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Logo of GYC 2019: By Many Or By Few

Stop Playing Games

Clive Coutet Charlene Coutet

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Ever had questions about the whole 'finding love' thing? Like why is it so hard to find that someone? Am I doing something wrong? Will my heart ever heal from the pain I’ve experienced along the way? More than just finding that special someone, how do I love them right when I do find them? What is marriage really like anyway? How do I prepare for it and how do I survive its challenges? Clive and Charlene Coutet desire to share their hearts with you and give real, honest and practical answers to many of these questions.

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  • January 2, 2020
    9:30 AM
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This message was presented at the g.i.c. conference by many or by few in Louisville Kentucky for other resources like visitors on the right dot org. Hello everybody. And out here at from here for right we're going to get started as people still coming in we have a limited amount of time. I am Clive He'd say This is my wife he say. I know several times to stop playing games as thought about a prayer farmer heaven thank you for this opportunity for us to be able to come together speak and combust a privilege or give us wisdom help us to get free or content and that people will be impacted I'm blessed in a my pre and. So before we start and I will take the phones out and I want everyone to either download an apple slide though or go to Slide 0 dot com as I 100 as before Ok let me know when you're on that site or if you have for now just go to the website slideshow dot com. When you get then put in this code for 176 it's how you guys are going to be asking us questions how it works is someone may ask a question and they'll type in this is here and we'll be able to see it on our phones and if someone else agrees with that question they can like it and the questions with the most amount of likes also fussed and we'll be doing that and off for session we're going to have a 2 and a panel with some experience merit couples and this will be the best way for us to be up to the q. and a session so yeah I'm not down to the Apple gods website how many of you are on the ready Can you see it can you see I put a question in there already Ok so now it is a dumb question but if you like the question like it will stay at the top if you have other questions keep putting them in and as people go on. They'll be able to be able to alter those questions. I'll leave that for a bit. Ok so we are climatology like I mentioned we live in California but we're originally from England we have spent the last 7 years marriage not necessarily happy marriage. But we've been married and we're still here. And now happening I now have remark. There is a look at everything. And. We would probably want to share our journey with people who've been through our own challenges both x. and have had our own experiences prior to getting married I have the privilege of having 4 older sisters and no brothers so being in that environment I was constantly surrounded by women in. A home full of women and as I kind of got older I naturally if you're surrounded by women your whole life I naturally crave women attention you know so I went on a journey my wife went on her own journey and she's going to share a little bit about that shortly but my initial. Idea of marriage or relationship story was not necessarily the most Christian way because I wasn't really raised that way so my idea is well almost the same experience the Charlene had but just without me being there that makes sense so we're going to be sharing a little bit about that we're going to be sharing about how we can heal from some of these possible stakes and that's really going to be a session to 3 I'm using a sanctuary we're going to be talking about. Some of the struggles that we went through from the trial. And just the approach to Maurice I had a really good idea of what I thought marriage is going to be like what my marriage is going to be like what wife I was going to be what mother I was going to be the whole 9 yards I had it planned out and well life happens and it was in my list I'm a very process person and my formula to relationships success was very it was very good I thought it was flawless. And God had to take a focus on a journey. Of rediscovery of realizing that life isn't a formula show you guys are figuring that out but we really gravitate to formulas because we want to find success we want to find the person we want to be happy we want to be in community. But how do we get from those desires and cravings and making best the decisions to be able to get the outcome that we truly want not the outcome that I found I always thought that to get which wasn't what I wanted. So I am a she grew up in such. But many of you may have had this similar experience when church can sometimes just feel like a building it doesn't feel like there's a relationship there with other people who thought it was just just like this room that's what it felt like to me so mentally I left and I went to create other things in the world and it was only really. When I came back into the church that I started to really realize how things should be done and that kind of started when I met Charlene and we began talking I met Charlene about the same time as I came back into church and we committed to give my life to God and all I wanted to do was gone and we started talking we started chatting and. Maybe you can sell or. So I got to the point in my life where I was done with guys I was like always. Sorry. But it was really frustrating for me because I'd always going up with this decided to be a mom and if you backtrack it's like well before I become a mom then I should probably become a wife and then if we become a watcher to find the guy and. I remember coming to you I see Actually it was in 2000 and I think the one that was called no turning back and the opening address floored me because you think you going to come to do you watch see this like what 325000 young people on fire for Christ I'm going to find my husband he's going to be here. And the opening address was