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Letting God Be the Author of Your Love Story

Nicole Parker

Presenter

Nicole Parker

Wife, mother, and Biblical counselor

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Conference

Recorded

  • September 20, 2008
    2:00 PM
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him witness what your spirit to sell every one of our hearts Lord we want to serve you we want you to be the center of our lives in my relationships to reflect I love you learn everyone else is here because we do have a heart hunger for love and you put it into our hearts I pray Lord that you will help us see how we can find satisfaction by your strengthened by your grace that premature work at your well in every life in every heart that represented here thank you Jesus are it will look to you don't tell my husband is from Africa and since I grew up in America the wheat we had never met each other until a year actually here in two days before we got married this is not something I recommend please notify the home but it probably led I even involved in ministry with pastoring over in Africa and I was living in New York and at the time I know I've been through a few odd couple relationship that really had thought dating when I was sixteen and I didn't start dating again until I was about twenty three men I dated a couple of guys and things just didn't work out each time the first time I think it's because I got into the relationship because well humanize God and I'm a nice girl and we both are consecrated to God you know why not we like each other I wouldn't recommend a good way to find the money to Mary and it didn't work out for there were a lot of reasons that things didn't work out well mandated another guy a really seen my God works miracles to bring us together and with a long-distance relationship everything was working for a great until we actually spent time in the same place at the same time and then we found out that we does really want to work out so that you know I think that the Lord gave me those experiences relative in his will for us to go through a lot of heartache in trouble I think he allows us to go to think sometimes that will be a blessing to other people and a blessing if I hadn't had longest relationship and then work out well I might not have known the dangers of a long-distance relationship and you know I might go around recommending everybody now many online relationships are great blah blah blah because most of our getting to know each other what long distance even in Africa and I was in America but the principle to share with you today apply linear relating to each other long distance or you know you got each other ever since you were given for next to each other whatever did you not I will encourage every one of you I know God has a plan for your love life he has a plan for how he wants to fulfill the desires in your heart you know we were told in the Bible but it is not good for man to be alone sometimes I've had people come seen it like I do feel so guilty I nourish and date for many but I like this girl and I might there is nothing wrong with liking somebody there's nothing wrong with having that that longing that attraction the problem is we have to keep it under control until the Lords held if the safe time to unfettered the thick time to pursue a relationship now when I say the Lord tells us I don't mean that you can hear a voice from heaven order or miracle or something like that but the guilty as were talking to this seminar they gone have been many many ways to speak to and he will speak at most of all in his word and help us to learn what his plan is for our I love stories every love story of unique just like every person is unique it is so beautiful to see what God does only surrender to him now we're living in an era when there's more live in their then anything in any previous time in history you know for one thing a lot of people get married multiple times though if fifty percent of marriages end in divorce that doesn't mean that fifty percent of you are going to get divorced some people have multiple marriages but there are a lot of weddings going on weddings are huge business in America and people do you know they dream of their wedding day a lot of that is because the culture and living with anything you think anything else glorifying that if you just find that one person out there who will love you and make you fat fight for all of your life thankfully happy and you are not the truth but were living in a time when you can click on Google and put in love and finds a million resources literally you can find so much about love about how to fall in love you can find somebody to date guarantee to find you got Internet access you can find the middle of and their more weddings and more more people falling in love than ever before and yet the loneliest time in history more people are devastated by loneliness more people are suicidal especially in our culture today and we've seen it in history it is just an epidemic of depression and loneliness and that is largely because marriage is seen as the solution to get our loneliness problem it's like if I just find somebody who will love me and it's true we need to find some way you will love us in order to fulfill but that love can come from any human that human love is not strong enough or pure enough or deep enough to Fatah by the craving of the hungry heart but Don has created in us that longing for love and he wants us to find the satisfaction and him first and when we find that satisfaction in Christ when he when he purchased our first you know you you you have that that first endlessly in southern you know come on guys let's be real if you're not dating somebody it's a lonely experience to be at Southern and walked past all the other people who are dating somebody are never that it makes you feel lonely even if you were fine until you came here all of a sudden you see everybody else is in love I feel right why not me him as a MS something wrong with the reality is in our culture we have a culture that makes us