GYC Conference 2022: Break Forth

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Generation. Youth. Christ. (GYC)

Abused: Bruised but Not Broken

Candis Braxton

David Buruchara

Tamara Conway

Naked, Covered, & Unashamed

So we're, a few people are still streaming in, but we're just gonna dive right into it and find us where we are because time is of the essence.

And so we want to try to maximize the time we have.

So before we pray, before we pray, I'm just going to ask if anyone is like me and has a strong dislike for mice or rats.

Anyone with a strong, yep, okay, thank you.

In my house, my wife takes, I take care of the spiders and the bugs.

Now, luckily for her, we haven't had any incidents of mice, but she knows I am not coming to her rescue when that happens.

The reason I say that is because if I was an audience member like you, sitting here listening, and there was a mouse or a rat that came in and was in this room, I would not be able to listen to what was said.

I would not be able to pay attention because I'm deathly afraid of mice and rats.

And the reason I say that is because when we talk about subjects like abuse, sometimes memories start to start rolling in our minds.

Memories that are not just any types of memories, but memories that are triggering.

And just as I wouldn't be able to listen carefully to a message when there were rats in the room, sometimes when those memories are triggered, we can't really pay attention because our body goes into fight or flight mode.

And so I just want to give this disclaimer at the beginning of this session and throughout the rest of the seminars, if you attend the seminar, that please monitor how you're feeling.

Please monitor how you are responding to what is being said because if you don't feel safe, If you feel panicky, then don't feel pressure to stay.

You can take a break, go to the bathroom, take a leave of absence, and come back when you're ready.

So with that said, let us pray and we will dive right into today's subject.

Our kind and loving Father In heaven, Lord, we thank you for bringing us all here.

Lord, you have led us, each and every 1 of us, through the many chapters of our story to this place.

And Lord, I don't know the details of some of the chapters in the stories of those seated right here today, the dark chapters, the chapters that maybe they've never wanted to go back to, never wanted to open.

And I know when talking about subjects like these, it can be hard to look back at some of those chapters and so whether it's our experience or us being here to help with others navigating the dark chapters of their story we just ask the abiding presence of your holy spirit will be felt in this place that we will feel safe that we will feel that this is a place where we can finally begin to unpack some of the difficult areas of our lives, not just for the sake of it, but for the sake of it being redeemed, for the sake of it, for the sake of us being healed, and for the sake of us being changed into your image and spreading your love and light to those around us.

Alright, so now if you were, oh thank you, please take a seat, Please take a seat, welcome, welcome.

So, all right, there's an influx of people there.

All right, so, Some of you may have been present yesterday when I asked the question, why is it so hard for us to talk about abuse?

Why is it so hard to talk about abuse in our homes, to talk about abuse in our families, to talk about abuse in our churches, and to talk about abuse in our families, to talk about abuse in our churches, and to talk about abuse in our communities.

Sometimes it's even so difficult to talk about abuse with ourselves, to even admit that we have gone through difficult experiences.

And I know this for a fact because I, myself, have gone through some interesting experiences in this past year.

My first GYC, I think, was 8 years ago here in Phoenix, 2014.

And I was a participant, you know, like many of you, I think it was 2013 actually.

And so I was a participant like many of you.

And you know, when I was up there, I was like, wow, how are these people interpreting the Bible so, you know, so amazingly.

And then the next time I attended GYC, I was like, you know what, it would be cool to speak at GYC, That would be a cool thing to do.

And then 8, now 8 years later, I got the call in July and they're like, would you like to speak for GYC on abuse?

And I was like, oh okay, I am not qualified to talk on this subject.

Until that very same month, God began to reveal to me an experience in my life that I had not until then labeled as abuse.

This experience happened decades ago, and it's only this year that I was able to identify that I had been abused as a child.

And so for the first time ever, I was able to admit to 1 person other than myself to my wife Callie that I had been abused.

Why is it so hard for us to admit to ourselves and to admit to others of the abuse that we have experienced in our lives or the abuse that we are experiencing.

Now there are many reasons but today I'd like to talk about shame primarily.

Now shame is something that has its origins where?

It has its origins here, back in Genesis.

When Adam and Eve were created, the Bible tells us in Genesis chapter 225 that they were naked and unashamed before sin.

