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2. How to Communicate with Kids Who Don't Want to Talk

Chuck Hagele

Conference

Recorded

  • June 19, 2017
    9:00 AM
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Hey good morning guys let's have a word of prayer and let's get started this morning a father we just sank you for this brand new day for all the promises that lay in store we just thank you for the weather the spirit and more than that father we just thank you for the hope that you instill in us in the midst of storms that we know that you have us that your rainbow promises that we won't be we won't be undone by this world but that you will be triumphant and so we just praise you for that this morning and father just give us hope as we have this conversation I'm give us wisdom and most of all protect our children in your name Amen Hey good morning everybody I got some sleep last night some feeling good. Channeling from the northwest I have discovered that you have different things for me to be allergic to and so my hay fever or whatever is kind of acting up but I am happy to be with you guys I discovered that little trail that goes what is the Freedom Trail is that what is called Heartland trail that is fantastic that is fantastic so I want to discover some Miskito on that but excited to be with you guys some of you are a little distrustful right now if you want 1 of these things. Feel free to grab 1 all explained it as we go there's no pressure to play with with a pipe cleaner but some of you would benefit from that So yesterday we talked about raising life Ready Kids if you remember this X. It was this idea that our kids need to grow in personal responsibility over time and also as parents need to hand off responsibility clear on this phase you remember that parents have more responsibility early on in the kid's life remember the kid can't do anything by themselves not even hold up their head they can't ask for anything the parents' responsibility is to guess and figure it out and over time you raise their abilities you know just as an illustration Do you remember teaching your kids how to clean their room as a baby baby who cleans the room. The parent does right and he only clean up when he starts stumbling on stuff because you're so tired so you start to can step out of the way that's that's like cleaning we have friends right now that just have a 2 year old and she just gave birth to twins they're in survival mode and so right now the room is not that clean but they're surviving but over time you start teaching the child had how to clean the room and a lot of that especially when you've got a 2 year old and the hands are 1 once 2 year old is that you're giving them $2.00 to $3.00 toys and you're trying to fill their arms up as they clean their room and then you're putting stuff away as fast as possible and why do you give them stuff to put away so they stop messing things up you know because have you ever been in that situation where you're putting stuff away and your kid is pulling stuff out as fast as possible and so yeah you're giving them stuff but pretty soon you're standing in the room and you're guiding them you're saying that goes there that goes there I bought a well actually I was given a mandolin I've played guitar for years but I was given a mandolin you know what that is like a little ukulele type thing and that's what I use when it's my kid's cleaning room time because I can sit there and waddle with that and I can give directions but I'm no longer doing that but I still have to be there especially for my little guy who's got some special needs I have to kind of be there and guide him through it but over time you're not in your kids' room anymore but you're still have expectations for how they clean it the teenage conversation turns from teaching to coaching as they become more responsible and so remember that that's our overall goal we're going to have this model throughout the time but think about how many conversations how many times of modeling how many times I've caught top practice it takes for your kid to learn how to clean their room is it more than 1 yeah it's over and over and over and I don't know about you guys but what we see at Project patch is that even from a high gene there's times that kids reach their teen years and they take a slump in hygiene Have you noticed that. Yeah. They start you're like oh God I just want to. Yeah it's frustrating you know 1 of the things that we don't put on our job description for a project that staff is the sniff test you know what I'm talking about did you brush your teeth Yes I brush my teeth. I don't think you did I mean we have actually kids that patches sometimes say they wash their hair but they just put it on that very crown of their head because that's where they think staff will smell. It's interesting but the process is that we want our kids to choose over time to become self motivated to do these things you know so much of what we do as parents involves being able to talk with our kids being able to share our hearts with them being able to connect verbal he with their kids and I don't know about you guys but there are days that that I'm raising 2 girls and a little boy those days that conversation flows and there's days that it doesn't. I work really hard at connecting with teens as much as possible in those days that teens will just give you the. And then there's days that conversations flows what I want to share with you is just some models that we've experienced our project patch to increase the likelihood of being able to communicate with teens the chance of kids sharing significantly getting that to increase and so that's today's goal remember tomorrow's goal is tomorrow we're talking up the same time same place the day after that on Thursday we're talking about video game addiction and compulsive video game play and going through some plans on helping your kids if they're challenged by that and then Friday will end with social media probably talking a lot about phones and apps and about kids navigating the different levels of social things that they're going through so that's that's our plan another reminder is that I've had some people take me up on it I'm here available willing wanting to connect with parents and do some coaching do some conversations if you've got something that's really working for you as a parent that you'd like us to share with me to get up to get the word out you know that sort of thing I'd love to so sign up right here if you'd like to meet I'm available every day except for during this time and that kind of makes sense mealtimes I love mealtimes that sort of stuff so I would love to talk so how to communicate with teens that don't want to talk the key point for today is that you need to be able to talk about difficult things. Here's what's interesting is that you need to be able to talk about it but have you noticed that a lot of times your kids are really resistant to getting information from you they just don't want to hear it what I have to say is that especially for moms in the room here and moms raise your hand. Moms in the room with your teenage daughters. You are at a higher level of struggle on this you've got so much to teach your daughters and especially as your daughters to get into the teenage years they're going to be super resistant to your wisdom super resistant to your wisdom important things for you to share with them but but they're resistant and I'm just going to give you a really good clue for this is that there's times that your girlfriend's or another relative that's a that's another female will share something with your daughter that you've been trying to get through to or for you months and she'll come to you and say Did you hear what she just said. And what you're going to be saying is oh I've been telling you for months but here's what I have to say is that especially for moms you would do good by surrounding yourselves with other women too to mentor your daughter to communicate with your daughter and for some of you you're saying I really want to use these skills with my daughter use these with the daughters of your friends you know use this as a as a connecting tool not just for your own family for others because there will be a freight phase where where other people are way smarter than you and rather than fight it you know build systems around it so you need to be able to talk about difficult things your kids might not want to talk about it you know your kids just might want to to tone you out and what are some ways that teens have been communicating more and more that they don't want to talk. And headphones that's a huge 1 isn't it headphones and so did you realize that a lot of times kids will have headphones in their ear and the music might not even be on it's just a sign that they don't they don't want to communicate. So the headphones What's another sign that kids use that they don't want to talk closed describe that a little bit more oh door closed Yeah and so they'll As soon as they come into the house they'll try to get to the private area S. so that disconnected that way of how it's on their phones Yeah so they're focused down. Isn't it funny to see Teens Together we'll talk about our pride a little bit but they'll be texting each other sitting right next to each other like What in the world. But that's that is their way is selective