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3. Raising Kids Safely in a Pornographic World

Chuck Hagele

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  • June 19, 2017
    10:00 AM
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All right perfect let's power heads and start off this morning with prayer Father we just thank you for this bright new beautiful day we just thank you for in the midst of this world that's that's soaked with so many dangerous and sad things that your light shines and that you're willing to shine your light into into the darkest places and bring healing a father we just pray for this tough topic as we discuss it that we might find hope that our kids might be protected from it or more than that that our kids will have freedom from it in your name Amen say we're talking about pornography which is not an easy thing to talk about you know there's a verse in the Bible that says the thief comes to what steal kill and destroy how many of you woke up today with a To Do list. Some of you some of you woke up with a survivalist right. What do I have to do to survive and then some of you woke up with a To Do list what I'm convinced about is that Satan wakes up every day I don't think he even sleeps he Every day is on task on on his on his task and that's pretty simple steel tell him destroy any idea what this is right here other than Lego's this is a statistical lifetime 10 years 10 years 10 years adding up to 80 years each Lego represents a year and some people are involved this time that's great but this is a statistical lifetime and what I try to show on this is we use this as a counseling tool with kids at Patch what's interesting is getting a kid to talk like we talked about yesterday is difficult at times and this is a tool just for us to say hey what do you know about your 1st year of life where were you living what was your home like. Parents' paths you know what pictures do you remember from that point and so imagine story telling. Through their life up to the point that they are this kid at this point I think I've represented a 16 year old most of the time we put a little Lego kid you know for whatever age they're a little guy or girl sitting on it but it's a way of telling stories and what I find interesting is that as you hear a kid's story they've got great memories this is 1 I highlight for that year was I got to spend a week with grandpa and grandma cousin camp or something like that you know that's when I started 1st grade you know what do you remember about your 1st grade teacher and there's lots and lots of good stuff but the majority of kids that we're dealing with you start getting to 4 or 5 and that's when they remember Dad and Mom fighting that's when they remember hiding and plugging their ears you get a little bit further they remember divorces they remember when Mom started getting this boyfriend they remember unsafe touches they remember feeling alone they remember feeling stupid at school. Lost in the family where someone that they really depended on maybe a grandparent passed away and we've got kids that have gone through suicide their parents discovered their parents you know after the suicide horrible horrible things but you can even imagine your kids right they've got great stories and they've also got losses and here. For our kids at Patch we finally get to a point that they've shared the good the bad and a lot of them are the disappointments the mistrusting the habits that they've developed for coping and we asked them how much of this do you want to have defined this. How much of this do you want to set these relationships and the reason that this comes to mind is that I ask teenagers this pretty annoying question I've asked them how many of you believe that at some point you're going to meet this person of your dreams your heart is going to go nuts and your tongue is going to fail you you're going to pursue their heart you're going to win their heart you're going to get married and then you're going to be together till death do you part how many of you believe that's in your future and I have kids do this this or this. Yes when I hear from from majority of teens Christian non-Christian administers what sort of what do you think I'm getting. Why do you think that is the majority because I have a few kids that are like yes but that's the minority majority of kids are either this or I don't know what why would that be so trauma background in their background they could have parents that divorced right grandparents of divorced. And and thought of divorced friends so they've got a lot of brokenness in the past what else or self-esteem no one's going to want no one's going to want me. About that So self-esteem affects what else OK So there are so hopeless about the future that they don't believe that that's even there you know and I'll be honest with you I remember praying as a teenager God please help me to be able to have sex before you return. OK come fast you're anyone else anyone else. OK That was blunt OK what else. Anything else that you think of that would keep a kid from believing that that's in their future. Role models media media is big on that you don't see many of the sort of thing happening. Yeah so I'm going to that's not how many people know the statistics for the likelihood of marriage succeeding 50 percent. Interesting isn't it did you realize that that statistic is really. Kids kids will tell you people tell you about 5050 chance they might fudge it a little bit which way it goes but approximately 5050 chance of marriage succeeding is what the statistics tell us but here's what's what's mind blowing is that that's overall statistics of marriage including re marriages if you take the 1st time covenant in marriages and by that it's a 1st time marriage in which you're doing it coveting it making a covenant in front of God So so we're talking not just going to the judge or something like that eloping this is a covenant marriage 1st time covenant marriages have over 70 percent chance of succeeding. The problem is is that if you divorce the likelihood of having multiple divorces increases and so that population that divorces actually starts viewing the statistic And so when people hear that they're like 5050 chance that's a coin flip right and if you're doing a coin flip how many of you feel good about you know that's scary but for kids they need to know that that's a possibility for the future and so if kids are at this age 141516 saying I don't believe I want to be getting married someday or I don't think it's likely for me to be in a strong covenant marriage that I can't plan on that in my future how does that change their dating life. How does that change their personal pursuit of purity How does that change their sexuality if they don't believe that that's in store for them you know so we read this verse the thief comes to steal kill and destroy it is something that is I've seen is valid kids dreams before they're even reaching that age of dating they've had a dream stolen from them and I think that's part of our job is to restore it restore and God says I have come that you might have what life what kind of life abundant full life full life and that doesn't mean that this world is our is our home but that means that God is in developing this part of our life you know that our best years are still to come and really I want to get that in our brain is that as we go into this this session is that is that it is definitely a battle between fullness and brokenness all this all this is is part of that the launch process that we talked about quite a few times already I'm just going to give you a quick synopsis of it the child is born without any ability to do anything the pair has to do it all the goal is to launch the child into being fully. Responsible for their own life because the parent can't be right there's a phase of teaching and discipline and there's also a phase of coaching and mentoring and this is a constant challenge for us parents families resist change have you noticed that we don't like to change kids don't like to change parents don't like to change so here's a question for you and really if you're with a couple you might want to you know just really think it through together when did you have the toothbrushing talk and who did it Dad or Mom or did you do it differently for your son or daughter the toothbrushing talk how many of you remember having the toothbrushing talk with your kids. Did you talk about plaque. That's kind of ridiculous question isn't it because toothbrushes starts with you're brushing their gums right the parents doing it over time they get to fiddle with the tooth brush but it's really mostly getting messy you're teaching them not to swallow the toothpaste even though they can at 1st and then slowly they become more responsible yesterday we talked about the teen years where you might have to start smelling their breath again to make sure they're doing it because they're more responsible than you are but you still have a role to play in their life right and so all this stuff happens you never have the toothbrushing talk it's a phase in which you have lots and lots of conversations lots and lots of conversations just when you think you're done with it what do you have to do talk about it again so here's the thing that I want to ask is there any thing in parents in parenting that is the talk that requires 1 the conversation and that's but isn't it