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Dating Isn't For Cowards- Part 2

Alan Parker

Presenter

Alan Parker

Professor of missions and evangelism and director of Pierson Institute of Evangelism at Southern Adventist University

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Conference

Recorded

  • October 11, 2014
    2:30 PM
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and you know what to pray what we want to thank you for being with us we want to thank you for our opportunity to think about dating again and pray that as we go through this in dialogue that you will guide how our approach to dating so that it's not just from a worldly perspective but based on the Bible we ask this in Jesus name amen so the title is again dating is a informed challenge so what is dating like you're dating is uninvolved change sometimes one person doesn't change like this cartoon it's just that I change that girl she says and you're still stuck in the past and their years with the club and his caveman outfit so hopefully that will be your situation I'm also hoping that one of the things we learned from the last session that we had is that we need to be typical about intimacy and is a reason when we become intimate with another person it's like taking two pieces of wood and gluing them together have you ever tried to separate two piece of wood that are glued together and they are separate very well because what happens is parts of the one piece of work did live on the other piece of work and so when you pull apart mutual jagged it's not smooth any more you have pieces of wood ripped out and belonging to the other piece of wood now and that's what intimacy does as you've ever gone through a breakup you know what that feels like I remember I had dated a girl for three and a half years really believed I was going to marry her and then she broke up with me and I went home and I just cry and then the next act right again and then the third day I cried again and then I started finding down reasons to try and connect with their life on the left the book of my house can I bring it over when I would bring it all back and then she wouldn't knew not have you says the book to go again thanks I like would deny have you been thinking about us not to try not to do that I said that it do anything when he seen it she says yes I want you gone and then I would get all mad and take off in my car and just so upset and I would cry again and then I cry the next in fact I'll be honest for about a year and a half I then tried everything that I did think about it every day for a year and a half and so when you've gone through a relationship sometimes you glued to that of the person and the more close you become within the harder it is to break apart and if we haven't followed the steps that we got to go through yeah being every breakup is going to leave a part of you with someone else and you and you could even end up depressed and suicidal any differently to get some counseling if you've gone through a breakup like that because your heart feels like it's ripped into any of you ever gone through anyone is willing to admit that you gone through a breakup like this again a few hands and it's it's traumatic when you go through it so I went back and I said right how do we do that so I went and I read I kissed dating goodbye and I looked at the options and I I said well do we just get rid of dating is that should that be the way we go you know which road we got to take a knife fight identified that doing welding dating was no good I wasn't a walk down that pass I couldn't cut it eliminate that one pretty rapidly then I said you know it's been recommended to me his courtship by Phineas court should not be the best way to move ahead or is there another way was a little older by the time I came to this and I was twenty eight when I got married so there's hope for you this might not traditional courtship is a great model behalf you have godly parents that you live with this you live in a close-knit community would people know each other need to marry someone from activity and if you are a healthy and secure individuals who knows how to interact with the opposite sex and courtship is a great model but in all modern and disconnected society I did find some challenges of courtship and you just give me feedback and feel free to participate people work and then I sold following the court should not map model were not getting married until much later on we were young people feeling pressurized to marry the first significant onto you all individual makes I said hello that's a little intense and we got on a date than anyone since Ronan must be getting married that that saw a lot of pressure a second problem I found was a tendency to rely on groups to secure a healthy interpersonal relationships and the idea here was that instead of begging someone you just hang out in groups and that you don't get to spend it with too much time alone with someone and so you just hang out in the group when you watch them from a distance and in one day to go out to you decide you know I seen a character I really like it so you going to speak to her dad and you say to the dad listen now you got to regard chopping wood together saw you going to start talking with you and as a jumping way decided that you know I'm ready I'm really been impressed with your daughter and it is instead to take the ax and not circumvent the dramatic finger digits and so you do this for a while and then eventually use it as well in general the conditions and zeros that my concerns and name and name he talks with her and she tells her