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Logo of GYC 2016: When All Has Been Heard

1. Advising Love’s Beginning: Attraction & Dating

Sebastien Braxton Candis Braxton

Description

This first session is about dealing with struggles of attraction, interest, and liking someone. How do we manage attraction? What if I like someone who’s not good for me emotionally or spiritually? How do we lay a good foundation?

Conference

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  • December 29, 2016
    9:15 AM
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Copyright ©2016 Generation of Youth for Christ.

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This message was presented at the G Y C twenty sixteen conference call has been heard in Houston Texas for other resources like visit us online. If you get here. So first of all I want to say thank you guys for coming. Just real quick announcement you guys can press towards the middle because apparently a lot of people are trying to get in. And if there are some extra seats somewhere if you guys can just make sure you scoot towards the middle to make sure we maximize all the seats that would be great. Shows you if there's empty seats next to you. Towards this middle aisle. Moved towards that way everyone just make a shift. So we can maximize the seats here. They. Yeah OK well first of all just want to say thank you for coming. We're very humbled you here for a seminar. We are not by any means experts on the topic of relationships every relationship is different because every individual is unique and the coming together of two unique individuals is something that no one can really see what's going to come out of that and so our goal is really to accomplish two basic things in this seminar. It's to talk about every phase of a relationship in terms of beginning attraction that initial interest all the way doubts of parenting anniversaries and marriage and all that stuff because we have three in a kid on the way as well. So the other my wife is not saying. Leave. We also I just want to make sure I acknowledge. My wife actually had surgery eight days ago. While she was sixteen weeks pregnant. She had appendicitis and then that was it hearing to her fallopian tubes she was in a lot of pain on the final she had a hernia when they went in. And yet she is still here. So we can just give her a hand if you see me taking a little seat back you know why I'm not passing out we're not about to do a skit. I'm just saying what I need to see is exactly. So let's go and pray and get started. Father in heaven. We just want to thank you for the gift of life and we also want to thank you for the gift of love not just Divine Love but how that love can be expressed and represented in human relationships we pray Father that you would guide us through the presence of the Holy Spirit. As we discuss love's beginning as we look at the foundational pillars that we can set in how we approach this area of our lives. That is so intriguing that can be so passionate and bring a lot of energy and fervor to our lives but we want Jesus to be a part of that we want you to be the author of our story. And so we trust the word that your spirit will do just that as Candice and I offer ourselves to be your tools this morning is our prayer in Jesus' name amen. So first and foremost I am Sebastian Braxton for those who may not know. I serve as the C.E.O. for the new life challenge. It's a health tech company we do health apps I do several other things preaching. Nonprofit work in all that kind of stuff and I'm also a husband and a father of three kids my kids are not here. Otherwise you would see them running to the front of the room. And so my wife and I could actually have time to actually present and not be distracted. My wife actually is almost done with her master's in marriage or family therapy. So she's really the true expert right. I'm just providing the on the psychic. And she also went to Tufts University in Boston. Very smart very intelligent. But also very humble and very accessible. So this is the time that you got to start praising your wife so. I'm already beginning to see them in the middle of the desk here. So with that for this morning. We wanted to start and we call this in our advising loves beginning attraction in dating and my wife and I have a very unique story which we'll get to later on in the seminar but we wanted to at least begin. By addressing some foundational pieces. So the first thing is we need to define the terms that we're working with right we're talking about attraction in dating. We've got to make sure we're clear on what we are talking about and what we are discussing. Because we're not clear on that we may not be clear on what's being endorsed what's being encouraged what we should be worried about and what we should avoid So the first thing is what exactly is attraction and so when we look at attraction right there is this very basic concept as you see in this picture right of this magnetic this draw. Right. So when there is attraction that means that an individual is drawn to a nother individual that person just commands your attention they make you want to look at them and sometimes that comes for different reasons. On the tracks you can be based on a lot of different things but the very core principle of attraction is that you are drawn to a person's company you're drawn to interact with them. You're drawn to talk to them and if we don't put this in its proper place. This is one attraction can kind of get out of control. And so we look at the fact that attraction is kind of that first level and what Candace and I call the sensually this kind of love step where you go from attraction. Then you go to interest which means not going to attracted to a person I start having a conversation with them. I become interested in them right. And in that in that moment I'm curious. Right. I want to know more about you. I want to know. What you do what do you like what's your what's your religious experience. Where did you come from what are you trying to do what are your aspirations and in these particular elements we build upon these points. The third one is what we call life. Right. So you see that emotion there with the hearts and the audience right. So when we talk about liking. Right. Candice and I look at it and we say this is basically the whole concept of preference right. When you begin to know a lot about a person and you say you know what I prefer the company of this individual you like them right. This is not just attraction. This is not just interest. This is out of point where it's an issue of preference. Right. Can you say preference. That's very important that we distinguish that. Now obviously after that we go into the issue of love. So we build this little step ladder and I don't know baby if you want to talk about this a little bit or you good as an expert. OK OK So first of all you have a mission we