what I was looking for some eighty cents and so all the persons that were in my life and the Catholics of different ones that are all around me there was there was religion all around me busy I didn't see any Jesus all around me I didn't see any comfort is solely not outward man I know it means today but I didn't know any converting souls around me they were just people that were just like me but they went to church church for our suits you apparently get filled so they could be good for the rest of the week but friends it was the same jokes it was the same bad words it was the same attitude St. John the same alcohol at the same drivers the same inappropriate is everyone so they went to church for a couple hours on one day one I couldn't explain to you with me they were being filled but with what and as the weekend progresses we'll get into a little bit of perhaps what they were being filled with so my my stepdad wasn't authoritarian from the spoon from the get-go I'm even over all the discipline and we had her chore charts and any like charts and lists the most similar chore charts that wasn't done it wasn't done accurately you would in a pay and to give you an idea geeky loud hitting in the head having your hair he would just charge was shaking violently whenever one time I remember in any of the backend yet across her face and she was shaking me so hard article how this happened I didn't know this could happen recently so hard the next thing I remember was I was laying in the hallway by myself I passed out and he has left me alike will the lesson government was being shaken miracle might not operate so at and that's just those is over simple things actually that wasn't like as my bet wasn't made the best because there was a original in the comforter on the back in all everything like the military and so it was a really stressful environment as a child I give you one example it was my my punishments as I was sick and tired of everything was going on I was about fourteen years old I think at the time unknown no skiers the nominal I was in fourth grade son hold also one four three twelve ninety nine ten I would've been touted and eleven because I had to redo the fourth grade ten or eleven I was around ten or eleven and we cut firewood every summer as we burned a lot of blood in our home and so I will not only in the metal Fab shop but also cutting a lot of firewood and my stepdad gave me a punishment to stacks seven cords of firewood by myself now you guys living in Missouri probably know what a cord of wood is when I talk to people about my testimony in the city that no idea what was a cork on the own goal with the Cordon Bleu know you have no idea what according so if you got is long by four foot by four foot day so it's three stacks of wood is sixteen inches each makes for February appointed the idea right times seven and on this baby and my punishment was because I decided that I was the runaway wins are not backup that was the next step I got that punishment because I have not watched the long pulls out with hot water and soap it wasn't just good enough to fill up water dinner just wanted out hot water and soap and you come in and he'd feel the sides of the ball make sure it wasn't like all gooey and stop avoiding jacket and it was it was Julie and slimy and I got seven courts stepped in with him it's also here is what was probably the infraction was this day the consequence was this day okay is like some of the preaching I heard around as a child if you steal a piece of garment don't confess that repent of that than you burn in hell forever Chinese consequence wow sounds like my stepfather see how my brain was thinking you think I want anything to do with the vengeful God like that now I was living with something like that already Irene and want that so young age uncertainty to train I don't need still a piece of gum you burn in hell forever sounds a little out of balance to me right and exact zoological thinking absolutely it is so here I am sitting here afraid of God afraid of my stepdad and are supposed to be the father figures in my life now big hole is being developed in my life is what happened so I wind up coming home I start stacking the filing finalize a forget is I'm looking at these mounds of Windows 7 what is is a colossal amount of wood and it looks even bigger to a young guy is unlocked for a grown man the stack by themselves and suffice it forget it so I ran away I'm not here and I ran two doors away to my neighbors house a soapbox in my mind is my stepfather had us all wrapped around his finger so much so that my mother was told if she has said anything about the way he was abusing her engine friends she was abused in ways that of females should never be abused by anybody and so 's my mother was we work not only as children but my mother was going through all of this as well and so here's my mother being abused not only intermittently but she was being abused physically as well my mother and lots of bruises lots of fights and and I'm go to sleep listening to the fight my rooms shared a wall with bears may be fighting and arguing almost seemed like every answer was never night of Western music Mike and so I ran away and here he had told my mother she has said anything about was going on he would tell us three boys and told us three boys that if we has anything he would tell our mother so you say anything in fact you want to do he does act like everything 's okay so not only was I being trained about basically that be scared to hate God and take my stepfather but also you just you just have to think act like everything is fine when it's not and put on a smile when you want to yell and scream and run away I'd started and trained up as little after I didn't even know so my step father comes home early and I ran away on hiding underneath the trailer of my neighbor my neighbors when even alternating helping out here I'm sitting under of neither trailers these driving around his motorcycle for me screaming my name I can man I'm so dead now well fast story what happens is eventually they get home I go in the house with bent on playing ladles with my friend and of late night the neighborhood mother say white wire to homeless going on running away a right way while I was fairly clever enough to figure out that she would call my mother and I guess what I was doing is trying to reach out and cry