interesting that when you start talking to 2 parents and for teens I get this question all the time when should I have the talk with my kids about sexuality when should I have the talk about pornography at what age should dad do it or should mom do it doesn't that kind of strong that that why would we think that that would work for 1 of the most come complicated human relationship 1 of the most complicated pleasure loops possible why is it that we think that 1 conversation would take care of it and why would we think that we can start when they're all the way down here right because like it or not it's a development launch and so some of you have kids down here it's not too late some of you have kids right down here it's not too early it's a process and it's and it's age appropriate and that's the thing that drives me crazy is that for any of us just for me to say it or for you to hear it say how do I age appropriately talk to my kid. It depends on the kid and it's hard you know and it takes insight it takes prayer it takes you know just kind of trying different things and part of it is is that it just takes takes trying you know realizing that you might fail and you have to adjust you have to adjust but it what I recommend is that it's lots of conversations the other option that we see while we'll talk about this our goal today is to present a whole section that helps kids understand an internal reason not to do porn not to engage in masturbation so an internal reason to do it not because of fear not because of fear of being caught or not because of fear of being exposed but because of a right internal gut reason for doing it because of values you know the other option that I see is if parents are like my kid doesn't have internet my kid doesn't have anything they have no access they go to a Christian school they're at Camp meeting they'll never see this stuff. And so what we say is this kid it lacks the ability to do it at some point they're going to be shown an image they're going to be asked to do something and there's just no kid capacity of that kid and you know 1 of the skills that we teach kids is if something crazy comes onto the screen and that happens with computers doesn't it where suddenly you click on a link or something and suddenly there's there's progress everywhere the kid to turn off the C.P.U. if they have to they if it's not a laptop yank the power cord out shut the thing down. Most kids don't know that you know they're not taught that and so they try to X. out the windows what could happen if they're trying to X. out windows on the pornography spam sites. Opens up more and more and more and so what we have to do is prepare kids the likelihood of them on computers doing innocent stuff and having stuff come up at them is very very high and so if you've had the conversations and training with your kids that they know that they can break the computer that they shut the laptop screen that they employ whatever they they can do that that equips them so that they're prepared for it it doesn't increase the likelihood of them seeing it it just equips them for it and so what we say is it makes sense that parents live in that fear control money create a bubble and yes we want to create as safe as possible environment for our kids but this world has a tendency of showing your kids stuff that we'd never imagine that they'd see. Let's keep moving along here defining pornography is really interesting is that I find especially talking with teenagers that they love to get into arguments about what's pornography and what's not is this good or is this bad and so I came across this so a while ago Timothy Keller in his book I'm closing the porn window introduces these 2 words form and function and I find it really interesting what form is is what does that look like is that a picture is it a. Is it a. Written story is it a piece of marble or what exactly is it is that a catalogue and so you know from a form side if it's a video of people having sex that we know the form of that right and then the other question is what's the function of it is the function so if you have a video of people having sex the function probably is arousal and and so it's pretty clear that form and function both a lie on and say yeah that's pornography pretty interesting right pretty basic the form and the function are in agreement what I find interesting is that imagine a swimsuit catalog what is the form of a swimsuit catalog. Pictures of women in swimsuits probably right and the pictures are taken in such a way that would make women that are trying to buy a swimsuit say I would look great in that right. Or to say that's been airbrushed. She's had surgery you know that sort of whatever it is but the goal is to sell swimsuits so that you know in a sense they try to create the form in such a way that it would would create people to buy a swimsuit and then the description underneath is going to give information about the swimsuit sizes pricing ordering information right so the form of it and the function of it what's the function sell some suits pornography if your 14 year old boy has it has the form changed form still the same thing right the same thing that you'd look at the form is the same but now what's the function he's using it for what arousal he's using it for sexual discovery he's using it for something different than the purpose was and the reason I share that is that sometimes we get into these arguments about yeah it's pornographic or it's not or it's nakedness or it's not I say deep in that conversation has anyone been to Florence and seen the statue of David. Pretty amazing was it a graphic it's a massive statue of David David is naked the form of it is nakedness but the function of it is off the function that is like I cannot believe that that was done by a human hand to make that statue you know and so I maybe some people are aroused by it but most people are like wow that's amazing artistry and so the reason I share that is because it's easy for you and your kids to get into arguments but what I say is is start breaking it down what is a form of it and what's the function of it you know there's some criticism that I think is justified against the early ascetics those were the people that went off into the desert do you remember hearing about them as administers nomination make fun of them quite a bit so they're the early church fathers that went off into the desert to to try to get closer with God and I kind of made fun of them for a long time because what's that idea they're fleeing from sin right and so they're going out into the desert fleeing from sin but as I started reading through some of the readings what I discovered is that they went out into the desert for 1 specific purpose so that they would have nothing to blame for what's going on in their mind because the reality is is that in this world there's there's lots of other people to blame for stuff right and hear this quite a bit even some of the literature like every young man's battle every man's battle has this idea that that us guys would be less sexually tempted if what. If it wasn't for you women right and how long your whatever is and how you're wearing whatever and so there's that idea and eat it crosses cultures you know it's a woman's fault that us guys are slipping and what those early church monastics did was that they knew that it wasn't women's fault they knew that they could be in the desert in the most sterile of environments and what would their minds be doing sexualizing sexualizing things I'm much more concerned I am very concerned about kids that are looking at porn I am very concerned about kids that are sexualizing things that were never intended to be sexualized I'm concerned about us as men and women that are taking people that are alive and human and objectifying them and that's on us you know so it's easy to look at the people that are creating porn and say you know the rules are horrible people but honestly us as human beings sexualize each other you know and and tell that stops there's going to be porn the that makes sense and so this conversation is is super rich it's really to me I've seen kids do it and respond in really mature ways in ways that they understand that it's much what they bring to it is as important as what the world is bringing this does that make sense we're teaming up with that OK So this is where I just try to shock you for a few minutes this is old statistics all of the Internet statistics are really murky in this area if you ever want to stay up late at night go to Josh McDaniels Web site Josh dot org and you'll see all sorts of parent resources statistics it will freak you out. 90 percent of 88 to 16 year olds are viewed pornography. 