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Romance, Courtship, and Marriage

Alan Parker Nicole Parker

Conference

Recorded

  • December 20, 2007
    2:30 PM
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father we want to thank you this this is very close to your heart right in the garden of Eden you you send out marriage is one of those defining institutions that he decided for humanity and now the demo is aiming to attack that very institution he has mixed us up so much that we forgotten what it needs to experience true love so be with us this afternoon help us to understand more off what it takes to have love and what it takes to give love we pray this in Jesus nine and where I was dealing with romance courtship and marriage so we go to take a look at a number of different things you know the first is what I might hold and eighteen paradigm and its anal most people are into the dating paradigm these days which is how you go about finding the veterinary well you date around us and asked if I was six or twenty five or twenty six you discover one that's the one for you and raise you happen to get a divorce and in your local lover again so that they can paradigm action a serial mentality way when you move from one relationship to the next you busy you are connecting with one person but it doesn't really work out a way irritates you what I think they knows and so you move on to the next person and then they do something else and when they don't quite match up to your expectations you move on to the next person and so does the concept of dating moving from one person to the next is prevalent in our society today and so you can see in this magazine here and I have to I really had to look hard for magazine and I connect to put up on the screen it was challenging that you know you can see the ultimate thrill for you and you'll get hi this is a ladies magazine but it's got this idea you know what's it about it's about the way Elizabeth dating in a you know what Hamid positions can you get into an and how do you how do you connect with your partner so the dating paradigm is all about the thrill of the relationships that's where Hollywood is that you gone watch Hollywood movies you'll see the same scenario plays out again and again to be able to have a fight they hate each other being they get attracted to each other that make up these saws and fireworks that's why they may end up connecting with each other will they married and that's when the movie ends and you assume it's happily ever after but generally it's not at least if you look at the Hollywood's lives of the people in Hollywood so we recognize that this is not God 's paradigm we should have a society today that remains intimacy according to Margaret gives people are increasingly busy we become a society where we expect things instantly and don't want to spend the time it takes them real intimacy with another person so we expect instantaneous intimacy now this even happens in our relationship with God we think if we go into a worship service we may not have had a connection with God over the whole week but have we set there and the music is just right and they can build up our emotions we can have an instantaneous intimacy with God you know what I'm talking about money we create this feeling up if I can just if I could just be the right music in the right mood I will have this instantaneous intimacy I have this connection with God and we use that in our relationship still we don't want to have to wait on intimacy we want to be able to hold hands tomorrow or you don't will hold hands today out ask you out tomorrow and so we want to have an instantaneous connection with intimacy because we are a society that isolated and divided since six all high in the longing is what's happening in nineteen fifty just over ten percent of households with one person households a single person that has now grown to over twenty five percent so less and less people are actually moving the families of getting married or their divorce the number of calls confidence that people have in nineteen eighty five it was three in two thousand and six it was to those who have no cause confident knowing that they can connect with nineteen ninety five with ten percent two thousand six and moved up to twenty percent we are becoming a society that isolated a society that's not connected I argue following with a week this is why we have this desperate desire for intimacy we are lonely you know you can look around look at the person next to you that love me or at least you got a good chance and we you know we can't do anything we don't do laundry but what happens after Gbytes Seagate GUI seatpost posted CYC syndrome all I and you and you you you get with your family and that's all you have you know it and you go through this loneliness this depression YUV braced post G Y C syndrome is so there is as long as it takes place in order to to get help over a loneliness when we do we try and have any media connection with another person we want to solve it right away so that same today as you know what just follow your hearts and you and that you know you get together you go to somebody and he's already thinking about this relationship and I know that's the right thing and they don't just follow your heart you know sounds great do not just you no one else can make this decision for you going to just follow your heart while anything either that's more Hollywood calculated as biblical account and what was said that because this is what the Bible says about the heart Jeremias in the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked who can know and I'll do not even know your own hot I remember my brother he was eighteen at the time I was fourteen ten home one day with a smile all over his face you just ask a girl to go out with him so I was curious and I was fourteenth I think it all right Roland can you tell me how you know it's true love he looked at me since you just know that you hate advances so I can not around that's only one piece is often the high notes to lucky I would die for this I would I would go I would be run on the bike frame store member that if I had to for this woman that relationship lasted one week at sea we don't even know all the hot so we think laugh I just I have these great theories and and following my heart out do right and the reality of our hearts are sicko laymen what you feel