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Logo of Michigan Conference of Seventh-day Adventists

2. The Vulnerable Child

Laurie Snyman




  • June 19, 2017
    9:00 AM


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Let's heads to Father I pray that you'll be with the children on the Scamp us and in our families that are represented here I thank you Lord that we have children that we have been blessed with I pray that you'll be with parents grandparents aunts and uncles Sabbath school people child care people that attend to the needs of the children and your father there's probably never been a more difficult time in our universe right now than to raise children than it is right now and there are many people with hurts and many children that are feeling. Socially on accepted and I pray that you will help us to minister to their needs whenever we notice that we thank you lord that you felt all of these things and yet you still died for us and still wanted us to be in your kingdom and your holy name Amen. So I'm just going to say that my title a little my little subtitle is popularity is it really a blessing so going to tell you about Victoria Victoria was 9 years old her friends say that she's weird you ever had kids name call and label she seems a little uncomfortable and when they are talking in a group she comes and she gets right in the middle of the conversation and they kind of give her that look sometimes she says funny things but it's not at the time she should say them it's like after the time and so they think that's really weird she doesn't seem to listen her listening skills seem to be really bad sometimes she talks over them and sometimes she talks at the wrong time and when they say something to her she usually cuts them off. And behind their back they've complained to even the teachers that Victoria is a show off and that Victoria is a. They think say that she's kind of arrogant and difficult and they make fun of her behind her back none of the kids want to camp with her at Pathfinders she sits alone at lunch at her school and she seems to have no 1 to play with and it's rather painful to watch her mother says that she herself had problems when she was growing up and she is very distraught over this problem and she cries because she says that they're treating her daughter the same way they treated her because really deep down everybody wants their kid to be what popular and like to write we go oh I just want them to be healthy but the truth is we want them to be accepted by their peers and when our kids are unhappy we're unhappy right there's a lot of fathers that are doing a lot of the care of their children to especially divorced fathers and they also recognise that there are lots of issues going on sometimes with their kids popularity so what do you think could be going on with this child any ideas why is she so different and he diagnoses she may have a processing problem where her brain does things differently doesn't mean that it's wrong but she is different right and what happens in this age group of kids who are like 6 to 10 if you're different what happens. You're supposed to be all the same right so when something is different you really stick out so she could have a processing problem what else could she have a problem with my little diagnosis. Could be let me say that it could be not major It could be that she's just shy and she's so fearful about doing good that she just doesn't relate that well because she's just so interested or whatever but she still really wants a friend or else she would be hanging out so OK I didn't mean to interrupt you except that I wanted to grab that because it may not be something major It could be something minor So anything else you are thinking could it be just shy or were you about on your way to say something else. Over. Time so hard to. See that would be that processing thing and just you know how some people are like crackpots and they take a long time to warm up and then there's people are microwaves they shoot things out and they're very impulsive OK so she could be a microwave and by the time she came up with a joke to share it was after the fact and they'd already left and they left her right OK Any other concerns that it could be him and sure actually yeah. She said she could be him and sure some children are you know get older and mature at different rates than other people and so it doesn't mean that that's wrong right. Some kids hit puberty at different ages that doesn't mean it's wrong they're going to have hit it eventually but they just do it differently sometimes you don't really know somebodies background it could be that she's been socially deprived or ignored or or there's been some abuse or she's had a really unstable family situation where she's been going back and forth between grandmother and her uncle or whatever and so she just hasn't gotten the skills that she needs. She could sing very worried about. Tools. How is a very good thing and how did you know all that that's very good she said he said that. Evidently her mom had this issue too so could be some kind of a genetic medical issue or a neurological issue it could be that mom is paralyzed because she went through it and so she doesn't know what to do and she just is overwhelmed by it and so she doesn't get progressive and do anything about it like that this is getting good anything else I can think of some really common things that we might say that she might have attention deficit disorder what do you know about that anybody know anything about it kids who have hard times paying attention focusing. Have problems with time getting places on time have played have problems with organizational skills by the way they're really bright attention deficit disorder they usually test out very high in intelligence it's just that their processing is so fast and so speedy they don't always catch everything OK we know this is a story. I know I would be if I were tested but. I don't really believe that there's a distinction ever since because everybody who were interested so if you took the same route kids. Thrive in a classroom environment where you are your 3 then we're going to think we would have mentioned. Well you know it's I hear you're I hear your pitch your your opinion but many of the Attention Deficit kids can hyper focus on certain things but not on other things and we didn't have an issue when the kids run farms and they were milking the cows and they were exhausted before they went to school they didn't have a problem sitting still but in this day and age we want to sit still we've taken P.E. away in music away and they're supposed to sit in their seat they're supposed to concentrate on everything that you do and like and we're not doing very well but guess what an Asian countries they do or they have a T.V. or not they're like their parents are so serious about it they better be studying when they get home to and our universities are showing that those are the ones who are getting accepted many of our universe some just like there are all kinds of things that are going on as