20 to 30 percent of adult industry traffic that's the traffic that's going to adult websites is children that are generating that traffic and if you look at the adult industry compared to even like Amazon and all those things it out shadows it by a landslide 80 percent of children using e-mail receive inappropriate messages majority of the teens nowadays don't use e-mail they have e-mail so they can sign up for stuff but they don't use e-mail but if you go through because they sign up for so much weird stuff that they do have a lot of inappropriate links or spam or or stuff in their e-mail 70 percent of teens have accidentally come across pornography on the web on the Web We'll break that statistic down a little bit and I think you'll see some some different things on it. So as you've seen this did I say boy or girl. Statistically you'll see some differences on porn use but as far as exposure and even nowadays the use of girls in Gates' report August he's climbing at a at a really high rate so if you have a daughter Don't assume that it's a boy problem you know just because it's a it's the world that they're living in what are they seeing online so this is looking at different things the different types of content so kids that have seen online pornography they're revealing what sort of stuff they've seen some number 1 have seen group sex on the internet so 83 percent of the boys 57 percent of the girls number 2 have seen porn showing same sex intercourse so about 70 percent of the boys 55 percent of the girls have viewed sex acts involving bondage number 339 percent in 2003 this statistic was taken before the shades of grey movies which are or movies that came out I guess there's 2 of them now which were highly involving bondage and. Horrible things my guess is that with those movies this is spiked up you know just because kids are curious about stuff. Viewed beastie ality So number 4 sex with animals 32 percent of the boys 18 of the girls have seen rape or sexual violence online 15 percent of the boys 9 percent of the girls and have seen child pornography so that's 15 percent and 9 so here's what's interesting is that there's people that are into porn and I was unprepared I was giving a presentation for therapeutic foster parents in Seattle and so this is parents these are people that are foster parents taking on a very challenging group of kids and that was where I met my 1st pro porn parrot at a seminar. I wasn't prepared. To say the least and was interesting about it was that he was pushing back you saying well they're not really you know most of the child porn out there isn't really child children so like the Web sites that are 16 and under those are really you know 1819 year olds that are posing as a 16 year olds OK let's talk form and function if they are representing it even though it's not a maybe she's 18 but they're representing her as a 16 year old or a 14 year old the form of it is what and then the function of it is people are getting turned on because they they're thinking about 1416 year olds right so from a form function standpoint that's where we're regardless of its age of the person if the form and function are causing turn on because it's a minor that's a problem that's a huge problem to me that's a much richer discussion isn't it. Than arguing over is she really. Are you getting turned on because you think she's young you know and that's to me is really interesting freaks you out a little bit doesn't it so here's what we talk about quite a bit as for kids I was a missionary kid in Japan don't be too impressed because I always wanted to be a missionary because in Japan it's pretty cushy my dad taught at a university so it's not like we're in the jungle doing missionary stuff we read missionary stories as a kid but but but I was naïve you know all totally give you that and I remember as a kid we came back on furlough and we were up with my grandparents in Canada extended family Sabbath lunch and my brothers and I wanted to know what the F. word meant. It's a swear word and so yes what we did we asked at Sabbath lunch. And 1 of the cousins said I'll tell you later. And he did with that conversation happen now. Probably not you Google because Google tell you stuff in the privacy you have no embarrassment about it you just Google it and so if you google stuff what is Google going to tell you is normal what does actually look like and what Google is saying is it could involve a group it could even involve an animal for it to be violent could be could be normal right and so when kids are looking at their future expectations for sexuality some of this stuff gets in there because Google saying it's pretty normal that's what that's what fun loving consenting adults do right and so to me that scares me because because kids are getting a rotten view of sexuality but here's the thing is is the report from the church is don't. You know we don't necessarily give kids a picture of sexuality and we'll develop that a little bit more this morning this is taken from a fantastic study that was done by Barna Research probably about 2 years ago their book called The porn phenomenon anyone have a copy of it it's about $40.00 What I would recommend as every church every school have a copy is just really useful information what they did was they studied. Kids So teenagers they studied young adults and as any Barna study would do they included youth pastors and senior pastors So imagine that for Quadrant the group of people and they studied the difference between Christian kids and secular kids and what they really discovered this is just kids in general the top line right here it's kind of hard to read it's the teens 13 to 17 year old how many what percentage is come across. The 1st 1 to be daily weekly once or twice a year so if you look at that it's 49 percent come across it at least once a month. That doesn't mean they're seeking it out that just means that they come across that they could be doing an innocent search online and it just something pornographic comes across the statistic drops when it comes to seeking out so you've got $26.00 you've got 37 percent are seeking it out at least once a month this is what their statistics are showing and that's kids in a broad range This includes both boys and girls and their statistics although they break it down further in their in their document fascinating stuff it's really worth worth taking a look at. It's called the porn phenomenon and it's I got it as a P.D.F. off of dharnas site it's something that they did with Josh McDowell ministries covenant eyes which is a web program as well as as Barna they commissioned it for a set for a summit that they did about a year ago this is something else that I find fascinating this is another question that they asked both teens and young adults so it's from 13 to 24 year olds and the question was Is this usually or always wrong and so they had a way of ranking these things so out number the 1st 1 taking something that belongs to someone else 81 percent 88 percent said that's usually or always wrong I'm having a romantic relationship with someone other than your spouse 75 percent you feel pretty good about this so far right saying something isn't true is 71 percent not recycling is 56 percent. Let's come down here viewing pornographic images that 32 reading erotic pornographic content 27 watching sexually explicit T.V. images on a T.V. or movies is 24 just to visualize that let's just say we have 100 kids in the room here and we have a pizza feed and we give them pizza and cans of pop and at the same time we have porn showing on the video screen here and that's the only trash can what this is saying is that we'll get more complaints from the teens about not having a recycling trash can than we would be about the images that are showing on the screen interesting isn't it but before we berate it too much how many of your kids. Know songs about recycling seriously my kids are 7 and 8 years old and they can sing little recycling songs about because at school they have little videos on recycling and they learn stuff when you're at a store you can see recycling and there's model good behavior around it recycling right it's an easy conversation to have. About recycling and so for me I'm not necessarily down on that because I know that if we talk about it enough if we model women off if we spend enough time on it something as crazy as recycling can raising our kids consciousness does that make sense the reason this is so low is is that it's hard to talk about it's really not visual and those definitely not not something the we spend that much time with our kids kids dealing with Google is now teaching many of our kids about sex you can ask in the privacy of your browser there was a mom a couple weeks ago that I had came up after a session and she said that her 10 year old had gone online and he had typed in this search what should a 10 year old body boy's body look like what do you think Google told them all sorts of crazy stuff right but was his thought processes desire to know am I normal you know in my normal and Google's an easy place for kids to try to hunt for that sort of thing the privacy of their browser and so that's really what we're competing against we're competing against a non judge mental information source right but it's not a not a it doesn't match up with what we want our kids to be learning and so what we have to realize is that how do we create relationships connection with our kids in a way that we can be their source of wisdom so that we can be the source of my normal in my not Laurel. You know rather than their friends in the google I'd like to spend a few minutes and some of you are saying we're flying through these handouts the answer is once again are in there are all my slides are available if you type in the camp to the text or for to do 2 or else I have a. Sign up sheet up here that you get all the handouts so don't feel freaked out but here's some ways that the I've shared with teens that helps them understand what pornography is doing to them. So 1 of the things that happens with pornography is a loss of focus loss of time loss of impact so kids are involved in pornography find