today in other fields marked how many of you not now be just a great holiday view have felt strong feelings for another person and those feelings change almost everybody well so don't just follow your heart so why our relationship such a mace what's the coolest you don't give a founding interrelationship and you just argue with that person and entity that being a miss it's complicated this conflict what's the cause of that conflict that complication the extent of James chapter four and get a read from those wanting ship before members get a right out of the Bible James at the foreign reading from those one it seems from Wentzel from when it comes to war and fighting them on your nose whistle this relationship conflict coming from James if his tongue is not even of you are one live slowly so I is that so a Bedouin philosophy then war in your members you desire the sincere and you have not you kill and desire to have and you cannot attain you find an war and you have not because you ask another with you writing about it raises those who do ask and was rebuilt to do great I don't receive why because they ask a mess that they can't consume it upon their own lusts or desires he says don't you know it was for you and Delta roots and adulteresses why not that interested to it by the way it has been a breach that one seven you would doubt rose know you're not that friendship of the world is enmity with God whoever is afraid of the world is an enemy of God is his power the reason why relationships are missed when you think it is selfishness selfishness you want to spend things on ourselves one of the undesired when we get into relationships is not because you love the other was because of how it makes you feel so we get into relations with a man when I'm with you I feel like a million dollars and when I'm not with you I can think about anything else so what's it about is about another was about me it's about me it's about my desires I want to spend time with its weekly codependency I can't live without you baby you know that the kind of songs he hits it off I guess they wrapped in these days that is the same thing downloading it a try that at some site you know you and it was they were with a man I want to be with you I need to meet with you visit about it's about us the hate is some seeds overlong mirror topless it can you guys just shift Daniel Elders of our youth with together not too much together him racing in to the sand if you got some seats available in the Senate just kind of leave then and that will help open up spaces on the side and on that with some of the back and sit down such disgrace to get an ounce of each of those laps that by all means come together all right so why are relationships in such a mess because we are in the relationship for us out and not for the other person is to pass there is last and there is left and you might say all you and I I I love the other person but we really want to examine and I carried you to listen to the previous leaks online if you wish you about what less this is a few seats over on the site please come on and so what will you know if you think about women this is less the left what's really going on here you'll is your heart in this for the other person or for yourself SCS how it works the last path begins with the tingles you know what I mean by the tingles now know most of us go through the tingles even if I know and list you have disconnected your almost from your body you are likely at some stage to experience the tingles I experienced when I was when I first met my wife I was at a potluck lunch and I turned around to write the same time she was leaning forward to hear what I was to say and who puts Sharon touched my shoulder and I discussed the effects you know what all is said and she we never said a word to each other that she felt the same thing and thought was hasn't been that long since I touched the gas is so on I think it's visiting all those feelings that's like wow you know the chemistry the connection being able to feel something when you see and so we experience the tingles this is not uncommon anybody that's no dates everybody that you experience the tingles with I have had singles for real losers in on you I and I'm not people that I think this is that while how do you know that I just feel what I feel in my book they walked into the room and I let facts get obvious that this the Symphony begins the play as they walked into the room and a Shiite with these connections I know that this is this is a week later it's gone what happened to me I was interested in a golf line Christian young lady I was a theology student and I was interested in how I travel all the way to go see I have to get on the bus this is an Africa that has chickens on it you know in these chicken sitting next to me on the bus that doesn't matter I'm on the way to discover God 's will for my life underneath this young lady so I get just to meet her and she's a nice person responding to know each other and back then I wasn't convicted like Diane about this today but back then I still believe it was okay to go to movies bad mistake so I I spoke to the father and she lives me the pickup truck to go out to watch a drive-in movie and he put the mattress in the back of the pickup truck all I can say is he must've really trusted me so so there we are we know we talked the back of the pickup truck facing the screen we have the matches they were leaning back in August that little six-inch rule between us but we watching this movie the music 's playing I forget what it was free will he will something like that and so watching you watching this this movie had and I'm looking at her it has been these explained I look across it and it's just the romantic atmosphere running I'm looking at Corinth and is like the him well above her head and nine let's just think wow this is incredible and before I know what I'm doing I looked across and I don't will you go out with me and I just say that I look across is that she's sliding back but but in that moment it's like the screen graphics I'm looking tonight and I have reached out and I touched a hand out I recognized she's upon this goldeneye has real rough on going wow what a rough cat that I looking at is it like that everything 's cracked and would like the music stopped playing on with young one of them I done and she goes she doesn't miss that either answers yesterday here when