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It Is Written

John Bradshaw

Coping With Grief

Coming up next, please stay tuned for It is Written, presented by Pastor John Bradshaw.

I'm John Bradshaw, thanks for joining me.

In Matthew chapter 13 you read a fascinating parable, the parable of the wheat and the tares.

A man with a field of wheat discovers that somebody has sown weeds among the wheat and has caused great damage and potential catastrophic loss.

And when his servants came to him and spoke to him about the weeds in the field, He answered by saying, "'An enemy has done this.'" That's Matthew 13 and verse 28.

When God created the world, it was a perfect world.

There was no sin, no sadness, no suffering, no loss, but an enemy came.

And 1 of the consequences of the work of the enemy is grief.

Grief is a foreign emotion to us, at least with regard to the way God created us.

Unfortunately, it's 1 of life's inevitabilities.

My guest today is Pastor Mike Tucker, the speaker and the director from Faith for Today, a media ministry.

He's the host of Lifestyle magazine and for many years has conducted marriage seminars called Mad About Marriage.

Pastor Mike Tucker, thanks for joining me today.

Now unfortunately when it comes to grief you have first-hand experience, recent experience, the sort of experience none of us want to go through.

Less than 6 months ago, my wife of over 40 years, Gail Tucker, passed away from pancreatic cancer.

First symptoms March 3, put her in the hospital March 6, diagnosed March 16, and died April 10.

So it's been a painful journey for me because she was my best friend, my partner in ministry.

We did everything together from pastoral ministry to chaplaincy to television ministry, seminars, preaching, you name it.

And so to lose her has been just the most devastating experience of my life.

And this simply came from out of the blue?

She's a picture of perfect health, no health issues.

You know, we pastored 1 church for 17 years.

She did not miss 1 day from work because of health, not 1.

So this wasn't something you could prepare for emotionally or in any other way.

No, she played volleyball every week and had for over 20 years with the same group of women.

Diving on the floor, getting volleyballs, you know, the digs they call them, you know, all sorts of things.

Vibrant health, happy, energetic, until boom, all of a sudden, these symptoms hit.

And along with that, with loss comes grief.

Grief is an emotional, psychological, and physical reaction to any loss that is significant.

I'm thinking the loss of a pet, and your four-year-old little girl is going to have the hardest time adjusting to life without Fluffy.

I lost a Great Dane who I'd had for 11 and a half years and I had to put her down because of Arthritis in her back legs, and I loved that dog and I I cried over that dog.

I grieved heavily for her So grief is something that's gonna come.

Yes, and it's going to be difficult, isn't it?

Yes, it is I think it's important people realize this.

There's no shortcut around this, is there?

The longer you put it off, the longer it will take and the more difficult it will be.

The best thing is to grieve early, grieve intensely early, because that's gonna have the best result.

It may not shorten it but it will lessen the overall symptoms and the severity of the process.

You had no time to prepare yourself for Gail's death.

She was a picture of perfect health, closest friend, and from out of nowhere came a devastating diagnosis.

Now, what if this had been a lesser illness but with the potential to become serious?

1 of these illnesses where, my goodness, if things don't go well, we could lose her in 5 years.

Or do you just say, there's no way that's gonna happen, and should it happen, we cross that bridge when we get there?

I think what everyone does at that point is you anticipate the best and you work for the best.

When it becomes worse and then you begin to realize that you might lose them is really the time I think for most people to engage in anticipatory grief.

All right I need to prepare myself in some way for this loss.

How does a person prepare themselves for a loss and the grief that comes with it.

I think the first thing is to make sure that your relationship with that individual is clear, that you're happy together, that there's nothing between you, that anything you need to say I'm sorry for is done.

That's the first step, to make sure that we're good.

And then I think you start by reviewing the stories.

Life review is what we encourage people to do who are facing their own death.

And then as you imagine what it's gonna be like without that person in your life, allowing yourself to feel those emotions and to grieve in anticipation of the loss will also help you.

But just putting the life in perspective and understanding, all right, there's a value to this life.

And although we're going to lose this individual, there's been a value to their being here, there's been a purpose for this life, and that's helpful.

Now grief came to you, and you have some inbuilt preparation.

That is, you're a pastor, you've been a counselor, you've worked in hospice, and you've shepherded people through these processes many, many, many times.

It helps because I know that I'm not crazy.

That's the most frequently asked question of people in severe grief.

However, knowing those things does not lessen my pain.

It may help me understand better how to deal and how to react to things without asking for advice because I know how to give the advice, but it's not going to shorten the intensity of the pain, is not going to shorten the time.

So a husband or a wife is going to lose a spouse.

What's guaranteed to come with that grief?

Well, first of all, there's going to be a sense of emptiness, loneliness.

There may be, especially early on and even continuing for months, the sense that it's not real, like you've dreamed this, like you want to pinch yourself.

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Coping With Grief

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