Two Peas In a Pod

Alan Parker

SALT

Part 4: Connecting Through Conflict

Father God, we want to thank you that we don't have to worry about the challenges of life when we have you.

But give us the courage to face the areas that we need to face and give us the ability to tune into you.

Thank you for this and thank you for the seminars that we've had.

Alright, I shared a verse the other day that I thought was pretty powerful.

It's 1 Peter 3 verses 7 and I've added verse 8.

Likewise husbands, live with your wives in a what kind of way?

Understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel since they are heirs or co-heirs with you of the grace of life so that your prayers may not be hindered.

So this suggests to me that God's plan for marriage is that we understand each other.

But how we do that understanding is important.

Like-minded, compassionate, loving, tender-hearted, and humble-minded.

So, how we deal with conflict is important, and it means we need to be like-minded, we need to be loving, we need to be humble, tender-hearted.

In fact, what you could do is just make this 1 of your memory verses.

Put this up in your house and you memorize, this is how I'm going to deal with conflict.

I want to be like-minded, agree where I can agree.

I want to be compassionate, understand their point of view.

I want to be loving, tender hearted, and I want to be humble.

Alright, so now we're going to talk about some of what would be involved.

Now, the first thing I have to say is I believe conflict is healthy.

When a couple comes to me and they say, oh yeah you know we don't have any conflict.

In fact, can you remember the last time we had conflict and the other guy goes, no I can't remember the last time we had conflict because we just never disagree about anything.

You see conflict I believe is actually healthy.

Okay, you could have everything building up inside, it could be like a volcano that explodes, alright?

There may be communication, but you're not being honest.

You see, conflict suggests that you trust each other enough to be honest.

When you have conflict, it's actually a healthy thing.

Some people get frightened because their parents may have hid all conflict from their kids, and there's pros and cons to that.

They then think that when I get married, we'll never have conflict.

Whereas, believe you me, there's always behind doors, close discussions that are going on.

Some other things is what would happen, as I said, without such expression?

You mentioned hidden anger and resentment would come out.

You know it just builds up inside until eventually it explodes.

I can't believe how many times I would have made a bad decision if my wife hadn't said, hey you know what I just don't have a good feeling about this and who intuition would often save us from a bad decision so I needed someone to confront me like I don't think you should do that and she needs me to confront her a shallow relationships because if you never share what you really feel it's just shallow it's like Facebook lack of growth You can't grow unless somebody critiques you.

The Bible says, better the wounds of a friend than the flattery of an enemy.

How many of you, like if I said to you, you know, tomorrow morning I'd like to come across so that we can have a conflict.

Michelle's like, let's just skip tomorrow.

You know, nobody likes conflict, but conflict is still helpful.

So how do we communicate through conflict?

So they've done this little test, and some of you may have heard of Professor Gottman.

And he takes couples, it's like a mountain retreat, but they take them and they have video cameras on them in these public places and they watch how the couples interact.

And so they watch them and then they trace the couples for 10 years, over 130 newlyweds over 6 years of videotaped interaction and they compared this group with another study of couples that was studied over 13 years.

And what they were doing was they were looking for patterns in stable happy couples.

So they'd see how do they interact, how's their conflict, how's their communication.

And 1 of the things that they discovered, a surprising result, was that even though they had taught these couples communication techniques like eye messages and active listening, they didn't actually use them in conflict.

You know, you're taught, so what I hear you saying is, you're taught that, but in the middle of a conflict, you're not going to use that.

What I hear you saying is, is that you think that I am, and you always, and it just kind of goes away from there.

So they said even though couples were taught these things, they don't use them when they're in the midst of a conflict because you don't feel like using them.

So they said something else was going on.

So they said what makes a successful couple from a couple in many cases here that ended up in divorce or in separation, what was successful communication?

And they found 2 critical factors to success.

If the wife who often initiated an issue was able to do it in a gentle, compassionate and soothing way, and if the husband responded by being open to the suggestions of his wife, oh you don't like that 1, then the couple happily negotiated the conflict.

