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God Invented Sex Part 3: Sexuality--Struggling and Striving

Alan Parker

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Alan Parker

Professor of missions and evangelism and director of Pierson Institute of Evangelism at Southern Adventist University

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  • October 16, 2010
    4:00 PM
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why God as we tackle a difficult subject as we deal with the problem of last and sexuality help us to experience your plan for our lives a plan way love is demonstrated with sexuality is powerfully used for your glory and Lord where we struggle help us to find grace to help us define the ability to get up to try again we pray these things in Jesus name amen I have had several people come into my office sit down in the chair opposite my desk and tell me help me I'm addicted they'll explain a struggle some of them since the age of twelve thirteen an ongoing struggle when they discovered pornography in their dad 's house on the computer in some cases they discover that their dad was addicted to pornography and they fell into the same trap and then as we were talking about this I say have you have you tried to stop they tell me all yes I tried summary times he does like Mark Twain hot you know it is easy to give up smoking about a thousand times and then I realize that what's going on is much deeper than what I can see so we talk about strategies when I first started having people sit in my office I've simple solutions you want to stop what's wrong with you and then they would try and they couldn't stop because this was something that they were addicted to cite one to suggest to you that there always that God is calling us to deal with the problem of addiction so we deal with sweet pots yet the cycles of less than the problem addiction the Bible 's powerful answer to the last cycle which I'm woven into some strategies and tools for less let me give you seven strategies that I believe of the legal that will help us to deal with the problem of sexual addiction because God emitted six amen but even though he and six we still struggle with it it's still an ongoing struggle anyone can never struggled with his sexuality because you need a doctor because the sexual person is a person who is struggling to live out God 's plan for their lives in a six saturated society so let's think about what an addiction is how can you know you're addicted and this comes from the scientific literature and son just got to take what they say and and put it up yet no one you can't stop one gentleman was sitting in a seminar on my cyclists being held by a speaker on sexuality and a new is just not interested he was kind of looking one way looking the other and then when the speaker started to deal with masturbation the guide is bloated out what's wrong with masturbation I do it every day and so the speaker looked at him and said well I just have one question congratulations but can you stop the guy was quiet smooth and say another word for the rest of the seminar comes on the any civil why would I want to stop anything that wasn't the question question was why would you want to stop the question is can you stop so that's one way if you can stop if you find yourself keep going back you're addicted if it's getting was you develop intolerance the kind of things you would never have watch before you now find yourself watching the side of addiction if he uses it to manage your feelings and moods it's a mood level if you're feeling high use of the precept out if you're feeling bored and lonely and depressed and anxious use it to bring yourself up if you using it to regulate your movements of the sun I think that if you continue despite negative outcomes of potential negative outcomes some intimacy you could lose his job you could threaten your your future spouse and/or your spouse that you just don't care about the outcomes you don't care what happens that the sign you're addicted you're having six and you know that is a danger that your girlfriend over can get pregnant or you could buy in up with an STD you don't care because you are addicted or you experience swings and this is typical note addicted person goes on to do it this time I'm really on top of it in his fire and I can't get this thing baby will spend in tying well done for a sentimental gold away White House twenty and you haven't done it with chocolate salt you may be addicted to chocolate you swaying from I don't want it at all and to wow if I don't have it on I've already fallen on his available the way so I'll question is are we admiring or desiring you know it is what is lost to begin with what is this problem of last it is one thing to admire God 's beautiful creation on speaking to the guys in its another thing to desire to have been beautiful creation make kids and in your bid you understand what I'm saying it is one thing to say well you know there passes what God has made what has gone wrong with my beloved wife blockaded a nuisance but it's another thing to strip that glistened down and depersonalize them and to go to the Internet and to live that lustful thinking take overall lives Jesus healed anyone who looks at a woman in this from the ESV with what lustful intent is not just is not just admiring its desiring has already committed adultery with hello what did his high missing the real problem Jesus said is not just the action is what's going on in the hearts is what's happening right here inside of your pots of the biblical wood five Israeli the same as the mind so ha ha it's really about what's going on in your mind where have you allowed your affections and your attentions to go out and there are people who when they end up in severe adult free old pornography and they say and I just don't know what happened I said I can tell you what happened it happened with something that started in the high it wasn't just that you watch pornography it was what was going on in your mind in between I noticed this from James chapter one verses fourteen to fifteen describing the problem of last every man is tempted when he is drawn away of his own less the woods the last day really means selfish desire he's drawn away of his own lust and enticed notice the first one the desire the second one the actions these entice and then when he does this last win last and enticement have enough wind that conceives like the baby being born it brings forth what certain and this is readying sinfulness and certain sinfulness when it has finished its work brings forth death let's put it into a little diagram we see we begin with the last last results in sin sin results in a life of sinfulness and a life of sinfulness will ultimately need to adapt physically so the problem the heart of the problem is right over here if this desire that leads to sin and so needs to a life of sin so we can figure out what to do with his desire of there is my beautiful one I love you I do not last year 's letter to him I admire what God has brought all right so yes this is passed the mouse and wonderful business of the paper visit that will be brought questions so last is where we begin we need to understand what's going on desire this one lasts is really another willful reckless seeking of those and you don't have to now having having not looked at this and worked with a number of our people in this area I can tell you what happens here are people getting boards they feel worthless they feel down they just are looking for something business restlessness and with this restlessness they start