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Safeguarding Your Relationship

Nicole Parker

Presenter

Nicole Parker

Wife, mother, and Biblical counselor

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Conference

Recorded

  • October 12, 2013
    2:30 PM
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him and glad to see all of you here where going to be talking about safeguarding your relationship but I realize for many of you what I'm talking about here about it work how to get started many of you are already dating they'd applied in principle though what I'm talking about is basically how to save your relationship before it starts first of all many people I found this end up getting divorced because they were willing to the pain of a breakup they know it's not working they don't want to be together but I can't tell you how many couples I have counseled with newer like what please either get married or breakup wow I can play which one is that now people want to make it work and often in their desperate to make it work because they've invested so much time so much energy or because they're all the expectations of friends and family maybe even their parents are saying this is the person you should marry and also just because of the pain it's very painful to break up and they they wrestle they go back and forth sometimes between breakup get back together break up get back together because there's there not committed enough to want to go through all the hard stuff but they're too committed to just get rid of the relationship altogether so I want to talk about first how do you prevent getting into a relationship like that and then what to do if you're in it first of all were to talk about prayerfully evaluating for different categories of qualifications for marriage character believes her lifestyle personality and circumstances be better for critical categories that I believe need to be evaluated before people make a commitment to be with one another and they're all based on Scripture thoroughly and throughout the fair property and that we had a much counsel telling us how to conduct our relationship wife late this is a tragedy that so few people do first of all first John four sixteen that God is love and he that dwell in love developing God and God in him my husband brought out earlier but I just emphasized to you the most important thing you can do to have a healthy relationship with someone else if you have a healthy relationship with God first growing him find your sense of being loved and worthwhile in him because if you don't you will be idolatrous in your relationship you can't help that where worshipers were created to worship so we always worship either God or someone or something else or whatever is a worship in the place of God is really just self disguised we don't love that person so much we love for that person does for or how they make us feel so the first thing to do is connect deeply with God then when you've done that in your immature in rich relationship with Jesus Christ you are prepared to evaluate the first point character character is a simple word for how much is this person like Jesus now when we get to heaven everyone is going to have our own unique personality but were all going to have one character the character of Christ that's why I put these into different categories personalities what makes you unique characters what should make all of us as Christian alike how much are we like Jesus are we willing to let him be the winning track of our lives character is a vast category of things to evaluate the really to see people in a variety of circumstances before you can have a safe evaluation of their character things like how connected is this person with God when they are frustrated or something what comes out often the smallest things that happen that tight even bigger thing this person really has how they behave when they get cut off in traffic how do they treat handicap people were old people for nerdy people people that they can't get anything out of how do they value those people that tell you a lot about how the value when you get in the way of what they want to do maturity this is a broad category of encompassing how well has this person matured through the circumstances of life how well do they know how to handle a variety of situations had a deal of frustration how do they deal with joy do they have an approach to conflict that's going to be healthy I be impulsive though much of it is maturity no youth night 's theme is a poor judge of the fitness of character of one of Young's himself as a life partner but maturity of more than age there are four -year-old who aren't as mature as four -year-old when it comes to dealing with conflict and getting what they want the way they want it commitments this is an important part of character you want to know not how much how well did this person and I match and how are they going to react when we don't match because we want all the time right number personality is what makes you unique you're not an American entity with your personality there aren't any other people out there that was great married living with similar personalities viewers that will reduce the amount of conflict that is not going to eliminate conflict you want to know how committed are they going to be and how are they going to handle the ways that your difference responsibility is this person responsible you can see this by how they pay their bills how they treat their parents how they treat their siblings and their friends and their commitment when their latest something how do they handle that you know and are they consistently late when they promised they are going to be there you know I'm talking about self-discipline self-discipline is a huge area that shows so much of what a person 's really like what do they do in their spare time that it gave that name how do they handle pressure they had when they don't feel like talking to you conflict resolution is a huge problem in marriages because people can't have self-discipline and something they don't have the communication skills necessary but more often conflict resolution problem but not because they can't communicate but because they're selfish so conflict resolution I put it in the category of character defects because it's very important that this person knows how to resolve things in an unselfish way humility e-mail and he is a broad category that deals with many of these things a lot of this is overlapping the Nevis and examples of things that you want to evaluate about a person before you make a commitment to the selflessness do they really treat others with love and respect their ethics when they are late for something why do they say they relate to be honest and if they were all of the traffic was really bad yet there was no way they could possibly get there in time they left too late but they make it sound like it wasn't their fault of that video the fall you want to know that a person is going to treat others the way that they want to be treated the character is the number one thing you evaluate the number one thing that you look at and of course realize before you evaluate someone else