WYC 2009: This Mind In You

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GYC West

Phil Mills, Sr: Thinking About Relationships

Phil Mills

Courtship Readiness

We want to cover 4 topics in our series, and those who come to the series will have a syllabus at the end.

The first 2 of the lectures, possibly the third, will be in the syllabus, and then the last 1 will not be.

And from this we'll try to cover a lot of the major principles of happiness in marriage.

Now if you'll look at the various practices around the world, and again I apologize for the feeling blue on the screen.

On my screen It's very beautiful pictures, but you go into various places in the world and you find completely different plans for courtship and marriage.

I was just talking to some folk from India who had arranged marriages.

Their parents arranged the marriage and they think that any other kind of marriage is a bad 1 and it shouldn't be done.

I had a resident, here was a person probably 35 years old, she came and she rotated on my service, and because I was just about to give a series on courtship and marriage, I asked her how she had met her husband, and she didn't even want to tell me.

But I said, well, it'll be interesting because I'm going to be going to give some lectures on this topic.

And so she was willing to share with me that what had happened is her parents had answered an ad in a Hindu paper from the country she was from, and that her husband's parents had put the ad in the Hindu paper.

And so out of the people who had replied to this ad for their son, they selected the...

So they went out, interviewed with the parents.

The son was an engineer in the United States.

They liked the parents, they met the daughter, they decided this was the proper person for their son.

And so he flew back to the country she was from.

3 days before they were married, they met for the first time.

And 3 days later, they were married, and they have a very happy marriage.

I asked her if this is what she planned to do for her children, and she wasn't sure.

This sounds very strange to our Western ears.

However, this is the way it has been usually done throughout most history and in most places of the world.

Christ's marriage himself is likened to a certain king who arranged a marriage for his son.

Until 250 years ago, even in Western cultures, this is how marriage and courtship was conducted.

Parents would choose the spouse for the children.

The children had little involvement on who they were going to marry.

They just depended on their parents to choose them a good spouse.

But that changed with the Romantic period.

You had the Romantic period of music, you had the Romantic period of literature, art, and courtship.

And we've come down to the place where parents are not to even give any input to the children, not to be involved in the selection.

We've gone from 1 extreme, the parents with little input from the children, to the children with little input from the parents.

And generations now have grown up, been married with this type of pattern.

But the romantic period is coming to an end.

There was a headline article in the Wall Street Journal, and this was just a few years ago, and it was entitled, A Key to a Lasting Marriage.

In fact, the reason I found this is I was on the way, passing through the airport on the way to give a lecture on courtship and marriage, a series something like this.

And I saw the key to a lasting marriage, combat.

There's a growing body of sociological and psychological literature that suggests there's no such thing as a compatible couple.

All couples tend to argue about the same things.

They shouldn't even think this was a problem.

Good homes are said to be discordant homes.

They were to give up on agreement and just simply agree to disagree.

And then they made some practical suggestions, such as including weekly fights.

But if fighting saves marriage, why just limit it to weekly?

Instruction in fighting was recommended for each spouse.

It was a serious article presenting some of the biggest names in marriage counseling today.

It did have some practical counsel as well, but just as the romantic period of art and music came to an end, the romantic period of courtship in marriage seems to have come to an end.

People just live together, don't even bother with marriage.

But when the experts conclude that the key to a lasting marriage is fighting, They prove the truth of Isaiah's observation, the way of peace they know not.

Unless the Lord builds your house, you will labor in vain to build it.

I remember making a decision that some of you have made, some of you are in the process of deciding whether you want to make it or not.

When I was determining what course I was going to be taking in my own personal dating and who I would marry.

And I made the decision that's the best decision I ever made, and that is I will follow God's principles of courtship and marriage, and only marry someone that God would approve.

I regret a lot of decisions I've made in my life, but that's 1 decision that I have no regrets for.

And That's why I want to share with you the principles that go into making a happy home.

Our theme is cross, Christian's resources on spouse selection.

And I'm excited to share this with you because I know the joy that comes as a result of following these principles.

It's a Bible and spirit of prophecy based seminar.

There is a theme in Scripture on courtship and marriage and on homes.

Now, I'm going to be using current sociological and psychological literature, but I don't want you to misunderstand.

I'm not pointing to these as authorities.

The Bible is the authority, but the latest in the research simply illustrates the truth that the Bible made clear in its principles.

God's Word is the authority for successful happy dating, resulting in successful happy marriage.

And research merely documents the truth of the Word of God.

If I was going to give you a talk on internal medicine or dermatology or physical medicine or 1 of the areas, You couldn't do that in 4 lectures and cover the entire topic.

We want to go over how you can predict the future, how you can know whether a person that you're thinking of marrying is likely in 20 years to make a good spouse or not.

We want to look at those in 1 of our topics.

I can't cover the specifics and every specific situation is different.

But we can give these general principles which I believe that will be helpful to you.

Now the principles of dating, courtship, and marriage are universal.

However, the applications may be different from person to person.

And each situation has a lot of variables that need to be considered.

I have learned that in a group this size, there's gonna be a lot of different problems that they face.