feelings and if I needed to get to you follow the model so the problem is with this group approach that seemed to give enough information that was needed and adenosine to do enough to grow a healthy and secure individual particular for someone like me who didn't have a godly parents of this was a challenging model I sometimes you can also ignore chemistry and personality well you know Abby this is a wonderful guide your dad comes to you wonderful guy you know he's training to be a past already like in fact I like his family so that would be a good good reason to get together and so I like you to go ahead and an enormous dimensions and you like but that when I look at him I is nothing there I feel like a piece of cardboard you know with no seasoning it's just not working for me so that the challenge Shiite is that sometimes this can lead to what I'll do is get married on the basis of character and ignore chemistry and personality but the biggest thing that I find is that people who engage in this model tend to just follow a set of methods check the box any monotony to give you some methods be careful that you not just shaking the box this is much more about where your heart is when you really readjust Harrises block I could say goodbye you see that he's aware of these problems I is not ignoring them but the way people were up applying it in my life was that they were pushing me in this direction not recognizing that I needed to grow and I need to get to know people better I mean in a disconnected society you got to be the lead university that parents about the gull and chop wood with your dad is a challenging model so how else could we do it's so there I look at some biblical examples would this be Rebecca so there's Rebecca and you know the settlement is sent along any praise anything you know if the officer one of my camels man I'll know that she's the one assigned comes true he tells you to come with me she's like many of these go home and they check to the to the family she actually bikes and how they kept to the family and then she takes over the guy said that's a really scary model reminded me of the ago you came to me and she said I been praying about my future partners this is wonderful I and she says but I need your help I said what when you need my help with she said I'd like you to speak to him what you want me to say he said could you tell him that he needs to bring roses and put them on my doorstep I said why would I ask them to do that because that's the sign I been asking God for it he's not doing it this is a scary way if you treat the story wrongly suggest some things not to learn some lessons not to lend is that simply asking God for a sign is not what you're looking at here when a when Abrams sent about the characteristic that characterize Abraham the most of his whole character was hospitality assuming you that so when he goes into Abraham 's homeland and he looks for a woman what's the key characteristic is looking for hospitality and feeding the camels was no small job enormous camels drink you have any time she would have to gone and got water for them this would take another couple of hours this wasn't just a sign this is a sign of character so don't just ask for a sinus are good enough I particularly don't just marry a stranger the authors you guess that's not the point of the story that's very counsel Miller says that I believe I can learn from the stars all the way through the story just when I notice they are surrendering Abraham surrenders to God and since I manage the wife is a believer fall for Isaac this seething syringes violating his diagram canto I fixed the ring this to his father 's wishes and C2 surrenders to the servant choosing the settlement surrenders to God this is about a process of surrender that's the foundation of this so submitting your designs the gap of one when the second one is saying God 's already revealed will Abraham refused to choose a Canaanite continue that was outside of God 's will is real quiet day godly parents and mentors to help you know Isaac was willing to have them participate in this software throughout Abraham 's brainless servant 's brain when she gets back Isaac 's brain oh Lord let it be beautiful anyway it's that raw frames and then clearly they were also watching for God 's leading God we want you to be involved to want to see you leaving so don't get the wrong story yet there is a process and the process is about a process of surrender process of praying and a process of watching God 's leading and then when it does come down to its is not a delay that I don't all you know what I'll come back with you next year they follow whatever God 's will is right-wing I have to you just as you feel that God is sending you to get married this comments I can't get married right away will these engagements take place effigy once you see that's not the points the point is to say there are things that you know God is calling you to do do those things right now right like if he's having you I want you to change the way you relate to each other the human to change the way you relate to each other and don't delay in those decisions so you are the steps that we have been a recommend for the process of mate selection is not a great the footstep is this figure out where you'll all are and become hole in Christ focus on your relationship with God ladies who is your husband right Jesus is your asthma right so let him be your husband footsteps with ready to make a difference think about your life calling on you preparing for you like when your singleness is a gift right now to enable you to prepare for life why would