Michigan Camp Meeting 2017

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Michigan Conference of Seventh-day Adventists

Raising Tech Safe Kids

Chuck Hagele

1. Life Ready Kids

Thank you for the privilege of being here.

Thank you for each person that is here and represents our families.

Lord, today as Chuck shares with us, we just pray that your spirit will speak through him.

That You will open our ears to hear what you have to say to us.

Our children are so precious to us and we want to be raising them for you.

And Lord, we just ask that today and throughout this week that you will help us to learn the things that you would have for us.

And Father, if there is somebody that needs to be here, we pray that you will bring him here.

And also, if there's something that Chuck has planned that you want him to say something different, then we ask that you would put those words in his mouth.

So Father, thank you for your presence here and for your love to us.

I remember as a little kid that we were playing as my dad was working.

And my dad was chomping at a bunch of grass and limbs and kind of clearing a field area, and Little Chucky, that's what I was called when I was a little guy, Little Chucky was there playing, probably pretending to help, but probably getting in the way, and I remember at that moment my dad said, run.

And my dad went running by me and my dad said run and guess what I did?

I kind of sat there and then I was covered with wasps and stung all over.

Ran to my dad with wasps coming after me.

You know what's interesting to me is that I remember at that point is that when I didn't know why to run, I did run.

And then as soon as I was in pain, I needed my dad.

And what's interesting for me, and probably a thought that I want to get into our brains, is that I want to think throughout this week about kids that are running that are in pain.

Most of my time, I can do clean hand work.

And that's kind of embarrassing, because somehow in my life I turned into an office boy.

And even my job at Project Patch as executive director, I'm not the person that's with the kids all the time.

I travel to the youth ranch once a month.

I spend quite a bit of time at our family program, and I spend quite a bit of time traveling around doing this sort of thing.

And 1 night I was at our youth ranch on my monthly visit, and My time there at the youth ranch is interacting with kids as much as possible, hanging out with the staff, but it's really not this, if I'm there or not there, it doesn't change a whole lot.

And so I'm there, and it's about 10 o'clock at night, And I get a call from 1 of the staff that says, we've had a boy run away.

And that's rather unusual for a kid to run away at patch.

And so I went into the boy's dorm, which is right there by the apartment I was staying in.

And so our night staff had put in the call and we're recruiting staff to do dorm checks and start doing checks around our campus.

And we do 2 by 2, That's just a rule for staff safety and kids safety.

So Terry Grimm, 1 of the girls director and I were walking with our flashlight.

It was pitch dark, late at night, fall day, kind of cold.

And I don't know about you guys, but flashlights aren't that useful sometimes, right?

You can kind of see around, but if it's really dark and someone's trying to hide, they're really hard to find someone with.

And so we're walking and suddenly we hear footsteps coming toward us.

We can't quite see what it is, we hear this crash as a plane of pane of glass hits a big tree and you know you instinctively turn and there's bits of glass flying all over and then this boy stumbles at our feet and collapses.

He's covered in blood and he's just going through this, I'm not even sure what.

We stop and we start responding to him physically for his physical needs.

So you're checking pulse, you're checking his breathing, you're doing all those things.

You're using a calm voice and you're talking to him.

And we went through the process of getting him the help that he needed that night.

EMTs responded and we kept him safe that night.

What was interesting for me is that sort of experience, when you go to bed after that, Sleep doesn't come that quickly, does it?

And I spent a while getting the blood off my hands, which is 1 of those things they say, wear gloves, all those kind of things.

And I just can't stop the thought processes coming through.

And this thought came through into my mind crystal clear.

Hurting kids need someone that they can run to that won't run away.

Every hurting kid needs someone they can run to that won't run away.

And so this week we're talking about really tough topics.

We're going to be talking about pornography.

We're going to be talking about some video game addiction, social media.

My guess is as we spend time together as parents we're going to discover that there's probably other tough topics we need to talk about.

But the key thing I want us to keep in mind is that our goal is that when we're freaked out by what's going on in our kids lives, their friends lives, all this stuff, our goal is to be the person that doesn't run away screaming.