feel like and how you find revenue you never get any happy once you find something you love they'll be happy by the loud that God wants us he can drink drink deeply from and from above as the Bible says my people have forsaken me the fountain of living water and heated out for themselves broken system that can hold no water and easy with your friends people ordaining most of the time break up and then they had that their whole lives shattered probably almost everybody in the southern go through some relationship that falls apart directs the semester and even wreck their entire time here and I know a lot of people leave here with their hearts broken they feel like they have no future because they found love but then it fell apartment didn't bring them happiness they bring that Madonna is created in this longing for love peanut love is not known died for God is love first John four eight that longing to be loved is a God-given craving and God wants us to find the satisfaction of the fulfillment in his first leave him alone and once were not thirsty we can see what we really need have you ever gone shopping when you're hungry anybody around shopping an entry I made that mistake a couple weeks ago I came a little just that I didn't need an and the reason why they look so good because I was already hungry and so we let Christ that fire hunger were not ready to go out shopping for somebody else but love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired according to Robert Frost and the one who irresistibly desired everyone in our heart I'm happy to say already love you he's already right there with you he are anyone who wants to satisfy every longing in your heart they are not hungry or not thirsty anymore now in today's culture we see a lot more of love evil twin I call it love evil twin at what you will see if you watch almost any movie and talking about infatuation and Ed characterized in this cartoon may have fallen in love at first sight and each of them had pictured in their mind exactly what love means she has had everlasting gushing affections as he brings her flowers and can't fall down on one knee before her and he is thrilled to know that now he finally found by many who will bring him food for the other have to get up and go get it while he is watching TV you know what the problem with this is Academy of infatuation in it's all about me you know she wants somebody I currently he wantonly I his name but where where is the fact by the other person parts easy to empty people are not in a Philly tether up bring up the juice live or lust a bit about getting somebody who will ratify me or is it about finding somebody who I can share God 's love with only have that fountain of living water flowing into bubbling up pouring out to give to others we just can't help pouring love on those around us and that much of the found but it certainly includes the spouse it certainly includes your family and you can practice pouring love on your parents on your brothers and sisters on your friends but somewhere along the way when it comes to relationships we have to choose we come to know why the roads which where we can follow which where we could choose to pursue I found now the way that most people take in the world starts out with a track I fear your father now that he got a class and you see you when you walk into class the first time you look around but the killing but what clear what Flippin S I made you pick out five in another an acute organizer going through the cafeteria or spending your time everywhere you go you start noticing an interesting when I went to you I remember I was a guy that was crazy about and then you talking crazy about a relative term there were probably like five other guys around I live in crazy about to if I thought even my like me but then I started to like me and he was popular and he with you and you look totally at the top of the end crowd and then one night he invited me to go out and go hang out with and then one thing led to another and we ended up camping and nine finally arrived on Jeff's girlfriend method too bad we didn't do this sooner you write one where were really stupid apparently he's like yeah admitted getting here tomorrow and out of the committee it was like yeah that's the girl he really likes him allow it really is me because I would like you don't know what I really like him that much of course I thought it would be just sent it to be his girlfriend but now that he wasn't really interested in the problem there's been many about thereto I I really have a hard time remembering what kind of mindset I had back then it was though different metallic the same summer that my lifeguarding teacher that count me in clinical if you keep back and we were right now you not to be a virgin much longer and I was blown away and she know I was a virgin and be teaching them something that can happen because I was committed by one effect before marriage now I was getting it right but she was right and away I was really oh five four hey Shannon all that Eric talked to my life type friends that are the methods of the with another friend who is always sitting on guidelines and raising her arms around him and all that like it's so disgusting she's such a word I hate for and he laughed they will face even value awards for their Nicole and I might be in a job opening to meet with you but he was I didn't drink my arms around five but I did anything wrong with putting on Wednesday printing across campus because guys like the thing that Ryan and if you know my guy friends came up and said he will of course I get a hug has been filled night thrashing with or without but it was the mindset that leads to impulsiveness once you are you attracted to somebody and then you find no wow he like me I like him you know you start learning with each other you do that little delicate play of I think when he tried and sure enough she giggled in LA and then you follow your impulses and farewell I feel like doing them think he wanted to laugh my sure why not a prayerful careful process it is impulsive I feel like doing that what's wrong