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AMEN (Adventist Message to Every Nation)

Letters From My African Lover

Nicole Parker

All right, I've titled this, Letters from my African Lover.

Now, that might be a little confusing, because over here, African means something different than in the States.

So when I shared this in the States, it was more my African lover.

Well, of course, because you see, my husband was born and raised in Africa.

And when we were first married, we lived here at Helderberg.

So we've been on both sides of the ocean together.

But in the States, We tell everyone we're an African-American couple, you see, because he's African and I'm American.

Over here, of course, African is different than African over there.

You should have seen all the looks when we were dating.

Because people would say, oh, so you're dating a man from Africa.

Because everyone's, of course, very interested in what color is he?

And I thought it was a little funny not to tell them.

But I would eventually be good and say, no, you're not confusing me, I know.

He's African, but it doesn't matter what color his skin is.

My husband is a true African in his heart.

When we were here at Helderberg, he pastored United Nations Church.

The church was just such a blessing to us.

I think there were 2 of us and 1 other white person in the church.

We had such great fellowship and it was a great experience.

And I love seeing how my husband loves being an African and just mixing in with everyone.

And he did his doctorate over here in Africa on churches in transition from being white to multicultural and how we needed to have the spirit and how to be able to help people work together in unity regardless of racial divides and things like that.

So we're both very passionate about being integrated racially and it's wonderful to come to this conference and see everyone together worshiping in unity.

The Lord has brought South Africa so far, hasn't he?

And so, anyway, this talk, I'm talking about letters from my African lover because this whole seminar, the series is on relationships.

But the most important relationship, before you can have a relationship that's horizontal and healthy with any other person, is a relationship with God, right?

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.

And second, love your neighbor as yourself, right?

But if we try to get love your neighbor as yourself first and make that the first commandment, everything falls apart.

So we have to put first things first, relationship with God.

Now many times when I talk with someone, I do a lot of biblical counseling, so when people come to me for counseling, they'll say, well, I'm just going through all these things and I'm struggling with anxiety, I'm so depressed, my boyfriend and I really should break up, but I just can't or whatever it is.

They're dealing with I Find generally the most helpful thing to talk about first is how is their relationship with God?

Because if your relationship with God is not doing well, then everything else in your life tends to start falling apart.

And then when I do talk about that, people tend to tell me, well, you know, I'm not really having a devotional time every day.

Or if they are having a devotional time, it's more, well, I read this little devotional page every day, or I spend 5 minutes, or I read a chapter, or I have a prayer.

And it's not really about a deep connection with Christ as the center of their lives.

Many people say, well, I don't know how to get really close to God, because of course, what makes it difficult in building a deep relationship with God?

No, it's sometimes very difficult to feel close to God.

You don't talk with him, you don't see him, and you often don't feel him being there.

And this is why I think it's very helpful to talk about my husband's and my story personally and how the Lord led us together.

He came across to the States just for a couple of weeks.

And during that time we met and We ended up spending barely a week together really in the midst of the general conference session in Toronto in 2000.

And as we were there spending time together, we got to know each other well enough that we decided we wanted to stay in touch.

And so he came back to Helderberg, and I was living in New York at the time.

So we were not just a long distance relationship.

People say, well, we have a long distance relationship.

We don't get to see each other very often.

And we had to really be intentional if we wanted to build a relationship.

So I think this is a good allegory for helping us understand how to build a relationship with God.

I hardly knew what his handwriting looked like.

I didn't know his favorite colors, his favorite foods.

But when we were getting to know 1 another, long distance, we were intentional because we were motivated.

You see, many people think that they just can't build a relationship with God that's close, like they can build with their boyfriend or their girlfriend.

It's so much easier to build a relationship with a boyfriend or a girlfriend, right?

Because they're right there, You can see them, they talk to you, they laugh with you.

So often when a person is starting to feel thirsty for a relationship with God, They mistake that for a thirst for a relationship with a human being and begin immediately searching for a partner someone that will make them feel complete make them feel loved and You can find that pretty quickly if you're looking in this world often You'll find someone who will make you feel loved for a little while.

You see, no 1 ever really knows us to our very souls except Christ.

And therefore we can never truly trust someone else's love.

They don't really know us to our very souls.

You know, my husband is a wonderful husband, but he's a sinner, and I'm a sinner.

So we fail each other, we misunderstand each other.

We needed a relationship first with a God who we couldn't see, who we couldn't touch, but who we knew loved us so much, and who we could love in response.

Because that's the great cry of the human soul.

We have to have a relationship in which we could really know God and love him.

The problem is, For most of us, we're just not very motivated.

We aren't motivated enough to work at it.

And I know this because when my husband first wanted to build a relationship with me, I wasn't sure if I wanted to put in the effort.

I'd already tried once having a long distance relationship, and everything was wonderful until we were actually in the same place.

And then it all fell apart, and we were so different from 1 another, and it just wasn't going to work at all.

But we didn't see it until we were actually together for a couple of weeks.

So I was kind of skeptical about the whole long distance relationship thing.

