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Testimony of Christian Berdahl

Christian Berdahl

Presenter

Christian Berdahl

Founder of Shepherd's Call music ministry

Recorded

  • July 16, 2010
    7:00 PM
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good evening on the fourth evening time within your Bibles to revelation twelve dislikes of your protects for tomorrow morning as well I think it's fitting one's windows are testimony to put it into proper perspective and Revelation twelve verse eleven says and they who's that that's the church and they overcame him the devil by the blood of the Lamb Jesus and by the word of their testimony and they loved not their lives under the desk and tonight I've been asked to give my testimony and you can summon up by saying Jesus saved a wretch like me which is the miracle story because I was raised in a home where there was no Jesus there was no spirituality my mother was sixteen when she got pregnant with me seventeen when she had me my father was nineteen and there was no religion in any of their lives my mother was shipped off to church periodically as a babysitter my grandparents did not attend and my biological father his father eventually became a Christian but it was just his thing and my grandmother who was an alcoholic was not interested my mother wound up having to additional children with the same man and so us three boys on Christian my brother is Erin and my youngest brother is Brandon and my dad 's name is David so we have always biblical names that there are no no reasons for it it's interesting my mother says now she thinks it was prophetic to name the Christian because through my story when I became one my father did not want anything to do with raising a family he was just a young man himself he stayed with my mom he had issues with women holding down a job he did not want to grow up yet and at nineteen most young men aren't ready for a family and he was definitely that young man and so my mother found herself many times having to pack up the house and where they had rented a home and in apartments or and in individual homes and they had to pack up again because when you don't pay the rent eventually you get kicked out and so by the time of the first seven years of our life with my biological father my mother tells me we moved thirteen times that's an average about every six months and so I didn't have a foundation if you will I didn't have any roots in a homework and it seemed like whenever I came home from school it was a different home it seemed like so there was a lot of unrest my father was an alcoholic he also was engaged in drug use and he also was had a serious problem with infidelity and he would chase other girls and be inappropriate with them so my mother eventually really got tired of this and at the age of seven and my brother as three years younger in my my youngest brother is another three years younger and so three boys I'm seven and my mother finally decides she's had enough of his cheating ways is not providing ways he would he would say he'd be at work but he would be out in the bars or out golfing with his buddies how he afforded to do that I don't know because he wasn't paying the bills we were on welfare we read every government assistant type program that you could have back in the sixties and early seventies and my mother finally had enough and she said it's time to go so she on one day decided to pack us boys up and we all loaded into this little Toyota station wagon type of vehicle that we had at that time my biological father David was actually a truck towed truck driver a drunk one at that kind of an odd combination but a drunk tow truck driver and he came in from the rear in the driveway in and hit the back of the card began shoving us toward the garage door and I remember is looking at the back thinking this is not good and being concerned that this is probably not normal and so my mother he took often screeched out of there and my mom and my brothers and I we moved away we moved to my aunt 's house and actually at seven and a half seven years old writer on their my appendix burst and that's a very dangerous situation of my appendix burst and I was found myself in the hospital so I'm losing my my my family I lost my dad and it was a child you don't really understand why mommy and daddy had to split up into there was no abuse that I can remember from my biological father toward us he was he in my mother file a lot yelled and screamed at each other but he never physically beat my mother or her or us boys which was a blessing when my mother decided to divorce him I remember being in my pants for year of her homeland and they were explaining to me that my dad was not deliver this anymore and that mommy and daddy were going to be together and I rendered is just holding on to his ankles and crying inducing knowledge don't go don't go and any this has appealed me from him and he he left and he would be in and out of our life and see continued his alcoholic ways he continued his his infidelity issues are just chasing skirts as as as he would call it an and not keeping his job in and so he was in and out of our life in fact to this day mice the sad part of my life is that he still doesn't one have relationship with the boys and I'm I'm forty one and my brothers I can do the math or three years younger each one and he still doesn't think he's ready to be a dad and solicit a continual source of prayer for us my mother eventually remarried about a year after her initial divorce and she married Amanda under the leave unnamed and dongle research my past it's good that he remains unnamed because our life turned into a nightmare and while my mother went to work in us three boys were taken care of by babysitters my babysitter her oldest son molested us three boys and that created some really interesting things in the young boy 's mind kind of tweaking things that way we'll get into that little bit later as well and as we went forward in our experience with this new step dad it became clear right away that he was extremely heavy-handed and he was very much a an authoritarian from the beginning and a and he ran things as a little dictator and it was do as I say not as I do but do as I say and if you don't has will roll and my mother and I and my two brothers lived through eighty an environment that was criminal my mother would be abused and beaten physically beaten and abused in every way that a woman could be abused you know John sixteen thirty three says in this world you shall have tribulation I understand about tribulation I'm not just saying we got space I'm not just saying okay with it he would yell at a city and he would slap us in but I'm saying he literally would beat us and he loved to use metal ladles and would hit us over the head with them in and to this day if you take an x-ray of my head I have multiple skull fractures I was hit so hard in the head with his fist I had a grand mal seizure and I had seizures after that only controlled by medication in the world you shall tribulation I understand my brothers and I work might my stepdad eventually started his own business and we work in a metal fabrication shop where we would work until late into the night and and I was learning even at a young age how to run break presses and grinders and drill presses end and may contain welders and R twelve is him and I was learning all these things I had a great little skill set as a young person but we were exhausted and we would work into the night mean we go and get some sleep and wake up in the morning your latchkey children were we would let ourselves in after school do our chores he would come home from work and many times they cannot always been a time status to go work for the evening my brother was Aaron was so exhausted when they that he literally you fell asleep in class the his teacher tried to wake him when you get away from this jostling him she grabbed a ruler and what you are seeing his name is Mister Cardoza whacked it on a on the desk and he still did wake up he didn't wake up until he was on the gurney heading out to the ambulance and he was just exhausted we were mentally