thinking you was organized to feel good and what makes them feel good that it's never going back to something that has can give you intense pleasure the sexual acting out because when a person is bald lonely or feeling down this is my experience so people create a fantasy in which they experience the excitement of someone catering to the needs and fulfilling that age in their hearts of these lie is really a socialist challenge wrong the dual get that desire is a thirst to draw the problem is meaningless less a lack of focus and worthlessness our lack of love so why does a guy and not in a sexual acting out very often because he's bored and he has no purpose and his life is meaningless why does a woman often end up in sexual acting out because often she feels worthless of a lack of love in which it said she translates that into live in one following the basic idea yes the last is arising from these two problems take a look at yes I love what Jesus and Cynthia when pleasuring is easily and instantly accessible can be produced on demand and experienced repetitively i.e. Internet porn coupled with self stimulation it becomes addicted very rapidly the brain forms habits with the greatest of ease and windbreak experiences that title way of endogenous chemicals triggered by Internet poorly climaxed it immediately sets up noticed this a mental model and the foundation for a habit so it can replicate this powerful process more easily you'll get that to what goes on you get intense pleasure in the brain says hey I'm feeling down I know where to go I have this pathway dismantled and I can just plug into Angelo place to cover my pain in the future when the brain experiences notice the triggers stress anxiety boredom loneliness pronoun etc. and seeks relief as such is through its memory banks looking for the quickest easiest most potent solution Internet porn and self stimulation and if there at a button secretly no one knows about it by you you can do chemical addiction and how long will you survive if you are strongly addicted to drugs probably survive at work and in society running a very long at the wealth that stuff will come out that you are addicted sexually and most people never know you could basket that are not what's going on inside and the problem in the church we don't talk about you know we just donate happy Sabbath how nice to see his wonderful breaded Liana you are adding major problems you are broken and hurting inside he displayed a tasty little slut have said that having seven heavy for him to decry new in Europe because we don't know how to really connect with each other the church should be a place of healing is a place of we really deal with us so what happens like on this is from sexual addiction recovery resources is that you have a fantasy you have a ritual that you engage in viewing pornography or some other way of engaging in rituals when you act out your fantasy but when you acted out what comes next shame because how can I do that what was I thinking why did I go that far and and it can be really terrible some of the things you may end up acting out because of the fantasy that the shame makes you feel so bad that now you mainly bank is there and your brain is looking for some way to feel better about yourself so that you end up eventually back in fantasyland and rituals of acting out your fantasy way you indent in shape again which only drives you further into fantasy see the cycle yet the cycle has its Abraxas down again in Houston says because we lack real intimacy we then replace it with fake intimacy in this fantasy world of pornography viewer imagines things like an forgiveness from the male perspective she wants just me she adores me on his side craved lab this is an infinite image but this is what goes on the viewer sees the experience as exclusive private it's just me and the open audit of the experience is seen as exciting pleasurable to blue and privileged each of those are important she's allowing me to see her naked giving the façade of intimacy exclusivity loyalty and trust in all of this is easy convenient instant and cheap or free it does not require the risk and work of developing and nurturing a true intimate relationship what's going on in our world today is a lack of intimacy and I see this because we are surrounded by strangers and we don't know how to really connect it takes hard work to be in a relationship make it easy it takes hard work relationships bigger zero you are having to work through differences in your having to really be vulnerable and go through the pain of growing their relationships instead we said oh they can intimacy one line is on Facebook how they phrased you have on Facebook and why Google the new France because they signed you up not because there's anything real significant and special you have an look through any difficulties if you don't like the new just you just hide them and so we don't know what real intimacy is in all kinds of wealth my wife mentioned Dillion a cold mention about how you can't just deal with the fruits of a sin you have to deal with the roots if you just come in and shop down the weeds what will happen after a few weeks they'll grow right back so we need to figure out ways to deal with the root of the issue and the root of the issue is last is a desire for great intimacy and meaning and focus notice Jeremiah to mistakingly referred to the earlier for my people have committed two evils they have forsaken me the fountain of living waters and should the mouse systems broken systems that can hold no water so what are the two cents tell me no one second the fountain of living waters of the two Junot Pro consistence so yeah we can see they are so they should pay for sacred fountain and they therefore see broken systems because we don't have genuine intimacy with God and others we look to broken systems like pornography like sexuality and that just makes us feel more broken and instead of going back and fixing the problem we once again forsake the fountain where God is and we go back to the broken system notice the cycle all really what we call idolatry crazy missing with another person but we neglected the deep intimacy with God so we end up in codependent relationships with others or even with the computer with an addiction because we are we are not willing to take the risk and vulnerability and the pain of building a deep intimacy with God so what is the root cause of sexual addiction at the root is a desire and those that is good at core aching and hot shot I need intimacy that are going to God we go to broken systems know what is a broken system a broken system is a place where they used to hold water in ancient times and it would hold it so they could drink water from it but you go to drink water and when you drink you feel thirsty in a new Coca-Cola fence enough directly refutes you notice you can drink called and never be satisfied and even notice that you drink Coke and makes you thirsty llamas you don't drink up so I'm nontenured because like my background so when you drink some things that make you thirsty and we go to these broken systems expecting to experience some satisfaction that we leave empty-handed when we first came just the cycle of death we the list we go to the broken system and the broken system has been a satisfying us makes us feel shameful then we get caught up in pain and boredom because when we shame we feel worthless a week or we end up running away from it and just getting bored and it just makes us thirsty again and then we go back to the broken system in which only reinforces our shape which reinforces our pain and