you need to be evaluating yourself you want to give yourself a gift to someone else when you're not measuring up to what you know you're looking for somebody else I mean that we have to be perfect but none of us are perfect but you want to know that a person has solid character particularly when it comes to issues of addiction because benediction is a behavior that shows a much deeper underline worship issue that they are not deeply committed to Christ instead their hearts are divided and if there is one thing that I would say is the number one warning sign when someone when you're evaluating some of the characters if you see that they're struggling with addictions and are not willing to confront those and get rid of them there's a big problem so many times I've counseled with women whose husbands were addicted to pornography many years before they ever met and they married there has been figuring well it can work out you know he hasn't had any problems for the last three months no big issues need to be resolved in the heart in that process not an event you want to know those things are dealt with because your children's life depends on it your life could depend on it how well the person manage anger how well does the person manage stress how well does this person manage being able to relax when there isn't a crisis how do they handle life even issues that you want to evaluate first the character is the number one thing you want to think about when people 's marriages fall apart later on it is almost always something that they can see with going on before they got married the issues were there and when people look back and say yeah we we finally hit the rocks we finally divorce but we divorce over the fate of the same things that we were battling about when we were dating or even before we were dating the same issues unresolved it could've been prevented the breakup and divorce could've been prevented if people have foster character more wisely before they went forward the next category is covered by second Corinthians six fourteen feet not unequal yoke together with unbelievers for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness and what communion hath light with darkness sometimes when you're evaluating lifestyle and belief system there's nothing wrong with the other person 's character they may be a godly wonderful mature person but if they don't have the same convictions and jail they don't have the same life value to your going to have some massive issues you may not be able to be together even scripturally know I dated somebody who was a Lutheran and I was in Adventist how are we going to raise our children I wasn't thinking things through but eventually later on when I got together with my husband I can see not only work belief system similar but our lifestyle personal and that made a huge difference what is a person of conviction and you need to know a lot of different areas of what their convictions are how do they believe in keeping Sabbath that would be a major issue when you have children and you may not even know all of those things does that mean that if this person is going out to eat on Sabbath and playing football and you're not then there lost in your state that's what I'm talking about you're talking about evaluating a person to be a partner with you how do you get yolks together if one of these jerkiness when one of these drinking that way all the time conviction to change beliefs to change but they often don't change and conviction is a crucial area there are areas of conviction that two people may be a little different on and they can live together peaceably you know if she believes she should wear dresses and he doesn't believe she have to wear dresses that may not be much of an issue although it may be once they have children and she wants the children to dress the way her convictions are but what about music music can be a huge issue because you don't want to have daddy 's music and mommy music do you know I have this constant we can even listen to music together because you don't want to listen to the things that I want to listen to not it's one thing to die to self and that would be more the character issue you know if my husband wants to listen to classical music and I hate classical music it's a noble thing for me to do to listen to classical music and let it play the house him myself unselfishness right but what if he had no conviction against some kind of music that I have a conviction against it not a noble thing for me to give up my conviction because I'm putting my husband in the place of Christ I believe that God wants me to do that but I do it my husband month instead we see the different so it's honorable to let go of preferences but it's dishonorable to let go of conviction convictions can be studied through together and that's an important part of figuring out a lifestyle belief system compatibility what are your decision-making strategies when you have this system of belief and he had the system of belief that she had the system of belief how do you come to the conclusion you just say well you know whichever one of us is more conservative that's the one that will go with mother and option may not be your best graveyard he married it may be your only option but it might be better to study through things together listen the seminars prayerfully search through things see if you can come to similar belief system but don't make a commitment to get into a relationship with them and when you have dramatically different belief systems and lifestyle especially when you have differences theologically you I dated someone who is a Seventh-day Adventist and seemed to be very godly spiritual person running I can't judge someone's heart but after we started dating I found out that he had very different beliefs than I did about salvation he felt that you should never have a confidence that your safe no matter what and he is that it is extensively how old binder full of reasons why he was certain that even if our children had repented of every known sin and they are they knew were in right relationship with God they should never say or think or feel that they are right with God if they died at that moment they would be safe you should never have that you should always be failing that well I don't know that wasn't how I felt that wasn't my conviction that all that mean he was the less godly person than me of course not but we had very different belief systems and it ended up being crucial to why we can get along together he also had very different music than I did I didn't have the same convictions invited the difference in beliefs about food how he wanted to live his life the way that he dressed the way that he spent his spare time there were a lot of things that were very different but I didn't realize why started dating him and the reason why we had to break up was because I didn't do my homework first and it was the lifestyle of belief system that pulled us apart probably more than anything else our habit some people want to get up early in the morning some people want to go to bed early at night some people like to go out and run early in the morning whatever you now admit the