in their. Head has anyone heard of autism there are more and more autistic children and there are different levels there's the ones who do not function hardly at all can't talk and then there's also the Asperger's which is a high functioning autism and they don't process things. So if I heard that your great grandmother from Greenland died and you said to me no my grandmother from Greenland died I might just pass you up and go and do something but I would know as a person without Asperger's that I should say Oh I'm so sorry and then I should pass so they don't process things they don't always show the right facial gestures at the right time and there are people who work with people who have some of those diagnoses and they have been teaching them social skills and how to react well if you there was a young girl that used to drive me. She loved to come see my daughter and we would go shopping Well you would think that she would be with my daughter but you know if she did she'd hang on me high rises name and then like I'm not sure I can walk to the next rack in the store with you hanging all K. and then I go to the next rug she hangs and. Well that is indicative again you can't just say that 1 thing is indicative but I know that she tested out for a T.V. later is isn't a the thing you know how we have a circle around what happens when I get really close to you and I go hi hi a Dylan if you don't kind of. Yeah it's like we have this circle around us and A.T.V. kids don't know about that circle neither do Asperger's because if they get too close to us we start to push away and I felt so frustrated with her I'm sure she thought I was angry at her all the time and maybe that's why she kept hovering over me but I wasn't aware that she just didn't have that understanding of space around us and so many times if we're not learned in these areas we just give these kids this egg we're aggravated with them and they get this burden on their shoulder that they're really a chip on their shoulder that they're really upset so we have to recognize that there are kids with diagnoses that that will put them in a situation where they will be more annoying and more difficult trying to get along with their friends and is it painful for them absolutely do they feel betrayed or disliked or unpopular absolutely So when talk a little bit I'm out that so they ask kids who are younger. I think that they were between 8 and 12 what do you want most and then they boiled it down they said they want to what. They also want to. And they want to be treated as competent How do we give a child the feeling that they're not accepted what would a parent do to make them feel accepted something they might say. Scolding what's wrong with you. If Are you an idiot you heard some of those things at Myers or Walmart breaks your heart and actually heard a mother say I'm going to beat you to your bloody. And it was because the kid drop something in the cart I don't know so I'm just like sometimes the way that people are so harsh with them gives them the feeling that they're not loved or accepted to belong what would belonging mean where would where could kids have a feeling that they're not belonging as school and in the family what's going on and in the Americas these days that is making a child not feel or let me see say even a teen making it teens not feel like they belong can you think of some family situations. Both parents are working and when we get ignored like Do parents have to work this isn't about guilt there are parents who work but they are also very nurturing to their children they put them in good care and so they are treated well but there are the parents who go to work and then they come home they're on the computer and they really don't spend the time with the kids or the kids want to do some things like maybe they want to play hockey but they never have their parents are always they can't go because they're tired and they're not going to do it or there is they want to get to Sabbath school and it's really important I just somebody was just commenting on how their kids love to run to the department here at Camp meeting because they can't wait to go there so what if mom wasn't even bringing them here and they were so excited about it like they don't know I support the good things that their kids are doing. I think about I had a young man who came in for counseling and his mother died of a brain tumor. And his father was really too busy for him and then so he would spend a lot of time as a latch key kids and enter a stepmother Well it was a positive stepmother it was somebody that really cared and that he could talk to he loved to talk things over with her and she died of cancer. So then he said you know now I'm in college and he said they don't never mention like am I supposed to come home for the holidays my dad got a new girlfriend he said they don't mention him I supposed to come home for the holidays they don't say we're looking forward to he says I don't really know should I stay at the dorm or whatever and then he says when I come I have laundry and I'm like I don't know maybe I should be using their washing machine because you know maybe she thinks I'm using up the water he just had that feeling now you just saw Carlo right that's my adopted son there was a point in our life where we had been having Karl over and he kept calling me mother and I told him no he had called me mother friend Oh I'm so ashamed now but anyway. And I I was working with a somebody in counseling and they just said you know I always was the adopted child they never called me their daughter or their son they always said I'm their adopted child and other people have said to me you know my my father got remarried so when I go over there I don't know where I should really say that because like I don't know what to do or like because his family his new family's over here and like do I sit on the floor like you know it never good enough that feeling never good enough and then somebody else told me Well I'm always the half sister I'm not just the sister I'm always the stepchild anybody relate to any of this and stuff and I thought you know I'm doing that to Carlo too because I'm telling him to call me mother friend my daughter came over and she kept saying Mother and Carla kept saying mother friend and then I said to Carlo. If you ever want to call me mother I don't want to replace your mother he doesn't have a mother I said but if you want to call me mother you can he said OK Mother. So he's he's my my boy. And my husband you know he's a little bit quieter and more subdued anybody know my husband. And he's like whoa this is really heavy you know we're not young I'm like I understand Don't laugh like Sarah Yeah Rebecca better be watching now so anyway he called me 1 time and he says he was in England doing a commercial and. You know your husband just texted me happy birthday son and I want to. Do you do that and I said well what did you say you knew. Then I did. It anyway so he is 1 of us now so that's really special but we want our kids to feel like they belong don't they and we need to be