meet a person we have attraction right. Then we go into the fact that we have interests. Right. And this is what we call a continuum. You have to recognise where you are on this continuum in your relationship with that person and we have to differentiate these and then you have liking a person in an obviously you and at the point of love which is very very critical. Now why is it that we have these steps. Just want to say that many times we use these terms interchangeably right. I like this person when really we mean we chatted or I'm interested but really you may be at the other end where you're like you really are in the dispersant. So we want to make sure that you get this is that the distinctions between the terms in that at least when we're speaking about them here that we know that they mean different things. Not just in get they mean different things and there's a different intensity and. Yeah. Meeting behind it and you know just a share of her. Story when I actually met my wife and you wife see in Minnesota two thousand and seven. In my mind that's when I met her. Apparently I met her before that just did a little before there was no liking in change such actually and I think it's so I remember seeing Reggie Y.C.. Remember. Alister we had found out that Allister had a medical condition. We were all praying for Imagine Y.C. and I was kneeling in prayer in the convention center after everyone had left and she was walking out of the convention at the same time with her best friend and her younger sister and I remember as they were walking we were walking towards each other because we're going opposite directions and I remember thinking when I saw her I say man she's really pretty. I need to avoid her you know at all costs. You know people come to you. I see you looking for spouses right. And at the time I wasn't interested in that I was all about Jesus coming soon. Right. I'm going to go to have been translated without marriage and so I ended up not trying to be rude and so I shook their hands and said hello and asked where they were from. And I remember going again from that time that I talked to my mother in law after we got married my mother in law said you know when Candace came back from Minnesota her and my in my sister in law they were talking in her like Oh there is This Guy Sebastian that under the ground. She said you know I looked at her and I said you're in love and you're infatuated. And she recognized the fact that my younger. My sister in law she said you're infatuated she looked at my wife and she said you're in love with my my wife of course she starts blushing and she says that's not true. But your mom says that was true. And in that sense I use that to talk about in that initial attraction right there's interest but nothing really started developing beyond our ministry relationship because I was moving to Boston to start a ministry. So when I found out she was from Boston. We immediately started connecting on what we were trying to do in the Boston area and so that was a blessing in. He was one of the main people to help us get stride started. Now there's four key takeaways that we want you to walk away from in this seminar. We want to be very intentional about. OK the first take a leaf. That we'd like for you to realize that attraction is little cool I know sometimes when we think about attraction especially is young people that are trying to do things. Christ way we kind of get a little uncomfortable when the word attraction comes in because because it's not really deemed as being something that's like holy you know but actually it is Biblical it's OK it's not it's not the thing itself but really it's how we handle it. It's what it can become not OK. And a big a big part of this especially for guys is that sometimes we don't want to be seen right when we're trying to be in ministry and maintain our spiritual giant image right on super holy and super pure so high sister only shake hands. You know all this kind of stuff and it's as if right a girl is going to contaminate if you write because she's pretty. But if she's ugly it's OK And in this sense right. I'm telling you the truth. Right. That's what they think he'll do you think the same thing too. Ladies. And in this sense right. You know sometimes I remember at my old church in Chicago when I was single and we had this huge group come in sing and afterwards we had a little social in the basement of the church and so I was mingling talking to different people and finally after I got through the whole crowd. I came to the side in the in the mothers of the church and my brother Sebastian you are good. I'm like I'm good. You talk to all those young ladies and it was the same period of time every young woman we were watching the scene when you talked to the long. Because you know that people in your church are always trying to look people up and not telling the truth or what about that brother what about that sister. Everybody wants to be a matchmaker right. So just start a website. But in this sense we want people. You know that it's OK to be attracted to a person. It's OK to be drawn to them and we want to give you terms so that you can name it and once you can name it and once you can define it. You can control it. You can acknowledge what's going on and you can say look I can take responsibility for what's happening and are able to think lucidly through my own emotions. I can look at a person I can say hey man I know you're feeling me know I'm attracted to you that doesn't actually mean I'm trying to be with you. Those are not the same thing. And so we want to acknowledge that as we're engaging in relationships and recognize that attraction is Biblical I don't feel sinful about looking at a beautiful woman or a handsome man and being drawn to that that's not a sinful reality. Now we'll talk a little bit later about some contingencies on that so managing attraction is managing a she actually responsibly is really what matters which takes us to our next point. That we want to take as all to remember and take away from this is that a way that we can manage the checks and or handle it responsibly is remember the attraction is not in the driver's seat. Many times and we have this emotion. We kind of allow it to take to take control or to take leadership in how we engage with the other person that we have this this affinity to. And that can lead us down some very not so nice growth. That's right. You know I have a lot more stories we can do so you get used to the fact that I made a lot more mistakes along the way but I remember being in college and there was this girl that came to my school from Spain. And of course I was at a secular university so you have you know interracial living was apartment building. And so this girl from Spain she was really really pretty and I remember right of course this is how we start playing tricks on our minds when we're not recognizing was going on. So she's like oh