with it how come I can't have any fun you know where willing to go to church on Friday night were willing to you now consecrate our Friday night to God but don't ask me to give up my Saturday night to God to write lengthy history of my thumb if it is too harsh right those are whole goal is to set fire felt in the typical Western culture way of finding out that we get infatuated we find that we were attracted to they like that we like them so they will start gaining Philly test drive this commitment yeah I like him you like me were dating my boyfriend will have felt great but most of the time you have for every person who actually marry the person that they are dating there how many breakouts enough most of the time and ended breakup breakups are not pretty there does not find the outline of the many people who lived lives are shattered by breakup and then of course when where and how much pain when one finds a meal to help us build better I'm in reference to immediately when he had the breakup coming on the horizon with start texting another girl and or lots of growth in him he could be had like five that were drooling on his trail that whenever this relationship anything to be working out he'd start taking all of his other friends just make sure he had seventy of the fact that the cushion for me when things fell apart the bottom line is it's really all about self and as a result alliance partners chosen based on what they look like or who was closest to the rounds and I don't have somebody you're the best person around then back to update and their commitment is based on I feel like being with you you make me feel so much better I don't know how I would survive if we broke up if not based on a choice what happens when you get married community value I married the best man in the entire world for me I adore him I'm so in love with him but sometimes commitment is based on choice and not unfeeling I am not married him because I feel like being married to him sometimes I feel like being married to him sometimes he ever make me feel so great I feel like going for a walk but I don't committed to him and you want to have a relationship is based on whether you feel good because it'll always be inherently unstable and there are three possible outcomes you may have a happily ever after even if you pursue the wrong trail if you are lost in the woods and you just randomly wander straight in their campsite that happens and no play Abimelech the Lord has guided even though they pursuit of faulty method of finding out Amanda finding somebody the Lord works miracles and having a happy marriage I think I can do that with almost any two people who are truly surrendered to him but it's a rocky rent road and I don't recommend it on the much more likely options are they have a breakup that made very painful because of their bonding that build this relationship with each other and they don't know how to go on without each other or they have a life commitment that built on faulty foundation of their marriage is forever not what it could've been if they had let God be in charge at the very beginning is not what you want to go through I believe that God has a much better plan for a something that he truly wants to do in every one of your live has a plan it's not like God is sitting up there saying wow you know if you really want to make your life work out well then write about it and I'll get back to you have a plan for your life he has a plan where he sank I will give her the desires of our hearts I will give him the desires of his heart either what your longing for is a person that you may be like right now if there someone that you already think more maybe this is the right one either God wants a meeting together with that person or you want to meet you together with somebody better or he has another plan that is better than anything you can imagine when we surrender our lives to God he always gives us either the desires of our heart or something better and when we get to heaven will be a look back and see wow his way really was the best for some people that anything less than a promise even if you surrender your love life to God he is committed to get married I came to the point my own love life where I felt like you know I probably never find anybody but that's actually okay because I have gotten if Jesus and me and you know I can throw my him I think and I get back to the car and keep going at all I haven't seen this is wonderful and God will give everyone a lesson experience bridging the sending off when not hungry when I thirst anymore and then he will give on top of that he wants to give us blessing above and beyond anything we can imagine now in the process that I've discovered for how God leads us together with a life partner I may share with you the ideal of what God wants to do in your life and how it can work the first step in becoming whole in Christ getting rid of that hunger and thirst not my thing I'm not hungry I need to get married on that in my friend and I had the whole content thing where we are in Uttarakhand and together I was I was can be an old maid with my friends and I was at me she was happy and we had another friend Bertie Denver are fake old lady named where getting it all together or to die eating spaghetti without any off I don't remember why but that without what the value type in the fun and being able to get by I can handle it out God 's highest plan for you is not that you just pretend like it there now I can't feel that I'm not lonely I'm not to think about it if they can't want to fill you helpful that you're not thirsty for you focus on your relationship with God everybody knows the three steps in building a relationship with God right you pray and study your Bible and new witness to others those brief that when you do them even if you don't feel like it it will create a relationship with God as you consistently pursue any time with him draw close to him give him your heart surrender to him all you want is a willing heart it's not that hard to build a relationship with God and want to build that relationship with God