no turning back and it was like Is that anything that is holding you back from being completely sold out to Christ and Christ alone and God literally just impressed upon my heart so heavily that your desire to be with somebody to find your spouse is overriding every other thought process that you have is blinding you and God is like giving. And so when the guy made the appeal court member who was preaching I was like well my committing to my going up for the appeal of my committing to a life of celibacy like what is that and if anybody saw my face that if I was crazy because I was like I'm really expressive in my face it just screwed up in a whole mess and I was crying my eyes out like I am I giving up this desire to be with somebody will I be alone and is that going to be Ok and I just found my feet in the aisle and I was walking up and I didn't even know what was giving up and I couldn't even say Ok God let's do this I was just like. It was the quietest Wispa and God gave me this opportunity throughout that conference to almost have these divine is that in case I didn't actually see people obviously I see people it would bump into anybody but that's desirous to look and see if that person that I'm waiting for is that when I was only when I got home after the conference and almost like like fall in the blink of came off my eyes did I realize how much of my mental time and strength was given to this passionate desire just to find my husband and I think that led me to really really revise my life and I look back at my previous relationships and I realized I had a really big problem the problem was I thought I had a 4 minute successful relationship I made sure that I looked right when I went out I made sure my clothes look just right my hair was done just right I made sure that I spoke in a way that shows that you know I was intelligent I was I could cook clean I could wash themselves perfect on paper flawless but my heart was in the right place. My heart was seeking after the pieces but not the relationship I wanted a relationship with a guy without understanding that I had no idea of what love was in Christ I had a list I remember writing in the back of one of my diaries I kept a very sporadic diary and I had this idea of the attributes that I thought were admirable all really good things that my husband actually does have Prince the Lord but I put them in an order of of the things I thought were necessary to life and I went after them in a very. What's the word formulaic way it was without Christ and I run into a problem. Because growing up in church I struggle to see examples of really good Christian marriages does anybody else find that that's a struggle I'm from a broken home my parents divorced when I was maybe alive and 12 somewhere around there it wasn't it wasn't nice it was a bit messy everything's much better now praise God but at the time it was really hard and I became super disillusioned with this idea of love I stopped being able to say I love you to anybody for anything those 3 dirty words I couldn't even say it so the people that I used to like a lot of the people I used to want to say I love me too like my sister my brother or my mom I'll just wink at them but I couldn't say those 3 dirty words because I heard I love you said by so many people that I just saw what hurting each other and I was like I don't I don't really want this idea of love anymore so when I approached dating and marriage I just have this formula of Do not be like your parents don't end up like that but I didn't know how to go about finding true and lasting love and so I find myself with guys that. Are a waste of time. Essentially I wanted a godly Union I wanted a spiritual home I wanted a priest who would leave me and my family and our future children in worship I wanted to feel secure all I didn't want to grow up and live through the insecurities that I saw my home was and which ended up falling apart I couldn't go through the pain I saw my mother go through I didn't want to make myself vulnerable to that kind of situation so it's like no massive wall in my whole dating situation I'm going to make sure that I have all the pieces to find the right person but the right to see was that I didn't understand that this quest for finding the right person is a battle for your mind I thought was just super hard to find somebody where is he in this world of people the issue is not where is he the issue is where am I And where is my mind. And the biggest struggle within Haiti and that's one of the. What we want to share with you in this 1st session we're going to break down decision making I was such a poor decision maker I thought I had it down packed like super formulate but I really did not have an idea of how to make a good decision I was brought up with very good principles of what was right and what was wrong but my issue was I was never told why don't do this why because I said so don't do that don't go to those places don't speak to those kind of people and decent women are found in such and such a place and it's like well why. There was no why and the problem is that without the why when you find yourself in a situation where mom dad or whoever you speak to is not there to give you the yes or no you should do this you find yourself completely. With the inability to make the right decision for my body feels good right now why well why should I do this what if heels good you're in equipped to know and understand how to make the right decision if you don't understand the why so we're going to kind of get into the why I think that before that from the guy's perspective I was kind of the other guy that she's talking about that was always needed that companion so I would get my kind of mind from what I put into my mind and that would be Hollywood got to be entertainment industry that the music and you start to try for these ideologies an idea is of how relationships should be you know you know what he was like you meet the girl on Monday Tuesday you're going on a date Wednesday you know etc etc etc I don't need to go into detail but that was kind of my mindset growing up from a young age I was craving that female attention because I've had it my whole life so I was struggling with those kind of things and I was only