careful communication they they let him only so much well. What else do you see as teens the ways that they communicate that they they're not that interested in talking. And. Now so these are now. Both sides. He's not sleeping you know that he's not sleeping I have daughters that do that as soon as we went on a long trip as soon as we get home you know I'm sleeping Dad you need to carry me and help pretty much say that it's like if you're talking to me you can't be asleep but yeah that's the that's the world that our kids and so think about our kids are communicating a lot of stuff that they don't want to talk but but at the same time what are some signs that they do want to talk. You know coming to where you are it will seem there's coming to there. Where you want yeah. This is weird are you doing here OK so they'll show up where you are you know they'll show up where you are that's that's a big 1 what else you know what I'll say is that there's times that teens that really need to talk will say something really really hurtful. They'll engage in a hurtful way to try to get a response and try to try to connect those teens I will that we've seen that will even self harm because they want the attention they want to focus and so there's a wide range of it but a lot of times our teens will actually do negative behaviors to get to get conversations going they'll actually create some conflict and drama in order to connect which is really odd because I don't know about you guys but when I have conflict and drama what do I want to do wrong. I want to get away from it and it's really a poor way to communicate that I have needs but honestly when you look at teens and some of their negative behaviors or some of their their their strange behaviors it can often be just a quick sign that they need to connect that they want to connect but they don't know how. And they feel weird asking for it and so we're going to go through some of that I love this this is from 4 Proverbs $25.00 a plan in the heart of a man is like deep water but a man of understanding draws it out how many of you have ever had to use a bucket in the well for your primary water source even for like a camping trip or a mission trip or something. How'd that work out for you How was it. To work and work so you throw the bucket down pull it up were you ever surprised Wow this I got a lot of water I could use this all day or are you like I'm going to have to do it again. You know a lot of times right and what I find interesting is that the Bible has all sorts of well analogies and idea of a deep well with and the deeper the well the what was the better fact about that the pure the water right the colder the cleaner and so if you think about that analogy is this almost Solomon is saying it's not like for now days where we turn on a shower and water comes out have you noticed how our houses are pretty awesome nowadays there's FOSS it's and water everywhere we need it you know some kitchens have like 3 or 4 of them there's bathrooms of multiple water is fully available and what I find interesting is that when we think of our communication with kids sometimes we think about it like a spicket and what Solomon is teaching us is that this is a drawing out process this is a laborious process it takes focus it takes time you can't just rip the bucket up you have to carefully bring it up and you have to go you know it's a continual process of it and it gets easier over time you get your strength built up to be able to do this and so think about this as a process over 1 conversation. Going to go through a couple things here. And my eyes are getting to be I finally this year went and got readers at Cosco so you'll forgive me for a couple of these as I do this. How many of you have got the Raiders I Cosco 3 pack for $15.00. You can lose them it's awesome and what I want to share with you is a model that we teach at Project patch and we it's not a perfect model but the model is helping us understand some levels of communication some different things that are going on in conversation and just want to dive into that the 1st level that we say is called silent listening silent listening what the silent listening look like yeah so you're making some nods you're using a little bit of your voice to communicate that you're still interested in what they're saying physically what are you doing with your body. You're communicating that I'm interested right for some of the people that you're dealing with. That might be a close proximity and then sometimes that might feel really awkward and so you're actually sideways to them a little bit as the conversation flows that can change a little bit but what you're doing is communicating with your body that you're really interested in what they have to say and what's amazing to me is that it's eyebrows it's head nods it's laughing at appropriate times. If you're doing this on your phone what's that communicating I'm not interested right. No time frustrated right sighing and so all you're doing is trying to avoid those things here's the interesting thing is that some of your kids might be feeling really uncomfortable. With that conversation so just because your showing good body language. To say hey look at me we need to be demanding their responsiveness and their body language isn't what you're doing you're communicating with your body that you're interested in what they're saying if they're fiddling with the grass if they're picking at their finger nail if they're crossing their arms that doesn't matter OK your You're not responsible for that side of it and honestly if you press them to look up or to speak louder or whatever that puts them on the defensive and so all you're doing is modeling interest in what they have to say a ton of interest and part of why I've handed out these things is that there's lots of reasons for it say but part of it is that having something simply in your hands as you're having a conversation makes things WAY easier ways either to do. Just because you're focus you just don't have that intensity and what a lot of kids have a struggle with is that their online world is is way less intense way less intimate and so having an intense conversation with a parent that's doing really good active listening is going to feel threatening to them so having something in their hand that they can dismantle with is really hopeful hey you know I skipped something that I want you to do real quick before we get too far into this I'd like you guys to have a quick conversation with each other and so what I want you to do is parent with 1 other person and when you paired up with that person raise your elbow as high as you can OK fantastic and then I want you to determine let's do it alphabetical by 1st name whoever's got the the letter closest to a and if you are tied with a go into the next letters whoever's got the lowest alphabetical name will go 1st in this activity and so what I mean by go 1st is that you've got 1 minute to share some sort of challenge that you're having some sort of problem that you're trying to solve something that you're struggling with it doesn't have to be super deep but something that's on your mind a decision maybe that you're making You've got 1 minute to share that and then at the end of that minute I'm going to shout out in a really loud voice switch and then the other person that's been listening will have a minute to solve it. OK Are you are you ready get set share and you're done. All right come on back. How did that go guys how did it how do you feel. You felt stressed anyone else feel stressed by that. I felt stressed just watching you guys. What else any other response to that. How do the people feel as far as you are sharing out of that feel yeah. I am. So it's just how I said it made it really hard to like just dive in right. How many of you are really distracted during that time. Really distracted hearing lots of voices going on. Also So my making my making animals up here was distracting. A little bit yeah. So for you that eye contact sitting side by side getting getting it it just didn't feel like the right environment for right. Yeah please. Boom. You're ready. And. Oh so you didn't listen to what I had to do. To solve it together so you made a suggestion So here's what's interesting is some of you just naturally resist what I actually asked you to do which is good which is good because when I asked you to do is actually something that we often do but as is tends to be really damaging for relationships and part of that is that how many of you believe that you're really good multitask years anyone OK let me drop the truth bomb money is that multitasking is a lie did you know that. From a brain side is that it's an impossibility to multi-task on high level things at the same time you can do low level stuff you just watch me walk and talk at the same time that's pretty impressive right I can add a guy most of the time and walk talk to go so low level tasks he can do at the same time but high level tasks things that require attention things that require thought interpretation nuance all those kind of things you can't do high level tasks at the same time what you can do is that you can switch between tasks and they say by by women are fast switchers does that make sense so they're able to switch between attention span faster than US guys can but for all of us the ability to do 2 things at the time at