That when we're scared we don't hide behind stuff.

When we're confused, when we don't have the answers, that we're not the ones that are hiding, but we're the ones that they can come to and that they can, through us, you know, find some freedom.

And most of what that means is that for us, we're going to be terrified, so who are we going to be pointing them toward?

John 10.10 says, the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but I have come that you might have life and have it abundantly." You know, we're talking about life robbers, we're talking about so many different things this week, and so my goal as we spend our time together is for us to be courageous.

You know, so as parents maybe you're feeling a little trepidation of why am I here, what are we going to be learning, what is this going to be all about.

My goal at least for our time together is that we're hopeful, that we're strong together, that we realize that there's gifts that God has provided that can take us a long ways.

And so just as an overview for this week, we're going to be talking about quite a few different things.

Today, we're going to be talking at the top of your list.

Today, we're talking about life-ready kids, which is my favorite topic, because for me, I talk about lots of scary stuff.

But if we don't have the perspective of the good stuff, then we really lack something that we need as motivation for us as parents.

So we're going to start talking about life-ready kids.

Tomorrow, we're going to talk about communication, How to talk to the kids that are really good at saying, huh, you probably know those kids, right?

So how do you communicate with kids that don't want to talk?

Communication is a huge, powerful thing that I think will lock some truths behind that.

Wednesday, we're going to be talking about pornography, pornography, mostly online pornography, but it really translates into other things, as well as recovery.

And so really helping us understand why pornography has this pull with our boys and girls and some things that we can do for that.

2. How to Communicate with Kids Who Don’t Want to Talk

Let's have a word of prayer and let's get started this morning.

Father, we just thank you for this brand new day, for all the promises that lay in store.

We just thank you for the weather that lifts our spirit.

And more than that, Father, we just thank you for the hope that you instill in us.

In the midst of storms, that we know that you have us, that your rainbow promises that we won't be, we won't be undone by this world, but that you'll be triumphant.

And so we just praise you for that this morning.

And Father, just give us hope as we have this conversation.

Give us wisdom and most of all, protect our children in your name, amen.

I got some sleep last night, so I'm feeling good.

Traveling from the Northwest, I've discovered that you have different things for me to be allergic to, and so my hay fever or whatever is kind of acting up, but I am happy to be with you guys.

I discovered that little trail that goes, what, the Freedom Trail, is that what it's called?

So I went and discovered some mosquitoes on that.

Some of you are a little distrustful right now.

If you want 1 of these things, feel free to grab 1.

There's no pressure to play with a pipe cleaner, but some of you would benefit from that.

So yesterday we talked about raising life-ready kids.

If you remember this, it was this idea that our kids need to grow in personal responsibility over time, and us as parents need to hand off responsibility.

Clear on this phase, you remember that parents have more responsibility early on in the kid's life.

Remember, the kid can't do anything by themselves, not even hold up their head.

The parents' responsibility is to guess and figure it out.

You know, just as an illustration, do you remember teaching your kids how to clean their room?

And you only clean it when you start stumbling on stuff because you're so tired so you start kicking stuff out of the way.

We have friends right now that just have a two-year-old and she just gave birth to twins.

And so right now the room's not that clean but they're surviving but over time you start teaching the child how to clean the room and a lot of that especially when you've got a two-year-old under the hands or 1 two-year-old is that you're giving them 2 to 3 toys and you're trying to fill their arms up as they clean their room.

And then you're putting stuff away as fast as possible.

And why do you give them stuff to put away?

Because have you ever been in that situation where you're putting stuff away and your kid is pulling stuff out as fast as possible.

And so yeah, you're giving them stuff, but pretty soon you're standing in the room and you're guiding them.

You're saying, that goes there, that goes there.

I bought a, well, actually I was given a mandolin.

I've played guitar for years, but I was given a mandolin.

You know what that is, like a little ukulele type thing.

And that's what I use when it's my kids cleaning room time.

Because I can sit there and dwaddle with that and I can give directions, but I'm no longer doing that.

