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Beauty for Ashes: Healing Past Hurts

Nicole Parker

Description

Nicole Parker at an early age experienced abuse that caused her to live a life of paranoia.  It also caused her to question the character of God, making it hard for her to trust him.  It was not until she surrendered her self-reliance that she began to experience the benefits of trusting in the Lord.  She now serves as a Biblical counselor and motivational speaker to help others who suffer from past hurts and broken relationships.

Presenter

Nicole Parker

Wife, mother, and Biblical counselor

Conference

Recorded

  • December 21, 2007
    9:30 AM
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him him again I am not sure how many we done enough within the official introduction of myself so we discover in this reasoning I am eighty seven access to funds that South Africa as always as love in the south of where we then where I am now is the and so I had my son at his university teachers and school religion before that I was at amazing facts ideas I was already on the amazing that College of evangelism as being the vice president for evangelism and that my life has towards a common and is goes the right now she has a full-time job looking after he is and that through the symposium in spite of all of that is the time that is is is thank you for putting albeit within and that he is just such a lazy like this cannot say that too much time I just want to thank you for being willing to be vulnerable this morning zero South and mining everybody I this morning on any talking about healing our past hurts getting rid of the pain of the past president doesn't believe in our future and so I got out I making a confession to you I regretted wondering what I'm talking about right now I haven't killed anybody by I have a secret hatred I hate something called mail then plug I think are the most disgusting things in the entire world and I cannot think or garden in half in California we had a problem with milk and light now I have you ever heard of it but there is a way to get rid of now the blood if you via can be here and you put a plate down on the ground you to live let live there but that the plate edges or even with the ground and then you pour the beer into the plate build now live with what is now back home from anywhere and come drown themselves happily in their plate beer now you know that really growth of the earthquake that but there are so many people that I have known in my life who are just like that when I went on I sent a perfect illustration of seventy people I've known who will pass on all the great things around them all the wonderful people all the great opportunities and they want to does the one thing that is available that will destroy them we don't be like that no matter what if they get into one relationship after another but on the same kind of person even though he admitted breaking off finally the alcoholic before you know it with another alcoholic or a abusive relationship they just can't seem to break away between a comfortable to go back over and over again like the Bible says like a dog his vomit I believe some people go back to the one thing that will kill them just like those snails and slugs ignore all the wonderful healthy delicious things around the better the one thing that garden that will kill them now I believe that a lot of the reason why people do that is because of past hurts that they have not been able to surrender to God yes maybe in the divorce maybe it's the abandonment or some kind of abuse that they had gone through but whatever instead it makes them feel that they are unworthy or unable to think of something better or just eliminate it they just can't break away from the what action is presently seated by walking around the whole room full of wonderful people and they won't elementary fact that they can find the worst person in that room and have gone on one thing you see that happen haven't you meet people many of them really want to follow God has shared an earlier seminar about a beautiful girl I knew her name was Eric 's unity wife Edith a few years ago sitting here listening to them and are staking out Erika was so passionately follow God she had Scripture memory verses she wrote everything out see right person to help them with their problems and hang them all on a little cord around his knife she would just like an enticing to go through all her little bottle versus patient walk between classes I taught her and you know all the features we knew if Iraq we are no shoes can make it work we're trying to beat the odds but she was such a beautiful person most wonderful smile always eager for a hug there had been through so many different kinds of abuse of the child by being abandoned her father was imprisoned her mother was a drug added over and over she has been systematically destroyed by her environment and Erika just wasn't able to to break away in the CNS getting together with her boyfriend running away from school with her boyfriend before she she was pregnant and the last time I saw Erica is hardly so tight he was getting unfairly she called me in the middle of the night was perfect please can you get me on so scared my husband to kill me I look to happen please come get me I went to get her and the last minute she decided to make a home for mom I think probably because she couldn't stop smoking she wanted to go there when she could smoke and not long after that her grandmother comment the bad news Erica 's ex-boyfriend by that time she had broken up with him I turned back and shot of investment for their little girl was one -year-old now I read that Erica had given her life back to cry she broken up with the guys she had started coming to church all the time to time everybody should be how much Jesus loved her and how much they need to be ready because Jesus is coming to I believe America will be in heaven what a terribly bad door is something that didn't happen a beautiful girl who even on the last morning before he killed her that afternoon on the phone with the parole officer for her ex-boyfriend going he hurt his knee he is stalking me he tried to break into the right-hand he loves me she simply couldn't deal with the realities of her past that would help her to be set free for the future I don't want anybody here want to share my own testimony of how will help me a break free from some of the abuse in the difficulties from my own path now it may be something that is hard to imagine for you but there was a time that I was I was not able to walk into the aisle of the grocery store if there was infringement any window in and out five play with stuff on the end of the aisle whatever was the guy we gathered last night walking I would breathe the atmosphere have a panic attack I do not become a panic attack was all I knew was that my throat would close that I couldn't breathe I disclose my system ways if a man walked behind me just walk behind me you might not even know I was there here I was