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Can You Hear Me Now? Communication That Connects

Alan Parker Nicole Parker

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  • July 19, 2008
    4:00 PM
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all right we have sound that's great I will glad to be back with you it's a nice photograph I miss you I have to be on it you're going to the waiting tomorrow or I must answer anyone who didn't raise they had we had something watching at the back don't take care of it we dealing with communication this afternoon what a great topic we got break it into two sections I know to do the first section because Maine came before woman it's all right I just felt like this communication glasses and got been mistaken fiction my wife is going to do so are we going to split it up that way we're also done a handout now if you would have a question we got a handout some cause and that you can just raise your hand and we will hand you a card and you can just fill that out and out at before the end of the station of a right at the end regarding Reagan have a smaller group probably just answer some of the questions sub anybody would like to ask a question you can raise the cup you not yours raise your hand that's that's just also you you'll want to and I I love to have you here you are many I is a right for me to tell another man that I love him anyway this is through masculinity 's so I if you have questions raise your hand if you don't have a pin you can beg borrow don't steal one I just borrow in a nonreturnable basis and you'll be fine with getting with communication that connects and saw first pocket we are look at understanding conflict how did you have never had any conflicts anyone can ever had any conflict all right you have those problem you have is dishonesty we can chat about that so yeah we all have conflict right in one state to another how do we deal what you think is the primary reason for conflict if I was to say to you if you look to the Bible and I talked about people fighting with each other what you think would be the primary reason for the conflict pride is good but it is rooted in something else all right James chapter four Mrs. one three three James for verses one through three if there's why do we have so much conflict while we fighting with each other and it gives the answer James four versus one to three of his wife is the cause of all of our conflict what's behind it all alright somebody with a nice loud voice going and read that and then I'll just repeat some of it for the microphone going at this so what is the reason for conflict what we wanted to do with things and we ask for something what are we asking for something to benefit myself it's for selfish purposes the number one reason for conflict why do wars among us is because we really want things for ourselves and so as we go through conflict you'll see that the number one reason for conflict is is that we are consumed without on personal desires peace amen that's what's behind it we could see them not really appreciated Mike's reading a good King James English and Mike just nice to have you in this relationship and communication seminar all right I didn't say the also liking on the and so that's like a look at some causes of conflicts in the first one we got it to take a look at using miscommunication sometimes we really just don't hear what the other person has to say for instance there was a man during the days before fax machines and fun machines they had guess what they had kilograms and this man was fairly wealthy and he let his wife going to Europe on a shopping trip and says she was on the shopping trip she ended up on going into this expensive store and seeing a five thousand dollars mink coat that was available and so she said I just want this mink coat but a husband incentive before you buy anything expensive you better let me know also I can tell you whether we can afford it or not and so she got the store owner to send back a kilogram to a husband saying mink coat absolutely beautiful price five thousand pounds the husband sends back a message that simply says no price too high and the store on this is man your husband must love you very much he says no price too high she's ecstatic she gets the mink coat she goes back home and he sees her in the mink coat and he goes highly I told you not to buy that she said I got the message is sent no price too high I knew I was valuable to you is that all know that metaphor it was no price too high and so miscommunication happens and so when you find that this conflict you have to step back and say have we simply not vote each other directly you will follow me on that second cause of conflict is unmixed expectations sometimes when we get married we believe that the other person knows exactly what we asked there are so we go into the Mary's thinking you know what they can understand just perfectly when I need now I told my wife that I love doing the dishes I lied this all right I didn't expect to you I was one of those modern man you know Heidi we noticed that the household duties your behalf behalf but the reality was it was programmed into my head that somehow she would do the dishes and so when the dishes went down I was kind of like no what kind of woman is that she has even washed the dishes you up as I went I I would got to thinking you how it is you as you start banging the dishes to get attention there is no watch what they and you always like to try to communicate without communicating and so I would be a little frustrated he and she was think you know what a loving husband I have addition facts and in its essence and so on I'm begging that this is that I have a completely different set of feeling about this this Washington she has at us because I had this expectation somehow built-in that somehow once we got married I wouldn't have to do the dishes you following me yeah it was an unmitigated and once we clarify the expectations I could say am I being reasonable and we could talk about it she told me later on you know what you do kind of expect the wife to do more around the house than what you said is that right Heidi 's and it's true we