fair we have people who say that there's favorites in a classroom or favorites in their Sabbath school class or kids that get to do this and kids that don't get to do that there's parents who are good to the girls but not good to the boys or parents that are good to the boys and night to the girls like want to make sure that we're trying to be as fair as we can whenever possible so that they feel like they belong. If the children. Feel left out they often will try to make up for it in some other area by being annoying never seen a cat kid that once the attention they're really annoying and they talk constantly a mile a minute right. We also need to accept that we have children with differences and not all of them are cut out of the same grain would that be true. I knew a family that had 8 children and everyone had different colors of hair different types are here and then interesting and I would assume that personalities are the same way how many of you have more than 1 child and they are completely different OK that's very common so we need to accept our children and not compare them to their siblings have you ever heard of that why don't you do as well as your Brother Holcombe you don't bring the report her home like your sister look at your sister cleans her room you know your brother would never leave this mess like we need to. Talk about them individually we also need to recognize that not everyone is a born leader would that be true. Parents are really concerned about popularity even with preschoolers did you know that some of the parents will come in regarding that. For counseling and it's unrealistic and it's a lot of stress on your child. Preschoolers they were talking about it in a book and I was reading and probably give you some of those sources in a little while preschoolers say that they don't care about being happy or they just want a friend isn't that true they want somebody to play with I always think about tell some of these stories or not but I keep on kids have a better chance of developing their own social skills if the parents don't have rigid expectations sometimes parents will constantly lecture them and tell them how to do things and then they become more resistant but it would be almost better if they saw a good behavior and they compliment it so give me some compliments that you could say to a child in their developing years about their behavior that's positive what would you say. If they're around other kids what might you pick out and compliment and praise them for. I'm sorry. It was nice of you to share your toys that's better than going did you share with Johnny. Like there's an expectation what else was that showing sympathy and empathy as a really big skill that we need to teach absolutely teaching them the warmth for animals. For older adults. People that are vulnerable handicapped people very important anything else that you can think of that would be really nice so. OK I noticed that you kept your hands off their items and that was really good I know it must've been really tempting to touch those things. Sometimes parents have a really hard time finding something to complement because they've got a kid that's really out of control so 1 of the things you might just say to them is I notice that you were quietly working on something without interrupting or whatever you like just whatever you can do that's basically really good now what if you say here's a good kid can you do we guess what when we start to act like that the kids start to ignore us after a while so we don't want to go over the top you just want to be serious about it what about parents who get overly upset over things do you think what can happen with children then they stop trying they get discouraged they get angry and guess what you have now set them up to get angry with their children to everything that we do is a training ground for the future right what legacy do you want your children to have. Incorporating your spirituality into the things that you talk to the children about there was somebody that I used to hang out with in college she had a little girl and she would constantly say look at the stars didn't Jesus give us a beautiful sky tonight or look at that butterfly just think Jesus wanted that butterfly to be seen by us and that's why I came over here and it was like the wonder of it all the amazing so we need to make sure that we incorporate our religion and our good feelings about God into our discussions. When you see children treating other children appropriately make sure you make a comment about it maybe not at that moment but at least later about something positive that they did sharing their cookie picking their Dalla pushing somebody in the way again that's younger and being gentle with them those are all really positive things Here's some suggestions of what we can do to give your child a fighting chance now again we said kids may not be popular but kids can have good relationships with people and may not have to be popular but they can be well adjusted and we want to give them the fighting chance so by the way I hope you're praying for that child I hope you're praying with that child have you ever heard stories about somebody recognizing that there was a family member that was praying for them aloud from their room and they heard what they said and it made such an impact on him or her. There are people who keep prayer journals anybody do that here prayer journals OK and sometimes they become family things that you hand down and they can read about the prayers and the answers to prayer that somebody was watching them during their life and I heard that mentioned at a baptism recently that somebody who had been away from the Lord for a long time remembered their grandmother's prayer journal and they as they read it they saw that the things that they thought they accomplished in their life by themselves was really after granny had been praying for them on that isn't that a special legacy to get a study showed that kids who were having problems but attended a group on how to listen better improve their status with their peers significantly Well adults do the same thing if we're good listeners in adulthood we sell better we get along in our workplace better and we get along in our relationships that are so I'm going to ask you because I figure you've been eating and in a lot of groups and you probably get a little tired so no waking up right now what is good communication 1 o 1 will pretend like we have a class what are some of the things that we should do when we were listening to someone at all boy that was the answer right eye contact. Have you ever had people who are piercing I content. In your legs as threatening to sometimes we have to like move away and look back but I contact is really important how many of you know your children are always listening and what do you say to them look at me what's the. Yeah yeah you did this member of Andaman was a Vandeman he used to go give me. Just big that was so weird then I raise a child I'm like That was a good 1 yeah. Isn't that cute guys on the tape. Yeah I know they