there I always find later it captures something keep my back to the ball in my back against the chair laughed not let anybody go behind the United those who are abused are not nearly as good at dealing with aircraft that they are pretending it's not there and they just pretend to be able to get through every day not to show anybody else know anybody else know because my feet fear was among other things I would Frankie find out about the strange fears I had to think I was crazy worse yet they realize I was crazy they know they now live in maintaining any now I take a knife family and so many ways our family was wonderful we went down the country my parents moved to the country before I was born in Atlanta Atlanta apartment in nature because the God is great I go out walking for hours in the way field proliferated our heavenly friend and then that might be hiding I just knew I had a great relationship with my sisters I have three sisters all the love you how he thought might interest you it was wonderful but there were also a lot of dark shadows in my life one of them was that Mike my father had also gone through a lot in his path and it was very hard for him to be able to be open and I feeling to show love throughout and because he'd been hurt many times it was hard for him to let us know how much you love and sometimes I make mistakes I've called hurtful names like stupid idiot and any time I would mess up that was what ran through my mind you never do anything right he's never do anything right like your grandmother all the things that they hate my body hate myself feel like I'll never be good enough for anybody love I also feel that relationship and he is in a wonderful part of my life we work through so much and he is recognized from the mistakes that he made I praise God for giving me such wonderful parents are willing to humble themselves and show that they love me even when they make mistakes and how to parent I understand it's very easy to make a big and very very hard not to but one of the most sinister things that destroy my life was that my grandfather built with living right by with a sexual abuser my family had no idea I never dreamed of exposing anything like this they may always protected me they were letting go anywhere even asleep overnight in anybody's mouth but it never occurred to them that my own grandfather when the left knee and eventually rape me I was in the years after I was rate of writing and learn what I was so young and I had no ability to process and then I think what happens me is probably somewhat common to a lot of people that when when they cannot process or comprehend what's going on in their lives they affect forget that happens when my grandmother died when I was about ten I forgot everything like a pressure emergency relief valve you know how it just blows off when something in a blowout invented the valve closed for that you can implement this destroy the thing I think that's what happened in my mind that I couldn't process what happened I simply forgot this didn't happen to me I don't remember that when I was fifteen no I was already having these problems first I was about thirteen I got together with a great guy he was very kindly in so many ways I wasn't ready for a relationship and there were a lot of other problem like the fact that he had been married but I wasn't able to process some of the things for some strange reason I didn't really understand the sentiment but I am in the best woman win I'm neither judgment she had not been implemented in August this is not a good idea and I recommend that some front of the pump on the Lord didn't preserve me and that this is a guy the respect of my body he didn't touch me any inappropriate way in fact it was only when I was about fifteen then he actually started to hold my hands but infinitely variable my hands the problem started it will my Nana Olive also wonderful to fight anybody else but then he let go and I go away I thought the most horrible sickening revolt him I would like best friend we go hiking again ever how are you I really trusted him it was far from a perfect relationship but there was no reason for me to feel this toward him there was nothing he had sent me I was really confused that we went through this rocky time for apathy among young people my head I would hate it for a little while I long for him to be a little I think that I'm running because of his normal healthy long enough they can with it nothing almost perfect I could grow up feeling I can understand I couldn't remember anything happening anything out I thought naturally increase life broke up with him and not long after that night I came along he was really attractive you would love to find you like me I really liked him he was seeing I was still fifteen before I know we were dating to them in the same thing happens whenever he passed me to start feeling the news and feels the angry and ugly in it was it was awful like I say and you disgust me he reported me that could be helpful for last-minute back-and-forth issue for Fremont and wanting to get more and more progressively physical and in some ways the less inhibited I was going through that because otherwise the sky with he was really trying to push me go all the way and for me because I had this feeling you know whatever he actually eventually it was just like I just went dead inside I you want to get me going and listening in the form I liked him he was my friend he was cool on with keynotes everything was great I broke up with him bluntly stated he begged me come back to Munson went through this back-and-forth even in Miami-Dade and I just couldn't think of infinity I think at that time I have to pretend them eventually what relationship before I was when I went thinking on this lifelong was not a pleasant one you can imagine though before long the only physical intimacy I would have a guy would be anything like Yahoo because I'm a little quickening him again make a little back door separately in monitoring no relationship no expectations no problem but then I realized I'm not Christian the Lord for making me among his people that way and so I only had a couple of those situations I decided now now not make you that I only use my body I want type packing inappropriately so I started a new thing okay I'm vicinity of none any I I but about that time I think the schools I went to watch the finals Academy for those of you know where that is now in the significant that in my healing process even I had no idea at the time and really it it was so helpful to me because now I was in a safe environment place right didn't feel attacked continually by fear and an anger and name-calling things like that I didn't feel safe and in love at home an hour later school where there were so many people who were just look like it was amazing to me as I I spent time with these staff members started knowing when I first got there as is Clark the principal chef who was the last time you read the desire of ages but I sure hope the garbage from the inside of my not sure