But as soon as they had sinned, They began to understand what it feels like to be ashamed.

Shame caused them to want to cover themselves.

Shame caused them to run away from the very person that created them, God.

Shame caused them to hide from God's presence in heaven.

They were in paradise, yet they were hiding from God's presence.

That's why sometimes I'm like it's not just about going to heaven.

What if you don't even, what if you still don't believe that God loves you.

Because Adam and Eve were hiding in paradise.

They were still in heaven, but they were hiding from God.

And Shame doesn't just come to us when we sin, shame comes to us as a result of the sins of others to us.

Sometimes it's even worse, especially when we talk about abuse.

Why do we feel so shameful about the things that we have not even done to ourselves.

That is what I want us to talk about today.

Now to share with you a few quick statistics.

Domestic abuse slash violence has been reported to occur in the lives of 1 in 4 women, 1 in 9 men, sexual abuse has been reported to occur in the lives of 1 in 3 women, and 1 in 12 men, and when you look at abuse more in detail, you'll realize that sometimes it's not even like, this doesn't even represent the whole thing.

Sometimes it's just talking about like sexual assault, like rape, the things that are very obvious, right?

But this might not cover the whole gamut.

And the surprising statistic here, or maybe not so surprising, is that about 67 percent of Seventh-day Adventists have reported being abused as a child.

And so when you look at the numbers, you realize that the numbers of abuse in the church and the numbers of abuse outside of the church, they're not very different.

But it's also encouraging that we're talking about it now.

Now, I know some of you, what you're thinking, you're wondering, that's my mom.

And I know some of you are thinking, you know, what's going on here?

But I will say that black people tan, too.

But I promise you, that is me as a child.

Beyond Me

My name is Candice Braxton and I am a licensed associate marriage and family therapist.

I'm practicing in North Carolina where I reside with my husband and our 4 children.

I also am a mental health mentor, which is something that I think is something that I really, really enjoy working with young people as they navigate through different life challenges.

And I think something that we don't have so much of is just a safe space to talk, a safe space where there's no judgment, there's no need to prove something, you can just be free and be raw and real.

So I try, I enjoy being able to provide the safe space where we can talk, a safe, non-judgmental space, an ear, a safe, non-judgmental ear to listen, and also offering some Christ-centered counsel, because we know Jesus is the real deal right there.

It is a real privilege to be given the mic to speak on abuse with you today and I want to thank GYC for inviting me and also applaud GYC for not shying away from this relevant and sensitive topic.

How many of you were excited when you saw something on abuse in there, Right?

And what I think makes this so special is the more personal approach to the topic that we're taking.

Right, we're not talking about how we minister to people that have been abused.

We're acknowledging that abuse is something that affects us as 7 Day Adventist young people and seasoned people too, right?

Many of us have already experienced some form of abuse, whether it was sexual, physical, emotional, in our childhood, unfortunately, in our adolescence, in our adulthood, and many of us have already witnessed the abuse of others in our homes through domestic violence.

Many of us have also even been perpetrators of abuse, right?

And so the reality is that abuse is happening and has happened in our lives.

And by talking about it, we're taking the first step to address it.

And by talking about it, we're taking the first step to do what, you know, the theme of this weekend is, right?

To loosen the strength of these things in our homes, right?

So I wanna thank and applaud you all for taking this first step with us and attending the seminar today.

And it's my hope that we find some understanding about this matrix that we may find ourselves in, following abuse because of abuse, or we don't even realize what happened, right?

That we'll find some understanding, but that we'll also find some comfort and some hope, right?

Because we are here as Christian youth, right?

As Christian people who know Jesus, right?

And so it is my hope that we find hope together in him.

Father in heaven, we thank you Lord for being a God who has been consistent and persistent in each 1 of our lives.

We thank you Lord that even though there is so much sin and so much that we have endured because of sin, that you have not left us here alone, that you have made a way for us to be able to climb out of this, to be restored, and for parts of us that have been broken to be healed.

We ask that as we take this time to look at abuse and its impact in our homes and in our families and the cycles of abuse that come from it, we pray, Lord, that you will bring out of my mouth the things that are most needful to be heard this morning and that you'll implant in the hearts of things that they need, that we all need, to continue to persist and persevere and to be the lights that you've called us to be in this world.