So if the wife knew how to initiate the conflict and if the husband knew how to respond, things would go great.

And they traced these couples and they saw over a period of time where, Because the wife often would recognize there's something wrong in the relationship.

Guys, we don't always bring up the stuff.

And if she brought it up in the right way, and if he responded by being open to her suggestions, then that couple successfully negotiated conflict.

However, he said there are 4 horsemen of marital apocalypse and if these 4 horsemen come parading across your marriage you're in deep trouble and these were the 4 horsemen.

So that kind of criticism, biting criticism.

I can't believe, were you born in a cave?

So when there's criticism, marital apocalypse.

Contempt, mocking, snide remarks, sarcasm.

In fact, 1 of the key ways that they discovered, if in the first 90 seconds somebody was kind of rolling their eyes, that marriage was in deep trouble.

So it's like, I can't believe we're doing this again.

You know, and I can't believe you just did that.

He said he could predict within 90 seconds whether that couple was going to make it through the first 5 years of marriage.

Yep, they'll make it, they won't make it.

And he had an incredibly high prediction success rate.

But rolling the eyes, contempt, mocking, snide remarks was part of that.

Defensiveness, explaining away, well, you see, it's not really the way you say it, excusing behavior, it didn't happen that way, well of course if you hadn't done this, then I wouldn't have done that, or denying responsibility, you know that's not my fault, if you can't live with that, then there's just something wrong with you.

I've seen couples really struggle with this because they go back to defensiveness and protectiveness instead of being able to deal with the issue.

Part 3: Understanding Your Partner

Father God, we ask that you lead us as we think about relationships again, as we think about differences between the sexes, as we think about a biblical role for marriage and how we relate to each other.

And please guide us through this presentation for we ask it in your name, amen.

All right, we are entitled as Waffles and Spaghetti, and this will make more sense a little bit later, Bridging the Abyss Between the Sexes.

So this is our fourth section of 2 Peas in a Pod.

My little boy Skyler, he is the youngest and like all youngest he knows how to manipulate his parents.

Then we have Seth, he's our little musician and Anaya, She's our dramatic 1.

Things are wonderful or things are terrible because that's her personality.

We have a wonderful family and I wish they could be here with me.

As we were getting to know each other, we discovered that there were some differences between us.

We came across this little saying, and we thought it was kind of funny, which gender is a computer?

And a little discussion, well, how do you see a computer?

We figured out a computer is female because no 1 but the creator understands their internal logic.

The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.

Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later review.

And as soon as you commit to 1, you find yourself spending half of your salary for accessories for it.

So my wife said, no, no, no, that's a computer is not female, it's actually male.

And so we took this off our website, this was not our original.

She says, in order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

They have a lot of data, but they still can't think for themselves.

They're supposed to solve problems, but half the time they are the problem and as soon as you commit to 1 you realize that if you'd waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.

So of course she doesn't believe that about me.

So yeah so you know there are some differences but this is not it.

We happen to see a great set of videos, you've probably heard of them, Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, and this has a reduced sound here so you'll just have to listen very carefully as we play this video and It's entitled the tale of 2 brains and it's by Mark Gungor and so just listen in very carefully There's no sound initially and then I'll kick in in just a minute.

Yeah Yeah, there are differences between men and women.

Man has an on off switch and woman has a whole set of dials.

But there are definitely some differences.

Now some of us men, you know There used to be a book called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

Some of us men have a little bit from Venus and some women have a little bit from Mars.

We laugh at them because they're often true, but each 1 of us are unique individuals and it's not always true for us, right?

And so we have to look at this carefully and recognize we have differences and how do we approach those differences?

So today I'm going to talk about some of those differences take a biblical perspective But also suggest to you that the real point of these differences is not to say, well, you're just like that, there's nothing I can do, but to say, what is God's plan for a relationship even when we know we're different?

