Favorite Sermon Add to Playlist
Photo of Alan Parker

Dating Isn't For Cowards- Part 1

Alan Parker

Presenter

Alan Parker

Professor of missions and evangelism and director of Pierson Institute of Evangelism at Southern Adventist University

Sponsor

Conference

Recorded

  • October 11, 2014
    1:30 PM
Logo of Creative Commons BY-NC-ND 3.0 (US)

Copyright ©2014 AudioVerse.

Free sharing permitted under the Creative Commons BY-NC-ND 3.0 (US) license.

The ideas in this recording are those of its contributors and may not necessarily reflect the views of AudioVerse.

SPONSORED

Audio Downloads

This transcript may be automatically generated

and were ready to officially began if you'll join me for what to pray but again we thank you for being with us if you go into the seminar we ask for your Holy Spirit to be present we pray Lord that you will give us guidance as to how to effectively use your words and use the guidance of being given in the spirit of prophecy and wanted to be able to shape our understanding of how we should engage in bringing to life together we pray now that you will also be with the other presentations and help us to surrender our lives to you we ask in Jesus name amen so the title as I mentioned is dating isn't for cowards so I just pretend that you and your your potential all your current partner are sitting on a plane together and you're about to go off on the wonderful trip on marriage and so you're all excited to tingling against sitting next to each other and getting warmed up and you're just so excited about what to take place here and on the knee the air hostess comes along and she says I just need to alert you to something before you get too far into this journey thank you Michael what is it what is it and that she says well you know we have pretty bad accident statistics you in fact just getting up to where we get above the clouds it is like a ninety five percent chance that the plane will crash but once you get above the clouds it's a whole lot better is always between thirty to fifty percent of the planes crashed at that point now if you are interested in going on this plane flight and notices you likely are you crazy lifted out of here him every day people decide to make this decision on it pretty sad to make this decision because the shocking citizens thinks it is this going one thing in English the average in England the average woman would just fifteen men before sitting down and getting married so that means that means looking frogs to find a prince or nearly so is this a good messenger scenario I mean this is the average selling Daniel was not a Christian perspective but you know that's what most people out there on interface forty one percent of first marriages end in divorce sixty percent of second marriages and seventy three percent of the marriages I mean your chance on not making it is pretty high so why would you even consider getting married you can respond why would you even consider getting married or hold off a practical month to get better I worried you consider getting married Genesis chapter to its biblical rights marriage is googled you in spite of the statistics marriage is so biblical at you always figure out I want be one of the statistics and hopefully by the time we done with the seminar you'll be far better along with not being one of those statistics I do believe however that there is a problem with today's dating strategy you know it's kind of late skin and may have a quick chat meet and greets and then that if we're lucky we get to see each other again and things go fast pretty rapidly from there so what goes on in a traditional dating scenario well the first thing that happens is the whole months kitchen you tend to fall in love and lust right him fall in love you you you get the chemistry you come along and suddenly you experience the tingle as believers just need someone to stop this incredible sensation and feeling anyone here ever experienced the tingles staff with a wonderful feeling I just don't trust yourself to rents because you see as the honest truth you can get the singles for people who are absolutely wrong for you I mean I remember getting the tangles for this girl good comfort waiting I was the MC of awaiting and is going to come she was one of my friends friends radiated beautiful smile and that we were walking along the beach and somehow the shoulder brushed against my payment of the premises smiles back at me and she doesn't seem to mind himself on the next and she was pretty aggressive she reaches out and grabs my hand and I like and it happened again I like it must be God 's will that do not always do we spend the day we we barely talked to each other we just go along the business all whole months one green and down the beach and when we finally that evening when we kind of city name announces talking about as convincing as walking hand-in-hand and iambic campus chaplain what you enjoy your break so and it would be like talking out what's going on yeah the weightings about to happen and I am just like in this in this clown I can't even think straight and finally when we when we get a little further on I got by the way what denomination are you specific she doesn't want Pentecostalism the great and I suggest Pentecostals are great I him in a county where my talk and she would like totally emotional and and I have a much more logical strengthening and as we talk more unwise like we have nothing in common she's likable what was that that we can experience back I said I didn't know but little ability to the ultimate single not always make sense this is what they're about to say the this couple they work with a lot of premarital couples it's like working with people online drugs natural chemicals such as dopamine endorphin serotonin oxytocin with gold the love hormone