you waste it on some loser of the communal weaknesses develop strings find out more about who you are billed some quality same-sex friendships and some nonexclusive opposite sex friendships just connect you know you are not good ready to rush into a relationship if you don't know who you are you just the liability and it will come back to bite you history has a way of repeating itself and if you if you come like I have from a broken background then I had to figure out what went wrong in my parents marriage and in my own life before I could date effectively and that's why had a number of relationships that did not work out well people who are magnetically attracted to each other just like two magnets that comes with each other those kinds of people who explains magnetic attraction often have something missing in themselves that they trying to satisfy by bringing another person into their lives and he has how relationships work they look by multiplication not by addition have times half which equals how much affluence not half plus half the only way you can get to becoming one is we need a one times one not addition and multiplication and so when you get to have people desperately needing something themselves and they get attracted to someone else like that it's a dangerous relationship and you need a break out of magnetize people you see are controlled by force they don't understand identify what in-house and instinct not a reason that driven by imbalances and so cannot hold people to become Christ is that they need to develop a dependence on Christ that brings in the balance and wholeness or they will develop independence on someone else they become codependent which is just another word for idolatrous and so when you start worshiping someone else you can't wait to be with that person dangerous I dated a girl and I remember she told me I'm not sure I want to be a Christian and that she said I definitely don't want to be a pastor 's wife since I sent you I love you so much I'm willing to not be a pastor if I can say in this relationship I had made her into an idol hood my desire for her about my desire for God so what can you do yet make Christ the center of your life per July Karen Christ and not a person I develop some skills to support a family because when you get married that will become a reality avoid emotional involvement with the opposite sex continue to find your own wholeness that the practice and self-discipline you definitely going to need a window almost again evaluate your own character in my mind why am I like this develop you on personalities are just doesn't get consumed another person and the whole way along surrender to God however you are not in a relationship or willing to take the step right now just right you have the ability to grow and thus become holy Christ Iraq and that's I think that would be critical remember that marriage will not make you happy this is not a Cinderella story researchers tracked more than twenty four thousand people from ninety eighty four to nineteen ninety five asking participants every year to rate the overall life satisfaction from zero totally unhappy team totally happy the average was from marriage was small one fan Bob one point on the scale I mean you have a temporary blip for the honeymoon and then it would come back down to normal people who get married and stay married how a lot more satisfied than average long before the marriage has occurred in other words marriage doesn't make you happy affect what they did find is that people who are unhappy before they got married were a whole lot of unhappy after they got married so so much for Cinderella and Prince charming until God calls you into marriage he called you to focus on becoming holding him your security identities and heart must be bound up in your friendship with him without this marriage will not bring you happiness can you say amen to that all right so we talked about the love cups already structured so the first step you find wholeness in Asia South Pacific instead observing and outage checking out the talents for the sake of God 's future generations right how would you do this focus on building some quality friendships this is what you're going to value when you leave college when you leave high school unit value for the rest of your life on the quality friendships he built one of the saddest things that can ever happen is you take somebody for four years and you break up and you realize you have no friends but I've seen couples do that so instead focus on building friendships first you spend some time together in groups done at the stage single each other out don't indicate interest both feel out the other person why not why wouldn't you want to say you know I'm just just appreciating this friendship so much and I just enjoy your company since this is so nice to be with you I want here and wanted to the moment you express interest in forever changes the relationship of friendship you can never go back once you've expressed interest is just now because either your hearts can be broken there are well in all I mean in ICU like a brother in law they go how you feel like that about me too that's the way I feel about you and in you dive headlong into relationship remember knowledge before commitments so I don't expect interested you are evaluating character you're evaluating that person 's personality are a few quotes that I think are important at this on page fifty seven to trifle with hearts that's the myths with someone else's hot is a crime of no small life magnitude in the side of a holy God and yet so will show preference for young ladies and