There's going to be some here that have already gone through an experience that has left you with confusion or perhaps guilt.

Some may be in a – feel that they're in a trapped relationship.

There may be someone here who is struggling with loneliness.

There may be someone who is feeling they're compelled to accept a non-Christian life's partner because there's nobody else in town.

There are sensitive, very close, emotional, important decisions, And I want to be sensitive to those.

Courtship and marriage affects our deepest and strongest thoughts and feelings.

And so these are very difficult situations.

There may be someone here who's secretly struggling with either thoughts or habits or practices that are morally impure.

And I want you to know that God's Word gives the solutions to escape from the bondage of moral impurity.

The Bible can bring peace and key to victory in every area.

Years ago, the king of Israel gave the secret to dating and happy marriages.

Believe in the Lord your God, he said, believe His and you will be established.

Believe His prophets and you will prosper.

This is a formula to prosper not only in dating but in every area of our lives.

The books of Genesis and Judges reveal that those when a church, when a nation abandoned God's principles of courtship and marriage, it ended up destroying the nation.

The Tests for Genuine Love

Just a quick review, we looked at not despising the opportunities of the unmarried ministry.

2, we looked at recognizing God's timing for courtship, the 1 who acts hastily makes poor choices.

We looked at sufficient age as a general rule.

The Bible age considers this to be sufficient physical development, mental development, life experience, financial resources to begin to consider marriage.

It's good to date somebody who's at least 20.

By this age, the direction of life can be more easily determined.

The future is more predictable because you have more past.

You have a better feel for how they're going to be at age 40.

You don't loan money to somebody if they don't have a credit history.

You don't marry somebody who doesn't have sufficient life experiences that you can just see how he is as a worker or she is as a worker.

And then, of course, sufficient experience to run and maintain an organized home, sufficient experience to have a job and financial base to sustain a family.

Now, what if you're old enough and you're experienced enough?

What lack I yet, as a rich young ruler asked Jesus.

I meet many singles with a list of requirements for a prospective mate.

I remember my son, he made this long list of what his wife was going to be.

I'm always interested in a person's list, your spouse criteria.

Absolutely essential, desirable, and then what do you not want?

You'd put up with, you'd really not want it, but here's something that this would be a deal breaker.

I'm going to give you 1 minute and let's see the, I couldn't live without this category or I couldn't live with this category, I want this.

I've always wanted to ask, have you made up a list of requirements for yourself?

Do you bring to the marriage the qualities you feel are absolutely essential in a life's partner?

Do you have any of the deal-breakers in your own life?

Our first concern in dating should not be what we're gonna get, but what we are able to give.

A courtship seminar is really not about getting who you want, but becoming who you ought to be, the person you need to be.

Before seeking a life's partner, evaluate what type of life's partner you'd be.

Do you understand the responsibilities involved in marriage and in parenting?

For I say to every man not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly." How do we examine ourselves in preparation for marriage?

The Beatles had a way of telling a lie by telling the truth in a song that used to blare when I was a kid, blare out over the speakers, all you need is love, Love, love.

How can we determine if we have genuine love?

We begin our self-examination by reviewing our past and comparing our past with the standard of love, the 10 Commandments.

When we love, we have fulfilled every requirement of the law.

Now, 5 of the 10 Commandments are explicit about home and marriage.

5, all of them, implicitly are involved with the home.

But the fifth commandment is, honor thy father and thy mother.

The highest duty that devolves upon youth is in their own homes, blessing father and mother, brothers and sisters by affection and true interest.

Now, before you become a physician, you have to go to what?

If you want to be a nurse, what do you have to do?

If you want to be married, you need to go to marriage school.

Somebody says, oh, no, I had a dysfunctional home.

It's a school in which you learn how to be a good married partner.

Your childhood is the school that God designed should prepare you for your own home.

If you've not been faithful in that which is another man's, who will give you that which is your own?

Thoughtfully review how you have been as a member of your own family and how you have been as a member of your own family and how you have been as a son or a daughter, brother or sister, and then carefully compare your life with Christ as the example.

In the case of the fifth commandment, consider how Jesus treated His mother on the cross when suffering, when thinking about anything, His pain and all.

And If He was thinking about her when He was suffering, do you think that He thought about her when He wasn't?

He would send her notes, give her little attentions and gifts.

And I think Mary must have thought, if only all of my children were like Jesus, I would certainly be a happy mother.

Then compare your past life with Christ's life.

That's how you review your life in the light of God's Word, this ministry of healing.

Have you treated, this is the question she asked next, have you treated with kindness and love the mother who has cared for you from infancy and are you treating her with kindness and love now?

When was the last time you sent her a note, called her on the phone, got her a gift?

Is she happier because you're around, or is it a relief when you leave?

Before making your plans, do you consider her wishes?

Do you argue with her over your hairstyle, your music, your clothes, or your choice of friends?

In every way consistent with God's Word, do you try to please her?

Have you caused her pain and brought her sorrow by doing your own thing?

Again, I'm just taking this 433, this is word for word here, and we're just applying it.