out without actually crying and say we were being means of a second said it was say anything but my neighbors like you know what's going on they didn't see anything was going on apparently and so the reality is I wound up going back home and my step dad sat me down and he just looked me in the dissenting on even know it do you go to bed and so for three days he sit there do they just look you are the sky to be a good one this is the never happened to my son can't get out here so then three days later he finally tells me not similarly the marketing is I had to figure out figured out your plasma he's all excited easily is easily gleeful but in the car has beyond town and in California it's all produce right words to write down in the Valley and as a result by the way the Lord is really litany move freely praise God that's and that's awesome so we head out he says he's as big around as it was at any time I set a word manages the back anything around so I I I think the road and headed out the road as were heading down the road is still needed to pick an orchard so we pick an orchard as were driving down the origin on the side of slowing down he told me to take a route and Isaac Figaro we get out of the car as we start to walk down the road he tells me to bigotry and thinking I I'm serious guys I was literally thinking that he was going to hang me to understand that sounds pretty far-fetched sounds like big stories here the reality is I had already been tied up down because of of different things going on in my life are different is that I I said or I did that Artie been tied up at Artie been gagged I don't even knock out in fact by this time I already was hit struck in the head so hard by him I had a grand mal seizure wound up in the hospital series and I wound up having to be on medication for my seizures to help me and I would have petite mall and a petit mal seizures that's why I can report a repeat of fourth-grade I is Donna McAleer 's school and so I noticed that it had built so far Mike denies anything I do think you tell me obviously but maybe what the names of my life to teach me a lesson so I finally told me to bigotry at Intel's medical help in the trades only to pick a branch of events I figure out on one of the cutting a branch in a Whitney with now I'll take the belt any opera switch never been switched before I tell you what the belts of great convention compared to the switch is flattened why it's not this is thing that lasting breaks can cause welts to raise up off your skin and so he gets taking on all the way home he's praising me for such a good job I picked the perfect one so you never heard praise except for when it was twisted in an and spun backwards you don't say so tracing all the way home we get home safely dominant backcourt and has me take off every little twin every little body is these the loss of almond orchards out there and using the almond orchards they did when they first see without they get this really long shoes that are amazing and they make perfect switches I didn't know all this praise the Lord my children don't know about it as God changed my heart I could've wound up being just like that without Jesus so he's sitting down as he whittled this thing down telling us it's a good way I have a really naughty is that knife and says in the court of Andrew and Thomas me for a few more days comes home and on the sword I was a long day to pick up the Swiss lingo of the novel and not really ready set it back down their day comes home has been stripped down to nothing hold onto the bunk bed post that men began to switch me and with need from my neck to my ankles and I had Chris crossed raise welts all on my backside and my mother when she came home she saw it not only that I get that but I was grounded as well as a runaway to the neighbors house my mom said that that that that was a little overboard don't you think and of course he got in trouble because she even dare to go up against him that's an example of the type of life that I had with my stepfather I'm not going anymore can we say men so you see when I said blessed are the poor in spirit I mean I is not to say I wasn't blessed as I was so beaten down of course there is not the what what this is meeting right is vital since we understand that so the fact is that were not proud and that is what I was trying anywhere in the man might myself there was a distance dripped from us as a reality was I understand being poor in spirit Blessed are those who shall mourn apparently household be real blessed because I had been warning my whole childhood for they shall be comforted while there was no comfort my home nodding from my mother is my mother had mentally checked out she stopped being our protector and she was just surviving as well and they shall inherit the earth blessed are the meek for they shall hurt your while while I had definitely be me if I said anything if I will even the wrong way I got physically beaten work or something what I really learned how to be me not real muteness but I say neatness is inside I wanted to take them out in fact I attempted suicide multiple times myself about a star on my hand is this long to my brother on I had any glass across you are not I wanted to work at his job because when you work at a shop the beans were worse because mom was leaving around Western industrial Park in the middle of the night nobody hears anything with machined reborn on everything I put my hand between two chairs a separate future of wooden chairs I put one here and one here I have my brother get on the table one way and try to jump on my arm to bring my arms I did have to go to that place morning and I didn't I don't see how being poor spirited mourning and and being meek and all the sky subsequently a blessing that anyone would come to me as a child with some of these verses and I explained them how to set date out of here you have a clue what my life is about and still is going to burn in hell forever clear what I want when you have so this is where my mind was I wasn't an easy child I couldn't do anything right I couldn't leave my stepfather no matter what even if I did the job good my mother had checked out I wasn't in the little kid crying out for father 's attention and there would be in my life so my this went on and on and on and I finally had had enough up until I was a sophomore in high school now a biological