boredom and which only reinforces out the list this is a cycle of day I want to suggest to you that God has a cycle of life when we first we go to the fountain of living waters when we go to God and he heals out in the first week supplies that in the first we experience peace and joy this says that made us feel our need for God we find our clients then deep into loneliness is filled up with God we find corpus and intimacy purpose thanks Carol Borden intimacy takes care of our worthlessness and in this process as we engage in pubs and intimacy we discovered again that this was so powerful that we have a greater thirst but that this needs us to fountains of waters and peace and joy and intimacy this is when we become rivers of water and from less even as we thirst we find ourselves growing more and more into life instead of in today this is God 's plan for us sexuality so I want to share with you seven steps to victory seven steps that I believe will help us deal with our sexuality number one identity reel playing admits your helplessness by the way to this ABC DEF G number one admit your helplessness you can fix the problem you realize that you can fix it there's a bunch of us who think of we just do this or do that we can fix the problem take a look at Romans seven was fourteen to fifteen we know that the law spiritual gas law says they'll shall not commit adultery and therefore Jesus said that means you should last we know that spiritual intrude but I am lots of spiritual and sold as a slave to save Douglas laid get to choose what he wants to do no I do not understand what I give what I want to do I do not do but what I hate I do have any of you ever experienced that you are slaves I'm a slave concern so the reality of this is you can fix it now who is in here was the main person I IM the problem is my problem I am a slave descent and I can I can change nothing in the right day instead of just telling you that you're helpless I would be telling you that your hopeless notice what comes next so now it is no longer I can do it but sin that dwells within me is there now said is just you enable the luggage and I can send these other two for I know that nothing good dwells in me and you ever felt like that I'm worthless nothing good dwells in me that is in my flesh but notice that what is that nothing good dwells within me what is a it's really sad sin is that nothing good dwells in me I am not the problem set is the problem let's say you have a dog and every time this dog follows you home and invites you and any clings to your leg and it comes inside the house and is biting you beat up on yourself when you beat up on the dock day I know you'll pick lettuce yes some initiative used another illustration but I want it out of there you can get rid of the dog either errata Southall you're not ready the problem the problem is the dog 's I want to give you hope you have that you desire to do what's right amen you desire the good thing what is the problem the problem is sin sin is grabbing a hold of you and it's it's biting units pulling it down and we can have to figure out what to do with that because our promises all like ropes on sense and may even just picture that you can't fix the ropes is that you can't depend on it your promises God I never go to do that again I understand the use chocolate case God I'm never not have another piece of chocolate cake thirty minutes later would back the cutting another slice your promises don't seem to help so while you may be helpless notice you are not hopeless take a look at verse twenty five wretched man that I am that's feeling like you're almost hopeless the notice is not who will deliver me from this body of death thanks be to God through Jesus Christ alone there is victory can you say Iran there is a chance that you can break out of those cycles and and God knows that because if a problem is within we need help from about you can fix yourself but thanks be to God through Jesus Christ nice desktop than a work list one what was a admit you are helpless you can fix this be you need to break down the strongholds without we live in the welds second greatest industry says we do not wage war as the weld us the weapons we fight with are not the weapons on the welds on the contrary they have what divine power to demolish strongholds we demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God and we can't take captive what every thought to make it obedient to Christ the problem is with in the mind soon as come in and grabbed a hold of my mind now I design something else but my mind is captive they would that there was a way to get out of this is through Jesus Christ he steps in but now there was a pot that I have to do notice when it is I need to take the weapons of Christ and I need to use divine power to demolish what strongholds one of the strongholds in your mind now when I started thinking about this my only I recognized my father was a sex addict my mother had played with Ouija boards you know what those are where she was try to determine the future and should gone to very strange churches my stepmother was believe she was in ancient Egyptian priestess and was reincarnated down but then I said well you have four step kids aware handful which direction are you going anyway this is when I looked at what was going on in my background I recognize that they had placed Satan strongholds in my mind and urethra the Bible you notice that we ought to repent not only of our own sins but I'm off on the sins that have impacted on us and I I began to see that was strongholds placed in my mind that what it was stuff that I did as a child it was stuff that I saw because my brothers were really wild and I used to come in and bring them to you in the mornings and they would be another woman in the bid and and they were movies with wine around magazines and I began to realize that some other people 's sins and through my own since Satan had established strongholds in my mind what was I going to do with those strongholds for stories I'm going to go in tackles it in a kind of armor I cannot build up my momentum had dying young but I think that Lyndon will interview the drivers doesn't look the greatest battle is the battle of surrender instead of attempting to tackle these issues in my own strength I needed to take God 's divine power and my role to surrender the strongholds to surrender then take a look at Romans six this is six through eight knowing this that all men with also fine with you that surrender is not allowing yourself to be crucified why that the body of sin might be done away with so that we should no longer be slaves to send these men and for he who has died has been freed from sin if I'd died to that way of life I said free now we died with Christ we believe we will also live with him this was the power in Christ he has the ability to put to death the sinful nature he's the one who can deal with the dock what's my role surrendering the strongholds praying God I know that an angry because of what that heritage my father gave I surrender that stronghold because although he sinned against me my sit is my reaction to his sent I surrender the stronghold I pray God that you will remove that connectivity of Satan 's fortress set up in my mind and that you will take care of it you will deal with it you'll like that that would rattle those gates and an release that stronghold that Satan was set up in my mind God I am praying for forgiveness was taken place in my pass them onto a prey through the past and then start praying to this the present because I recognized as I battled through the past it was the