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Logo of Michigan Camp Meeting 2016: The Harvest is Great

Transforming Family Discipleship- Part 4

Dr. Sung Hyun Um

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Recorded

  • June 13, 2016
    9:30 AM
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Dear Heavenly Father we are so thankful that you are here with us that you can. Gather us together to receive counsel from you and to examine our lives and learn how we can better relate to others that you see with the percenter and you would inspire his words and give us receptive minds to learn from you in Jesus name we pray. With. Fortunately I meet twenty twenty five. Couples need to together. What I did today what I decided to do today because so many so many of you were so interested in how this personality code would work out in terms of plan being with one another you know what I'm saying and some of you are blended with the you know why blue and white and some are plenty between red and red and some of their are blended between red and blue and some of them are white and wide and some of them are red and wide some of their blue and white and yellow blue and so on so there are so many people ending that we deal with it and so I would like to take a moment today to share about how different personality when they come together while there are some of the possible dynamics that may get created OK And so I basically you know I basically wrote Everything worked for a lot words were vague no way that I would present a topic I did this so that what you would be able to learn and you'll be able to share it with other people in your church how many of you came from your own church as a family ministry somehow you're related to family ministry from your church oh wow that's great that's Graham excited about that I'm excited about that OK so I want you to get all the. You can get from this class and make sure you have a chance to share it with other people OK. Let's talk about the blending between caught between the colors OK let's start with red plus red Whoa. Summer copyists OK. This one. I have this one but that's OK OK. OK thank you OK So Radke turn red then red what's interesting is that one who is more red when red and red come together one who is more red the remain as red one who is less red becomes white is that interesting because well because in relationships somebody has to follow. You know what I mean not everyone can lead you know one person lead and then the other person follows so so one has more rather remain as red and less red you know become white and that was the case with my nephew which we didn't know. We had thought that my NAT you was Toro in white because he was not talking he was not stopped Express. If you ask him question what do you want to do with your life. Like typical teenager would say how they respond I don't know. You know. And so you know everyone thought that he is he was white not that white people do not know where they want to go you know it doesn't just appear to be that way and so Tyler times by the time he was going to college mother who was really why he she was kind enough to see it cause she was really doing a service to him by telling him what to do by was by mapping out his life. How many of you as mother. Your children's lives even given who they're going to marry and all that know OK. And so she did that so she told them you got to be a dentist. So she went he went through you know peers see and then he got his grades didn't measure up for what he was supposed to be calm and so finally mother gave up on him because you know read mother cannot wait too long OK she said you know what this is not worth investing and so we better let him go so she said you know from now on you're going to be on your own. And through that he was responding well Mom are you telling the truth and then she goes yes I'm ready to just drop you know I'm a supporter last time in my life but you know you're on your own and he goes mom that's a great news to me. She says there is something I want to do in terms of profession. Yes Mom Mom would you support me for one year. And then he goes she goes Well it depends no no no mom as long as it's not something like criminally real. You know you better support me and the moms agree there are cows support you so what is that you want to do is there anything that you really want to do yes Mom I've been thinking about doing this but you're going to go crazy if I tell you what I want to become ARE YOU READY TO HEAR THAT ARE YOU NOT going to have a heart attack. And then mom is like getting really curious OK Just tell me and then he goes I want to be a fashion designer. And the Mongols you don't even know how to color match your. How are you how are you going to be you know a fashion designer. And then you see if. You told me I could get away with whatever I wanted to do and that's what I want to do mom. OK I'll support you for another year so he came out to California southern California here in Raleigh certain classes to come up with a pro for the year and guess what we did a year he learned all our study came up with a powerful perform this impress to perform the year and he applied to Parson you know Parson. In a school in New York and he got accepted and now he became a fashion designer he worked for Karen Klein and then he went to. Further experience and he came back and now is a powerful designer. After all listen after all. This guy was not white he was what he was rad. He's red and this was what surprised by mother and mother. And so so even though someone may appear to be why he may not he were she may not be why because one is rather become dominant and the other person and life following by suppressing things in your own life and so forth. I've seen two rather coming together and live happily ever after. I said wow this is fascinating. So I have went to this couple and then ask her how do they make it happen how they make it