But I still have to be there, especially for my little guy who's got some special needs.

I have to kind of be there and guide them through it.

But over time, you're not in your kid's room anymore, but you still have expectations for how they clean it.

The teenage conversation turns from teaching to coaching as they become more responsible.

And so remember that that's our overall goal.

We're going to have this model throughout the time, but think about how many conversations, how many times of modeling, how many times of top practice it takes for your kid to learn how to clean their room.

And I don't know about you guys, but what we see at Project Patch is that even from a hygiene, there's times that kids reach their teen years and they take a slump in hygiene.

You're like, oh God, I just want to, I want something.

You know, 1 of the things that we don't put on our job description for Project Patch staff is the sniff test.

We have actually kids at Patch who sometimes say they wash their hair, but they just put it on that very crown of their head because that's where they think staff will smell.

But the process is that we want our kids to choose over time to become self-motivated to do these things.

You know, so much of what we do as parents involves being able to talk with our kids, being able to share our hearts with them, being able to connect verbally with our kids.

And I don't know about you guys, but there are days that I'm raising 2 girls and a little boy, there's days that the conversation flows and there's days that it doesn't.

I work really hard at connecting with teens as much as possible, and there's days that teens will just give you the huh, uh-huh.

And then there's days that conversations flows.

What I want to share with you is just some models that we've experienced at Project Patch to increase the likelihood of being able to communicate with teens.

The chance of kids sharing significantly, getting that to increase.

Remember, tomorrow's goal is tomorrow we're talking about pornography, same time, same place.

The day after that on Thursday, we're talking about video game addiction and compulsive video game play and going through some plans on helping your kids if they're challenged by that.

And then Friday we'll end with social media, probably talking a lot about phones and apps and about kids navigating the different levels of social things that they're going through.

Another reminder is that I've had some people take me up on it.

I'm here, available, willing, wanting to connect with parents and do some coaching, do some conversations.

If you've got something that's really working for you as a parent that you'd like us to share with me to help get the word out, you know, that sort of thing, I'd love to.

So sign up right here if you'd like to meet.

I'm available every day except for during this time.

Mealtimes, I love mealtimes, that sort of stuff.

So how to communicate with teens that don't want to talk.

The key point for today is that you need to be able to talk about difficult things.

Here's what's interesting is that you need to be able to talk about it, but have you noticed that a lot of your times your kids are really resistant to getting information from you?

What I have to say is that, especially for moms in the room here, and moms, raise your hand.

Moms in the room with your teenage daughters, you are at a higher level of struggle on this.

You've got so much to teach your daughters and especially as your daughters get into the teenage years, they're going to be super resistant to your wisdom.

3. Raising Kids Safely in a Pornographic World

Let's bow our heads and start off this morning with prayer.

Father, we just thank you for this bright new beautiful day.

We just thank you for in the midst of this world that's that's soaked with so many dangerous and sad things that your light shines and that you're willing to shine your light into the darkest places and bring healing.

Father, we just pray for this tough topic as we discuss it, that we might find hope that our kids might be protected from it, and more than that, that our kids will have freedom from it.

Today we're talking about pornography, which is not an easy thing to talk about.

You know, there's a verse in the Bible that says the thief comes to, what?

How many of you woke up today with a to-do list?

Some of you woke up with a survive list, right?

And then some of you woke up with a to-do list.

What I'm convinced about is that Satan wakes up every day.

And that's pretty simple, steal, kill, and destroy.

Any idea what this is right here other than Legos?

10 years, 10 years, 10 years, adding up to 80 years.

And some people are on bonus time, that's great, but this is a statistical lifetime.

And what I try to show on this is, we use this as a counseling tool with kids at Patch.

What's interesting is getting a kid to talk like we talked about yesterday is difficult at times and this is a tool just for us to say hey what do you know about your your first year of life?

Parents, pets, you know what pictures do you remember from that point?

And so imagine storytelling Through their life up to the point that they are this kid at this point I think I've represented at a 16 year old most of the time we put a little Lego kid You know for whatever age they're a little guy or girl sitting on it but it's a way of telling stories and what I find interesting is that as you hear a kid's story, they've got great memories.