the same time for high level tasks is is impossible and the reason I share that is is I asked for you guys to do 2 high level tasks for 1 of the people 1 of the persons had to listen to what the other person was saying and they had to formulate advice. All at the same time and so those are tasks that are in opposition to each other the that makes sense and so the struggle that we have is that for most of us when we're you have a kid coming to share a problem with us what are we focused on or when someone else is talking to us what are most of us focused on. Yourself right similar to if I was to plaster a picture I'll take a picture of you guys right now click and put that picture up here what would most of you look for 1st. Yeah by human nature we look how do I look you don't necessarily to look for other people our interest tend to be self-serving and the challenge of that is in conversation when people are talking to us it's a very high level task and the highest level task of this is listening is listening to what the other person says and because of that we can't be thinking about how am I going to respond what am I going to say how my going to get the silence done am I going to him I am I going to be able to come up with the right response all those things have to be pushed aside and for us to focus on how do I increase this person talking and so that's where silent listening is but silent listening is exhausting it's mentally exhausting and it's physically demanding because what I'm doing is making sure that I'm communicating in the way that keeps the ball rolling and so silent listenings is really that bass if you're filling out your words here it's using your body and expressions to encourage talking so your body and your expressions. And so you're nodding your you're using a face for that for us that's our home base that we're going to use for all our communication the next level is questioning questioning and really when I say questioning it's not taking that light and shining it in their eyes and doing interrogation what it is is really clarifying open ended questions that encourage further sharing so open ended questions you're trying to get away from yes no. Things that encourage them to talk a little bit more that will just encourage sharing and so if you've been doing silent listening I don't know if you've run into it but especially with teens and little kids it's that they'll start cycling they'll start saying some of the same things over and over or they'll go into a silence where they just aren't sure what to say and so silent listening you've been doing it you've been nodding but there's a suddenly silent you can't just sit there and do facial contortions to get them to talk and so really good ideas just to ask a simple clarifying question you know what happened next. You know something like that that just all you're doing is nudging the conversation imagine a rock rolling along that you're just trying to keep that rock rolling and so you've been using silent listening and now you just give it a nudge with the question once you ask that question what do you do. You return to silence and silent listening is your home base and so you've used a tool of a question and now you're back to listening you're back to listening and so questions are really powerful What I find for kids with questions is even a yes or no question can be useful because there are times that they'll be Yes exactly and then they'll start talking and so that can be useful or no that's not quite right and will explain a little bit more so don't feel freaked out about what questions to ask just ask ask a simple question the next phases paraphrasing paraphrasing is my kids are like I said earlier they're 9 and 8 right now 99 and 8 and tomorrow pictures because I'm a proud dad but it's really funny because our girls especially not annoy each other and what they do is they'll start repeating everything the other person says. And if your kids do that. Stop talking stop barking. And so what we say is is this paraphrasing is not doing that paraphrasing is just really making sure that you're capturing the idea expressing the meaning of the other person and words that really helps achieve further clarity and so the meaning of what they're saying you're just trying to capture that it and give it back to them I find that teens sometimes get stuck at that point that they're trying to share something with you and they keep saying the same point over and over because they don't quite get that you get it to make sense and so just simply expressing the meaning of what they're saying repeating it back to them in a way that is using your own words and your own thoughts is a way to nudge that conversation forward and so you've been silent listening you had to give a big push with the paraphrase right and that paraphrase work they started talking what do do you. Back to silent listening hop back up there do some listening you might ask a question you might go back you might be paraphrasing those those are areas that you might be working in the next thing that you do is is possibly that you might use as a tool and remember all these are tools that you have available for you to keep the the rock rolling right silent listening could be all it takes but sometimes you might need another tool and 1 that we talk about sometimes as is empathizing. Empathizing is really connecting on. Letting him know that you understand their their emotions and feelings that you share understand and share their feelings so imagine someone just sharing with you about how embarrassed they were at school by something that happened to them some mistake that they made maybe something that happened in the classroom that just left him feeling really really embarrassed so empathizing would just be connecting at that point the says that you get that emotion you can you can feel that emotion with them really powerful isn't it because when someone gets that emotion Wow I feel horrible if I was embarrassed you know if I was embarrassed like that or a be really awkward they'd they understand that that you get them what I find interesting about empathizing is empathizing is really useful very powerful but if you're not careful empathize you can take the conversation and shift who's in the center of it we had a mom that had her child project patch and that mom was a really neat lady really interesting lady but that mom had also been in the youth treatment as a as a teen and so whenever she came to the youth ranch her daughter and her to be doing something oh this is just like when I was at treatment or you know whenever the daughter shared something about her experience that project passed mom was oh that's just like what I had her I had in the conversation focus would switch to mom and so that daughter was left feeling really frustrated because it's not. Yeah it's not about you I wasn't sharing to get you to talk so empathizing is powerful but it also can easily shift the attention to to me I get it it's about me or I felt worse or I've had and we start doing 1 up type stories so it's just really connecting at that feeling less is more that's what I'd say for all of these and the next thing so once again if you've done a great empathizing Where do you return to silencing and why did you use empathizing. To keep the conversation going or to really encourage them that they can start talking about a different aspect of it doesn't make sense and so if there really are unsure about the feelings you've checked and the feelings you've got clarity on the feelings and now they start moving into to maybe something else about it so another thing they can do is called supporting supporting us to sustain or up hold another person's in their actions or decisions that sounds really official doesn't it to uphold someone else's decision so if someone says you know I'm just going to quit smoking smoking stupid what would be a good thing to do at that point supporting that right you know that sounds like you've really given a lot of thought to it and you know that that sounds like a decision that be great for you know that that the future you will take you for you know so that's that's maybe a quick supporting thing that you might want to do supporting a decision or action or a direction that they're going to be taking here's what's interesting those is that when you start supporting you're starting to sneak in a level of of authority does this that make sense so you're starting to step in with with a little bit of judgment into that into the picture and that can be really useful. Or it can be it can be the opposite way. In college I dated a girl that. Let's just because there's moments that I thought she was the double spawn after divorce not divorced after we quit dating we were horrible together and it was bad it was bad and you know what's interesting about it is a my parents talk to me about it my brothers talk to me about it my friends talk to me about it and what did I do I actually almost got more motivated by that which is really a poor character trait of mine I'll show you that sort of thing but some of that was just because I probably looking back at it we didn't have some of these other steps before they started adding some of that you should do you know some of those those advice giving type things and so you know thinking about supporting is that until I feel heard you know some of