harmonious how they make it wonderful and then they go where my husband. I. Read and read and then my husband and I whenever we drive whenever we drive we think about the plans that we want to pursue after and so we mapped out for the next like ten twenty years. And then so far for the past ten years we've been able to accomplish all the things that we did we we you know we decided to pursue after it's a great marriage will coincide. And they both were driving B.M.W.. You know but that's not the point so you can make it work between red and red and it can be healthy but I want to tell you how many of you found your relationship to be between red and blue either your red or either your blue or you know your spouse is red or blue how many of you OK OK And then how many years you've been married eight years is your husband here OK not in this room he's summer OK OK you wish he would be here. OK. So then you must be blue right OK Your husband is right. Most of the red yellow in him mostly red OK OK I hope he would be more yellow to you than red just kidding but anyway so this is an interesting dynamic red and blue red them blue dynamic is the time then me that can get more most conflicts are. In the first place and then they said that they are the ones who make the therapist rich. Because there are a lot of conflict there a lot of conflict to be game and not that you not that you must have that because rad husband can come across being so what. Insensitive. Right to the womb Why who is very sensitive and be in touch right and so you can see the dynamic you can see the problem and then the problem that gets really aggravating is that when when you look person when Group person doesn't get the love or a connection or a meaningful relationship that that she needs then she or him gets very critical. And then when men here she gets critical to her to their spouse what happens. You know it makes a way of making someone making that person to be minimized less and who he is or who she is then there's an issue of disrespect and all that going on you see the dynamic right now. So what if the wife is rather and her husband is prove. That it's challenging to. Because then ten Here's Kyra she's kind of more and more masculine and then here appears to be more prominent you know. Because the Blue Man is very in and very emotional in a healthy way and then in is to be a praise and he needs to be approved and he needs to be nurture that he needs the connection he needs understanding and validation and then read the wife is like Who are you are you man or woman. You know I'm saying. Well I want you to know that. For a man to be in touch for a man to be you know. Whining on the standing and validation or men to be sensitive it is not a point of weakness. So side has made it that way. You know sissy boy are things you know so sorry him as has made it that way actually plume men who is in touch can be very very powerful because I told you yesterday almost all this characteristic among men men with colors who would be the more who could be the most romantic person you could ever be blue men I know your blue men you see. See you can be very romantic and so so though so the red Why not that you have read wives needs to understand the famine inside of him as a sign of strength not as a sign of weakness and because in feels connected then he is going to be what of that God has made him to be and he's going to China is going to plaster you know because he's going to take that as a source of respect for him and I want to tell you men that there are enough men in this room let's give them big hands. You know for a quarter of firm for men to come to family discipleship they're really men they're really they're really godly men really when we need more men we need more men and not that we don't need ladies we need really more men to join so I really honor you and cherish you and you know what my wife and I we went through a really you know we went through some some challenges in our relationship where. Were I am yellow and my wife is polluted. And it took me a long time for me to figure out what. Where she's coming from she's wanting connection and all that but the way I wanted to connect was more playful. You know I didn't take her serious and whenever she doesn't get you know but but then my wife has such a high expectation like all the blue people does right next to God they're such a high expectation specially Seventh Day Adventist poor lady is there really a higher expectation you know is specially if you read my writing you know really I actually. Really. You know so so you know my I had a higher pressure toward me Little did I know that you know she says she married me she didn't tell me until later she married me because she thought I could be the evangelist she said that she could be mostly or tracked it to me for my spirituality when I'm spiritual That's what attracts her to me so she can be pretty critical about life after I finish my sermon on the way home. Is special when I feel like I am and I'm asked. And I should do better and then hey honey you need to improve. You know when I first got married and then I was in a place where I had to adjust American cards or just a learning just to the teenage ministry and all that was going on and I had just in my marriage is just a lot of things going on and then when my wife was challenging me you know many times I felt like man I'm not good enough I can make you know she's expecting me to be perfect because even if I do nineteen's right if there's one thing I've done wrong then she would point that out not because she's a woman you know she's she's an amazing lady because she just want me to just species. Fred just. So I am very stretchable or. Did you know that God is in the business of stretching you just like now I want the no way I can wear that you know said No no no where it it will Strat. I mean god been stretching me through my wad in a very powerful way and then one day I mean