But when I started spending time with my husband, just long distance at that time, you know, nowadays you can use Skype, You can connect in so many ways for free.

Then we had email and we had this new thing called MSN Messenger.

So we downloaded that onto our computers and we could now type to 1 another slowly.

Now of course my husband living in Africa, he had a very old computer.

And I would happily be typing away, isn't this wonderful?

Because his computer was so old that if I was typing anything, he couldn't.

How to Win a Loser

We're talking about how to win a loser, which is of course what none of us want to do.

Father in heaven, thank you so much for your love for us.

We pray that you will guide us now as we're understanding more of the principles from your word.

Open our minds with your Holy Spirit, Lord.

This is how to attract all the wrong people or if you wish how to avoid them.

So first thing to do if you want to win a loser, number 1, fantasize.

I cannot tell you how many people I meet.

And this seems to be a problem for women in many ways because they love novels.

You go to the store and there are all These big fat paperback novels with women in passionate positions with their men holding of them and their long locks flowing.

There's nothing like fantasy to kill the joy of reality.

Many people just have this picture of the knight in shining armor that destroys every real life person that they meet.

I know a woman who was so obsessed with her ex-fiancé who had broken up with her, that everything her husband did was always wrong because it could never be as good as her ex-fiancé.

And you know, what man in the world can compete with an ex-lover who abandoned her at the height of love and now you know, who else can come along who could ever measure up to the fantasy person?

His girlfriend had broken up with him, and from then on, no other woman would satisfy him, Because while he was actually dating her, he was depressed and having all kinds of problems and she wasn't at all satisfying him.

But once she had left him, she became a goddess.

And all other women were measured next to her cooking and her beauty and her everything.

And it wouldn't have been as bad except that the ex-girlfriend stayed in touch with him even though she'd moved on and married, they were still best friends.

And you know, no 1 else could ever measure up to such an incredible woman because no 1 ever can.

If you have a fantasy person in your mind, no 1 alive will ever be able to measure up to that person who understands you perfectly, who always loves you, who's always sensitive, who always makes the perfect favorite foods, and always gives you everything you need.

Who can measure up to something like that?

Now, I don't mean that you shouldn't have ideals.

Never settle for somebody just going, well, it doesn't matter.

I know she's not really as spiritual as I'd like, but, you know, or well, I know he can't seem to hold a job down, but you're never going to find anybody perfect, right?

You're never going to find anybody perfect.

But don't negotiate on the things that are important.

What I'm talking about, though, is a fantasy person who no human being alive can measure up to.

This is a problem with long distance relationships, honestly.

And here I say this as a person who married my husband, having only spent maybe 6 weeks actually together before we were married, but it's been wonderful.

Marriage has just been a taste of heaven.

We kept telling each other, you know, it's going to be really hard the first year.

We were just so happy we were finally on the same continent.

It didn't matter right we loved it But we also had really gotten to know each other on the things that mattered We didn't know some of the things that people generally know when they're dating you know we didn't know each other's favorite restaurants of course We were too poor to go to restaurants anyway.

We didn't know a lot of those things that other people know, but we knew the things that mattered.

So make sure you know the things that matter to you.

And then don't negotiate on those things.

But when you have a fantasy lover, this is the problem with watching television, movies, reading novels, and long distance relationships where it's so easy to make this person into everything you dreamed of.

And this is the dangerous thing also with abusive people, they know how to manipulate to make you think they are whatever you want them to be.

So, fantasy is the first way to make sure that you're going to have a terrible disappointment in marriage.

No man alive can live up to being a fantasy man.

No woman alive is going to be like the porn stars on television.

When you can type in everything that you exactly want and then up pops a woman who's just what you ordered and you don't have to do any hard work in building a relationship, don't think that's not going to affect the way that you react to your spouse when she doesn't make you feel good.

No human being will ever make you perfectly happy.

And the more of a fantasy life you live in, the more miserable real life is going to be.

I remember when I would watch a movie and I just, oh, enjoy myself so much.

But then when I'd watch the romantic movie, then when the credits roll at the end, it's like, and I'm stuck here with nobody, right?

You know how it is when you listen to the love songs, and you're just sitting there listening to the love song and feeling such love for nobody.

Just because it would be so nice to have someone that made me feel this way, but I can't think of anyone.

And then you sort of pick someone that you know, and well, you know, just imagine it was him or her.

The more fantasy life you live in, the less reality will make you happy.

So if you want to win a loser, number 1 thing to do is Fantasize.

You know what's interesting about fantasy people?

When you can create a fantasy person, this person Somehow always knows exactly what I want.

A fantasy life is always fundamentally self-centered, and that's why it's a bad idea from day 1.

Now I know this is a bad 1 and a confusing 1.

You mean I can't ever flirt with someone?

I do not mean that you have to live your life somber and never smiling at anyone.

Here's what I'm talking about when I say if you want to win a loser, be flirtatious.

Imagine, okay, random insecure guy walks into a party and there are 50 women there.

What is random insecure guy going to do, number 1, if he's looking for a girl?

First thing he's going to evaluate is how attractive are these women.