drained we were physically draining and emotionally draining we were all three raised and NR names were actual cuss words profanity is what he called me and him when he called my brother sent and we would amount to nothing and and and and our whole world revolved revolved around him and if she was not with us then we would all amount to nothing to threaten our lives continually and my mother 's life and so we had is being faxed dark secret in our life and in what we had to do was we had to go forward in our life when in public life and act like everything was okay animals immune you can relate I hope you teens unfortunately as I give my testimony around the world and in this country God 's hurting people the wood works and many even a Seventh-day Adventist family young people have this testimony and that breaks my heart my biological father was in and out of our life and my during this time he was the first one introduced me to be here at ten years old he gave me his my first beer he also didn't mind if we take drags on his cigarettes and my grandmother was an alcoholic my uncle was an alcoholic my dogs and everyone on my father 's side were laden with alcoholism everybody on my mother 's side I was sick and either had died or was in the process of dying or would die soon cancer bowel problems different kinds of cancer emphysema that sexy on my on my was my grandfather and so I have tendencies to evil on the side of my father 's side and I have tendencies to evil on my mothers side and disease on my mother 's side and I'm thinking wow I don't have a lot of good stock and in fact everybody on my mother 's side except for two cousins and my mother is dead due to disease and that my disease would creep up with me in just a few short years Romans five six is is really powerful you have your Bibles turn there together Romans five in verse six you know my mother was ungodly my father was ungodly my grandparents were ungodly my my brothers and I were ungodly might my stepfather was unbound in my stepfather 's family was ungodly and yet Romans five six declares for when you were without strength another little boy was I without strengthen at home home business in due time Christ died for the ungodly not yet understand growing up in a non-Christian home I didn't understand all the reasons I didn't understand that there was a God and there was a Jesus but when you live in America new cat help but hear about Jesus that's just the reality of any here that there is a God that there is a Jesus and there is a devil and I was never exposed to anything religious except for when my stepfamily who were staunch Catholics would take us to mass might my stepfather 's family they would take us to mask and what I would see these two people that were just selling the one one two another heavyweight fight and bicker and he and he would just deal of the time of the Bible uses despitefully use his wife Amy was just a very nasty man I can see where my stepfather had learned how to treat women and those we need him like dogs and and I would see this when they would fight him they would bigger they would just be so proven to each other and as we would step out of the car in the parking lot also in this halo when on the and and also they were nice people and thinking what a joke so what I learned early on was not only in my life are we to say in my life not only am I to the fate that I see my life I hate what is going on but I better not say anything and then I see it in my stepfamily might might might might stepfathers family were there living the same life she stated her life but she acted like everything was okay when it was time to go to church and so I was living at the side and they were living at the site and I just thought that this is what people were in church people living in the science can you imagine I want you to think about this because eventually I get introduced to Jesus of the otherwise would be standing here with you eventually I get introduced to Jesus just think for a moment how difficult it would be to not look at all the people in the church as immigrants just as a young guy have this already developing in my mind and my biological father wound up molesting us three boys he was high on the old and he says he doesn't remember the incident I was suicidal I infect tried to take my life I have a scar on my wrist where my brother Russell whom I found my hand slipped and cut the top and not the bottom and it's right there was a later doesn't matter because God is human and what happened was we were sold as kits and I grew up in a home where I literally we been tied up we've been tied up I didn't be I was with and I can't tell you the story is I don't have time but I had to go out and find my own instrument of torture and I had to go find it in an orchard and sit there whittled down the state after he talked to me for nearly a week what he would do it best day I came home one day and he told me to strip down and hold onto the bunk bed post any to get some laughs Mann-Whitney from my neck to my ankles had I had losing losing raised bumps all over my body in this world you shall have tribulation I my poor mother the amount of suffering she went through just and he used to love to grab your hair and just had to shake violently and punch you in and shut it down and so I was distracted little boy and I was living in a virtual nightmare my mother was living in a nightmare there seemed no way out and is continued on until I was a sophomore in high school and I remember going to this ski retreat early on and in and I think is about my sophomore year of high school and I was invited on the ski retreat was for a Christian imagery and I only went because the skiing was cheap three days for thirty five bucks and I said sign me up so I went skiing not because I wanted Jesus I wanted powder I wanted snow and so I went skiing and there is is a very was racing and he was a you know if we don't follow Caesar's head you know Daniel I have been saying this prayer with me you're in hell forever I thought here's another guy that wants to mess with if I don't jump through this hoopla about who then I'm in a burn forever so I say this prayer yes say the prayer will then teach me to prayer I'm rather afraid environment so I pray the prayer and I was taught that now that you said that prayer signed sealed and delivered you're going to heaven I felt well I hope it's different than here something happened alike I was so violent as a kid in an and I tried to take my life as I misaligned and I don't I don't not proud of any of that and I remember threatening like my stepfather 's life and we were hunters wait for my tenth Berkeley with him I got a twenty gauge shotgun and we would go hunting bird hunting mainly and I remember when he had just beaten down so much I finally just rose up which was a mistake because the beings in Delaware but I thought I was going to take his life and I told him exactly how was I to do it I had planned out I fantasize about it and it was going to be a terrible terrible hunting accident but even when I didn't know Jesus somehow someway he gave his angels charge over me and the crazy things that I did I never took my life my brothers and I we got damaged quite a bit physically trying to just not have to go work I even set my arm between to two wooden chairs and have my brother tried it just sounded great but this foot and break my arm I didn't want to go work with him alone in that shop because for worse when mom wasn't around so my mother had mentally checked out our family had turned a blind eye our neighbors acted like nothing was going on as there was no body I could trust my babysitters violated biological father had violated us mind my stepfather had violated as my mother had emotionally just checked out have we talked enough about the bad stuff can we move on no I heard it once said that the good news is only as good as the bad news is so for me when I eventually found Jesus and other words that sometimes if you don't have a rough rough situation and you have to be delivered out of it sometimes you don't realize just how good the good news is that you know eventually what my mother came