fatal sins against me the pain of abandonment and the pain of my own since I had to let go of these pains in order to understand what I was really thirsting for to release the strongholds in my mind so the book inside out by Larry Crabb the process of becoming aware about the restroom in my civil unions of this is terrible but to explore and embrace our deepest hoods puts us in a small company of those the people who because they field if those know what it means to come to Christ in deep and quiet trust are you listening to this experiencing of those so the find John is the solution the resident managers deny his pain behind a façade of togetherness is dangerously vulnerable to developing compounds suddenly sinful habits because he's not dealt a death blow to the wrong strategies that blocked his enjoyment of the Lord the unrecognized and logically I felt a goodness solve still didn't answer you he's right for being hooked when he stumbled onto something that provoked provides a flash of excitement and a sense of fulfillment the momentary relief of that core eight more closely resembles the experience of joyful living than anything he's not it brings them closer than all of his efforts to be obedient and a half and that's why I'm seen so many theology students who were not coming into my office saying I am struggling with pornography why because gasoline God and they find about this wonderful Sabbath sermon on the Sabbath experience but come Saturday night they crying in hopeless shame on the floor because what happened is well that was serving God there was a core ache that was a mix and they came back looking for something to fill that Hank and the incident was right okay and told the blessings of the Sabbath suddenly disappeared in a moment because they didn't know what was driving into repentance I believe is God 's meaningful to God 's means for curing a pain and giving you real intimacy repenting Lord I'm surrendering a strong call for admitting you step in just like the Holy Spirit comes in with his big vacuum cleaner and started vacuuming up the dirt in your house and he gets to one group and is a fortress that you say don't touch that room of special wrist pain and the adhesive I need to get another dog but I can't break it down you've got a one locket could we do this another day because I'm a pain inside a delight on a deal with all so I open the door and yes and the filth come out but they comes in God 's vacuum cleaner is an end room is clean and it is a related claim God 's powerful scripting ship the tennis thirteen says that we have a way of escape amen that with every temptation there was an escape God 's power is present in the midst of every situation this is Christ object lesson Satan explained that it was impossible for man to obey God 's commandments and in our own strength it is true that we cannot obey them but for the Lord knows the best but Christ came in the fall of humanity and vitamin Sputnik to obedience he proved that humanity and divinity combines innovative in one of God 's precepts can say that is when we connect to God 's power use hand coming down and move dance and bringing this up that we have power if you believe in God 's college because you never experienced your helpless on your own but you don't hope because God can step in and make a difference D decide to stop and interview all great if we just of the first one peg I gripe I'm releasing this route all I'm getting it all to you I'm claiming your power but I will stop just yet because I want to have one last fling that's the one lady told me she said I want one last fling and then I'm ready to get baptized I said that no you need to make the decision now I'm not leaving this house you are never going to baptize your cows will extreme but I was saying I'm not leaving this house that you make that decision as I know if I leave this house and you go that's it that's the end of the road she had to make a decision to stop right away that's what Romans six was found thirteen says therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body that use of Vegas in the flasks notice what it says one of these was yet do not and I was again and do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to send but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead and your members of instruments of righteousness to God God wants to take you as his instrument he wants to take your body and use it for his glory he wants you one day to give your body in a glorious relationship with another human being he wants you to be connected with him into mission what he wants unicellular YAG EL that was up as instruments of righteousness they make a decision today this is your opportunity to say when you are on the judge is that I don't log so I remember there was a young man in my office and I said to him let you go to make some decided changes I said you got to get rid of that computer he said no I can't find you for assignments is in the light green is a computer that you can look on the computer wow I think about I signal you need to make a change that computer is just sitting the guy had a generally and I said no he thought of you say you got to get rid of that computer this is why this'll canonize I said I know I get the updates when it means nothing and you just go online I Isaac gave the covenant eyes is not helping you right now you know it's always like a challenge and see if I can get around the system know if it was a life you been lying why does it matter if you if you have accountability accountability is not to fix the problem right now you need to simply get rid of that computer I said give me your Internet cable I can do that I said I want I want your wireless card and Internet cable market investigating the computer I really needed for assignments you can six seeing if you're not willing to stop Uganda make that first decision is an addictive cycle carried this stage they are stopping points now this is going to be very direct but this is the nature of the seminar stage one is the best stage to get rid of this problem because once you start in the cycle it's very difficult to stop stage one is looking at pornography if you are in this if if you can stop right here if you can if you can exit and determine with God 's power and strength that you will take an exit strategy prescriptions ten thirteen you are it the best level to break the cycle but is doing at this stage to then you are reinforcing the chemical cycles yet you reinforcing it and then you go to reinforce which saves three which is the remake you need stage for states to estimation and orgasm stage three feelings of guilt stage for the need to feel good which leads you back to stage one looking at photography often in between yet there will be a delay sometimes of a day sometimes of a couple of weeks but unless you break the cycle given in trouble so what you need to do in stage one you need to put in place strategies to prevent you viewing to make sense right thanks to you for some reason you do end up viewing accused you can still escape you can still make a way of escape if you do not masturbate if you view pornography on being very direct if you and him masturbating in a stage and when you hit stage three feelings of guilt you can also listen the cycle if you recognize Jesus ability to give you grace I'd say if you fall if the devil makes you for one stone for his four oh four is like twice by feeling so guilty that you don't feel like you can approach God as we went to previous seminar that's not guilt that's a shame and then states for it when you need to feel good you can