Abuse is the earthquake that shakes up our lives, trapping us in its moment of time with forces that are too strong for us to fight against.

And we're left with the wreckage that it causes in our life.

We're left having to parse through the rubble and pick up the pieces.

We're left having to rebuild parts of ourselves that are broken.

We're left having to somehow adjust and adapt or just cope with what we've got and move on.

Maybe in your case you were the earthquake whose hurtful words and damaging behaviors left behind a trail of pain.

Now you're left horrified that you've acted out in this way.

You're left too ashamed to reach out for help that you know that you desperately need, but afraid of the consequences and stigma that will result if you do.

You're left feeling stuck with yourself, with your way of being, unsure of how to be anything different.

Or maybe for you, the earthquake came and left your house unharmed, but it devastated your town.

Now You're left with survivor's guilt, questioning why your house remained intact, wondering if there was something that you should have done to protect others from this quake's rage.

You're left having to figure out what you can do to help others rebuild and recover around you.

And you're left having to actually face the fact that there's a limitation to what you can offer others.

You're left having to accept what's in your power and what isn't.

You're left with roads much like this that used to connect you to people that you loved, places that you often frequented, And now it's damaged.

Some relationships are severed, and you're left having to figure out new ways of navigating and finding that connection again.

Whether you are the abused or the abuser at the epicenter of the earthquake.

Whether you witnessed abuse, seeing structures around you fall, whether you heard of abuse, living in the outskirts of its power, but still feeling its quake.

Our goal in this seminar is to help you deal with that aftermath.

The aftermath of the earthquake of abuse.

In all of these cases, how we proceed with the damage the earthquake leaves us, how we rebuild or choose not to rebuild will have implications for those that live around us and for the little homes we create or the big and little homes that come after us.

I know this is kind of a random picture here of a bathroom, but I went on a mission trip to Liberia, and I remember that this was clearly after the Civil War, because their civil were there, so I'm not that aged, I'm not that seasoned.

But when we went there, it was way after the Civil War had happened, but the bathrooms were not functioning.

You know, you have the toilet, you have a shower, you have a sink, you have all of the fixings for a bathroom, but when you went to turn on the faucet, nothing came out.

You had to pour, go get water from a well and pour it into the toilet.

To take a shower, you stood in the tub, but you poured buckets of water on yourself.

And I remember being there and wondering, like, this is so crazy.

You know, people that are living in structures that were damaged, right, by a war, but it never was rebuilt.

So I'm here with the things that are supposed to work, but living like I don't have them.

Right, and this is what happens when we don't address the abuse and the consequences of abuse in our lives.

Leaving that for our children to function within, Right?

The aftermath that we'll be focusing on in this seminar are the unhealthy patterns of behavior that result from being abused or committing abuse.

Now, the scary thing about this behaviors is that they have a way of getting into everything.

And I have a picture here of coconut milk because there's this thing in Jamaica that, you know, when you're being very nosy, they say, you're just like coconut milk, you get into everything, right?

I did that with the Trini accent, I know the Jamaicans out there, sorry, I'm Trini, so I can't do nothing else.

So, you know, coconut milk, it goes in everything in Caribbean cooking.

And just like that, the consequences, the unhealthy patterns of behavior that result from being abused, they end up in everything.

They end up, they get into our relationships with our friends, they get into our relationships with family, our significant others, our spouses, into our homes and into our relationships with our own children and their children to come.

And when they get into these relationships, they run amok, right?

And so their modus operandi is to destroy.

So they come in and they sabotage the makings of a very good and healthy relationship, which is what we are all desiring.

They sabotage our desires for connection, for mutual respect, for self-esteem, for trust, for individuality.

And if we let them have their way, These behaviors don't die.

Should have had some pictures of some cockroaches up here.

Anyone who's had any experience with them, we know that they don't die.

But these behaviors, these unhealthy patterns, they multiply and they replicate themselves over and over and over again in generations to come.

It goes beyond the abuser, beyond the abused, beyond you, beyond me.

So let's take a closer look at these unhealthy behaviors.

The pervasive pattern of behaviors following abuse come in the form of the legacies we inherit and the legacies we pass on.

