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Advent HOPE Sabbath School

Phil Mills: Dating and Courtship for a Happy Marriage

Phil Mills

Preparing for Courtship

It was just 2 months ago, I guess I need to speak here into the mic, don't I?

And residents rotate through my office practice at Wichita, And a Hindu internal medicine resident was spending some time with me and I was getting acquainted with her.

And as we sat down to get acquainted I asked her if she was married and you know the usual questions that you're asked is to get acquainted, have children, those sorts of things.

And so she told me she was married to an engineer and I asked her how she had married him, how she had met him.

And she told me a very interesting story.

She was kind of reluctant at first, but I encouraged her to just share it with me.

Well, she said she lived in another country, and her husband she had not met, his parents also lived in His parents also lived in that country where she lived and he was living in Wichita.

And His parents put an advertisement in 1 of the Hindu papers and her parents read the advertisement, responded, and the parents of the fellow liked the parents, they met her, and decided there would be a marriage.

And so he flew back and she met him 3 days before the wedding while they were preparing for the final part of the wedding.

I asked her if that's what she was going to do for her children and she said, well it worked for her.

You know that sounds strange to our ears here in this country but the fact of the matter is, until about 200-230 years ago, that was a typical type of courtship.

Parents would choose the spouse for the children, they wouldn't think too much about it.

And then the Romantic period came, and there was a change.

With the Romantic period, you have the Romantic art, the Romantic literature, the Romantic music, and also Romantic courtship.

Now, instead of parents choosing for children, the parents need to get out of the way and the children choose for themselves.

I remember an article I read in the Review and Herald while I was a teenager.

It told about the best time of your life, courtship, and then after that you have the dreary years of adulthood.

Generations now have grown up with this kind of idea of courtship.

But in my generation, the romantic period is ending.

When I was just starting my practice in Wichita, if 2 couples were living together, they basically didn't admit it.

If they did, they were kind of embarrassed.

But now, 23 years later, There's not even a hint of embarrassment or hesitation, no this isn't my wife, or this isn't my husband.

And I believe an article in Wall Street Journal 2 weeks ago announced that the romantic period just ended.

This was the Wall Street Journal 11-17-2004, Key to a lasting marriage, combat.

This is what it said, I'm just giving you some helpful quotes here.

Growing body of research suggests there is no such thing as a compatible couple.

All couples tend to argue about the same things.

Their recommendation is schedule weekly arguments.

I don't know if they're good weekly, why not do them more than that?

And to prepare for courtship, the recommendation is give instruction in fighting.

Yes just as the romantic period of literature and art passed, it appears that the romantic period of courtship is ending, people are giving up on marriage, denying that compatible couples exist, the age of romance is gone, we've entered the age of despair.

The experts conclude the key to a lasting marriage, combat.

Truly they prove the truth of Isaiah's observation the way of peace they know not.

Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain that build it.

It won't come out right, it just can't come out right.

I remember when I was here at Loma Linda, I had the opportunity to be involved with a study group on God's plan in courtship and marriage.

There were about 90 of us, and I had the privilege of leading that group for 4 weeks, every Friday night.

For an hour and a half, we'd look at what the Bible and the Spirit of prophecy said on courtship.

And I found that what God said was just about the opposite of anything I'd ever heard before.

I found that God's plans are not our plans, His thoughts not our thoughts, but I decided that whatever else I would do I would follow what the Word of God said.

For better or for worse I would build my life around God's directions, and I'm so thankful that that's what happened.

I believe that 2 Chronicles 20 has the secret of dating that will lead to successful marriages.

And that is, believe in the Lord your God, so shall you be established, believe his prophets, so shall you prosper.

This is the formula to prospering not only in marriage, but in all of life.

Since we want to prosper this seminar, we want to build this seminar around God's Word and God's inspired instruction, the Bible and the Spirit of Prophecy.

And I would encourage each of you to build your lives around those inspired pieces of instruction unless you want to try the other system, build your life around the happy marriage combat.

I hope you will find that it points you in directions that are helpful.

And then tomorrow you'll get the syllabus which will contain the material that we cover here tonight and tomorrow.