even though it seemed like that relationship with somebody else is an unreachable dream God will bring you into something you could never imagine him much more beautiful you prepare for your life calling you know when you're married it's really not the best time to be going through school all can be raising children and and all of that epic meantime that you're trying to know that with your marriage and still I'm not hurt when I was a student just thinking man I got a wedding coming up to get married I think what it would be nice but not me I'll go back to my dark lonely bedroom whether on honeymoon and they will enjoy their life anyway but I have to know and I get get back to reality but now that I look back at my student life and the time I had when I was single I feel a tremendous experience it was to be single I know many adventures I travel over the world mission trip called order program I will work it was a blast I can do so many fun things I made so many solid quality friendship friendlier with me now and I'm still close to after seventy years because in that single time I can focus on building friendships with other people you know I know people who've gone through Academy all the way through four years of high school dating one person and then a breakup then I find from the opening date that personally through college and then they break up to you what they don't know anybody else from the college or high school that well because they think so thankful for this one person they didn't get to know anybody else everybody of the content box that some of those boyfriends both of girlfriend you know and they come out of it without solid friendship in your solid friendship network single life is a glorious time for you to just experience Bollinger not to be able to do when you're married marriage on Sundays you know what I was like nineteen and I thought people unite your people getting married in their twenty seven or twenty eight man I hope I don't have to wait that long but when I got married at twenty seven I realize wow you know I'm so glad I didn't get married any thinner number one because I had some a rich full experiences because I went to my life instead of living my life just waiting in the corner for my prince to come and secondly because single time prepared me for who I needed to be for my husband if we had met each other to or three years before we both probably do run the other way we just weren't right for each other that point the gone and adversely change that they didn't know we needed to be he gave us ministry experience of life experiences that when we met each other we collect and I know how to describe Arabic IPO how you know when you meet the one I didn't need anybody to tell me when I met the one but it was it was the process of figuring out I did this like the walking on the street below that's the one but the more I got to know if his personality of his character how much like Jesus he was my father is the guy we just like a hand and a glass I don't know how else to describe it but I knew that God was leading us together I'll share more about that later but preparing for your life calling it such a crucial thing during your single finds a way that will be nearby to get married print pleased God to need some money don't let me be an old man in your life as an prepare yourself get into ministry opportunities do things you won't be able to do later on experiment finds what God wants to do with your life and then you be able to see that your life partners calling meshes with your life calling overcome your weaknesses and develop your strength the big one for me and I I come from a background where I wasn't ready to have healthy relationships and brown and it was the thing we had to very unhealthy background behind us for our family of the divorces and all kinds of things going on in our lives abuse for me we needed time to develop into who God wanted us to be so as hi when we were single and when we were dating other people we uncovered all the weaknesses that something needed to be dealt with so we read that book we developed friendships with quality people we met mentors we had people spent time with us to help the theme for a healthy marriage I feel like how people can communicate and deal with conflict without wrecking relationships those times were priceless they were so useful to us in building a marriage that once we met each other you know we can't plan while the first years in a really rocky now we come from different continents with hardening of the time ran each other with immunogenic favorite food but the first year of marriage with the taste of heaven it was wonderful we kept waiting for the big conflicts to come but because we've spent a thorough time and developing into who we were to be we didn't have that rock he went that you are but that threatened to IM we become who we wanted to be in a you think about it he worked two years ago two years from now here to be really different from who you are now now is the time to develop into who you need to be that when you meet your spouse you are not a completely different person two years later and they aren't either and I mentioned this already but build quality same-sex friendships and nonexclusive opposite sex friendship I have a lot of friends who were guys who I knew before I met Alan and I'm so glad that I still have those friendships if I had dated this guy from them I can't like the family like me but we didn't see the Lord leading us together so we kept it that way we stayed just friends and that the book on a right many days working on it but haven't gotten there yet but we are just friends the single Christian guide to saving and favoring opposite sex friendship I'll summarize it like this don't let yourself try to halfway date when you nominated the person don't think the person and don't pretend like you're about that either you're just like brother and sister when you're not that you're not him I felt really glad you said and I still have friendships because I don't look at those guys based in the nearby canal had and we weren't were