Inviting you into the heart of inspirational experiences and unforgettable testimonies, Conversations will spark your curiosity and encourage you in your walk with God.

<p>Inviting you into the heart of inspirational experiences and unforgettable testimonies, Conversations will spark your curiosity and encourage you in your walk with God.</p>

<p>Free sharing permitted under the Creative Commons <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/us/">BY-NC-ND 3.0 (US)</a> license.</p>

It Is Written

John Bradshaw

Conversations with Juliet Van Heerden

Welcome to Conversations, I'm John Bradshaw and my guest is Juliette van Heerden.

She is an author, a public speaker and a teacher and this is our conversation.

Hey, let's go back to about where you think the beginning is.

Where does your story, it's a fascinating story, it's a moving story, a very powerful story, and a story that's going to impact a lot of lives as you share it.

Well, I grew up in a Christian family, Christian home.

My mom was a very devout Christian woman, but I am the product of divorce.

My parents divorced when I was 4, and then when I was 14 there was another divorce.

I was a child who experienced the feelings of abandonment and the idea that happily ever after doesn't always turn out that way.

And I made a vow to myself as a child that I would never get divorced.

And that was a promise that I made to myself and really ended up trying very hard to keep.

Do you feel now that growing up in 2 divorced homes, that that had any bearing on some of the decisions you made that now you're a grip making?

I was a person who likes order and structure and routine and stability.

And when you suffer divorce, whether as a child or an adult, your structure and your routine and your stability just gets all messed up.

And so I think it caused me to want to always create, to control my environment, to control my world and create this, I'll say, perfect world that didn't have the chaos that I had experienced as a child.

So raised in a home where the Bible was important, faith in God was important.

And all of those things were normal to you and they became a part of your life.

Okay, and that was a good positive experience?

I learned a lot about the Bible and about God.

You've mentioned that you were the bridesmaid several times and that you may have, well, you may have made a decision that later on you regret.

If this was a decision that later on you might have wanted to do over Tell me how that how that came to be but tell me about this the circumstances around your marriage okay, well I I Ended up making a decision to marry a person that I probably would not have consciously chosen, but sometimes as a young person will make a compromise.

And I tell young people when I speak to them, be careful who you date, be careful who you go on 1 date with because that person might end up being the person you spend the rest of your life with.

And so I became friends and involved with a person that I probably wouldn't have initially chosen But because you end up getting your heartstrings pulled a certain direction and you make commitments and you feel pressure.

I felt the pressure around me of my friends getting married and My little timeline that I had made as a kid wasn't working out because if I was going to have all these kids, then I needed to go ahead and find a husband and get going.

I rushed things and I did not do my homework.

I tell my students, do your homework, but I didn't do mine.

And I did not even know what questions to ask a potential spouse.

Okay, let's go through some of these things.

Well, I would definitely recommend asking, what is your experience with substance abuse, with alcohol and drugs?

What is your experience with pornography?

What longstanding friendships do you have?

Maybe even wanting to meet those friends and hang out with people that have been in this person's life for a long time.

Really, we say yes and I do to somebody that we really don't know if they haven't been transparent with us.

And sometimes people like to keep the skeletons in their closet.

I remember saying to my fiance, check me out, do your homework, go and talk to the people who make up the fabric of my life.

I was scared to death when she actually did.

Knowing she did that and then said, I do, was 1 of the biggest surprises of my life.

So that's the sort of thing you're talking about, right?

So how do you marry someone without really knowing them?

How did you make what you now consider, mistake is a strong word, but how did you make that mistake?

And the reason I'm asking you is because I want you to help somebody else who maybe is standing in that place now to not make that mistake.

Well, I mean, you get caught up in the moment, you believe a person, you take what you see at this moment and you don't realize that there's something behind what you see.

So I mean I just felt I felt excited that someone was interested in me, that they enjoyed some of the same things that I enjoyed.

Yes, we had a little bit different background, but I was an optimist.

I thought that whatever wasn't just right, I could make right.

I recently heard a sermon where someone said, women need to not think of men as projects, and men need to not think of women as possessions.

And I think I like a project, and so that might have been part of it.

A challenge that you can change a person.

So in your experience, you discovered you can't change a person.

You can't take a person who is who they are and try to make them someone that you want them to be.

But when I realized things weren't exactly happily ever after for me, I was really trying very hard to make this person fit into into what I thought Was the mold for a good Christian husband?

Let me ask you about this Because no 1 is ever married to the perfect person.

No, So you've got to accept some imperfections, some limitations, right?

In a person, but there are some things you should never accept and think that you're going to be able to change.

How do we know what it's, you know, he, she, isn't everything, he or she might be in this area, but that's okay, and other areas it's not okay?

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Conversations with Juliet Van Heerden

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