I'm in the business school my arm in the business school too. So we start talking. She's stressed out. So of course you know as a as a good. You know Seventh Day Adventist man right I should build a relationship to do eventually. Actually witness to this group and what better way to mean go desiring her good. So I decide to help her with her business paper and you know I helped her out and things went well and the next thing you know right. I said man you know I found out she's Catholic she's from Spain. That makes sense. So I said well you know it can't be thinking about anything beyond this unless she becomes a believer so next step is desire vengeance right got to drop these books off a sister. I hope you're blessed by these books and the Lord was protecting me from myself because of two days later I came back to my apartment and there was the desire of ages with a note inside and the note said no thanks a lot of other blood don't ever talk to me again. Now for the next three years she avoided me on campus and we lived in the same apartment building now in the end right as far as I was kind of super hurt like then more of my bad like. The Lord just gave me a little slap upside the head like what are you thinking. But at the same time I recognize that because I was praying and seeking God God was protecting me from myself. He knew what I was going to leave because I didn't have the control over recognizing Sebastian you're just attracted to her that doesn't mean anything. She don't know Jesus you know love Jesus and at the end of the day you know where this is going to end you're going to reach the cliff and there's no bridge to the other side. Just to give you another specific example when I was first becoming Christian S.T.A.. In Georgia. There was this young lady that before I was even a believer I had approached her after Paul political science class and I tried to get her phone number and I got her phone number but I never called her right and finally I called her right before I met a young lady who started witnessing to me and leading me to the Gospel. So months later go by. I'm reading the great controversy. I'm all into health and now I'm going keeping the Sabbath and this girl calls me back randomly. She's a case of Ashley you know you know you had called me I never got a chance to get you back and lovable blah. Oh great. Right. So here I am again in my mind you know metropolis of this girl we should bring her out to be adventurous big series. So we take her to be evangelistic series we go out to dinner afterwards and talk about the message and we're talking every single day. Right. And finally after about two weeks of this the girl says to me on the phone she says. Sebastian does everything we talk about have to be about God wall right that's called Reality Check. And there I was my little timid self because I had been outed. You just got dumped who was like no no. Everything doesn't have to be about God I start out I'm all baseball or something else but in the back of my mind I knew this is over you're out across Route. Either I'm going to cut this off and recognize that this girl is not interested in the things that I'm interested in that attraction is dangerous if we are not able to name it to find it and make sure we manage it properly. That's clearly a man. Which takes us to our next. Our next point here which is acknowledging your bias pretty much the reality check that Sebastian just mentioned kind of being honest with yourself and knowing. OK being honest with yourself and known OK yes I am attracted to this person or maybe I like this person or I'm interested in this person but where am I personally am I ready for something. Am I can I harness and control the actions that I have as a result of the emotions that I'm feeling you know are you taking time to prayerfully think and consider and be rational about how you proceed forward in engaging with the other person. So taking the time to really have some time of introspection self assessment. Where am I. Yeah and I think and I think this is a lot more important for God That is for women because I feel. Women kind of know their issues. They may not necessarily be out with them in public with them but they kind of know what kind of issues they have versus young men we get so focused on work in ministry. We're not really honest about our baggage. We don't even see that we have baggage versus a woman will know right. You push hard enough in a situation comes up. She will let you know this is where this comes from when I think sometimes Thank you for thinking so highly of us but to my sisters out there. Sometimes we need to stop and smell the roses for what they really are. And so we'll let you continue on and talk to them after you know that's a good point. Amen. But I think that you know a lot of times as young men. We don't really recognize how important it is to be self aware to recognize these are the issues that I have These are the areas where I usually fall. This is wrong. Usually weak and recognizing that we need to take measures to start growing in that area and I was in college I recognize after that situation with that Spanish girl that I had a problem. My concept of relationships and sexuality was completely distorted. And because it was distorted I needed to take some steps to correct my own view of this area of my life because I came from the world inner city Chicago all these different things. Sex was abundant all kinds of cross relationships people sleeping with other people spouses and girlfriends and boyfriends and all this drama that was always surrounding because people were like animals they couldn't control themselves. So in this sense here I am thinking that sex is this thing that happens in a dark place. You don't talk about it all this stuff versus here is this biblical ideal that out of a different a garden and they're able to be physically intimate in the presence of God and angels. Because at the end of the day God is always watching. So how is it that the Bible can say marriage is honorable and the bed is on to find every other bed. That is soiled outside of marriage is defined. So I started picking not books going through the Bible systematically to see. I mean to correct my own understanding of this area. I mean to understand the biblical ideal and what the Bible have to tell me about this area of my life and as I went through got started I saw my own misconceptions so as young men I think it's very important we pick up books and that we study and that we have conversations people that we can talk honestly about this particular area of our lawn. I think that we can also apply that to the ladies to have taking time to educate ourselves or Yet educate ourselves through different resources that are out there physically in books etc or even in people but I wanted to mention. And there's a big important. There's there. That is a very important element that we need to to consider