I say I said yes I got that's that's wonderful and the next I had to tell her that I had a horrible site I've gotten caught up in the moments I my feelings I be driving I gone to the movie and then the moment and the feelings are describing I know what I was doing and so I want to encourage you don't just go off the tingles Nokia is what happens if you go the tingles you mean each other you have this chemistry for a moment and then everything else in the dating paradigm tends to go on impressions you get this and you know you used to select and crazy chubby awareness before you spend fifteen minutes in front of them are not he's been an hour and fifteen minutes you know when you when you meet up within your closely enough I looks as a tax when you know you you just aware of yourself it's all on the basis of efficiency lack of what I'm talking about the Army New York so it would be our wood luck and then you start flirting with each other understanding you will you thought fluting you know you saw dropping little comments and you get connected with each other and smile at damage and as you as you so I will looking into their eyes he knew looking like can I get there to heart racing and you want to on hot to write C play this game with HIV contacts that you you you connect within minutes all of flirtatious game and as a homeless fundraising because appointments ahead while we disdain each other and why he wanted to date what's the purpose behind invading its intimacy one we get closer to them you want to build a bond with it as a link that takes to get intimacy and their somewhere along the way maybe Fox explains the physical interaction with each other you do it to get it through a London woman a different order they say woman you have six-figure love and men have left to get to get six and so when you look at that you know the borderline as we are looking to fulfill our own desires it's about how well and we end up with his stride commitments how we view this hate one of me just thank you nice kind of like you been single for a while now I've been single for a while we like each other you're a nice person on a nice person maybe as always we get the idea let's just say it's drying this commitment will see what happens what does that it'll be fun the bottom line is you cannot break somebody's heart saw the whole lading paradigm is working off what gives me a thrill what's the less path is that if this is what is believed to a marriage based on self and selfishness is a marriage of misery I know so many marriages that ended up on the rocks instead of on the rock because they need based on selfishness eventually it all goes back to the beginning the honeymoon phase you discovered that your boyfriend or girlfriend is capable of the same bodily odors as you are the whole unrest is all about in the point where some ego telling this is not happening anymore I just don't feel the same way about you and what you know you meet somebody else and you experience the tingles within I think it is around Boston consequently any as pleasant as I had chemistry with Angelina it you move on to the next relationship that shingles are a dangerous way to base a relationship because it becomes about the thrill no notice this this is from a recent survey two thousand three I think nearly two thirds of Americans between the ages of eighteen and thirty five have experienced a major breakup in the last ten years half of the woman say they initiated the split swears on the event of the mansard apartment dumping that means somebody's lying in the sin of the men say it was mutual whereas only twenty eight percent of the woman said was mutual that means somebody's lying we are going to need to attack in our world today we we have accepted that hey you know relationships with them on other happened and so we should just data doesn't really matter and we've accepted bright caps and is widely bright caps are not God 's idea now you want to be honest with me how do you think of right a number of you was a good thing was amiss it was a mess right I mean you put somebody got hurt of course publicity does the initiating they get off a little better but that somebody's going to get hurt what was the number one reason for a breakup was infidelity woman said it was because they quote through a pox somebody's lying physical and emotional abuse may have twenty five percent of breakups the woman compared to just ten percent of you know what you know is I responsible here that's a frightening statistic a quarter of all relationships that breakup do so because of abuse anyhow we find that it takes six or seven times before a woman is able to leave an abusive relationship you do not want to get into abusive relationships of following God 's method is to say give a tremendous amount of heartache and misery yet you can see what the author for that let's think statistics on failed relationships that works if I could piece of wood anything you have includes two pieces of wood together have you tried to undo those pieces of wood it's pretty difficult learning you get eating she got a knock them apart but if you were to include those piece of wood to get a well you always leave on each side of the wood a piece of the other piece of work now take that same piece of wood which has some thoughts on the other plank of wood and go and glue it to another piece of wood the work in a pot and go go and what to another piece of wood you get a idea how easily is that piece of wood that include in the future is to be done the socket have a solid surface the gluon and the that is what is happening in our relationships we have become attached to another this you always take a piece of that other person with you what happens in your relationship one wonders on the landmines in your relationships look to your past relationships NEC are hot it's because of the way I was treated in my past relationship that I have these problems in the present relationship medicine you cannot overcome that I dated those that in the end it wasn't a good idea and I have breakouts and you today I'm very very happily married and my wife likes being on the floor unites a sign of humility ideas that are noisy she does she does is giving up his seat for someone else or thinking so she see someone connected with we have a great relationship but we have to heal from our past relationships but cannot we continue today we get all or