those little steps should be taken the supporting can be really useful because it adds some conviction to it it out some conviction to it our kids need that sometimes and so if I had gotten to the point with my friends or parents I say you know I'm not sure that that she's as good of a person when we're together and that I'm the best person were together I'm seeing that maybe we're not as good that way if they had said a supporting comment of well it looks like you know you're really doing some deep thinking about it that must be hard to think about do you sense that that probably would have kept me thinking and talking rather than defensive So that's the sort of thing that you're supporting your sporting process your sporting that sort of thing going on back just listening. To another 1 is analyzing analyzing our I define and you can define it however you want as detailed examination of what someone is saying or the situation that their end. And so let's say your kid is failing out of biology and they're concerned about their biology grade what would analyzing possibly look like from a parent standpoint. As they share about about this sort of thing as they're trying to get clarity about their biology grade. Yeah you could jump to the wrong conclusions but analyzing wise you might want to look at how many weeks of school over him and how many more weeks do we have what sort of grade would it take to get to a passing level you know those sorts of things would be analyzing tool right did you really fail probably is not Messer the question to ask but it's really saying what is in play you know is is it really is the recorder really over or are there still things that you can do and so you're looking at the big picture you're helping them start start getting a little more systematic here broadening their view of it and so for a team that says I'm not going to pass biology well through analyzing it together you they might be able to and some of that analyzing that's done well is just asking some leading questions so that they're processing different perspectives of it but you're just trying to get get everything out on the on the plane another aspect of analyzing is is when they're talking about friends and disagreements and conflict you know sometimes it might be what exactly did she say you know who was in the room what was the context you know just trying to break that down because our memories are really bad what I've discovered this is for me and you might see it here on the campus if I'm preoccupied I get my grumpy face and so if I'm focused on walking and this happens at Project pass because I'll be going from the boys dorm to my office when I work there and you know I could be walking across campus and 1 of the staff or kids would be Chuck are you mad at me. No I'm not I'm just sorry I have this face that happens when I'm concentrating that may make people think there may agree and so you know some of those analysis is I might not even have thought about you at that moment you know and so analyzing that and helping someone see that so analyzing can be really useful evaluating evaluating to the next step of it it's to judge in terms of the significance work their quality of what the person said or did and so once you're starting to evaluate that was good that was bad right you're breaking the pieces down and that can be really useful because there's times that kids need to know that they did the right thing they took the right step 1 of the things that I struggle with that so hard and most of you probably have that same thing have you noticed that kids get rewarded in the short term for some of the dumbest stuff so when they're doing life destroying a really bad relationship stuff they get short term rewards and there's often times when kids are making really wise decisions that the short term is really painful and they are so far out of the long term that they're not seeing the benefits of the and so sometimes you know it's just that evaluating if you did the right thing in it and doing the right thing sometimes hurts you know or it sets you back where you lose friends you know that sort of thing about you waiting can be a really good tool for that once again you've done a good evaluation of what do the kids what do you want the kids to do after you evaluate start talking some are right you've used it as a tool to get them thinking and processing Berkeley so the last 1 is advising Solomon talks about it as that advice is like a golden apple or silver apple I'm not sure which I'm not sure what the metaphor with that is but it must be good. So device at the right time can be golden. And so it's not a bad thing to think about advice really as we say it is is supporting the best suggesting the best course of action success in the best course of action and so you might give them some advice on the what to do so here's the question for you is that as you look at these tools what we've drawn it in is a triangle and we've tried to be symbolic with this thing when I 1st saw this triangle I adapted it from from lots of teaching it was the other way around and so it looked like a pyramid with a mountain and at the very top was advising so for any of you mountain climbers out there when you see the advising at the top What's your goal. That's where I want to get to the sooner the better right and what I've tried to do is are verse that action around and really demonstrate that sign a listening is is our goal sign a listening is our goal if we have to give advice we give advice but here's what's awesome about that even is that a lot of times we don't have to give that advice they'll walk away with clarity with purpose with action with something that you really even say wow that's that i'm And it I want to be even thought of that and they go off and do it a lot of times with advice you can give all the advice in the world but they dissed don't internalize right they don't go to the internal motivation and the other thing that we really focus on this thing is is that there is an invisible line that we try to draw right in here and what that invisible line is is that when we go down here we want to try to make these permission based. Permission based for most of us that have jobs and even today I'm doing some on our right and I'm. Spending a lot of time and advice analyzing that's what most of us get paid for the better you are at these things most likely you're getting paid more for being good at that most of us aren't spending much time in these skills in the workplace it's not rewarded as much and so when you get home from a long day at work and your kid starts talking what do we naturally bump to write down here right and so what I want to say is is that try to keep your conversations up here try to use try to get away with these 4 tools as much as possible and these aren't every single conversation this is just those those deeper conversations when you recognize that you're kind of on a holy ground conversation so spend time up here if you're going down here by permission based Hey I've been through something similar if you're interested in love to share with you some of the stuff I learned through that experience or I've got a friend that went through something similar you know if you're interested I can share you know some of the things that I learned from that I've got some advice that I'd love to share with you but you know I don't know when the if you're interested in hearing it I'd love to share it just let me know when and you're giving them permission to invite you into these into these spaces what I find is that when a teen says yeah sure I'd love to hear about that you're given you're given space and you're given a validity they invited you into that space of advice and it just seems much more powerful any response on this yeah please for. Younger kids this is perfect with younger kids too. Don't run in the street is not this conversation. But when they're saying you know I just don't want to go to Pathfinders anymore I hate Pathfinders this would be your skillset for that. When they're not wanted to have a kid over for play date that year or you like her mom. This would be the time to use a skill set even for a little kid. Honestly this is not a kid base this is actually taught from adult coaching mentality so this isn't all relationship I just find that teens probably navigate this a little bit better them than a kid would and so you can verbal to give a little bit more for a teen and expect a little bit more from them they are great question thank you so you can use this with little kids and adults yes please. And. Yeah that's part and then you don't you don't share Yeah that's the struggle that we have is that it will be so frustrating because there are times that you have the exact solution for what they need and they're not ready for it or they're not they're not open to it if you share that without their permission you're going to get about the same results as not sharing it the that makes sense and so there are ways that we can share concern and we'll get to that So if you're concerned about a teen's behavior you don't need permission to share that concern. So so let's divide those up a little bit but this is really if you at that point of having a conversation with them and you know the solution for their problem and they're not ready for you to get it just just wait on it and there's times that we