that they could be doing homework and suddenly they get into this warp of looking at porn going to more porn going to more porn and hours of time can slip by they should be writing a paper but they're doing that they should be calling someone but because of the anxiety that they're feeling they end up going to porn and so instead of solving stuff instead of getting productive instead of using good use of their time pornography starts becoming the thing that destroys their time another thing is that increases appetite and decreases sexual satisfaction we had a boy a patch that a told us he was masturbating 12 times a day. There's a sadness with that you know this kid's got a craving he's got a craving for satisfaction for whatever and it's an unrelenting it's an unrelenting thing that he's he's chasing So imagine a thirst that just increases each time you drink does that make sense and that's what our kids are going to that's their prerogative does is it increases the appetite keeps increasing it but at same time decreasing the satisfaction that people gain from it unrelenting that way an interesting op ed piece that was in G.Q. magazine and 1 of the reasons I share from G.Q. with teens is that they sometimes turn stuff off of it's overly Christian based and so this is G.Q. doing a study you know look at some of the stuff G Q's can focus and they've had a couple articles about at pornography is bad for people that's actually what they as a magazine of said several kinds some of the reasons for that is that there's this thing that they look at call the Coolidge effect that's novelty seeking that means that as people engage in pornography the Coolidge effect makes them less turned on by what originally turned them on and they seek something maybe a little bit more. Arousing so the case become extremely increasingly streamer deviant. Which is really interesting to think about. You know and my confession I'll just say right now is that I come from a background of struggling with pornography I found freedom and I found life from it my When I started on progress the it was a magazines and my parents did find my progress at 1 point and guess what they found glossy pictures of women right and even though my parents were having some weird conversations with me they could kind of understand why I'd be looking at that right glossy pictures of naked women. What's happening now is that as people are finding both kids on line and husbands or wives what they're finding stuff is stuff that's hard to explain why would you have your hard disk full of rape porn you know why would you even look at that stuff and what you find is that people have a hard time explaining why they would look at it but the Coolidge effect is really what's what's behind that is that what used to turn them on now doesn't the other crazy thing about it is that the aroused brain does stuff that our brain in calm state would never do and by arousal that could be sexual arousal or anger right and so there was a study done a while ago just to kind of see what happens when our our brains get sidetracked it was done at Stanford University and it's really a growth study but what they had done was took these undergraduate guys and given them a laptop and they had to respond to these questions about what they would do sexually what sort of activities would they ever give someone drugs to increase the chance of them being able to have sex with they have unprotected sex with every lie in order to have sex with they didn't gauge and you know on all these sexual questions right and the guys answered them and then turned in their results and then they had the guys take the same study again and this time they were masturbating as they took the study looking at images and when they hit a certain level of arousal they'd answer a question make sense and when they compared those twos responses they discovered that the guys would do stuff in and around the state that they'd never do in a calm state that when they were aroused they would actually do that they would consider lying they'd consider a protected sex they do I mean all sorts of things that they'd they'd never consider before and the reason I share that is because when people are all mind they're around. And then suddenly an image appears and what will they do. They might follow after it where in their calm state they'd be repulsed by it makes sense and so it's easy to judge but what I have to say is understand the trail and how pornography is working and so if your kid's looking at stuff that just is appalling to you it probably is appalling to them too in their home state there's that makes sense and what we have to realize is that as their brain is flipped how do we get their whole brain engaged right now rather than shutting down shutting down parts of it 19 percent of people involved with addiction that report premature ejaculation 25 percent disinterested with sex with a partner is that fascinating they'd rather have sex by themselves than sex with a with a partner 31 percent have difficulty reaching orgasm 34 percent experience direct all this function and so what's. Mindblowing about these statistics is that probably for them to reach orgasm instead of being present in that sex they have to go into the memories or they have to put make the situation that they're in pornographic does that make sense and so in a in a relationship that God calls to be beauty and pure physical intimacy and present this they're becoming vacant they're having sex with someone else in that moment. You know and that's both men and women that are vacating that sexual relationship in order to reach orgasm to me that's a sadness you know but it's the reality that a lot of people are going through and hopefully we can understand that that's not what our you know when I share this with kids is that that's not a path that you want to pursue you know for the boys out there you know premature ejaculation direct all stuff that's bad you know and they stare at me What are you talking about it's bad. Number 3 it separates us from people and makes us consumers of people to me this is probably 1 of the most important things for our kids to understand the lie that kids and adults say is this is not hurting anyone this is a victimless thing it's purely safe you know no one's getting hurt no one's getting pregnant everyone's happy being involved there is quite a few different studies done about the people that make progress and these are some of the things they found about the actual girls that were in it frequent drug use to do all the physical and emotional pain the type of sexual intercourse shown on the videos and online is physically painful. You know and what's interesting is that there's kids that report that they look at online porn so they can learn how to have sex right and so there's kids that are engaging in physical pain not realizing that what's happening online requires drugs for those people to be able to sustain that you know it's a physically and emotionally painful process a high probability of having sexual abuse of children abusive or distant father and so if you start looking at the trail of that those huge amounts of pain around that Quaritch and show up to do something and different than they agreed to so there might be a girl that agrees to pose do a video with with 1 guy she shows up in their 6 inch she go home at that point you know but would you ever know watching that video that she's afraid for a life you know you won't necessarily know that human sex trafficking half of prostitutes are creating. There's a video that's actually online I don't have a link to it but you can probably find it on You Tube I'd probably be a little afraid to hunt for her to even but it shows image after image of porn star their clothes but 1 set of overdosed or committed suicide I think it's 5 or 6 minutes long that image after image after image you know this is not a victimless crime is that there is stuff happening off screen that is just a moralizing less of these and wow yeah so what she's saying is that your fee is more abusive creating pornography is more abusive than being being a prostitute and for any of your churches there's a series of videos. The the video that I recommended It's in our resources is a video called chosen it's put out by Shared Hope International it's a it's a video that talks about. How kids are groomed into the sex industry and how they're selected how the vulnerable kids are picked how they are how they're brought into that we have had a huge success with that series what I'd say is it's show it to your boys to a majority of times that we've had kids almost on that line of going into into. Well being being taken into the sex industry it's the boys who saw that the kids were being groomed the girls were being groomed they're the ones that had enough perspective to to contact someone for help and so educate your boys in this. Most of the kids won't find it themselves but their girlfriends and other boys in the school can get identified. Chosen is by Shared Hope International. A group that's been working with this sort of thing for years and years started by a former congresswoman in Washington state really good stuff I don't agree with a lot of what Joe in the mix says but I love this saying is that he says I'm not interested in a world where men really want to watch porn but resist because they've been shamed interested in a world where men are raised from birth