So, you know, within the first 20 minutes say, he's evaluated, he's gone around the room, He's done the butterfly thing and yeah, he's evaluated these these 10 are the prettiest Maybe even these 5 so he's picked the ones that he thinks are the hottest now.

He's gonna start flirting with them he's gonna start going so what brought you here Right and the music's playing and now remember, this is random insecure guy, because secure guy is going to walk in there, secure in Christ, loving the Lord, trying to be a blessing, tuning into other people.

But insecure guy, he's going in there, it's all about him, right?

So he's going in there, he finds who, she pleases me well, the Samson approach to finding a wife, which is always a bad thing, right?

He starts spending time with 5 girls, say, that he's narrowed it down to, these are the 5 most attractive girls to me.

The Secret Room: Giving God Our Sexuality

All right, let's have a word of prayer first.

Father in heaven, we thank you so much for your love.

Thank you for a new day, and Lord, I pray that as we're sharing today, your word will reach each 1 of our hearts and teach us what we need to know so that we can grow into your image every day.

Right, so today we're talking about the secret room, giving God our sexuality.

Now this is Always a hot topic, pardon the pun, right?

Everyone wants to think about sex and talk about sex in our modern culture.

But as a Christian church, we sometimes are afraid to for some reason.

God has given us this wonderful gift of sex.

And now we're living in a super sexualized society.

The devil is just taking God's great gift and wreaking havoc and turning it into a terrible, poisonous, deadly evil.

God wanted sex to be 1 of the greatest gifts that he could give us.

And that's what he wants to give to us now.

Everything that is important to you and who you are is pictured as a house.

And off of this house, there's 1 room, a secret room.

You can even think of it as an underground room, something that isn't flaunted to everyone else in the world.

It's a special place that is only for you and for God.

And someday when you find your best friend for life, you marry that person and that day their house and your house are joined together by the secret room, the special place that only the 2 of you will share.

It's a special place that the 2 of you will decorate together.

It will be an expression of who the 2 of you are, a beautiful place that only the 2 of you share this wonderful experience.

This is what God's plan is for sexuality.

The sacred place for us to bond with 1 person for life.

It's a beautiful gift and it's something pure and good.

It's a beautiful thing that God wants us to have.

But nowadays, if you walk down the street to all the other houses on your street, all of them have taken their secret room and made it into the front porch.

It's such a nice place and as you walk down the street, everyone else's house looks so much nicer than yours, right?

They have a beautiful place to entertain their guests, to spend time with people, to have a wonderful time with anyone who comes past who they want to spend time with, right?

It's their front porch and it's decorated, it's flaunted.

Everyone can see what an amazing person they are.

And They can share it with anyone they want.

When you compare your house to all these other houses on the street with their beautiful front porch secret room, your front porch looks pretty barren, doesn't it?

And compared to everyone else, who would ever be interested in me?

You know, see, when I tell young ladies, dress modestly.

They hear, make yourself look like the broad side of a barn, make yourself look as plain and ordinary as possible, and you're just going to look like you're a pioneer woman from a hundred years ago, but maybe you'll finally get a good guy.

God is never going to take away good gifts from us.

If he says, make your front porch be barren if it must, compared to everyone else's, but trust me, I have a beautiful plan for your secret room.

He's not gonna say, no, I'm sorry, you can't have a wonderful sex life like everyone else out there.

You're going to be stuck, waiting and waiting and waiting in barren purity until someone comes along that you can marry, and then you can only have that 1.

Everyone else has a wonderful time, but you are stuck.

Is God's plan ever less than what the devil gives us?

But nowadays, we're living in a culture in which sex sells everything.

I don't know if you have this label over here, big sexy hair.

I saw this when I was in the store the other night.

I was just horrified big sexy hair What is that What is my hair have to do with this pure beautiful intimate relationship I have with my husband alone.

But they're wanting to make it into, it's what sells cars and what sells cows and what sells anything and everything.

You wanna sell something, you add sex into it, and next thing you know, it sells so much better.

This is a terrible thing that the devil has done.

He's captured 1 of the greatest gifts of God.

And you know, the greater the gift of God, the worse it is when the devil uses it, right?

Hasn't God given us the beautiful gift of parenting, families, but how terrible is it when the devil gets hold of the concept of family?

When he causes abuse and neglect, there's no other way that you can so destroy a child's picture of God as to have parents who abuse them, who don't show them what the image of God is and instead show them, no, God is somebody who won't protect you, who hates you, who despises you.

Family is a wonderful gift, but it's also a terrible curse when Satan takes over it.

The more beautiful the gift of God, the more devastating it is when the devil gets a hold of it and destroys it.

God has given sex as a pure gift, but when sin separates sex from purity, intimacy, and relationship, which is what God's context for sex is, when sin gets in there and poisons it, he makes us obsessed with our appearance, with our performance, with comparison.

When I talk to people who have been involved sexually before they got married, I don't hear about how glorious and wonderful the devil's way was and how boring it would be to have to live God's way.

Series

Letters From My African Lover

The Secret Room: Giving God Our Sexuality

Transcript

Parent Series

Sponsor

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