break the cycle by feeding your new life in God recognizing that just those two intimacy is best made in God in each one of these stages there are things that you can do but pray God your up at the top area chefs seem to delight in God putting plates and strategies rather than in the bottom area that would be the ideal but if you find yourself yes at each stage will listen the dependency cycle that chemical cycle that causes problems stagy engage in community almost every person is sexually addicted has told me that they are they struggle to have meaningful deep community with others say they struggle and part of that reason is they want to live a lie so if you want to live a lie how can you really be open and vulnerable with us to the community small groups are probably the most powerful antidote to less than the problems of sin did you want to for one said Chastity is not non- sexuality but positive interactions with the opposite sex or with the same six depending on the situation Jesus set up something called the judge calling on the community will love could be shared at the most powerful rebel that's the purpose of the church to show love to be real and that's the mean we can have to the church differently simply going and being a spectator is not to help us deal with our sexual problems what we need is to be able to get together and to share now not saying the first thing you should do is walk up to listening up hi my names out of pocket on a sexual addict how you do not get a feel very good about the about having that but we need a place who we can begin to become real and share with each other area F flee areas all blasts so we you know when you're struggling the Bible says this in the youthful lusts and so you need to find ways to get out of danger and done so when you decide to stop you've got to start determining how my getting it out eventually what ways might a business of practical things yes install sci-fi 's will come in and eyes give your computer password to someone else if you're involved in a relationship that is sexual you need to get out of that relationship this idea that will just be friends know you'll end up with friends with privileges is not the work you need to get out need to flee those areas that are causing you to get into last if your friendship group is a problem if the if the movies or the music you watching our problem we need to break out of those areas because well he was still in those areas you'll never succeed when not I used to help people stop smoking the cigar they hung and I think Amelia cigarettes and they were going gets boxes of cigarettes in a given given to me I said all right is that all of it I don't I think so I said what you do look again sure enough stacked in the back of some of the day they would bring down another box of cigarettes less about what was this for well I just knew that this would help me to show that I was strong I said no that when we get back to being weak this figure of those things and that we've we've gone into people 's homes we deleted everything off a computer budget you need more than that get away from areas of last figure out what causes you to fall in the last points yeah grow in Christ as as we get together with less this is a process you can simply fix this you need to grow together in Christ's day you know me and you together we move towards God that so we need to do together help each other it's not happen overnight so must think that God got a little zap machine of God please take this away from me neither does Paula I'm not sexual anymore could this be a problem when I get married anyway that's God is not in the business of zapping hombres and taking out our sexual desires when he teaches us how to engage in positive relationships with those around us so that our sexuality can be expressed the way God intended insane and all right we have time for some questions I want to just think through the ABCs young to put them up on the screen and we are that I have some questions I know that somewhere you're going to hungry stuff you need to leave I as we go into Q&A kind that's perfectly fine those of you who want to exit I do want to remind you that what you become what you wait is more important than what you waiting for and that it is for freedom that Christ the soonest we stand for then and do not let yourselves be buttoned again by yoke of slavery let's pray and in those immediately and even it will take some questions by the God I want to thank you I want to thank you for the people who have come into my office and walked out on the process of freedom I want to thank you get what to thank you for for the freedom you brought into my life for the beauty of the relationship that is intimacy without shutting I want to thank you Lord that you've told me to depend on you to satisfy my deepest is a group you some of them are struggling with sexuality and not to sexuality Lord with addiction when you have a friend who's struggling with addiction form community to help them visual power the evidence in their lives and maybe make a decision right now today that this will be the beginning often use stocks on it and ask for a raised hands about him I am asking that within their hearts they raise their hand and say Lord Jesus I long to be made whole find out my wounded us cleanse me from my past and the strongholds of the devil and make me the child of God you created me to be we pray this in Jesus and I wanted to say before we go into the Q&A we have with Michael we have found Michael is wanting to start a group that we don't want to define it by those who are struggling but we want to say those who wants God 's purity in their lives you may not be struggling with an addiction but you may want to fortify yourself against that and so Michael is planning a group when you're hoping to meet Michael you met twice okay Friday after Vista 's way nine thirty but where whereabouts in your apartment which is Spalding again is there anyone else who is hoping to start a group anyone else here all right I encourage you find others let's make it real yes we have some questions and we have some on the present as we may call them up like Chris and I hear you have questions about home and anything you share don't be shy in question and you are and will in as he yeah he all right energy delete we understand I would like you to stand up everybody to stand taken a deep with all right raise your hands to the sky then on to adults who is in prison again presented in eleven outings I'm down Henry lacks but I feel better all right noggin after you set again all right jazz watch okay for this question is it still lasts if she's your wife is a still less that she's a wife felt hopeless on six is ministry ministry so that the other person may become more of who God wanted him to be the actual purpose is essentially selfish I see that as abuse of a husband-wife relationship if your focus is essentially self the purpose of six is to build intimacy and simple unity so when a husband 's asses wife you know based on a misuse of Bible texts to submits to his wishes and to do things that she is uncomfortable in doing is that love will last and last so it is possible to be less even if it's with your wife what should my friend tells me if they are gay and I think one of the guys would be best to deal with the object surely handed over to the Catholic answer that what should I say if my friend tells me they are gay and volunteer you both been on my at the fact all how different had to come from different perspectives what would you say that what would you wish that you will need to address