after I became. Back into the church I had to surrender that I had to give up I had to realize that I had to give up my want for female attention for Christ he had to feel that I was only off the I found Christ but then he could be he could put Charlene in my life if it was the other way around I would have ruined her life just like those other guys but was only this way where we were able to kind of move forward in that kind of leads us on to the problem. So the problem is Romans 718 to 19 guys want to pull that up using the Bible. I always found I was a love relationship talks and seminars like I just loved anything to do with it but found a lot of it was a lot of talk which I love to debate but what we're going to share with you why I really appreciate about the stuff is that you can go back to the words when you get home it's not just a nice discussion that we're going to have here together which is fun we're going to have a laugh but you can actually go with something sorry. I mean moments or. So he says for I know that nothing good wells in me that is in my flesh for I have the desire to do what is right but not the ability to carry it out for I do not do the good I want but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing this and we find that this is the story of that life you have the desire you know God knows the desires of your heart and praise God for His grace but if you find just the hope of keeping on doing the very things you don't want to get in the wrong result we have the same issue that Paul is kind of illustrating and that's where I found myself to very much wanting to do what's right for finding I was always ending up with the wrong formula and. I got to the point where I was really really really broken down. I pushed everybody out of my life and I was doing things my way because I was going to do it why nobody else is going to look out for me I was looking out for number one and I was at university and had a break the breakup of my life. And I just completed I'm always going to love him he's my person with the same person he'd walk into the room and then just be electricity like everybody would see it he was just my person and I concluded that you know I'm just always going to love him and if I can't be with him which I couldn't It's Ok I'm going to go through life and part which is always going to love him I'll just do life and do whatever else that I want to do. And I ended up getting the series of wake up calls. In the middle of the night 3 o'clock in the morning when week I don't remember what the 1st 2 nights were about but on the 3rd night of work Mia He's like my child wake up as I knock my lord I'm tired and I just I just want to leave I know we're going to deal with this problem your love for that boy. I know we've been that was done not but t.j. I'm always going to love him it's just is what it is and God is like no wake up I cannot bless you with the future that I have for you unless you heal from this my child wake up and it's at this point that he took my mind's eye as it were to a room and in this room there was a girl. She was walking around she was shivering she was cold there was a dog to that room and it was wide open the room had like a beige colored floor quite light wooden floor in the corner and there was this semblance of a fire but the embers were really low it wasn't giving out any heat she was super cold there was a table that had some stale looking bread on it and she was just walking around the room just completely just upset and alone and shivering and then in walks a guy through this room and the door was wide open and he had big muddy boots on and he stomped into the room and her face lights up like it's Christmas because she's not alone anymore and he walks in and he trumps that mud all over the floor but she doesn't care she follows him around the room and she's like. Just super happy following him around like a sheep and then he looks at his watch looks kind of that bored no no no don't leave she takes him to the table sits him at the table and feeds him the bread that's on the table eat to still gets up and just walks out the door. Doesn't even look back to them say a thing to her and she is broken broken she looks at the floor and my goodness so she gets down and she tries to clean up the mud but if you ever tried to clean mud and all you do is smell mud circles that's what was happening she's like a waste of time so she quickly goes and finds this rug pulled out and slaps on it covers most of the floor she covers most of the mess call it a coping mechanism and no sooner had she covered up most of the math then in walks another guy through the open door and he had big muddy boots on as well but he's a bit more conversational You know he smiled he even avoided the rug because he could see it was a bit of a sensitive area says the guy she's so happy he's much better that this is this is the this is the best option and she follows him around the room and eventually even he walks his model all over that rug he doesn't cast looks at his watch looks a bit bored oh no no no please don't leave don't leave and she takes him to the table she sits him at the table and he eats his cell of the bread that's there and when he's finished gets up and he walks out of that room and the girl is she thought she was broken before but I don't know what the next stage is after broken broken broken broken broken broken and she's crying her eyes out and shivering because she's freezing there's a big gale coming through the open door she's crying eyes out is at this point and God says to me Shah this is you you have left the door of your heart open for anybody to walk into and what do you get from this and messed up floor emptiness and you're cold you need to let me in you need to let me in. There's another part to the story but we're going to go into how did I end up being in that position my god had to reach out to me and praise God he did what was my decision making process about I'm going to look at the brain this is the brain sort of so we have what's called the lower powers these are desires our passions our emotions and the feelings then very valid part of our life very often becomes talk about relationships all about you need to control your passions