business a good or bad thing necessarily but have it will cause crisis in relationship if two people can't flex with one another and flexibility is probably one view any other than theological issues what is God like what of his expectation of me how can I prepare for the second coming how should I reach out to others be very kinds of things that you want to evaluate before you make any kind of conviction in any kind of decision on being together with plenty of specially especially if you're not of the same faith but you also have to deal with flexibility issues this person may have a very difference way of living than you do maybe that kinds of people it spent time with the reasons why they spent time with the people but if they're flexible and if you are flexible and you can make things work friends are you know introvert extrovert together they are able to be flexible with each other this person gets lots of time along this person gets to spend time with other friends doesn't always invite people home because there introverts about infant interest in having lots of people over that's not evil that self-sacrifice the flexibility is crucial both to the character trait because of the unselfishness that requires flexibility but also to your lifestyle and belief system it's not so much that you have exactly the same habits in other words it's how flexible you are in dealing with them sometimes you'll just have to go to separate not because you don't love each other but because of your convictions are different and when you can't come to the same conviction it's not safe to pursue being yolks together infected very dangerous and can even lead to one or both of you compromising on issues of conviction and feeling that use them yourself from God because you choose relationship with this person over relationship with God so I can't emphasize enough to you how important it is to think through what your convictions are and whether you're actually able to work together and be together Amos three three set can two walk together except they be agreed this is a similar topic but I put personality in a different category than the previous one because personality is more of who you are convictions can change and often they do and belief systems can change that doesn't mean that you should go ahead and date somebody hoping that their belief system will change the personality of the different category because with with issues of character you should not be together with that person of their character is not well-rounded if you can see areas that they are troublingly not like Christ dealing with major depression anxiety or issues that are unresolved anger whatever you need to stay away no matter how much you care about this person don't get in a relationship when there are major issues of character that they are not like Jesus when it comes to belief systems very important that your belief systems are in harmony before you even consider making any kind of commitment because you risk breaking your convictions of the other person convictions in your relationship with God personality on the other hand I think almost any two different personalities can build a beautiful relationship with God glorifying if they're both willing to sacrifice otherwise people who get married for all the wrong reasons to all the wrong people would be doomed right this would be a tragic ending other are a lot of people who give up on their marriage is very early on because they say I know the reason we got together were wrong we didn't follow the plan that Nicole Parker laid out therefore we married the wrong person and there's no hope for my marriage so they don't even try you can prevent a breakup by watching for Sunday's things but once you are in a committed once you're married to this person committed before God for life you can make it work with your personality clashes or not it'll just take a lot of flexibility and dying to self fight having said that before you get into that relationship it would be a great idea for you to evaluate your personalities now remember noted personalities are to be the same but there are some crucial areas of personality that it's very important that you can be on the same page or similar page on communication skills this is huge there are so many different ways of communicating that are right or wrong but if one person desires to communicate one way the other person doesn't unite depth of communication for example some people want to be able to share everything they want to have the soulmates kind of marriage other people want to have the partnership were facing the same direction whether marathon together this is often they don't really want the face-to-face heart-to-heart communication they want a body I wouldn't say either of those evil but they're very different ideals for marriage and if your ideal for marriage are different from one another each of you is going to end up dissatisfied on your date night you can be going out and sitting staring into each other's faces well one of you tries to drag stuff at the other one another date night to be out doing something together and each person is going to end up feeling on that you know what I'm talking about they are ideal for marriage what kind of marriage you want are very important introversion or extroversion you know some people are extroverts by nature they just want lots of people lots of time with people shallow relationship you have whoever's there there whoever's gone is gone they note that kind of personality and they often are attracted to the more introverted type that wants to listen they want to connect deeply because each of them is feeling kind of dissatisfied with an unbalanced or you know over to one side or the other side kind of friendship network for the introvert says while this is great I have to talk at all I just sit here and listen for hours and the extroverts that this is great I get to talk for hours the first in such a good listener so hooray they count on each other and get married and live miserably ever after because each of them is driven by the other person pretty soon right one guided in his friendships were very different than mine he had a lot of funny conference but not really deep friend and my friends were more deep end and we spent a lot of time together we wrestled through big stuff together and so I found his friends like unfulfilling I didn't really want to spend time with them that was the evil of either of us in Dallas he probably had more friends than I did and wonderful fresh and networking a great time with his friends but our friendship style were very different energy levels can be a crucial thing if one person is always wanting to get out there and do something in the other person is always hoping that this afternoon will include an armchair in a good book neither of those is evil but their difference and flexibility will be a huge factor if they can't work through some of those crises now I have a friend who is married to someone with a very high energy level and to complicate things and health issues came along so one person is unable to go out and do a lot the other person is always going to do this but cleanouts