but I think even going back a step further many times we. Well I just bring that to myself. So a lot of my girlfriends and I you know we always refer to it as looking for my Adam and you know you're at church. You're like there are no brothers in here there's nobody. Worth looking for or looking at here and we're always so focused outwardly as to what we're looking for does this person measure up. What it is that we're looking for and you know we have our list of the things qualities traits high weight favorite color. All these different things. You know some of the. Year Everything OK but many times are always focused not really about what what we're looking for is that my Adam is he there. Where is my Jesus praying I want to Adam and then I remember one day I think it was a very good friend of mine over here. He asked. He said you know if God were to bring your Adam would he think you are in Eve and I was like oh. Yes. It was him but I can guess who that friend was but it was a very sobering question if that's Adam that I've been praying for and wanting him desiring were to come and to see me. Would he consider me to be. And he would I be someone that was fitting that was fitting the standards that he was looking for as well. And so many times we need to take time to think about OK what is it that I'm bringing what is it that that God and I need to work out and fix where there's my anger whether it's different insecurities you know finding that that finding I don't know not our center. I'm not talking about meditation or anything but finding our place the being secure. You know with the Lord and with ourselves and not looking out really for someone else to fill those different things. So yeah. Knowing where we are being honest about that coming to the Lord with up with that and making sure that we can be the best women that we can and that God created us to be so that if I Adam does come he'll say for sure. That's my ear right there. I think the one thing you know. Also as a God Sometimes we think because we're spiritual and we have a job and we can provide that that's sufficient. And we sometimes ignore the practical side of life and my spiritual mother. She's actually giving a seminar down the whole Dr Walks in our Remember she told me long before I met my wife and was I had a girlfriend or anything so Sebastian. You know we have this conversation every once you are wishing pray with me recommend books and all these different things. And she said. So what's wrong with cooking. You know are you able to cook for yourself. And I'm like cooking. I'm a college student. You dogs there not to hook up some for. You know. Spice it up a little bit but you know she she basically pulled me aside and said Sebastian. You don't want to marry someone simply because they can do things you can't do. So you marry her because she can cook you're marrying her because oh she can are your shirt and she knows how to keep a place organized and tidy. But you need to learn to do those things yourself. So you're not marrying her because of what she can do but because of who she is and so next you know I'm over here cooking teaching myself all these different things I can. So all the buttons on my clothes I can fix my shirt with a needle and thread I know how to iron and not address coordinate colors some of us as brothers we don't know how to dress like I know the ladies can say I'm in. You know brother some to do I see look into like my bro I don't even match men. And you wonder why you walking around single through. So at the end of the day. And I'm telling the truth right there was a time where my dad took me aside and you had to learn part of being a man wasn't just I can pay the bills and do this you all have to learn how to put yourself together you understood you understood context in terms of my dress you understand how to tie your own tie you have a full Windsor you have a half Windsor you know how to tie a bow tie you understood that you need a good line that the line on your shirt from after the debacle on your bill. All these differences that we felt were important and what we have to learn and to do as a young man sometimes we forget those practical things are also in court and ladies don't let brothers off the hook. Just because he can give a good Bible study and he's active in outreach and he's got a job that's paying more than thirty thousand out doesn't make him Miriam. It makes him eligible but not near you. He also needs to be able to grapple with other. Personal aspect of life. And I think that's very very important. I'm glad you talked about the practical things because of course ladies I think our mommies teach us so all those different practical things which are very important especially as you move forward and you are running your own home etc But I think also sometimes we get so focused on the type of person you know that they're spiritual whether they're spiritual kind of occupation that I that we also we don't really take the time to figure out what God created us to be doing what is the purpose and the call that he has for a specific Lee. And yes for help. Meets but we also bring our we bring to help. We have to be like a complement. And so a compliment is just is not just something that's below it's equal and you have to have some substance to that too. So taking the time to really consider what is it that God has called me to do what he has purposed for me to do and really be exploring that and many times will find that in doing so I am will appear. All right so our next. This is Mark doesn't sound like it's not working. Doesn't sound like it. OK All right well you guys hear me. All right. So you know it sounds it sounds a lot weaker. It's on not sure you guys hear me. I think you know move it move it over. You are. Well he's moving that our next point here says a Motion Plus reason equals a better choice. And this is just to again to collate the fact that our emotions the feelings the attraction or what have you. That's well and good but we also need to be rational about it. So it's not one driving the other it's both working together to help us make the best choice when it comes to who to give our affections to and I think one thing that you know Candace and I believe about emotional intelligence is that sometimes we think everything has to operate on pure reason you know we've had people come to us in all I'm interested in this person I'm interested in that person and they start listing out all these logical things will elements says this announcement is home and she fulfills these to the T.. That does not mean that you should marry or writing on the recognition of the fact that it's reason plus emotion. And emotional intelligence recognizes the fact that your emotions should be partnering with your intellect in order to make a better decision. There is times where you know that a person may or may not be anything wrong with them but there's a sense in your own