to because I went to child protective services in high school and I said I not saying this is happening on the same what if this type of thing was happening and because I cannot trust anybody when I was afraid I was if I didn't know how things work I went and told the council what was going on they would approach my parents and then my baby in trouble you want to say so I just felt very helpless I said what I knew of something like symptoms of weather balloons and I think what this is what they were happening and I mean what would you do not think it is the same one at one implement and finally this counselor really got my trust and we came up with a plan and I stabbed my two parents down and I said as of today the beatings will stop if you toss one hair on any of our heads there will be investigations arrest and jail time note and he was like armed missile heaps of any so I'll say this but are not screaming and yelling profanities my mother went diligently after him because she had become so wrapped around his finger as she couldn't even see the reality for what it was and we were just built-ins just so messed up and finally my mother came out of that room about five minutes later and said why are you doing this to us you will never get in trouble and I simultaneously has led to what is going away at half and innovation act having a independent hers away I knew what real pain was my mother would spank me with a wooden spoon was not being and so finally somehow some way I experience with Deuteronomy twenty verse four says I will fight for you and God went to bat for me I didn't even call on him but I can look back now I can see how he met me and somehow he gave me courage we strongly encourage right I don't know how where I found this church because I was such a beaten-down tech that had no self image I had I had no self respect I was just just be that I was a counselor is Monday I would never amount to anything somehow someway I was inspired that what if I hear to believe that there could be deliverance my mother woke up praise God and she saw the hell we were living in so she came to me one morning as they were moving and were leaving as it wishes it were notices that were leaving and I said where we going just as we were leaving I said I'm out I know you set out where we going since his know you don't understand I'm losing your stepdad and moment in my life was the most freeing up to that point because when you're down in your own press and you're told you will amount to nothing and you got epilepsy and have seasons because you have so hard to get all this junk in your life you really really were really leaving and yes Sue talk to the police officers she had talked to the family findings that were leaving and this was about time you dumb woman as the elder but nobody is willing to do anything until she made her decision and redline me if I don't come back to that point that a woman's decision a wife of a mother 's decision is extremely powerful for the good or for the evil and so my family came to our rescue they showed up on the weekend on Saturday the police had instructed my mother to take me a lot of the guns along take all the guns all the nice enough against the take all the ammunition out we had a neighbor come over make sure all the chambers everything was cleared out because we didn't know what he was going to do he was okay so we didn't know exactly what he was going to do so we had a police standby they were there with the police car when she told him and praise the Lord that they were there God put people there to help us and when we moved from I was born and raised in central California we did a little town called Nancy got and then from magic we moved to another little town called load I stuck in low value on a song with S S I think words written on about I'm not sure and I'm eventually got stuck Pomona but what happened was when we moved from there there are romantic it's a load I he's trying to continue to be in our life and he would call me and say I have had a present for your meeting at the lake in new I miss you on this one coming you know what present do you have for me you think this one through in Lansing said I said to me so I wasn't impressed by his little shenanigans and he was trying to take to salvage his relationship I suppose I don't know but when we moved a lot I I just was free and I I was a messed up kid and emotionally young teenager and I I needed elective in high school and so I found myself going and asking this teacher if you let me into the theater program he said I'll let you in my class at the audition for my show and it's a wonder the efficiency said the auditions are infected with one or two days in the best day of the next day and I said why I don't like never I've only been once sure my life because Mike my cousin had been and in the high school theater and he went on to professional theater in becoming an actor and all that and he asked me to be ninety degrees and the kids so I did my first show when I understand a couple of lines and cry while I had a lot of emotional baggage I could pull on and I can make myself so that was a plus apparently anyway I found escaping theater and and and what I would do is frankly I was I was really good at was really good I was a natural at acting you see because I had to me after my whole life I had to act like nothing was wrong I had to act like everything was okay when it wasn't we stand there in front of people and he would grab my mind on back of my arm it just didn't interest it him there is no everything okay the movie was crazy so I was I had already learned how to act like everything was okay so when I had to become this character was amazing for me and hast friends not the also excellent at the craft of making a leave and acting have passed like I have we have been actors our whole lives and it will culminate to we had a lot of this and so my brothers decided they'd they went off crazy they went into all kinds of things drugs and alcohol and in abusive relationships themselves and for some reason my mother and I we just kind of were normal people and I was involved in theater she would come in and help with selling the costumes and and every show I auditioned for I got the lead roles and before you know what I was in bigger productions and bigger productions we had a production in high school that went to the Soviet Union for two and a half weeks away toward all across the Soviet Union doing a big-time high school show and so now this is a great way for me to escape because I could escape through all of these other characters and forget the nest to do that I actually was you see my grades were bad I had to repeat the fourth grade because I couldn't even concentrate you want to know HD ADD ADHD ODD I had every initial probably on me because of just the mess I was there was no such diagnoses back then but I would be removed to listen well drunk you are and so eventually my brothers back brother right now all the way up to modern day today there's still drug smuggling drugs and out of prison and not mine my middle brother Aaron is facing animal facility prison but he's a convicted felon who was caught with a gun again and balance can't do that anyways got lots of charges break for my brother Aaron please in fact pray for my brother Brandon he's doing really well remarried and we just found out this today his house was broken in and he was wrong soap you pray for Brandon I would appreciate that as well and so I found a state of fear I got all of the lead roles that I wanted and I had a man in there my theater teacher his name was Mister Linda I thought weird name Mister Oran that date and you know did you get the idea well you know everybody peters gay and all the things you don't think about probably as much of the Mister Linda and I get in your program sure it's on getting all these lead role and you know what he was the first man that just encouraged me and he didn't mess with me the first man in my life I'm seventeen years old now and finally there's somebody in my life a good faithful Catholic man and he would take me to lunch sometimes than others to lunch and we would sit there