I want to do these things I've got a list of government work through things like that but it can be very cost they want to evaluate energy levels life calling ideally before you get together with a life partner you are you know your life calling it live this for you to make the four decisions of life in order first my going to serve God with all my heart soul mind and strength hopefully so you make that decision first then Lord how are you calling me to spend my life serving you third who am I going to spend my life serving yokes together with or am I and then forth are we going to bring children into the world a lot of people get those the other way around work for pregnant I guess we better get married well how we can support our family and then Lord this is not working how you want to do it the other way around so much better finding a life calling it the process although very few people come to college already knowing exactly what they're going to do with their life anything they know what they're going to do with their life but things often turn out very differently you want to find out your life calling that usually includes sometime in college are experiencing different kinds of ministry with different kinds of opportunities please settle into something that this is what I want to do and ideally if you already know your life calling before you meet someone you can tell very quickly in order work together well my husband and I had both spent many years in the youth ministry before we met each other we both loved working with college-age young people we found the most that I think of all the different kinds of ministries we tried and we spent several years doing I was twenty six he was twenty eight you regarding ordained pastor I remember when I was a eighteen and going through marriage and family classes Academy and the teacher says well you know the healthiest marriages were that the least likelihood of divorce are those where people get married for the first time between twenty eight to thirty years old Michael Lord don't make me wait that long well I mean I never get married now that back-and-forth anyway I didn't I didn't believe that I would ever get married I thought no one would ever choose me but at the same current like all twenty eight that's a long way the way but I'm still glad it can get married anything I love my house I love marriage it's great but if I had gotten married before I did I would've missed out on so many opportunities to travel to do exciting things to make rich friendship I is the only summer sleeping on the floors of churches and schools and whatever those were adventures that I would have had if I got married at twenty or twenty two and then later on my adventures in self would've changed a lot if only I could get out and travel I was always planned to travel well I did I did a lot of traveling I get a lot of adventuring and I had a wonderful time and I checked out a lot of different kinds of ministries I found what I really love to do and settled into this that when my husband came along he and I both had found my calling settlement and then only found one out in your room is really close to my group we can just go side-by-side and have a wonderful time intelligence is another very important thing it's not so much how intelligent you are two very intelligent people are two very unintelligent people may be able to build beautiful relationship usually at young people had different kinds of intelligence but the main thing is that you're well matched to each other and that you enjoy the same kind of intellectual pursuits might have been I love to think about why people do what they do we love to study theology we love to evaluate system that brings together these of fun things to do because we both love to do them we probably hot enough for intellectual equal of the no much wiser than I am right Almighty Doctor Parker is a you know and I is intellectually we are interested in the same things that we like to talk at the same level about things I share with exciting things I've read he shares the exciting things he read we walked doing that being intellectually similar will save a lot of stress and conflict and sometimes people end up feeling very empty if they can't communicate on the same intellectual level though the company your grade have to be the same sometimes people who are very intelligent have high grade sometimes they don't sometimes they are intelligent in the different areas intelligence and how to deal with people for example or how to evaluate things but make sure that not only are similarly similar intellectually and as far as her intellectual ability and your intellectual interests I now have a lot more to talk about a lot more to enjoy together organizational skills again to people who are not similar organizationally can build a beautiful relation chef five eight also may end up being much more stress if the house is always filled with clutter or the house is always needed within the other person just isn't built that way then again you can enough flexibility covers a lot when we first got married my husband had this wonderful habit of walking into the house locking out officiated and then walking out of this box somewhere and for the first couple of weeks it was like for me I think that a box and put them in the laundry and an accompanying meet you and dictating thankfully he was a wonderful person who is very easily flex the ball was able to add just when I suggested perhaps the fox to go into the laundry without me doing me between step there is now the wonderful thing is but the organizational skills or overall he's more organized than I am I see that big picture organizational person I'm in detail organizational person so we're very good friends in in our relationship those two things complement each other were able to pull things together all the trouble of details proofread what you pull together and it works great we love that also causes frustration sometimes different levels of organizational desire and ability can be valuable in different situations in other notes some homeschooling mom who do all kinds of creative crafts with their kids they are great with their kids they read stories they go to the park they learn all the different trees and birds and flowers and things like that in a just fantastic their children one of my adopted and always clean sometimes their stuff under the table and dishes piled up and this homeschooling room isn't quite the way that the husband would like it to be different kinds of organizational style we met either one evil the creative mother is doing a fantastic thing for her children on the mother whose house is clean and organize and his children always put things away methodically in opening a wonderful job just different different kinds organization negotiation skills but I debated negotiation skills can also go into the flexibility you know the character in all of all of these things negotiation skills are partly a character issue how much of this person like Jesus but they are also partly a personality issue some people free from the hit conflict or crisis that may be because of their family of origin the way that