being. Right. The Holy Spirit speaks to us even through our emotions we feel like something's wrong. We can explain it. We can articulate it and I've had relationships just like that. And I remember specifically you know ending a relationship. Prayed about it a lot and I really had no reason to end the relationship. I can think of one real issue. And yet the Lord was impressing me to end the relationship. So I ended it by faith. And of course you know the girl was not happy. I felt bad about it and so I started praying you know one of my spiritual sister sets of ASH You should just pray for you know keep her in your heart keep her before God and so. While I was praying. The Lord literally gave me a vision. And I'm not even exaggerating was so i'm praying and God basically shows me right. Visually that she's going to be coming to talk to me at this specific spot. This was going to be the time this was going to be the sounds and this is exactly what she was going to ask me was about getting back together again. So I'm like OK this is a little weird like maybe I'm hallucinating too much pizza. Four hours later I get a call from her and she says Hey I like to talk I got some ideas. Sure. Let's meet up. Where did she decide to meet up clock tower at this time now by this point I'm like This is weird. So we go there as she's walking up. I'm sitting there. Just like the vision the time strikes. I hear the bells on the tower and she comes and what does she say. Sebastian want to talk to you about getting back together and I looked at her and I said God told me you were going to ask me this question and you told me to tell you the answer is no. And I walked away. Now in that moment right what is a girl going to say you're not a prophet. What is what is what is a person going to actually say but in that moment I say this because sometimes our feelings or something. Is off. We don't give them with an emotional intelligence is not saying Just trust your intuition in your emotions. It's saying partner that with your reason. And obviously bring that to God in prayer and you know the Lord worked it out and sometimes our reason comes first and then maybe the emotion comes after we're trying to figure that out and balance those out in one of them and the situation I had. So this was some time back where there was a guy that I was really interested in wasn't really. There was no interest or attraction. Well there was traction but there was no interest because I knew that he was he and I were in two totally different places spiritually and I had just come out of a really bad relationship. So I wasn't looking to to go through all of that all over again but it was kind of nice to have a friend right. So since I'm not interested. Hey there's no harm in hanging out. And so but before we hung out I was using my reason. Praise the Lord and so I wrote down a list of all. The things why I knew that this person wasn't a healthy choice at all. So I made this list you know it was kind of just like why can't take total reason and I think that would definitely impress me too because it was kind of like why am I even writing this these things are so they're so obvious right. But anyway we started hanging out and then it became hang out a little more a little more the more and I started feeling something and I would what's going on here. And so and you start thinking well maybe this you know maybe there is something here. Maybe something can develop Elo brought back to my mind that list I wrote down so I went back reviewed the listeners looking at all of the things. Nothing had changed. He was the same person. The reasons that that before. That indicated to me that this was not somewhere I wanted to go. They were still present but for some reason my feelings had had my emotions had definitely changed and so here again we see emotions. Plus the reason in this case I had to keep my motions in check and realize OK this is something that's not healthy. So I need to move back let this one go. Praise God We praise the Lord because you got this from a man. We have. So we probably should get into the Bible now OK well let's go in and look at these things in the Bible. Now that we've given you the main takeaways so we'll look at some biblical ideals first of all let's go to Genesis chapter two. Genesis chapter two. We're looking at Adam and Eve. Now before we do that. I want to show you something. In terms of the trees that God had made. Genesis Chapter Two beginning in verse eight when you're there you can say man. If you're not there so you have mercy. Genesis two eight. I'll be there. All right so the Bible says. And the Lord God planted a garden eastward and eat in and there he put the man whom he had for now who planted the garden. God planted the garden. Amen. Now verse nine it says and out of the ground the whom the Lord God made how many trees. Every tree grow. That is what. Pleasant to the sight. What is another word way of saying that. The trees were. Beautiful. Right. They were trucked if you wanted to look at them. So how many of those trees were pleasant to the sight. All of them. So we can conclude from this initial text which is in the context of the creation of marriage that God is a lover of beauty. Can you say amen amen. Every tree every What. So you're telling me God is going to make beautiful trees but ugly people. Yes or no. I know God is not going to invest more creative power in genius and design in a tree then he will in the very crowning act of His creation can you say amen. So what that tells us is that if every tree from the ground was pleasant to the sight. Imagine what Eve must have looked like. Right. She was she was pleasant to the sight. There is no question on that god and not just make her to be Oshie so help me. She's really strong and functional and very organized. And Adam was like all bone in my bone flesh of my flesh. You know something you don't want to look at her but you know she's good for me right. The brussel sprouts relationship. You know she don't look that great but hey just what you meet Adam. It's good for you. God is not a believer that. I'm telling you the truth. Amen. It's the truth. You know ever why mentions to us it is a sin to marry someone you don't love. It's a sin. We cannot toy with people's feelings and affections like that. And soul Don't be ashamed it is not shallow to say I'm not interested in a person because I'm not attracted to them. When God made Eve she was attractive to Adam. Just like the trees were pleasant to the sight now let's keep going. It says that God made every tree grow that is pleasant to the sight and that was what. What was the other quality. Good for food. What does that tell you about the tree. It wasn't just beautiful. It was also what function useful. It was also healthy for Adam right. This tree is good for food. There's things that are bad for food is a natural. Right. Don't go out there and get a Mountain Dew bad for