make it as appealing as possible for them to ask you know and so we we do want to make sure that it's not just a shrug it off. And create other conversations around it that's that's probably what I'd say is find ways to bring it up again. But yeah that's that's the struggle that I have if we give advice that our kids aren't ready for it well you'll find is that they probably will not come talk to you as much so if a if a teen's talking about a relationship with the teacher and you tell them exactly what to do to solve it without really hearing them out the likelihood of them sharing that level of of conversation drops. They're going to they're going to talk to someone else or else they're going to internalize it and you've noticed that with your friends haven't you where you've called because you want to talk about something and they've just talked about themselves or they've just blabbed out what you should do us as Christians are the worst at this because there are times we threw out a texted each other. Yeah that's also known as a Jesus chook or it's like Jesus is the answer and that's true Jesus is the answer I'm not making fun of that but. You know Jesus heard people out you know in any new Their hearts he connected with them individually and personally and then he did stuff to invite them to follow him you know that the process is there and so keep that in mind is that. If you follow this you'll find that kids do some some awesome stuff here's the other really blessing from it is a how many of you have ever given advice to someone and look back at it and say that was horrible advice. And they blamed you for. And so what's amazing about this is especially with other people's kids if you're spending time up here they're reaching a conclusion you're helping them explore that conclusion. But they own it you know so it's not your They're getting accountability so if you're looking at this process keep in mind that at top you're saying you're capable and at the bottom you're saying you need me so if you look at this thing right here you're raising the kids line and when you're having Sila listening the top conversations this kid's lines going up when you're having conversations toward the bottom on the red side you're actually raising your raising years and making them more dependent on you and we talked about Camp counselors in training with them Pathfinder leaders all those sorts of people your goal is for those kids to launch right and not become dependent on you you want that strong secure relationship and not not that unhealthy dependence not that codependents any other questions on this this is. 1 during the last. Summer and it's not necessarily we're just giving them an idea. The kids you know not just for their kids but even just you know the whole. You know you part of it you know you know you the other part is it could only get through sometimes can take a really long time to really come to understand that your so often to me is that some of it to me just let me just say OK I have an idea I really like that didn't seem to be nice because you have something above what you think you see here and. You know just an idea yeah I really like that instead of saying you should do this is have got some ideas here's some here's some different ideas different ways to look at it that's fantastic thank you so the power of even the phrasing really makes a big difference and the other thoughts questions on this all right so our goal is not to get to dependents and you need me our goal is to is to launch forward I'm Carl Rogers psychiatry just way back had the same that just really I resonate with a. It he wrote I'm interested in you as a person and I think what you feel is important I respect your thoughts and even if I don't agree with them I know they're valid for you I want to understand you I think you're worth listening to and I want you to know that I'm the kind of person you can talk to powerful those in it and for kids you know for both our kids and the kids that we have influence over for them to feel that way that takes time doesn't it it takes a little test that they're going to give you you know can I share with this person and when you pass the test that's that's what they're thinking that's what they're feeling there's just a security that comes from that barriers to communication. Do you guys have rock slides out here mudslides. Started looking at this picture last night and I'm like I don't think they'll understand in the Pacific Northwest where we get snow and health slides the rocks come crashing down on the road all the time. Not that big but that's pretty impressive so emotion high amounts of emotion from you or the other person. Really makes makes communication hard and I'll be honest with the I really struggle with. When teens especially. My wife or my girls are really highly emotional that causes me to feel some fear you know and so I work on that as I need to be more comfortable with emotion but how we teach the brain and will go over a little bit more and in some other settings is that we use a really simple hand example for it and so imagine this is your brain stem all the nerves all that stuff coming up to the base brain and the base brain is really this basic part that has some. Chooses what our brains paying attention to our responsiveness is there some people call it the lizard brain does because it's just a really disk jittery jumpy. Is this good or is as bad as fear is is is in a sense of everything's a threat right and so you've got this base brain which is pretty awesome it's knowing what senses are sending us information then you've got this thumb section that we bring in that we represent the limbic system and it's really basic form it's memory and emotion so the big deal in the hippocampus just are really basic level for living there and so you've got the emotions and memory and emotions and memory are really useful because that means that we're not processing everything for the very 1st time right when I meet someone that it's not like the 1st time I've ever met someone and so I can I know how to socially do stuff because I've got memories of social stuff the weird thing is I have never met someone in any other really like them quickly or you distrust them quickly. And then over time you learn that maybe you shouldn't have trusted them so much or maybe you learned that they really were a good person because our memory systems store stuff it responds to stuff in ways that we can't quite verbalize but it it impacts our actions and sometimes it's right sometimes it's wrong this is the system where when you look at at Child Development our brains integrate from backwards to forwards and so the limbic systems where our teens and tweens are just on fire their friendships their emotions establishing memories trying new things is really hot and then we bring down the frontal lobe and remember the frontal lobe for us guys is probably 28 years old before it fully integrated for girls it's maybe in the mid twenty's and so our teens frontal lobe in kids are are not quite not quite over it takes longer for them to engage and so many think about emotions emotions they flipped their lid that's kind of the feel for their frontal lobes another ball they're not being rational they're not being logical they're not there in cause and effect their dispatch emotional So here's the thing as if you're the parent and their emotions flip you out you're going limbic system the limbic system and that's just pure chaos that's pure chaos and what you have to do as a parent is figure out how I can respond to your frontal lobes your response system your other 2 systems or your reactive systems does that make sense and so if you go reactive system to a reactive system what do you get. Fireworks right and so a lot of times what we're doing is is helping people calm down making sure that you're calm down before you get into these conversations because if your wound up that's typically when we say stuff that we regret lack of tools a lot of kids. Just haven't had training in communication what we find especially we just have to practice this stuff with our kids we have to teach them how to communicate how to understand their emotions a lot of what we do our project paths and there is some criticism of what we do we have a program called the BT dialectical be a bit therapy and it's a program that is emotion regulation and it's not at it's basic form is it's teaching kids about their emotions how they affect each other how to respond how to communicate all these really basic things and we realized over time that most of the kids don't know him and a lot of times we've discovered that their parents during parent weekend as we train it they are also learning it for the 1st tide so for kids that have been raised on T.V. social media some of those things they lack some of those those tools filtered listening I'm really good at this it's not a good thing excuse me filtered listening is just that ability to hear what you want to hear or to do 1 thing and just respond they're having agenda Have you ever have someone to say I want I want to. Let's talk about something and really what they want to do is is that when they leave the conversation they want you to do something so have you ever been on nominating committee. When you talk to people what is your agenda for that for them to say yes right. And so in a sense that's