they repeat things don't they I remember that I wasn't paying attention my daughter was diverted with something and she got the ears and the eyes mixed up and she gets her her I rated my mother look at me like I think she got a little mixed up but anyway I'm like yeah I was not paying attention and just think about this generation when we're on our technology we are not paying attention to her you when you see that out there kids that are trying to get their parents' attention and they're on the phone and they're like quiet not right now I'm busy like if. Somebody was telling me they went out with a couple for dinner. And the couple were both on their phones the entire time for the dinner and then they thought that they were really frustrated because they had spent a lot of money and time to take this couple out they were trying to be friends and they said they looked around the restaurant and everybody at everybody every table was on their phone to we really need. Yeah there's parents who tell me that they bring their kids to games or recreation and they think they're going to listen to what the kids have to say so they can get to know their kids but the kids are in the back seat texting their friends next to him because they don't want the mother to hear the father. Oh. We'll. Yeah and then. People. Will. Think they do want to our attention right there's a point to where they go to school and they don't want to attention anymore and it's heartbreaking but there's a certain window where we can have a big influence right. Here. When. We look at skew you. Know they're listening 1 on 1 what else are we supposed to do I'm sorry. Oh. So your word was feedback you know repeat back at it. So what I heard you say. I mean notice when somebody jumps to a conclusion about something you said or did and they didn't even ask you to clarify and they heard it from somebody else we feel so upset we really need to take a bra and repeat back specially if you're in a relationship with someone that's a really good thing to do last misunderstanding when you understand what really was said or done and that 2nd hand what else what about body so your body is facing the person who spoke and speak and speaking and spacing can you see I can't write and talk the same person speaking. I'm going to say Speaker. Which by the way it can't mean we have a little problem with that. I had a Bible study here yesterday and we were eating at the canteen and I should have been looking at that person because I'm so happy that they're so happy to be here and they want to be baptized sometime soon and instead I notice that I'm watching all the people coming in from the canteen and like yes yes but I'm like looking to see who's coming in who I'm going to see you yeah we have a hard time i can't we don't we we don't want to miss anybody OK teach your children the manners what manners are very important to speak to our children about what was that. Please and Thank You don't people get pretty far with please and thank you I think of a young man who was in my school and he came from a very abusive home terribly abusive home father was an alcoholic sometimes you'd have to hold him down so that he wouldn't hurt his mother and he had all these brothers and sisters but he had learned please and thank you he became an academy principal he's working at Southern Now I just think about that I think that his politeness took him far and his brothers and sisters didn't do as well I don't know if that had something to do with it but people were very warmed up towards him and I thought that was really special what else would you want to tell your kids to do. Not to interrupt conversations to listen before you have to put in your word and I've seen parents try that haven't you when you're talking something that kids like motherless and not not right now right. Yeah OK so not interrupt without. Take turns everything I learned was in kindergarten right take turns. With preschoolers they're still going to want to. Use their more impulse of course is going to walk. Right through that you rely. On that and you never know how long you're. Going. To. Use. It if. It's a good lesson to learn it's not. Like when people grow up and somebody cuts them off rather than having to have a problem they smile and by oh well maybe they needed to be there faster than how do you feel about when they say you're a guest at a church and they say well the visitors go 1st and so you're walking towards a table and 15 people from the church are all in front of you do you feel angry I'm just saying that you know the truth is that we need to learn to be kind and do we think less of those people who push and so like we need to learn these lessons because it makes us better adults doesn't it actually a person came in for counseling and she went to a new church and she said that she they had a picnic in the park and they were brand new they were the only ones that were visitors and they said oh we have a potluck so come on over and she said the people lined up like they were at a pig Trop and then when we got to the line there was no food and she said we won't be going back to church and I thought well it's a good thing that didn't happen and this church. Never does does it yeah OK I heard to be respectful. What is respect for me he kind of people especially people that are older than you or. Anything else. You know. That's how I contact. I think about being a greeter any of you been a greeter at your church and there are certain people that come in and they look you in the eye and they shake your hand they but there are many people who look past you or look like you're you know didn't say anything and it could be that they're shy or whatever but you just feel on acknowledged and children if they haven't been taught usually will act that way right we have to teach them and are we less frustrated with children when they have appropriate social skills that way or have better manners Yes and you can imagine that it also works with their own kids and their I'm sorry their own age group what about kids who are cough sneeze. If parents haven't taught them people don't even want to be around them so you can see that parents can make a big difference in how their kids are treated no matter what kind of issues they are if they have their basics down so any other manners that you can think of that we need to not forget. For years. It's easy to tell our kids using credit. For. Doing this is good for my spirits but they seem really really something to do in the C.B.D. with me for doing this. I have a woman who tells me all the time about she can't get her kids to clean up in the kitchen after they use the kitchen because her husband doesn't clean up and she can't force him to do it but because he doesn't do it they don't think that they have to do it and that it causes a lot of upheaval in their house and their lives just like we are really we seriously need to do our part don't we know 1 or excuse me was mean is going to do it for me you know he. Really needs to be raised isn't that sweet We know that. Isn't that wonderful Did you hear