with such unshakeable understanding of women as living human beings that they are incapable of being aroused by their exploitation. So our kids especially the teens have a strong sense of justice they're fired up by justice in a way that I don't think any generation before has been and so if you help them understand that this is a thing that breaks people down this industry this is exploitation. Is exploitation even you know the story line of she's just doing it for college money no you know it's exploitation and so humanizing people power and that this is actually what helps a lot of kids understand is that I can't get turned on by someone else being hurt you know I will not get turned on by it by someone's innocence being broken so common for that I'm number 4 it increases our sense of powerlessness and victim thinking and so kids that are engaged in this just are so frustrated because they can't stop the thoughts they can't stop the actions they can't stop the compulsion of it and so that translates into other areas of the life where they just don't necessarily try and they see themselves as unmanageable I CAN'T CONTROL MY myself I can't control anything final thing that I've shared and there's a lot more than this is that it reduces ways for God to work in our lives. And for us to experience Him So addictions as a whole but especially even pornography is a masking coping mechanism so there's real hurts there's real desires there's real pain there's real needs right but instead of meeting those in God and in the things that God provides us goodness we're meeting them in pornography and and and sexuality right and so if we're meeting God's needs something that God can provide in a false god. Then how can God work in that area this doesn't make sense and so instead of us being able to experience freedom and God working in our lives were working in our own lives you know there's not the surrender there's not the power to God and to me that's the sadness that I feel is that is that God wants to do so much you know God wants to bring so much freedom he wants to heal the stuff you want to work in our lives and relationships and bring us to another level of belonging but when we're trying to solve it ourselves with things that distract from God and numb us from God we lose out on that that doesn't mean that God is not available forgiving all those kind of things it just means that God I've got a handle I don't need you and God respects that so the brain on porn we talked about yesterday real quick the brain stem the limbic system the frontal lobe what I find interesting is almost everything that Satan does with. Our the negative things is that he has 1 part of the brain that gets over stimulated and several other parts of the brain that get disconnected so instead of using our whole brain with our physicality our memories and our emotions and our thought life divided up and suppress 1 of them with with pornography the limbic system as well as the physical becomes everything and the front logical part disappears think about that so instead of being present instead of being whole instead of being involved it's all in the in the memory system tomorrow we'll talk about videogames you look at a lot of what the kids are doing nowadays when you give the kids a Go Pro camera and a cliff and what they do they get rid of the rest of their brain and they jump off that cliff to get it recorded right that's Satan saying that this system here in the back of the brain with the in it with the. What is the. Endorphins the fight or flight that takes over takes over you know what Satan does sometimes of Sabbath schools. He has a frontal lobe on fire doing all the thinking and instead of being emotionally mature he shuts down some of the emotions and some of the connections about people and we end up saying really hurtful things to be those that make sense and so satan uses it even in church for us to just do single part brain thinking and so what what God intends is full brain joy full brain sexuality not just 1 part being stimulated the other part other part being gone in the people here fly fishermen or fisherman fantastic we've got someone here which book would you prefer to use. This 1 has a barb where this 1 doesn't the difference that I have is when I go fishing and I'm not that great of a fly fisherman but if you catch a fish with a fly you 1st have to trick them and then when you get them to bite with a barbed hook you can let off the pressure you can let the line go and the fish has it in its mouth but it can't spit it out OK It's stuck in its lip with a barb less hook you have to keep the pressure on you have to keep the pressure on and so I prefer barbed hook because I'm a poor fisherman but when I get onto the water I'll look at my regulations and if it says Barb less hook required I'll take my I have a pyre type thing and I'll break off the barbs I'll just break it off and that way I have a barbless hook so the reason I share this is that. A lot of times as parents we're playing defense can I get the right filter or can I move to the right place can I make sure my kids of the right friends you know we're playing defense and what I'd like us to consider over the next minute is that how can we help our kids become barbless hooks rather than barbed hooks how can we make it so that when they see it it's easier for them to spit it out of their lives rather than something that burrows in and it's hard to disengage OK because what's the likelihood of our kid seeing it. Statistic said 90 percent right and what I want to say is that for us each 1 of us should just assume 100 percent. OK just because the likelihood of them saying It's so great for that just assume a 100 percent but then also assume that our goal is to is to help dislodge it from their lives Here's some of the barbs that we see 1 of the big ones the secrecy when you look at kids that are molested nearly every time it started with can you keep a secret Cheney keep a secret and there's a huge difference between good secret and bad secret you know for our family we have good secrets like birthday surprises and presents and stuff like that but we also teach a lot on we don't keep secrets if someone asked us to keep a secret that might be hurting you or someone else we don't do that you know we don't keep secrets of someone's getting hurt we don't keep secrets if it's something that that you know keep this from your Dad or Mom we don't we don't do that kind of thing we do keep stuff and confidence you know and so I don't share everyone's what they tell me but we don't do secrecy Shame Shame is a huge 1 burn a Browns written quite a bit about it is not necessary from a Christian standpoint but really helpful information on shame research have you guys study the different streams shame and guilt exactly as shame says your band Joel says I did something bad and that might sound really similar but it's worlds apart if I break something else says I should be more careful I need to make restitution you know those sorts of things if it's shame it's I'm such a Klotz uncaring person you know and those things I don't feel like I can change or deal with yes please I think that we found huge power in changing people just because it's such a. It's so effective. Let me give you an example this is we really watch these words with our kids is little brothers. Get this said to them all the time you're so annoying. That's a shame thing what you're doing is annoying is a. Conversation does that make sense if you're annoying can you change that really not but if it's if it's you know what you did it was annoying that you can do that differently and so you're right there is there is huge power in that and so I think as far as a church we've used shame because. It's a visceral people feel that they want to take it off you know but the same time those people that have been shamed for years even look at Martin Luther they they tried to shame him and what did he do he was convicted right and he's he withstood all that condemnation and all the stuff that was set against him so I do sense that our kids we want to get that internal understanding that I make mistakes I can fix those mistakes that doesn't mean I'm a bad person let me give you an example a seed got a 8 year old boy that's at home he's doing a paper and he comes across the on line he looks at it his reaction is is a combination of. Yuck and at the same time he can't stop looking at it is hands tingle he gets an erection for a minute and he tries to turn it off and he goes back to it because he's kind of curious whether he can see it again his mom catches him said Wait tell your dad gets home dad gets home and says you should look at that it's disgusting and the kids like OK but that night he can't stop thinking about it and as he goes through his mind he's like I kind of liked it but it kind of made me feel sick if I'd like something that's disgusting what does that make me. I must be disgusting and if I'm disgusting what do I end up doing with that I better keep it a secret is if other people in the disgusting I was they would reject me right and so this cycle goes on and on and what I have to say is that for boys to come out talking about their struggle with pornography is much easier than girls coming out and sharing their struggle for a girl to overcome the stigma of saying that I've struggled is rude all I don't have it in my resources but I'll try to add it into the thing I can