Now marriage has been said, it comes from God, and it's 1 of only How many institutions from still relics from from Eden too.

I don't know exactly what went through Adam's mind as he watched God make the various animals, But as they got closer and closer to looking like someone for him, he got more excited.

He didn't say, well, maybe it's 1 of these And finally, God brushed his coat off and he said, Well Adam, we're done.

And Adam, I'm sure, was a little bit disappointed.

He had been thinking, maybe God is going to surprise somebody for me, because he noticed that God made them 2 by 2 for everyone else.

And so God says, you've worked hard, why don't you just take a nap, I'm going to straighten up some other things.

Adam went to sleep and when he woke up, there was Eve.

Adam learned that God provides for our needs.

The Lord said it's not good for Adam to be alone.

I don't want him to be here all by himself, wandering around.

God says in Psalms, He sets the solitary in families.

Jesus promised His disciples, He said, Assuredly, I say to you, Mark 10, 29, there is no 1 who has left house or brother or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands for my sake and the Gospels who shall not receive a hundredfold now in this time.

Houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children.

You see, a good wife or a good husband is such a great gift that God reserves it to give himself.

A sensible wife, as the contemporary English version says, is from the Lord.

Many of the blessings which I had at Loma Linda, I suppose if I looked at the greatest blessing that I got here, came out of that study on courtship.

There was a student, and I just found this story out this week, that came, we had about 98 of us that got together every Friday as I told you, And 1 person that came was so excited about the studies that when she was in San Francisco, I'm going to miss the last 1, she took a plane rather than driving so she could come back for the final studies.

We actually looked at courtship each of the weeks.

We looked at something different, but on the final 1, we looked at romantic fever, the contagious disease of the heart, And she came back for that.

That's my wife, but she never told me that story before.

I'm glad to have an opportunity to lead out in such a study again.

The family tie is the closest, the most tender and sacred of any on earth.

It was designed to be a blessing to mankind.

And it was a blessing wherever the marriage covenant is entered into intelligently in the fear of God and with due consideration for its responsibilities.

Proper dating, you see, proper courtship is to help us enter a marriage intelligently, with our eyes wide open, none of this blindness stuff, and obediently preparing to bear the responsibilities of married life.

Now God designed marriage to actually be a triple blessing, a time when Parents give the blessing to their children, the church puts its blessing on the couple, and God gives his blessing and approval to a new home.

Deuteronomy 7.14, you shall be blessed above all peoples.

Deuteronomy 12.7, You shall rejoice in all to which you have put your hand, you and your households, in which the Lord your God has blessed you.

But unfortunately this triple blessing is quite rare.

All You Need is Love

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be an angel sitting on a committee in heaven?

Here's God maybe chairing it or maybe another angel chairing it, but God shows up.

God knows before you say what you're going to say, so why say it?

Or before you say, you say, well, maybe, I don't know, what do you think about this guy?

But he is so unobtrusive that actually he's a joy to be at at a committee.

In fact, it's like he attends our committees.

When we get together 2 or 3, he's there in the midst, He's there in the midst and working with us and helping us.

The angel of the Lord encamps around all those who fear him.

I was listening to this last night as I was going off to sleep.

I have some things on CD, and I put them on MP3 so I can listen to various books in the Bible.

I went to sleep and I said, I've got to start with this this morning.

We all need to understand better than we do the mission of the angel visitants.

It would be well to consider that in all our work we have the cooperation and care of heavenly beings.

Invisible armies of light and power attend the meek and lowly ones who believe and claim the promises of God." Can you imagine the excitement of the angels as they saw Mary and they saw Joseph and the 2 of them hadn't yet met, and in the counsels of heaven they said, you know, I think that would be a really lovely couple.

The angels look over this congregation, those who are single, I wonder who they would match you up with.

We need to understand better than we do the mission of the Angel Visitants.

Excited, happy, bringing the right people together.

I'm thankful they were excited about bringing my wife and myself together here at Loma Linda years ago.

You see, families, it's not just you and a perspective, it's families that get together.

Here in Christmas 2000, you can see Sherry, my wife's parents, my parents, my father's since deceased, her sister and husband, our 3 children, Rachel and Eric, I mean Rachel and Philip and Ruthie.