what men the difference for me on as an effort like I said I was at the top of my game it was an interest in leaving the gay lifestyle number one it had been reinforced for thirty years that I was as day so what made the difference was Jesus Christ only it's none of your business who I sleep with but it is your ministry to to show me who Jesus Christ is so my sisters were always kind all my friends and always accepted me into their homes secretly were praying that that the Lord would touch my heart what was amazing is my brother brother-in-law 's baptism was when the Lord really introduced the Holy Spirit to me in a powerful way and as it became about Christ when you accept Christ as your Savior then let him deal with who you sleep with or what your sexuality is an and so don't make it about it okay unless somebody is asking hey I'm gay and I don't want to be that's different but if you want to minister to someone day the worst thing you can say is I'm praying for you all is so condescending and and and it really doesn't communicate Christ in my opinion thank you that's that's a great answer we went to questions that are essentially the same I used to be addicted to porn and masturbation I've not done either for over a year and a half now I'm still struggling with mind images I don't know how to clean myself and then the one that's similar to that how do you stop daydreaming so I want if there's someone he wants to tackle that one yet prohibits victory daydreaming was for me the way that I ate from pain in my childhood when we just have the other two which is right here on Italian I is akin to item is definitely one of them as they needed for me daydreaming was a huge thing not just sexual even when I was a little child I would date from pain by pretending I was somewhere else by making up stories that I had a tremendous imagination so that's where I went and that was very difficult for me to overcome especially when I got into reading fiction and I can go wherever I wanted with my imagination and escape from things on what was most helpful to meet with actually not focused on it I wasn't like I was viciously trying to stop daydreaming was very difficult for me but as I started finding healing and Christ I was no longer driven to daydream and my date because he was taking my pain on a dental take a lot of effort there were many times especially from you and I go to bed at night that's when I would start making up stories about where I wish I could be in the things that I wished I would do all of those things but that was when I chose to start focusing on Christ having a prayer life and I would pray to God about the things that were on my mind that I was struggling with and that helps me if it's something that is always there you know when you have a temptation that that been crying for so many years you can find yourself easily pretending like well maybe it might just make up this little happen so when you find yourself straying into something disk key is always to focus on Christ and not focus on developer try hard to fix it yeah I think that serve the greats a great way to do it because the more you focus on Christ Lewis refocused on the things of this world anyone want to speak to the mental images struggling with masturbation for many years and it is starting to thirteen so imagine that pattern for me several times a day so on the bottom line is a breakthrough really came when someone really broke down for me the script it is says let this mind be in you which is in Christ Jesus so okay so I got it that you know I could hang in my phone or something and have got it in my hand it but the difference is is to get it inside it doesn't do any good in your pocket doesn't do any good in front of you it has to be indwelling in Christ mind could he send no can I help the images that are coming into my mind no but if I give permission and again it is surrender is really the bottom line and that was the hardest thing guys would you agree is surrendering to that and asking or giving permission if you would because Christ never forces but if I give him permission and it was as simple as that when he came down to those issues where I couldn't stop the flood of images in my head I would give him permission and within seconds I was off thinking about something appropriate and those images were burst where's before I would be powerless against them and I'm sure the weather is masturbation or any other diction were all struggling with that inside right is to have another Wednesday is sixty four marriage is soon even though it's done in a truthful way doesn't have anything to do with the commandments do not commit adultery I I think behind that is adultery seems to be something for married couples use fornication is said but I guess that's the question does this mean only that you shouldn't cheat on your spouse so I biblically I isolate handedness as is is yeah absolutely end and my experiences no one ever said man I wish I had more sex before marriage you know that so I like the analogy of stealing stealing is stealing from your future spouse and within the Bible it talks about sexual immorality very clearly with them the tunes are having sex with somebody who is not your wife or your your your husband in fact if you are having sex outside of that covenant relationship it is considered to be a sin within the Bible and died they were very high standards about the kind of purity that was expected of our people going into marriage and sometimes they were even check to see all these people virgins I wouldn't advise that kind of approach today but there is something about God intended the special relationship between two people yes I is on you yet would not win up blaming them for what the guys doing with that but we suddenly saying that you're making it more difficult for the guy and then I would say don't don't advertise what you are not selling you otherwise that's not blaming that the latest of the guys can trace in that way I will love you yeah absolutely especially and things are changed it used to be that ladies would say we know that we not as visually stimulated but that has changed in the last ten years the amount of pornographic usage by females has doubles of what it used to be and so if it's growing at a tremendous rate so we we do have responsibility men as well Chris reform goes both ways all rights yes okay I hear if you how to appropriately show affection in a dating relationship six-inch rule nevertheless intimacy get ahead of commitment and a good principle if you are the ultimate commitment is marriage so the greatest intimacy should be reserved for it marriage so what is appropriate before that and you know it this is tough some of it is culturally defined in Africa the guys the African gentlemen hold hands in Zimbabwe they just walked hand-in-hand with in United States job that has on the other connotations but I never get without a fine night I freaked me out a little bit when my senior pastor came up to me as the associate press and he grabbed my hand and we walked on out but everybody did it and that was considered appropriate within that context so there is a a certain cultural definitions what's appropriate in South Africa they kiss you a lady a married woman came up to me and kissed me nonetheless because the Afrikaans counter that was acceptable and I like looking did your husband to see that ad and their metaphor where it was this is how you greet people so there is a certain cultural definition but I will set tell you this society is pushing us to get this sexual and affectionate privileges that are way beyond