go on most of the stuff that I'm sending guys is online Saul added but there's a website called I think it's horrible name but it's called like dirty girl ministries or something and yeah it's horrible name but fantastic heart of the people doing it it's resources for girls struggling with porn her testimony is powerful and really what she's sharing is that for a girl struggling with pornography the shame and secrecy is overdrive because that makes sense and so boys it is already hard but girls it's even harder ignorance about their body this is really important is that for kids that don't know about their body who are they going to go find out about it from you go so you want to create that conversation early teach your kids about the physicality what we say is use the correct words for it it's breasts it's me John it's penis you know those words having little pet names might be OK when you're really small but really the pet names tend to. Discreate some poorness around it try to be careful with a vulgar sides of it you know and just call it what it is and so ignorance about the body this can turn against you once in a while my wife is up library and there's a lot of good resources for the physicality and my girls are probably 3 or 4 years old and they shouted across the library Mom can you get the book on menstruation. I was so glad I wasn't there I'm an ignorance about body. Ignorance about pleasure we're going to go into your model about this but a lot of parents have never had the conversation about pleasure with their kids knowing that there is pleasure and stuff you know don't lie to your kids for a kid that's that's thinking about marijuana marijuana will feel really good for the kids that are curious about all call call will will feel gross and good at the same time you know so there is pleasure in these negative things the sexuality the hook ups the masturbation all these illicit type things will bring a level of pleasure with them and we'll break that down a little bit more but talk about pleasure for our family I don't know what it is but that justin bieber kid from Canada has resulted in some crazy questions and we don't listen to Justin Bieber but you know kids find out about stuff why does Justin Bieber touch women's breasts that conversation led to a discussion about bodies and pleasure and appropriateness and it was a valuable time but it was a difficult conversation. Overreaction Hi my name's Chuck UNAMA over after all totally give you that. But our kids you know they're afraid that if I if my parents knew what was going on in my life they would ruin it you know they take away everything that I have and send me off to someplace I don't know project patch. And so they're really fearful of sharing and what I have to say is is I don't know the exact thing about this but time and calmness and perspective typically slows that down. And then another thing that helps just when you're dealing with your kids with discipline especially as they get older is have them come up with a solution also say you know I'm not sure how to respond right now I really want to keep you safe I really want to help you stop this behavior but right now I'm having a hard time thinking of ways to do that why don't you spend you know a couple hours thinking about it I will and then that will come back together and in those cases our kids tend to have discipline that would be harsher than what we do and so we have a chance to be a little bit graceful in the same time you know have some have some discipline. We've talked about it already in the 1st seminar but people pleasing fear of disappointed people that ends up being this real poison so a kid that is struggling with pornography that is a people pleaser or try to hide that as much as possible or they'll have a hard time saying no to friends that are showing them images perfectionism what we find is once again in the homes that are the most perfectionistic outwardly the Internet has a huge power of secrecy no one's ever going to find out and it tends to be the place that people spend a lot of time and I think that's part of the reason that you see pastors engage in a high level of pornography statistically is that it's just no 1 all refined out and it's their hidden place of venting the make sense it doesn't make it right but it tends to be tends to be what happens so in the most perfectionistic homes we see the most sexual stuff coming out in title men so this is where people believe that they're owed all the positive things without putting in the effort right I should have what my parents have even though I don't have a job I should have sexual satisfaction even though I haven't done anything to deserve sexual satisfaction those at the time make sense and then probably the saddest is hopelessness you know so for a kid that feels hopeless about their future they will take every single bit of pleasure in the moment that they can and the reason I share these is these are things that all of us probably have some level that in our own lives our kids' lives that we see them struggling with and these are the areas as a parent that we can go on off ounce and really say I want to help you with these things I see this starting in your life if I work arm in your ignorance about pleasure ignorance about your body if we talk about shame if we talk about making mistakes and making it all right to ask for help if we talk about you know perfectionism entitlement you know some of these things if I model those things the likelihood of this seeping into your life and taking over is really low you don't even have to say I'm doing this because of pornography you're just doing it because I want to help you with life you know and so for me this is where parents go off and if we spent most of our time on this list we'd be in really good ground we'd be in really good ground please. You know I'll go through that in just a minute yeah because that is the defense and there are some really simple things we can do on defense but defenses hard but yeah I'll go through that in just just a few minutes here's another thing that we find is that imagine we teach this on the family experience on an actual cliff but have you noticed that if you told a kid be home you're curfews on 11 o'clock what time is your kid going to get home 11 as close to 11 as possible without getting in trouble right have you noticed that with speed limits how fast you drive I drive plus 4. But for some reason that edge makes us rebellious and so if you have in the family our family doesn't lock in the home that's a good rule right but have you noticed that that tends to pull people toward almost permanently but it's not this is an R. rated movie but it's a true story you know and you end up falling off the cliff all the time causing damage to yourself and others and so what we have to say is that rules are great but rules tend to as human nature pull us toward the behavior that we don't want to do and so what we advocate is this idea of what polls us toward safety and to me values are what pulls us toward safety you remember when we were talking earlier that ideas that I will not gain sexual pleasure off of innocence being broken our family protects the innocent our family values purity our family believes in restoration and healing Do you sense that those values would actually pull you away from Prague a fee there's a huge amount of safety for that other thing then is that we establish buffer rules buffer rules imagine if you're at the Grand Canyon and you're running toward the edge of the Grand Canyon what's going to happen before you get to the edge you're going to hit a fence right and on the other fence there's a little bit of land on the other side right so if you're apt the fence are you safe. If you crawl over the fence and stand on the other side does that mean you've fallen off but your heart should be beating faster right because you've crossed a safety point and so what we really talk to families is what are some of the buffers that would let you know that you're nearing danger you know for our family we don't watch any movie until we've gone on to. Focus on the family has a website called plugged in and plugged in is just a quick way to read about what the movie is about what the story is about and so it gives us a chance to to say you know is this something that we want to get into our minds and so we won't watch and tell we've we've read that and so and the other thing is that we don't watch movies unless both my wife and I agree on it you know so that's a buffer does that mean that we've crossed some sort of line I mean that we've are immoral if we ever break there no but our heart should be racing a little bit more you know politically it was interesting because vice president pence got hammered on just about a couple months ago because of some buffer rules that he has he had said that he won't drink alcohol less He's with his wife you remember that anyone remember that and everyone's like that's the dumbest thing he also said he won't go out to eat with with a female staffer alone and so everyone just hammered him for that why would you do that you know and for him to drink without his wife does that mean he's out doing problems no but what he recognizes that that puts him on more dangerous ground and so what I'll say is that whenever you establish the bar for real you'll probably get criticized by other people for it it just doesn't make sense to them why would you