I've been with just thing I've been with just you I've been with locked you know I'm I'm like my last name is arm. You know what means in Chinese in men's strick. In men's just just very stubborn you know what on earth I was given with that kind of name but anyway. So one day I had a revolution I had a revolution in my heart that you know what I'm going to be I'm going to be like really except you know I'm going to be a bigger man. Whenever she says something and I'm not going to use my you know emotional part of my sub to respond but I respond I'm going to check up mine to respond so whatever she said makes sense and if I think that there's some value to what she says that I'm going to take it even if it hurts. The truth hurts even if it hurts I'm going to take it let it stretch. When I start doing that man started to do wonders to me in a way that she would look at me and said Honey. You're your real man of God. Oh you didn't see. Your lawyer solve to grow not grow this way. So I want to China have a challenged demand if you're if your wife yours if your wife ever tells you something. Instead of like justify making excuses or instead of like putting her down here let me tell you what I can tell you. If a wife comes out to you and said if your spouse comes up to you and said you know what it's been very very hard to live with you I haven't told you but it's. Been really on top of. And then I want to tell you that's not the time. That's not the time for you to be like so honest with your spouse do you want to do a little truth. You know I was Ted Koppel if one is off if one is down. The other spouse needs to be what. You can call down the drain together. You know if you're if your spouse comes up to you and says My life is over and then you cannot say hey my life was all over ten years ago. They need to do that then then what's to come could you might as well like everything. But that's how people end their relationship. This is a very important point. When parts one one person down the other person has a community to be up if you want to save your relationship. Very very important that even though you really want to. Even if you have like a million things to say that's not to can't just say. You need to let that person just pour out everything as you what you just saw. Cover everything. This is medicine to me. Nor what is it that you want me to learn. While you're stretching me. Very very important. So so you need to allow your spouse to be vulnerable. But that's not the time for you to be vulnerable. You need to be the strong one you need to be the healthy one. Those that make sense really make sense that's time for you to graze the other person. For a blue person for a read person in a school read person can do good as a Here are some of the strengths of of the blue personality in terms of what in terms of a read person really really learn is that you need to long to relate. In other words you need to learn to empathize without having to grieve with the other person I cannot emphasize that enough let's say my professor was teaching me how to empathize and he was showing a video clips. Secular video. Hence looking father I mean as an actor hence it better be handsome so handsome looking takes the daughter out on a date so Toro wears a dress and he went to a very expensive you know restaurant stick reference you know it's like. Forty dollars right and then they go and then they order the food and all of us so excited it and while she was trying to you know cut a state ended up Allen the queen. And. So the daughter started to cry. And so my question is What do you do to empathize with her man when I asked this question to Korean for us to have all kinds of questions that just. So well how would you answer how do you empathize with this person with this daughter. Stake held down. It's OK. It's OK. Everybody makes mistakes OK OK there's a better answer than that there. Was. Going to say so. But. Yeah. You sound like Korean people there's a basic kid out and taking the restroom washing them bring it out. And then exchange it with yours and then. I don't know there's a health issue going on there. We're not right after Korean War awards were second right so we can do better than that what else what else it gets interesting. How else you would empathize. OK this father this father so say two words just say two words looking at her just say two words she said he said. Come here come. And that daughter came in. Allow her to cry. That's what empathy. Why do you cry when I hear you you don't think that your dad has money you know we're trying to solve the problem too early too soon too fast. When it's just too well. On that moment and to just be with that be with your daughter and process it to gather there's a beauty in that. Cover. So men really we as men really learn to run temple cries. And to hold hands and then poor people when it comes to criticism. When woman this is how women think I heard this is how I started it but if I'm wrong correct me Woman things that if your husband who is the only one only one who can give you the love the unit Right right you can say hey honey since I can't give you let somebody else for you you don't do that you can't do that so as far as the wife is concerned your husband is the only one who can give you the other you need right and then for a woman doesn't receive that from her husband when he is the only person to her he end up being the most selfish person in the whole world to see how that works. And so this gets crazy the lady come to me for counseling as you know passion you know my husband but you don't know who he really. To me is one of the most selfish person in the whole world gets what the other week my husband without even discussing with me. Call there IS worth of five thousand dollars. He's so south. So when you start hearing that I get affected by a right I start thinking like this guy I'm going to go and punch him recently really bad. Then I meet this guy