can cause the same reaction as any less of what drag dating and engaged couples often find themselves in a chemically induced condition and felt at the uncanny ability to focus on their part Ms. positive strengths and traits while rarely noticing the reality of their partner 's weaknesses it's like the couple we had come over to our house once and had been dating all was long gone about two weeks and so retrofitting down of Elijah were talking about how you know how it's going he says you know what's remarkable is that anytime I want to know what she's thinking I just think what would I think and that's what she's thinking that I would avoid misguided in for a surprise you know but in the moment you don't recognize it when you get excited about when you have the tingles you get excited about what we both like the color blue and red just like each other and you ignore all the things that would make you different and so this slide takes only your mind and you and getting more and more engrossed each other more and more infatuated and that's why it's so critical that we do some steps before we jump into dating because what happens in this stage is your front will be shut down and so you need some help with some support because you begin to become exclusive and next thing you know you can end up going much further than you have a plan to go the strange thing about the tingles is it doesn't seem to always last you know my brother he was really interested in the scoping out he told me I am so in love with this guy since I was young I was fourteen I wanted to know what is true love science the market how do you know it's true love and he said to me yes I know it's true love peace and I'm willing to lay down my life for the scope of it was a train coming she is on the train tracks I push her up and went and laid down on the tracks and die for I said wow that's really impressive forty weeks later it was over I went back and I said what was that whole thing when you lie down on the track ceases to set up with its move on I don't want to talk about it anymore and size of what is going wrong here what you seem to those what we come in school on this first stage it doesn't last of an intensity and it's a good thing if it lasted this intensity you wouldn't getting homework done you wouldn't care about your future career could you just so wrapped up an easy motion so the tangles are just for a short period of time they say up to about two years you experience the tingles that's why a lot of people get married within that time and then they discover afterwards that they just not that into each of the eight sometimes doesn't take two years remember Jim and Chris seventy two days seventy two days that's all that it took for this matter should come to an end and visionary canal some some other guy who knows how long that's going to last and so seventy two days is all that it took for the tingles display don't trust yourself to the tangles see in the dating approach to the world which is a part of the audit tracking and circumstances but nominate character and ready on the in-depth personality we we just say what was a lighthearted I feel towards and so we based on feelings but that is not good enough because you can be attracted to people as I said earlier who are totally wrong for you and they are two possible outcomes when you do it this way a breakup which is made very painful by the sudden bonding is often intimacy comes along with this or a life commitment built on a faulty foundation any of you know couples who started out this way right now we all know couples who probably and have some experience like this and if you've ever gone through a breakup a breakup can be incredibly painful and my goal here is to help convince you from making those kinds of mistakes we you just get caught up in this faulty way of thinking so what is God 's plan I really have to begin within a minute on this couple to be married eighty two years eighty two years she's ninety eight sees a hundred and two now that we tell you that you will not make eighty two days if you can send you one make eighty two days if you don't have something more than what the world office what enables you to make eighty two days and eighty two months and eighty two years is something that is profound that God gives us and it's what holds us together when the times get tough and tell you it's not based on attractiveness ninety the nice people that I can guarantee they look like that eighty two years ago no something changes over time and if you based on attractiveness the Bible says that beauty is fleeting but a woman who fears the law on the price so let's take a look back to the Garden of Eden and then we found Adam along and everything up until now it's good to know everything God makes it was good it was good it was very good but it can get to chapter to any since it is not clear what is Nokia Clement to be a lot and God put within us at the Zion four relationship Internet it's a great thing you know this desire for relationship but I want you to notice some of the elements of this young number one you will experience loneliness when you don't have a companion that's normal don't beat yourself up this is normal God created you that way but notice the other elements of this I will make him a helper so that's the first part who has got to do this God got to do this he's the one who's going to make a healthy noise problem that we haven't today stating is that we try to find out on helpless but if we said I'm never let God make my helpful for me they would putting our trust in God we don't wait on God for him to give us the right helpmeet a notice that this helpmeet will be suitable for him I mean you can imagine he tells them about this many puts them to sleep as little operation pulls a rib outs and easy