I've ever opened the desire of ages I don't for sure I haven't read it what about anyway and as I started reading a book I remember the first chapter Immanuel God with I read about a Jesus who wasn't happy in heaven because he knew I was in a separate in here alone him now everything is beautiful and wonderful appearance has been singing never too hot never to call everybody loves me I haven't had any more clinical and their suffering alone I'd rather go down there and hurt with her and she's not alone my finishing that happened years and never knew you Jesus not been just about a year before that I want to another troubling that had had really caused me to the problem you see I had gone to the neighbors house my mom always than he counted by the neighbor got over it was day maybe two hundred fifty pound single guy living down the road in month with all the people inviting over his lonely down there his wife died so I just hated going on in the thanking you to create that I went down there and thinking you know I've granted to lunch that I should just pray I should just come on praying for failure was a sincere chairman wanted to follow God and and so I I said to his ranch in ongoing training for you this means me and he grabbed my phase took my chin and lifted up a Tiffany right let's and then he grabbed my arm he's controlling pollution and I was terrified I grabbed onto the doorframe you know really I have to go home make food in your pollution and the heat started Dragon he he he really thought hard I was little I was a really a little kid it will be invited that anything he wanted I don't know what he wanted I know what I thought he wanted and I hung onto the doorframe with all my might by God 's grace let me go and I walked back to my house I was so full of anger gone in and I will you are you one father when you watch while it will grow a pair I know what you got you are obviously you don't care you take care of me you do anything to protect need to protect myself and I fell in love with you to trust God in you take care but anyway they cannot hear myself think very much connected and much better job of it you are now at the beginning of some of the more dramatic fears that was the beginning of when I started feeling afraid women of the behind the effort ranging that night because it is unlike down in bed and the what if you drag me away kidnapped and raped at least if I'm wearing jeans and a gut wrenching though I wear jeans every night initially I was thinking fully clothed except for my shoes by the time I was sixteen or so and I was lying in bed at night and worrying hardly be able to sleep because I didn't have to sign when people kneel down now matter how hard you make me walk it was crazy yeah this is not logical that doesn't make any sense but this is my reality this is how I was feeling and I was powerless to stop it you know for those of you in the struggle with fear realize fear is not something you can reason with fear is not something that you can do for him not deal with that okay let's pretend it's not there you need to get to God because an attack of Satan on the iPhone people are trying to get in some of those who are close by that as listed in the syllabus of the more chairs available in a film I might interrupt their that is my reality I felt terrified and yet I had to put on the veneer of everything my family problem the life of fun ha ha I was that I Canadian crack at the time the signal rapid pain and fear I either afraid people and find out how well cared I was in know how crazy I was knowing and having and I started reading the desire of ages I understood how you gone like many of you would like I started growing need of faith again if needed trust me this is the guy that trust after all the I decided to go to the school because I was miserable with everything else in my life than you can imagine and I thought beyond trying to God thing but it never really occurred to me with another credit card thing they would need to trust him to I like trusting anybody trusting means opening yourself up for the family can just get it right in the heart has a hard concept for needed to be able to graph to be willing to the faith open my heart and limited assortment a mighty one instance I think the film Ms. Truscott things really really difficult for me to understand but as I started learning more about God the desire of ages and maybe most of all in the lives of the people who were around me young people and the faculty at at once it's almost as I praised God for sending me their because it changed my life have I thought God reflected in their faces and their voices and their kindness to me I started traffic maybe he's somebody I can trust after all after a few months there I decided to make a commitment to God is anything less it never occurred to me that I might help me with my fear business of the knee against the world thing I had to take care of it all take care myself I'll take care of everything else right now you know I should mention meeting that I don't think that abuse like as common as people think now you may hear my story and wow that's really bizarre but I've never known anybody of anything like that while you may or may not but just know that the people around you if they are going through something like this anywhere around the next thing by the way I'm paranoid it is it something that people find that people need desperately to be healed in my experience I would say that probably about fifty percent of girls that I now have been sexually abused that may be just shocking to you about the wine when I was growing up I went to a small administered church in writing a growth in our church fiber segment fiction movies that I know when I was a slumber party one time from my Christian school there were seven F and that the slumber party five had been sexually abused young out of the girls got certainly be the faculty group about midnight implement party after we talked about when I went on a mission trip to Mexico with advanced young people where there were seven of us in our room for five had been sexually abused one of the girls her her mother was a prostitute and had after she had been with a guy she was chief left her little girl open letter on the bed posted on or around for fun and guide the kind of abuse that goes on in families and homes and lines all around you it totally founding on I I in the forties on the UNESCO Seattle is way more of that going on anything but the great thing is that God is able to stay for the item enough I want to share with you this is not a story about wound me I'm so courageous story of how cowardly I was in refusing to trust God and let him take my back and how eventually I found freedom when I him amazing what I'm doing I don't know what what track you may be struggling with right now some of you may say Matt never had anything like that I even understand I never relate to my life at all but when you're struggling when you're afraid to hand over to God is it if I just surrendered to God and