call out the restrictions any go away and forget all about the woods they have spoken and their effect and you face attracts them and they repeat the same woods and about to another the same attentions and I got I got to see when I was a chaplain with an Academy I stopped asking how things were going in a relationship since I all yeah by the way how's Jane looks at me like Jane that was two relationships ago I'm now on season that he realized the hoax how did you do that it's been it's been three weeks then well you know and that's that's the challenge yes so they just moved from one person to another don't do that a woman is a sacred person of value and so is the man we need to treat them that way so at this stage some hints for you don't make mental or emotional commitments I don't trifle with someone's heart you don't really know them well enough just to just flow it would then evaluate the character the personality surrendering and keep praying for the sun this is not the time to squeeze you feel the tingles to express your interest because those tingles of faith quick example clients of a terrible examples thank you Lord for saving me I was a theology student in again I have this hole in my heart by the know about it I just thought I was normal and so I went out I guess it is normal to have a hole in your heart I thought I was safe and I I went to go and visit this go I I had to actually get it was she was in Zimbabwe and I had to get on a chicken bus to get there was this this bus are overloaded with people literally with chickens on people 's laps and I was automated to go and see the skull and then the bus broke down and then we had to get we radio full bus but they put us into another bus light on how they did that but in Africa is always room for one more and so we we managed to sample all of us into another bus with now more chickens and more people and we finally make it big and I see the skull and I'm just I'm enamored with she she's just everything I imagine at a distance and so we getting together an event that I wanted you to go out and like okay what are you suggesting this is wanting to go under the drive and divisional environments you drive with your car you watch a movie outside as like I'm a theology student outside of your right foot tonight you know since her dad wins us the pickup truck with a mattress in the back of its to go in watch a drive-in movie and I'm naïve enough to not go along maybe that's what gave me the trucks so that we go and we pocketed sightseeing with a bit of the truck facing this movie and it was so some Michael Jackson song playing free will need to will something and thought Marriott in the back Darren Michael Jackson singing and I'm looking across the skull could die keynote and we got a cab over us but we looking up through the decorative on looking across at him in the moonlight 's just striking a face just right I'm again going when what and not next thing before realizing what I'm doing my hand drifts across that so as you watch those hands grabs a hold of her hand and I look ahead and I don't when you go out with me and maybe it's like sending me the record breakthrough and the picture great shot and I'm looking at under one thousand two eight and I'm feeling a hand and a hand is the fondest notice ahead with a little rough which eliminated any difference whatsoever but in the moment is like a right-handed pencil meet him in trouble again I'm not either I don't really know the scope I mean is if I came up yarn a women run the chicken bus and everything else one might do it and she turns back she goes yes yes and it was a little too enthusiastic for my liking so I didn't understand and I do not respond to did you hear me I said yes and I like that's writes in his and twenty four dollars late I broken up with her because that's right this guy I will call with knothole and so I evaluated the gag anybody had was that prayed about I haven't surrendered it to God I had gone with the emotion you see the danger yet and I'd expressed an interest before I was ready to do that so be careful not for my mistakes and that's fair enough a majority of characterized by the inability to do what way the individual defendant now I need about if you and the rest of you live another month doesn't matter so you don't have to rush into marriage you don't have to rush into dating and courtship the more you do your homework the list you risk particle mistake now contrast I'm meeting my wife to be and the coal on getting to know and I said how can I really get to know if I said that I I told her that I said look I'm wanting to get to know you are we admit on the campus of Andrews University none of us that he did but we do so each other from a distance and I felt on a brief meeting on speaker it wasn't romantic of SH is what comes because I tried I went up and I said hi to him after the seminar and she goes high and they were walked off the bike will hug that would work out so well bizarre like all right I should not of followed impressions you know that don't do that but did later on a friend of valves hypocrite and she couldn't knows anyone can join us and I like to use us and these the scope fortunately she didn't recognize me so I went tonight I connected with her and aren't synonymous this is a guy I just felt the bridge to talk to but one website but the more I listened to the more I began to appreciate the character she told me how she was administered the and how she is witnessing and the people she cared for and you know I got I started to get excited and by the next day I'm really talking to have been going on with you I I like