our relationship shifts by dating someone else so before we peeled we find ourselves to somebody else and create a mix so let me know that was the last fortunate spiel with what is food left for love according to address on page fifty four love is a high and holy emotion I defeated your away to know if the high and holy principle altogether different in character from that love which is awakened by in-house she just never use the word tingles for some reason from that love which is awakened by your house and we suddenly dies when severely tested so what when dealing with the act event true love is not just something that how my hogs meeting I just can't wait to meet up with the other was not true that is something that is of a high and holy principle is not a strong fiery impetuous passion that's what Hollywood defines true love S on the contrary it is called an deep in its nature it looks beyond mere externals and is attracted by qualities alone is wise and discriminating and his devotion is real and abiding with true love is based on character and principle and not just from feeling so God 's way is not to be quite different from the way of the well Vanessa Wiegand beginning with now love is transforming and I believe this is what happens with true love love this quote you don't love a woman because she's beautiful but she is beautiful because you love you see it is that love that transforms any of the beauty is in the eyes of the holder it's true I mean sometimes outside I do know what you see an appraisal on him I do not be in your shoes but I recognize that love transforms you when you when you begin to love the person for who they are inside instead of how much they generate fuel home on response being you you have true love and you know what they will become beautiful honeymoon watch that that old Mormon movie about that Johnny lingo in a way out maybe this is the IDX is kind of film and real but I if the whole idea of if you if you love he loves this woman who is not even with iCal according to a father on this on the silent and so he comes to bargain for this inmate will get to counts out of out of this woman and I think it and always he gives us account will be happy ending he offers eight cows and everybody because of that system you'll value is determined by how many cows who has been paid for you I know that system but what happens is because he values it was an eight cow life she ends up being transformed into being a beautiful person an incredible person of the father eventually comes back to Johnny lingo and since you click me she was with Intel started in your Internet but it was because of the way he left the way he left several the Bible says you don't well I'm giving it to you from the CV version love is kind and patient never jealous or boastful proud or root love is selfish and quick-tempered it doesn't keep a record of wrongs that others do love rejoices in the truth but not in evil love is always supportive and loyal helpful and trusting love never fails not honestly folks when you look at updating relationships we don't love that of the person what because I'm not engaging with long as I like to know its kind of like I wanted the marriage vows I think that my wife was telling me about where they had in the marriage vow it was basically I will you I promise to love you until then it was I promise to love you as long as you love me you know it just doesn't work that way so line is right is more important than chemistry so what you looking for is that those carrots and how to connect with emphasis character not just the tingles and how they make you feel to the Bible talks a lot about the two shall become one know what that mean I mean I don't want another person to become exactly like me you know because that what it would mean he got I want to marry myself and I guess that's one option Spain single married yourself but what they really want what is oneness oneness is common beliefs common goals mutual respect intimacy unconditional affectionate and intimate devotion to each other that encourages mutual growth in the image of God the are you getting the idea one this is a commitment to see that other person become like Jesus what this means that ministry is the purpose of marriage so when you think about marriage it should be I need some guys you know guys and girls told about marriage differently we kind of hinted at that on our introductions you know pills feed about this great waiting that the guy running he doesn't care I mean he's there to make it legal kind of thing and so he is not yet the mainstream in a way only when now when you think about the wedding day I mean the guy thought thinking about it when he gets to ask this woman to marry how a house how soon the woman starting to waiting I do know my daughter is forty is all that you thought about getting married finances very young woman think about it from from the side was a light I think about you know what they told about any secret rooms the waiting nights and it's all about the thrills in awe of what can happen in my waiting nights a week and again that that's the next session we had to get to the wedding I believe that events marriage isn't about how this other person can prove you it's about how you can minister to them so they become like Jesus I love woman voices that all right him to get some stages that I never suggest that you go through this phase one years before you get into a relationship prepay yourself know something lodges like I can't wait anymore have to get into a relationship right now not vital to the Bible God makes people white all the time I got the federal unique he tells Abraham 's children have a son and from that son ViewSonic a whole nation how long is it between when Abraham is given that promise and when God fulfills that twenty one twenty four years and twenty five years out to the ultimate performance of twenty four years before he sees the promise begin to be fulfilled and very exciting twenty four years you know if you have a great eye great partner I mean you have a spouse is incredible and and from that marriage is some incredible things but by the way you don't have to wait twenty four years any takers I think we all like waiting but the reality is God makes people whites so I was reading a settlement on the story of Abraham and write a little of the sermon was the subject what you become what you wait is more