father was in and out of my life he was still a drunk he was still doing drugs he was still a bunch of different women he even went AWOL from the Army is not made of the Army will straighten up the digital Wally 's house without we need to accept mailed on the Army the guy was interested in doing anything and so he might not have full custody but he had visitation rights and it was set up to where he could only be with my grandmother at my grandmother 's house as under supervisory supervised visits so we were he was doing good for little bit he was the accident his library was started to get little did we know he was still drinking heavily and smoking pot and doing other drugs well he finally convince my mother that he should be able to these proven himself as she didn't also said that he should be able to have his children for the weekend even without a baptizer and my mom that she consented well that weekend and drunken drugged strung out stupor my biological father molests a street children please sorry this looks not on your side seemed like nobody is on my side to my God was tonight Jesus was on my side my mom was not my son my dad and my grandparents are going to Scarlett no I don't see here here anything about is a raw freedom to appoint Stettin so my biological father wanted being in and out of our life and we were we were all a mess no blouses that Jesus Christ died for the ungodly I was ungodly like my brothers were ungodly my mother was ungodly my my father was ungodly my stepfather was on Donnelly yet you still die for all of us which is that it makes sense to me either at first and then as a sophomore in high school I finally went to Child protective services and I just said I got but I didn't talk to them as those me was a friend as you know what what what would happen if this guy would fit this counselor assigned to happen to call my parents is a you know Chris and I would like respect Chris Chris is Jonas must've interesting stories are so like that old man I'd be in trouble so I just acted like it was a friend ultimately I had an intervention to where I was he will sit down for my mom I said that seven talking with people at school I will phone number I have a name exactly where to go if you lay one more hand on it because I wasn't as cool but I was trembling like a weed in the wind meeting against my abuser and stolen if you touch will more hair on the one of our heads there will be jail time and convictions and you're going away for a long time and desolate even go to jail but he didn't touch another hair ahead out of his habit he will however was I face-saving times and I always like to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and and I wanted to turn on the prey casino and a little happiness in your home even if it's from a parade is a good thing when your homes in a so I turn the thing off I watched in the big things like this everybody's happy unlike on I will live many more than one look at all the step becomes Enzyte is a change that you do that unless I am I went as a cannot want anything just because I say can I watch that he came up to me I guess he was discredited and I went on any hearing loss it didn't cut it up and I knew at that moment tables like now what I did talk that way but anyway but you know when you visit our less when you can so the boys of any power of any self image of any anything at all the sudden you can go to him and say don't talk to me anymore just leave me alone that's a thousand antitheses been oppressed you don't you don't get it and you know what I hope none of you can relate amen I know some of you can see him look at your additional vacancies in the near eyeballs as it takes one to no one frankly that's not think wherever I go I get a refund of his enemy size holiday for second but the point is I think all around and I give my testimony it stirs things up in different people that have had issues and trials and challenges and and violations and things and what I've noticed I thought that when I go rattling want to hear my story especially in the administers some damage judgment on the holiest people at Little did I know men are some of the sickest ones to some of the deepest dark hidden sin is an oral church friends why because the church is a place for our souls that need a hospital in a new well the church is not a place for perfect people on the deeper people go there you know many of us are looking for the perfect church and .org Q find a perfect church don't join because you will is a whole number we can by the way so you necessarily want to get through and get through this so the tape types turn my mother finally wakes up and realizes the licensees in and see sets it up she goes to the police to know when you do a divorce without even using go to the police department not normally but my mom had the presence of mind to go to the police department say I'm living with a violent man I'm leaving and I'm divorcing him but I need help can you offer me any help so the police department actually assigned a police officer in a black and white to show up and sit in right outside of my house the morning that she was the buildings that we are leaving she also told the family and they also now time and they showed up with the big U-Haul truck and we with the police stand by my mom told him we are leaving the police even told her because of his violent street by the way I applauded his death and all the stuff I I wanted to take his life and mental health addicts I was also raised pheasant hunting and everything might my tenth birthday was given a twenty gauge shotgun and by the time I was a little noticed twelve years old I wanted to take his laws had off so we'll and one day in a fit of fury I know I did the anyway so I just went off on him how I think that's it take me hunting Ike I got all planned out for the big hunting accident the day in the hunting seat he sought my eyes it started like him the media so that doesn't certify my brain gets a little twisted and we were so violently is so mean to each other and so that please told her to make sure this plan on house and we had a neighbor that knew all about guns to the Cayman into chambers nature of the behest PhD literally slept with a pillow and a handgun under his pillow so you don't have to be there that was testing would tend to mock her house but everything on no ammo in the whole house that