that you do whatever you want in my life and my relationships maybe you never let me get married at scary incident sounds like a long desolate life of loneliness when you tell you with not if God is learning controlling your life will be rich and all and fulfilling I want to encourage you as you're listening to my story is interesting something that I did for her but think of your own life what do you want to be set free from some people there their parents have been divorced they've been abandoned and abused in all the way and I should clarify to what they I think fifty percent of growth had been sexually abused I don't think fifty percent either sexual abuses girls don't think that all guys are disgusting creeps just because you had an experience with one or two it's true that no growth without guys are all just jerks and other not overall sister and I throughout the stir until we surrender our life to Christ and let him make us into something beautiful in my experience of course made me tremendously by here I go to a small conservative advanced tool and they are fit for the physical and three the growth of infection movies I went to college there were four girls in my room three of them actually be an United Nations not like I went around taking a survey is just I found out you know grow the talk to me about what they were going through in their lives and find out I guarantee that you have an infection review some of your friends I was on your closest friends in unity shoplifting and who the sexual abuse is the only time he is it's very demonstrating and when I went to counseling counselor told me another reason that sexual abuse him with his very core of who we are God created us male and female and when were sexually abused that violates that I always told myself for years even after I remembered what had happened to me which is about when I was eighteen when I remember the sexual abuse of the next nearest time I saw a matter of intensity facility hurting a little bit it just know I get on with a few of it I wasn't willing to let God reached down the heart not no for girls it somehow easier for girls significant infection review and revise the incident fell ill I talked yesterday about how God desires truth in the inward parts he wanted to speak the truth in our heart and sometimes if you think I have ever been sexually abused muscles I know I've never had anything to ineffectual when you want until willing but I thought sexual abuse very hard for a guy if you are struggling with something that he can't reason women doesn't make sense to you don't question aside and will confine I can handle anything I business of trying to go through all that God has a purpose for your pain I think for thinking that God wanted need to be sexually abused or emotionally abused her physically abused on your money to be had around five and let me be told I was given without any thought you wanted to be told that my body was ugly but God had planned that by going through all the things my heart and down closer to his heart by those who can buy anything affecting my life not what I want to do now that the points above are talking about today that whatever pain you go through don't waste back pain left back pain be used to find your heart heart heart of God Bernard talk about the last time you about here is my own experience that strange things that were happening to me however and I am in college I did find this guy can even visit a friend now I wasn't close everything big guy he came changing the little girl in the beverages is not little girls running and squealing and she hid behind me and he came over the other side of managed around one arm on the side and one arm on that every schoolgirl I he had no idea I can laugh now and will like this is almost the fetal position and I had nightmares reamed out of business green screen what can I do I had a case I had everything with everything with young extreme point for me came when one day I was working here yet now usually there were other people around and now they were my friends I felt patronized that I knew guys who were my age or older than me I was hesitant about them yet say ten years older than me I was really where you once I knew who they were I felt safer around him generally one site was I felt safe with them it didn't bother me if they walked behind me if I knew it was them and if a guy walked behind me I freeze up at back of Amanda Bynum was crazy but here I was in the kitchen and it was wonderful for their work in an office and the dental office I dig it was strange guys all day long always terrible torture now is working in the kitchen anxious for their always ready the only guys I ever had he who were strangers were delivering then edit your love oh you know when you are using a delivery man beguiling demon and not notice that I'm there for me with a very related in this particular date of the membrane in gay man delivering food and putting it all the backlog they now don't have it in their back outlet that will probably pay and now they would board meeting and I was mayor care understand what this is that every time you walk in the door taking deep breaths best and brings myself concern of my throat would close up walking around I just have to stand there hanging on until we get past what he got again to bring it break myself looking to be okay as a delivery man would come back here again and the panic attack that hit me again they like the question is and then at one time feeling out getting my stuff in the truck I can't resist on forever do something different to the Scriptures and there is a song that I've learned here at the school went like this he who is he and the need and see if he removed the movies be a stage to be a key is a travesty to see me when he moved the thing is as he and I started feeling just I is delivering a kid again I have consistently stressed question affects close my eyes because he felt quietly that I could barely hear myself how he could hear me and have waited him him him him him him there with my fists clenched under way with ahead when the President-elect with a company thinking I was selling them this is one of the defining moments in my entire life when all of a sudden everything all the way and I realize things that never realized in my life and there were three things I realized number one this is not my imagination I set for myself oh you just try to get attention or just pretending like something even though I didn't tell anybody what I was going through at home I think there's a little bit and don't tell anybody I know you're just trying to get attention now I realize this is not my imagination business hack you and I realized number two go he said he will die before they call it actually care about needing an outlet pricing in my life and actually seventy three number three I learned and how where to go there is power in the Bible that you you have no idea of the power I had no idea you and I wish I could say that moment on it was all victory here and discovered something