This is when I highlight for that year was that I got to spend a week with Grandpa and Grandma at cousin camp or something like that.

You know that's when I started first grade.

You know, what do you remember about your first grade teacher and there's lots and lots of good stuff.

But the majority of kids that we're dealing with, you start getting to 4 or 5 and that's when they remember dad and mom fighting.

That's when they remember hiding and plugging their ears.

You get a little bit further, they remember divorces, they remember when mom started getting this boyfriend, they remember unsafe touches, they remember feeling alone, they remember feeling stupid at school, loss in the family where someone that they really depended on, maybe a grandparent, passed away.

We've got kids that have gone through suicide of their parents, discovered their parents after the suicide.

But you can even imagine your kids, right?

They've got great stories and they've also got losses in here.

For our kids at Patch, we finally get to a point that they've shared the good, the bad, and a lot of them are the disappointments, the mistrusting, the habits that they've developed for coping, and we ask them, how much of this do you want to have defined this?

How much of this do you want to set these relationships?

And the reason that this comes to mind is that I ask teenagers this pretty annoying question.

I ask them, how many of you believe that at some point you're going to meet this person of your dreams, your heart is gonna go nuts, and your tongue is gonna fail you.

You're gonna pursue their heart, you're gonna win their heart, you're gonna get married, and then you're gonna be together till death do you part.

How many of you believe that's in your future?

Guess what I hear from majority of teens, Christian, non-Christian, Adventist?

What sort of, what do you think I'm getting?

That majority of kids, I have a few kids that are like, yes, but that's the minority.

Majority of kids are either this or I don't know.

So trauma, background, in their background they could have parents that divorced, right?

Grandparents that divorced, uncles and aunts that have divorced, friends.

So they've got a lot of brokenness in the past.

Okay, so they're so hopeless about the future that they don't believe that that's even there.

You know, and I'll be honest with you, I remember praying as a teenager, God Please help me to be able to have sex before you return.

Anything else that you think of that would keep a kid from believing that that's in their future?

You don't see many of that that sort of thing happening.

How many people know the statistic for the likelihood of marriage succeeding?

Did you realize that that statistic is really, kids will tell you, people tell you about 50-50 chance, they might fudge it a little bit which way it goes, but approximately 50-50 chance of marriage succeeding is what the statistics tell us.

But here's what's mind-blowing is that that's overall statistics of marriage, including remarriages.

If you take first-time covenanted marriages, and by that It's a first-time marriage in which you're doing it, covening it, making a covenant in front of God.

So we're talking not just going to the judge or something like that, eloping.

First-time covenant marriages have over 70% chance of succeeding.

The problem is, is that if you divorce, the likelihood of having multiple divorces increases.

And so that population that divorces actually starts skewing the statistic.

And so when people hear that, they're like, 50-50 chance, that's a coin flip, right?

And if you're doing a coin flip, how many of you feel good about you know, that's scary, but for kids they need to know that that's a possibility for their future.

And so if kids are at this age, 14, 15, 16, saying, I don't believe I'm going to be getting married someday, or I don't think it's likely for me to be in a strong covenant marriage that I can't plan on that in my future.

How does that change their personal pursuit of purity?

How does that change their sexuality if they don't believe that that's in store for them?

You know, so when we read this verse, the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy, it is something that is, I've seen, is valid.

Kids' dreams, before they're even reaching that age of dating, they've had a dream stolen from them.

And I think that's part of our job is to restore it.

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Series

Raising Tech Safe Kids

2. How to Communicate with Kids Who Don’t Want to Talk

Transcript

Parent Series

Parent Conference

Sponsor

Recorded

Parts

1. Life Ready Kids

1h 17m

2. How to Communicate with Kids Who Don’t Want to Talk

1h 16m

3. Raising Kids Safely in a Pornographic World

1h 18m

4. The Video Game Antidote

1h 16m

5. Disconnected in a Connected World-Our Kids and Social Media

1h 14m

Sound Doctrine