a really tough conversation is because you've got an agenda they've got an agenda to keep out of boxes and so there's a there's a challenge there and the other thing that we find is distractions are huge. Do you guys have Red Robin restaurants out here. My wife won't take me to Red Robin. Because I can't stop looking at the T.V.'s there could be golf showing and I'm just. And my kids are just as bad when we go to. Do restaurants we have to really watch where the T.V. is or else none of the food will get eaten distractions are a huge problem. And homes are really distracting environments you've got a kid that becomes most times for those holy moment conversations let's just say you're making supper and your kid Sistan it at the at the. The breakfast bar or whatever and they just start sharing how hard is it for you at that point to be distraction free. It's brutal right it tends to be that these conversations happen so what we're trying to do is is diminished of the star actions turn off the T.V. a lot of times we find that just going on a walk is really helpful just getting out of the House sitting down on the porch getting away from the other kids in the home you know just for a few minutes all those things help with distractions how many of you have been really distracted by the way distractions and spilled. Bugs you doesn't. It's the readers I do have spelling problems we don't see that over time together but honestly distractions make it hard to hear anything even simple spelling problems will make people to know that's totally intentional. Totally intentional. Yeah very very distracting but that's it that's our lives and remember what I talked about multitasking right is that even a simple cadenced it well spell the see. You knew. Even a simple misspelling has it hard for us to communicate hard to listen at the same time. Time constraints this is huge and all say is that I find that my kids at least will start talking about some really deep stuff right before bed. And finding a balance of that is really hard you know there's times that you will have that conversation there's times that you might put off you know let's wake up 15 minutes early. Let's wake up 30 minutes early Well grab a cup of tea and let's talk about it you know those sorts of things can help. Just so it doesn't become manipulative but time constraints are brutal gender differences will go into this in just a minute please be patient with me and coming to me as we talk about that and then personality differences which we'll talk about just a little bit so warning generalities your personal experience may vary I am not putting you in a box please. I'm not putting in a box. This is taken from Emerson egrets I don't know if any of you have read love and respect series by Emerson if you have a chance Emerson's written a book of love and respect in the family which is gold really really good book I had a chance of interviewing Emerson for a podcast about that family book and it is fantastic so what Emerson is saying is that there are some general traits between men and women and how we communicate and being wise about these is really useful he's saying that males prefer shoulder to shoulder time and so shoulder to shoulder time looks like for us guys we'll be doing an activity together we're working on a project together more were hiking together we're fishing together we're doing something in which our person this is shoulder to shoulder to us so I can imagine that for a guy to be sitting down at home and watching T.V. and not talking for 40 minutes with your wife sitting there you will feel closer after that 40 minutes. And for most women shoulder to shoulder time can feel like wasted time but for guys it's just a thing that builds intimacy and trust and so for a lot of us guys just being together doing activity whether you're doing it with your spouse your kids your guy friends just simply go on a walk or hike together or not saying anything. Is is a bonding experience and it will lead to conversation what's interesting is that Emerson's wife was was frustrated because her teenage boy every day that you go home from school she tried to connect with them how was your days how was your day and he'd say fine. Next day same thing and he finally said Mom My days are fine if it changes all tell you. Brood all right and so she is like I'm going to try this shoulder to shoulder time I'm not going to ask him questions I'm just going to spend time with them and so they were on a long drive together in about 45 minutes into the drive he says to his mom mom did I tell you about something that happened at school and her thought is we haven't talked for 45. Is what she's thinking but I see in her calm it's like no honey and he shared and when he was done he stopped you know and that's the power of shoulder to shoulder what we find a project patch is that for all our kids boys and girls we tend to start with shoulder to shoulder time we've got activities we've got walks we've got hikes we've got just time of doing stuff together and our staff are always active with the kids so far kids are playing basketball we want our staff to be of our kids are doing a raking working project gardening our staff are doing it with them and the reason for that is that a shoulder to shoulder time it and it's the it's where you pay for the conversation and so for all of us boys girls I just recommend starting with that and what we also have swings in our front of our yard and we sit on the swings and we go back and forth in what I find is that those shoulder to shoulder conversations turn to face to face over time males tend to have a sense of honor and confrontation is that when in confrontation they're on or is it something that they're really sensitive for and so anything that would. Purt get or threaten that on or raises our emotions want makes us want to disengage and so anything that that the wording threatening tends to to pull us out and that's were for young boys too you'll see it in conversation even your little guys that just tends to be a thing that they're they're worried about so it has to do with their truth their dignity you know any of those sorts of things they'll they'll feel some they'll be more resistant to it they also in conflict need real respectful communication so needing. A tone a way of getting to interpersonal that's really honoring and that's hard sometimes when your son is not acting honorable How do you communicate an honorable way and that's pacing that's the way you might refer to 2 mistakes that have been made in general females prefer face to face communication that's that Starbucks table with a lot of eye contact and when you see even here at Camp Meeting you see people that move their chairs you know so that they can have more face to face rather than shoulder to shoulder time and that's that's really the tends to be where where women like to go in like I said these are generalities there's guys that really love face to face there's girls that are really uncomfortable with face to face and so for each 1 of your kids you're trying to figure that out. And females tend to confront to connect. And that's really weird for us guys because you don't like confrontation but there's times that they'll especially if they feel disconnected might actually pick a fight with the hope that it will lead to restoration and in the connectedness and so for us guys simply knowing that's really useful you know when our daughters might be pushing away from us that might be a sign that we just need to spend a little bit more time doing some things to connect with that and then in conflict need real loving communication sore tone of voice our attitudes everything just needs to communicate that I care about you and as they show share bravely about themselves you know really being loving and kind around that So these are generalities but it's really important to know and what I would say the gold from this is the shoulder to shoulder as well as the face to face for us guys with our daughters we need lots of face to face you know so that could be dates you know you know when you're going out for ice cream or yogurt or something like that and just having that time in which you're sitting there doing that it also means lots of walks hikes and activities those sorts of things the power of certain things like youth ministry that involves like can't ministry and Pathfinders is that by nature those are a lot of shoulder to shoulder time lots and lots of shoulder to shoulder time as you're in the unit doing activities all those kind of things and so to me that the fruit of some of those programs is more conversation. Yes So a sense of honor in confrontation let me open up to you guys what does that what does that mean to you what does that look like to you guys when you're in conflict to preserve your honor. Any Any thoughts on that. Front in the region. That you're not a male but that's that's a good 1 because being cut off over explaining ourselves is we might be communicating a little slower who might be formulating our thoughts. And there's times that we might feel like we're going to get it wrong I'd like to hear from a guy before I turn to the females Yeah. My son's perspectives when my boys are in conflict and 1 of them says you're lying. That's a that's a lot moments because I'm not lying that's a huge strike against honor and integrity Yeah that integrity