all the guns are still there so the Calvary comes our saviors and were moved out within hours and you want about free we were no lot couldn't even imagine a life maybe just like you can't and I can't imagine on earth made new without sin nozzle is hard to wrap your brain around that we say it really old that even the light I couldn't even understand not being in fear of being beaten and and fear for my life I didn't know what that would mean I know even what to do with that information unfortunately my brothers went off the deep end I got involved in drugs and alcohol the uninvolved and relationships very very young inappropriate with ladies and by the time my brother was thirteen years old he was already an addict and I didn't even know it see they found escape from the incidence of their lives they found the state in drugs and alcohol sex and I found strangely enough I didn't gravitate to that stuff I didn't like the way it made me feel I tried it I tried everything it seemed like and I just didn't like how it made me feel out-of-control inside on the gut like to be in control and I didn't like it when my part of my brain that helps control you was being inhibited which we were both more morning of the prefrontal cortex and so what happened was my brothers ran off in this direction and I found the state to but it was in athletics and been in theater I used to be this is not giving idea how little I used to be I was a freshman in high school I was four foot ten eighty eight pounds house in the middle to get out of the wrestler because they have a ninety pound ninety eight pound category note has worked in but has so much pent up rage and soap so much pent-up anger nobody wanted to wrestle me even to do the week ten house a lot the tenth of your body weight when you're that little and so on I would just like tie up my opponents and is not in there like okay you are young and so eventually I left that it was a good thing because it wasn't healthy relief forming but I found the statement in the theater and I went and auditioned as it wins it has the manner I could get his classes classes full and we talk a little bit little bantering back and forth easier to understand I become a professional actor of young age because act like everything was fine when it wasn't at all moments was called emotional content you see so I can exalt Christ the black pigment is up I don't like to do whatever because I had experienced honest all the time so and yet I can switch it on switch off and so in a short little conversation with his feet are strictly was like I really like your guy does it say what you audition for my so you can come in my class when the auditions it is after school today what okay what I do because this communal sing a song I might sing a song to sing a song and you read some some script and you know we'll see if if you're if you're theater stuff theater would call me unfamiliar and actor not medicine okay great so I short little did I know that these kids been rehearsing these songs over the whole summer they go dance routines they got the multimillion dollar in the complex at our school it was just amazing and Savannah really high-end program in the arts there as all of these kids were like tap dancers as they were little and and I'm not like it I would slowly I do nothing I landed one of the lead roles and in a musical and what was funny was when the lady was sitting at the Pentagon OKs use Lane sees the court required records she's playing the song is that okay here's a song I'd listened to try to here obviously missing as was like okay singer like this will you know whatever it's on my door literally I like mono in your normal voice like Marquis on singing soprano with her immediately they get a band director up here and he's like this baritone bass guide is like icing like Islamic all right and signaling your normal voice unlike the normal places scope and now that I think regards unbelievable so here I am singing in the invisible you obviously have arrangement like to know that means that sounds like a good thing you know and so I read this will script and step inside I get one of the lead roles as one believe God is assuming in the dad and my mom click you can do what you don't like it is that he let in the classified addition to begin with Martin the show in issues like to contribute actively to the so so weird so anyway I wind up going through this and I wind up becoming in my store my sophomore Junior senior year I wonder becoming like the snuggles spectra using I've found my niche I found my drink and I can memorize these scripts and I could do the songs I could do the dances that there was a musical I can hit my marks elected cry and I could laugh and I can do all these things because I have so much emotional content the poll on always actors and actresses that you see around the world of how they do that is because a lot of them have really tragic lives on all of many do and so they're able to pull on the content and we actually related which is not helping me so what happens is I found a way of escape to escape who I was in the messed up empty guy that I was and I was escaping but nothing was getting fixed and I would escape to watching movies and listening to my music men talk about music I would put on my headphones when my stead that was their night at my headphones on and he was a record player back then and turn us in the record player and is no one I would just sit there significant you see around you smut as far as I know that and I'm listed in the motley crew and Def Leppard and this and an AC/DC and anxious in all this angry music because I was just angry and I would escape through it and I don't like when working now I would just get frustrated with the music and in picture being my father and always cancel now had a little statement did it ever fix anything the problem with all this if it doesn't tell us it actually and just even a little of what reaches it reaches the spirit and soul rhino 's missile was happening to me as a result I was able to do well in fact at the highest alert and and and in this amazing theater arts program I was able to shine and I wound up winning awards we went to state competition that operatives operative got your competitions also on winning awards for the company am also learning words as a company and winning solo action monologues and I enter everything