that she said that her son her husband was always being kind about opening the door and putting on her coat and that her son you know and that must've made him feel a grown up because he wanted to do the same thing for his mother and actually our kids will often treat their parents the way that the parents treat each other have you heard that quote The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother Yes So the way he treats his wife often will convey respect or not respect and the same thing that she can you know there's women who can certainly the little man in front of their children and they wonder why the kids don't want anything to do with their dad they don't listen to him we really need to be very careful about our relationships and how we treat people. All right dressing people neatly and coordinated that sounds so silly doesn't it but if children are not neat often people don't treat them differently Have you ever seen people who are in a suit in the and they are treated differently than those who are sloppy like it is a bias for us to treat So if you have kids that their clothing smells or their clothing is not clean or it's not well thought out like we don't need to be rich to be neat and clean right and there was somebody who told me how the kids made terrible fun of them because their parents were smokers so their clothes always smelled like stale smoke when they went to school and the kids were like Oh give me space we don't want to smell that it wasn't their fault but they felt like they had been burdened by their parents' behavior monitor their social life do you think that. When children go out the door their parents should know where they're going. Do you think that they should know how long they're going for do you think that they should know who they're going with kids who are not cared for are the ones who are the biggest. Threat when it comes to sexual abuse did you know that kids that are left on playgrounds but not being supervised children who are run around the church without any supervision I'm sorry to say that it happens in churches children who are allowed to run when their parents are in meetings or whatever those are the ones that people watch if you are a pervert you watch for the most and cared for child and that is the 1 that you're going to target so just know that you put the make great risk if you're not focused on their care. Another thing I think that parents and it's not on here is good sportsmanship Have you had kids that have gotten really angry over a game. And when they what do they do if they are doing very well with competition. Cry throw a fit when they cry that's often seen as a weakness I'm not saying that we can't cry OK that's not what I'm saying but children who cry and cry often because they're mad or they're upset or they don't think things are fair are often the ones that get mistreated by other children so very important to role model do role plays do all kinds of things to help them understand how they can deal with it in a different way. Are there tricky situations that come up for kids that we probably can even write down it's very important for parents to talk about options hand your kids tools so that when something comes up they can click and go all that must be what my parent was talking about it's a good thing. Teach them to treat others as they wish to be treated girls and social bowling is what girls do they don't invite everybody to the party they only like to I mean the 2 girls like each other the best and the other 1 is always out they create clubs and not everybody can get into it so does that sound like getting girls that you know yeah what a boys do when they're bowling. Who said the right the only issues that boys are in is emotional and when they're done they're done right and like to go and play ball with them right after they're done but the girls what do they do it burn into their brain and they're still man. My daughter. She was about 12 and something happened was some little boy here at Camp meeting he spit at her when she was 6 and she said to me when she strolled there is that boy that fed me and I'm like well maybe you can forgive him well that made me dirty and I didn't appreciate it and I'm like Wow Well guess what when they were in college together they were best friends so you know we have to help them was forgiving people too don't we now so we also what about secrets don't last the girls love to have secrets and what happens when another girl here's the secret. And then they ostracize each other you told yeah they always tell right. So we also have to teach them how to be responsible and keep their promises unless somebody is being injured or earth planning to hurt themselves that's the secret that needs to be broken and we certainly are in a climate where there are lots of suicidal things going on these days we need to be very careful Another thing we can do with our children who feel ostracized or not be friended is to make them compassionate towards new kids or kids that are disabled and make them nurtured nurturing of other people and so that may become a good friend for them anybody have any other suggestions on that how to make them more aware of other children. Sometimes they need to be a friend outside of school. There are Sabbath schools where kids are bullied did you know that. There are. I was really excited because my friend was bringing her son to do something with some other kids and I said how did it go and she said well you felt like the ADD kid out well everybody had their buddies with them it's really hard to break into that was a boy thing it wasn't a girl but I wanted it to be a wonderful 1st time that he was with all of the kids and so we sometimes we have to prepare people I think that I should've gone in and said By the way this young man is going to be new today I'm hoping that the teachers will be aware of that knowledge as include him whatever so make sure you're doing your work when we are. Parents have you ever noticed how parents want to act like their kids sometimes. You don't ever see that. Somebody was telling me on their on the campground today I was interviewing a member with my little phone about what they like about can't mean they said yeah we come from a state where you know you can hardly walk across campus without hearing all the drums from the youth in the teen departments and I said wow that's really something she said yes that amazing all those ministers they're all so much older than the kids but they are in there playing the drums and. And I'm like Oh so they're adapting to their behavior it's not very cool with Mommy comes to school in a mini skirt. Or of dad you know is trying to say remember those old words like groovy What are they today whatever it's really fresh or that's sweet like what if you start saying you know they're like annoyed when you start to act like them it's really nice to be a parent we really don't want to be their friends we really want to be their parents act like a parent because then when you have to tell him something that they're doing that's not right you