else about myself in the coming weeks and months after that I discovered that I actually liked being afraid making really strange to you but you see I like a scared cat back into the corner clause doubts I'm ready taking a fight you tooth and nail all the way down now God was asking a particular way in which the corner last very walk in newness of life don't want you back he was an election that is something that happens seasons and then seeing you soon I know okay I will already take care myself needing as well we got angry when I needed need in the world I take care myself I went anyway up taking care me I like that I really liked that he and my mother and my wife self-reliance I will have to trust God my God and informing when I take care of myself in their lives that means your mind and there are many lines that you recognize now that you've heard this he recognized their lives and reveal my analyze and rank in my mind with things like even the eighty eight human being right nobody could ever love you another line that ran through my mind was I can do it I can do anything I even though I knew literally I can't walk out in the parking lot they got that car in my mind I decided I set my mind I can do it I knew anything I don't even depend on anybody or anything that they care me I'll take care of myself and I face me really angry at God because in a new girl I thought maybe a girl evincing some players need a God made girls generally weaker than guys the growing identified the guy only when I really think that any deleted event primarily that it Academy I just gotten their money guys open the door for me to walk through my head Lebron is given to you think I am I know that the about halfway through the door easily on the anon my mind not going through that door you through that door is not going to work you are late you're going to find out I don't view over the door open me in the event any life anything but this guy 's name is Adam is one of the ten government people in the entire world him if I ever get a hold the door open for me we went in there all afternoon the Leslie and irresistible force meeting of the law and are healthy take your again and I think myself and elite through the door and leaned that he has with any like I was insane and I while the new approach I have to find my way to talk to guide you what you actually been increasing in what they does the gentleman just because that what they do also change in a guy in a United States girls who are combative dialogue feminine but often that what was beneath that it is the veneer covered her and some of the most powerful witnesses I ever had where a man and boy who would open a door for me it would let me go first in line who we just treat me like you are a lady you deserve to be taken care I'm the gentleman is my job to take care of you they reflected Jesus to me was amazing you may think a little lack of courtesy Daniel lots Neanderthal match current just blown away by their courtesy by the claimant by treating me like I was a woman who exactly taking guys don't forget to go developing I hope that will help you remember if you think of my testimony to verify status of people now and I started going through the process of working through my own fears my own anger I discovered that if I finally walked down the sidewalk there's a guy coming toward me know what you think a phone and it was hard I wanted to be in real need against the world I was so tired from the floor between the two sides and as I started making the right choice over and over are you aware I started feeling different what I remember I went to the grocery store healthy lifelong and help out will keep him in perfect peace as I'm going through the phone United driving at a grocery store incidentally if you never tried to that effect on their landing about rock whatever writing or trying to figure out on a few months on your I wonder here and being able to walk down the aisle in the grocery store and buy there are many wonderful while there if I just had God in my heart and protect me take care that he would do that when you have a lot of time to be able to keep walking I would have to be within the open door not be afraid and where he wasn't just that and repeat the mantra 's latest handheld hair you can do it anyone in human another defining moment for me wow I read all is really helping me now as I as I started going through this process Flock is a viable option I got your line of cafeteria are discovering that if I spent time with my morning if I surrendered my heart and if I had quality emotional grind when I gave myself to him then when I went to that day I find it much easier to turn him naturally as they happen or even just make it through the day on Taliban and yet realize I didn't greatly and if I started drifting away from God Navy I didn't spend any time within them we had to rush off to get breakfast in the lot behind the eye will is one of the same craftsmen it would really miss this terrible experience but I'm telling you I had gone through for years I think my freedom it was my favorite economy only got my new about the thing was this one as well as I recall I will have a little reminders by real gone me he cares about what's happening in mine heart at this moment that nobody else knows about it was one of omission what God wants to do with your pain yeah I've been corresponding with my husband 's cousin of rain I actually met him and you struggling with United Way neonate infant land in question is not real and when questioned once or a lot from people question whether God exists but I can't help call ordering and he doesn't people have the same question I had is gone as real as God loves me and let me much in question is you never wonder that God is real immediately for many of you that if God is real I say God is real and the reason why God allowed that suffers because life is not about avoiding offering life is about growing in meeting growing in love going to be like Jesus and religion go through is best sure thing that can find your heart the heart of God is something that you go through its levels each year to lean on him when you cannot make it anything without him that when you find him to be there never failing friends when I'm on the phone level of David's anguish and suffering other people suffering a violent past with stories of teen and how God is not people from paying when they threaded it can rather need help them through it does not remove the mountain he helped the client over any climbing over it you become stronger you become better newly Brown and more meaningful person who develop compassion for others who are suffering that he made her half if you can relate to now in my experience as I shared with you and found my heart heart of God because I had to depend on him the other day an illustration I've heard of how Middle Eastern shepherd fundamentally keep that the more rambunctious land from running away from them the shepherd will catch that land and graphic language and then there's been little