And so that's what we want to take a look at.

Now, I entitled this Men are like Waffles and Women are like Spaghetti because kind of in harmony with the video by Mark Gungel, men tend to have boxes and that's what a waffle is like, right?

A waffle has certain boxes in it and in those boxes you think about the things that are in that box.

So for instance, for me, when I'm in my work box and my wife calls and says, hi, honey, I have to make a shift from the box I'm in to try and connect with her.

And I didn't always do a good job of that when we were first married.

So she would be, hi honey, and trying to flirt with me, did you think of me today?

But that was my work box and that's what I'm thinking of.

Now when I was having a discussion with her I found out that she was more like spaghetti.

Now have you ever tried to follow a piece of spaghetti on your plate?

No, because as you're following the piece of spaghetti it touches every other piece of spaghetti on the plate.

So I would be having a discussion with my wife trying to follow this piece of spaghetti.

You know, she'd be giving a conversation.

You know, I've noticed that Joan wasn't speaking up at the Bible study.

And I go, yeah, yeah, I wonder why that was.

She says, I wonder if it has to do with a home life because you know Jack Jack's been out of town a lot and you know the men in our congregation they sometimes do tend to move out of town a lot and that you know and Then the wives get together at their own Bible study.

When I was at the ladies Bible study last week, then I noticed that Jackie also hadn't been coming for a while.

She would keep following different things that touched each other that all had emotional connections.

And because, let's be honest, the woman's brain, the left and the right hemispheres tend to talk to each other more.

So what happens is things remind you of other things and they have these emotional connections and the 2 parts of the brain are communicating and there's this line of logic but I can't follow it because the piece of spaghetti is getting mixed up with every other piece of spaghetti.

I was like, wait a minute, we were talking about Joan, How did we end up with Jackie's husband?

And she says it all makes perfect sense to me Recognize we were different we were different I was more like waffles and she was more like spaghetti and She's learned how to talk waffle and I've learned how to follow spaghetti.

Alright, so have you seen those differences between people?

Another difference, somebody put it this way, a quiet man is a thinking man, A quiet woman is usually mad.

See, I'm a caver and my wife's a converser.

So the converser can't solve anything unless they talk about it.

And a caver can't solve anything if there's talk going on.

So I'm a caver, I'm like, let me go into my cave, I've got this problem, I'm going to sit in my cave, and all you have to do is bring a little bit of food to the door of the cave and leave me alone.

And then when I've figured out the problem, I can come out and I can talk to you.

But for my wife, she's a converser, so if I leave her alone when there's a problem, it just kind of runs over and over in her mind and there's no way out of it because the only way out of it is to talk it through.

We had a discussion and I have too much sensory information.

I don't know what's going on with my emotions.

Asking a guy, by the way, what are you feeling right now is pointless because we don't even know what we're feeling.

I need to go into my cave and figure it out.

So I would like, okay, I've just got to go for a walk.

She'd be sitting there mad because all of the stuff is going on because now she can't process it.

So when I'd come back I would be happy because I had caved and I'd figured it out and I'd walk in and she would be mad and quiet now.

So I'm like I'm ready to talk, well I'm not.

I'm like whoa, whoa, what's going on here?

And that's because now she's just, it's like, what's the use?

I needed to talk 30 minutes ago and then you left.

So any of you guys discovered some of these things?

Now of course the caver and the converser don't have to be male, female that way, but it can work out.

1 book says men are like clams and women are like crowbars.

Because the guy wants to shut up and the woman is like, please talk to me, tell me what you're feeling.

Part 2: Steps To a Godly Marriage

Father God, we are so grateful to be here to talk about something that's important and yet it's also something that is fun and enjoyable and that's the process of love.

So be with us as I share my story, as we walk through the process of how to deal with dating and courtship, and may it be to your glory, for we pray this in Jesus' name, amen.

I'm a professor at Southern Adventist University, director of the SALT program, and my wife and I give a lot of presentations on relationships and how people go through relationships.