had to clarify that in and understand from two different backgrounds to different counts is what our expectations where I grew up in Zimbabwe we had two servants the house cleaned itself know I got married my socks did not pick themselves up off the floor for some reason and she had to communicate with her expectation that I would have this ability to pick up the socks and carry them to the laundry which I did learn over time resolution of the dishes she makes the food I wash the dishes I watched this for the rights I'm not a cause of conflict is unresolved personal issues you see when you get together no relationship with any person not just marriage you have built-in things that come from your family background that will crop up now landmines that you walk into if you're another person you don't know why this heaven is gone door-to-door knocking again what's it like you knock on some install one lady suite WG just like sugar you're the next lady Mrs. battle ax why do what I do while I was just having doing a survey in the in the community I is that I now enhance your question wasn't because of what you said that she wasn't interested or was she preprogrammed to be nasty yet because maybe she'd been irritated by someone else that come to the door maybe she had a bad day inside the house in other words the reaction to you have nothing to do with you are you following me so what we find in relationships of those people react to us not because of what would we've done but because there is an unresolved personal issue give you an example my wife and I traveling in the car my foot a little heavier on the accelerator than it should be a gentleman and site yet we are you're going on the freeway I'm very comfortable she's not I don't know that and so we get a little closer to one of the cause up ahead of us and said he's enough I is I and and I I'm falling off the road like why was it wasn't an animal with its visited the you know what I wanted and she said she's can you just a personal best what we think about that when she was a child if anybody criticize the dance driving it was really bad you know that they date it was not a comfortable experience everybody got tense in the car and so on and so when wet driving along as soon as I thought it going fast she wanted to tell me this is too fast for me you're too close to the bumper enemy but she couldn't do it because why she was afraid of getting the same reaction that she had had before yeah exactly such as afraid of getting exactly the same reaction such that the honey listen instead of frightening me out of my nose you can tell me and I'll slow down which I had to remind myself to do because not made this promise with it so the next time she cut it out I would you mind slowing down this is little fast for me and I'm thinking fast Ronnie doing seventy five known risks so I said I think the show and I slowed down and I didn't react and she just looked at me she said that's amazing that's amazing I mean you just I just say this and you slow down of course I'd preprogram myself to have that response but the reality is that many times things crop up in conflict occurs not because of the other person but because of previous landmines that are being built into us by past experience right next cause of conflict as we mentioned just plain selfishness there are times in the middle of the night when you know I want about children will awake and what happens in this situation is both partners trying to pretend that they were asleep and at why we begin with the because neither one of us wants to actually get up and attend to the child we would prefer to sleep and so you live it and you you make the appropriate shoes and then you know eventually you kind of rimmed in the side and it's like it's your turn and I know I know it's always my tune because she does ninety percent of it so whenever she likes me up it must be like to write so I am kind of yawn a lot well now it was also a heavy sleep United kneeling here than a hundred and eighty decibel scream that cannot fix you know that the new I was almost paid the knock on our door about and so I I I find that I do things because unselfish you follow and we do selfish things that cause conflict and that that require forgiveness so these are some of the causes of conflict now we need to take a look at how you deal with conflict five different styles of dealing with conflict is a little graph yeah and can you see the flying here this access is showing that these are people who gone from very little interest in maintaining the relationships off high interest in maintaining the relationship this access is people who have little interest in the golf to a high interest in maintaining a goalsetting in achieving their goals so what happens in conflict is that the title of the what is he due he runs away your voice conflict so he doesn't try and do anything he just retreats into his shell and hopes that the conflict will pass sometimes a good thing to do sometimes the best thing to do in conflict is retreat and avoid Jesus did it at times been there the teddy bears the teddy bears are interested in maintaining the relationship at all cost so the teddy bear there is a conflict in the debut don't all whatever you want and what will make you happy on is that what you want to do sure will do that the problem with turtles and teddy bears is that they can end up getting frustrated now let me ask you I'm a teddy bear how made you want to do this you see you should be able to raise your hand the tickets are not asking the totals you notice all right so if you're a teddy bear yet irritated that you and also you like you like to please people right and it's nice to make them feel comfortable at home but every now and again your boundaries get crossed right and and people go over it yeah yeah he's agreeing with easy when I stated that Iraq then this the Fox of Fox looks the compromise as so the fox is going to try and find a compromise between the relationship and a golf and the other the shocks the shocks of people who will achieve big goals at any cost and so what if you ever have a relationship with the salesperson salesperson knows how to achieve their goals