do that and a lot of times it's because they feel kind of some condemnation for him and so I say just establish your buffer rules whatever they are keep them solid to yourself but really keep them because you need a wake up call and so I've got buffer rules for my wife and I to protect our relationship we've got things having to do with our entertainment when I travel I have rules about the T.V. and how I respond to the T.V.. Turning on the T.V. is that bad for me no but I'm never going to just flip through channels you know if I know something and I know the channel goes straight to that if I want to watch like a basketball game but I don't do I don't do anything else is that's just my way of making sure I'm extra stuff that I'm not on dangerous ground so less about rules more about values in and buffer rules teach in the context of relationships this is all a relationship world that we're in Hey what time are we have 7 minutes. Sorry guys I could use hours here. OK so really quick this is a talk about pleasure that I like to do with kids how many of you love carob how many of you. Don't necessarily care for care of that much why is that. You've had chocolate right you've had chocolate what I thought find really interesting is if I had never had chocolate I'd be like carob is delicious we should have more care but since I've had creamy yummy chocolate it just isn't isn't the same Here's what's interesting is that right now our kids can have carob level pleasure they can have sex with themselves they can have sex with random strangers they can look at images online that will give them a level of care but the problem is that God didn't intend for us to care about. Its chocolate. But the chocolate level of pleasure is a covenanted practiced vulnerable trusting intimate level of pleasure it's not even you know honestly we've made some mistakes by saying virginity and marriage night in the 1st night of marriage is going to be beautiful you don't necessarily get chocolate on your marriage night you know it's vulnerable it's hard it's it's difficult. God intended this thing to be beautiful and it's not necessarily easy but it's fantastic and so this level of chocolate is something that God wants us to have it's a beautiful relationship but sexual It's fantastic here's the thing is that kids can have pleasure right now they can have care but they can't have chocolate the other dangerous thing is that if you've had a lot of care you might not ever get there you could get married you could be all these things but the habits you bring from the terrible level of sexuality interferes with the chocolate interferes with it and so as a. Church and as as parents we have to understand that we're not crude God is not a prude God God is a God of sexual abundance not in the multiple partners but in the sense of this is freedom this is completely you know and completely vulnerable completely loved you know in our kids long for that when you read it in Psalm 103 it says I will satisfy your desires with good things right with good things and God does that God does that but I think with our kids we have to have some of these tough conversations especially as they get older 50 percent of teens would actually change their online behavior if they knew their parents were watching that's pretty encouraging isn't it here's some of the tools Well no question is off base your kids will ask questions like crazy what I say is be patient when they ask questions don't over answer what I say sometimes ask them a few questions to probe exactly what they're asking for before you answer because as we get nervous as parents we can say some of the craziest stuff. And so be careful around that but we tell our our kids dad or mom will always tell you the truth we will always tell you the truth and it's been hard we have a good friend that's a god child of ours that's going through sex change she's becoming a boy. She just got married to a girl does that create hard conversations around our house. But our commitment is that we always tell you the truth we're not going to go on and on and on but we'll tell you the truth and in our kids need to know that some basic foundations Internet in common areas break that idea that what our line is private This is not a private network nothing online is private it's a public network yeah you can do baking in those things securely but don't have an expectation of privacy online. That works hard to see but it's accountability and filters those are the 2 tools that you have right now to answer your question is that filters what a filter does is block certain traffic so if they type in a search word or there's a website coming back to fulfill their search requests that's that is marked as adult content it would block that. That is fairly effective at slowing down their use of it but it's not perfect what we say is accountability is much more useful accountability software is the software that will give you a track record of where they've been and so that's what I use personally it's something that I know all my internet uses is available to my wife it's available if it's work related available to my team there so I have no expectations so accountability is is that way of tracking what they did online the best accountability software the cheapest 1 is accountable to you what that would do is send a record of what you did to your accountability partners and so if your kids phone device whatever is done you get a record of their of their use and that's really useful because you know if they say that they're going to go to Timmy's house after school but they were instead went to John's house with that great trust yeah that great trust in the real world right online world if they said they're going to do this research on spiders but they end up spending all their time on. You Tube or maybe what they weren't doing as pornographic it's still a break of trust you want to build that idea that I use this device for a purpose. Yeah all those each of those come in and eyes triple X. church accountable to you McAfee of those go on all your devices some of them they replace your browser so if you use an i Phone Some of them replace your Safari browser with theirs but it's goes on all your devices and and what I would say is that each 1 of those if you go onto Youtube you'll find a hack for it and so kids would find a hack but once again if you have accountability software and you go check their record and you know they've been online for 4 hours and there's no record of it. That's a problem that's a problem please yeah. You know I'm still not ready to say circle by Disney I've heard some good results from it you like it so circled by Disney is really promising because it does a lot of the accountability and filtering and you can control timing on stuff you know. I do a question that I asked most of the kids that come into our youth ranch how many of you knew your neighbors logons for their wife by. Majority of kids that come to project patch had neighbors logon. And so that's the problem that we run into is that we could have the best devices and so what I say is maybe combine some of them is a circle is fantastic because that's a hardware device at home but having something else that actually provides a device level is helpful too but all of these can be broken I'm sorry guys I'm going to race through to finish up our slides right here require passwords especially for we'll talk about social media but require all their passwords for devices monitor their activity and so that really gets down to that accountability what are they doing what are they doing online having some rules for where phones go is huge and so what we really advocate is that all the phones come into the parents' room at night 8 o'clock or so whatever time you establish charging stations are in parents or what we tell parents and kids is a stupid comes out at night. You know and so we just want to we want to ease that and then retain ownership rights every year in November I write a blog post update it for single parents this is 1 of the hardest things is that you have a kid and a divorce situation your X. buys them all these devices they bring it into their house they're like Dad got this for me I own it or the kids say I bought it it's mine if it's in the house you still have ownership rights about it. So retain your ownership rights that's going to be painful urine and hard conversations but own it really quickly 1 of the things that I just I'm really excited about his recovery programs I give you a sample in the if you sign up for the information from a guy named Matt Dobbs shoots porn free radio he's got both a month plan as well as a 6 day plan and they follow roughly the same idea and so what it is is that every month or every week you're coming up with a weak specific plan on recovery and 1 of the things that I really say is that focus on positive what's driving do you toward safety you remember that idea is that when you're really little you're motivated by external threats but over time you're motivated by internal threats what is it that's driving you toward safety what values are are there what relationship things are pursuing and so really identifying that strong why 2nd is focus on recovery over abstinence. Abstinence is a result of recovery OK so you can have someone an abstinence that's white knuckling it but they're not necessarily recovering or getting solutions to do what's driving them toward