important what you waiting for him to think God wants to use the waiting period for a reason that's why when God created Adam he made him single to you did you get that I didn't even great out of a need at the same time he wanted Adam to know what it was like to wait for his part because that's singleness was a time of preparation for when he could meet up with her God encourages us to way to prepare yourself read some good books on his great books on marriage marriage on the rock what's up with another one with Larry grabs one anyway Mary Kravitz as a great book on on marriage and some reason read some articles find out about the states to be valid friendships before you get into relationship you need friendships you have likely friendships are important friendships help you to good show before you get into a complicated highly emotional relationship missing when you're a highly emotional relation you need down things and you don't even know why you never take a wife I get so angry when you have friendships outside of their highly emotional relationship you can look through that stuff before the matter of your whole self-esteem in your egos on the line bringing you following us friendships provide the nice place we you can look through who you are indoor against you the reality is if your eighteen nineteenth you don't know who you are at look how you are when you're sixty you're a completely different person so we sit with that with the group this morning that the longer you wait the better your chances on your marriage succeeding so if you marry after the age of twenty five your marriage has a much higher statistical chance of succeeding opposing nares of age of eighteen so every year anyway includes geostatistical chassis that is why God has laid some of you wait as long as you have all right so for instance on this great site where you can develop I'll be honest with you I had to be free and half years when I did not date a single person before I met my wife between a half years and before that I dated an open three and a half years and it didn't work out why I was a moron in those in that relationship I'm united stupid things like you I would get I would get mad and get out of the car and leave it sitting in the car and I would just walk your dog and ion man now and I get up and I will goes childish you know what I'm talking about I had the emotional intelligence of all the snake and so I thought I needed to grow and develop and I needed to do that outside of a complicated relationship so that's developing friendships get to know other people and do it without complicating it with our relationship nothing screamed actually the stage comes away is thought be developing an interest nice as what I think I'll start a fire at least you plan to control the burning you know those who start fires and have no backup plan on e-mail people that that in the closing a lot of damage done plan to start the developing a commitment with another person if you're not going anywhere with it why are you even expressing an interest of the Oedipus the seller will allow the way you go to meet somebody and is the chemistry have to weigh up uses chemistry but this time as we discussed that I don't need to do anything about this chemistry this is a bad idea but there are times when you say no I think that I may want to take as further as someone you knew next to seek God 's will analyzes and Ukraine twice a day pray for times a day the basic idea is you better get on your knees before you start going to the other person we often we before we really think about it so get on your knees you pray about I remember one of the goal identified three half years how did that start because of what I mean civilian you know we would say with great friends we like each other that might be just that sounds like a good thing to do three to half years later after a lot of misery we broken off it's not worth it they get some advice the reality is you are confused when you're left when you're infatuated and I now use it broadly when you're infatuated you can't think straight I you don't have you ever had this I remember one time I had becomes infatuated with the goal and I went to go workout I was on the treadmill and with every move a bit signal I could hear Bonet Sean hay son I was just trying on enough at and so I I couldn't they do not go to sleep at night and I would have I would have these religions although you know and that kind of thing and I just couldn't get her out of my head I was infected on something straight while I should have paid attention to what my friends at seventy don't get involved this is a good idea don't get involved unanimous I couldn't hear it easy because infatuation will not listen to reason and I'm how how many of you know people who updated loses how do you try to talk to them about it what was the response but I love him the others the D'Angelo 's invading business if I gave him I'm doing it because I'll bring them closer to Jesus rise when you're sitting on his lap note the reality is him reality is healing me you need to wake up and end and smell the water we drink and Adventism will also drive I wake up and smell the positive you are doing you if you're looking at the feelings you don't be misled Don's trust your feelings get advice error life gives some questions we get pneumonia will listen Union league mayhem and what will it increase my love for God women and and women increase my sphere of usefulness in this life if she said that these questions are answered positively then she says in the fear of God moved fully but if it is within the context of the fear of God she says the same section make haste slowly you know she's nothing my case she knows that you got them a taste she say do it slowly you know don't rush into it so as you are the safest on rush into it pray about against the advice of our godly people get the advice of your parents at and go about this cautiously don't run into it insightful essays your options carry options aims which means you're going to have to create some space between stop talking about all that intimate emotional stuff another option run for your life is to be a bad idea I and it happened I remember I was up past the chaplain and I was attracted to this a.m. and I got the tingles that says they don't follow the tingles I make this the sun goes the come for waiting and I was attracted to it she was a Pentecostal