what I'm seeing in this goal she says whites don't rush this so I waited a week him and then I I contacted her and that she was coming up that we were both attending a conference of General conference together and I may convict again and we started dialoguing than she does look if you really want to get to know me you need to see me again what I'm doing and she was a Cold War leader to and I'm not to be going training to cope with leaders I went to come with me so I rearrange my schedule I went with her annual she did to me we arrived in the field and she says what is someone here to them you need someone to work with them because they were underage and there from another country and success can you work with them I thought about how to do ordering FW we find she kicked me out of the air-conditioned car but she continued driving around training the Lida and I was stuck out in the heat with some student I didn't even know not knowing what I was doing I think why would she do that to me I think I like this at electronic arts see the analogy would be that felt by train action a great time training and she was watching to see how I would handle it seemed we had both West and we would know in each other 's characterization was testing so that I sent how else can I get to know some winter driving back we started talking I think you know I I still like you to go find off and I said so what you think she says what when on a date in fact you not younger when when I got to win she was dropping off at the airport she said nodding at a hugging goodbye you just needed to go back and regain your senses could you busters insincere and I have so I went back the holy of the plane going this is so great this is a wonderful dinner and I get back and we started corresponding and she says look you don't really know me sizing beneath all the people in your life that I might know I mean I could tell me about you and social she gave me home mom is here and I I wrote to her mom and then I wrote to and I wrote to mentor of those who knew her very well and I spoke to her best friend I could give me the lowdown and the low down was Nicole has grown so much like what is that means is this man you know I spoke to mom and reports but also told me you are you know Nicole has been issues I'm like well look at document with that move well I discovered that every thought going to end she spoke to people who knew me and we thought of finding out about each other because we really wanted to note is this the kind of person who I could be with for the rest of my life and I have a listing and you guys have less and I had like five season on love I can remember them all now the shoe of Christ Michigan communicated to the last go I dated you know for three and a half years she told me that she would like an open book but I do know which page she was on as I said I need some one who can give Munich 's County which pages on sisal in the call could be that you could tell me which page was on that was helpful I said you know these could she resolve conflict and an side deliberately bring a conflict justice yes you would handle it and then you have well if I that I than I said is is this a person who has a commitment to ministry and I so she clearly had that and I didn't ask you know is a chemistry in a result chemistry then we may make great friends but the chemistry you know is going to help the round that out so this was part of what we were evaluating an weekly checking things out the more you do your homework is hot acorn or risk you take I love you what to add the song says make haste slowly she knows you to make Jesus as I put the brakes on the go so fast by a few statements that will help you recognize if this is love or lust well sure a lot of this is how she finds it what she will love will take God into all its plans will be in perfect harmony with the spirit of God passion will be noticed these keywords relentlessly headstrong rash unreasonable define double restraint and will make the object of its choice and I don't so you know if you find is that I discovered that we hidden a man of the cost the minute that I don't care what anybody else says I don't I love this person when it may not be pure love that maybe something that is infatuation instead of left truelove however is not a strong fly Reagan pages passion on the country it is called an deep in its nature it looks beyond mere externals and is attracted by what qualities alone is wise and discriminating and his devotion therefore is real and abiding so what the call told me she said I remember singing a question to her we've been dialoguing about a month at a distance I was in Africa she was in the states and I said do I center a question the big question and I said will you go out with me and she wrote back no I said why not she said because right now you are driven by emotions and I can trust myself to you because I don't know if your emotions will change that she had good reason to believe that based on my history she has said that and I foolishly told us some of that something that was not in my growth and wholeness fishing you you're not thinking straight so then I thought about it and that's what helped me to recognize that we need another stage to and so I sent back the not so big question no it was I know when not to go out right now but will you commence to finding out what is God 's will for this relationship she said yes so that began out makes stationing yet as we said we can commit to find out what is God 's will we had to test and see what all the lifestyle doctrinal issues integrity personality issues that could be serious