at the end of the day if you lose the relationship well that's what happens but they can achieve the goals and then there's the how DLC for a win-win situation now most of us want to be there but the reality of life as you can always do that sometimes you need to be a teddy bear sometimes you need to be a box sometimes you need to be a shocking sometimes you need to be a total the reality however is each one of us tends to fall into one of these categories and Cialis what happens in a relationship shocks and teddy bears tend to get together and guess what happens this shock since higher we need to do this that it does a show let's do that and they go again but after while the teddy bear begins to feel resentment until they with a teddy bear or total they start to build up this volcano on Sunday and wool of it comes out and so we need to be able to figure out each other 's files and move a little closer to each other if you are dating or married to a teddy bear you need to not be so shocked like does that make sense and if you're a teddy bear you need to express yourself better you need to be able to express your goals and your desires all right so three steps to conflict resolution three biblical steps based on Matthew eighteen firstly speak to God why would you speak to God first these disposable wisdom and because White House gives you give without selfishness while I sometimes don't feel like brain is times when I might load I know what to pray about this you know why is I'm afraid he might convict me and I like you need to apologize logic and apologized you know so when I pray it changes my attitude so the reason why craigslist is I find he softens my heart and before I say some of those damaging things that I've got to say when I pray God changes my heart and I find different things coming out of my mouth then the second step based on Matthew eighteen his speak directly to the person that this equal not confrontation we call that kid from Tatian that means that you are going to go and speak to the person in a caring way you still don't confront the issue but you can be caring about it that doesn't work you may seek immediate as some situations require that now why would you can't confront the person can't kill friendship was white when she just let it go what I just did the total thing we treat within your shell and hope it goes away it's not sustainable of a repair time eventually it will fall apart things will get damage that's why the Bible says don't let the sun go down and arrest the libido down your anger why not because you see I can go to bid angry and wake up happy a media like that got a bit angry wake up happy my wife who got a bit angry wake-up math persists because if she needs to deal with it for me when I sleep on it I'm done with it but if she sleeps on it she will think about the next day and feel the separation between me and hook the next day she will remember rituals just fill experience it and so I would bet it's worth it to kid a front to deal with the issue to take it out of the way instead of letting it fester it will come back to want you if you don't deal with that there are times when you give unable to resolve out event next when you need a mediator all right it's like a look now at the second part of understanding communication and my wife has got to deal with out this section you only just seen the communication cycle seen the receiver you'll know that I'm not that I go into great detail except to say you have a message you have a response the way we communicate lands itself to misunderstanding somebody says something that was on the other main speeds up through a filter and that Fulton reinterprets what that was in the same so when I feel really positively toward my wife she can say anything at all not my native say that's wonderful honey how did you have tried this you've gone to a dog and with the right tone of voice he said come here Fido you silly little maps I wanted I want to grab a hold of you because you just did your party on the flotilla unified of nice boy and the dog got because he doesn't realize he's not listening to the words you say he's listening to the tone of voice right in the same way we may have understandings about another person and what we see is based on out on our understanding was based on some nonverbal cues and we don't execute what they say so this cycle of message in response is forthwith dangerous but is another challenge and that is something called scripting scripting is when we say the same things over and over again to each other without saying anything you I do counseling and so a renown again I'll have a married couple come in and they'll sit down and they'll start having a discussion now they start talking to each other and pretty soon I deliberately stir the pot and get them mad at each other I have a reason I want to see what the issues are so I take an issue that I know the nation the relationship and I throw it in its landmine issue and I throw and I watch them go each other with the belt like fifteen minutes then I called timeouts you know before they kill each other and I say what what is it that caused the problem here you know what what's going on IIS the man I would like to become America's I guarantee that this will work I say can you tell me what she just said and he kept then I asked her how many times have you repeated the same arguments to she says hundreds of times she's repeated them hundreds of times but he has a motive see what's happened they gone into the same thing he says this she says this he says this she says that he says this she says that they say exactly the same things to each other all of our and over again hoping what that the other person will actually hear them so how do we break out of these disruptive cycles these scripts that we set over and over again to each other got a quote from Stephen Covey yet so seek to understand then to be understood so let's take a look at how do we seek to understand the number one way to break out of destructive cycles is my listening now you may think you know how to listen but believe you me once you get married you discover you don't write status some basic listening skills and