different and were still just friends that's a great feeling keys to success in step one imagining that a lot of you are in step one right now where you're not dating anybody exclusively but you're trying to find out what God 's will is for you may Christ the center of your life plan your life around Christ not a person I've known people they may meet somebody they think wow he's just what I dreamed of she's all that I ever wanted and suddenly they want to do whatever the other person is doing she can be a nurse wanted to be a doctor it is rather than planning their life around what God is calling them to do they plan her life around it on and marry someone fell I need to aim in that direction right develop skills to support a family you want to be able to support yourself just in case you know you never know what happened but it's not a good idea to start a family when you're camping your parents backyard that way you avoid emotional involvement with the opposite sex by that I do not mean return like they do not exist I mean don't get emotionally entangled with people you know the long drawnout heart-to-heart talk with them it's the opposite sex with you could have with somebody of your same sex but it's not nearly as formally exciting to talk to somebody who's your same sex no mother Gail L Rector life is there I summarize it for you don't blame me when you mentioned that the developed self-discipline you know I've wondered sometimes one God create people so that they mature sexually at like thirteen fourteen when they're not ready to get married then but the reason I believe is that God wants us to learn to have self-control and self-discipline sex is not all about yourself in this world it is in marriage it's not effective I live in expression of love and about a relationship is not about getting some self-satisfied pleasure out of it and so if you develop self-discipline is something that will be priceless to you for the rest of your life you can never have too much self-discipline evaluate your and character by character I meant to type they develop your own personality and evaluate your own character into two different things my character I mean how much are you like Jesus if you recognize in your life you not got a problem with my temper now I really do have a problem with getting jealous of other people I tend to gossip work on your character and ways that you're not like Jesus and Sarandon is Jesus talking about them that you build a relationship with my depending on anything caught I need you to get me through this talent that he means me and I realized I need to be like you and I'm not sure how to do that please change my heart change me into your image that that's how you knew evaluate your character be changed into the image of Christ you need that before you get married and then develop your own personality and who you want to be and who you are and I don't mean that you you know you just take a personality test that they are right I am the melancholy I can never be anything else rallies change here I am sitting in front of you you don't know elegant that my personality this is a daunting call you to do things that you don't feel comfortable doing and the key is you need to give yourself to Jesus and say how do you want to change me that I can reflect your character to the world most effectively and show you I guarantee Donovan the business of showing you what parts of you need to be ground off and changed and lastly surrender you can never surrender too much happily ever after what marriage really make you happy researchers tracked more than twenty four thousand people from nineteen eighty four to nineteen ninety five asking participants every year to rate their overall life satisfaction from Vero totally you are totally happy the average visitor marriage with small one tenth of one on the scale people who get married and they married are more satisfied than average long before the marriage has occurred with their conclusion the Journal of personality and social psychology March of two thousand three the bottom line in this tiny one that people who started out happy before they got married experience a little blip of extra happy around the time they got married and then they fade right about where they were before they got married people who are fundamentally unhappy experience a little blip of happiness when they got married and went back to being just about where they were before it just doesn't really change for you are you know I grew up with this Cinderella like fantasy enough now life is hard think of the rat wanted Sunday I'll get married and then you know something about walking a mile in a fluffy white dresses in a transform everything in life going to be happy I'm on sorry but you still keep waking up with morning breath after you get married until God calls intermarriage he called you to focus on becoming whole in him your security identity and heart must be bound up in your friendship with him and without that I promise you marriage will not bring you happiness it cannot because God has created you with a hunger for him and only he can fill that God shaped hole in your heart until you let God fill that God shaped hole in your heart you can have to keep on letting you run into unpleasant circumstances in order to send you crying back to him and if you don't come crying back to him then you have to say something else because nothing is going to satisfy you until you get Christ at the center of your life and if there's another person at the center of your life it's going to be miserable we'll talk about that later presentation about making keeping your relationship healthy and you can be the future to cut their both empty and this is what I've been in some Rafe on FF and E people crave company to fill them but the more you crave a relationship unless Randy you are for it it's only when you have Christ filling youth overflowing with that ring of water of life coming up from inside of you that you're really ready to fill yourself and pour out love that spilled over into the life of your spouse to now nothing