you need to put your feelings aside you just need to think about things but the reality is feelings emotions and our passions they're not wrong God is and still these things and because there are things that get us to move if you had no desire for hunger you'd sit there and just die because you have no desire to go find food we need these things as a necessary part of our life these are the lowest powers the next thing is called our higher powers these things are reason these are reason our judgment our conscience anomalously these are the way that we weigh all decisions and God has a plan for how we should make these decisions the plan is like this we have a desire a passion or feeling or something we then should try on. That feeling compassion to our reasons judgement conscience morality and then that influences all will all well as our decision maker gets us to move Methodist young people says Your will is the spring of all of your actions how many actions some all of your actions so the big issue here is what's going on with all will and the things that factor that will. On the high and low a power so you see if you start at the bottom rungs that's the top and the inference is the world this is God's complete cycle for decision making so it's like you have this desire to hunger What am I going to do about it well let's think think about this so it should be best to sue me to maybe go get a really good meal like rice and beans thought it finished off with some not and I go do that and then I feel the fact that faction of a full stomach I like food righty so I feel it so I stuck to the feeling of hunger of trance but it's amongst my highest How is how should I go about it what's the best way to do it that's impose my will I've made the decision for me let's go and I feel full It's a complete cycle of feelings all around she will back down. Step to Christ save $47.00 says this is the governing how in the nature of man the power of decision all of choice everything depends on the right action of the will and I think about all the decisions that you're making if you did them in this complete cycle we'd find that we'd have much more fulfilled life and I realize I wasn't doing that. I've fallen for the counterfeit Satan always has a counterfeit go back for bring We have a desire to help passions on motions and feelings so that say with hungry again I'm solving what can I eat you know I'm going to go raid the snack of I'm going to get some chips I'm going to get some that I'm going to get from like chocolate bars I'm going to get some candy and I'm just going to binge on going to the one going to do straight away your feelings have gone to well you've made a decision engage the fact that maybe this is just super high calorie it's going to last 55 and how long it takes you to get hungry after you've had a packet of chips and a chocolate bar. I mean for me it's like half an hour. And even more than that so I've been steadily gone from a feeling and a desire to just going on and figure on it and I feel Ok I'm full for like half an hour but it doesn't last the problem with doing this and influencing your your will stray from your desires is that this is what happens in sort circuit being a desires and becoming so over being so overpowering that your will is basically consumed right in that you see that there's no distance to the well from the feelings and whereas the little the little voice of reason doesn't get a look in that arrow point will reach it and this is what I found was happening in my relationship I had fallen for Satan's counterfeit short circuit sort circuited my decision making process and my heart was trying every single thing that I wanted I see him you know he's he's he's about something he's got charm he's got swag Yeah that's what I'm going to go forward I instigated all of the things necessary to make myself available for his notice so that we could work something out my desires and my passions became every single thing and. I found that most of the feelings need to be in an environment where they are engaged so it spends so much time on the phone and spend time you know going out just chilling doing whatever we're doing we needed to be we needed to have that kind of dialogue we spent a lot I spent a lot of time with a lot of people when I 1st moved from my city in Manchester in England I went to study in London which is where my husband's from and it was a new environment I was away from home there anymore that's live and I just started to get to know people because I'm a friendly kind of nice northern girl super innocent super naive super self-absorbed. And I thought that's what the guys I was just seeing that friend because I'm friendly but I found it so much easier to have friendships with guys than I did with go why is that with a guy there's always like oh there's a level of attraction naturally biologically it's easier to be around the opposite sex because they could just be this level of just residents but women go go go we need to find some that we have in common we need to talk you have to work relationship with somebody that if it is go to go or guys to guy you can just resonate and just be around each other and just chill because you know feels like kind of like me vibe vibe really cover home much and they mask and you actually think it's great friendship and you can be among the can't be friends of the opposite sex but it is just easier and I wanted the easy way out I don't want to have to deal with go poking about that have been talking about this I wasn't into that I just found I could have more straight talking reasonable conversations with guys most of my friends were guys and I thought that was fine I honestly thought it was fine until one day I was friends with this guy for about a year we'd talk all the time like he'd message me in the morning at victims throughout the day and would speak for like an hour and a hall full of something after I got back from university at home in the evening we talked all the time and he was just he was greatly really go on we talked about life everything and then it got the point where something happened and I think he deleted something out of my phone I think it was a text message that I think I'd saved like back in the day we had