So what we're talking about this afternoon is that process of crawling into love, how do you do dating, and I'm going to suggest a variety of things here.

And the first thing we're going to begin with, stage 1, is observation.

Before you start dating, you need to know some things.

1 is readiness, number 2 is knowledge, and number 3 is providence.

And we're going to briefly talk about each 1 of those areas.

So how do you know if you're ready to date?

In 1 seminar, 2 12 year olds sitting in the front row holding hands like what are you doing?

But you know How do you know if you're ready?

So number 1, what's your financial readiness?

If you're 12 and you're earning 10 or 15 bucks a week in pocket money, you're probably not ready financially for this commitment.

1 of the things you have to think about, if you're going to date, then you are interested in marriage at some point.

Now, I do think that there is a place for casual dating, particularly group dating, but it depends what I mean by dating.

You see, what a lot of people think of when they think of dating is an exclusive commitment, where I put my hand on your hand, and we stare into each other's eyes, and we whisper sweet nothings.

Now, if that's what you mean by dating, then you need to be ready for marriage, because that's what it's headed for.

But if by casual dating, I mean you guys go out and do a fun activity together, and it's a group of you, then that's fine.

It's okay to get to know members of the opposite sex in this more casual way, but when it becomes exclusive, when it becomes a serious commitment, then you need to start thinking about these questions.

And that already eliminates a huge number of this audience.

Number 2, are you surrendered to God or are you more interested in your own opinions?

And then number 3, what is your maturity?

Because you don't really understand yourself.

And this is something that as you grow in understanding, you do better in relationships.

That's why we find when people date before the age of 18, their relationships don't last very long.

That's why I'm always scared when I'm dealing with high school kids to ask about how their boyfriend or girlfriend is because I say, how's Jack?

Jack, I mean, that was 2 relationships ago.

So I've learned to be cautious, because that's the nature of relationships at that age.

They tend to, there tends to be more breakups because the maturity just isn't there.

You see, each 1 of us from our past have landmines.

And they're in your life and you end up triggering them and it's relationships that teach you where those landmines are.

But the better relationships to do this than dating relationships is relationships with your parents or with your friends.

So you don't know what kind of landmines are there.

And these landmines are waiting just to be triggered.

But when I got into a relationship with a girlfriend, strange things happened.

I'm in a serious relationship for the first time in my life.

And suddenly I start discovering I can get angry.

Before I was in a relationship, I didn't get angry, at least in my mind.

And so 1 day, my girlfriend and I are out washing the car, and she's not doing it right.

Because there's certain ways to wash a car.

And so I'm getting more and more irritated at how she's washed the car.

And the whole time I'm thinking, why am I getting so frustrated about something so small?

Does it really matter if you wash the car this way or that way?

Because it has nothing to do with karate, kid.

That was an ancient illustration for most of you.

So I'm trying to figure out Why am I getting so frustrated over how you wash the car?

And pretty soon, I'm so boiling mad, I get in the car, I say, get in, it's her car, a brand new car that her father has given her.

We're in this narrow place with 2 concrete walls on either side.

I'm so mad, I just accelerate out and I hear this scraping sound.

And there the car, her brand new car from her father is scraped up.

And I pull out, and now, First I'd be mad at her, now I'm mad at myself.

I'm trying to figure out why is it that such a nice guy can suddenly get so irritated.

Back to Menu

All Teachings

Part 4: Connecting Through Conflict

42m

Part 3: Understanding Your Partner

49m

Part 2: Steps To a Godly Marriage

1h

Part 1: The Dating Trap

44m

Saved to Serve

49m

The United States of Anxiety

55m

The Ignition

48m

Tips for Success

58m

How to Deal With Addictions

54m

How to Deal With Anxiety

1h

The Improvements and Long-term Benefits of Exercise

59m

How to Maximize Your Personal Health to Be Effective in Ministry Long-Term

1h

Sound Doctrine