don't have to worry about wondering if they're not going to like you right. Be involved in your in your child's school I've watched for years how sad it is. What is it that Pathfinders do when they're having something on a yearly. It's. There and option I went to an induction 1 time and there were no parents that meant the parents all just drop them off what does that mean to a kid. Yeah and when you're doing something good of why I support them right and I don't know whether it's a Christmas program or a 1 that when they get special. I don't know their honored as honor student or whatever like Shouldn't we be there to support them even if we're just the church member because they're doing something good and we want them to know how proud we are so we really need to be involved in our children. And not just our own children what about embarrassing or belittling our children in front of others we really need to be careful in that when I was at college I went home with somebody I my mom was always very considerate and kind and respectful of me as I was growing up she didn't demean me or lecture me but I went home with these girls and their mother just would say the worst things to them my stomach was in knots I couldn't wait for the weekend to be there I wonder how the girls could ever say anything to their mother at all because she was always tonne of what they were doing wrong and these were nice girls in college can you believe that yeah. Remember that Oroville dam that almost broke that's where we went was to Oroville and I always thought I wondered if that mother made that dam break because she was really always mad she was always mad steamed up and I thought the whole house was going to shake when she was saying those things but anyway. But we need to be careful about what we say in front of other people don't worry and I'll tell you open mouth and certain and dry it off and put the next 1 in right we need to ask forgiveness ever. Why was that change my shoes or dry my toes off because they're going to get some kind of problem you never say the wrong thing to the wrong person how many times can you say you're sorry that is a good yeah yes I say to Carlo I'm so sorry and he'll go are you really mother. Sometimes I'm not thinking about I just want to say or you know what I have to be serious about saying I'm sorry and acknowledging what I've done don't label your kids to others Have you ever seen kids who say is my mother talking about me again and what is she saying about me there's kids that are so hurt by the things that they are. That are said to them fathers as well fathers can gather about their kids too and they can call them a lot of names but labels are very hurtful labels are like you're stuck in this is how you're going to be for the rest of your life we need to give our kids hope like so what you messed up now does that mean that you're going to mess up in the future this is a great thing for you to learn from right I had a young person that came in that was kicked out of a school for something that was. It. Could have been construed as something really serious but whatever and she was. Crying and sudden you know her parents were upset and were mad at her and they think that she was embarrassing to them and they didn't want to bring her to church and all these other things and then I said to her I believe that you're really sorry for what you did and she said oh yeah i am i wish I'd never done it and I said and don't let this consider this thing consider your entire future this was a bump on the road and she said really and I said yeah you did it you already learned from it I bet you're never going to do that again she said Well absolutely not only that girl went out with some hope and I'm like isn't that how God treats us he doesn't say if I had told you a 1000000 times you've now I don't know what's wrong with you are you an idiot like he doesn't ever say that he says you know come to me I will help you I have a future for you we need to give kids hope don't dwell on their faults don't be mad if they're playing with kids younger than themselves by the way attention deficit autistic or whatever they say that the average playmate for them is usually 3 years younger that may be the only 1 they feel accepted by because their maturity level isn't so high so we need to not make them feel uncomfortable with that. Teach them what you share will be shared with other watch A We already talked about this stand up for yourself and others if you see a bowling situation and you're maybe 13 how many of those kids will stand up for the kid that's being bullied do you know in the statistics what would you guess. 90 percent will not stand up for them because why why would you think they frayed that they're going to tease them what else. That they might get bullied too it's not cool you want to align yourself with the people that are somewhat scary that you want to you know you want to get their respect so you just don't want to do that we need to let kids role play at home how they're going to stand up for other kids and when we teach them that guess what no teacher or parent can stop bullying as well as a kid that's their age in fact when a kid there are age stands up to a bully they said that there is like 80 percent chance that it will not occur again so I think that's amazing. How you Jeanne very important kids are hygiene I was listening in the showers today and it was so funny. So you went in there and just turn down the water do you think that that was a shower no you're going to come back in here now. Or 1st. I thought you know I'm stalling I was so happy I got out of my R.V. and into those bathrooms and I could have real water you know that was warm and I'm thinking I'm enjoying this but was there ever a time when I didn't want to shower there must have been. And I guess when you get all the time or you don't want to have a shower either I just I'm not in that stage yet I'm still enjoying it but yeah. And there's you know there are people who say don't be nice when you don't feel nice maybe you feel like slapping your kid but aren't you glad when you don't like let's do what we need to do use your brain not your not your heart or your feelings and I always say I bet you didn't feel like brushing your teeth today and their kids are going through but I'm like but I'm glad you did before you came to visit me and so there's just things that we have to do even though we don't want to because it makes everybody happy around us and they're all I can tell you Sunny how we want to make sure that we give them every chance to be treated well when they get to school. Have your child include others we've talked about that invited child home for an afternoon Savva the walks help your child make memories by planning parties outings recreational time like when they have a friend let's say that they're having a hard time in their school or in their Sabbath school class that they can have someone outside you can say I know that that was really a hard situation but at least you've got you know your friend John over here and he's going to be playing