2021 Maryland Men of Faith Conference: No Fear

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Maryland Men of Faith

Torben Bergland

Attachment, Living Without Fear in Relationships

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I was told to introduce myself briefly for the recording, so my name is Torben Berglund.

I worked clinically for many years, well, not that many years, but for a good amount of time in Norway before I started working for the church in 2015.

And now I am in the Health Ministries Department of the General Conference, and my focus area is mental health.

And I think, as I said earlier, I often spoke about this topic before while I was in Europe.

For some reason there has been demand for other kinds of topics, but I really, when I heard the theme for this weekend, I thought, well, this is an opportunity to talk about this, again, about attachment.

And I had, this is the first time I've been speaking to an all-male audience.

So that's a bit curious how that would be.

We had a problem in the first session, is that people asked too many questions and there was too much engagement.

In other words, I didn't get through my stuff, almost.

Someone said that I ought to do the presentation, go through everything, and then we can have a discussion.

So if you have questions, please take a mental note of them, and I'm happy to discuss it afterwards.

I have this problem that I'm actually a very shy person.

And when I was in school, almost in my grade books, the teacher always would write that Torben could speak more, Torben is very quiet.

And I was always struggling and challenged and fear always when I was doing, like Initially when I was starting doing Sabba school and talks, I would run out of something to say.

Now that I've been working for the church a few years, I'm starting to have the opposite problem that I have too much to say.

I'm doing the same presentation and it just takes longer and longer to do.

So I hope we'll get through this and I hope it will be relevant.

It definitely seemed like it was relevant and people could connect with it in this morning presentation.

Let's just have a word of prayer and then we'll get into it.

Dear Lord, we thank you that we can be together here today, talk about things that are important in order to how can we be good men, how can we be men who mirror your image in this world.

And Lord, we pray that you will help us, guide us, educate us as we talk about this.

We may be in different places, we may have different kinds of challenges, but please may your spirit apply whatever is being shared today to our own lives and our own hearts as we need it.

I have, as I say, I changed the title a bit from what was announced, and that is in acknowledging that fear is something we all live with, and fear is appropriate in this world.

It's a threatening place at times, both to our physical, mental and social well-being and also our spiritual well-being.

So the fear response is natural, it is healthy, it is appropriate.

The problem is when fear is applied to things we should not be afraid of, or in situations where we should not be fearful.

And that is the challenge with this topic that we're going to talk about.

Attachment really is how do we form close emotional bonds to other people.

But the challenge is that we are dysfunctional.

Each and every 1 of us is on some level, in some area, somewhat dysfunctional.

And we are relating to other people who are dysfunctional.

We're not saying that people are bad, we're not saying that they're sick, but we are all broken on some level, and that makes it a challenge when we are trying to cultivate the good things between us, also because our brokenness can get in the way of it.

And that's very much what attachment theory is trying to explain.

How do we manage our wounds, our impulses, our tendencies to do certain things in response and interaction with other people.

And for me, this is very personally meaningful, myself, and that's 1 of the reasons why it's a favorite topic to present on.

It's a very nice to present on because it's usually a very popular topic.

People listen, people connect, engage in it.

But also in my own life, this has been very important, also to try to understand more about in my own patterns, and how I relate to other people, how I connect with other people.

And professionally, as a psychiatrist, it's been super important, because so much of what people struggle with are relationship issues, past or present issues that people struggle with.

So that's some of the background for this.

The question initially, sort of closeness, how do we deal with closeness?

I think all of us probably, sort of, like our initial response, like closeness is something good, closeness is something we want.

But for some of us it may trigger things also, it may be challenging.

We have this term like someone gets too close, that's something uncomfortable about that.

And For some of us it can be like, when does it become too close?

When do we actually become stressed when someone comes close?

Or when do we become stressed when someone is not close enough, when there's too much distance?

And this is basically where we are very much struggling and we may be in very different places as how we relate to other people.

So that's basically what we're trying to look a bit deeper into.

Just some, the ad, this is a picture from the Vigeland Park in Oslo in Norway.

If you ever go to Norway, you should visit that park.

It's an amazing place, these granite, huge granite figures that have been carved out by 1 carver.

And it's an amazing study of human nature and what it means to be a human.

So if you ever go there, make sure you take time for that in Oslo.

I find it interesting, and I'm no theologian, but still we meet this, encounter this in the very beginning of the biblical story, that the challenge of loneliness, of distance, of closeness is already mentioned.

Even before sin has entered the world, God makes this statement, it's not good for man to be alone and I will make him a helper suitable to him.

This is a statement about the very basic fundamental thing in our nature as human beings, not just men but also women.

We are deeply in need of connectedness with others.

And I think this is what I find, this is in the Garden of Eden, before sin has entered, creation is perfect.

It's a much better world than the 1 most of us live in.

And Adam, he's walking with God, he's having a close and intimate connection with God that is sort of beyond, I think, what any 1 of us probably experience in like walking face and being face to face with God.

But I think this statement also indicates that it's not enough to just have God.

And that's where I think we sometimes go wrong in what we communicate as Christians.

Also, if you just have God, if the connection with God is good, then you will not have all your other needs, secondary, you won't struggle the same way.

I think it's so important, direct knowledge, we are not only need the connection with God, the closeness with God, we absolutely, each and every 1 of us, need this close intimate connection with other people.

And I think that's why God gave us marriage, which is sort of, by design, 1 of the best places we can have that closeness.

But if we don't have it in marriage, we need it somewhere else.

And that is what attachment theory really is.

It's a secular theory, it's a secular psychological theory, it's not sort of derived from Christian principles, but I find it's really in harmony with how we understand what human nature is and what we're created for, according to our biblical perspective.

Another quote, and this guy was not an Adventist, he was a vegan, but he's 1 of the hippie forefathers in a way, living under the Hollywood sign in LA, Idna Bez, that was his sort of artist name, he had several, took several names along to his life, but he wrote the lyrics and this song called Nature Boy in 1947.

I don't know if you heard, do you know the song?

It's been quite popular, been recorded by many since, and it ends with this phrase and this statement that the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

I don't know if there was any Christian inspiration in this, but I find this very much in harmony with Christian, our perspective of who we are as people.

But what I think this adds in a way which we sometimes don't recognize sufficiently is the second part of it, that learning how to be loved.

And that's also where attachment theory comes in and explains something about why that can be a challenge for us and why we can struggle with that.

I will show you a short clip from a movie.

It's a movie that came out I think in 2012 called The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

When you see the movie, It's a story about these high school kids.

It's a high school love story with all the complications that can be.

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Attachment, Living Without Fear in Relationships

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