and just talk about life in different things as we sowed he taught me how to sell and I had a knack for selling and and I would sit there and learn my lines and I was treated very well by him and this is like the first bit of trust I ever had with a man as you can well imagine well I got interested in television production and then as my life progressed and I went to college at unity College I got involved him in production and in radio production I started broadcasting on the local little college campus radio station there and I was really interested in television I grew up a television junkie and we watched all kinds of movies and then I was just an absolute addicted television and movie hauling and I began to look at a house development I began to look at Christians I think it developed in my college days when I began taking a lot of quality classes psychology child site I started taking all these different kind of classes because I wanted to help young children that had been abused like I had and so I started taking these different child psych classes American family always different things and I saw just how bad my life really what and as a child as I went to work at this regional regional adolescent treatment program where I was a counselor and I help these young people through issues like and relate to them on a level that many counselors couldn't and I think Christians out of the house I developed but I thought Christians were prophetic I thought they were a joke they had to believe in some be healthy that sat on the heart and sat on a on a cloud and stun the heart that you know everyone on old and it made him feel better and I didn't understand how God there was such a powerful God why did he not deliver me as a child and I remember even crying out one day and the deliverance never came until much later in life so I eventually started it while I was in college I began taking a bunch of self-help courses and I read and I and I is I knew what was messed up and I had had a relationship that started right out of high school and lasted for four years with a woman to start opposite teenager became a woman and it was a massive relationship I didn't know how to love I do know how to give limited not a received love I was confused on the a lot of things that we can physically as you can well imagine being an abuse and the less the child and so I was just a messed up guy and I I I was just not catch I was always not a cat I was a an emotional basket case and I had baggage baggage I had baggage can you imagine so with me came all that baggage well what happened in theater was as I was going to college I I continue to theater and I got involved in regional theater in Atlanta the lead roles in everything I won awards and I was written up in the newspaper interviewed on the television and all the things and some aikido was growing and growing and growing while all I was a mess and size on the outside I looked good but on the inside I was an absolute mess and guess what I was doing in my whole life I was an actor again I was at the song because it would allow you got the world by the tail it is doing great at and I I remember I got involved in production pretty heavily and I started to learn the craft of making television and I I started to do a little thirty second commercials in the sixty second commercials and I started actually videotaping the most exciting view can the city Council meetings while I had arrived I was a camera guy is calculating up and I had convinced the director and you sit there you love comics I sinuous at their new reader comments on lockdown one of the cameras is as retailer people and in a director and we went every week and so I was starting to get some little production means you know and so I would sit there and I would say one of you just look at your your your comics and all the rest he's like I like you come over doing so show me how to direct on anyone take one can wonder lives of a time to get nice and I start doing this whole thing and and so what happens is I is really funny start on time to get into but almost lost my job because I was videotaping and broadcasting to the whole city councilmember sweeping when people are going exciting life all eminent domain and all the stuff anyways a big mess and I was lost my job but I thought wow I like this TV stuff so I continue to grow in my television skills and eventually I was that was producing and writing and directing and editing and shooting and enlightening everything and I and I just love it I had a knack for I don't know how but I just had an active mean since this is how you need to be and so on I I got involved in a a business with a business partner and he and I wrote a business plan and it was a hundred and twelve page business plan and we did very well we raised a lot of money and we were on the road to success it was a production company and so we are leaving out a lot of amazing details I was I was from nineteen twenty twenty one right and that whole AIDS right there I was I was just my life is going well and eventually we brought in a third partner my initial partner left the the scene when I left my girlfriend he went with her so he had to go to another guy violated me so I said I was doing well and so we were making big money eventually our company developed into three different businesses under one umbrella company and I was making good money and I was doing really well and I had a nice car I live in a nice condo I have nice furniture I thought I had nice friends and I was in theaters still burning these lead role and so I'll tell you a quick story I eventually left theater like I can't say that I made the conscious decision to do so but I had an event where I was the lead in the so-called big River and off-Broadway show I was housing and an big River is the story of Tom Sawyer but told from Houston standpoint and so what happens this update is the lead role I was called the comment do they show because I believe that happened at the end of part was leaving to go to Juilliard school of fine arts in New York so this was a big role and obviously the one I have filled it was very competent he gotten accepted into Juilliard and so I had a friend of mine who I worked with in the past visit look I never thinking was that replaces God we still have you know a couple months left in the production process and that in the show and the and one of my friends as I know the guy I know that so they called me up I went by Christopher Golovin not Christian and a call to Kristin and I went there and I auditioned and they gave me the role with only how much it paid and what was immediately the role right there on the spot and he said you have two weeks to prepare and understand this is a two-hour show in Houston leaves the stage for about three to five minutes it's a script this day and it's it's it's top ten with dialogue to two weeks so we can maybe give you for I said I'll take the floor so it worked out to where I have the four weeks ahead I sat there and I studied it and I studied it nice that he did I was very good I'm not boasting but I was very good at what I did I studied the character I learned all those lines I learned all the different songs and I was I was I did very well and that night we had a dress rehearsal and that the director calls a piece is okay were to have a dresser is my kisses Chris's first time budget also expected to be late and I have starts and stops as I would work out my blocking and Ellen sorry submitter should be here whatever it was an that night came and we went I pray that my day because this kind of creepy but I did I pray this is a time I did knows Coltrane but I was talking to my dad cousin Chris he had died of AIDS in complications of AIDS and he was the actor and he was very good at what he did and so I was at the essay please help me to do this I need to get through this and so I believe I had a supernatural experience now let one but a supernatural experience where I became possessed I believe that not cool thing to say but it's the truth and still I went through that night and that I went off with only two problems and both of them were not my issue it was a