Christmas tree looking and highly emotional totally different from the article said and yet it was chemistry you know we just looked at each other with long all you and is establishing a wanted I have to do run right eye I now see Brooks is sometimes we don't run from seven we cannot crawl away from it hoping it'll catch up with us and then subtly challenge and if you really got a runaround you know there's some situations Israelites unfolding I got to get out of this this is until I got a get away proceed cautiously this is your third option in getting to know each other you notice I haven't listed a fourth option format the enough date and get married that is not a good idea or H five hundred and deal with some principles for how you can discover the character of the other person because I believe that it's not just about emotions with my characters are how you went about to go about discovering the character of the other person the first principle is easy to communicate and we got to go to each one of these then conflict resolution in Christ likeness and commitment when I thought back on my relationship with my previous girlfriend I realized I really miss that's icing what is currently the most critical things in my new relationship what am I going to look for if I ever find the right person and this is what I came up with I came up with these four principles and they help to guide me to my beautiful wife one of the things is communication my previous girlfriend she she was not a communicators used to say I like an open book that challenges you don't know which page on one but the reality is you want in an open book for me we did not know how to communicate I have found that man and woman on different when it comes to communication I read a great book man alike waffles and woman I like spaghetti non-Catholic then it may compartmentalize you know to have these little catty and him they were connected and present my work box you know what waffles are like the little boxes as I get my work box if I play boxing is my relationship box and they had these little boxes are they just run in between the admin can highly focus as a result they get into one narrow area this link and think about why disturbing a guy when he's watching television together leaving CAU Iraq so they have these little boxes now what I like spaghetti have you ever tried to follow a piece of spaghetti one piece of spaghetti 's real place for you you can because that is forgetting such as analyses of spaghetti with it is another piece of spaghetti so yeah that works I am focused you know I am going to communicate with my needle with my spouse about something and she's highly relational because one day to decide who they bring all more connected than man's social siding relational so we thought I'd mention J I say how's genuine she felt suddenly imagining an interest is yet young at what I'm thinking about Jane Mary has the same problem and she's also humanitarian and she realized that Mary's been attending a Bible study at a Bible study Ms. Webb 's electricity young seven NFL Bible study is also a guy named John and he's been having problems with depression and I just wonder when ideas are going to get done with the question of what we can do about the creation of society and I'm thinking I just wanted to talk about Jay 's results so what happens aboard because it's a relational and we aspect of their life seems to connect to other aspects are you following me here and I'm not saying everything a person I know what a stereotype but as a general rule man and woman came to think differently so what when communicating you have to understand hate this person may actually be close differently from me and I'm expecting him to be you say I'm expecting them to think like I do so in communication you got to develop the capacity of entry into their wealth then Yahweh to get to know them is that what we found is that men like to cave and woman like to talk so when the problem going on Utah and I got a big problem when I get to do the long undergone to my cave I must solve this problem all you have to do is bring food leave it at the title I will come out either through back into my cave and I'm happy if they instead that drives my wife nuts because I want to talk about when you going to okay it feels like you're rejecting me and I like to see my case I need my space now on the other hand when she comes to me with the problem I think she wants me to solve it I will go into my cave figure out the answer and in the X to know if any of the reason why you feel lonely or the reason why the reason why you feel like I'm not caring about you is because you bet a hard time lately you haven't you have been able to to process your feelings and and so you you had some issues going on and just think about avian seat and this is why you have a problem and she's going I don't want to give me a solution I just want to listen because often one like to talk through the issues that's how they result in all your following sinusitis is everyone I'm just saying that understand the differences because God created us differently and I will wire you do differently then look to share without going too fast you know when you are involved in a relationship it's easy to get to it to get down to him VLSI discussing your feelings as we shared with familiar seminar if you go too quickly near Phoenix that will create an intimacy with you guys can handle insults what you like to discuss golf from as we said from facts to opinions and then down to feelings and needs your deep feelings dog gets a lot of your deep feelings in an early stage of the relationship unlike previous boyfriend he made me feel like this and get the real intimate moments in unready for that though your relationship slowly and communication is a great way to find out about each other we mentioned a book earlier that we use when we started getting interested in each other and we finally made that step we said let's find out about each other we got this booklet rarely getting to know your will life me to be really getting to know you like me to be a great book is asked questions like if you look at my presence for your dad what would it be children of my prison for my dad what would it be if we had a handicapped child how would you handle if we were going on vacation they would you go why would you go to suggest a number of neat questions that