next minute I meet this guy he is the one the most wonderful person I have. What's going on here. And so. When a woman doesn't really see. What her heart is yearning after that it's closeness that is connection that is being understood and all that then you'll be. Very very critical four point where you become toxic. Did you get that so it is very important for approval man is pressure of a woman to be to say something and not in a not in a in a value judgment per se but not in a way that you provide a value judgment but you say it as a I statements and I'm no that's a practicing. Pair of two by two and then make an I statement instead of like it or you are such a you're such insensitive person you're bad and you don't hear me you don't love me you don't care for me but instead of what we're new to this when you do that is makes me feel like less of a person and that's how I feel like that's what makes me feel actually that's what makes me believe that there's a better way to do you know I feel like when did that do that that's how it makes me feel instead of like you reduce your debt you don't say so so ladies we need to learn to make a statement as it is coming from me and not as a value statement about the other person you know what attracted me to my wife whenever she told me Honey you are the only one person who can fulfill me and you are the most important person in my life and I'm finding myself all of those things in my heart. And I say you need me feel I want you found that important. I repeat are important person in her life. But he found judged it time labeled in certain way then well. You might as well since I am already failed you know to me it doesn't motivate you right so two by two out gave you couple a minute too bad to be OK but it's a think of your next person is your spouse so I think of them as your as your spouse OK yeah. Don't reveal everything OK but say something from your heart as you make it as a I statements don't use you statement the minute you say you the minute you use the word you're pointing at your finger on you then what what what what is what is going to make the other person feel. Attacked and you know and then you feel you. So why are you listening to your spouse is listening he or she is what conjuring up what he or she is going to say what he's going to say to you in return all right yeah so this is the key before it practiced this. This is very important I always teach this to a complex or colorful Unfortunately all the couples who come to me none of the cover ever in my twenty some years of ministry counseling me that none of the couple come up to me and said you know what Pastor I'm Dr on you know my wife is here my husband here but you know I've got more problems than my husband mind my spouse. You know my husband is an amazing guy but in a high don't know what's wrong with me but I know I really need to be. I really don't deserve the kind of husband that I hand. You know he deserve a platter person but he's stuck with me. And he doesn't want to live. And so I really want to get better can you help me. Then Jesus must have come yesterday. Everybody come to me. Even if I pointing my finger at this person and say you need to hear this the did you hear that did you hear that. And then at the end of the sermon people come out and say oh. My husband will be here he really need to hear this message. And then on the way home making me pay my lord I failed again. What am I doing people are so busy applying the masses to everybody else it's. Myself there's a book called I bought that book just for the title of it. Inside there is not much to read. But the title is amazing. He was the Cairo worker Lord chains me. I bought that book for the title nor changed me one time I was praying when I was in youth ministry I was praying Lord I'm praying for this girl whom I can last then in the church she thinks she is smart. But she's a Brett Lord. She doesn't have any respect. Please rapture her. I got a problem because I don't believe in rapture but please do something. Remove her or remove me. I can't stand her. She just irritates me to death. I'm losing my hair. And lo remind me. You got in affairs. And then you know what's the answer from the Lord. So let me start with you. So. As we communicate on work. Focus on ourselves but. I. Would like to add to the point as you focus on ourselves don't focus on ourselves in a way that we would be condescending to me or putting ourselves down not in that way when the Holy Spirit nudges you when the Holy Spirit the man is in such a way that we experienced and we experience we in what we need to gain in terms now as in wisdom that we need to gain about ourselves it actually you know liberates us. Right and so this is the important point when it comes to relationships. How many of you desire how many of you desire for intimacy in your marriage how many desire for intimacy marriage is for intimacy right your marriage is for intimacy However before we get to the place of intimacy there is a certain or certain steps that we need to take before we get there this is intimacy. Before we get there. We need to make it safe. We need to make it say how do you make a save in relation to what do you mean we're not like hitting each other we're not killing each other. A lot of marriages it's not safe. You know why it's not safe. It's not safe because you're afraid to say whatever you need to say. How are you going to be how am I going to be view. How am I going to be accepted in all that so if you have those anxieties and fears or uncertainty then you're not safe. And then and then only way we make is say it is making it how do you make a safe making it was. You need to make an equal that's very very important that's what when it comes to abusive relationship what do we do forget about intimacy to begin with but we need to make a say to be to make a say in to make equal get a lot of a lot of abusive relationship one is up abuser is up abuse is down so