that can prompt the second step in the process of mate selection after becoming holy Christ is observing and probably a lot of you are kind of in this step to your here watching other people let you know maybe getting to know people and thank night hopefully and not just evaluating them on a scale one to ten on attractiveness to see what people are actually like us people when you get to know people in a variety of circumstances you get to know a lot more about who they really are when I were dating and when I went to Africa and you are you and him and we went camping trip at three day camping canoeing hiking outing with a haulage of people than excited when they went out alone or in people with is that we all went camping well my wonderful night in shining armor I'd been dating for four months by now all long distance and where we're going out camping I packed on food so carefully and I planned all of our meals though carefully I bought a whole bunch of little potatoes for that I can wrap them in tinfoil and cut them into the fire when they are out camping we can have baked potatoes but never baked potatoes in a fire but I think anything by little ones then they'll bake faster right the love yet they collated in a light in my crunchy potato in the middle to disappoint my fantastic friend who might become my husband right now we packed all of our potatoes in our backpacks and we get to the campsite the first night and I hear roaring about how starving kids they built a big fire though I wrapped my potatoes in olive oil IPO carefully remembered to bring and check them all into the fire because I know your debate between a cold but it will be funded by Molly put all the potatoes into roaring fire as he and about twenty minutes later I thought we should check both the thing happened to me so I scraped one little potato out of the fire I thought who the people electoral black Fahrenheit rolled off the tinfoil hat is a thyroid the fire of a fast mouth they were all very well cooked the day so much so you could've made potato soup out of them and he will make disparaging remarks about my cooking to the day of the particular potato any that is and like I'm here to tell you make disparaging remarks about my potatoes that night in front of all the people and I experience the new roar out of the area say that I can cut he was the one who is now late about how hungry he was those of the little blip we actually we wouldn't have a major problem there but I certainly learned something about it I think you probably learn something about me there is a new build quality friendships with people and just wait for it finding out naturally about them and when you're when you're dating somebody or even when year very conscious of each other you know how it is when somebody that you like walks into the room and immediately your conscious of everything like when you see there's a police car in your rearview mirror all of a sudden your very conscious of everything in right well when you're very conscious of each other it sometimes are really yourself you try to be with the other person wants you to be the flatscreen not today him our other people without being in a dating relationship nuclear spending time together with other people in a group setting you get to know each other strengths and weaknesses they find out what they think is funny for example what kind of people they like to hang out with him at white people do they prefer but there are important things you want to know before you start a dating relationship with somebody to step up observing I wanted just make plane in the observing that you don't want to be cultivating anything this is not when you're getting a long look you know where that filing up to that person when you're on a group walk you know you walk slower and slower with that particular person as you talk about deep intimate topic commitment to step before that and it's a very important step please don't skip that they go straight from the I think my relationship with God is fine now now let me weep headfirst into this person I like it very important that you spend time observing evaluate their character how much of the first like Jesus and what you need to know before you start dating them because they are dating them I have any hard to break it off if you suddenly think that they're not that much like either that he thought they were and be if they're dating you there probably to be very careful what they show you of what their character really is right how many of you that their missing dating are right I am not lying and saying to evaluate their personality you don't make nothing wrong with having very different personalities only get to heaven for all you have different personalities the personalities God created us with the world you have one character the character of Jesus you can make anything work I think between different personalities if you both have the character of Jesus but sometimes you'll accomplish a lot more if your personalities naturally mention of the chatter other better know the person who's superclean if you have a very difficult life of the person who is super not clean and better than even either of them can get I have a lot more clashes in here personality elements well I know people who like the one partner would be happy to have the entire church over at their house every Saturday night for the other person there again happy Saturday night if the downturn of the fire with a good book about maybe a cat is not the by either one but the two have constant conflict because one of them has a longing that can't be fulfilled unless they trot tread on the other persons longing heart hard for you to want to build a relationship that that's with mutual personalities that mesh well not trifling with heart and something that were warned about and comment on page fifty seven said the traveling part of the crime of no small magnitude in the side of a holy God and yet some will show preference for young ladies and call out their affection and another way and forget all about the words been spoken and their effect on your