archives you know old phone I'm old. Off by someone I and I'd say this message that my ex-boyfriend who you are this is always going to love and I saved and somehow he managed to find his way through my archives and he deleted that message that I was saving. No we didn't. Do that how did you go in my phone and then with my business I was so. Hungry let's put it that way I was hovering with anger I could have flown with the weight and I was like How dare you and he looked at me like so what so I was so live it and I stopped talking to him and he's phoning me and then he started one time to shout down the phone at me and I screamed back at him like it's not like we're in a relationship you know my boyfriend what are you doing and I was silence on the other end of phone and it was in that moment I realized when I look back over this year that I had invested and he into me all of his conversations all of his time all of his heart to heart whatever was it was with me who didn't invite to go listen to him play using his music did I was just friend genuinely innocently Naive me and selfishly. I was just being his friend it wasn't the case for him. I was a user I. Didn't realize that because I hadn't filled myself made the right decisions I was I was filling my feelings I became a user. Of other people's emotions I stole his time I stole a year of his life and it wasn't just him I had other friends too I stole that time. By the ever saw myself as being a bad person and I was it for you. Well. From my perspective it was I was there I was the person that was trying to get something from the. Guys you know what I'm talking. You invest time into that person for a reason. You can't just be friends with me you know we can just get along. I'm investing no one wants to be friends. Let's be honest. You spend so much time and effort trying to invest into that go to get something in return now the Christian way is you're trying to get a wife you're trying to get someone that's going to raise your children you know he's going to help you get to heaven that's the Christian perspective but the won't be perspective is physical contact you're investing for your selfish needs and that's what was in my. Thinking spending time is bonding I think spending time with bonding I think spending time is investing in that person it's like going to the bank you put money you invest money into the bank to let it grow to get something in return you don't get something you don't put something in a bank to get nothing in return you know you're investing and that's how I see the same thing with us guys we're investing and that's what the Holywood that's what the world teaches us we're investing there's 2 types investing is a vesting of Christ and getting a goalie why there's a vesting in the world and trying to get something for your own selfish desires and it's getting kind of white for situation that we're going to look at proverbs 5 we're going to we're going to go through this section I actually really like this actually it's quite juicy so problems 5 we're going to start investing one and it says my son to be attentive to my wisdom in Ca You know it's my understanding that you may keep this question on your lips may cotton knowledge for the lips of a forbidden woman and drink honey and to speak of them boil but in the end she is better as one would show up as a 2 edged sword the feet go down the steps lay hold of lest you ponder the point of life hallways on stable you don't know the. My vision head says she does not ponder the path of life a 6 ways one and she does not know it was me my ways were wondering and I did not know it as if I would look at this passage and what's the title of warning against adultery I'm on the don't trust I would never look at myself as. This you know this sort of woman and I wasn't that sort of woman but my actions actually were. I spent talking time might my lips tripped honey nobody's going to talk to you and invest time in you if you. Don't say something that sounds nice and honey sweet guys like you my speech was smoother than oil I know how to say the right things to be able to keep you know an active conversation I liked debate would I ever have seen myself as an adulterous. Never. It was only later in life when I started to actually reassess who I was and stop deluding myself that this innocent sweet girl that I prided myself and being yes I desired to be that the reality was my decision making men this is what I was doing to the people I was talking to most of them that for me now my children and do not depart from the words of my mom remove your way from her and you know going near the door of the house lest you give up on of the others in the years to the cool aliens be filled with your wealth and your labors go to the house of a foreigner and you're more and you mourn lost when your flesh and your body. I think 1st 9 here is less to give you on its own others and you know you. Something about all know that should only be for your husband. There's a there's a. Unity the only a husband a wife should see and it should not be given to the crew or the should be given to quest. But you are giving your own not anybody this woman is given to all it's actually everyone anybody and this is where the struggle begins no says here that you wasted your years how many of us it wasn't just with this one guy do you find any of your friendships that you've invested so much time in or you've just been you know friends with a guy and I know you can do it in assembly I really wasn't a malicious person I'm not about kind of girl but the reality of my actions was I wasted so many other people's years because of my need to be fair I wanted somebody to talk to I don't want to be alone I wanted somebody to laugh with to understand me and they did I once about love of relationship and community from my friends without wanting commitment because to be honest I still loved my ex boyfriend was trying to get somebody asks I didn't love them I loved him I still crave attention I still needed that. That male person that male figure in my life because it made me feel good and that impacts my actions all the time and you get to the point where it says in verse 12 how I hated discipline in my heart despised for proof all of