These are serious questions that cover serious sins.

You remember Deuteronomy chapter 21 verse 18 says that a rebellious and disobedient son – you know what was to happen to that son?

He was to be brought by his parents to the elders of the city where he was to be taken out and stoned.

These questions must be considered by anyone who is thinking about courting or dating.

This quotation is from an article on preparing for marriage.

If you've found that you've not been a son or a daughter, a sister or the brother, you are called to be, make wrongs right without delay in your family, your father, your mother, your siblings.

This is a necessary preparation for a happy marriage.

Avoiding Courtship Traps

It's hard to be fully objective when you're young and inexperienced, and at that time we're even more vulnerable to hidden traps.

Those of us who are older have learned by the many traps that we have been fooled and caught in.

The Bible warns that the way of a fool is right in his own eyes.

Now many times I have heard a young person tell me why God is leading in their courtship.

As I listen to them ask 2 or 3 questions, I can give them 10 reasons.

The Bible says their courtship, the person that they're thinking of marrying is can't possibly be God's choice because God never violates His Word.

There is a statement that we've all heard, love is blind, but infatuation blinds.

When the affections are not in harmony with His will, that is God's will, In the very study of the Bible, what happens?

So, if you take your very own Bible and you're studying it, if your affections aren't in harmony with God, what happens?

In the very study of the Bible, the enemy takes control of the thoughts.

So we must have our affections in harmony with God's Word to be benefited by studying the Bible.

We won't even understand the Bible's message.

We'll flatter ourselves that we're doing exactly right when we're doing exactly wrong.

Ellen White says that the reason why many people make no more advancement in the Christian life is that they think they're doing the will of God when in reality they're just following their own inclinations, and they think that their inclination is God's will.

My wife called me last week and she was, she told me that she didn't get too much sleep.

She told me that her mother had come in and woken her up because they thought maybe a mouse had been caught and trapped.

So she went in where her mother was and sure enough there was a mouse.

So she threw that away and she put another trap there.

If you see 1 mouse, you know there's at least another.

And she went back to bed and guess what happened?

A mouse trap is a way that seemeth right unto a mouse, but the end thereof are the ways of death." And God has, wants to save us from man traps.

Patient came into my office a few years ago.

She's, I would say, probably 29, 30, young, very attractive woman.

And as we were chatting, I found out that the, I was doing a little surgery on her, I found out that the reason she had just moved back to North Georgia was because she had gone through a divorce.

Well, I was going to be giving a seminar on courtship and marriage that weekend, so I asked her if she would give me some wisdom that I could impart to the people that I would be sharing with.

And here's what she said in a very bitter fashion, that marrying a Christian, she says, well, marrying a Christian doesn't work.

She had violated God's principles in her courtship, but after the marriage broke apart, guess what she did?

She blamed God, blamed the fact that she should—she—well, after all, I married a Christian, therefore that doesn't work for marriage.

There are lots of traps, And there's no simple checklist that you can go through to be protected from every trap, so God has designed the many eyes principle to protect us from traps.

You see, Many eyes are better than 1 set of eyes.

And if we use the many eyes principle, the courtship with more than your eyes looking, you can avoid many traps.

And so we're going to be talking about judicious counsel, how to have more than your eyes when you go into dating situation.

But we need God's presence, So let's just pray.

Father in heaven, I pray that You'll bless us as we seek Your wisdom in Your understanding in the area of courtship and marriage.

I pray that you will bless my lips, bless each ear, and that you'll be present with your Holy Spirit.

The Bible emphasizes the importance of wise and godly counsel.

Where no counsel is, the people fall, but in the multitude of counselors there's safety, Proverbs 11, 14.

1 person can't possibly see every danger, but several people together are more apt to detect a problem.

Proverbs 20, 18, every purpose is established by counsel.

Proverbs 15, 22, without counsel purposes are disappointed, but in the multitude of counselors, they are established.

Who we choose as counselors, whether we recognize and seek good counsel, determines whether we are wise or whether we are otherwise.

Now the difference between wise and foolishness is the difference between being saved and lost.

And Jesus in many parables contrasted a wise person with a foolish person, the wise virgin the foolish virgins, the wise builder the foolish builder.

The difference between the 2 groups was wisdom.

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Series

Phil Mills, Sr: Thinking About Relationships

Avoiding Courtship Traps

Transcript

Parent Series

Parent Conference

Sponsor

Recorded

Phil Mills, Sr: Thinking About Relationships

Courtship Readiness

1h

Love Connection: Separating Facts from Fiction in Relationships

Separating Facts from Fiction in Relationships 4

51m

Courtship Decisions

1h

Breakout Seminars

Toxic Masculinity and the Proverbs 31 Man

24m

Phil Mills: Preparation for a Happy Marriage

Courtship Question and Answer Session

41m

The Big Three

How Does One Find a Godly Spouse?

53m

Relationships Week 2006

Courtship Question and Answer Session

41m

Phil Mills, Sr: Thinking About Relationships

Will He/She Bring You Happiness?

1h

The 7 Secrets of a Successful Love Story

49m

Sound Doctrine