food. It's like it may be something you can consume. And this is the same thing that applies to relationships that when God comes to Adam and Eve attraction is completely Biblical God is a lover of beauty. And I remember you know being in England in preaching in one of things that the preacher was talking about was you know when you see a pretty girl he says the first look is for Jesus. Right. The second look. That's when you're going to go far. So you look at someone say Man that's a good looking person. Praise God right down make things pleasant to the sight. Once you keep looking beyond that you're going into a whole nother area. And in this sense we acknowledge in our own lives that noticing that a person is good looking being drawn to them being attraction being attracted to them is something that is Biblical God made them that way. So we could try next year next sample. Jake up and Rachel. So let's go to Genesis. And we're going to look at. C twenty nine Genesis twenty nine. Sake of time which is jump right to it. Genesis twenty nine beginning in verse one. Are you there. Alright the Bible says so Jake up went on his journey and he came to the land of the people of the East and he looked and saw a well in the field and behold there were three flocks of sheep lying by it for out of that. Well they watered the flux a large stone was on the wells mound. Now all the flocks would be gathered there and they would roll the stone from the well's mouth water the sheep and put the stone back in its place on the well snuff. And Jacob said to them. My brethren. Where are you from and they said we are from Iran. Then he said to them. Do you know Laban the son of NE horn and they said we know him so he said to them Is he well and they said he is well and look his daughter Rachel is coming with the sheep. Then he said look it is still high day it is not time for the cattle to be gathered together water the sheep and go and feed them but they said we cannot until all the flocks are gathered together and they have rolled the stone from the well's mouth then we water the sheep. Now notice how the story develops. Now while he was still speaking with them while he was what. Still speaking right. The brother still finishing his sentence. It says and it came to pass when Jacob did what. What does the Bible say. When Jacob some are Rachel. The daughter of Laban his mother's brother and the sheep of Laban his mother's brother that Jacob went near and rolled the stone from the well's mouth and watered the flock of Laban his mother's brother then Jacob did what KISS Rachel and lifted up his voice and wept. The brother was not weeping for tears of sadness. That's the first you need to acknowledge. It says he saw Rachel coming as soon as he saw while he was talking he saw Rachel interrupted himself went straight to the well move to stone. Ladies you need to recognize right. You inspire men to be heroes. We want to do something great. You gotta watch out for that very fact that is a sign of attraction. When a guy wants to help you out go the extra mile. That's not just a Good Samaritan. Say men. It's not just a good Samaritan all over you know he's just a good Seven Day Adventists young man baloney. That brother is not just helping you out just to help you out as much as we'd like to believe we're just wholesome good people. And there are some brothers out there but please believe. If your brother is single around Joe age and he's going to Miles when you only asked him to go one. He's not just following the Sermon on the Mount right. It says in verse twelve and Jacob told Rachel that he was her father's relative and that he was Rebecca's son. So she ran in told her father then it came to pass when Laban heard the report about Jacob his sister's son that he ran to meet him and embraced him and kissed him and brought him to his house. We told they'd been all these things and Laban said to him. Surely you are my bone in my flesh and he stayed with him for a month. Then Laban said to Jacob because you are my relative should you therefore serve me for nothing. Tell me what should your wages be this is a very critical question now. Laban had two daughters that does not logically follow in the story. Hey man you're staying here. You know with us when in our family. Why should you how much should I pay you. You know for your work and for your help. Oh by the way Laban had two daughters. The name of the elder was Lee and the name of the younger was Rachel. Leah's eyes were delicate that's another way of saying she was not pleasant to the eyes. But Rachel was beautiful of form and. No periods. Look. Rachel was not just pretty great. She was like. Actually this girl was physically not just in good form in terms of her body her strength. All of that she was also beautiful. And it says now Jake up in verse eighteen did what. He loved Rachel so he said I will serve you seven years for Rachel your younger daughter. And I want you to think about this. This man just saw her. He came to stay with him. Maybe a month this conversation happened after he stayed there for a month. And Labor says why should I pay you for all your work. What men will go to you. P.S. I would go to the post office would go to the grocery store and I say hey man what was your wages. Hey man I work for her. You know paycheck. I want to receive your daughter. Now obviously there's a certain custom involved in this in terms of dowry and all this he wants to work that off but the main point I'm trying to draw out of this and that we want to bring out is that again. Jacob was attracted to Rachel. He was not attracted to LEO Are you following and the Bible is highlighting the fact that he wanted to marry her for that same reason. And there was nothing wrong with that. Because he had asked other questions. Besides attraction. And I want to know that that is a critical point. That's catapulting over and I think we should move on. All that. Sure. OK So let's go to Genesis thirty seven. Genesis thirty seven. So here we see with Jacob and Rachel. That Jacob didn't just say Oh she's pretty you know he asked what who's house are you from. He wanted to make sure that if she can just be a Canaanite woman because his father told him. Don't go marry someone from the Canaanites don't go marry someone who's a false worshipper don't marry someone who does not see God and understand the inheritance that we have in terms of truth and the relationship with the God of Abraham. So now we see that in that attraction. It was not in the driver's seat. It was not the only thing that Jacob was concerned with Oh she's beautiful. That's sufficient. That's it. No he wanted to know that she was of that same family that his father told him. Now when we come to Genesis thirty seven. I'm sorry Genesis thirty nine. When we come to Genesis thirty nine we see Joseph and part of his wife. Josephine part of his life. So now. Let's go in and start in verse five. So it was from the