they handled conflicts it may not be but whatever the cause they have to learn to negotiate because otherwise you'll end up alienated from one another you want to be able to negotiate risk-taking of another personality issue there are neither hundreds of these the underpinning you a few of the ones that caught the most stress in relationships risk-taking if one person wants to take risks all the time whether that climbing rock or taking financial risks it can be extremely stressful for the relationship if the other person is not a risk taker again these are things to talk through and to see how the other person navigates life so many things you are going to think of talking about until you actually are living out your relationship living out havens of how this person handle that allows you got an interesting sense of humor you know how do you how do you quantify that you can't really sit down with a person ask a question so what is your sense of humor like well what is your sense of humor like you kind of have to experience life with the right food this is why it's so important to prepare for preventing your breakup by not getting when a person until you have time I found in a variety of fine otherwise we find out to language red three-legged race with a person they like the longer than yours or shorter time everybody is going to be different in some areas that are part of the purpose of marriage God wants us to live in deep relationships with other people who aren't like that because it helps us to learn to be like him it helps us to learn to die to self health was learned that we are not the only ones in the planet and our way is not always the best way and even if our way is the best way we will do well to learn to the event to nurture relationship that the character issue that becoming like Jesus but along the way I find people who have similar personalities tend to make more progress that kind of like imagine that you don't together work harnessed together to horses to pull why but when horses and one horse is little not only is it going to be difficult to make that harness fits but one of the horses is going to end up pulling harder and the wagon maybe always going in one direction right it's crucial to match your horse as well what about every kind of horses come to that why in the road one wants to go this way one wants to go that way counseled couples where just like wow you know leadership of the wonderful thing but having two leaders is not so much what America's all chiefs and no Indians guaranteed recipe for trouble so before you get harnessed together with somebody in any significant way ask yourself a lot of questions about how you handle the personality clashes between the two of you because they're inevitable that will happen in Ecclesiastes three verses one through five says to everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under the head a time to embrace and a friend to refrain from embracing what what does all that different kinds of the time for this time that but there is a time for relationship and there is a time to restrain yourself especially if you're too young you just need to stay away from it think of who you were two years before you know who even of me are you pretty much a very similar person we were two years before if not chances are two years from now you're in a very different person to tell if the person that you're considering all of us are always growing we should only need to be happy overall in either growing or dying that way relationship works right that's the way every living thing work but you want to know that you're growing in the same direction that you're growing toward Christ and that's you have at least reasonably leveled out and becoming the person that you intend to carry her life when a person is a brand-new adventure for a brand-new Christian it's not time for them to get into a brand-new relationship theories there taking their time right then focus on a brand-new relationship with Jesus Christ the new way of relating to life it's better for them to adjust that at that point rather than trying to negotiate a relationship with another person at the same time many times the best way to head for a break up is to get into a person 's life right when the going through a major transition in other areas of their lives that they really can't focus and they end up being a very different person months later than they were at the beginning there was one man I dated who was a wonderful person I I love the personality we had such a great time together and we we were dating before we even knew it was just amazing miraculous how the Lord and let us together blah blah blah but also wonderful but it was a long distance relationship and when I started when I actually spent time with him on a mission trip I immediately found major ways that we were not similar in personality not only that I began seeing some character issues ways that he related to being tired and irritable that were very alarming ways that he related to commitment she would be committed to me and then not talk to me for a couple of days then come back to me I'm totally committed to totally love it but not talk to make in the next family what is happening here and I realize he might be a great match for me personality wise but it was not time to be in a relationship he was wrestling with his relationship with God I thought he was the stable because I didn't know him well so I broke up with him fully intending to marry him fully intending that acidity got things worked out we'd be together again because Donna brought us together and I love you and I knew he loved me but that wasn't aware it worked out within a few months he was married to someone else and a few months after that she is separated from already eventually he left the Lords left the church which I could never imagine trying to conceive this powerful soul winner evangelists but he wasn't ready sometimes it's not time and whether he would have stabilized or not if I had married him I don't know but the chances are honestly very slim finally you want to evaluate circumstances fees this is another broad category but it has a lot of different areas that are crucial to your relationship things like family what does his family say if his family doesn't want you to marry him and you want to marry him if her family is adamant that she's not ready she's got to get out of school first or whatever it is needed pay attention to those things money if you don't have the money of the financial Fidelity Bank gets then perhaps you should wait for a while I know everybody uses the classic while it costs less to pay rent for one place and pay rent for two places yes and now there are a lot of things that can come up when you married for one thing you never know for sure if she's going to get pregnant you need to be able to support a family and the fact that you don't have money may be a significant factor suggesting that you're not mature enough to say that another student loan for all kinds of issues that can make a person be in a crisis financially but it still is a significant factor because you know one of the main things that people divorce about is