lamb and deleting it had any inseparable not that that nag tenderly carried out Lamb around from one of a lot of work for a separate entity lands are not bring out the know that there is a little critters and especially if all that while a lot of work but as a shepherd Terry Moran the land part and found the bishop and at the end of that time in a man's leg is healed and he can run around and play again the Lamb of runaway nipples when I think I bet that his people he doesn't break my leg and when that breaking things involving eager to break gone cannot stop all the bad things from happening in this world what does that make vanities make that choice and I said okay well I want to record whether that you were not anywhere in my merchant account to hear that this is likely okay trust me and that idea don't get anymore okay Donovan allowing a consequence of a loving mother would I be if I didn't thank my children are given for this unpleasant consequence when they go over mainly in the community running out into the crowd invented just thinking of things I don't want to pick up and it when you love anything at all for me to teach them that sin has no consequence I will never give you a healthy irony thinking of what reality really as why God allows suffering simply because God is a God of miracles around delivering us from ever suffering the consequences of sin are eventually people actually think that there are situations that abuse their divorce that you may not be your fault you may need it with the choice of the alleles may those choices can wreck your life changing reinvention be rebellious and angry about how to bring a healing God is the God that gives beauty for ashes the winging it Kristen if you're holding a beautiful rose and I think the match to it in action since there's nothing I can do to bring that Rose bet on it and I think that the actions of one arose last day this is what God will do with the bad situation that you face in your life will know what he is the God know to understand you may never be able to explain another moving felt exactly what you're going through the gone now and spend the night he goes away as a humanity lost and hopeless amazed that God has and is willing to meet you at your leisure moment by moment it say anywhere criminals with a terrible illness and I walk over here and I think the children access to be in your heat help her fall in the number of having women give but when I hear in your scenario so that he is greatly sure you would regularly think about it but what about if instead I nurture you for years I take care of you I see only like change advantages I clean your word that means you take care of every incident need that you have including the need for companionship I read your thinking and friendly they are heartwarming down line and when him for powerful than if I could hear you bank I usually doesn't heal people instantly and finally I know what you're feeling and why we see how you know feeling of linking in Texas when I jump up and throw away their practice again rather he only had a always much more often it help in the healing process the Lord heal a broken heart and mind that there will be one means of the process that God healed by cleaning out the BK infection and pain painful process to clean out then he puts it healing and consecutive five and he binds up our wedding day by day he cared for in that process is actually lifestyle closest by the purpose for suffering just like on an intense percentage of this world he warned that many don't then don't do it but not distance my husband actually because of it this plan is going to be full of people that will be closer to God than we could have been if it had not happened because of the length I be reverent tenderness somewhere else right now adventure of the University somewhere else that Sunday on February the new Jerusalem here he found Debbie on earth and is one place in the entire universe is the only place anybody without visibility place that Jesus had to sacrifice the very lifeblood for and now bit floating center of universe that the flames of rebellion because of the head of the universe and we will become closer to God and even the angels of the worst in favor you realize that not just in spite of our rebellion against God actually because of it God will bring us into a closer relationship with him than we ever have before because we depend on one moment by moment for our salvation we have to depend on hand for the victory that for when you talk to him he changes I think that in the process of being changed it is painful and pain people are not paying time and the like hey how come that we cared about me and my feelings and I immediately had an epidemic of depression in the Western world now now people are a lot more immediate pressing out and we had hearing on buses beyond their starving where their next day or they don't know where they can ignite or their house was just bulldozed down there anyway of anything else there wondering where they'll get food smiling and helping of door-to-door minimum three trying to locate a big enough money to eat tonight we have everything over several hundred hundred men and women that destroy our happiness God is not God is not as eager to deliver you from your pain at the end to help you become changed into an image through the pain that you go through now let's talk about infected when and how God has healed I think we does not use that out illustration again imagine that somebody has come up to me since last lifetime with a sword and then they get full of dirt and grime and germs and a healed over the top no house but sometimes that I would love it will heal over the skin underneath the festering wounds before long attorney Brad Welling turning infected one thousand now the process of healing the heart very similar to the way to heal my body in order to get that way he'll even though I may have a pretense of the time I got it under control the skin covered over it and everything healed I really don't eating more healthy and long life the land would you like to meet until our meeting I a lot died the process of cutting it open and process of cutting it open maybe painfully enough for me when I first remembered the abuse that I gone through in the horrific experience how cannot happen to me I didn't remember anything like that ever happening my grandfather actually also he is the first one I position taking and making remember anything happening can't remember anything all I remember is logging always giving us and playing with playing game he would come running to us when I remembered all that he is liable for those of you who may be wondering you know Africa repressed memory I highly encourage you don't don't think you got a Dragon Ball the very worst in your path to be able figure out front with you if you need to recover something on the homepage remember I was suspicious even now I have memory that I've recovered that were repressed I'm a little suspicious of people who come to you now with his