problem when we have these mechanical sets that would float in and any economy float around taking around the stage and everything and another one will be upset flying in and it was an issue but it wasn't due to myself and we were done with that night the director said we got our man and the whole crew just applauded and cheered that's it was my niche it's is what I was good at I can state I can fake I could act and I can see and so the what happened that either the last night curtain of the closing night at curtain call at the end of the show I would go off and walk off into the wings there's an orchestra over here on the site and they're playing it and that the conductors are doing his job and I would sit on the steps over here and Phil is my queued all the other people would come in and enter their curtain call on the net the main principles with common and since I was the star of the show and they would all turn the music was wealth and a dog do this kind of thing and I was up on the big stairs tonight I come down and everybody cheers and we always pushed for the always pushed for the standing ovation you know because that's the payoff for the actors and so I'm sitting over here on the side and and that my cube comes up I'm not writing the bayonet is unusual because I was always were needed to be a clockwork and an Alabama conductor looks over at me and he's like how it all again in high dissenter weeping and signing and I'm so upset he is thinking probably because the show was over as the last night I'm upset because my friends even in the story okay okay I would like oh so here I am not because in the story and and Tom Sawyer befriended a black slave and that was a no-no in Italy he was killed and and I must say I'm distraught because my friend Jim is there and I'm not Chris anymore I'm okay how extent and eventually is like that all men are you relaxing music is turned around and appeared on Ellen I like this I got it on autopilot I'm coming down like I run downstage and and the Lindsay Lindsay and swing zero the crowd doesn't anybody think they'll was planned or something you know in an unlikely that you will live your life and I know what you but eventually I be now there are some things that happen in Hollywood that most of you don't know and most of these people in Hollywood who argue stars and stocks have these experiences and they themselves even say I got interview after interview of of of different one saying the big start seeing yeah when I joined the character I ask that that character would possess it's real my friends be careful the devil has left Hollywood alone and so you'll understand why I actually teach seminars on entertainment and different and that is because I know I was entertainer and so I was very disturbed by this and I never acted again I never ever pounded as a compound of the boards again I I I hung up my thespian ways and that means to be an actor and so I hung that up I went and I focused all my time in the business and so what I did is I went into the role if you will all mean the businessman now and my businesses went great I was making good money and my life was going amazingly well and I used to joke that I would fall off my wallet that's what's money and probably break my and so if you'd like was refinement no really yummy no one caring right now and things were going very well and then my business partner who was ten years my senior apparently decided that she needed to get wealthy faster and she had embezzled our companies into the ground I thirty two employees and every single one of them had to be let go and thirty two employees is a lot when you're twenty one years old it's a lot when you're forty or fifty one it's a lot of people to be responsible for and so I was receiving a paycheck I was paying the paychecks and and I lost everything I could not recover the companies and get when you have a nine thousand dollars phone bill that's pretty hard to pay overnight and so your phone bill and you say how I would spend it well is because we had a phone solicitation room and we sold coupon books and bubble blowing a lot of things going making good money and I lost it all my mother had remarried my brothers were still in and out of prison and in and out of jail and I just was a mess I all programming of my childhood came back to a number of mounting the new piece of be be be be and I wound up believing the lie for a while and I moved back in with my mother she had remarried to a good man praise the Lord Stephen on the Bible and he even arrived that's amazing I've been going well you know I made on my inverse of the Christians now is strong and so what happens is gone I didn't know was God but he he takes me through this process of just really humbling me and I'm introducing the scope people call Seventh-day Adventists and and they were all in this business called Amway the sisters are in your giggling because either you were or you are are you know somebody that was or is anyway that you don't p.m. become rich to get the money did you know that kind of people so anyway I my whole line except the diamond the one who makes the money the whole lime rather missed and I remember I was dating a young lady and she was a Pentecostal now I went to church with her because I really liked her and I wanted it on her father 's bedside so I was acting again like I was a good guy and so I showed off and and it was very interesting I walked into this Pentecostal auditorium and I see there I mean the flyer is as bad as I don't be like that again I mean our salaries I know but it looks like a party and there is there having beer there there's the devil appear and then there is God over here in these Angels in Oklahoma my going people are really good at this you have to understand where I came from professional added making money at it and unlike man I could really blow these guys away I made I could direct them maybe I can help into their path Hank are all over actor come on you know drama cleaning cleanup there anyway that's where my mind was as I'm looking at all this and and and and I'm thinking that it is this don't have a place here because you understand I have that experience where I I I became singing on it was impacting it was thinking an unthinking acting and speaking in church that's interesting I I I didn't quite understand why I didn't like that I understand now but I didn't understand it back then and so I I was with her for a while and she said you know I I'm thinking this is the long and I'm like or even close to proposing maybe you know and and and God 's telling her something different and that is he is not the one in she said I've been praying about this and you're not the one I've always seen myself married to somebody that works for God need like a pastor and evangelist and was interesting I said to her that day I don't because I was acting or because it was prophetic but I said to her I'll be doing that some day she said and so she was out of my life and so I find that I'm taking all the self-help course when you're in Amway everybody wants to give you tapes and self-improvement no as ethanol these antennas people were giving me all these tapes and stopped to listen to when I said if you do this and that and that you'll be rich I get three times more than anyone etc. never got rich but one of my roommates was madness of fourth-generation endings and he and I decided a room together because of me trying to put my life back together and concurrently during this whole time I was still doing production and I was actually working as a manager also at Blockbuster video just to make my husband is accurate is to make yes me and so I get back on my feet and I moved out of my mom 's house which was quite a humbling spirit is very living with a roommate and started to rebuild my life financially you had to borrow a bicycle to go on job interviews I lost everything I lost everything the one computer and some clothing and Michael so I rebuilt from scratch I had a six-figure bankruptcy at twenty one years and I'm thinking can a guy catch a break in a bad childhood you know being abused and beaten by your peers stepfather molested by her biological