time that he made him overseer of his house and all that he had that the Lord blessed the Egyptians house for Joseph sick and the blessing of the Lord was on all that he had in the House and in the field does he left all that he had in Josef's hand and he did not know what he had except for the bread which he ate now Joseph was what handsome in form and where did you hear from Rachel and whose child is he. Rachel's child you to recognize this right. The Bible is giving you clues. So here is Rachel beautiful in form beautiful in appearance her son Joseph beautiful in form beautiful in appearance. So now we're talking about a men. Now let's keep going verse seven and it came to pass after these things that his master's wife what does she do. Cast longing eyes on Joseph. I want you to notice this phrase casting longing on us. It's one thing to cast. Her eyes upon a person. It's another thing that cast longing eyes. That's the second the. That's right that's the second look. She's over here casting longing eyes and she comes and says live with me. I want you to notice zero to sixty here. Slade. This guy. You only him he doesn't work for you you own him he's your property. And in going through this very fact it's like well Joseph is my slave. He works for my husband like he literally runs my house. He's like my me. And yet. Here's this woman looking out and saying well he's handsome. In form and in appearance and her eyes are not just looking to admire. But she's longing to have this for herself. She wants to consume her loss upon Joseph. And this is a classic example. And Biblical terminology of how we start getting into infatuation and when we allow the attraction to run its course and be in the driver's seat and I want you to notice this is in Egypt. She's not a believer in God. They don't believe in the God of the Bible don't believe in the God of Abraham don't believe in this religion. And so in their culture. She's acting on Egyptian principles. Just like Abraham and Sarah when he went down and he said I'll tell them you're my sister. Why because Pharaoh is going to take her. Why is he going to take Sarah because she's beautiful. That's all he cared about. So of all you thinking about is how a person physically looks and just their body and their appearance. You're in Egypt. That's worldly thinking. You see it all the time on reality T.V. you see it all the time in movies you go and it's like oh yeah I just met you're attractive I'm attractive boom. All the sudden we sleeping together. That's not how life works. And definitely not a Godly one. Somebody should a settlement. We must be careful to recock. That when a man or woman cannot wait. When a man or a woman cannot wait. They don't love him. Just remember this phrase in your mind stop casting longing eyes upon me. Sometimes when you tell your boyfriend not to. Or your girlfriend don't cast longing eyes upon me and start pressuring the person I want you know this how often she came to him and we have to move on. It says in verse eight but he refused and said to his master's wife. Look my master does not know what is with me in the house and he has committed all that he has to my hand. There is no one greater in this house than I nor is he kept back anything from me but you because you are his wife. How then can I do this great wickedness and sin against God So it was as she spoke to Joseph. What's the next phrase. Day by day. Do you know how powerful infatuation is. This is what happens when attraction is in the driver's seat. It will not be denied it will go day by day by day by day until when Joseph was locked up. She would not stop every single day. Live with me. Live with me live with me. Why don't you sleep with me every single day. Because she was simply driven by that attraction. And we know how that story ends. Unfortunately Joseph ends up in prison because he does the right thing and sometimes for us when we are doing the right thing and we realize now this is not where I want to go. This is not what I want to be about. It doesn't always end up and the right way for us in that others may not have us appropriately or but at the end of the day we know that we live for an audience of one and that's God right. So once we are doing things according to what we know that he. Told us. That's right that's what matters. As we come to our close though we just want to quickly go through these popular be policed and misconceptions which will kind of summarize everything that we've talked about and just kind of put a push push pin in and a few others. So common misconception or belief is that I have to act on my own track. I have to act on my attractions and through what we've talked about here. We know what the answers. Are going to try to do you know. OK. No we don't have to act on our attractions. We remember that our attraction is just part of the equation we need the reason as well. And that is what we used to be motion only intelligent in our church in our choices in our decisions in engaging with someone that we're we have feelings were many times we think that attraction is only physical I think of the story. So I say. Well OK Well. When Sebastian and I were first getting to know each other. I was telling him last night and I didn't know exactly how to break it to him or how to share it so that didn't sound bad but this was my first Christian relationship or a relationship where I was seeking to do things God's way. And so there were a lot of things that were very different and one of the things that was different was my attraction to him. I think I believe my husband is very good looking. But when we were first talking that wasn't the first draw for me I was attracted to something else I was attracted to more of the qualities that that I love even more now today but I think I think my husband is well say that qualifies because last night she said you know the first thing I tried to me was not how you look it was too late. We're. So. But it was very weird for me to not for physical attraction not to be the thing that was driving me to him because with every other guy that I had seen that was the first thing that made me want to know a little more and then you become disappointed. But it works in the reverse. So you just remembering attraction is not only physical and that's OK we've come and realize that attraction and liking aren't. Are Not so yes this is the misconception that attraction and liking are the same. No we choose who we like. Right because the attractions there and liking is saying that we are we are desiring to learn some more about that person. Or that interest and liking is the actual OK I want to get to know this person more mutual liking does not equate to being ready. Oh yeah another misconception that mutual liking to being ready for a relationship and we learned early on in our as well. I learned early on in our is that it's not true. Again this was the first time trying to do things the way