one person needs to come up empower the person to come up stop express you know be courageous to say whatever he or she needs to make equal. To be in that equal place is very very important so with that in mind let's make that i statement even though you may have issues with the other person you may want to have a value statement on somebody or mentees person is just like but you've got to be respectful enough to be equal or to be respectful and to make that I state try that lets try that I statement to each other OK it will be fun. OK I have. Sorry So you got an idea. You got an idea I have one more practice. As we are as as we are in this practice I have one more practice that would be really really life changing when it comes to communication it's a it's a skill call one of the communication skill and those that week's practice is I statements really powerful you know I feel this way and so on because when you say I feel this way no one can invalidate it right how you feel how you feel so. Oh it's really authentic in that way and the second thing I want to practice which is going to be really powerful it's called paraphrased I have ever heard paraphrase they put together in a cut cut money is the guy from Seattle or university laboratory of love and they put together all the people who are about to divorce and you know all these people get together and they do this research and they found out the healthy couples are the ones who knows how to do paraphrase out of many things that we can talk about OK and the cause something like this as you hear as you hear from the other person a lot of times we create traffic jams in that before the other person even pinches the word you interjecting And you know you have more thing to say hey we really won't go there or you know you know you know I don't remember what I said you know and so you just kind of interrupt the other person so modest that all you have at the end of is like are going on right argument after argument which doesn't get anywhere so their principle even when it comes to boxing there's rules day you got to follow right even if you follow the rules somebody gets killed right sometimes so when it comes to marriage I mean you cannot ovoid fighting right if you if you told me the over in our marriage and we never fought you never fought in our marriage that you do or you're saying even the scenes gets in trouble sometimes and so you know if you're so it study shows that you know if you have a lot of company in the beginning and be able to resolve conflict then you become very intimate in the end so it's not having accomplis a nice you but not knowing how to resolve it constructively that's a problem because it used to be the model that they use when it comes to healthy relationships that who would be the best. Person for you to marry they said you know what marry somebody who have been most comparable to you that's Dr all sorts of modern one nine hundred eighty and later on we came up with a new model that says you know what marry somebody and then when you marry somebody you better learn how to resolve conflict because without resolving knowing how to resolve Kompany you're not going to get anywhere you deal with the same issue on and on and on for the rest of your life so there are three things you need to have when it comes to communication between couple I put it this way I put it this way number one. You don't want to allow negative emotions to ask Ali you don't want at negative emotion to escalate very very important if your emotion gets as college you people you say end it didn't get the other person already mad and you know explosive and you know ready to like. You know go off to the roof if there's no limit and then and then you know that that's not the time to what say anything that's not the time to talk and that's not to come to say anything especially for a man what happen is that when you have counsel I don't know about you guys when it comes to calm. You know when man gets into complex their brain freezes. And always in day don't know what to say they become like Tom you know but when it comes to calm for a woman gets smarter and smarter to speak faster and then they bring up the things that you have forgotten like twenty years ago and you think even remind geezer's of the things they have forgotten about you know. Men they bring on the whole universe to join in. And suppose no way to win you know. Because I want to tell you if you don't know what to say don't say it all. To save your marriage. So don't know love your emotion to ask if you if you come to these players. Where your emotions get so as collating like that then you need counseling. If you end up like talking bad about your husband all the time like if you if you end up like talking to stranger or a church member wherever you may your you lead is open. You know the crowd there is ready to blow your lead is open and then when every lead is open you talk about your. And then you need counseling really bad. Come to me. You know you need counseling so don't allow your emotion to get as collating that way if you do that can that not time to talk OK And then secondly. Are do not put down don't put down. When you start putting each other down then it gets worse and worse and worse and worse it gets very very you know of really and messy and then thirdly what you don't want to do is to not argue. Do not argue same thing with children to not argue with children. You know when you argue with children then you end up being the bad person a lot of times let me give you an example don't argue honey take out the trash and Mom I did yesterday take out the triggers mom how come you know OK I'm going to do later not take out the trash How do you ask my brother. No matter what she said no matter what your daughter says What do you how do you respond. Just like a broken record take out the trash take out the trash. Because argument will not get anywhere if you're starving we're there like I told