forms this beautiful exquisite creature now I don't know why God didn't make many beautiful but maybe you know you makes his woman beautiful and then he wakes at a map and it says in the Bible that that Adam said wall okay maybe not quite those words will be fitted share this to everyone I be looking for and that so it was somebody that God said would be suitable for you what are some of the translations for him the twentieth this was somebody specially designed for him and I was directing the beginning that God has a plan for your life now I don't think you have to say is only one person out there but I can't say that God is designing a person for you right now and if they culminates in his planning your accommodations when God can bring the two plans together sometimes is going to change his mind because the person he planned on the network with it so yeah he is making someone suitable for you he's bringing two people together they can be very imperfect after the Senate will see that in a moment so they come together having this wonderful time and then along comes a piece of chocolate or maybe it was an apple on a tree and he grabs that and she chants at them and then together they both fall into sin now when I fall into sin enough to have a little talk together and that there explains some things that are meant to happen as a result of this fall and I want you to see the effects of the Scotus notice was the your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you and I I like this book holding hands holding talks recovering the biblical view of Christian dating on a say in a rich and Sharon Phillips he turned away from God and put to add them in God 's place so what was meant to be a blessing is now an obsession and a neat wood craving and your desire will be for your husband this would preside religion means you're going to run after the guy you can have such a deep need on his garage after him I can't live without them we had a goal became to our house one night and asked for prayer within what is a good like prayerful everybody else at the date but I don't can you pray that God will give me a day that Saturday night and I need a date soon we can pray that we can pray that you will learn something through this weekend printed out to me that it was such a desperate need inside of them instead of waiting on God they continue to provide for the need of a companion woman I attempted to manipulate a man into a dating relationship you know some people say I chased my wife until she caught me and once the updating to capture him for marriage instead of finding this satisfaction for us in God they seek happiness in a in a man so that becomes what drives them well in the same way you have the man and notice the cook was that he lives under by the sweat of your face you will be bringing to you we dissent to the ground because from the QA taken for your dust and to dust you shall return so what happens with men they now become colors to work and so what's the temptation of man they become workaholics they find dissatisfaction and they work and they find it satisfaction and conquest under the conquer the ground and approve myself master over it and that was live in view of immortality that's like you don't often have woman going through midlife crises but the guys US and the outcomes the sports car my case is a motorcycle and a new thesis you have you know you have good sense of my mortalities fading I need to improve my strength my think of my youth and this is what tends to drive mandate driven by performance they driven by conquest they driven by work and want intensely more driven by relationships and the relationships that they just have that relational need deep inside of them and they think when they get married the man can find his his wife big revolution back to the cave in and continue with the rest of his work and the woman can finally find a man who should bring in till like to satisfy that relational need but this is a result of a twisted desire that sin is important because these things can become selfish to each of us has a loved you know and it's something that will be designed to have each one of us desires love and Cytomel love cups is a certain amount of love that our parents important that all your parents perfect not your parents are not perfect and so you love cups on the above flow but when you look up some really running on empty you are right for something we call codependency and what happens in codependency is that you get a half-empty love cup and a half empty love and they suddenly discover each other in a room and they all magnetically drawn towards each other and then as they meet each other with the euphoria and the tingles they feel that they left up to seventy full and I go wow this person completely I've never felt this way before this is incredible and so the to get sucked into each other 's lives and become codependent but after a while guess what the other person stops satisfying my needs I can't believe it you know it when I was first chair he was so attentive he looked after me and then he's going yet you know it first she would she just came along with me she's beautiful now she's nagging me all the time what's going on and so they both try to find the need to bidding each other when the other person can't meet their need to start to fight and he watched us as sec together and in a big and frightening union union in there fighting with each other and it makes my chat live with you I get a breakout but then they can't live with out the other person because that's the advice of a felt a little photo absolutely dragging themselves back again I'm so sorry to get back together will make it more this time I really do love you and and for a while they fill each other 's needs and even as selfishness kicks back in