help us to get to know about each other they often become everything but when we learned in our courting was that if we had a strong enough relationship base basis we knew we could handle anything we could work through anything and a helpless look to a particular situation the reason I noticed that my wife like buying bananas I mean it had a lot of long distance and it never really live in the same place together with time together but somehow bananas and never come out so she goes out and buys bananas for me about this whole nice big bunch of bananas and I thought eating the bananas but I know she doesn't eat the bananas and so I meeting of bananas and then you know the bananas on getting those those little spots on them I just can't stand the big yellow submarine no I'm talking about the photo is sugary and I just can't stand that so I quickly added up the bananas before the spots I just wanted to predominate such easier meeting bananas but because he sees that I like bananas what a loving wife she is she goes out and she buys twice the number of banana so I got when I thought you are eating a banana is an ideal I like bananas that are not side like this many bananas so i.e. the bananas and once again just know that something of those spots almonds I quickly race through the bananas she doesn't need any bananas but she goes out and she buys three times the number of bananas and now how do I can only eat so many bananas how much you visit a communicator met him I think I'm studying these bananas I'm going to have an iPod on second two thousand and is as fast as I can anyways even one banana land and stop getting those spots on and I does not mandate banana I am going to eat it up before it gets any more spots I grant that less than and I even and she comes in with a shocked look on his face and in this business realization that occurs she says you know one of those strange people who think that bananas are all the right when I have spots on the Jesus I was waiting for a banana defining again right at him see see see qualified of the managers right when it had spots on it and I I qualified in the manner is right when it had just a touch of green and so those things were working against each other now what we learn from according with it we communicated with and what things are and we dead and what great stories and communication had really blown as been able to work through things like that so communicated find out about each other and I didn't do how it like slightly green bananas yeah you guys and writes how they like bananas with a few spots on the dance about 50-50 that I thought this it's like I been the next thing you need is conflict resolution now we've added find out the Oedipus Messiah would we Broncos that is they discovered there are five different kinds all styles that people have in conflict some people are totals they basically go into the shell whenever there's a conflict and they run from conflict while not as cognitive stand and they don't do they sell at and you live in an subtle law ordinary people who are not totals ordinary people who are turtles and they never have any problems but there's this constant tension going on and on talking about this at all people elected it is people elected Ms. will protect the relationship at any cost so your teddy bear is is somebody you want to do that onshore leads to that but inside that sacrificing the Gauls in order to protect the relationship I was ready a teddy bear I have to load how to come out of my shell and express what I really felt and so selecting a Ms. and teddy bears came to Mary shocks what shocks sharks don't worry about the relationship they worry about achieving their goals what you mean you don't want to do that we got to do that I don't care now and not as an extreme that people who are starting to really be fun about their opinions now that you exactly what they feel and why you should be doing what they wanted to and they married to a visit to was the shock is happy for about two years and then they discover that the teddy bear has become highly resentful site I had a fine hyena deal with the different personality stuff in the box the foxes always compromising between the relationship of the Gauls let's find a compromise and then they are limited with people who can be Al's and help people who are able to find win-win between the relationship keeping their relationship and achieving a goal to find a win-win now you can always find a win-win is not always possible but but Howells aimed toward that and so you need to examine when you fall and how you handle conflict in your relationship by the way a lack of conflict is not a good sign if you have a relationship with his no conflict that discovered that that is a sign of a lack of trust that you will get that it is not caught on in people and companies that know we haven't had a five consisting wonderful like a oh please you know hey I'm praying for them to have a conflict because the reality is then not being honest with one another when you trust each other you can afford to say your real feelings and one would think such last creates of an environment where you can deal with conflict no conflict no trust something about the strategies used to deal with problems have you working through are you just you just kind of sit down and smiled at each other all tell you how most dating relationships working through I of its kiss and makeup is where I digested of physical intimacy all now we feel close to each other again but you haven't resolved the conflict so don't rely on physical intimacy to resolve conflicts instead have a plan how we never told the three find out how you deal with things and make sure that your conflicts lately it would Jesus and answer the phone in Christ likeness I wanted to meet a person who is deeply spiritual I wanted to why do they love to pray and read their Bibles was it a shot I discovered how spiritual people become when they first start dating simulate logging my Jesus over time innovate I haven't talked about Jesus in three years then I thought dating and makes me reflect on you I was having my devotions this morning they become why they gave it to impress the other posts on particularly guides you on a sunny developer halo of the night and so you want to check this out how real business do they really love God was at ten forty and then he also people love to get together and pray