that level of commitment in the relationship be Frank about this for just a second on the one of the interviews with a Christian organization was talking about and I believe that this affects seven cabinets also but on now with the whole Bill Clinton thing that it's common knowledge in Christian circles with the use that oral sex is not considered sex and that the percentages are over fifty percent of young people to believe that you're still saving yourself for marriage if you only if you only do that and so I don't understand that but it I think it has to do with the fact that we are letting society form our opinions about what is intimacy as absolutely and we did a covenant for them if you want to tell them about that I guess when when we started dating we decided to write a covenant between us and we included our physical standards we we says that allowed no kissing or prolonged our intense fighting out idea I knew when we start a girl under intense hugging through this very clear line when suddenly it was like okay we should stop but it was very hard to stop when we were in a prolonged our intent tied I think one of the things that's really important if you know everybody had this standard as well this is what I think it okay oh well for me I think this is okay and that's really not a way to make a decision while my standard said that in your standard said that we go back to the word of God think about you don't you marry somebody someday and you're in a dating relationship with the person you're not sure yet if this is the person you're going to marry hypothetically right and if you are dating a person you're going to be married to them someday Widefield green pizza from your entry the longer you wait for physical intimacy of whatever kind the more rich and meaningful it could be because there will be more loved because you'll know each other better if I hold hands with somebody I just met yesterday it means nothing to me right because we don't really know each other when I hold hands with my husband is so rich and meaningful because I belong to him if you're doing things for the sake of getting a thrill then that's not really love if this person is going to be yours everything is going to be yours so why should you rush into something let it ripen let it become the leader in richer if this person is not going to be yours then your statement taking something that they're going to take away from their next partner rights in their Sunday spouse 's benefit well you did that with this other person to write nothing evil to hold hands with somebody when you're dating them near in a committed relationship that that's left up to you between you and God and your conscience but realized that whenever you do some things like kissing dramatically elevate sex hormones in at least some people body but certainly been measured it's something that's really make some people think about sex so you know for my husband and me we made that commitment we kissed each other on the cheek but nothing more and I was terribly hard when I was leaving Africa and leaving my fiancée are not in a field for four more months I have to say to buy him a little peck on the cheek and squeezes hand by honey him them him so wonderful I was so worth the wait you know there was only one moment in our fall wedding day when I was nervous and that was when it was finally time to catch him only bid if you can give me I did place my whole life to the guy without a thought yeah and you get a kidney in an hour out our groomsmen rated the gifts yet I know I'm a little R&R at a value that kids are just people before he and his people before that kid was so large that anything I could've ever had anybody else because it meant well much we love each other so deeply that was such a powerful and wonderful experience feel that from yourself or I read have through the questions over here and I just currently handed them out so we were in a begin on the side this this question and children pretty much the same if the cycles of addiction it you mentioned that were viewing porn breeze masturbation wealth brings shame and then leads to not feel good what is the what of the triggers if the traditional porn what you do especially if the thoughts are in the mind you can you can throw in the computer but still you might then and I I have in counseling was some dismantlement that there is there is no problem with the computer their problem is they see somebody or think of somebody or their thing is if if I bring them lunch today and they accept it and then that starts my my processes so it's it what is the intent of your heart again was the intent of your heart and that this is what we need it our mind is the battlefield and then we need to keep in mind that submitted to Christ's lineage of them I washed in his blood and we need to be accountable to two other people 's of them don't you you'll need a computer lost when we do before the computer and it's been here thank you my question says how can I begin to reach my gay friends for Christ without seeing seeming judgmental or realistic swell outside be a friend season on someone he struggled with this issue I would suggest being a friend my wife knows gay people and it was easy for her to be friends with them if you're someone who struggles with the issue I would advise not always do that because it may become a stumbling block for you but for me I had my wife is an accountability partner so it wasn't a great issue we would have dinners with them went with a friend is gay we would always say you know it was always understood that were not hygienists because that's it we believe in and that's the most important person in our lives not a judge you for you being homosexual percent spend that kind of freed us up to be able to talk about Jesus and because we contacted they respected our views and perspective where we were coming from the perspective where they were coming from and it allowed us an opportunity to really minister to us to them and you know it wasn't our goal to be judgmental or to say this is the better way you witnessed there was a better front we do believe Jesus Christ is the best way and vectors way of financing that and being diplomatic drawing them into a friendship is question says my brother-in-law his struggle with homosexuality through my sister-in-law 's marriage to him he has made many promises to stop in addictive behavior all parentheses smoking binge drinking etc. but has constantly been breaking them he's also made promises and broken them towards my in-laws how can we intervene as a family if or when he comes for help or should we intervene if he doesn't seek help on my only advice in a situation like that is you can't discern the heart and you don't know if this person is sincere about seeking help but I think it's always safe to assume they are and I believe that if you're connected to Christ that only then can you truly number one be proactive now before he asked for help to be asking that the Lord would bring into that on and only if you have the discernment from the Holy Spirit can you know when to speak or when not to him in my opinion if said six situation should arise on the book that made the most incredible difference in my life and still does is the smallest both sets of Christ you know you read on repentance that the chapter of repentance and confession powerful and then the one in faith and acceptance and I'll tell you in in the struggle to be released from masturbation those chapters not only on show compassion but also sold talk about restoration and giving up the shame and so even in the repetitive