they started finding any next day and any abuse in relationships like that and so you what's going on is that we've allowed Satan to twist out desires into a selfish point of view when all along the following God 's model instead we are living under the Christensen which actually alienates us see this to approaches via manipulation which is you are the means to get what I want so you are the means to get what I want I'll manipulate you by giving to you withholding from you in order to meet my desires and goals flag Idol contract in order and idleness does my daughter my daughter was coming to worship me a bad idea so you come not to come solicit me and she's going to bring a gift because that's what you do to an idol but when she brings a gift let's just say the gift is she's got a cleaner rim so she brings a gift but the contract with an idle state that she brings me forget what am I supposed to do give her the ice cream that she wants right so she brings a gift I will clean my room all about right one delivers a gift and in and return on ID stolen how ice cream so she is manipulating me to get what she wants right in the scenario you know that was happening right so the problem with Idol contracts is that when we when we come to all spouses and idle and we say if I give them this they get to give me back that's maybe I'll give them some physical affection and they'll give me some emotion what maybe I'll give then maybe I'll put a guilt trip on them and I'll pay them off that way and then they'll do what I want and so that's American I have you guys been since a tendency we got a father and daughter yeah and so the daughter wants to get to happiness and unhappiness with our items and she wants to get up to happiness but who stands in a way taskbar so what you got to do is manipulate data to get him to somehow bring happiness to the energy since alive manipulating her dad uncles this is not real in this interest is the life manipulated that because of if only I had more money gets him as the money debt so dad to get the money if all he I had a car dad got the car if only he would let me say up to three o'clock in the morning then I'd be happy and so dad has the tough job he asked the flight back the manipulation or decided he's ever played again thank you wonderful job so in a relationship when a relationship is based on my happiness then I tend to manipulate the other person to get what I want and I use them for my own pleasure instead what I see in the Bible is ministry how can I glorify God that's what drives everything and how can I sue the love others in fact it sounds like two commandments which ones on it love the Lord your God with all your heart mind and soul and love your neighbor as yourself so this one says I'm a minister to you by letting you faithfully with the love that God has given me where this is a contract this is a covenant it says I will be faithful even if you're not faithful I want you to think through most dating relationships on a contracts or covenants can't I'll give you that I always expect one negative to waiting a negative site I promise to love you as long as it makes me feel good to get the contract and I hear them when they come in for counseling to me in a planning on getting a divorce and they say this person doesn't make me happy anymore but when you have a covenants based on what God has done you look at the faithfulness of God you look at the love of God and the all the way that you can be faithful you recognize is if you draw from God 's love as only he can fill up your laptop and so on this is a covenant and we'll see how that works you later on so these are God covenants and we seen any seasons five minutes twenty five artisans discussing marriage but I think applies the dating relationships husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her even of that before I probably and awaiting you attended recently and not as in the from the book holding hands holding hots this is their interpretation here the Christian man is to put the spiritual and emotional well-being of the woman he is dating a head of his own needs or desires that is how did you like that my he's going to put you ahead of his own needs and desires but shift the problem may love to protect one I mean it's okay I take on the battles undoubtedly the lighting shining on but the reality is is that the enemy she needs to be protected from his most double you see you on the one who is most likely to damage her emotionally to damage her with your comments with your physical visit demands you will one who is the greatest enemy of this one is emotional well-being and if we want to follow a biblical baby mana when we minister to the other persons that manipulate them then we need to be honest with what's going on in our own hearts husbands and this is the speed of treatment seven likewise well within your wives with what the keyword understanding man how many of you understand woman I got it I got a gift once at awaiting and a it would site and with the gift that they wanted me to give out I would CMC again for awaiting that wanted me to give it out in the next gift it had a book and it's had on the covered every this famous research and everything that you discovered about a woman and I open it up and it was blank once you cannot understand what relevant arguments and a biblical commands you are commanded to understand this guys is to become your wife who is your wife the other weaker vessel this is not saying every experiences later on they not really is together but this is a person who can be easily wounded and you need to be careful about your responsibility after understanding given on the full who they are and it's as if you don't do this you quiz will be in the subject of look after your wife when she dimensions not to see that unsecured