psychiatrist and he helped me remember that I went through that young as much as I know there are repressed memory I'm cautious about recommending anybody got the counselor will help them remember anything because suggestions are powerful I know I know many people of God that I love you and your uncle picking you really comfortable around him standing on the earthworm I just never liked him I can't put a finger you think he ever shrinking number of being in a room alone with him this is not a way to recover your memory I recommend if you think there may be something that happened to you get yourself into a safe environment of muscles you can and surrender your life to God let him have whatever's going on your mind don't try to figure out what direction the path you and then give them what you're going through today and ask them to help you know if there's anything else you need to work through some people take many years before they remember something that happened to them in the past and that's okay him with her husband and they don't need to remember anything I can think that God is not work through no leading to this process has anyone seen a counselor I highly recommend you go to the national Association of aesthetic counselors and a and B or online and look at the biblical account around your area biblical counselor how much more solid biblical approach than your typical counseling situation he don't figure you have to go through years of intense counseling related to every of the ministry a biblical counselor about help you to surrender things did not apply biblical principles of your life that you need counseling I know any people knew I heard you to get in Anthony got or if you can't remember that sometimes you need something you can e-mail us to a landing two eight Yahoo .com not Atlantic but Atlantic with no team in it like the ocean of nineteen hundred and ninety two a Yahoo .com Alan Nick and I think any information like that counseling is wonderful and very helpful I went to account for only a few times and he was very insightful one of the great things Anita sent me was when he heard what I gone through your look of compassion and you are thinking now of ranging the development of an time I saw you home now and find there's nothing to worry about my ability to set him over the limit that was I think that this is actually really hurt me it didn't violate deeply being raped or molested or even just tested appropriately and only when you knew it wasn't right especially for the person at the high position of trust attending the meeting to you don't take allowing a matter mindnumbing something know if there's a big deal in your market to God and talking about it now you say you need to deal with your issues I only wallowing on the planet having to think about it all the time and there is no something healthy to be able to work or something of the time I read a lot about sexual abuse about different kinds of new situations not very helpful to me but be sure you don't wallow in it don't make it your identity my name is actually view it as something happened to you that will make you a better person to get to God or any other kind of musician concert through God didn't intend it to happen to you want bad things to happen he doesn't ordain that people make bad choices but he works through the situations that all things work to gather for a good those that love the Lord now one of the one of the common result of going through these situations that call codependency in the world I have a different word for codependency I called idolatry idolatry is when something or someone is more important to you that God behavior you cannot live without this person at this thing when you're in that situation give it to God and ask him to come back immediately on the throne of your heart files are macabre compulsion like I talked about my friend Eric had known so many people like that they just knew mission you should know breakup of the guy later this can be life-threatening longer had to have it back that is not healthy that is not love you not life to yourself that you are in a relationship with them is more important to you than God get out of it do whatever you need help working out may not have anything to you but I realized that God is first in my heart and until a lot of time in our relationship straightened out I'm not finished writing that her wedding to the right person you doesn't lead back away and let me have spent time with God to hang onto his hands and not have anybody also tend to hang onto now the process of finding victory on the island it is review the general welfare of what I found work for whatever situation you're facing a divorce and a significant abandonment if anything else you know your own bachelor immediately say now I made a bad choice for many I knew I should do this I feel so shameful I feel so dirty I feel so hopeless nobody can ever really want me to lie recognize that provided the lies straight from the pit of hell and the devil is trying to destroy your life by changing you without I break away from God gives you need for action we have the promise of the Bible that tell us that now is not only make you feel that I don't eat outlet relationship as a common idol especially for girls relationships a very common for men often pornography or music I know people who can never than five minutes without even if I had known and widely multiply music is wonderful but a communicative device that helps us to forget that the drug the people use drugs some people use alcohol legally a television it is named principal relationship popularity control of other people all having a great any of those things and they become more important to you then fine when they are where you base your your feelings of value yeah I do feel and see you start thinking will involve people like me at school this is when he explains yourself to God some people excel and become their idol young people who can never seem to not have a cell phone on the air that can be away in Beijing so the first the first thing I want to share us in this process of finding victory over your back your past efforts to his embrace your pain don't escape down into the Internet as an escape don't call somebody I feel down your pain pain through what you know it is drier parts of the heart of God when you feel lonely and they don't will find a movie to watch the music feel that pain he thought it is an accomplishment on one visit who embrace your pain you will need right now I need you here with me when I was effective and is particularly if they have heard an authority figure you transfer that the iPod doesn't hear he's up there doing that's a lucky disk cleaner soap envelope and love you that's alive without you have that kind of reception go to God and talking about how you feel on getting good book I can't recommend environment is highly enough environment to transform my own life have I fallen God and light notebooks desk across the net is another one break the chains of the devil don't believe