it I also in especially in talks with kids aside I don't talk that much about virginity virginity is 1 of those things that people think is an off switch so soon as I lose my virginity what happens I can go nuts right and so what we say is the focus on abstinence and recovery over abstinence The other thing that I think the Catholic Church has really good is that they have virtues virtues are things that you pursue over a lifetime and 1 of their virtues is chastity chastity is a word we don't use a whole lot of chastity looks different whether you're married or single if I am a man that's married I still pursue chastity that means I'm still pursuing the value of intimacy with my wife purity in my thoughts things that I'm engaging with if you make a mistake and why can you still pursue truth. So if you make a mistake and chastity can you still pursue chastity but the problem is if you make a mistake and virginity and you pursue virginity No it really is a mixed up thing and so what we say is recovery over abstinence increase resistance so this is where the filters really help this is where not having your phones nearby really helps having the breaks from those things I go to Home Depot and I've bought so many candy bars as I leave home depot. And it's mostly because my resistance is worn down at that point and it's so easy to get to and so what we say is put it out of reach just make it harder to get to remember our frontal lobes for us as adults is about 3 seconds during gauge for kids maybe 10 seconds during gauge the slumber we can have between our impulsive thought and being able to fulfill the better the better we are fight edging edging behaviors or things that might be innocent but start turning kids on and so let's just say they're on youtube and they watch something that's interesting like a surf idio but that moves them to a swimsuit video that moves them to whatever the edging behavior is stuff that is just titillating does that make sense or slightly on the sexual side breaking it and stopping it out the edging is much easier than stopping it at that point of already being turned on ad friction to your life Number 4 this is probably 1 of the most powerful things as pursue your worst fears is that most kids that are engaged adults included are most worst fears being found out being discovered fear of rejection fear of the hurt and so what we say is that most kids are feeling like if I am secret and I keep it to myself I'll be safe if I tell then I'm going to get hurt you need to hand out. If I tell them I'm going to be hurt so they go to secrecy so here's the thing is that our impulses to self protect but the actual freedom is found and vulnerability is found and trust in all those things I really hate telling you guys that I have a history of I hate doing that but the reason I do it is because it adds to freedom it adds to my recovery it adds to your ability to understand that it's possible and so if I'm living in my fears I'm in isolation and actually causes more of it and so that's a real struggle having an environment in which people can express their fears connect with someone that's safe really important whenever a kid confesses something that's really fearful make sure you understand that they've done something really scary in doing that and that in that admission development work a plan and so this is either the 6 step 6 day or the or the month long clam every month for each month every month is different so for your kids right now that are transitioning from a school year to a summer there their recovery plan is going to look different is going to look much different for me knowing that there are seasons in which I'm home a lot and then there are seasons and I'm traveling a lot my recovery plan takes that into account I do planning around that it's not just something that happened to me it's something that I do planning around you need a personal Why what is it that's driving at this month or this week and that can change you know you can have a series of stuff but this is a why am I committing this month through the pursuing those this period. Understanding that there's roadblocks you know what are the some of the roadblocks that I might have for a kid that says oh I want to go over to grandpa and grandma house for a month this summer or a week this summer and grandpa and grandma haven't figured out that their T.V.'s got access to channels that are inappropriate so or that their Internet's knots not protected so you know having a plan around that OK I want to leave my phone at home or I'm going to you know do something something different consequences and rewards we're pretty good about giving ourselves consequences but it's also saying you know what do you give for yourself or reward when you're positive so consequences can be something that just brings it back to mind that that is what it is it's getting your brain thinking at that moment of making those decisions active commitments these are the things that I want to do there's a great piece of software called our tribe Our And then a line tribe it's online a way of building accountability group so it could be every day I'm going to check in on our tribe I'm going to read this book this month someone listen to these pod casts you know so these are the things and he actually put it on the calendar so you know that you're following it it's not just a wish it's actually a plan that you're putting into place I'm sure the plan with accountability partners so the best laid plans if you're doing it in isolation black power and so you give a copy to someone else saying this is what I'm doing this month you know let's So if we have conversations you can you can ask me about it. Track it and so what we say is our tribe actually does it for people so their days that they act out it all have a way of documenting when why asks a series of questions on Victory days it's just shows that as a positive day it's kind of a diary function but for people that do it old school a simple calendar really works for that hour my day is going and then really the most exciting thing is renewing your minds Romans 122 says what do not conform to this pattern of this world but be transformed by the ruling of your minds renewing of your minds you know and to me I've seen that possible there's a verse right here that I'd like us to close on Philippians 48 says summing it up friends I say that you do best by filling your minds and meditating on the truth on things true noble reputable authentic compelling gracious The best not the worst the beautiful not the ugly things to praise not things to curse. And what I find about this is that most of us say That's a beautiful verse but few of us practice this there are kids that are laying in bed with their thought life just swirling around them saying Can I just get to bed or can I get to bed and images are flying at them and what this is says is filling your minds and we get that part right but meditating on things that are true things that are noble things that are and so what I've actually done on my phone on my Evernote is I've got Chuck's brain helpers and I use this tool I've got it in a P.D.F. document that's in the same stuff that all email to you in the resources but what I have kids do and parents is each 1 of these words true noble reputable Whatever your own definition for it how do you define something as true what are some movies books T.V.'s that you've seen that are really easily graspable for you does that make sense easily easily reachable So if your mind is under attack you can get to this thought really easy what are some examples that I've personally had of what are some nature activities in the example I gave you there is also spiritual you know what are some spiritual verses or examples from that and then some other things so for each 1 of these words you come up with your own list and what's awesome about that is when your brain's under attack you grab that word and what's a lot of teens resonate with is 1 of the ones that after pure is snowboarding down a perfectly white mountain no other tracks and you just have them visualize going down that mountain and getting up and going again the same praise God that was awesome and doing it again and again and again until there is sleep and freedom this works why does it work is Biblical truth God knows that our brains are under attack and he doesn't just say stop it he says fill it. Fella meditate on things that are and he's surrounded us by things that are these ways we just need to be able to access I'm a father we just thank you for this time together we thank you for the hope that you place in our hearts hope to connect and Father thank you for your promises that you'll. That you'll fill our lives with good things that it's not just Satan stealing killing in the strong but you're a god of abundance a god of joy a god of healing that takes our sins and and separates them from us and heals us and restores us Father we just pray for the families here we pray for the kids especially the kids minds that are being sidetracked a father just protect them physically emotionally mentally and more than that give us wisdom as as we lead them into your kingdom your name in. This media was brought to you by. A website dedicated to spreading God's word through free sermon audio and much more if you would like to know more about. If you would like to listen to more sermon. 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