He has happy plans in mind, if we only would know it.

And work with God, work with the angels in these things.

My son now, 19, and still determined to be asleep socially until the proper time.

He has a little insomnia from time to time.

We give him a little sleeper and then our 15 year old.

I can sense the joy of the angels as they see us develop and grow up.

It must be exciting to work with people, if they're angels, that want to follow the Lord.

How frustrating it must be for those that are assigned to some of us who are a little more difficult.

In every gathering for worship there are more listeners than can be seen with the natural sight.

Sometimes the heavenly intelligences draw aside the curtain which hides the unseen world, that our thoughts may be withdrawn from the hurry and rush of life, to consider that there are unseen witnesses to all we do or say.

A visible world, the curtain that hides it, may be pulled aside and we can see and have the presence of Jesus today.

I wanted to add these 3 slides because as I was walking over these thoughts were in my mind.

And so I looked around for a plug early this morning when we got here.

I saw there was a plug right back up there in the balcony where I could be out of the way not disturbing anybody.

And so I went up there and I plugged in my computer and then realized that that is a plug but there's no power to it.

And you know, today we're here at church, and we would expect to receive power.

We need to be plugged into power, not just form, real power of godliness, don't we?

Would you be willing to just bow your heads and ask the Lord to plug us into his power, not just a form, we're going to church, checking off our duties, but we have the power of the Holy Spirit here.

Father in heaven, we're thankful for this opportunity to be together as a church family.

Pull aside the curtains that hide us from the unseen realities of heaven.

May the heavens be open and we, like the martyr Stephen, see Jesus standing there, looking down, watching us, smiling as we listen to you.

Lord may this change us this morning, we pray in Christ's name, Amen.

Just by a quick way of review, and those of you who are here this afternoon will have a handout that is about 20 pages long and encompasses what we covered last night and we cover this morning.

This afternoon we'll be talking about the actual practice of courtship itself.

We want to last night remember Proverbs 19 verse 2, the 1 who acts hastily makes poor choices.

Marry in haste, you'll have plenty of leisure time to repent.

We looked at first in preparation for dating, we don't despise the opportunities of unmarried ministry.

When we're unmarried, there are many, many opportunities for learning that we have and for ministry.

And we want to take advantage of those as long as we have them.

Then we also looked last night that there is a timing for courtship and God has made everything beautiful in its time.

Sufficient age, as a general rule, starts at approximately 20 years old.

This was the biblical age, as we saw, when a person has sufficient financial resources, sufficient mental development, sufficient physical development to begin to consider dating.

It's a good idea also to date somebody who's at least 20.

By the age of 20 a good direction in life can be be determined.

Before you, before they allow me to buy things on credit, you know what they checked?

By the time of 20 you have sufficient experience to have a history.

And You want to be able to check the history of the people that you're considering for potential life's partners.

You can have a better feel by the time they're 20 what they'll be like at 40.

And after all, it's not just the person you marry at whatever age, you want to know who you're marrying for a long period of time.

The best predictor of the future is the past.

In fact, Ecclesiastes 1.9 says, that which has been is what will be.

So that's why we want to have, we want to date somebody that's old enough, we want to be old enough so that we have the same history.

Before we seek a life's partner, we must evaluate what type of life's partner we will be.

Do I understand the responsibilities involved in marriage and in possible parenting?

I meet singles and they always have their list.

I'll ask them, what is it that you want in a married partner?

And they always give me their list of what they want.

Have you made up a list of the requirements for yourself?

Our first concern ought to be Not what am I going to get, but what am I able to give.

When I was a teen, the Beatles had a song, All you need is love.

You couldn't go through teenage years and not hear that blaring from some place or other while the Beatles were telling a lie by telling the truth.

But what is love and have we learned to love?

Luke 16, 12 says, If you have not been faithful in that which is another man's, who shall give you that which is your own?" So we have some questions here as we thoughtfully review how we've been as a family member in our own home, because it is our home that prepares us for a home of our own.

If you want to do well in college, the best thing to do is flunk out of high school because you know, they don't know what they're doing anyway, so you get on to college.

Now, the best preparation for college is what?