is now you see what understanding he left his wife at home abroad is wonderful daughter so she could race this is a good man and so what happens if he has to show understanding if he doesn't use the reporters will be hindered because they'll be problems going on his home and you know what they say it monitoring happy ain't nobody happy right so he tests show understanding it's a it's a requirement since it has worked with saying a godly man will seek to become knowledgeable about the woman he is spending time what I'm not just how she looks what kind of fun she likes to have he wants to find out what makes the sick it was a find out why does she feel this way he wants to drool out with the understanding that she could be sensitive to some of the things he might say and in and do she is to act and speak in a way that conveys the dignity and of value that he places on it now if you are in a dating relationship and you're not treating your gold framed this way it's time for you to rethink your priorities right if you're married and you don't understand your wife and you don't show the dignity and value that she has it's time for you to reconsider your prayer life now what about a woman I love this Isaiah fifty four was five for your maker is your husband and the Lord of hosts is his name I want it has to find his satisfaction in God first would you agree this way but me I need to see you select our a wife of noble character does the province the one who can find she is worth far more than rubies the husband has full confidence in her AMEX not be of value another which he so valuable you recognize that she's a fifteen cow life she brings him good not hauling all the days in the life a woman this is the biblical to you is man's helper she's the one to help them complete at a man is not good on his own it becomes prideful egotistical or decrease depending on the day and he needs a woman to help amounts she balances came out and it's because she's his help but she seeks to do good she doesn't criticize and she doesn't bring it down she doesn't tell them what an awful job she's doing I'll try to manipulate him instead she's his help and she brings in good and that's why you five thirty three things when the wife see that she does what respects her husband husband according to this is to cherish the wife and the wife is to respect her husband why do you think the Bible has been around why is it that it doesn't say that a woman has to cherish a husband that she doesn't naturally but imagine it is naturally not a charity so there's the commands then you need to cherish your life what you think it says that a woman has to respect her husband because she naturally will try to control him and is in full-blown that's why Solomon says a nagging woman is like a dripping tap is not a fit thing drip drip better to dwell on the corner of the roof and deliver the contentious woman right not just quoting the Bible 's info alone has to say or write I know I might have a natural desire to change in that I have to I have to recognize that identity is help with and to respect and it was a couple planning a wedding and they were going through the different steps you know what you got to do first you walk down the aisle and into the sanity alternated to sing a hymn and a woman was remember to whom I can remember this one got it filed holds him and that's often people suspect that when they come to marriage how can I alter this person in the end what would calling you to use a different kind of love is not just a tangled love what you need at the water cooler you know as you are on campus so when you meet each other in Asian nights and the sparks go instead it's a love that is based on Jesus loves the world takes us to the silver screen is from Joshua Harris in which flickering images of passion enrollment Wayne and as we watch the wolves is the civil but God takes us to the phone of a dream in which a naked and bloody man hangs and says this is one every relationship for a Christian is an opportunity to love another person like God has left us and only from within the perspective of a covenant relationship can we experience the joy of intimacy so what were we doing is for sections relating that the groundwork that the foundation for how a dating relationship should be in it in the next section I'm going to take a look at not only how her relationship should be but what should be all and what should be our response what are the steps in a courting relationship or dating relationship another take you through those steps in the next section one of the things that say to me and I've had both enthusiasm for an disdainful is this book by Joshua Harris I kissed dating goodbye how many of you read this book are you aware of this book take a lot of you and in this book he basically suggests that they are significant problems with dating I want to take a look at that before we end this was section IV goals of the seven habits of highly defective dating and selling you can see just come right out of what we've been talking about teases number one dating needs to intimacy but not necessarily to commitment hooking up getting together anything intimacy but it doesn't need lead to saying I'm yours forever will just be friends with benefits sick of these is dating tends to skip the friendship stage of a relationship so we just white white become friends for too long you know how many dates it takes all people start going steady between three to six thanks that's all and so that's not how things used to be people are moving very rapidly towards commitment that leases dating often mistakes a physical relationship allowed if it feels that it must be love this is not that's not true at all just as you feel it doesn't mean its true left and so we have instant intimacy that tends to kick