we're going to run through it a name just try to show it to you and I wonder if we can use that Mike and one other one also we may need one more Mike for this illustration while reflective listening reflective listening is when you repeat back to the other person what they just said so for instance of the pleasantest you do not really mad about what happened this afternoon you don't it seems like your angry about what happened this afternoon now if you do it too much if that is not like a virus now yeah I am mad about what happened this afternoon because I felt that you really betrayed me so you're mad about what this afternoon because I really betrayed edit alert for a while but it doesn't always work along yet thank you so what will happen reflective listening either is powerful because if the other person feels like you are actually hearing the woods they said it does stop him from just saying the same things over and over again you follow me then is active listening active listening goes beyond repeating what they said and is instead trying to find more of what's in the background it's try to find strife to get more of the overall picture sometimes with active listening you can guess what's really going on for instance I have a young lady of my office working study the Bible with four by four months and size is sitting in my office that she she sent me the blood sentences I'm not interested in being an Adventist and unlike what's going on yet and I knew she was going on holiday and so I took a guess I said I is anything you need to tell me know what what's happening with your parents and so she began telling about how her parents wanted her to go to a traditional African fees to worship the ancestors and now she was going to be coming in Adventist and she didn't know how to tell them that she was to become an advanced and they she did not explain to them that she wasn't going to this ancestral feast anymore and now she was mad adventures on she didn't say all of this but as I was listening I began to form on on a hypothesis about what is going on and she does it my parents are upset they want me to go to this ancestral feast and she started telling the oldest and I finally said what you are about what your parents will think about you becoming an entrance and she just broke down and started to cry and she said yes she never brought up about not wanting to be an Adventist again denied the privilege of baptizing her when she returned from a trip on and she didn't go to the ancestral feast so I recognize that sometimes we neither listen deeper find out what you should set active listening is listening deeper in evangelism there to give you a little evangelism technique you ready for this fiscal the three X feel felt down I understand that you feel I felt the same way before and you know what I found your note and so you can tell me what you know I understand how you feel I felt that way when when Joe was was with so-and-so was with Mary Joseph and Mary that I felt the same way about Joseph when he was with Mary and Anne I I I felt like it was really hot them so glad you came you can to tell me about that the I felt the same way before you know I found I thought was a misunderstanding and so once I figured out it was a misunderstanding I week we could chat about it and what I thought was going on and is it was an action what was going on I just want original there is nothing between myself and Christine we just friends but if there was an you have to say that this am regularly boxing mitts he's who's been enough yet have to sit down and say hey what would we go to do we both like the same bill with France inoculates us come between us we have to figure out what's the appropriate way to go about winning her affections and we can we can go head-to-head with each other and pretend like were enemies so that's that's the solution there probably seventeen this twenty eight you know this one and I need to wrap up so that my wife can not come in a province seventeen this twentieth what is it say so many want to read it out they are right is great wisdom in not saying to my if a man some people merely open their mouths to change feet so we go to be careful an important component of listening is affirmation when you have fun the person they get to understand this posting kids about me this doesn't kid is how I feel here is what happens between men and woman when a woman will say it is a problem yet what is a man's off in response many solve that problem for you see the reason why you have a problem honey is because I'm just picking on because there in the front you see the reason why you have a problem she had sunny let me explain it to you the reason why you feel badly is because you have a misconception about the way the other person feels and we can quickly resolve this all right wizard and executive nowhere right because what you looking for dishing one a solution of sympathy she once said that the airline followed me on that soon important component of listening is affirmation second way is to seek to be understood the second critical way to break out of destructive cycles is by learning to all and express your feelings and attitudes and again this means ownership not defensiveness how did you have found that the other person gets defensive yet another cited for years I just put the other person so we find we find out that you know you say you know I just wanted to bring up that I don't like to have food on the table four hours later you know that that's something I'm not used in the other this is a well-liked idleness sloth envy who leads agility ring around the past yard and so you get into these defenses like as well what about you you don't get into these things that break communication down so on the ship means I may suggest I miss just say I take ownership I am the one who feels this way when you are feeling badly about the relation when there is conflict is it your problem will be other business problem if your wife yet it doesn't happen not very happy that going through they think everything 's fine you're the one who's blogging up with resentment so you have to admit to what's going on to your anger your good feelings