together that I sent only to put a meeting tone into a press conference with me if you know press the flesh during your premeeting know you get together and you hold each others hands when you pray I mean you're not thinking about Jesus that love and you believe in the secret is a deeply intimate act and so sometimes there is a web building intimacy with the other person and it has nothing to do with God it's about well we pray to God will build intimacy so instead mediates your relationship from Christ make sure that he's at the focus so I I don't believe in just letting my spouse I love my spouse through Jesus I give myself over to Jesus and when I do that and I can truly love my steps way it we sentiment against the word of God where am I going with this manual to be tempted I mean you be tempted to do things that you shouldn't do a few normal there are possibly some of normal people who experienced no temptation for Jesus experienced temptation right so you are away where am I going with this temptation I taken it to the Lord ever where my giving into it if you're getting into a get out get get out of that situation Don you have a commitment I am just way ultimately to commitment development stages and you know that's where we go to move to in the next session we haven't talked about how you develop this commitment how do you let a growth to the right point when you are ready to stand at the altar and say I do and but don't rush into Duncan on feelings with you commitment develop through a covenant and we are covenants you are taking allowed Allegis for a final thing this afternoon I just want to share with you as we started getting to know each other we said all I said to you a call I asked out and I said will you go out with me and and she said to me you know what I'm not ready to date you she rejected me I had as I said all right so I sent another asking the big question on that as Huguenots the big question now the smart guys I said I do one a day to your right wingnut ready today what I want to find out if I wanted discovered God 's will for this relationship to know whether we should consider marriage will not always smart guys and she agreed and so we grew up the covenants we develop a covenant that would define how we would go about getting to know each other in an week we got to the point recently scored each other we say we now believe that God is for us to point where we should pursue marriage anyway not committing to marriage with the ceiling marriage but we want to do it in an appropriate God centered way and that we can find it see I wanted just read it to you this is the covenant we wrote and I now read one line and I have Nicole read every other line because of our commitment to love God supremely and our neighbor as ourselves we promise by the God will hold the following principles as we seek God 's will for our lives by God 's grace is limited we covenant you are gallery because of via Mike and Mike we covenant to keep God as the first priority in our lives we choose to nudge our relationship with God spending time daily with him even if it means less time with each other we covenant to seek God 's will and if we step we are willing to challenge and forsake our personal preferences and opinions by examining them against his work his actions and his leading we promise to support and uphold each other's ministries respecting one another's spiritual gifts and talents we also commit ourselves to finding ways in which we can work as a team building up and shopping each other so that we can mutually strengthen the body of Christ we promise to be honest with each other telling the truth in love we refuse to play games with each other 's feelings were to engage in any form of manipulation we commit ourselves to openly sharing within an atmosphere of trust love and respect to the incident we will listen carefully showing empathy genuineness and acceptance when we fail or disappoint one another we will communicate about the problem forgive and ask forgiveness where appropriate we will seek to love a challenge both ourselves and each other to grow beyond our comfort zones to the place were we more fully reflect God 's image we choose to avoid other romantic attachments until we are sure of the will of God for our relationship yet after prayerful consideration counsel either of us believes God is not leading us together he or she will be free to share the reason why in honesty and to disseminate the relationship without guilt we aim to develop a balance holistic relationship centered on Jesus Christ we will therefore seek to honor God in all aspects of our conversation in life while we won't notice spontaneous spontaneity and expression of feelings we will also evaluate whether these are in line with the will of God we promise to express our love for each other only in ways appropriate to the purity of a Christian relationship and we knew that wasn't going to be enough so we added this we therefore covenant to avoid all kissing prolonged or intense hiking and any commissions incompatible with Christian purity our first kiss was on the day we got married him and it was great I gave everyone demonstrated out all right at our relationship with the kids genuine love and respect for God and each other while keeping our minds clear and consciences pure we covenant and in spite of that we had to address we covenant to not let our longing slay the appetite of a living we will live joyously and fully in the presence of God and then finally out about unselfish commitment to God and each other we promise to faithfully follow this covenant to the business viability praying for wisdom to discern the will of God and the carriage to follow the spray father I want to pray for this group of deer people here you know that there are heavy things on their hearts right now they're thinking about their futures their relationships what they doing I want to encourage them to do it your way enough of last and more of divine love love we wanted to be to lift you up one of relationship that ultimately we can take to have we pray this you this e-mail was by all movers media ministry G Weiss generation of Christ would like more brief his presentation or who would like to learn more about you as soon as a WW UIC web or you can also find great with us you are on your verse board and have video .com will

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