I could and I was winning winning money so I started getting something in my life I never received me for those about this well you're amazing and I sit there and I don't ha ha now you know what I would even find what you believe it and then I started to believe it and then my head did not like this is referring I was so vigilant in his room it was like I do I hear I know your privilege I know that this video is taken away for and I just was so arrogant I swung from being so oppressed and so not wanting to be seen because that's what you do when you have an abusive parent are envious of Ellen and your life is better just to become a wallflower signal to anyone asked me hope he gets it not me and so the reality is I went from that to I have arrive and I wanted it I swung to the other extreme and everybody knew I was good and I could now I could sing I could tap dance and I could do jazz interpretive dance I could act also hosting an odd thing like this become an actor for Rupert in fact anybody ever heard of I went on professionally and cynically I went on and was singing dancing and acting even in college and also in the professional theater in fact there is anybody heard of this guy named Jerry Jeremy Renner is a good friend of mine we sat together and he was lousy and I was not thinking wow I could have been someone in a in the world side fact I am a friend with Jeremy Renner is a big Hollywood actor guy now and I faced up and we talked for little while listed under a consummate escape you said Jeremy Renner one of my all backing buddies did you know Jeremy Renner will notice a difference unlike unplugged little did I know the guys like an always huge huge movies so I face them head discretion and address of the prospective is at grams we started surveying for less energy like to insist on all little lentils like the big ones you know and I said I hear that's a tough town the Sabeans of Dyson a man wants your soul you know and I asked up I still than even know really what level he achieved in and he's isolated unlike on the preacher to say like I said Brad is I okay when the TV preachers write a letter now I just go around nowhere is that I can't never said that schools have never heard from again please let being in a public credit shall lay hands on person but the thing is I was bound and I was determined I was going to go probably in that direction and in my senior year of high school something happen and I was still doing theater I wait until my early twenties and I got really excited about TV production and I went to school I started learning some broadcasting and doing some radio broadcasting and I was learning and I was working the TV station there on the college campus for a non- housing and I think I really like this I did all I was working full-time I was drinking to the TV production I was working full-time in TV and I was doing shows on the weekends and so I was it had a very busy life but I'll say what I was still empty but one more award the one more good write up that the big guys shoot that you decide not being was satisfying I started taking every self-help course you could think up I was going through and listening to all these different taste knew there were dates back to all these tapes and enzyme to boost my he no I and my ego was fine but my self image actually good on the outside of it like this ha ha but in time I got it they find me out on the unreal cells and mass inside I was still a disturbed little boy frankly I did not allow Iran relationships out I was the worst feeling you wanted to date but on the outside he wanted to date me that make any sense it's like you know he might be fun and Iraq I think I I just rip your heart decided not a lot or out of below I did not receive a organic and so for me love is all that physical nothing to do with connection and so even that was empty for and so on the outside I'm doing good in fact I was now producing commercials and I was getting really excited I was the youngest producer and all the Central Valley of California prison commercialism and client the same way we want a young guy to come and it is these are some good ideas your diaphragm to do the same thing I'd love to get his weight and so learn how to edit out a suit had a light how to write and these are going very well and then I got a call actually my day I started a couple business wasn't acting friends of mine and the business were going very well in fact at twenty wickedness with secular persuasion were twenty four posing as twenty twenty two in my call early college years twenty one -ish twenty late twenty twenty one is I actually started writing business plan to put together a whole high in television Brooks and asked studio and I was working to my friends one was a radio personality another was a musician and I was the video guy so the three of us were pulled together we start writing jingles I know jingle is right that's that the music you hear need to ever get it on your head on that's how we write them on purpose and so with our writing jingles and eventually we were to develop this amazing production company we started a magazine we had an ad agency invasive into the video things and this article great start making money I like doing awesome I got on the condo I got nice card I got friends and I got lots of money in my pocket cash money in my pocket and I'm on twenty two years old by the time on twenty four my business partner who was lysing of the radio personality had embezzled our company into the ground at twenty four years old who was financially ruined I lost everything everything and I called my mom up and said I've lost everything even my friend repossessed the car they get given me alone for and he came and took the car even all my friends were not my friends and see what is on the party I had the money and I paid for the business everything we don't have a good time and everybody showed up at all sudden there was nobody for me nobody would even give you house to live in or a room delivered and so my mom had remarried to a good guy praise the Lord that he had a Bible and he even read it I didn't know people still did that I was amazing to me so we wind up having a new good guy but I was or is so far along in my life lesson no one was another male figure it's only anything to do I I disclaim all colonies on the site to even drive you and so he and I just