and go to the other person and admit to the this helps you take ownership of your feelings and attitudes and it prevents you from judging evaluating others behavior now I know what you'll find in the Bible where it judges us but I prefer to eat let the word of God judge me instead of other people you can follow that I can let the Word of God speak I commit the spirit of prophecy speak and I like to be prophetic judgments with the prophets right so if yes do we represent Jesus some pride themselves on being outspoken blunt and rough in the coldest frankness but it is not rightly named it is selfishness of the deepest dye these persons may have virtues they may be liberal enough kind of houses but big discourteous manners rendered him almost insupportable they criticize they wound they say disagreeable things and then she asked the question does the character that they are calculating represent Jesus will it fit them for the society of heaven we shall do well to examine ourselves to see what manner of spirit we cherish they must learn to do what speak gently quietly even under circumstances the most trying this control not only our work cut out thoughts and imagination other words we can't just say you dirty rotten scoundrel we ate our minds we have to eradicate even those thoughts and imaginations let us be what kinds courteous in our words and deportment so we had just asked to be trying to Ephesians chapter four is a great chapter on that means ineffective communication tools all labels you're always like your mother no younger always like your grandmother you know you we like to put these labels on people Europe take your slot nozzle labels commands you better do this because that doesn't give them the freedom of choice accusations so I know what you been doing you've been sneaking around behind my back and and calling calling your ex go for what you don't know if that's true that's an accusation we need to be careful of so those things we need to avoid instead of the messages some biblical principles number one forgive the offender on if you like to forgive you afterwards write during that join the time it takes a lot of swallowing of pride then speak the truth in love that means we must speak the truth but speak it unless and we need to speak edifying words on the woods I'm sorry you get on the site the woods I'm sorry and I forgive your some of the most healing words in a relationship can examine it's just brings up a couple together when we speak the truth in love it's it's a special thing that takes place and see if I trust you enough to tell you what I really think right they found that when people don't trust each other that's when there's no conflict because the lack of trust means that we pretend that they're on duty issues if XE the trust relationship that enables us to deal with the conflict I know one couple that when ever the husband makes a mistake it's kind of broadcast around the house you will never believe what he did he did this and he did that and it's like a song of victory but you can imagine that in that household no one wants to admit that the rock and so we need to be willing to tell the truth but to tell the love and to speak it a fine woods what's another word for it I find Helena encouraging words with inevitable that the other person and make them more like Jesus we also need to repay evil with good so when that when someone does something against us talk around and do something good to them is that what Jesus would've done absolutely and that's what we need to do in return so Cheryl for quick biblical principles and night I think that will help us to stick to the issue but keep using your listening skills under the quickly cover something outside you guys have on you I know I have a practice at six o'clock assuming is that at six oh five it's at six o'clock when I got to go to six not a preacher week ago forever but out of any wrap up the section and my wife has a great section so let me many quickly skip through this one man I like waffles and woman I like spaghetti how do I why is this why men like waffles because men operate income apartments and boxes right you know a lot has little boxes little squares and salamanders in his work box of a man's in his home blocks cemented his play box he has these boxes woman are like spaghetti and if you are try to follow piece of spaghetti to the end he gets halfway through touches everything else your life starts telling you about Jane and you listening about Jane and how she's had a problem at the Bible study at Minnesota talking about Mary at the Bible study an individual cannot marry at the Bible study they remember Mary's son is autistic and then I get on to autism and yes I went hauled on yet what were we talking about to begin with it's because woman's brains are interconnected and so everything in their lives is connected to other things does that make sense as so as you deal with conflict and communication recognize that man and woman are different so yes my quick summary the most common cause of conflict is selfishness most conflict can be avoided by what effective caring communication on which is the most important skill in conflict management listening at taking responsibility for your own feelings and attitudes so thank you folks know my wife's got to come up and share you want this this microphone that will all right our way married man the wonderful I like how you know this guy has such a great sinner I just just want to spend more time with him and now they go was the end of that I know you talked about word pictures of biblical communication tool the Bible is packed with word pictures and all of you are familiar with them but maybe we should discover first what the word picture is an emotional word picture is a communication tool that uses a story or objects to activate simultaneously the emotions and intellect of a person in so doing it causes the person to experience our word not just to hear them that's from the language of love by Gary Smalley and John Trent that's a great book that explains word pictures how to make them how to use them to communicate what we're doing is it's really briefly but a lot of depth I'm sharing here you