pitfalls before the motion began walking motion to convince somebody needs to be like my wife recent slowdown you going too fast make haste slowly so that's when you become not just France now let's be honest I I haven't found a good term for this maybe you guys will come up with us I dissipates them and come up with is intentional friendship what's the difference between friendship and intentional friendship in intentional friendship on communicating with this person because I want to find out what is God 's plan for this but I'm not yet ready to commit myself as I don't know enough about that up with now if we lived in the all days where we will all in the same town in the same village I get to know that was without an intentional friendship that could work but in today's world particularly on different continents we recognize that we no longer just friends we moved beyond that we now intentional about this and so this is where you begin to indicate interest slowly in small ways I guess I needed to slow down and she slowed me down I you would make global commitment cautiously if at all and you begin to see prudent counsel from others just like we did when you think on this visit will say things that you need to be aware of at this point don't let intimacy get a hit of commitment all you really committed at this stage we also can you become intimate venues on holding hands no acres you don't know enough about that person don't let commitment getting it of knowledge so you have to get the knowledge before you can develop any commitments and before you can have any intimacy get wise counsel is received from others I spoke to those who closest thing you meet people he knew that say what you think about this and again in every step of this on this process you going to be some Maureen God and praying that he guides this process intimacy will happen as this person moves closer towards you and you become more vulnerable with them we know that intimacy happens when you share feelings so if you have a person and by intimacy I don't necessarily mean physical intimacy I mean emotionally if you start sharing your feelings like you know I feel really scared when this happens that person is no longer just an acquaintance you move them into a friend maybe even into a close friend when you start talking about your fears your insecurities your feelings you are bringing them down through the circle closer to you as of this process since don't rush to do that work through the stages of being an acquaintance I'm getting to see them as a friend and NATO's of getting into allowing him into closest circle of intimate friends amusing that in terms of emotional intimacy some questions to ask at this stage is this person a lot like Jesus Griffey not what you do run it another problem is that Seabrook said we don't run from sin we got a call away hoping it'll catch up with us and so we don't run fibrillation for magnified to scroll away no combing back the second thing that you want to ask is is this person a lot like you not only is on a lot like Jesus but on a lot like you spiritually to the shade of spiritual values socially on a you know if you put an extreme introvert an extreme extrovert together that's got to be challenging on intellectually like you I can only get bored in a relationship and they like to spend their habits like you do an image of time because this can be a best friend if you don't like doing stuff together you can make it work a lot harder I like this book things I wish I'd known before I got married by Gary Chapman and that one of the things the brick brings out is I wish I'd known that like mother like daughter like father like son is in the mess you know we often reflect our parents on the things he wished he had known and this is just things to consider besides toilets are not self-cleaning and what he means by that is for instance he grew up in a house where new note is the point it's just cleaned by his mom and she grew up in a house with that something that the dead bids you know every weekend dad would come and clean the toilets and so when they got married this would happen why'd you clean the toilets he's like they need clean this house that we needed a plan for handing out money you know this is something you thinking ahead about structuring Galactica how does this person spend money that you married into a family what is that family like you keep it a figure that out because they can become your family are that spirituality is not to be equated with going to church guys you know this is the the thing that I'm always worried about is that he's got so much potential pass what you mean by that guanine like he started going to cherish and I I even saw them sing once in yeah what's the spirituality actually like that personality profoundly influences behavior you know this person 's personality is really benefit how they are now in the spindle of the time on that note CRO different forms of spirituality differences the optimist versus the pessimists the processes the glass half-full from half empty the optimist is gained to do risky things that all work out somehow they could do it in the business is like nine nothing really thought about this in a lounge we have enough money to do that Theophilus like what's wrong with you you never have any foot and then I marry each other very interesting the need makes with the slobs first they'll be fine undermine cleaning up after him but after you pick up that sock of the floor thousands time it really begins the impact on the article you would only put those away why don't you ever and then you get into those kinds of