sparks in the beginning and he was not to rule my life nobody was I was in charge of my life now and so I called my mom and sister sweetheart I thought you said that if you want to you on moving here you're welcome to do that and I've even thought about back as I've been out on my own since I was nineteen nineteen and so back to mom 's well I move back tomorrow and I even borrowed a motorcycle from a friend of mine Jesus Barnett bicycle from another friends like the right to go to interviews at jobs to try to find a job and I was doing freelance videography on the side as a result I'm doing taking now is much speedier production work that can dissipate good it was still as a total full-time I don't want to go back into working to become you work for for before and as a result I'm hired by producer calls and he is a Christian because you want a four-day shoot necessary other celebrated as to what is it because is that they can't meeting you know I think what exactly is a house meeting about camping like all will I know when we grew up camping so unlike you I know the bit about battleground so I sought to the festival grounds looking for this guy named Danny Viera who's putting on a campaign now you're laughing as you know it can't mediate the eye realize why can't anyone so I'm looking in on this people there there's there's RVs there's tensed there's campers there is there is hikers on the Ms. women with skirts on the Army which has all kinds of thoughts you saw synergistic and while these are much like her zero Harry legs and all that matter I could let me I've seen that stuff so I'm good with that so I like this school never got a bunch of camping for the week and this is great so then I find a guy and he tells me all I said hey I'm on Chris and I'm out to be the director for the weekend and after the weekend and as my team where he wants to set up we wanted and so I said you know during our conversation I said so do you need me to have a handheld remote camera some like that for maybe a note to be made electric demonstrations are where we didn't do anything know I think undergoing demo high altitude cooks to thirty I had no idea so he's like we I was a campaign right like I knew because I have that you go nobody on never wrong right sound like you know that is exactly decided not to like things are done at display in an dam on without this you don't closely like I have an related to the writing is not known neither is a religious meeting the people camp that have to drive no really as I called Bruce unlike the original of this business is all about his identity good for you unlike serious business news story I than to go back I'm going to document my life and I'm in the interview of Mister Garner and I hung up other people think I like making this bigger than an exaggerated big if so through it I want to document so the naysayers that will really did happen so you wind up sitting there in the production truck anyone in one take one wonder live to tighten up better that I dislike this I can believe I sunk some new life it is time for me now right after them before I'm sooner and like I never heard that before I started interesting then this guy gets up there Danny looks funeral is to be a bodybuilder whose got like this nice tan dries nice cards got some money in the bank which doesn't work with Christianity but I received my life you were like all ticketed at the unlike the ones that do not yet understand what my perspective is guys I like wanting to be super mega millionaire guy and I like dynastic independent young like you so I'm in it it is I'm hearing all this stuff you know anything and Danny's out there he's talking about you know and then I can stuff and he's talking about holes over and over and over again and I'd like honestly I is God is my witness I'm thinking Daniel was a vampire what's pulse by uneconomic to a logical thinking person once holds an easy time Danieli also known as and here's video thirties like forty something years old these rip off all these videocassettes also a bacon you know these guys are vampires and he looks young enough uncensored this guy this is site goes from raising and it finally explains policy about festivals and the vessels open I love my dog do you know so that is not based on what I than on the country and our God eleven eight oh seven is a and and I've read in your town on my way and I think my lunch and he picked a bunch of weeds on the side of the road as they were wild edible plants in him and so is not the Ziploc baggie full of all the stuff he says there is any how much effort you put in question is a good TV you don't so at any setting a high night when I realized that I might destroy the lunatic but I like it and thinking these people are really so Danny and I became friends I wasn't he likes it or not you feel strong enough in my job is like you know something is not risen on sick sick sick and tired of fields that some front unlike being pulled in you know and in Devils just you know know know is China polonium so great controversies happening in a video production truck you know over my soul and and I remember thinking there's something here for something here but I don't need this standing I became friends I call him into this business in and out with this business together and yes eight IPOs it is Sabbath meetings and I said sure on again the price in his own know I'd I I don't do business on sound like a woman I don't be the one is a no-no to use commission for me on the mean like for free that will gas monopoly whenever I see that if I thought my enough sunlight assures I showed up and then I I like that MS is that really spoke to me man in sight I asked my girlfriend Philippine earnings call me as a goal you need to come up here and listen this guy and and yes pretty amazing I sit at my feet I think you're supposed to like clear air back and you have the WordPress and and you can have any jewelry outside observed that about you guys and so she comes feeling like really awkward her hair 's bulb out of the Y secure idea and so I am an observant person is that they have to be if you're the visual medium like I was so anyway see coming this is like no visit seek delicacies our Susan I hated never go back people are all fake I don't want any of this so she can background no Christianity as well and here's to heathens together and I'm starting to do