supposed to be running out never really about money it's really about other things conflict resolution communication caricature those kinds of issues but still money can cause a lot of additional pressure on a relationship remember in the Bible when God God gave the system that if a man didn't have enough money what would you do he would work because his future father-in-law and want to know so much about whether he had money it was more whether he knew how to make it and spend it what you hard worker would he support his wife how did he handle a long day out in the field is not whether you have money and how you manage money and whether you know how to make more of it whether you have the commitment and perseverance again it can be a character issue but it also is the circumstances issue education some people get married right and middle of school and built a beautiful relationship but it has a lot of pressure that first narrative marriage can be very intense when people are really wanting to follow the Lords to learn about their relationship of love to set up good patterns of relating to each other but they get into cycles of negativity were the court not having time with each other it's hard to break cycle is much better to set up near her family after you have finished your education and gotten out into the workforce we got more stability at first year after you get out of school is often a time of tremendous growth and change anyone be sure you maximize your opportunities to become yourself to form your own identity before you wrap yourself around someone now help is another issue that can be very serious no matter how much you love someone sometimes you have to think through carefully is this person healthy and live healthy do we need to wait from time because getting into marriage can also add more stress and health issues and economically pregnancy think that need to be watched out for desire and capability for children sometimes one person is not capable of having children and the other person wants to have children about the touchy thing because how do you evaluate that before you actually start dating you don't usually sit down with your friend they are not dating in place of the children you want and when this concept of event dating engagement and a question right but it's important to think through some of these issues because it were talking here about how to prevent a breakout this is the reason some people break up they want to have children or maybe the other personality has children and this person really doesn't want to have children neither significant things to consider circumstances and of course that's not an exhaustive list there are many many kinds of circumstance issues to come to consider now what about if you're already in a relationship what should you do I'm sure some of you as you gone through this list you been able to see areas that that compares my relationship or wish I'd thought about that dinner right what about if you are in a relationship you want I read all these things about yourself and the other person in the midst of your relationship and necessarily mean you have to break everything off but sometimes it does sometimes I break up is one of the best gifts you can ever give to yourself I remember when I was dating someone who I love very much I fully intended to marry him I thought he intended to marry me and then one day he set down with me and informed me that he didn't love me wasn't attracted to me and I decided he was going to marry me he broke up I was completely shattered because I have been building my sense of being worthwhile I love on this man and my future with him now I felt like everything who I was just completely gone like all of my insides were just ripped off I was just the empty shell walking around MPN and devastated I didn't know what to do I do know how to process that and yet now I look back and know that day with one of the greatest days of my life if it hadn't been for that break up if he hadn't given me the gift of ending a relationship because he knew it was best for either one of us I wouldn't have ended up being married to the man of my dreams later on now I look back with much wisdom and experience I know wow that relationship would never have had the potential to be like marriage that I have now there were so many significant areas of personality clash lifestyle clash belief system clash and character issues going on in both of our lives that needed to be dealt with we were headed for the kind of marriage that either of us dreamed of and so it was a great blessing but he had the courage to break up sometimes breaking up is the greatest gift you can give to someone especially to yourself when you know number one that you are not connected deeply with God if you're not connecting deeply with God you need to make that your first priority whatever you have to do to get to that point people are like Marty dating I guess I'll just try to spend more time with God in the midst of this relationship that may work if your relationship is not a significant stumbling block for you this is where you might have to prayerfully evaluate from an honest heart let yourself before the Lord they now God give me this is what going on in my heart this is going on in my life what do I need to do sometimes a breakup can be the one thing that will drive you to Christ when nothing else will when day after day hour after hour you have to go to God to be for you what your boyfriend or your girlfriends wives know if you're married obviously you are not God is not called you to break up this relationship right barring issues of abuse where your body which is the temple of God is being damaged tonight I can sometimes include emotional abuse and that sometimes it's necessary to separate in order to help the other person even if there's any issues are very serious that can be an act of love but usually that should be very far down the line after you've tried everything out the crucial thing those to be able to connect deeply with God you need to get your sense of being loved and worthwhile from God if you do that and if your relationship is not one of getting to physically involved for example because when you're getting physically involved in your relationship you are in major quicksands you need to get out of that situation it and by physically involved you know what I mean going against your convictions doing things that you know you shouldn't be doing now some people that will not really convicted that it's wrong for us to be doing this on that's an issue sometimes of what is your definition of conviction if convictions when I feel guilty doing had there a lot of people who don't feel guilty murdering that mean they are convicted now they know what's wrong to do they just don't feel bad when they do it so when your convictions don't match what you feel bad for that to find that you have been nothing but wait for the Holy Spirit when you know what God wants you to do and you set a standard for yourself physically in your relationship and then you're not capable of keeping that physical boundary it because there is a major worship issue in your relationship and you need to