you so you're so disobedient and all that and unnecessary don't argue don't argue with your children don't argue with each other are now. What do I have to do is to stay true to what you're supposed to read you know OK ready. They will take out the trash because they take out the trash take out the trash take out the trash and take out the trash and then and then your child is like. I can never win over my mom. Because because because because. If you can if you can make your mom mad or sad or you know. By anything they respond in such an emotional way then you're not going to respect the person. Or you think you know I can control that person and you become the new polluted right but if you cannot manipulate your mom or dad because you're like a broken record take out the trash take out the trash take out the trash for the rest of your life. That she's going to have to take out the trash. So don't argue. Don't argue of course you don't do that to your husband take out the trash. He's going to be gone driving down the road. So all are you don't put down don't allow your emotion to ask and one one you know important practice that I want to practice today is called paraphrase it that's why this is something so if your spouse talking to you if one person has let's say let me borrow your Bible. This is the floor so if you have a lot of traffic jam going on as you talk in the one tar everyone tried to talk and then you know it's not going anywhere then this is a floor used to floor metal So when you have the floor what happens it's your turn to talk. OK. And they he he needs to be watched you need to be quiet no matter what he needs to be stay put even if you try to sit you have the floor. And then when you're over then well then. You have the floor but this is important practice when you have the floor it is not your turn to talk but it's your turn to making sure that you understand her correctly because a lot of times when we communicate we say one thing we hear it totally different way right yeah and so we want to make sure that what we're hearing what the other person the other person is hearing in a way that he or she is correct so so this is why you To paraphrase How do you paraphrase if you tell me something something like I'm lonely you know when when you're when I come home you know when I come home honey when you come home you know you don't even talk to me Go to your room and then you try to deal on thing when I've been waiting for you all day long that makes me feel lonely that makes me feel less important one night and you almost regurgitate the same thing in a way that you would understand it honey are you saying that when I come home without even greeting you are rushing to my room and doing my own thing and I will make you feel totally isolated and lonely in an important is that what you're saying and then how she responds he. You know now now you're hearing now you're getting OK so do that to each other so you say something comparative divide into people to buy to one person and the other person be a parade person say something and then person B. respond to it as you paraphrase it do that to Your Kids One time my daughter. Came home she was like elementary school kid she came home she was like she couldn't even say a word she came home she was. Just so mad. So I said. Are you telling me. Your body language is is telling me that you were very upset about something and that she was like really really upset. And so you really upset about something is that true is it. That's almost like paraphrase as well you know so the other person doesn't have to say anything but you look at that person's body posture and so on and you respond to that person in such a way that you are paying attention to that person OK so let's practice that and then I'm going to wrap it up together because. There's there's no way for us to you know just share everything that we need to know about color codes and communication skill communication skill alone is another classic actually. We need to long because as we hear someone else we are already we are already always listening to our own story you know we're not listening to the other person we are listening to ourselves and that's what makes communication really really complicated one of the most difficult thing that we can ever do is to communicate with one another. There really takes the Holy Spirit there really takes to soften our heart it really takes for us to gain wisdom as to how we can discern things because people say things you know people say one thing but they mean something else you know and then people say one thing and people here is something else and. So you know a lot of times I preach a sermon and then somebody call me or any pastor my got so blessed by a message and then I asked OK what was the sermon about and then they were giving me totally another sermon and that I didn't rate you know so in that case it's a blessing but you know it just communication is such a daunting task. OK What do you do yeah it gets it gets frustrating right very frustrating right yeah. Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah well some people some people have this you know habit of being dominant you know and a lot of times they have been sad the school you have one more law kind of thing and that's really too little That's why that's why I am must tell you that in some cases in many cases when the patterns of relating I call it patterns are relating has been going on more than ten years twenty years thirty years you know then you become fixated in that you need a intervention from outside to resolve the issue but what do you do when the person is now willing you know enemy is not cooperating and so that makes it really difficult and challenging you know and so you need to allow the other person to be open and sometimes I go to them sometimes you know. I just go to them and then challenge them. Because because in so doing by not letting the other person to enter