that I thought God thought that God said would be you know was the best way. And so when we had it when Sebastian is finally expressed to his interest to me. I was like hey let's go because mine were there so I was like OK so the next thing is let's go forward relationship. We're going to be starting that and actually didn't. It was a year and a half before we even start a relationship. You're a nine months. Yes I was I was a long time I was so confused. But for another that's for another station next session but there were a lot of things that we needed to work out. We'll talk about later on having our Abrahams or having our spiritual parents that we were taking advice from and that were advising us how to properly navigate these waters and so I'm thankful for that time that we took it was definitely needful. Another misconception is that people think because I don't like him or her like that it's OK for us to hang out regularly. And this is a way that you can play with the affections of another person. So just because you're not attracted or you're not interested doesn't mean you have the license to do things you wouldn't normally do with other people are you following what we're saying right so don't get that in your mind that. Oh you know this is a misconception Well he's not even cute to me like I'm not attracted him or she's you know she doesn't look good to me. So she's just a good friend. Right. But she's over there. Baking you pass' and cooking you meals in all this other stuff because she's your friend. No she's not your friend your friend doesn't do that right. Your friend would tell you are your own shirt so Amen. You don't say it in the same sense. We want to be very clear careful that this misconception that because I'm not attracted to you that gives me license to do whatever I mean and a lot of times we use this brother sister relationship to justify stuff. Yet don't be food. Be careful with that brother sister stuff because we had friends that said one friend of mine she said oh that's just my little brother brother he hated the fact that he she call him his brother. But guess when they married today how. To stay true. So yeah you got to be careful with that dating and courtship Another misconception is that dating in courtship are the same thing and actually there is a very clear difference yes you can define it for us. OK. You know one thing that Candice and I looked at is the fact that dating. You know is simply there to engage and bond with a person without an aim towards marriage and that's the difference when you're engaging in courtship you're trying to draw the affections of a person out onto yourself. But your goal is marriage. When you're dating a person. Goal is not marriage your goal is to have a good time following that is your goal. Hey let's go out to eat. Let's go to pinball you know what I was go bowling you're not there to be like hey in your mind you're like I'm gonna marry this guy. He's spending money on me he buying new clothes I mean that's on him. But in your mind. I'm not going to marry him. But in his mind he's thinking that very same thing. Right. So we've got to be clear on the fact that dating is this kind of worldly practice of just having a good time with the person that you are attracted to it once courtship is saying we're going to enter into this time of bonding for the goal of marriage because we see potential that God could bless a relationship for that's clearly same in a man. So that's a very very clear difference. And why we use the term courtship in Christianity and not dating but we're not saying that you can't have a good time with people of the opposite sex but obviously we recommend you do that in a group so that you don't create that same thing we talked about why not attracted to you. So we can hang out all the time. Now that's a foolish assumption. You're going to find yourself in some drama. Which takes us back to just simply being friends. We know how to be friends. Right right. OK We'll get to that as well. So what do we do if we don't want to date but we're not sure this is a person we want to enter into courtship with. Again with the answer. We just become friends. Right. Friendship. You know the simple art of being a friend getting to know each other the way that we would it would be Sebastian talked about in group settings you know. Playing some games eating disorders are going first in English. And they said this is what the doctor said he said are you guys so kind of like what should we do. How should we pose. He said I'll just look natural. Then she started trying to uppercut me in the photo. Hey we're friends and friends. Thank you. But that's the one. Things that I think has been has been a real blessing even as we've progressed into marriage and parenthood and that we've been friends along the way and in that year and a half way that we had that's where we really established our friendship where we weren't tied to you know because we have these affections and feelings we have to act a certain way but we really focused on what it meant to just be a friend to each other how we can minister to each other just as friends the quirks that he had the courage that I had so you are taking time to observe those things. Our time is OK. We have a type form so we want to take a picture of this. It's basically an online survey you can submit your questions that you have we're going to have a Q. and A session such a number six. So you want to take a picture of that or just go there on your phone and we tried to rename the U.R.L. but we didn't have time or if anybody knows how to do that. Let us know. But basically we can also submit it to G. Y.C. they have a link. And I can talk to them about it but this is the link you can go in go to that web page to ask you some basic questions. And you can actually submit your questions so that we can answer them on the seventh session. They have a march. Let's go and have a prayer to close. Its place. Father in heaven. We just want to thank you Lord for the privilege of life and or want to thank you that you are a lover of beauty and that for us to appreciate the beauty that you put into the world is one of the reasons why you gave us and we prayed Lord that we would also be careful to not fall into a pot of first wives trap to fall into and try to simply be driven by our physical attraction and our base design but help us who are to marry religion prayer life reason and our feelings together in order to make the best decision to honor and to bless other people and. Being on which this message was presented at the G Y C twenty sixteen conference when all has been heard in Houston Texas. Do you see a supporting Ministry of the Seventh Day Adventist Church seeks to inspire young people to be bible based Christ centered and so winning Christians for other resources like this visit us online at W W W dot G Y C Web dot org.

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