being being walked out yeah that really could be anything else from the guys OK now it's open up for wives for things that you oh let's go ahead it's like sometimes in the conversation you're like. Made to feel like you did something that was just like how could you do this how old how can you think it was OK told him yeah. That's right so you're going to start questioning your carrier ability it's never happened. I'm theoretically Yeah thanks for sharing that because honestly that that tends tend to be the thing is that there's times that that that our wives might keep on at that moment you know and sense of vulnerability and start heaping on it and that's where you know if we're talking about this mistake that made or this sort of decision that was made going back in time and bringing back information to that wall will really set us off please yes because I just think you know that all. Of that and I have to wonder if a lot of these shooting that happened maybe police and civilians and just between civilian you know often result in you know exactly yeah you know. Techs are you know stirs up anger of his agenda lands. And you know very much so I think the situation escalates because you know the 1 just is the other and you know I can honestly just yeah just so you know I'm an Injun. Yeah so that idea that I'm trying to preserve my honor because I have to and that other person does. See me as honorable raises it raises it escalates it escalates Yeah so 1 more of them will keep moving place and I remember. Really getting close. To me. You're thinking OK I want to look down and kick the ground and the man aren't sure whether they agree here and you don't think that he or she. Looks that there's. Actually an. Interesting. If you have a chance to go here and most Emerson teach is it really is it's a good it's really good and his family book is even better than his 1st 1 a really really good stuff so I want to talk a little bit about personality if you attend our family experience which is our our family. We have a 500 acre family or cheating goal the deal Washington or we'll bring it on the road if you guys are interested in having something close here but it's a 4 day experience and for the entire family and a key part of what we do is that we do a personality profile test for everyone in the family for kids that are above age 10 or 12 that are verbal enough they take the test and for the others we have a book that kind of guides you through identifying but it's really the disk assessment in a quick way for the whole family and it's kind of foundational and what we say is that in this there's 4 quadrants at the top is really guarded and task oriented at the bottom is open and people oriented clear over there is direct and fast paced and over here is indirect and slower paced and so it's just 4 different quadrants and we all kind of play in all the quadrants so don't think of yourself locked in on the personality test will kind of reveal that by guarded and task oriented that means you're trying to get stuff done and you're not as open about yourself. Open and people oriented that means that you love the people you love connecting with people and you don't mind personal sharing indirect means that if I have a big burger hanging out of my nose here you in direct people would be handing me a tissue or going like this right the direct and faster paced people would be like Hey Chuck you've got to hear him and you'd share that right it to be and all of this is not right or wrong God does this and he does it in such a way that drives us crazy because our family is a mix of all these things and so we've got the lion personality we've got the otter personality we've got the golden retriever personality and then you've got the beaver personalities so each 1 of these is slightly different we use animals to so it's a little more approachable the beaver is natural strengths are really structured accurate systematic if you have a brain surgeon you want them to be the beaver OK they're well studied they're careful they know exactly what they're doing and why they're doing it underlying conflict and emotion excuse me underlying emotion and calm. So in the beaver personalities in conflict there really unsure a lot of that's because they are fact based and a lot of the emotions are hard to quantify and so in their brain they're just trying to figure out what happened when the sequentially happened and just trying to figure out all those all those details communication style is questioning analyzing clarifying if you've got a beaver kid and you say we're going to go to camp meeting and they're like I don't know because what are we going to do on that Tuesday afternoon when I typically have my trumpet lesson. You know they're into the facts what do we need to pack what do we need to do all those things and sometimes it comes across as rebellion to us but in actuality there are craving that information the lion personality they're very decisive goal oriented they know what they need to do if you take let's just say. You're inviting a lion personality for lunch they're telling you where you're going to go eat and they have no problem telling you that information because they want to eat what they want to eat impatience to anger in any emotion and conflict that's because they're very direct and fast paced and so if you are saying to a lion you know I'm just kind of I'm not sure about some of the behavior that you're doing which behavior when you know and they're they're pushing back on that they really want to know and they want it fast. Communication style direct blunt confrontational and that's just kind of the natural the natural way that they do it and what we find is that healthy lions are fantastic emotionally unhealthy lions are really destructive because they're just out there they warrant and cause all sorts of problems on the golden retriever natural strength easygoing patient good listener a lot of therapist counsellors are in that that realm emotion and conflict is flatline what that means is that they're just not sure how to respond they can perceive lots of different levels of emotion and they just aren't sure exactly you know is it people is that process and they're just kind of there's a lot going on I'm simply asking a golden retriever at a restaurant what do you want to order it's really hard I have a daughter that orders macaroni and cheese at every single restaurant why she doesn't want to decide and so it's her go to thing ironically she just got diagnosed with lactose intolerance. Poor little pinky and so she really struggles our restaurants no. Communication style is calm caring sincere really want to connect our personality otters tend to just be fun loving optimistic it's not a party they'll make it into a party they love the people sighing underlying emotion and conflict is optimism if I can make people laugh this will be taken care of or if I can do something you know if I can talk enough they're really verbal and so they really have this idea that I can solve it if you're feeling bad or you're feeling sad let's work it out we'll get it figured out and often they hurt people through that. Communication style is expressive persuasive The reason I share all of this is that all of this is going on in your communication so if you've got a kid that that is appearing to be resistant to something. It could just be their personality how they communicate the bluntness of how they communicate if you're a golden retriever as a parent and your kid's a lion How do they need you to communicate to them bluntly how comfortable are you doing that no that's really uncomfortable for you but why do you communicate to them bluntly that's what they need yeah that's what they need and so you're not asking people to do what you need what's comfortable for you you're serving other people of your communication so if you're being blunt or let's just say you're the author for me to talk to someone that's And this is what's funny about our family as a modern my wife is is Beaver so you can tell that we have some conflict in our family at times. But for me to really come up with a plan you know what are we going to do Sabbath afternoon I've got this optimistic plan that we're going to go rafting OK and she's looking at her clock knowing that it's impossible to do you know so we're number coming up with ideas for the day you know the more factual I can be the more and analysis that I can do the better it serves her or giving her time you know giving her more time to process it than than I need to do it so all that stuff happens happens at a regular basis for me to be with a group of people and feel connected is great for someone that's more interactive having a small group environment going to be much better much richer environment lots of time 1 on 1 and so I just share this with our family experience we spend hours on this it impacts how you deal with with discipline for your kid when you tell. Golden Retriever kid you've got 2 choices you either do this or that you know civil law and logic type parenting tends to explode with these golden retriever kids why. They can't choose choosing is really uncomfortable for them you know so you're actually demanding something from them that's that's and that is harder for them than other kids and so I'm not anti love the logic come to saying that personalities Everything affects affects everything