into a conversation you're not you're not creating intimacy. AT ALL You know you're just creating isolation in your life and I asked and often asked is that what you want in your life is that what you want you know and then most people said no I don't want that you know I want something better then OK then we can talk you know sometimes you need to be a challenge but then sometimes the challenge has to come not from you from Marseilles sometimes yeah but anyway let me go on with this one this is a really important red and white connection red and white connection is important is because it specially mom is rad and then your son is why then men can't help that relationship you know why because there's the issue with speed the issue with speed read can be pretty fission and they can get things done pretty fast while the sun who happens happens to be white can take some time you know take some time to process to comes time to know what to wear especially if you're a girl or take some time to even figure out whether you're a go or not you know so then Mom gets like sort of frustrated in your make up your mind you're not ready yet you know all of those things and then it is very easily you can end up being in a situation where a child is a label as being like lazy you know or non-efficient or things like that but I want you to know that some people because of their personality takes more time than others I've experienced in my children you know it was anger takes more time than the others are you know and what's of what's so interesting is that you know when you go to church on Sabbath right for a man it takes only less than five minutes to wear your quotes right you know what to wear and you get dress and then you know funny thing is that you know you wait like thirty minutes because. You know like you're wanting to be patient to your wife and you wait for to be made and that she comes. What does she say. Curly I am no course the aware. And then it just drives you crazy right makes you feel like well should I count all the dresses you have NO THAT'S what that was you mention meant like what no new clothes to wear. But when man comes out and say you know I don't have any clothes to wear then then we're in trouble because. That means we don't have any wash the clothes the way. Our languages are told different and then our speed of doing things is different and therefore we've got to be extremely patient and so if a child if you need thirty minute and if your child is one hour then you need to get them ready hour earlier and so on and that's the case with red and white and sometimes in an effort to pushing somebody for you know for the rat to do it to the Y. then you can kind of lose close down the hearts in all along the road so so much for that and the next one is interesting clue and white how many of you are in that blue and white situation OK Blue has a need to be open and to be Express and to be able to share a lot with one another while white person is not that call parading while the right person doesn't open up easily it doesn't mean that he or she doesn't have anything to say and it's a pollution or openness intimacy can make him or her extremely frustrated by the lack of expression and openness OK and then pollute become very critical to the white and make them feel an accepted and having lack of freedom and so forth so I have a challenge to why people like I said yesterday you know long to allow yourselves to kind of push a little bit to be uncomfortable it's OK to be uncomfortable a little bit you know we can't always be comfortable right so we need to kind of push ourselves a little bit to be on. Comfortable you know for my father to respond to me you know when I you know when I heard my father first time in my life. In you know I brought not brought my father to Ben mountain and on the top of the mountain there was nobody else but my father and me and I've been wanting to hold my dad so long I grew up not being able to have that kind of physical connection except when he spank me and you know other things so I really wanted to hold my dad because when I came to United States when I went to primary church like all the fathers were holding their sons like wow this is heaven. And so something tells me to experience it I didn't want to hug my dad when he turned dead I didn't want to do that and so I went up to the mountain praying to God that I would hold my dad to make a long story short I went on the top of the mountain and then I saw my dad I saw people around there's nobody but my father and me. So guess what I did. I said Dad I have a favor to ask of you. And the mind because what is it my dad speaks like ten commandments very short and he to the point. I call him ten commandments father and then he and then and then I said Ted It may be kind of weird but I want to hug you. And say is that what is holding. So I think splay and then he goes he look at me and. You've gone to food. You became kind of weird. Is it that's what happens when you go to learn as the score. Is funny and then and then he goes you look at me kind of you know just pitying me looking me and said OK let's because since it doesn't cost anything let's. And then I heard my dad when I was holding my then I didn't think that he was that big. My father was bigger much bigger than me and so when I hugged him I could only reach this much and he was trying to let me go because he was getting very uncomfortable I said you need to be uncomfortable forever. And I was responding to my father in his ears Dad why did you spend me so much. Time revenge right. It's very uncomfortable for me to do that and he was very uncomfortable but sometimes you need to take a risk you know to me. How he's going to respond No I don't care I'm going I'm going to say whatever I needed to say to my dad so when I asked him how come you spank me so much he said so on let's not talk about it I spank you because you are my first child I spank you I experiment with