with you tomorrow and like you have to divert him from that to this other situation help them practice handling typical problems by the way a lot of you are taking notes and I'm happy to give you my Power Point so that you can have it yourself I will be happy to email it to you let me put my meal here again. And I'll. Just say what lecture it is and I'll be happy to send it to you get help for your child if they have an emotional problem how often do kids have emotional problems these days. And we are we in the last days. Are we increasing in problems so we have always known problems do we have. Preservatives problems do we have food problems do we have all kinds of things going on in this generation we don't even know what's causing it we have genetic problems we have Remember they said and to every generation there was more like as we get closer closer to the end of time we're having more and more problems how do you know if a child is depressed signs and symptoms a child is depressed. Change in behavior could be that they start to get very difficult to deal with very angry irritable mood swings right what else. Quiet and withdrawn they don't talk maybe that 1 time they were friendly but you start to see them like just like drawing within right what else. Changing attitude appetite eating too much eating too little anybody else out there what happens a. They cry yeah they cry more often they can be anxious and if anybody know what an anxiety attack looks like OK they can't breathe they get all upset so those are all things that you really need to look at should do you think that some of those things just will go away on their own many times they can get worse what could happen to think it really bad it could result in what. Suicide is 1 it can be a branch of to what else could happen. If there long enough they can become psychotic which we hear nervous breakdown and if they have there are children that would come in to see the psychiatrist that I worked with for many years and they just suddenly had a psychotic episode but in talking to them they'd been getting depressed for many years or many months and no 1 was picking up on it and then they had that problem so we need to be really aware that they need help 10 percent of all children and adolescents suffer from depression when they're growing up did you know that and many times if it's not caught they become very depressed function for functioning adults. So it is a big issue and takes a devastating toll and they're more susceptible to drugs and alcohol because that is called a dual diagnosis and when people are feeling really miserable they want to cover it up and so alcohol looks better to them they don't just drink socially they drink to feel better and it may be that they will use drugs to feel better and so you want to really get some help if you need help who do you go to where do you start. Well parent is a good 1 and the parent should take them where. The family physician is a is usually you're like avenue where you can find some resources. Now are all families physicians eyes good none like if you know you need help go for it and on the Internet there's all kinds of tests and things that can show you that you have an issue it's really good for you to just get that person a some help what if people have a divorce in their family or they get in a major accident or the parent dies you know all those children sometimes need someone to talk to and they don't want to talk to the remaining parents of the they make them feel bad so they often will keep it all inside so finding somebody and it may not be a counselor maybe that you want to talk to have them talk to an adult that they really think a lot of on the Michigan Web site MS or get everybody heard of at the Michigan conference website it's Michigan S.T.A.. Org You go to the ministerial department. Where I work part time and you scroll down past all the pictures and then you will see Christian counselors and I have. Worked really hard. To come up with a number of counselors all around Michigan by county and I have talked to them on the phone I can't tell you that they're all great I can only tell you that all of them have said that they've either worked with Agnus or that they. They are very supportive and respectful of badness and some have found some real wonderful they are posts by going to that directory if you ever find somebody who's not I would be happy to take them right off the list there are some add to this and that directory We just have very few ads there Appice in Michigan so I just want you to know about that girls have twice the depression rate of males adolescent girls tend to dwell on problems such as popularity appearance family issues more than boys and keeps girls depressed longer and more seriously but I think that when somebody is really depressed. I think that we have little rote things that we saying We go all pull yourself up by the bootstraps and don't be so down and why do you smile more and I'm like it doesn't help they if they seriously are clinically depressed they really need a strong intervention it needs to be consistent and persistent you want to get them out I mean your responsibility as parents and grandparents is to see that they function so that someday that they're functioning well and they can take care of themselves and so you want to be progressive to get some help so resources is good but also there was a young girl who was very depressed and her divorced father came right to the hospital where her mother had her in the E.R. And he said you know this is ridiculous you're putting us all through a lot of stuff you know you need to stop you need to buck up you know none of us go around just being the prostin I'm sure it did not help so she ended up in the hospital and I guess 1 of the issues that I was identified was that her it was her father's issues and how she dealt with her father like we need to not have an attitude of judgment these people are really hurting so and we don't want to sit there and all you poor girl I don't know if you're going over just through or you poor boy like you want to just say you know I see you're really having a problem I'm really glad that you're going to get help and I hope that you'll talk to them about what's going on and many times it's our thinking that's really adding to it right be all or nothing if everything isn't perfect and I'm going to be miserable and if for the anxiety the biggest that brings ideas what am I going to do what's the worst case scenario what can go wrong and it's like we can get ourselves really fired up mothers do that too don't they and fathers. Proverbs 1320 says he who walks with the wise grows wise we want to give our kids good role models out there I love going out there and interviewing the kids and saying So what did you like about Kant meeting all I love passed Taylor he was talking about dating it really connected with me oh I love pastor Akon burger he was out there playing with us and I just thought it was so cool how even when he got hit by the ball he didn't get married and you know I'm just like isn't