can get from the same book anyway and that the language of love and explain for example you remember the story about King David and Bathsheba God could have used all manner of ways to reach David part but what you do how did God reach David he sent a prophet with a word picture of the prophet came to me and said David you have then you need to repent or God if you punish you and then admire that off with his head that happens but Nathan instead came to David and he went his defensive barriers and spoke to his heart he told about what shepherds what would reach David part better than a shepherd and the sheep in us it is made with started telling the story I'm sure David started thinking of how there was that she'd all man I love that she be very gotten in mind the sheep that you love that little land that he raised and then it may be goes to the story he really brings on David's wrath and then when David says that guy deserves to die then he said you are the one you see got his defensive barriers and reached his heart and forward pictures do a word picture can be book length like Pilgrims progress the story of Christianized way from the city of destruction did that promised land I guess that celestial fitting that the book length work picture but a word picture can be very short the Lord is my shepherd I shall not want the Bible is packed with word pictures about God as our rock quarter winners for the word picture names for God is our fortress our refuge she is gone when the Bible is full of these God is pictured in so many ways to help us understand who he is in the Lamb right the word pictures they can be long they can be short but a word picture will help you to get across the family and I've seen it happen over and over with people who have gone in these cycles you know he always says this and then she always says that thanks they will have you ever thought of using a word picture to explain what you're feeling Monday I was talking with one of my friends who she said I just can't be my husband does not understand I hate I hate that he wants to decorate everything everything in yellow I can't stand yellow he doesn't get it and I said the thought of sharing word picture with that we talked about it for a little while together and she she tried talking with elaborate picture that she said no honey and unlike you come home and you know you get home from work and you find I am miserably they went thronging and I say what you should know and use that what do they do can I do something to help doing you going to get you fixed me a fabulous meal and you bring it to me and I say it but that's not what I want these they weren't working I do what you are doing at you you rub my feet and you turn the heat up on the house we rented a hot bath than you doing everything you can think of to help me but there's one thing that you're not getting enough the one thing that I need and then using what can I do what and what is it that that your longing for his benefit if I'm thirsty and you not bringing me a drink of water and then he said well what am I doing that that's not giving you the one thing that you long for she said I can't stand yellow they got going to never ever month said not had not gotten through to him but one word picture hanging the lights came on they didn't decorate anything else in yellow sometimes a word picture get past the barriers were a person just doesn't understand what you're talking about and all that is in fact I talked with Alan about this one time I I told him about all played on their feet Jesus used word pictures more than any other single communication tool in his parables parables are all word pictures the good Samaritan all they think they were stories that would come back to the person 's mind and as they watch the sheep grazing on the hill where they watch the waves lapping along with me yeah that's like what Jesus was talking about and most of what we have recorded in the Gospels Jesus Thurman and word pictures that we do that with all the event or that with all the disciples remembered in the point of word pictures stick with you and they continue making a difference vinyl uses them on nearly every page studies show the one we hear a word picture our brains work after and expend more energy than while reading or listening to conventional word is like driving into a thick fog which suddenly makes you concentrate intently on your surroundings that is a word picture you concentrate on your surroundings because you're in a thick fog now I find while you I got a lemon up here here's my phantom lemon and I've got a phantom knife to cut it with them I'm now putting my lemon and I take my half a lemon ice weave into my mounts on your salivating that they were within well now was the lemon and/or small how many of you had a big lemon their big lemon in my hands gently raise your hand if you had a big lemon in my hands on he had a small lemon in my hands RI I won't have to get women with yellow and when it went when I started telling you about this phantom lemon to which you had no emotional connection you suddenly imagined it and Ms. Vicky Woodward pictures when you get somebody listen to your word picture their imagination is already going though if you're telling them imagine you walk into your dream house you don't have to describe your dream house they're walking into their dream house and they have more of an emotional connection to their dream house with a view to your dream house that you say and then somebody comes in fourth block all over the floor of your dream house they feel it I much more than that with your dream house made all man her pinkie with a word picture you engage in their emotions their intellect and they follow you on what's most important to them how they work here's proof the year before the film Bambi was released dear hunting with a nine five million dollar business but the following dear Stephen Hunter spent only four one million on tag permit than hunting trip now some of that my because they had children who were going have that I might even be sure that that wasn't all because all of these guys that make them more maybe you are going through maybe what that went for them they