monuments and be aware up with now different than you have to did see was a babbling brook the evidence is just the piece con in all and they love being with a babbling brook when I first get together because you don't have to say much see you need to take the conversation to a hearing on keeps going but when I get married suddenly that it seems like I need peace and quiet and she's like not wanting to initiate your feelings with me initially she was like such a great listener you know you just think of philosophy and empathize a half all can feel like he is likely to talk law by negative and you can talk soon also this is a challenge being in the passes with his vigorous as you know the people to make things happen the people who watch things happen and so the passive people alike why does like to come watch for a while and figure it out for now all in all pilots make something happen yet think that you know and I will know I think I think I'm feeling uncomfortable yet I go back to my bed the also there's just different personalities the people who are the professors the more logic in a lineup bang bang bang bang bang like a like a little mathematical formula and knows what dances the intuitive people the people who like to just experience life the more experiential and I get together and they love it known he so good because see how we handle situations of phonological and greater like you should bring satisfied and spontaneity into my life this is great and if they get married in his life she's so illogical she's driving me nuts and she regularly also blogging at logical mind you have some fun and then you have you know the organizer and in similar characteristics not everything is laid out the sizing one of us is the free spirit and you can see you could have some overlap between these two so in this incident three you agree now new UI Institute for fight on have a good definition for this purpose of the best I can do dating that leads to according you think of that dating at least according here your intentional friends yet you dating the convenience according out why urges courtship because of the pressure of courtship that if you jump into courtship what are people expecting you to get married such that I can't just do courtship I got to figure out from the outset I came up with the stating at least according this is where you come in several committed relationship gets her interested when declaring a interest of making the more public and you still continue getting focused on getting to know each other 's personality and character and your progressing slowly in your emotional intimacy what's that he would slowly your new opening up to each other sharing with each other and your regulating physical intimacy by counseling conviction I guess when you need counsel and conviction you don't know we could boundary lines are many just be honest with you the whole month the raging you see it you sit next him and your hearts just pumping of blond blond blond you can't think straight you don't have a frontal lobe anymore so you need counsel and in any conviction because when you get the counsel you become convicted we need to do things when you need act on that conviction and I'll give you an example of what needed in our relationship for some critical things to do yet be honest communicate well with the other person with those around you really open communication we got a great book to help us with communication getting to really know you like me to be unfortunately it's now out-of-print and cost you forty bucks to get it online because someone is making a killing every time I mentioned in the seminar so instead is another question called one hundred and one questions to ask before you get engaged is not quite as good as the other one but the does the same kind of thing and we use it to ask each other questions like this is you were to give a gift to your dad how much would you give anyone an escalation if you were to give a gift to my dad how much would it be one of three things you like about your parents marriage what are three things you wish you could change what are three things you like about yourself what are three things you wish you could change if we had a disabled child how would you react what would be your reaction so we had these and we just take like One-A-Day and they would have a discussion over them so that we we could find out more about each other as we were evaluating character and personality make haste slowly gaining emotional intimacy and physical and surrender so I'm just emphasizing that and continue to pray this was our covenant we made a covenant I'm just giving you one phrase out of the covenant we choose to avoid other romantic attachments until we are sure of the will of God for our relationship if after prayerful consideration counsel either of us believes God is not leading us together he or she will be free to share the reasons why in honesty and to terminate this relationship without guilt we also put other things in our covenant likely wouldn't have prolonged and intense hiking and we do the fadeout kiss for our wedding day is helpful when you live in two different continents so we would together with some of the time we put this covenant together and we said that's what you got ahold into it and it was hot many tell you there were times when her lips would make any mind but I held strong until awaiting day and it was it was great effect and are waiting when we kids the groomsman along you about covenant they held up little signs for us like cannot attend and nine five in arthritis cited is what we were doing watching every