some stuff forgotten a relentless and so I wind up building at the prevention of Danny made by Theophilus house and we vegans yes housing mock chicken salad is at the crusade I like that I can do that bad in them that I think they taken but no sitting politics is not enclosed taken but now that tofu sandwich was not and as a result were sitting there were gathered around is like okay is unfair unlike oh no I'm not ready for that as we all gather around it and have no family worship him thirty eight we did have her for that now the family prayer might want to look at what's many of the premise of like the priest is a man you know is only exposure I had was a Pentecostal church and Catholic Church in both freaked me out so I wasn't no density gathered round in these little children pray and my heart just now added skins of talk to the rest and I just went these little kids taking Jesus awesome little children there'll in their twenties and stuff and now so is social to witness many don't even know desert is doing with natural form is thinking Jesus their eleven day sitting on daddy 's lap that's what really broke my heart to see children sitting on their best lap and him caressing and I knew it was in the wrong caress and then I was absolutely absolutely and I decided to go to film school left and we moved to Santa Barbara is under Brooks Institute 's of fine arts college has been a major film of them become the next Gilbert and so got there I got Kobe pregnant and afford half months philosophy and that really as far as my career was going great house but my husband for myself to school by this time I'm working in the industry down in Ventura and North Hollywood area under stuff for Nickelodeon and PBS ESPN and independent projects and film projects and video project TV projects and and Mike my resume is growing and growing growing and now I can I do every aspect of production and so I I becomes valuable I start making good money and I now with his baby wants to move away back to where her parents had moved from California and Arizona we moved Arizona and I can't find a job production and one thing leads to another and the Lord started to work on Kobe 's heart and my heart that we should not be intimate with one another and here we are worldly heathen people so I actually step away from the intimate relationship with her when I get to my testimony because I I I have a lot less sorry so I I stepped away from the intimate relationship with her and I started sleeping on the couch we had a condo together an apartment together and we were the problems we really like each other we were very attractive another absolutely can't be in love with each other and this is the first relation I had that literally for six months I didn't even hold her hand we just became friends I had so many messed up relationships I just didn't I just needed a friend and soak overnight started our our idea realized but we can start a courtship and we were friends and worked and we been married for sixteen years now and I'm telling you it's like we just got married it's vastly awesome and I as God is my witness as well in in the eighteen years we've been together with axiom never had a fight and now most women do not believe a word what I just said so I will give you I used to get on our phone numbers to call her and verify proceeds to get lots of phone calls currently the women are very jaded now so my my relationship with her was built on friendship and I started to the to be filled a little it's not what I needed ultimately but there was an aspect of it and it was good and it was healthy and was wonderful I still got the cart for the worst whenever pregnant for we got married and we lost child now we move there is and I can't find a job production everything is not going my way I now I'm not intimate with her and now I can't stay in the house because we are tracking each other just to difficult when you like each other and you know it in your mind is nothing wrong with now that's telling you there is something I know Nola Scott because that that information don't come in from yourself hello the amount of than denying his flesh with the woman that he's in love with an arty engaged to in the world downright Eliz God only a God thing I'm about to move in with this guy by this time I'm a vegan vegetarian because Denny's influence I had problems to put nonoccurrence of what was going to kill me and now I doom every year chose to include in zeal I drink the Kool-Aid so anyway so I am a vegan no smoke I don't drink I don't cuss I have a Bible reading it was the Christian Christian radio and my life starting changed now that start to talk to me tells me not to be with her is more I don't move and friends my best guess is awesome that party smoking womanizer and I just hate my life overwhelming desire leave Arizona just for a couple weeks go to California have a nice document resume I don't stop with the stopover in a place called Loma Linda and whenever the place was actually got to put activists all around you in my life I noticed when I say and what I noticed as Danny was a different kind of an advanced than the other ones I have seen I saw Danny Danny was filled up Adventist I met a bunch of atoms and they were just like me but they went to church on the right data when on Saturday and so I wind up having one of my roommates was madness fifth-generation evidence I do know what happiness was except when he told me we just go to church on Saturday my goal I don't go to church is a waste of time so getting on Saturday that's fine don't tell me I need to go so we're friends and releases of fine art photographer beautiful work I'll discussed up to thousand yards is a great friendship and we were in this is called Amway waiver that my whole outline of the diamond were all Adventists and so here's always people in the whole focus is make money and also somewhat by opposing the smell about so I had this whole different skewed picture not activists yet I had another picture of different Adventists that were over your daddy is I didn't quite figure out what was going on except for if I were to ever be in Adventist do it I'd have to be more like Danny does that make sense because I knew these guys were like I like not all the way there so I didn't want that is unlike and not an all or nothing guy I'm always in so I go back to California I stop off to meet