father nestled by her buddy Allison and I'm mistaken but in all a bit of digging down it just reinforced me in my mind it is enough in my stead devastates all about number one and I'm number one is what he would say and so I decide that philosophies all about me and that's what it's all about all about number one and I just went forward and I trust my president Chris and I was doing video and audio production as well professionally making good money again doing that and then I was digging any job I possibly could introduction I didn't care for was on the cable company an independent producer whatever was outside just getting the job given the job to put up that AP beat everybody I'm back in the trenches and I'll work for you a producer at a local cable company called me up as I have a job if you like it is it all right what is and is is four days long here's what it pays to just be a four-man crew three camera people one director you would direct great what is it because it's a camp meeting as it was a candy as I don't know meetings about camping and I said I like camping I'll take the job now you're laughing because you know what he has I will and thinking I grew up camping like camping that sounds good to me so I find myself on the grounds they are in load I California agreement as the milligrams and I am looking for this guy named Danny and he is putting on this this was a and in this this can meeting and I've been looking for this guy finally find a diseases like ten blocks good-looking guys like you know a item you don't like hey how are you and them Chris and his eye on Danny and so were talking and I said so I'm on the director here I'll be producing this rate I sit it out to talk about what we need some cameras camera positions and they really like any handheld cameras like the tent demonstrations and stuff him please let the what I said hello and is attending right music to an economic unit at it and taking it is that I think you only like high altitude cook stoves are acting and all the meetings you know you want on the campground there is there's campers and motorhomes and ten and ladies wearing dresses with hiking boots you know I'm thinking that it's a meeting right well what I'm an intelligent person on foot and two and two together so then I I I I see you know always people that are accurate around Bibles and someone like you know as it will will let everything is okay because everybody knows none of these are religious meetings of people and I love they and I and I thought my producer he's not going as I called like then I said you know the zigzag is to be differentially so I'm sitting here just a few men in my crews with recounting on this is going to be interesting I'm like death this is even worse than the city Council meeting no so I'd say I was setting up camera can't believe it all these people were in suspenders and a wearing suits in this hot hot hot weather and they look like Moses many of whom they have called his facial hair you do know that there is a Harrah's offensive the people and I can help you target the clean-shaven young and business model I was so new one anyway I taken all the self-help courses I knew you didn't wear facial hair right anyway that's silly I I I find this guy and he's out there and he's the health evangelism he's talking about the abundance that gone and anyone are up there on stage with his open a zip lock bag he is talking about island on the country as were supposed to be unlike I like the city is like eleven hundred and eight as we got them out there is plenty of cards and everything that God has given them all today into town and I was pulling out of the driveway on the side and edible wild plants these are very easy to the unthinking online you know but he was sold to think I wanted to say they do now I really like this guy he's talking about are you feeling satellite now tilted that you know anything are you lonely unlike you I need on his like are you are you needing solid and will steal up in a help in the link you are like you I really haven't man and everything you say you like how does you want to continue like this how does he know that I'm feeling this way you got troubles enough I do not hardly I got paid them unlike you have no idea she has no key how much pain I have in my heart in no idea how messed up I am as a discount on his other pitches whether you're talking about Jesus and when you are ready for analysis of five yes I have heard in talking about you know Daniel Daniel never compromise think and I like that I like a guy that won't compromise because the whole life had been edited I and and is talking about all these meeting that would stand up for him and all that he doesn't understand the minute if they were honest and you can trust an online now one most people like that and he was talking about all this and Daniel ADA all that is known to God to animals he refused again you can enable it on I didn't eat at Burger King Nebuchadnezzar and he didn't even all the art is about a lot McDonald's because guys got a funny enough anything is also thinking pulls the beauty was your vampire while giving us to hear what I'm saying you are you suddenly know that we presently not going well and think you're talking is there something you know and so wholesome and begin on an majoring blog is mainly in looking at this guy up there was like forty something years old he looks like he's in his twenties is not used pan let's been thinking as you and so I'm thinking to myself and finally explains Paul Nashville 's metal sieve okay let's get the case were saying I thinking these are strange people but I liked what I saw I can explain it to you but I liked what I saw there was something in these people that that were different then the people that I had met in the family business and I started to this to see because this was what what people call an independent tent meeting I didn't know what all those things meant but these were a people who were really when anything I said and then I have met these other avenues that it seemed like they were trying to be like me but still something that making sense and so I saw earlier on this this is exactly like these two groups is the dichotomy there is an item I saw the movie and record all my thought is that once delivered critical I thought wow these are interesting people there what the Bible calls peculiar on many levels I was sick I was I was having issues and I stare a lot of details I mean I had I had rectal bleeding for a year I had always had things were going on with my Long story short Danny and I have begun a friendship he asked me if I would come and I would videotape messages on Sabbath for him and I I said well sure it would cost it is much and he says no I I don't pay unsoundness than I don't shoot on Sabbath I think that's how I make money that's my profession is what I do and so finally he he told it makes more sense and so I went my shots and stuff pro bono forum and and then I brought my girlfriend her name was Kobe and I brought her with me I said yeah I want you to come in here with this guy 's teaching and this group of people and I said that I think you need to wear a dress gazelle wear dresses and I don't together for the hiking boots but you can wear a nice virtues and so we we went to him we went to this is being a salicylate with me on the first day and she was just like get me out of your seat she was raised in a home that was atheistic and and that she was taught to feel sorry for people who were Christians and the really bad thing there were just really deceived people and that we really needed to do not feel sorry for them and so she was a site Salas I just know thinking this is really gross to me and so she didn't come another time she never came again and so on I was sick I wasn't feeling good and I had decided to jump full-time in the production again forget stuff like family forget everything else and I was just going to go forward and as I've learned one thing about myself and that is fancy many irons in the fire and the contrary one to the other eye I can't do both well I'm done Mike all or nothing and so that's just how my mind works and so