OK a key phrase that I'd like you to practice as much as possible or is it seems like you know your question in the back earlier was if you've got an observation that your teen is maybe doing something that you don't want them to do or you've got a concern about their life for tomorrow for Thursday we'll be talking about video games you know it seems like you're playing this game and disconnecting from from family and friends that's a way that you'd be making an observation you could say it as hey you're playing a video game a lot and you're not talking with your family you're disconnected from a family the content is the same but there's something about saying it seems like that reduces their arguments back you're making an observation there's something about kids that they tend to respect observations and thoughts but they push back on judgment right and so it seems like just seems like an easy way to break down barriers and communicate concern with kids we use it all the time with our kids at Pacha seems like they're really struggling today it seems like your book that's my alarm saying talk you've got 5 minutes. For us to be able to it seems like you're sad it seems like you'd rather be someplace else right now you know it seems like you're kind of mad at me all those things are really useful and sometimes they'll say no I'm not you know I was just thinking about something else or I'm just homesick today and that leads into a conversation you know and to me that's that's the richness of making that sort of observation another thing that we'll talk about a little bit more through our session is is the power of the word and I don't think this is in your notes so just write down a big and and write down validating next to it. Validating is really that process of kids feeling like like we get them so validating behavior validating feelings making sure that the kids understand that we get that they're valid and validating can be really useful for a number of really hard subjects but they can demand a lot from us from a parent so imagine from a therapeutic environment you've got a kid that's just taken razor blades and doesn't cut through out there or how do you validate that. And what we do for validation is you know I can see that if you're feeling a lot of pain that you'd like to get you'd like to be able to get control of your pain and that that is is making you feel somewhat in control and I'd like to explore ways in which you can feel your pain get over you know get through your pain without you having having scars from it you know I can see where. You shouting and throwing things you know seem like the right thing to do and that it really kind of made you feel kind of powerful for a few minutes and I'd like to explore maybe some ways that you can feel that same power without without scaring people without damaging things that and is the powerful thing transition from YOU GET THEIR behavior you get their emotions and you're providing a path toward healthily going through it the that makes sense we tend to use the word but you know I get that you're feeling really sad but you need to clean your room or you need to get to school you know that's that tends to end what does the word but tend to do. Erases everything we've said before right and so working in the word and as much as possible is just it's a skill that our kids connect with. And I think all of us connect with that word and you know I can understand that you're feeling overwhelmed right now and you know you still have a lot to do today let's let's figure out how we're going to get through our priorities for it you know those those sorts of things that create some teamwork around that and validating as is hugely hugely powerful What if your kid's not responding. You're trying all these things and they're just not responding. This is more for teacher's class today we're going to pop all the bubbles in this packing material. When you just how many of you love popping stuff like that OK fantastic. But you know what you're doing is is it takes a foundation of a relationship and there's times that you might have a have a kid that you really know needs to share something or that they need to go deep and they're just not doing it and that's where you're adding the shoulder to shoulder time you're spending as much time together connecting connecting as much as possible you know a verse that I just want to share with you just kind of a summary of this is Jesus had a combination in his ministry of teaching and a lot of times he told parables right in his teaching and then other times I'm reading out of Luke 9 it says once when Jesus was praying in private and this is his disciples were with him he asked them who do the crowds say I am. That's a great question isn't it and then he takes that question later but what about you who do you say I am Have you noticed that Jesus doesn't spend a whole lot of time. Just blasting people even when he's teaching it says that he sat down on the mountain and the people came to him right. Is that he wasn't going to people other than I guess when he drove the people out of the temple that was 1 of his more aggressive aggressive things that he did but the majority of Jesus's teachings were permission based they were relationship based they were done in questions they were done in a really dignifying way is that he was teaching in a way that caused people to engage he was trusting that they were intelligent he didn't talk down to people he knew that the world had all sorts of problems but he was patient you know as as he taught and so what I want to say is the end of the day is that this isn't an easy thing but our ability to show our kids dignity that respect how to create moments of that will increase the talking how to recognize when you're on that all the ground and to be able to use some of the tools of restraint you know to keep that conversation going there's a huge huge amount of power and honestly there's a huge amount of blessing in that and so I'm hoping that that this was helpful I'm Tamara we're going to talk about raising kids in a pornographic world we're going to get into. Some of the threats but more than that we're going to get into some of the whys of the you systems for helping your kids stay away from porn and we're going to go through both the heavy stuff as well as a recovery plan. And so you know honestly it's that's 1 of my favorite things to talk about it's going to be an encouraging time together and a really difficult time together so that's Wednesday same time right here Thursdays videogame antidote on Fridays disconnected in the connected world so all the social media stuff we talked about the family experience I didn't talk about too much about that but anyone that's attending these seminars I'll send you a voucher if you give me your information about sure we'll give you your family 20 percent off that attending that and if you are interested I've got materials about that program here we also have our youth program materials right up here so you can hear about our boys and girls program and then finally 1 of the things that I do as part of our ministry is I do a lot of this sort of thing in local churches and so if you're interested in having a weekend seminar in your local church my favorite thing to do is come in talk to the kids at your school and do a community outreach as part of that that weekend so typically flying in on a Thursday leaving on a Sunday doing kind of a focus on the on how do we help families how do we help the community around around these topics and so totally willing excited about that. If you're interested in all the slides from this this thing handouts I saw some of you taking pictures if you text the word and my camp 244222. You just type in my camp you'll get a little thing to ask you for e-mail and I'll just start sending you there will be about 4 weeks of materials including some videos and book type things and if not there's a sign up sheet right here if you don't have a smartphone and we can get to your stuff as always sorry last thing is I'd love to meet with you guys take time to learn that and also share you know if you've got specific challenges that you have of your kids grandkids I'd love to talk so sign up right here and let me pray for you and we'll will end our time together father I just want to thank you for. Your example that you came home to seek and save the lost and he did it through connection connecting hearts and drawing us back to you in a way that was tender. At the right time the right words and so Father I ask for your wisdom to be on the part of every parent here every every grandparent every mentor and father realize that there's tough conversations coming up things that that our kids are struggling with that they need an adult perspective on and just give us wisdom as we as we deal with those situations most of all Father we just really thank you that we can connect with you that you're always present always drawing our hearts connected with us that you're not ever going to leave us and so we just praise you for that your name in. This media was brought to you by audio 1st a website dedicated to spreading God's word through free sermon audio and much more if you would like to know more about audio verse if you would like to listen to more sermons lead to visit W W W audio verse or.

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