in you know so we meet three times and then we get to you and him we started going steady but were not ready that committed if you ask are you interested in marrying this person know that I am interested in holding his hand and kissing him that's the problem it's a reversal of what I believe the order should be the order should be intimacy which leads to commitment which leads to knowledge I mean that's the order that is there's not daughter should be self-evident arrive so what happens is you so you know what he said and that's a so it is with the comes first people will hold hands before they know anything about each other case in point walking down the beach right that leads to commitment well I guess you know each other Hans is committed now and he only later on do they go wait hold on I don't even know you so this is the wrong way around what should be the right way around well I I Josh Harris kind of identifies this in his book I kissed dating goodbye he says the problem yes I think that this is the story of my generations this you don't fulfillment in relationships we wish for intimacy without what obligation or commitment we wish for sex with no strings attached we wish for the pleasure of lab with none of work none of the house none of the sacrifice and we got it but the result on what we hope for and will left feeling empty of them before the intimacy is superficial the six reasons to satisfy the hungry for something real something true where is true joy pieces look at its founding jobs brand of love love that sounded on faithfulness and rooted in commitment to the same Internet so the way it should look is that we should spend time getting to know people as we get to know them so we end up with a developing commitment to them and all you have to have we reached our ultimate commitment can we allow for intimacy now I know that they may be some overlap here because as you grow closer to the person you become more committed and the Senate but we have so twisted it the other way round that intimacy comes before commitment and which comes before knowledge that most people married for two years before they finally wake up and say I don't even know this this how did I end up in this marriage relationship and I've had sad situations people living on everyone go and I tried to warn her and she said I I know you don't approve but please come into this waiting as I went out to the waiting I try to one them again and I should have just pulled out actions that I'm not doing this waiting but I gave in and I did the waiting and within nine months it was over nine months it was of and now you know it it's so created a crater in both of their lives they would be placed they got into addictions when it was all because they didn't they didn't think about do we know each other before they made a commitment engaged in into the CNA gone the wrong way round so he says in addition to these flows three zero four more mistakes on effective dating number one dating often isolated from other vital relationships have you noticed that minimum five dating distracts young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future because you can't think it is that you didn't involve misstating some people even leave university they leave education doesn't just want to be with this person number six dating can cause discontentment with God 's gift of singleness what God wants you to be single and you're running after this person and another seven dating crates and artificial environment for evaluating someone's character let's just be honest sitting and having a meal with a candle of wine when we do the candlelight anyway so you can really see what the other person looks like the Hindu ox and you're having this feeling on your best behavior in your smiling at the menu saying all the right words and everything else this kind of dating is artificial if you really want to effectively evaluate some of character do what one of my friends good and make sure you have a flat tire on your way to some way and then watched to see what the guide us to the animals and well that's applauded a different character than whether or not he pays for the meal so I painted a picture again I'm not to take with you to take a break guys in the minute I painted a picture that suggests that God has a better way of dating what I haven't done yet is tell you how to go about it I noticed just that you think seriously about whether you are in this to minister to the other person one order to get what you want and to fill your designs and if you really in its to become like Jesus if you change how you go about that you want to the effect of dating even if you are dating that's far more powerful even a date even intimidating that takes courage takes integrity and attack for African invading that I encourage each of you have with primitive father God I thank you that we've had just a brief overview of the powerful relationship that you created man a woman to have for a woman to help a man to become more of who we should be to take on godly leadership to to become a virtuous man of integrity and for a man to protect the woman primarily from himself to honor and value to have self respect for for a man to see that he needs to get to know and understand not just her attractiveness but what makes the tech that is you bring two people together like this you are molding together something that no longer is to that ultimately becomes one thought to give us a vision for that kind of relationship before we ask in Jesus name this media was brought osteoporosis is a website dedicated to spreading God 's word through reading sermon audio and much more you would like to know more about our universe is like the more so than please visit www. on universe .org

Share

Embed Code

Short URL

http://audiover.se/1AwNwT6