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SALT

Two Peas In a Pod

Alan Parker

Part 1: The Dating Trap

Part 2: Steps To a Godly Marriage

Part 3: Understanding Your Partner

Part 4: Connecting Through Conflict

Father God, we are so grateful to be here to talk about something that's important and yet it's also something that is fun and enjoyable and that's the process of love.

So be with us as I share my story, as we walk through the process of how to deal with dating and courtship, and may it be to your glory, for we pray this in Jesus' name, amen.

I'm a professor at Southern Adventist University, director of the SALT program, and my wife and I give a lot of presentations on relationships and how people go through relationships.

So what we're talking about this afternoon is that process of crawling into love, how do you do dating, and I'm going to suggest a variety of things here.

And the first thing we're going to begin with, stage 1, is observation.

Before you start dating, you need to know some things.

1 is readiness, number 2 is knowledge, and number 3 is providence.

And we're going to briefly talk about each 1 of those areas.

So how do you know if you're ready to date?

In 1 seminar, 2 12 year olds sitting in the front row holding hands like what are you doing?

But you know How do you know if you're ready?

So number 1, what's your financial readiness?

If you're 12 and you're earning 10 or 15 bucks a week in pocket money, you're probably not ready financially for this commitment.

1 of the things you have to think about, if you're going to date, then you are interested in marriage at some point.

Now, I do think that there is a place for casual dating, particularly group dating, but it depends what I mean by dating.

You see, what a lot of people think of when they think of dating is an exclusive commitment, where I put my hand on your hand, and we stare into each other's eyes, and we whisper sweet nothings.

Now, if that's what you mean by dating, then you need to be ready for marriage, because that's what it's headed for.

But if by casual dating, I mean you guys go out and do a fun activity together, and it's a group of you, then that's fine.

It's okay to get to know members of the opposite sex in this more casual way, but when it becomes exclusive, when it becomes a serious commitment, then you need to start thinking about these questions.

And that already eliminates a huge number of this audience.

Number 2, are you surrendered to God or are you more interested in your own opinions?

And then number 3, what is your maturity?

Because you don't really understand yourself.

And this is something that as you grow in understanding, you do better in relationships.

That's why we find when people date before the age of 18, their relationships don't last very long.

That's why I'm always scared when I'm dealing with high school kids to ask about how their boyfriend or girlfriend is because I say, how's Jack?

Jack, I mean, that was 2 relationships ago.

So I've learned to be cautious, because that's the nature of relationships at that age.

They tend to, there tends to be more breakups because the maturity just isn't there.

You see, each 1 of us from our past have landmines.

And they're in your life and you end up triggering them and it's relationships that teach you where those landmines are.

But the better relationships to do this than dating relationships is relationships with your parents or with your friends.

So you don't know what kind of landmines are there.

And these landmines are waiting just to be triggered.

But when I got into a relationship with a girlfriend, strange things happened.

I'm in a serious relationship for the first time in my life.

And suddenly I start discovering I can get angry.

Before I was in a relationship, I didn't get angry, at least in my mind.

And so 1 day, my girlfriend and I are out washing the car, and she's not doing it right.

Because there's certain ways to wash a car.

And so I'm getting more and more irritated at how she's washed the car.

And the whole time I'm thinking, why am I getting so frustrated about something so small?

Does it really matter if you wash the car this way or that way?

Because it has nothing to do with karate, kid.

That was an ancient illustration for most of you.

So I'm trying to figure out Why am I getting so frustrated over how you wash the car?

And pretty soon, I'm so boiling mad, I get in the car, I say, get in, it's her car, a brand new car that her father has given her.

We're in this narrow place with 2 concrete walls on either side.

I'm so mad, I just accelerate out and I hear this scraping sound.

And there the car, her brand new car from her father is scraped up.

And I pull out, and now, First I'd be mad at her, now I'm mad at myself.

I'm trying to figure out why is it that such a nice guy can suddenly get so irritated.

See, I had landmines in my life that I didn't know were there.

And my immaturity meant that I was taking out on my girlfriend and her car instead of really figuring out what was going on.

And as a result, that relationship was a mess because I was constantly being immature.

And so what I needed was a place, a community, where I could learn maturity without being in a relationship.

Does that connect with any of you out there?

And what you've got to do is don't trust yourself.

And then be willing to listen to their answers.

Because they often will know you better than yourself and they can say, hey, you need to be careful here because I don't think you've reached that level of maturity yet.

Then you start looking at this member of the opposite sex and you go, I think there's potential here.

I just like the way she was so sweet at potluck when she brought me my haystacks and put it down there and smiled at me.

Of course, She brought it to everyone else in the room, but it felt special, you know, the way she put it down.

And I kind of, I've been watching her, so how do I know?

So before you date, we suggest observation.

Some of the things you can, questions you can ask is, you know, what can you learn from observation?

Series

Two Peas In a Pod

Part 2: Steps To a Godly Marriage

Transcript

Parent Series

Sponsor

Recorded

The Great Decision: Who Should I Marry?

1h 19m

Dating Isn't For Cowards

Dating Isn’t For Cowards- Part 2

51m

Relationships

Fit to be Tied

57m

God's Love Stories (Noon Meetings)

10. Doing Right

43m

Biblical Relationships (Afternoon meetings)

Overcoming the Myths of Marriage

32m

How to Find a Life Partner Who Will Increase Your Usefulness In Service

1h 21m

Biblical Relationships (Afternoon meetings)

Preparing to Tie the Knot (Part 1)

29m

Marriage Heart to Heart

1. An Enduring Commitment

1h 5m

To Have and to Hold on

Holding On - Part 5

1h 13m

Relationships and Family Life

My ‘Single’ Desire

1h 24m

Romantic Relationship Seminar

02 How God Prepares You for Your Spouse

49m

Blessed are the Pure in Heart

How to Choose a Good Mate

52m

Sound Doctrine