that wonderful or you know I was looking down and you know Pastor Leroux came over to find out what I was doing and he's so nice to me and I just like Don't we want to have them around great people did you have people around you as you were growing up that you really admired and it was somebody really wanted to be like someday or you want to do the same thing that they do like let's make sure that we surround him with good people and less our church families let's make sure that we're so responding well to our children out there and we're congratulation while congratulating them encouraging them I have talked about it before I don't want to be repetitive but I had a church that was encouraging to me and I felt when I went to academy that I better make them really proud they told me I know the Lord's got a plan for you I know that you know you're going to be a good little girl and make your parents proud out there at that academy so when I was about to get in trouble I really couldn't get that out of my mind and I didn't do what they were going to ask me to do and I had people who who told me I had. A pastor who asked me to do week of prayer and I was scared to death I'm like I could never get up and talk in front of people and he said Oh yes you can talk in the classroom all the time and I know you can channel that energy into talking to people and you can say something useful too. Yeah thank you Jim Ayers Wright member he was 1 of my assistant pastors he was a great person we need to encourage kids that we see a plan for them most people take too passive a role when it comes to their children being bullied or when their kids are not socially adept at things or they're not communicating well and they just don't do anything and I'm like we need to be progressive and get them help and we need to help encourage them and and treat them teach them skills I also think that kids who aren't on time for Things have a disadvantage because other kids already know things and then they come out of the loop and then they look really foolish like we need to give them time to places give your child a heads up when there's a stressful or anxiety producing event coming up. Can I say that parents sometimes do T.M.I. too much information subjects are always better than all the details but saying you know you're going to see somebody that you know has made joint comfortable they're going to be out there but you can just be with me that makes you feel better and comfortable or or you know I saw that lady yell at you and I'm really sorry I know that what you did wasn't a good thing but you know hopefully you can just understand that she has a problem with her anger and hopefully you guys can be friends later on or what you know like give them some feedback and some help if your kids having emotional problems be progressive and get them help. Work the house together instead of having them do chores by themselves do it together my daughter and I used it did you ever have these little phonograph some of you that are older when you were little and you played I had 1 that was called whistle when you work so I didn't have a phonograph when my daughter was raised but when we were dusting we'd put on music about you know whistling while we work her or you know what when we all work together the happier will be we had all these little silly songs that made it go really fast and she kind of really enjoyed that sometimes I would make her stop and I'd say smell of the house and she'd go smell it gas smell it she'd say Oh it smells like lemon and like that is a clean helps with lemon in it yet it's really good I don't know if she still using Lemon today I never smelled it at her house but I know she enjoyed it when we were a little right. Don't let social media rob your child from connecting with the family we talked about that on Monday that there are so many people that are doing on restricted time on that technology that makes them the king of their technology and to make some have an attitude when it comes to the family they don't really want to participate they don't want to be interrupted they don't want to do things with their parents they are being impacted by who is talking to them on that social media it's a fantasy thing it's not normal and in a nutshell when they get older they have a harder time with relationships they have more problems with depression because they can't get a job and they have a harder time with marriages etc And it off some such them up for substance abuse because they're just not coping with life so that's in a nutshell that was like that was like your 1 minute version of Monday take a walk families need to take a walk or go for bike rides Sara Tonin pumps through our brain we're having a relaxing time we're talking and enjoying each other we're getting away from the house where'd we need to watch what our conversation is make sure you're having positive time with your kids and not just critical and judgment times when you're having to train them. Allow them ownership give them choices so they're giving you buy and they're going No I'm going to wear that I want to wear this and you go well you can wear this service which 1 will it be well aware of this and you go OK then I'll have to make the choice for you right very important that we empower them to make choices learn a new skill together you know bring a chair home from Goodwill and redo it together like we do better when we have projects and sometimes that's how we learn grandpa maybe out in the workshop and he's you know sawing something and that's a really good time for a boy to go out and watch or somebody is working on the car or mother's sewing or knitting I could never pick up knitting can any of you I was really good at making knots but nothing that looked pretty OK Does that mean I was a not a girl OK So support the good things they like to do like their Pathfinder investors we've talked about that eating together I talked about that on Monday they learn more skills and standards from their parents when they have $3.00 to $4.00 meals per week that's better than any other thing that they do is eating together at the family table make it pleasant have a good time enjoy have everybody say what they're thankful for like make it a positive uplifting time. Encourage them to talk to God or write a little journal. Or or make a big deal about prayer or have something where on Friday night worships you put things in that you're really thankful for Thanksgiving about all the things you are thankful for like keep your kids and gratitude make sure they don't have a chip on their shoulder make sure they're happy and that they are recognizing it there are so many other things that you probably are all doing so I want to endorse the good things that you're already doing when you're able to but I also want you to say you know persistence is the key even if it didn't work last week try it this week keep being progressive being consistent Persis didn't and if there's any questions that I can answer for you after our session happy to do. 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