And the best preparation for graduate school is studying hard in college.

Courtship Question and Answer

Does anyone have any questions right now that you'd like to ask Dr.

All right, there is a request right now to hear the rest of the story.

I was actually, I waited for 2 or 3 months.

My future wife of course then didn't know.

We were active in activity like Advent Hope, except at that time it was the Campus Hill Sabbath School class.

And we had about 200 coming, and so we had various activities.

I actually met her at prayer meeting there at Campus Hill.

And I was, I waited till around March, after December my dad had come in and we had actually gone out to their home.

My dad gave a special seminar for where her parents worked.

She didn't understand why we were so willing to go out.

We stayed with the family so we were able to take a good look at the family, saw it was a good match.

And that's after meeting the family, my dad says, you know, that this is a good girl.

So several months went by and I was actually at a seminar, a weekend seminar away from here, that I called her parents to get their permission to date her with the possibility that sometime it might lead to marriage.

But I already knew her quite well, so this was a serious request, a serious intent to see if this was somebody that God was bringing together with our lives together, our families.

She went then to Boston for a year and I felt that if she was going to enjoy and wanted a career, she should have the opportunity to find out if that's really what she wanted, because I didn't picture in our relationship that a wife that was called to work with me would be in a career position.

There's nothing wrong with that, it's just that wasn't what I felt God wanted for me.

We had an opportunity to develop a part and I got well acquainted with the postman And I learned how much telephone bills can be.

I learned something about how God communicates with us.

I didn't really care so much about the personality of the postman.

And I'd study those letters to see what her character was like.

It says, study the character of the 1 that you want to link up their last destiny.

So I studied what is character and how can you study it.

And it was a very important study for me in learning about my own character.

And ultimately, it was sort of with reluctance, I have to say, not from my part, but from her parents' part to give permission for marriage.

They wanted to be thoroughly satisfied that this young stripling was good enough to be married to their daughter.

And In fact, in retrospect, if I were the parents, I probably wouldn't have given them permission to marry somebody like me.

And I remember that she came back the last month before we were to be married.

She came back and we got engaged over the phone, it's quite romantic.

She, as I was on the pediatrics rotation, And I would tell them every day, it's so many days before Sherry will be coming.

And they didn't ask me, well you told us that yesterday, why are you telling us that today?

You know, today I talk about Jesus is coming soon.

They don't say, oh, he's a fanatic, I hope.

I hope they say, oh, he's in love, wants to see Jesus come.

But Sherry came and we were married in the Hill church and lived happily ever after.

I am thankful for how God guides us from prayer meeting to marriage.

I think that prayer meeting is a good place to meet a prospective life's partner.

I think Advent Hope is a good place to meet a prospective life's partner.

Anything from the presentations yesterday and today that you'd like to ask while you're thinking.

Some of my like to ask some questions, But they're afraid that will give them away themselves away.

I have a friend that wanted to know that that's fine.

You're thinking about who you're going to end up with.

Series

Phil Mills: Dating and Courtship for a Happy Marriage

Courtship Question and Answer

Transcript

Parent Series

Sponsor

Recorded

Dating Isn't For Cowards

Dating Isn’t For Cowards- Part 2

51m

Things I Wish I Learned in My 20s

06 Things I Wish I Learned in My 20s

59m

Phil Mills: Dating and Courtship for a Happy Marriage

Preparing for Courtship

57m

MTYC 2010 Breakout Seminar - Relationship

Unequally Yoked Together

55m

Two Peas In a Pod

Part 2: Steps To a Godly Marriage

1h

Plenary Meetings

Daniel’s Work -- and Yours

38m

Dane Griffin: SWYC 2005 Practical Christianity Seminar

Practical Christianity Seminar, Part 2

56m

Phil Mills, Sr: Thinking About Relationships

Will He/She Bring You Happiness?

1h

Phil Mills Sr., Israel Ramos, and Judy Ramos ~ Date of Destiny: Finding and Keeping Your Love

Ingredients of Happiness

59m

Marriage and the Home- Part 2

49m

Courtship Decisions

1h

How to Find a Life Partner Who Will Increase Your Usefulness In Service

1h 21m

Sound Doctrine