you and I spank you because I read a wise writing tomorrow. And I on the line all the parts spare the child spoil the child and I am sorry I said Dad you don't have to say sorry I'm just calling you because I'm telling you that I became Y. and because of all that spanking that discipline. Of you made me who I am I appreciate you I honor you today as my father. For me to say that you just take the Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit took over Life Church. And then now my father is in trouble. He's in a value of decision he didn't know how to respond. And then all of a sudden he was like. Me to. All of a sudden he spoke in English. Well you know why don't you know it my father because being who is that bad that well. Me too and I got it I got it and I let him go and ten long lived at. Your the only one I have. I love you. You know it's vulnerable it takes risk. It's a sometimes we gotta go outside of our barks Oh I can't do that say that oh I'm old I can't change no. All these all the new. Men take a risk yellow and blue we already talked about it yellow and blue has each use in their relationship because why are yellow is going hundred miles an hour pollute has a need to be organized to process things to no era time yellow loves surprise parties. He or she willing to be found in his or a prison as a power line but pollute a hate surprise party you know they need to be known ahead of time and all that stuff going on and then yellow takes flight too casually while pollute takes it too seriously. So it's like Blue doesn't believe in yellow and yellow things there is just to march all the time you know and so you can communicate so what do we do well this is what I learn from my relationship with my wife because my wife is blue I am. You know I learned what I learned stares. Here's a pretty Christian principle in that you need to make it you need to make it harder for you to make it easier for your spouse. If you're willing to make it harder for you to make it easier for your spouse in the air and you're going to make it easier for yourself as well. You know I'm saying make it make it me you know get the challenge you need and then take up the cross and a lot is a one time my what my daughter came home and then I was I came back from a long trip a long long trip from Korea or something and then I came home I was ready to just sleep and then my daughter came in and said Dad I need to talk to you. And my my eyelid was literally coming down so heavy. Already to pass out and then my daughter said I need to talk to you in a Can we talk tomorrow and then my daughter we may not have tomorrow that. Has a war. So I say Lord help me and the scripture there came to my mind is that you have not love to the point that you share your blood. So I'm not going to shed blood by skipping sleep so I went out like this Lord help me. And that night. My daughter and I sat down looking at the. Moon was shining we were talking talking and to talk more in the morning and then we had a life transforming conversation. It takes risk it takes called Going outside of the box for the other person if you do that Holy Spirit enables you to do the major extraordinary because we are made by a car to be people of our capital. A man and that's what he means to be character Amen so we continue to bless you as you continue to live out your life you know with your spouse with your family and and finally this is interesting I'm going with why and why what happens. Why don't why it is interesting why don't why it is interesting big. As white and white they don't have to go anywhere they can stay home and be happy be OK They're very low maintenance in that way but then. They are not none of them are adventurous so it can get kind of boring sometimes so I've seen a couple wide and light and yet they're making a really good sign as them how they say you know what they're very creative they're very you know they're very smart so they came out with you know what each month we decide we take turns to take care of the social department So in other words this man I'm in charge of social Timisoara ever I want to do you know whatever I want to do I get to do it with my spouse and next month she's in charge so we're having a lot of fun. You see so you make it work and then I want to tell you something in closing what do you think is the one thing that is missing in a relationship what is one thing that's missing the most in relationships. In most relationship what is one thing that is missing is communication. And I'm going to end with this word it's hard work. It takes hard work. It's impossible it's not impossible but it takes hard work it takes hard work to create intimacy it takes work but it's worth it but not many people are willing to put in the hard work because if people hardly with Virgin is saying that if you take so much work you may not be right for each other that is wrong version right version is that it takes hard work Kevin Lemon said it takes hard work willing to put in what we need to put in together with to get to my part a Holy Spirit we make it work every day you grow and couple as you and I will continue to have a transforming relationship in the power of Jesus Christ amen let's pray our Father in heaven. Help us to be in touch with your power your power to transform our lives to begin with so that we can be calm and agent of change agent of inspiration in the lives of other people made that transformation begins with me begins with our family made spillover in all other areas of our lives in such a way that God would continue to use us as an agent of healing in this word to proclaim this we pray G. just his name Amen. This media was brought to you by audio verse a website dedicated to spreading God's word through free sermon audio and much more if you would like to know more about your verse or if you would like to listen to more sermons Please Visit W W W dot. Org.

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