they knew intellectually mine in the movie it doesn't really happen that way but when they watched it hit them in the heart and they just couldn't bear to go out there and killed here anymore not everybody obviously but certainly quite a few after a few hours the average person will remember only seven percent of her half-hour speech that very discouraging in that now have been more than half an hour yelling at her never three percent of what I say right until puberty children experience change primarily through direct instruction however for adolescents and adults life changes occur mainly through significant emotional event like a death or marriage when you look back at your life what a been a significant event that meant turning point in your life chances are they were going to be emotional event maybe your baptism a marriage graduation rate things that things that happened that had a significant emotional impact of the things that change your life forever because they activate emotions work pictures can lead to positive change when your emotions are involved it makes you willing to a change word pictures capture a person 's attention by simultaneously appealing to thought and feeling creating a theater of the mind one of the thoughts and feelings you remember what on my talks about what what is the big character made up your thoughts and your feelings together make up your moral character and that's why when the sermon is preached it may not make a lot of impact on you but what about if there's a story in the middle of it how many of you remember the day we were there when Dwight Nelson started at ninety eight eBay watch that they might buy satellite rain and do remember the story that he used to close if you heard it you probably what it was a story about a woman who was driving her car she was terrified because this tracker was driving on your nodding you remember the story okay yet the word picture the woman was driving along terrified because the trucker was barreling up right onto her bumper had it right like mine she can get away friend she drove fast she drove low he would not leave her alone until finally she can shop the freeway at the last possible minute off the exit and the man still followed her she went straight to the gas station jumped out of her car and ran screaming into the gas station and the man jumped out of his truck and ran to her car and jerked open the back door of the car and pulled out the guy that he had been hiding behind her seat with a knife all that time she had thought he is the bad guy the trucker but he was the one who was saving her life that was a powerful word picture illustrating that some people think God is the one to be afraid of but instead he'd want to be a friend of and that God is our best friend an excellent word picture and it sticks with you though word pictures enable us to clarify and intensify what we want to say using fewer words and making more impacts word pictures last but not least bypass defensive barriers and reach heart now he will make a word picture for somebody you know not all of us are married but I'm sure you have people that you sometimes want to communicate with maybe maybe if the parents may be at the brother or sister or child or a roommate or just a friend is going through difficult times sometimes you just have to figure out what is it that you want to do on one time I remember I told Alan that I word picture about I just wanted to let them know how I felt when I said every morning I feel like I get up on sleeping on the beach of this river and make it happen I wade into the water as hard as I can all day long and when I crawl out of the river at the end of the day it I'm lucky I love up three in a few feet and even if I am lucky enough to inform up stream a few feet giving higher up the beach so what because tomorrow I may get back and I'm probably to be swept twenty feet downstream that there is all the housework to do and how could never clean the children never disobedient are never obedient and yet I spent all day trying to get the house clean and get the children to be obedient it never happens I'm always struggling upstream and what's the use if I just let the whole place become a disaster it won't look any worse than it looks likely that that's not true of course blaming it in a day but it so I felt any understand one site shared with him how I felt my purpose is not word picture was just to clarify how I felt it wasn't to accomplish something it wasn't to get them to clean the house for me it was just that I needed to share with and I felt it he went and lived a deeper level of intimacy I talked with a friend recently who is really struggling to get past the barrier with her mother so we put together word picture that she could write a letter to her mother helped her mother to understand how she was feeling and moving to a deeper level of intimacy with her mother praise or encourage someone sometimes you may do everything you can to help this person understand how much they mean to you but they are just indigo now everybody says that didn't do that well enough sometimes a word picture can get through to a person or lovingly correct them I never had a student who was just kids I was running a cult order program this girl was a brilliant salesperson then she was dynamic she had all kinds of things going for her but she was such a complete dinner she was very independence and she venues to running her life until she recently come to Christ and the leaders are talking about it we get it do we ever hear her talking on the phone with her parents she's she's miserable she did the other students anyone worked with her I sat down for one day and I said going to tell you a story she had been a jockey racing versus before I sent you not want you to imagine that there's a horse in a corral and the horses just wandering along the fence all the time beginning only have to get out one day he had been big break as a hole in the fence he jumped out he's able to run wild and free just like he always wanted to know he can run as long as he wanted mane and tail are flying you are happy finally free he starts discovering entities out there and free at the