I decided nothing else I'll just do production and so I decided to jump into film school and focus in on just production and doing production and so we moved to Santa Barbara Kobe knife this point moved in together and that we were boyfriend and girlfriend this time and I was down in Santa Barbara going to get made to go to the Brooks Institute and I was working in big-time production and I was making good money again and many of my debts were starting it cleared up and I was working for Nickelodeon PBS ESPN and all these massive things shooting commercials national commercials and all this type of thing and and my resume got really big and very very successful and I my girlfriend Kobe I got her pregnant and this was kind of exciting to our family because we were told that she would never conceive a child due to some damage from again when she was a child younger teenager but she didn't conceive and we were excited about that her parents were excited about that my parents were excited about it I'll be honest with you I was not excited about I was terrified to be a father can you imagine why I had no one two looks to no example in my life and I was afraid that I would abuse my children that I would be heavy-handed that I would be a mess of the father and so I wasn't excited about I was terrified in fact I have so focused on my career I didn't care about a family that point and Danny calls me back up and says we'll go with me down to them to Mexico and shoot a documentary on alternative cancer therapy licensure because in America you can't help get cancer curing get well that's against the law here these naturally ABC have to go to other countries to do this and so we went down to Mexico and I began to shoot this documentary we had issues with the camera I believe God intervened in my life probably not a lot of details but I went home knowing that after my blood was drawn and they did tests in Danny's blood look like a twenty -year-old might look like an eighty -year-old who was ready to die my blood was disgusting it was dirty it was messed up on my cells were just a couple of things that were all lifeless no it was just the next and so I went home and I immediately became a vegan vegetarian and I started getting better and I want on a heavy Gerber protocol and I was delivered from two different tumors that exit came out one day as I was going through this protocol I don't know their cancers I don't know their polyps I don't know what they were on his work as I called the lien as you like a knife lost that's all I know that was like freaked out by this you know and had I had cousins of mine I would've probably stuck in some something had attested but like my bleeding started go away all of my digestive issues and everything that I had started going away I started getting stronger I started getting healthy I could never put on weight I was assimilating my food I had issues has so over a couple of years I got stronger and healthier and healthier I can literally testify to you that at forty one years old I feel like I'm in my twenty 's except for sometimes my sore aching back but that's because that's what I left all that up to twelve years old when it ran over by a truck and it stunted the growth of this lake and it to my pelvis and inbound okay anyway there's a lot of junk in my life that I've left out but that's okay we don't care about that because the good stuff is coming up and so what happened was I got involved in that big-time production I went down to do that that cancer therapy video things didn't work out I want to find on sick I didn't become a vegan Kobe became vegan as well overnight we both started getting healthier happier unfortunately she lost the baby at four and half months and I was a very trying situation because now the revelation that the doctors are probably right she would carry a baby to turn was now the reality inside I have to confess I was a bit relieved because I wasn't ready to know way at this time on twenty hours twenty four I think twenty five years old and I was just still an emotional basket case myself so we lost the baby we moved to Arizona where Kobe 's parents had moved from California to Arizona and we were living together and weave we got a condo together and we were living there and I could not find a job in production and I had a great resume and I could not figure out what nothing and TV nothing and felt it just didn't make sense to me and I know why now because God had a plan but I wasn't calling on God I was asking forgot I didn't want I want a success I wanted money and I wanted it to be a filmmaker that's what I wanted to be and so my girlfriends got this great job at Blockbuster as a manager she was entreated to be a regional managed manager and we moved to Arizona Chandler Arizona and there I find a a quandary I can't find a job production and then something started to happen in my life over time that introduction to Danny and those interesting different kinds of administer and then that I liked and respected I don't want to dress like them but they were interesting and I like it and so I decided to I stopped cussing I started getting healthier I actually got a Bible I did read it but I got a Bible and I started listen to Christian radio news music and I was a good guy I was a good was turning away from my former livestock didn't drink and smoke I wasn't cussing anymore I had a girlfriend in and then God starts to something in my life and I'm not even asking into I don't know how to pray I'm not praying but he started to convict my mind and say no Christian when you are intimate with Kobe you have this child it would have a child and and there are consequences for your actions and you're not even married to Mister and I and I'm thinking why am I having these thoughts because everybody does that that's that young he got a test on the car before you buy it right that's the best the idea here so I I told her I don't think we should intimate together anymore she's like what I said yeah it's just you know I don't know why I love you and I I like you to either really and indeed like an love with you we were best friends and I said but I don't think we should be together like that as is all right so being in the same bedroom like that is really difficult as we really like each other so that I find myself sleeping on the couch I'm thinking what is going wrong with my life now I don't understand what's the deal still can't find a job production and then I'm thinking in all it's just too hard to be in the same house with you because I really like to add here really pray and I want to act like I'm married to you and she said yes so I decided I needed without timely job and moved in with a coworker who smoke drink was a meat eater all barbecued like a ridiculous is that it was like a tent and I love the smell of barbecue housings why am I being a Gilead asparagus okay think you and and and here is a barfly these bringing different women home I have multiple times a week and unthinking I hate mine I was going on the job production and not with my girl and living together anymore and living with the devil I die I don't like this and God 's going hey what's this guys work really good and and so it was like God was was was turning up the heat and finally I just went to him and I guess I decided on leaving and so I sent Donna California for a couple of weeks and Toby had said to me you never coming back at the one SIM I love you here here I said I'll be back in so I took off to California I had a great desire to see my original Seventh-day Adventist roommate and he had moved down to Loma Linda it seems now with the girl who was a fifth-generation administration was enrolling in Loma Linda so I go down there to think of school data and video then again eat everything so I'll go down there and hang out with them while I get down there and they decided to live off campus so they can live instead not married women sin even not wanting to live in sin whom Moon my mind 's going click click click click click click click I think this is their part of the group that's different than the other group of the campaign so makes sense guys I'm not trying to