these things that everyone's telling me this is how you should be in relationships I wasn't interested I was doing it my way because it felt good I had my friends I knew what I was doing not realizing that what I was doing was totally selfish and on course like 1st $21.00 we went on a 15 year trip want to 1st 15 says drink water from your own system moves they drink water from someone else's focus on yourself. Stig grounded in Christ and focus on yourself and running water from your own Well she just fountains dispersed the brood streams of water in the streets let them be only your own and look for strangers with. Ices that you found to be blessed and rejoice in the wife of you you a lot of our time is spent in interactions that are going nowhere they feed all desires and all feelings they imprint so well for they don't hold the complete cycle that God has for decision making process and we end up in relationships that break us I thought the guy I was totally in love with I'm not going to I'm not simply not going to fall in love with somebody you didn't you know have a good attributes he did. But my decision making process and what we're going to go into in session to as well is the people I allow to be closest to me determine the caliber of the relationships I ended up having in my personal relationships I didn't have a good standard of and tree to my life and because of that I was constantly finding myself in broken relationships broken friendships I don't know always finding myself alone this is where God found me when I had that dream I never had longstanding friendships could always fall apart why because I always wanted things to be done my way. So we have a remedy praise the Lord there's always a remedy and that's why I love examples possible you can be as messed up as you like innocently so as well but God never leaves us in our mass he doesn't want us to have unfulfilled relationships doesn't want us to be broken things what's supposed to breaks anything at 1st a break this is the rock Christ and I suppose if process right. But relationships they break you like nothing else I have 1800 says I think most of us know this Come now let's us what. Reason come others feel or just you know have a good time together let's just you know what they say reason that implies dialogue it doesn't necessarily even mean that you agree but God says Come now let us reason together sais the Lord for your sins are like scarlet they shall be as white as snow though they are red like crimson they should be as war this decision make this this reasoning time together with Christ it puts all feelings back into the right sphere it helps us to reengage our reasoning it's an excise like a muscle your brain is a muscle if you don't use a muscle What is it do it shrinks that's what happens to the reason in the short circuit got really small but the time you spend with Christ reasoning out you know I don't agree with God in terms of how I want to operate my relationships but I learned to come a reason and to hash it out with him he is that real if you need to hash it out with God and all of you about it and really really dialogue do it God is as close as a friend I found even with my husband he's my best friend and I don't agree with everything he does I don't. And there was a time in our marriage like I said we've had our ups and downs where I just kept to myself What is your brain do always done this to me always really mean he doesn't care for me and I just reason that I was not in my small I let my feelings take over always hurt me he's done this I didn't dialogue we didn't dialogue and my feelings and desires and my motions even in my marriage got so big that all I felt was hurt. I don't one time finally I think I ended up writing a big diary entry into my diary acquired for like 3 hours and wrote my heart out and I just handed him the book and said We'd this and walked off and how did you feel when I gave you that I was just like why didn't you tell me. You know I think if you love your wife you do whatever you kinds of please that you know you make sacrifices you make the change but because she'd love that reason to take control take to not take control sorry and get pushed away we need to communicate about this and when we communicate to the boats when change is not a straightaway imagine away was about 3 years I think I stored stuff up for right at the start of our marriage and the reason why I did that is because I hadn't learned and got married you know I've made progress but it's you know it's a learning curve communicating is the key and foundation to a marriage you get mad people like Make sure you communicate so let the sun go down on you and we have all of these formulas for what you should do in your relationships what does that look like sure I'm supposed to communicate with him what do I say when he's the person hurting me. I learned comfort and in speaking to my husband by learning to have confidence in speaking to Christ you know from a guy's perspective when you know when you know the desires questions emotions and feelings to take control and kind of short circuit the will you start to make decisions that you would not make. If those balance So for example. I see you guys are beginning I said that I had an issue with always needing female attention so from the age of probably 1213 as my sisters began to leave home because of the youngest my sisters were. Probably 1012 years old me some of them so as they started to leave home there was a natural need for me to go find the craving from other people so I sought to date these go from that young age and I didn't really stop up until I had to surrender to the Lords before I met my wife and as I started to get older and physical interests started to grow. Because my reason had shrunk I was only after that physical contact but then as I became a Christian I started to realize that those a particular person that was dating for a while I start to realize that what I thought I liked about how I did it because I was focused so much on the desire and the desires was driving everything so this is what happens when when you get married and you kind of have already gone down the physical contact route. Is that you get marriage because you've already had all the