get out of it now that many taking a break for a few weeks at meaning breaking it off permanently I can't tell you the Lord will be able to help you now but the crucial thing as often people are kind of like two magnets they've gotten themselves so close emotionally and even codependent idolatrous and the relationship of there like two magnets held so close together they can just barely give themselves a part every now and then they can get themselves a part in the come against each other then they tried to pull them from the part again but since they come right back this is an issue of worship this person is the reason why the left and worthwhile and I cannot stop myself from being intimate with them than what I need to do is pull the two magnets far enough apart that they can be kept apart emotional intimacy breeds physical intimacy that's the way were designed God wanted us that way he wants us to feel deeply connected to the person emotionally before we get married and get connected with them physically so it's a natural progression a healthy wonderful gift of God that when work short-circuiting God 's plan and going around his desire for purity for purity is not standard not whether I feel bad about this or not God wants us to lift your life and if you are sensing that in your relationship there is not purity get out of it if there is addiction if there issues of pornography or something like that get out of it take a break take a break as long as you need to longer than you think you need to just to be sure and put up strong boundaries around that quicksand so that you don't fall into again you know I often tell people if they want to think they won't make these mistakes that end up with an unwanted pregnancy the other signal on birth control they know what they're planning to do but the consequences that you suffer from making mistakes that can never be taken back are not just on you when you create another life this is the child who then have to spend the rest of their lives suffering for your mistakes when I say physical intimacy is a serious issue I mean what I say don't play around because when you when you push the boundaries when you willfully step over the fence onto the Devils ground you always go farther than you think you well because you depending on yourself instead of Christ you will do things that you know you shouldn't do as the question is what the consequences be there are always consequences that doesn't mean that God can't cleanse us from sexual impurity he does all the time she's able to give beauty for ashes and turn your mistakes it's a wonderful testimony but don't do that to yourself if you know you're in a relationship and you're not connecting deeply with God you're getting into cycles of idolatry you need to break it off take a breather and time with God don't keep emotionally connecting with each other all the time because that's your anesthetic to prevent you from feeling that deep need of being Leavenworth while in Christ if you're not having issues with being connected with the Lord they are both walking with God he really strong in the faith you love the Lord with all your heart for mind and strength immature you're dealing well with things and you acyclovir and idolatry going on just a healthy wonderful relationship with two of you together you may say so everything 's great writing while it's always wise to prayerfully evaluate what keeps you together do the best you just feel like well I'd hate to live everything we've invested in well maybe death something significant to consider you don't like to stay together out of habit but you also have to can now communicate with the Lord about what's going on in your relationship preventing breakup is not as important as preventing divorces I mean that once you get married to a person that your personality of the match with your game to divorce you know what I'm talking about here I mean building the best relationship with the best person for you make a God centered commitments to either be together or apart if you can't figure out which side of the fence you should be on the need to both takes and prayerful time later breakups are hard but they're harder the longer you've been together and the more you've invested in the relationship so it's better to have a break up sooner and prevent a worse breakup later if you are already in the relationship and you don't see that you need to break anything off then by all means continue pursuing learning more about one another these four different categories of things that need to be evaluated are powerful and every single one of them needs to be considered seriously though often people get into marriage without thinking about as much as they would think about buying a new car they just go on their feelings they just go on while I love being with the person of my best friends I can't imagine my life without them well you know when I married my husband he was my best friend and I couldn't imagine my life without and I was deeply in love with him and I was thrilled that I can spend my life with you the first I had to go through that process of evaluating how likely are we to break up and do we have good reason to me that we were perfect with words nobody is that God was working in our relationship to teach both the valuable things about himself I've never regretted marrying my husband I know very few people who can say that about their marriages of course it's always no no relationship is perfect there are always lots of areas that we need to grow blackberries we need to be changed into the image of Christ but the thing is you can't find to get married just because of your feelings because I want to happen when those feelings and searching later as they certainly well during your marriage you've got to have something much deeper than your feelings most people get married because they think they'll be happier with this person look how happy I am and we started dating I can see where and how happy a minute before we get engaged and then just think wow marriage of the over the moon will have everything else that was how great is that and instead marriage is not the beginning of happily ever after it's the end of it because now they have to deal with each other in the hard knocks of life they have to negotiate thing you think having a roommate it's hard you don't go on vacation with your roommate here share your wallet with your roommate you wrote really got to decide what you get to eat and what you get to where and what we're going to live for the rest of your life these are the things you raffle with everything they are just now been found burned out areas of life that you're going to share and the only real guarantee you have when you get married to each other is that you have no idea what's coming at you next that there will be things that you cannot possibly imagine when you walk walk down that aisle there well we thank you go I cannot believe me now my husband 's twelve years eleven years into our marriage we discovered he had hepatitis C well when I married this man I married him for better for worse and significant help I didn't know he was already sick with a thickness that is destroying