patterns are just seem to overtake me on how you those chapters in itself on what really the breakthrough for me yet I have a question here is it normal to have sexual thoughts even if you don't think about it it just pops in him that I don't know why I guess it is normal to have sexual votes because you are a sexual being and so I think we've lived a lie how be honest we've live the life in the church that that viewed their people who just never ever think sexual thoughts I don't know who they are but that's we think that that's normal the question is what do you do with the sexual thoughts is one thing for a sexual thought to arise in your mind it's another thing to start dwelling on it as Martin Luther said you cannot prevent birds from flying over your head but you can prevent them from making a nest in your hair and so what you feed will grow and so we need to we need to bring every thought as we read earlier into captivity to Christ and surrender those thoughts to Christ but it probably is a very normal thing for us to be sexual I saw last question one all right I just need the data in our last early on in my relationship with my boyfriend we split up other the question that night I got drunk and messed around with random guy I did not have sex and they came very close and basically might I told my boyfriend Chace we've been together for a long time now we plan to get married B party had sex because invited that night we were broken up doesn't mean I did not fully save myself for him because of the extent I mean he has forgiven me but I'm struggling to forgive myself this question flows from a misunderstanding of God 's forgiveness you don't have to forgive yourself somebody much bigger and stronger than you forgive you but he can only forgive you if you're truly sorry if you're sorry for your stand and you confess it to God and ask him to Glenview not particular sendup from sexual thing you confessed every sexual thing you can think of thing God cleanses you you don't mention in this whether you're sorry for having sex with your boyfriends so I don't know if that's something that year recognizing as a simple mistake as well I just know God can cleanse a person of sexual sin just as easily picking Clinton than from any other sin the problem is often shame and we talked about that in an earlier seminar the difference between guilt and shame guilt is a message from God thing you've done something wrong come back to me shame is a message from the devil thing you are something that God himself can't forgive you in the blood of Jesus Christ can cleanse you back to life the double guilt and shame they feel very similar but their opposites because one is from God it brings you to repentance if you've repented confessed giving your heart to Christ washed whiter than snow and yes you may have done something that you know disappointing to your boyfriend but he can forgive you with the same forgiveness Christ gets than if you feel shame after that when you've truly giving your sexual things to Christ recognize that a lot of the double thing Chrysler can cover you you're still thirty don't believe thank you just last Christians are the Bible Jesus has been tempted in every way does that mean Jesus was tempted sexually where when I get to heaven will be able to ask that question I think what it means is that Jesus was tempted with the same power if not more than what we were tempted and he was tempted to use his divinity I believe instead of just being a human being every notice how we responded to that she relied on the same power that we can rely on a man so the way he overcame is the same offer on how it he gives to us how we experience sexual temptation if he experienced it and what specifically we don't know but the extent of the power of the temptation where there was sexual or not I believe he experienced that yes so a business similar to last family comes from the same frame i.e. I would like to reach out to my homosexual friends I thought of a plan to give them your testimonies my question is will it be effective if they're not willing to change or feel that they are doing anything wrong so I quick want to creation they share your message with their homosexual friends it's a really hard like I think you have to let the Holy Spirit lead and I give out my testimony to anyone who'll take it or who wants it but I never forced it and this summit is really resistant and not interested in leaving the homosexual lifestyle it may actually hurts the gospel to force something on Sony doesn't want it from its place send it as a just assumed it had parents he wanted their child to read read my testimony and they decided just but an envelope and said to them and its outlet other never mention mention it for him and open up opportunities for dialogue the good or bad I think all dialogues good so you can talk about the issue is yet ascended to this matter but it is not a joke your expectation these to be this is not in your power for them to change that let this letter to let us speak what it needs to speak and don't ask don't ask don't ask don't mask and and let the Holy Spirit do is work yet this is a great place for prayer instead of questions are right while the last one and I said something on that too I have many homosexual friends and all of them know where I stand on homosexuality they know that I love them very deeply and I believe that homosexual behavior is wrong and if you're going to share testimony with someone be sure that you establish for the first issue love them because the world has told them there are only two kinds of people those who hate gays and those who embrace sexuality you need to let them know that you neither one of those and then you have a context in which they can go out to you actually can still love me even though you don't love homosexuality in that context you can share with them the last question is for any of the three guys to share their testimony how do you live or how have your wife go with your passage this year can they share some about how that process has been for them I don't think ever really want to do things in it but you're welcome do you have the courage I love you feel like dying and share how you feel it ever in an agreement microphone is never has been here to pray she said she did not want to get up there she is once again being a tremendously courageous person got company in the very beginning that I was to marry down I do not know anything about these issues and so anyway we were married twenty one years when I found out the news the sales a little shocked and I did consider divorce that that's the only one I was know what I was to do an issue suit it's a hit this is relying on him and each time I wanted to give up and didn't understand it was just relying on him he is going to the cross and working through all the things anyway we may make thirty one years Howard Wednesday some very thankful you think you are in the demonstrating the power Ms. Rita and Howard thank you all you know the time for making a sexual beings you can reflect you help us not to give up in court but to see your hand reaches out as we know that in the words of the apostle John I write this to you soon so that you will not sin us if anyone does sin we have an advocate with the father Jesus Christ the righteous thank you for standing up in knots you racist piece because now and yes I will yes is a media was brought by audio course a website dedicated to spreading God 's word through reading sermon audio and much more we would like to know more about our 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