benefits of marriage before marriage you know get married and you realize what else is there and you start to maybe think that maybe it's the wrong person because now you're living in the same space you know as a as a as a as a female they want our attention it's not just good enough for us to be in the same house and not spend any time with each other this is one of the problems that we had when we 1st got married so we got married and were dating someone you spent intentional time with them you go out for a meal you go for a walk and then you separate and go to your own homes but when you're married to someone you know in living space all the time so in my mind I'm thinking oh I'm spending time with a because we're just at home together. But that's not intentional time you see what I'm saying so it's important that when you start to have the intentional time so when I was dating the previous person when the desires and the passions were driving everything all my time was geared towards getting something in return but then when I started to my reasoning judgment and morality start to grow I started to recognize a realize that these characteristics are not necessarily ones that I want that make sense so that's why when you've got this complete balance and also to help you to choose the right person for me Sorry but also I hope you got it was to help you to find the right person for you because one of judgment now you can discern she's not just pretty there's this this this and this I really like about this person or you know your conscience you start to think clean of course you know it's not just about what we're going to do tonight it's actually about how you doing today you know. Morality similar kind of thing so it's this complete circle here and they. Have a deeper connection is not just about physical intimacy. So then we get to the 2nd part of the dream in the 1st part so God showed you after he said those things to me that this is what you've done you basically left your heart open basically like a public house anyone can walk in and now take the full of your life and just you know leave you all the one that's left empty and broken with the dirty floor and then he said my mind's eye back to the room and I saw the go she was walking around and she was shivering shivering shivering she was free and she didn't even bother to try to clean the floor but she knew that there was she had no more rugs she had the she knew it was a waste of time and then she had a knock at the door. What no one knocks the door was open and one always walks in she turns around and she sees a guy standing there and he's got pristine white robes on and in his hand he has a red bucket and gravy on the bucket it says precious blood spilt for you she's a strange person he's nothing like what you want He's like let me in psych know who you are on a wall that's about we away and then she turns her back on him and she continues to shiver and cry and he just kept on knocking and wouldn't go away and he just had this somehow on his face like there's nothing funny going on here. He was a laughter it was love on the face and she didn't know how to recognize them but eventually she turned around. To me in just like you know what wife I got to lose sexual come in. And he comes in and he closes that door puts down his book I mean I holds that girl and that's her cry out he holds until she she cries I lost here and he says to a stunned at the door I'm back. Stand at the door and watch. And she does and then she watches him with just this look of complete form and admiration as he gets down on his hands and knees in his pristine white robes using that bucket he gets done in his and her mess and using the contents of that bucket he cleans the floor he throws away that rug he cleans the floor completely many put everything away and he stands by his side this hand around the shoulder and they stand and they wait and eventually she has a knock at the door because people have to knock him out because the door is closed she looks up at Jesus she recognizes that him and he goes. And she cracks the door open just a little bit she throws out a sign so we have a waste man or whatever guys outside there and it says Proverbs 164-6920 sorry do you not know that my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in me I am not my own and boards with a price so she throws us on to others out there and closes the door continues to wait with Jesus and eventually another knock comes to the door she looks up at Jesus. And from the door so she goes over to the door and she opens it and a guy walks in and you know he's got a little bit of mud on his boots he takes off his boots straight away and leaves them neatly by the entrance he smiles the husband doesn't go he walks drink to Christ he kneels down before Christ of course puts his hand on the shoulders lifts him up and he walks the guy over to that girl and holds them together and God is like this is the future that you should have and I want you to share this because you're not alone in how you treated your heart. And there's another part of the story that I actually forgot to say when Christ came in and he finished holding. As part of his cleanup stokes the fire he put fresh wood on the fire and you know start to get a warming glow and he put fresh bread on the table and then they were waiting so there's a process to the cleanup. And that's what we're going to go into the in the next 2 sessions it's the sanctuary if you think about that room there was a fireplace there kind of like the candlestick right you had the beige colored floor which kind of represented purity the whole space was a bit like you know the most holy place like a hall space that table that had the the bread on that was kind of stale it's like the table of showbread and that door like the door to the courtyard to all of it after God showed me that I went and studied the sanctuary and it blew my mind I was like early twenty's Adventist all my life sat on the message of the sanctuary for just it shows salvation it's wonderful you know this is a pathway from the door through to the most holy place it's about Christ and salvation as if I had any idea that it was literally a blueprint for relationships how I should conduct myself