face attract women they repeat the same words give it to another the same attention you want to be careful not to do that it wrecks lives Jesus expected that to our don't make a mental or emotional commitments don't trifle with a heart that means if you aren't sure that you want to pursue this relationship don't test people out don't flirt with them and see if they flirt back these they're interested you'll get a room we'll get a reputation but worse than that don't hurt people part and you want to wreck your friend lives evaluate character in valuing personality surrender pray for discernment and seek wise counsel I mentioned that because many times people think that you know and if the Lord has told me that every good person I should go forward I mean talk with friends who know them but be very careful when you talk with friends because friends have a habit of liking to go between homes hiking out so-and-so really know thinks you know what you think of men him that they are friends and please don't don't think counsel from friends they think are going to do that I believe that mercy on girls and don't than the five figure out whether this girl is like you have begotten do-it-yourself women the right time to think from your parents United and your parents not all of us are blessed with godly parents not all of our parents know the people that were interested in but parents can still be so helpful and more than anything even if you don't parent God will guide you and he will send you to other people who have wisdom and I encourage you not to go to the next step unless you do have wife's counsel Hayden makes waste immaturity characterized by the inability to wait I have before all the two -year-old and a one -year-old none of them are very good at waiting and you know what I've observed that commonly those who are immature don't want to wait for anything they wanted now yesterday microwave give me out tomorrow Internet me together the rest of your life it's okay to wait one more month before you at the person out right did get all your homework done for that you don't you don't risk wrecking their life or getting into a relationship it's very hard to get out of cabinets on page fifties that while pure love will pay God into all it plans will be in perfect harmony with the spirit of God passion will be headstrong rash unreasonable defiance of all restraint and will make the object of its choice I don't all of you have observed relationships like that haven't you I have I was in one and I remember just feeling like you know I knew it was a bad relationship I knew I get had to get out of it but I was powerless to break it off and so I just put it out of my mind I pretended like I didn't know that this was not a good relationship and then he finally broke up with me and I thought I would die I just didn't know how to survive but then here I am there was not a great thing that ever happened to me because I wouldn't have had the love of my life if I married that guy who really was not impressed with me well Amber true love is not strong fiery impetuous passion in contrast with every movie you've ever seen on the contrary it is indeed been of nature in the beyond mere external than is attracted by qualities alone it is wise and discriminating devotion is real and abiding address homepage fifty one if you have read the section add this home on courtship in love and marriage I would encourage everyone of you to read it is powerful it really helps to just give them good solid wisdom on how to make decisions about the anesthetist young people and mother but you want to avoid serious pitfall things like lifestyle issues that he was a person don't mash and lifestyle issues doesn't mean that either one of you is evil but you may have different convictions on things like music or clothing or how to keep that nothing can be CH when you're marrying somebody on doctrinal issues that have the same view and I don't mean just about madness sometimes there are lots of different versions of Adventists be sure that you believe the same integrity issues I dated someone who was messing around with somebody else while I was dating him and I had no clue it was devastating when I found out you want to go through that I know that this person is very much like Jesus before you start dating them lastly personality issues think that just will not jell nicely between the two of you get three bids when you are not just friends anymore you indicate your interest slowly in small ways obviously these are not just steps where you finish block a night you step into block B and then you step into block me sometimes we go back forth between here where you know you're kind of observing but you also don't really want to leap into a relationship so when you're interested in company at some point you can you don't just go from they have no clue that you like them to use it down to one and say I decided I'd like to marry you I mean there are people that do that and in all God bless them sometimes it even has worked but it's not what I recommend but that Mickey Ed before you start indicating your interest to somebody you need to feel confident that the Lord is calling you forward you need to feel confident that you know this person very thoroughly and that they are transformed into the image of Christ in many meaningful ways that they are not just now he really has a good heart I've heard that from the time that it was the lamest excuses for relationship I've ever heard but here all the time and generally about unhealthy relationship but she know she has a really good heart and she really does want to follow God you know she talking about spiritual things why when I bring it up to you indicate your interest slowly by many spending a lot more time with somebody you know when you go for a walk maybe sometimes you do end up walking a little more with each other than with everybody else in the group but being slow and cautious don't just leave and then make your verbal commitment cautiously if at all in the stage and speak brooding countable definitely when you're showing an interest in