sentiment and watch every development off character in the one with whom you think to link your life destiny while you may love do not love blindly as I said before marriage you should keep your eyes wide open after marriage half shut examine carefully to see if your married life would be happy or inharmonious and rich and that the questions be raised will listen union helping heavenward notice the coincidence number one two will it increase my love for God so we wouldn't enlarge my sphere of usefulness in this life if these reflections present no drawback in this is at the stage then in the fear of God that's an important phrase move forward and has how you to move forward young woman exit of the life companion only one who possesses peculiar man he traits of character one who is diligent aspiring and honest one who loves and fears God on two of those characteristics five for men is in your choice of a wife studying the character this evidence on page forty six will she be one who will be patient and painstaking yeah should've been more diligent in asking the question why my wife can be impatient that's a children learn patience they were very seriously had no characteristic she had patients and painstaking this and I realized this is what I want to the person and has continued to grow when you wait stats they appear on the final stage leading to marriage and that's engagement this is a commitment to marriage and a lifetime of ministry together it has a definite timeline and is some instructions I have here long engagements are not wise so you shouldn't you shouldn't wait too long however I noticed this when I'm sorry that you've been tangled yourself in any courtship with NEA in the first place your anxiety upon this question is premature sound judgment and discretion will bid you wait for one or two years but for you to select one to be in your mind and affections that length of time would not be prudent for you or just to the one to whom you pay your address know what this means is she saying don't rush into making a commitment that way you aren't getting it married in a year or two from now why would that be a challenge when you think the physicals to be a real challenge right and it can be hard to hold back and you can be growing in intimacy and then also what you've got is your whole lives are hanging on the future decision social engagements on generally better however there are times when you can break and engagement do not think the engagement makes a positive necessity for you to take upon yourself the marriage valid and link yourself for life to one whom you cannot love and respect be very careful how you intervene to conditional engagements so that would be careful of the beginning but then I thought better break the engagement before marriage and separate afterward as many do so you got it you can still break it at this point so oil on the when testing should we go forward should we go forward is this the next step are we ready to enter the next step by the time you reach your rating to commit your life on the basis of character and ministry and true love and caring for that other person rather than just on feelings this links to a solid confident commitment based on the knowledge of God and knowledge of self and a knowledge of the other person at this point once you're engaged you should have premarital counseling premarital counseling is shown to give you a thirty percent higher chance of staying married and not having an solid premarital counseling is definitely worthwhile you should be completely transparent if there are ghosts in your past you need to let the other person know about those ghosts and he said what if they need me a bit to find out now than to find out three years into the marriage and you know it's really a wonderful thing you know when I on the one couple of the fifth fiancé admitted to his bride-to-be he said look I struggled with addictions on the Internet you know what I'm talking about and that she was shocked and we had to go through of healing but she said you know I want to thank you because I recognize that you don't treat woman like that anymore and that God is working on your hearts now she said I do have a question is this current or in the past and he said it's in the past but as the recent past and she said well why don't we whites before we get married to make sure that this doesn't come into out out management and he agreed that it was not a wise way to handle that and so just complete transparency careful physical boundaries in all you try to determine how you can do this and I think we put that in our covenant and then again create answering the ongoing important part of this process so what you think will work good process and the good news is I got married highly so where I have been soon you will be so prepare yourself to follow me I got to pray and if anyone has any questions I'm happy to answer the question found God we want to thank you that you have given us an incredible opportunity to engage in your plan for relationships and what I know that I've been an imperfect person in following you but I want to thank you that when it came to meeting my wife we took counsel we surrender to you and we gave up trying to make it on all and because of that you would make to into one we thank you for this will in Jesus name we pray amen this media was brought by osteoporosis a website dedicated to spreading God 's word through reading sermon audio and much more you would like to know more about our universe is like this is more so than please visit www. audio tours or

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