judge I'm just telling you my story and this is what I saw as an outsider looking in because friends the reality is the world is looking for a I know are different from the well all because I will do so I decided not to stay I was devastated therefore for three days and it was scheduled as I said forget it I left the next day because it wasn't his hypocrisy it was this Elizabeth Dean that really irks me does that make sense and so I had a desire to go see my friend Danny because I didn't think he was an actor I thought he really believes any tribe by God 's grace I didn't know those words but he really tried by God 's grace to live up to what he had learned and so I thought I can at least know that he's trying and in his life is different and so I when I talk with him and telling him all about my life and I'm telling you how it all I think he is what's going on there and he was always happy always invited me to come over as the landlord sees always been the awesome vegan food on my dad 's not real cheese isn't enough that's not standing I would like you kept on going I said I was not like you ate fake is that there's nothing fake about him I know this better than what I mean my whole body he didn't have and have the fake stuffing he had real food and there really wasn't you is an amalgamation 's sorry I have some earlier subject so I been converted so the idea is I'm looking for someone with different I looking for this guy and I don't I finally is running his ministry what's going on they can then assemble nonetheless of you know I'm no longer with told her we were together but were not even like together intimately together I said and I can't find a job production is a exit I don't know why but I'm living with this guy that I love the roommate I just pennies a day like when to stop doing that in any start slapping anyone like this is not learning is falling apart and music Christian I told you a long time ago as though my Christian because I was one but just because I thought it was a better name and I said because I told you a long time ago I believe with all of my heart got had a calling for your life any and I said well I don't know what that is out even know how to know what that is in you know that's a nice angle you're playing Narragansett nonanonymous monolingual and so he began to witness to me and I'll tell you what my friends God did something for me that day that changed my life for Africa I sat there precisely what he wanted to with you I said I'm always saw myself an introduction in and doing something big and I don't know how this is that I've always seen myself down presenting as an actor but maybe it's like that as I guess self-help dire something about of thousands of people and you slap me is like is a very interesting essay but I don't want to be in front anymore because it used to be about my big fat ego might have a something is wrong before and so he was the editor and he says I know you do production but what else we are the skills I realized that I was reading up resume down I still live on my own companies I I managed thirty two employees and I'm good at office management and an ill event coordination speed which should stuff with the proper ROTC unit down in Hollywood and also stuck and I said so I on I got our list of things or not he has no I could really use a a man like you in my ministry and I write I said also the job isn't really an right then God does something amazing for me he played of all things a videotape in my mind videotape of the video got its kind in the north your artist maybe he shows a picture I don't know but as as a video guide TV Guide he showed me this film in front of my mind and any and I knew somehow I still can't articulate this but I knew that God had allowed me and brought me to this point in my life and I was about to make a decision that would affect the rest of my life I didn't know how I knew that but I perceive that I don't that makes any sense to you but I I was there and he said Christian and an intimate I'm sure it happened like that but it seemed like I spent fifteen minutes with the Lord right there and any said let's go let's go and I thought to myself how the world what I ever take the job to serve God because God never been there for me to Don and ever help me out was that the sound that was meted out in the seasons because I was so hard I got the Gunderson 's replacement degree and he played this videotape in my mind I guess it just is clear anything Christian he says your mother made some bad choices when she was just a young child she and she was having a baby when she was just a baby herself and she was put in this situation because of bad situation bad bad decisions in an year-to-year biologic father was there and when I never did I was there to help you and protect you and I didn't feel like the Lord and all was going on in my mind and happen that fast I'm sure any starting to Sony music you know your mother made decisions that I couldn't overrule because there's rules of engagement yes I am the God of love but there is an enemy out there and he had access to the home I didn't and fortitude that didn't understand anything theologically that was very deep to me but I I somehow that makes sense and so I am initially he said you know I couldn't deliver when you are being wet but that's what an and you work you have has crisscrossed the raised welts all on your backside from your ankles your neck when you stand there holding it I couldn't deliver you what you think I went to as all I could do because of the rules of engagement understanding now is called the great controversy I didn't understand it then and so he sat there and get my credibility in my view I had to I know I was there with you I could vividly when I was with you I just was broken and I was crying and I couldn't believe it Alicia will need all my life Christian I preserved you can take your life I do try I like angels or niche on the oldest of my life and I knew right then and there on love and the I had a speed near me father I have father for the first time in my life and being fatherless and you say that was a father that wasn't there medium but he was taking it with you you continue to sell the understand and so I can shortly top half there is an error in your you don't want to burn in hell you don't it's good news it is what it want to learn that felt painful and so I gave it to me you'll take the job in right thing I knew I was making a decision for the rest of my life I can't tell you how I do that but I you Mrs. seal take the job and I sent you all take the job and he offered me a ninety day probation as he was terrified of rate at hiring a non- Adventist even among Christian and still he began to teach me a little bit about Jesus and the plan of salvation and I gave my heart to Jesus I said yeah I get it he was there and you and I I came to an agreement to work there an end job while living to one half years and and I went back to my girl in Arizona Kobe and I told her I I want to be with you I said but I need to be there and I can than to go to work for the ministry until these brothers like what is the health ministry unlike I don't know is a major syndrome training terrorists all day unlike from Ali I don't know as always like what you do and I said I don't know on and videotaped sermons of you would have a good life and so the family just take me home I should now in sack over his Father's Day if you have anything to do with that man ever again you are not my daughter you are not in the family because in their family prior to get noticed before but some of their family members had become Jehovah's Witness and egg I apparently they were taught if they don't turn and join you within a certain amount of time you leave them and so this family members had left the family and they were deathly afraid that something like that was good happen with their daughter they protected their I can blame because it's been a lot of junk done in this world in the name of religion and so I left and IV dances to study and one of the first books I was in color was called a prophet of destiny and o

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