like I said I like I like something to follow I like to know what I'm doing I don't just like wing it all the time and God showed me not just that it was about relationships and how I should conduct myself in them but also how I could heal from the pain that experienced because of my poor decision making and it says in this book his robe or mine by Frank Phillips is an incredible book I don't know I think it's out of print but I think there's a p.d.f. online if you can find it I would encourage every young person to read that book our room read it repeatedly but it says as long as Christ has control Satan is powerless. Satan knows that he cannot overcome man unless he can control his well that's your decision making that's what Satan wants when God controls the well we still do the choosing We don't just become robots we still do the choosing but it is then our greatest desire to do His will and not our own when the will is in God's control the 5 senses are reduced to reason and conscience rather than feelings we then live by faith in place of feelings living by faith does not do away with feelings but puts them in their proper place it shrinks that big fat red section back down to give space for that reason and judgment so God's complete plan of decision making and influencing of the will can happen and I can completely testify to the difference in outcome happens when you allow God's complete cycle to be restored my guy number 3 did come along. And he was granted didn't mean that you know we would enter this wonderful amazing marriage because you know what marriage is I don't know I grew up on what Disney I had all of them except for Tinkerbelle and another one had all of them and what Disney means that you grow up and you meet Prince Charming and you walk off into the sunset and he's fabulous and that's just it even the movies you go you go past you spent the whole hour and 20 minutes of how long the movie is and the fighting to be in relationship are going to make it we're going to get together oh no she's going for the wrong guy they finally end up together and what happens the end they walk off into the sunset whereas the sequel of 2 years later still making it we don't get that Hollywood doesn't give us how to make it it gives us the whole emotional fueled let's just get the passions a relationship let's just get together but that's not what marriage is. It's not just 2 people that passionately find each other and have this well when romance like will tell me you married story how did you meet know that wedding dress that you wear go that you spent your life doing about it you find it and it's like it's the one that you wore dress that marriage ceremony that you have it's a call to arms because when you wake up the next day that's what we're going to have in our special for session which we want your questions it's called Real talk the morning after the morning after you wake up and you've been married now want to spent my whole life one thing to be married how do you live the day after so I want you guys to come back stay with us through the journey and we're going to talk about some real things about some great couples that are going to share their hearts with you. And we're going to share some more too. Because it is absolutely possible to find the person that's actually not that hard on them is not just one of those you know long married couples that forget what struggles like the struggle is real but it doesn't actually have to be and God doesn't intend it to be that way either we're going to share just how simple it can be to find that right person how you can actually heal from those past mistakes and make better decision making through the sanctuary so that's something you guys can go home with at the end of this we don't just want to have this great time a g. y.c. and then you go home and think Oh my goodness now what do I do you give me something to take home that I pray will impact you the same way did for me which directly impacted how when my guy number 3 came along things played out is very different so live leave you with this passage 1st Corinthians 61000 to 20 or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you him you have from God and you are not your own for you were bought at the price you guys a precious we are precious. Therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit which are God's the sanction message is a message of restoration it's simple it is practical and it is truly transforming and I hope you guys come back in 15 minutes so that we can get stuck into it because I'm super excited just. For those of you who can come in at the beginning if you can go to this website slot of the com and put in this code. You can start asking questions anonymously for the q. and a to see how it works when you go to the Web site Flatow Kong I'll leave that up on the screen now so if I don't want to do it the 3 or has any questions for me it comes it's one of the questions that get posted to. The more like they get they're the ones that we're going to be answering in session for life and I will shoot for its close yes. Jesus thank you so much for the time we've spent building some foundations about decision making realizing that we could quite possibly have found ourselves stuck in the cycle of Satan counterfeit one thing to do something different but with ending up doing the very things that we don't want to do and Lord you know. You know the desires that we have you know. Just our desire to find the right to be with them and also how to live that right marriage I prayed about as we go through the thank you message on expression that you would walk through just how incredibly simple your plan is for relationships and how we conduct ourselves so that we can find the right person without the struggles. The Hoff that characterize many of. You with us now I pray and thank you so much for your words. This message was recorded and did you I see conference by many or very few in Louisville Kentucky do I see the supporting Ministry of the 7th Day Adventist Church seeks to challenge and inspire young people to take a sacrificial initiative for Christ to download other resources like this visit us online at. Www dot org.

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