somebody you need to be sure that you're not making a mistake before you go all the way into making a commitment your keys to success in step three art don't let intimacy get ahead of commitments this is where the biggest mistake I ever see in relationship and always always leads to confusion and disaster when you're emotional or physical intimacy gets ahead of your commitments you have problems don't let commitment get ahead of knowledge the five I really really feel this is the right person for me what why I will you know if you at this impression I pray about it I really feel connected the right person for me get wise counsel surrender in this relationship to God in every way pray a lot if you're considering the money as a possible life partner Helen like that for a twice as much as you normally would and encircled an intimate year I just wanted to illustrate for you when you're getting closer to somebody you know I've had people who come to me and they try to talk to me in all the friendship with me and within our air pouring out their life story to me no they're generally not the most balanced people running well and I can qualify now then again relationship seminars when people write e-mails in which they pour out their guts I've never seen them before that's okay but I'm thing when you're making friends the company usually it takes a while before you start getting them into the details of your life and this is the progression a gradual progression that you should go through you don't immediately let somebody into your hearts you immediately start making out with family when you just met them and the hourly nation hopefully I you don't immediately let them into the intimate areas of your life either generally different time because when people pour out their hearts they usually correct trying to build bonds and get closer if you don't want to get really close and in person don't spend a lot of time talking about deep heart issues like your needs and your fears and your feeling for your longing questions to ask before you make a commitment somebody are in this person a lot like Geva is this person a lot like me spiritually socially intellectually habitually the way that they spend their time the way that the things that they like to do if they like camping and hiking and you like computers and reading the Psalm in getting up to go out of their comfort zone honey I'm not saying you can't like all of him but if you're if you're interested there vastly at the real problems for recording and dating when you start a committed relationship with somebody you want to be sure that you're making the right choice for you make a commitment don't do it and then think how man this really wasn't a good idea was that but too late now were already dating you continue getting to know this person what I like you know you gradually progressed through the layers of the party decided start gaining that doesn't mean that you automatically only been until then your entire life story time in time to get to know you did know each other on a lot of different levels before you pour out your gut why do I say that because you're still you know that the newer your relationship is the more likely you are breakup frankly the more likely you are to break up the more traumatic it's going to be you do if you poured yourself out so the more you share yourself or the person the more committed you are and the less likely you are going to be to break up and the more painful it can be if you do not know how else to explain that except that you just it's going to be very painful or very difficult or bowed to break up the one awake and be sure be confident that you really know what you're getting into their thing you don't talk with a person about we're not dating them like birth control you don't need to bring that up on your first date either but somewhere along the way in your committed relationship you wanted be sure that you're on the same page on things like that before you decide to get married to each other that's not something you talk about very beginning I don't want to save it till the day before your wedding either that you progress in your intimacy in talking about things and regulate your physical intimacy by counsel and conviction regress there are you slowly and emotionally for me but progress and more slowly in physical intimacy you can never go back when we've gone to a level physically it's tremendously difficult to go back in September not to do that anymore it can be done by God 's grace but it's very difficult your key to success in step four our be honest communicate get wise counsel further evaluate their character and personality and make haste lowly in emotional intimacy and physical surrender and pray this is not really to the deep and difficult to figure out cards I can share with you about our continents Alan and I made covenants when we were dating between the two of us you can read a little bit of that there that was just how we decided to regulate our physical intimacy but if you look at things like that on audio verse under other how we how we handled our covenant we had things in that more thoroughly weigh every commencement yes it will get without you're in a rebound later Rh what we will cover those later on another presentation the last that an engagement commitment to marriage and a lifetime of ministry together and a definite timeline toward marriage when you hit that point in your relationship make sure before you get engaged that you're solidly sure that you want to do that don't get engaged because of the thrill of the moment or something because you will regret that they put on followed continent commitments based on the knowledge of God yourself in the other person get premarital counseling be completely honest with each other and maintain your careful physical boundaries to keep the Lord of the center of everything well we're out of time and mother figure very quick break before I is saying no to racism I was really going to another soon also as needed thank you very much

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