water increases sometimes muddy and discussing the drink he can always find good food there Wolf that hear the chasing after run print life and sometimes their holes in the ground and molehills that you can't see until you step on them and just wanting a break like it went on like that back when he was in the corral he was safe there although it wasn't always happy because he wanted to be free but at least he was safe then one day he comes upon the same corral and there's still a hole in the fence he thinks she can do it share not in yet he makes his decision he jumped back to the wholeness Anthony's back in the corral with owners are overjoyed they repair the fence he had the best of seeking eBay brushes coats yes fresh water no wolf again at night it's wonderful he's just impaired I finally but one day he starts with him thinking about what it was like to have the wins there is main and tail and flying along that felt good they starts just getting a little disqualified thinking out only and somehow the memories of all the bad things out there start to fade said that story that I thought maybe you can relate to what you think she said I get it you're right you won't happen again and that was that we never had one more complaint from the girl her attitude turned around she knew exactly where she was going and it was it was amazing to see the difference now not I expect that will happen every time you share word picture with somebody but in a few amazing just to see what the Lord can do in a person 's life and if you want to bring a person to a decision for Christ the best sermon very often and with the right stomping we pay attention so much better you know how it is what everybody's been there in a sermon at getting hot in the church and then the pastor said I remember when I was a kid never because the excellent picture now you want to write a word picture that can really reach a heart carefully studied the other person 's interests Nathan studied David interests you but the Shepherd and I talk to my students I talked about were strafing because that was something that she loves their passion for horses when you when you write something if you know some people that they really just have a hard time being creative like how can I write a word picture either the four inexhaustible wealth of word pictures nature everyday objects imaginary stories and remember when if you just think about these things EF you can't think of something in my appeal for the first event K what are some of his favorite things he likes to watch football maybe it's on the word picture about a TV and one day you're watching your favorite program and all of a sudden the TV blows up in your right in the middle of the five minutes from the end of football game that's how I feel when you know reach the person 's heart sometimes nature existing a great way that you can find something like that the river illustration I gave you how I felt crawling into the river every day remember when is when you're it he knows something you and have been through with someone else an imaginary story sometimes the easiest to theft my daughter rehearse your story that's the next thing when you're going to tell a personal story don't just pick something off the top of your head and they all okay you know why sometimes I feel I the story in the book I'm telling you about the language of love where they started the seminar and told the that group all about this word pictures and how great it was to use word picture and she got all excited that night she came home and her husband with watching football and so she said that I'm so sick of this he wouldn't go to the marriage seminar with me anyway and now I'm getting have let them have it is over to the TV when he had turned off stand and private and she said you know how I feel when I feel like your dumb football game I feel like a crown of thing on the table and then you definitely put off onto the floor and that's not bad enough the dog on the one you like that about that and needed not burst into tears and followed her feet sobbing about how he definitely wanted forgiveness he said I think that Saddam would appeal not turn on the DBA get out of my way I currently not necessarily what he could relate to what would be interested in football it may lead that complicated though you rehearse your story pick a convenient time without distraction which she did not and then it doesn't work try and try again don't give up just because maybe a person doesn't get it has even been patient with a so much and the Lord wants us to be able to be patient with one another word pictures are something I've found has really enhanced our marriage in our communication I can't tell you how often we use an economist has become a natural thing honey I need to understand okay let me figure this is what I'm feeling and it works to get through I really encourage you to practice this if you feel like wow that's something I've never tried maybe you should go out and buy the book but whatever you do the Lords is the author of all communication and he had a great longing into the I have tried to have quality relationships with one another love one another as I have loved you in the Lord that so much into communicating his love for each other for I he wants us to communicate our loved one another the sound of it I think for the sake of time are what we can abuse is closed now and if you have a question you cannot hand it at all you can e-mail us out e-mail is simply our manic two eight oh eight and IEC two yahoo .com and were on the road I guess he might not get an answer the next week but if you eat even if he wants because right after this will sequence in a few minutes every for the sake of the general group here I think we discovered cause right now and we thank you for your patience and your time father God we want to thank you that you have told us what it is to love we have seen its in the life of Jesus we had seen it in the sacrifice of Jesus and Lord we pray that as we deal with us that you will help us to reach out with that same caring compassionate sacrificial love we ask this in Jesus name amen

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