his liver and eleven years later Doctor with benefit there and tell me he maybe get into a three years in fact he may be dead sooner now praise the Lord God has done all kinds of wonderful miracles to preserve his life and we are so grateful that this point it doesn't look like his health is in serious danger anymore but nobody warned me that that was coming I remember the pastor at our wedding thing on Sunday the beautiful children are going to come into your life I cannot imagine that now I can't imagine life without them but you know along the way there been so many times that we've moved somewhere we've had friends that we hang out with her can hang out with based on the fact that we are married to each other and our life has taken a different turn your revocable and because we chose relationship with one another you need to have a commitment one way or the other if you're on the fan move towards knowing whether you belong together not be intentional in the time you spend with each other that way if you are going to move to where break up hopefully it won't be a painful because you haven't been invested as much emotionally and especially physically in one another I find if people do break up before they've gotten physically intimate the less physical intimacy they had in general the more able they are a friend later on in life when he's married to someone else and she's married to someone else in there able to relax and be friends again are much better than no dodging each other at reunions and going only goodness I can't believe he can be my daughter 's third grade teacher that kind of thing you know you don't want a lot of axes wandering around the planet trapped me on the May show off in the weirdest places you and you really don't want as many of them have both people have wanted you if possible if you have never crossed the line of commitment with this person even if you've known each other and you know that you like each other and you've even had conversations with each other it never crossed the line of commitment it's so much easier to relax you don't look at their picture for the rest of your life my act if you haven't made that commitment and you stayed away from there it's just so much easier that the best way to prevent break up the web template make sure you don't have lots of active is to not get committed until you have a pretty solid idea of who this person is and what direction you're going in all I think we all want to have risk-free relationship but the fact is love is risky that's just the way it is you can never guarantee that the person that God leads you together with is going to be alive a week after you get married so life is fragile you can never guarantee that this person isn't going to change that people do that's the thing that's guaranteed this person you married is going to change and you are going to change and your circumstances are going to change all kind of things are going to change that the only real guarantee you have to do what you want to know is how is this person likely to change and are the changes going to be things that are significant enough that I will wish that I had not united my life with them that's what you want to know how much this person is like Jesus first of all is this person committed to the Lord I remember one of the first things I talked with my husband about before we started dating was how committed as he decried him Baptist Church because I will always be a Seventh-day Adventist and I did not want to be married to someone who was not he said whatever happens in my life no matter what I will always be of benefit happens to write things that felt I needed to see it shall in all the different ways that he related to life and I thought I watched him doing evangelism sharing Christ with others his honesty with me about his own spiritual walk with God and the times that he struggled but he would always remain committed to the Lord gave me confidence not absolute confident began you can never be absolutely certain you cannot predict this person will never do this with certainty but it gave me confidence this is the man who will always follow Christ who will be willing to sacrifice and to love me well this is the man who I can trust to take care of my children and raise them in a godly home if something happened to me you need to know that you need to have absolutely confident that much as you can absolute confidence this is a person with an apology to all of their life as confident as you are you could be wrong so that this theory is consideration you have to make it how much evidence do I have that this person will always be committed to Christ that they will always be converse as much as every one of us wants to follow Christ we know that if we and you together with someone else it can have devastating consequences for our spiritual life their summits Council is very prophecy that warns about that so we don't have to go into all that but the main thing I'm saying is is risky when you get together with someone you are always taking a risk that you might break up that's why he wanted as much work as possible before hence be confident God is leading you together sometime thought maybe people together and then leave them to break up as he led me and my boyfriend seemed like he let us together but later he led us to break up the land is you are not totally but I can see how it's been a blessing in both of my life it taught me a lot about the dangers of a long-distance relationship so when my husband came along later I knew what to watch for it's not my friend a lot about God and his grace for him and I don't know what the fruits that will bear his life long term thing if we can figure out why God leads the way she does but we can trust him to guide us especially in the issue of who we get together are like that because there may be no other factor that has as much impact on our eternal destiny in our children's eternal destiny in who we choose to marry but choose wisely choose prayerfully let the Lord guide you don't be afraid of a breakup there things that are much worse but as you do your homework for fully and become healthy become the person you need to be you reduce the chances of going through a break up a new safeguard your future marriage so that it can be a glory to God in a delight with our Lord Jesus I know that you have called us into relationship with you and we want to love you with all of our heart soul mind and strength but also our neighbors as ourselves I know everyone here is hoping that they will be able to have a beautiful marriage that can glorify you I pray that you will give that blessing that each one of us will be sensitive to your Holy Spirit that we will know when you tell us to turn to the right hand of the less and eat it you will give beautiful marriages were you against the better because they rendered ourselves thank you so much I love you in this media was run audio Bruce a website dedicated to spreading God 's word through reading sermon audio and much more we would like to know more about our universe is like the more certain that the visit www. audio person .org

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