I pride myself in being a very resourceful person.

I'm the 1 who goes into the pantry and sees what's there.

And that's not patting myself on the back too much.

If you ask those who know me, they can testify.

Callie Williams

Q&A Part 2

All right, we're going to go ahead and get started.

Thank you so much for joining again today for this seminar.

Just to take a quick survey before we get started, I asked this yesterday as well.

How many of you have been to 1 of the sessions for this seminar so far?

Okay, and how many of you this is your first 1?

We have Candice Braxton, Tamara Conway, and David Bruchara.

If you guys can just introduce yourselves again real quick and then we'll get started.

I live in North Carolina and there I am a practicing marriage and family therapist and I'm also a mental health mentor.

I am a grief recovery specialist as well as a mental health coach.

My wife, Callie, and I have a podcast called Down to Earth Baruchara, where we talk about relationships.

Currently studying to be a licensed professional counselor.

Just finished my first year of my master's program, and yeah, that's me.

Well, today is our Q&A session, So thank you to everyone who submitted questions.

If you have burning questions that you still haven't had a chance to ask, there are QR codes around the walls inside and outside.

If you want to scan them and ask, we will try to get to your questions.

The timing is tight, so we might not be able to, but we will also try to go through questions that have already been submitted until now.

So before we get started, let's go ahead and start out with a word of prayer.

Jesus, thank you again so much for another day of life.

Lord, I thank you for waking us up this morning and giving us the strength and energy and desire to come to the seminar.

I thank you Lord that these discussions can take place in a setting like this, that we can feel safe and comfortable knowing that you are here with us.

I ask Lord for the presence of your Holy Spirit so that this would be a productive and a helpful conversation.

I ask Lord that you prepare our hearts to receive what it is you have to say, that you would speak through Candace, Tammy, and David, and Lord that what we take away would be something that we hold deep in our hearts.

We love you, it's in your name that we pray.

We asked a few questions about the definitions of abuse and what it means to acknowledge abuse in your own life or in someone else's life, kind of how to approach it, understanding forgiveness versus reconciliation.

So we had some questions that were mostly about healing, the healing process itself.

So that's what we're gonna get into today.

The first question, just to jump right into it, is how do you start healing or can you start healing if nobody knows what happened to you and what would that look like?

Yeah, can we start healing whether or not people know about the abuse or who the abuse was from?

Your question was, how do we start healing, right?

Well, you know, even there are some cases where when people do know that the abuse happens, right, there's still no accountability that's had, right, so it's where no 1 does anything about it, right?

So it's not so much that someone doesn't know, because even if they do know, it's the same response.

Right, so then that means what we're looking for then is for people to be held accountable for what they have done, right?

That's like what we think will happen if we tell.

And unfortunately, accountability is not always, people fail us in that, right?

So, that though does not mean that we cannot heal or start healing because people are not being held accountable by our community or what have you.

1 thing I will say about that is that they will be held accountable because there is someone who is watching and who is taking into account what has been done.

All right, So we can hold on to that, that even though we don't see the accountability here and now, that it will come, right?

I guess that first thing that it tells us is that healing does not have to do with the other person, right?

It first has to start here, and you don't need permission from anyone to start healing as Tammy was talking about yesterday.

So yes, you can heal whether someone, whether your abuse is known about or not.

And I guess the first thing that I would say to what that process of healing looks like, the first thing will be allowing yourself to feel, right?

What are the hidden emotions that kind of come up?

And I'm not trying to be all sappy and like, you know, woo woo, the feelings, da da da, But feelings are there for a reason.

Like God made us as individuals who can feel.

So the feelings are there to drive us somewhere, right?

The issue comes up when we allow the feelings to take the driver's seat and we're not in control, like we are allowing the feelings to take us wherever.

It is okay to feel and to acknowledge the feelings because many times there are indications to us of areas that we need to look at.

Okay, now we need to look at abandonment, like the validity of that.

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Series

Abused: Bruised but Not Broken

Q&A Part 1

Transcript

Parent Series

Parent Conference

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Recorded

Parts

Naked, Covered, & Unashamed

59m

Beyond Me

57m

Q&A Part 2

1h 4m

Q&A Part 1

1h 1m

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