in for a second read your Bible the Bible is full of powerful promises if you're struggling with theaters struggling with anger is struggling with resentment find final trumpet brightness change when the line comes your mind you know that a lot of my mind for months now you can't even Hernandez I gave it I can do all things through Christ 's drinking I can't do they die fear the power of love and the sound mind and when the General Tommy I can't tell people my story and afraid of what they'll think of me he will say I have not obtained the spirit of fear when my computer you have to write a Bible verse on your hands every time the light hit you nobody can left me whenever you needed to break this chain refused to believe the lies of the devil but the only way that you can really face the life benevolent I have great will him accomplish God will forgive led the unicorn Gearhart a hard heart of God but of course that will never be broken with a bond that you would never want to get away from because you know what you like now the second thing I want you to defeat about an innocent front of the victory as you embrace your playing fellowship with Christ in his suffering humanity suffering because of somebody else's actually command just seemed so unfair and my grandfather had written me and gave me an end I get off Scott free and now I have to live the rest of my life with it the pain of what he actually was in the air and now I understand I understand something of the suffering of Christ because you know even though I was in a specific child of anything I didn't deserve mediated on the other hand in the third and you think Jesus was sexually abused he was stripped naked in front of all friends and friends and family and friends of the love and love to understand the worst things that you have ever gone through anything you went through crisis suffered too much more he can go through this pain with you and he would rather do that you do it alone embraced campaign and fellowship with Christ in his suffering foundation fellowship with Christ in his sufferings done in a true perspective on whether you can forgive other people are not even when he was being abused by everyone that father forgive them for they know not what they do know something that helped me to forgive you I realize everyone what I hate I will become never to I need to see my victimizer of the victim of thinking yet he may actually does work with choices but he was off the miserable you never happened when you're kidding me I barely have a friend coming in and find out how how can you feel knowing you just regular old granddaughter is not life and if he if he repented he has understand something of what he had put me through and that will be a very painful experience I think I got and if he does not repent I don't know where you are listening and God will give him just as an Sunday I don't have to worry about whether God will be fair I think his life out if these people cannot punish other people enough it if I have faith the president has business outright was given money to the rate is because lowering themselves to be with him five different argument punish those who deserve justice and yet people cannot be like that the weekend has been an excellent those things really helped me to forget and understand that in this trouble is adorable to me it brings me to thought and hang entrepreneurial NSU fellowship with Christ in his sufferings you realize you here value on the life of the crop Jesus died for you don't base your value on whether your pocket I haven't been lucky whether you do anything right or you can sing well enough anything like that your value is in the light of the crop Junior came down and went through everything you went through an all-night explore because of you he would've gotten all this for you the way they don't tell you you're not good enough you tell him I was benefiting from the fellowship with Christ in his suffering and increase your pain news is that will really be accused of freedom now I want a review of a poem that I wrote back when I was going through the front late but if you got anything out to review upon that I wrote I was a victim of child alone I torturously get health heart of stone the accident in will him or both of my fellow black and I cried out for freedom relief from my pain as screens in the desert my cry for me was there no one to answer the love for my fellow I went to a motor vehicle and softly the darkness in the eye and a melody ringing within a melting through cold evil and he refreshingly resistant rain I lifted my face and felt warmth and when the darkness still shrouded my fellow who was in such a message is not such a problem I thought I clung to the hope that you found the melody whispered it into the chair from the courts of the Angels of light I was sure clinical course of Gloria from me even if I decide I could be free then I wanted an awesome boy this guy with Michigan answer my desperate cry rescue me out of the pit I alone in the darkness and helpless afraid I believe in his name in glorious songs loving majesty far beyond the throng as I felt in the darkness the warmth of it protecting company holding back the lack of filming that gone with the fee for the powerful shoulder now gathered my tears alike treasure the emptiness now that we fortnightly should cherish my mouth is very though the darkness grows deeper the light was out doing his own life still hear the same of the message of love and the promise of my and I rest in hope I encourage all of you I don't know what you're going through but I think probably most of your here because neither you or somebody you know is going to and you really want to know how family and want to know how to write a Pentagon and if there is anything that you want to get you guys today right now if were talking about it on massively will turn their eyes upon Jesus and if there's something you want to get it on or if there's some person that you know who's hurting you want to make them in Massachusetts and this evening few I is a phone is a little and and will be on you each heart we met our burden to you right now if you know what each person has brought to you I once turned into a court will find their heart you would help us celebrate thirteen help us to fellowship with viewing yourself I pray that this pain will not just be suddenly overcome but it will be a key that brings us closer to you that brings us to heaven and bring many people as possible with we share our stories and others more each one of us brings you something right we just lifted up to this moment my take is people that are on our heart if they had been holding us away from you again I think I will have to send in my claim here this is as meaningless by a murderous media ministry lines region if you would like to listen to him or you would like to learn more about the ones I visit WW July see the Web Board of Pine Creek wins union and audio burgers more hand and will come in a

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