my friends they decide to live off the campus Loma Linda as a fourth or fifth generation evidence because they want to live in sin and here I am the heathen and cussing this is not okay for you to be intimate song was adding on I want to hang out with anyone I when saw my friend Danny I within three days we come to an agreement for me to come and work for the ministry as a funny story it's a miracle story I was sitting there and gaze down realist on your life unlike well I know I can't seem to get it I can't get a job in production I think I color and are not being intimate together anymore and you know were still together will not together like that I was living with this guy that was discussed you know opposite and stuff and day starts last unlike is not the reaction I'm looking for here you know looking for a real real something like a motivational speech right and so he says laughing and acid did what he laughing for he says Christian I can see the guys doing your life and I told you when I met you at that can mean because I told you remember I said I believe God had a calling on your life SGI nine said that I said is this partier stealers and is now I think God is setting up something here for you maybe for you makes decisions in your life and Danny said I could release garlic in the ministry it was like before I could say it even think about my answer is I I said I'll take the job and then as I heard the words come out of my mouth tingle in my ears and everything roll through my head of God and take a piece of gum yielded a burn in hell forever and my stepfather and all the whippings and the beatings in the neglect and that of all the nasty stuff that happened I just realized I just said not guessing him like you said yes to God and there's no way I'm doing that and so I started backpedaling on in my mind unlike no no no no no no you take this job and why can this conversation in my head here to take this job and I wind up saying he and him him him him him I am going no way I'm not doing this you weren't there early what while I serve you what I think is I knew Danny was a full-time servant of God and unlike you not by common work with this guide is probably allowing the wind up what we know was not fool I figured I was good to go down that path and so I like this is not to happen I not going here and as a result I disperse and for the first time I don't it was an audible voice that God spoke to me this time I discerned you see later I discerned it was God telling me not to be with Toby I didn't know what time I don't clearly now but I actually discern bits and the Lord began to play a videotape fitting for the video got a videotape in my mind and he started to sell Kazaa was like to work there for me and he shown and it all happen that fast I can't explain it guys but it's what God gave me a gift that day and he showed me any show me a picture of a war and in this war there's rules of engagement and I understand it's because all my stuff I wanted to watch as war movies so I wanted to want something 's third watch more movies like I was a familiar with the theater of war and all this kind of stuff and the opposition and friend me and fire from a fire hose of these terms right and so what God told me in a small amount of time and I didn't even ever ever had heard any of this effort is I had only been in a couple sermons of Danny's and that one weekend but God started putting things together for me and what I I figure now in that little mental exercise was that my parents had made the decision that they had made and that was occupied territory by the devil and I was a casualty of war I was in that because of their decisions this is how it works this is my little cake to be in a lousy situation so here I am in a lousy situation because my parents are serving the belt will not go so what that means is if the devil is there anything finding there any is fostered their God and his angels can only be here this is how it works however when he showed me was while I couldn't deliver you from it because of the rules of engagement and the great agencies great colors of the visa that Boston has been my mind I could go through with you and I I saw a picture of Jesus who was who was standing there with me on that bedpost and he was taken the stripes with me and you know what's amazing is that I knew he was right that's a miracle I knew and these are big skiers friends this is Scott touching hearts hitman he says I knew I knew at that moment he had been an psyche play the Soviets did my mind and in the reason reason my arm could break this because there's an angel 's hand under the berets on the stupid thing I want is no way my brothers that are wrestled etc. it was an angel show me I've been with your whole life you don't always think in trying to end and no I presented because I have a calling on your life in your my son and I found my father first time in my life and you don't understand how silly that was I went from twelve in this area I went to build me a minute to tell me we can take that away but you can let go to the devil can't take it from God will never take but we can forfeited we can lose our grasp and you know when talking about because it hasn't been strong and instilled with the spirit is advertisement when you're weak and you're not a strong is not God letting us down it's us letting loose the makes sense so all I did its fists in France all I did was stop running away from God and turned me around if you will and I started running to God in my whole life changed and all that I'm telling you I asked Danny later was I talking out loud as it was a very real conversation with God it only happened one other time since it's so real so clear and Danny said he'll take a job and right thing in my voice everything I just went on and then I started to learn about Jesus the plan of salvation I was I found a book called a prophet of destiny anybody have written a book I think our ministries and reprint it is out of print it's out of copyright two marvelous book I was actually a believer in the gift of the Spirit Crossing before I even understood the validity of the word of God you see words that she would say things and fifty sixteen years later science would say all look and see and send it this third grade educated woman that nothing like prophecy I'm not


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